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“How do you plead?” asked the strange, wig-wearing canine version of a Michael Burke look-a-like. “Guilty or not guilty?”
“Not guilty,” was the sharp, quick response from the famous squirrel.
“Very well.”
Following a signal from the judge, a tall creature stood up. It resembled a weasel but it had facial scars and, what seemed to be, a slight disfigurement. It wasn’t until the creature spoke that it’s true identity was known. He was the most renowned prosecution lawyer known, Roland the rat. In his older age, Roland had caught a mysterious addiction, called evreser laiceps (translation: a very bad palindrome), which manages to eat away at the face of the victim through radiation, leaving him/her sexually unappealing. He addressed the judge. “Your majesty, I’d like to call the defender to the stand.”
The red squirrel rose from his seat and calmly marched towards the stand. As he sat down, the bailiff approached him with an important-looking book.
“Do you swear…” the bailiff began to say before being quickly interrupted.
“No!”
“Mr Squirrel. That was not a question relating to your trial. Please take the oath,” intervened the judge.
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Shigeru Miyamoto?” continued the bailiff.
“I do.”
As the bailiff retreated back to his small territory next to the jury box, Roland approached the defendant and asked, “Can you confirm your name for me, please?”
“Conker. Conker Squirrel.”
“It seems a bit too convenient to me that your surname also depicts what you are.”
“So does yours.”
“Excuse me. I’m not the one on trial. What’s more, I think that’s proof of your rude personality. The very reason you are sat here today!”
“Objection!” shouted one of the defence council. “That was blatant trickery.”
“Sustained,” the judge announced, addressing the prosecution, “Keep to the facts – the evidence – please.”
“Conker. May I call you Conker?” asked Roland.
“Err…”
“Thank you. Conker, do you understand the charges that are being upheld against you?”
“Yeah. Some of the locals have been moody ‘cause of the way I am. I just think it’s discriminatory.”
“Could you please refrain from using non-existent words Conker?”
“That is a real word. It means bigoted, biased, unfair.”
“No. I know what discriminatory means. I meant moody.”
“Moody is a word. It means to be in a mood with something or someone.”
“Ah-hah. So you admit it? You are moody!”
“Objection! Move to strike,” cried out the defence.
“Sustained,” replied the judge.
Conker’s lawyer closely resembled a 1970’s stereotypical disco-loving male, perm included. However, first appearances can often be misleading. He was actually a scouse dung beetle… in a shell suit, called Jimmy. Before Jimmy could continue his argument, the judge addressed Roland.
“Council, one more time and I will hold you in contempt.”
“Sorry, your majesty. I have no more questions.”
“Thank you, council. Mr Beetle, you may now cross-examine the witness.”
Roland returned to his seat as Jimmy began his cross-examination of Conker, who seemed to look slightly confused at the fact that Ozzy Osborne was sat in the jury box.
“Question one, Conker. How ya doin’ mate?”
Conker, whilst watching Ozzy give the finger to someone who looked at him funny, replied, “I could be better.”
“Question two, mate. D’ya feel cross?”
“I’m a bit annoyed that I’m here because of the way I am. As I said, I feel discriminated against.”
“Are ya cross, though?”
“Not really.”
“Awww, I’m sorry mate. Ya failed the exam.”
Conker looks confused, as does the judge. They both look at Jimmy, who then becomes self-conscious as to the reason why.
“Ya looking at me, eh? Are ya askin’ ‘cos I’m fightin’ if ya are.”
“Failed the exam? What do you mean?” asks Conker.
“I’m doin’ a cross-examination, like. Ya said ya weren’t cross, so ya failed,” replied Jimmy.
“That is not the intention of a cross-examination, council,” intervened the judge, “Please ask the defendant questions relating to the case and, if you so choose, questions relating to those asked by the prosecution.”
“Ah, right. Got ya! So, err, did ya do it?”
“Do what?” asked Conker.
“Ya know, do the crime. Did ya do it?”
“No.”
“Err, what about diss Cilla Black?”
“Who?”
“Never mind. Err, have ya got a bird?”
“If you mean a girlfriend, yes.”
“Is she alright, like?”
“Objection!” yelled Roland. “This has no relevance to the case.”
“Indeed,” agreed the judge. “Mr Beetle, if you do not know how to conduct yourself in the court, then I will have to ask you to leave. However, if you wish to continue, I will allow you to do so. Just make sure you know what you are doing.”
“Ok. Calm down, calm down. Chill, like. I ain’t got no more questions.”
“Thank you Mr Squirrel. You may now leave the stand,” said the judge.
Roland arose from the prosecution bench and announced that he had no witnesses and no one willing to take to the stand. The judge then asked Jimmy if he had anyone willing to testify for the defence.
“Err, no. I’ve seen the evidence, though, and it ain’t true.”
“I am afraid that, if there are no more witnesses, both sides must make their closing statements or examine the evidence properly,” declared the judge.
Jimmy stood up and walked over to where the evidence was laid out. He picked up exhibit A and took it over to the jury box. He passed it to the jury and told each of them to have a look. Once all of them had read the article, he took it back and walked to the centre of the courtroom.
“Is it really bad to say summat like that, eh? It’s only his opinion, like. Wouldn’t ya say summat like that if it happened to ya?” asked Jimmy.
“Too right!” shouted Ozzy.
“Jury member, do not talk back to the council,” ordered the judge.
Jimmy returned the exhibit. “The rest of the evidence is the same thing, like. I rest me case.”
As Jimmy sat down, Roland stood up and addressed the jury. “Surely, the language used in society today is different and more relaxed than earlier in history.”
“Too right!” shouted Ozzy again.
“Jury member, you have been warned. Once more and I will have to replace you,” ordered the judge.
“As I was saying,” continued Roland, “a lot of people no longer care about the language used. However, when it begins to offend others, it has crossed the line. I suggest that Conker is definitely guilty as the evidence shows it has offended others. I, too, rest my case.”
“Very well,” the judge accepts. “Will each council now make it’s closing statements?”
Roland returned to his seat to allow Jimmy to approach the jury box.
“Right. My mate Conker ‘ere. He’s a bit miffed that people feel offended, like. He didn’t mean to offend ‘em. It’s just the fella he is, ya know. So, like, err, if ya wanna be cool, then say he ain’t guilty ‘n stuff. What’s that thing ‘bout free speech ‘n whatever? Where’s that, like? Nice one, see ya!”
Jimmy returned to his seat, looking very proud of himself and somewhat more educated. It was now Roland’s turn to approach the jury box and give his closing statement.
“Speech is free. Of course it is. But is that a problem? Imagine someone who swore all day long. Imagine someone who offended others by constantly choosing swear words over words that would not offend others. Imagine a line that has been crossed. Now imagine someone who has tried to extend that line, but fail. Imagine Conker Squirrel. Find him guilty and we shall no longer need to worry about people feeling…”
Roland is interrupted as Ozzy’s phone rings. At the objection of the judge, he attempts to answer it.
“Hello. How the do you work this thing? Hello? Sharon, is that you?”
The jury member sat next to him helps him by pressing the correct button.
“Hello? Sharon, what the do you want? Why can’t they outside? All you gotta do is go downstairs and open the door!”
Ozzy hangs up the phone. The judge extremely annoyed but decides not to prolong the case any further. He allows Roland to finish his closing statement.
“Find Conker guilty and we won’t have any more offended people. Find him guilty and evreser laiceps will no longer be a bad thing. Thank you.”
Roland returns to his seat and the judge orders the jury to leave and decide its verdict. As they leave, the courtroom partially empties. Conker is ordered to stay behind, however.
“We can’t find Conker guilty. If we do, they’ll try me next!” argues Ozzy to the other jury members.
Fortunately for Conker, the other members of the jury seem to be Ozzy’s fans. In exchange for the small price of an autograph, they all agree to vote the same and find Conker ‘not guilty.’ They return to the courtroom after only twenty minutes of discussion (signatures). News of their return spreads quickly and the courtroom fills up again. As they settle, the bailiff carries the small piece of a paper across the court to the judge. He reads it and returns it to the bailiff who, in turn, returns it to the head of the jury.
“Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?” asked the judge.
“We have,” replied the head of the jury.
“What say you?”
“In the case of Conker Squirrel versus the state, we find the defendant not guilty of all charges.”
There is a loud uproar from all over the courtroom as Conker thanks Jimmy for his help. The judge calls for order but not to no avail. Giving up, he closes the case and allows Conker to leave freely. As everyone leaves the court, the press line up outside ready to asks questions of Conker.
“Eh! No questions, like. Calm down, calm down!” shouts Jimmy.
On the rooftops across the street, though, there is an unseen threat. Teddiz. For some reason, they are all aiming at Ozzy Osborne. Their leader orders them to fire. As they shoot, though, Ozzy bends over to pick up his phone that has just started to ring again.
“Sharon? What? Again? I’ll be home soon. Just clean it up and get the dogs out of the house.”
Ozzy walks off unaware of the dead body behind him. The one whose life ended in substitute of his. Conker’s life.
A mysterious voice addresses Conker. “Who are you? You’re not a cat, are you? I hate those things!”
“No, I’m Conker.”
“Ah yes. Let’s see. Oh no! A squirrel. You’re a dead squirrel. That’s the only thing worse than a cat. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m the grim reaper. And I’m only grim because my job is so boring. I have to watch people come in here and then go back because it wasn’t their time. Bill and Ted. Ha, wait till I get hold of them again. As for you, you should have been found guilty. If you were guilty, you’d be living in jail for the rest of your life. Instead, some fool delivered the jury duty summons to the wrong Osborne. No matter, you get to go back to the land of the living on one condition anyway. You have to spend the rest of your life killing cats for me. I hate those things.”
Conker looks happy, yet surprised at the same time.
“Killing cats huh? Sounds like an easy thing to do.”
“No. Remember. Cats are evil. They have nine lives. You think you’ve killed them, but you haven’t. They just keep coming back! Argh! Cats, I hate those things. I won’t be happy until they’re extinct.”
All that can be heard as Conker is returned to a life of killing cats is the grim reaper mumbling about, and cursing, cats. It seems as if Conker is destined for a life of bad days.
“Not guilty,” was the sharp, quick response from the famous squirrel.
“Very well.”
Following a signal from the judge, a tall creature stood up. It resembled a weasel but it had facial scars and, what seemed to be, a slight disfigurement. It wasn’t until the creature spoke that it’s true identity was known. He was the most renowned prosecution lawyer known, Roland the rat. In his older age, Roland had caught a mysterious addiction, called evreser laiceps (translation: a very bad palindrome), which manages to eat away at the face of the victim through radiation, leaving him/her sexually unappealing. He addressed the judge. “Your majesty, I’d like to call the defender to the stand.”
The red squirrel rose from his seat and calmly marched towards the stand. As he sat down, the bailiff approached him with an important-looking book.
“Do you swear…” the bailiff began to say before being quickly interrupted.
“No!”
“Mr Squirrel. That was not a question relating to your trial. Please take the oath,” intervened the judge.
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Shigeru Miyamoto?” continued the bailiff.
“I do.”
As the bailiff retreated back to his small territory next to the jury box, Roland approached the defendant and asked, “Can you confirm your name for me, please?”
“Conker. Conker Squirrel.”
“It seems a bit too convenient to me that your surname also depicts what you are.”
“So does yours.”
“Excuse me. I’m not the one on trial. What’s more, I think that’s proof of your rude personality. The very reason you are sat here today!”
“Objection!” shouted one of the defence council. “That was blatant trickery.”
“Sustained,” the judge announced, addressing the prosecution, “Keep to the facts – the evidence – please.”
“Conker. May I call you Conker?” asked Roland.
“Err…”
“Thank you. Conker, do you understand the charges that are being upheld against you?”
“Yeah. Some of the locals have been moody ‘cause of the way I am. I just think it’s discriminatory.”
“Could you please refrain from using non-existent words Conker?”
“That is a real word. It means bigoted, biased, unfair.”
“No. I know what discriminatory means. I meant moody.”
“Moody is a word. It means to be in a mood with something or someone.”
“Ah-hah. So you admit it? You are moody!”
“Objection! Move to strike,” cried out the defence.
“Sustained,” replied the judge.
Conker’s lawyer closely resembled a 1970’s stereotypical disco-loving male, perm included. However, first appearances can often be misleading. He was actually a scouse dung beetle… in a shell suit, called Jimmy. Before Jimmy could continue his argument, the judge addressed Roland.
“Council, one more time and I will hold you in contempt.”
“Sorry, your majesty. I have no more questions.”
“Thank you, council. Mr Beetle, you may now cross-examine the witness.”
Roland returned to his seat as Jimmy began his cross-examination of Conker, who seemed to look slightly confused at the fact that Ozzy Osborne was sat in the jury box.
“Question one, Conker. How ya doin’ mate?”
Conker, whilst watching Ozzy give the finger to someone who looked at him funny, replied, “I could be better.”
“Question two, mate. D’ya feel cross?”
“I’m a bit annoyed that I’m here because of the way I am. As I said, I feel discriminated against.”
“Are ya cross, though?”
“Not really.”
“Awww, I’m sorry mate. Ya failed the exam.”
Conker looks confused, as does the judge. They both look at Jimmy, who then becomes self-conscious as to the reason why.
“Ya looking at me, eh? Are ya askin’ ‘cos I’m fightin’ if ya are.”
“Failed the exam? What do you mean?” asks Conker.
“I’m doin’ a cross-examination, like. Ya said ya weren’t cross, so ya failed,” replied Jimmy.
“That is not the intention of a cross-examination, council,” intervened the judge, “Please ask the defendant questions relating to the case and, if you so choose, questions relating to those asked by the prosecution.”
“Ah, right. Got ya! So, err, did ya do it?”
“Do what?” asked Conker.
“Ya know, do the crime. Did ya do it?”
“No.”
“Err, what about diss Cilla Black?”
“Who?”
“Never mind. Err, have ya got a bird?”
“If you mean a girlfriend, yes.”
“Is she alright, like?”
“Objection!” yelled Roland. “This has no relevance to the case.”
“Indeed,” agreed the judge. “Mr Beetle, if you do not know how to conduct yourself in the court, then I will have to ask you to leave. However, if you wish to continue, I will allow you to do so. Just make sure you know what you are doing.”
“Ok. Calm down, calm down. Chill, like. I ain’t got no more questions.”
“Thank you Mr Squirrel. You may now leave the stand,” said the judge.
Roland arose from the prosecution bench and announced that he had no witnesses and no one willing to take to the stand. The judge then asked Jimmy if he had anyone willing to testify for the defence.
“Err, no. I’ve seen the evidence, though, and it ain’t true.”
“I am afraid that, if there are no more witnesses, both sides must make their closing statements or examine the evidence properly,” declared the judge.
Jimmy stood up and walked over to where the evidence was laid out. He picked up exhibit A and took it over to the jury box. He passed it to the jury and told each of them to have a look. Once all of them had read the article, he took it back and walked to the centre of the courtroom.
“Is it really bad to say summat like that, eh? It’s only his opinion, like. Wouldn’t ya say summat like that if it happened to ya?” asked Jimmy.
“Too
“Jury member, do not talk back to the council,” ordered the judge.
Jimmy returned the exhibit. “The rest of the evidence is the same thing, like. I rest me case.”
As Jimmy sat down, Roland stood up and addressed the jury. “Surely, the language used in society today is different and more relaxed than earlier in history.”
“Too
“Jury member, you have been warned. Once more and I will have to replace you,” ordered the judge.
“As I was saying,” continued Roland, “a lot of people no longer care about the language used. However, when it begins to offend others, it has crossed the line. I suggest that Conker is definitely guilty as the evidence shows it has offended others. I, too, rest my case.”
“Very well,” the judge accepts. “Will each council now make it’s closing statements?”
Roland returned to his seat to allow Jimmy to approach the jury box.
“Right. My mate Conker ‘ere. He’s a bit miffed that people feel offended, like. He didn’t mean to offend ‘em. It’s just the fella he is, ya know. So, like, err, if ya wanna be cool, then say he ain’t guilty ‘n stuff. What’s that thing ‘bout free speech ‘n whatever? Where’s that, like? Nice one, see ya!”
Jimmy returned to his seat, looking very proud of himself and somewhat more educated. It was now Roland’s turn to approach the jury box and give his closing statement.
“Speech is free. Of course it is. But is that a problem? Imagine someone who swore all day long. Imagine someone who offended others by constantly choosing swear words over words that would not offend others. Imagine a line that has been crossed. Now imagine someone who has tried to extend that line, but fail. Imagine Conker Squirrel. Find him guilty and we shall no longer need to worry about people feeling…”
Roland is interrupted as Ozzy’s phone rings. At the objection of the judge, he attempts to answer it.
“Hello. How the
The jury member sat next to him helps him by pressing the correct button.
“Hello? Sharon, what the
Ozzy hangs up the phone. The judge extremely annoyed but decides not to prolong the case any further. He allows Roland to finish his closing statement.
“Find Conker guilty and we won’t have any more offended people. Find him guilty and evreser laiceps will no longer be a bad thing. Thank you.”
Roland returns to his seat and the judge orders the jury to leave and decide its verdict. As they leave, the courtroom partially empties. Conker is ordered to stay behind, however.
“We can’t find Conker guilty. If we do, they’ll
Fortunately for Conker, the other members of the jury seem to be Ozzy’s fans. In exchange for the small price of an autograph, they all agree to vote the same and find Conker ‘not guilty.’ They return to the courtroom after only twenty minutes of discussion (signatures). News of their return spreads quickly and the courtroom fills up again. As they settle, the bailiff carries the small piece of a paper across the court to the judge. He reads it and returns it to the bailiff who, in turn, returns it to the head of the jury.
“Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?” asked the judge.
“We have,” replied the head of the jury.
“What say you?”
“In the case of Conker Squirrel versus the state, we find the defendant not guilty of all charges.”
There is a loud uproar from all over the courtroom as Conker thanks Jimmy for his help. The judge calls for order but not to no avail. Giving up, he closes the case and allows Conker to leave freely. As everyone leaves the court, the press line up outside ready to asks questions of Conker.
“Eh! No questions, like. Calm down, calm down!” shouts Jimmy.
On the rooftops across the street, though, there is an unseen threat. Teddiz. For some reason, they are all aiming at Ozzy Osborne. Their leader orders them to fire. As they shoot, though, Ozzy bends over to pick up his phone that has just started to ring again.
“Sharon? What? Again? I’ll be home soon. Just clean it up and get the dogs out of the
Ozzy walks off unaware of the dead body behind him. The one whose life ended in substitute of his. Conker’s life.
A mysterious voice addresses Conker. “Who are you? You’re not a cat, are you? I hate those things!”
“No, I’m Conker.”
“Ah yes. Let’s see. Oh no! A squirrel. You’re a dead squirrel. That’s the only thing worse than a cat. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m the grim reaper. And I’m only grim because my job is so boring. I have to watch people come in here and then go back because it wasn’t their time. Bill and Ted. Ha, wait till I get hold of them again. As for you, you should have been found guilty. If you were guilty, you’d be living in jail for the rest of your life. Instead, some fool delivered the jury duty summons to the wrong Osborne. No matter, you get to go back to the land of the living on one condition anyway. You have to spend the rest of your life killing cats for me. I hate those things.”
Conker looks happy, yet surprised at the same time.
“Killing cats huh? Sounds like an easy thing to do.”
“No. Remember. Cats are evil. They have nine lives. You think you’ve killed them, but you haven’t. They just keep coming back! Argh! Cats, I hate those things. I won’t be happy until they’re extinct.”
All that can be heard as Conker is returned to a life of killing cats is the grim reaper mumbling about, and cursing, cats. It seems as if Conker is destined for a life of bad days.
Amusing.
Although I can't help wishing that I'd played the game. Would've boosted enjoyment slightly.
Anyway, well done.
Although I can't help wishing that I'd played the game. Would've boosted enjoyment slightly.
Anyway, well done.
Nice one SD.
There's a non-game related story in the Life forum, if anyone wants an interesting read.
There's a non-game related story in the Life forum, if anyone wants an interesting read.
Long, but a good read, SD.
“How do you plead?” asked the strange, wig-wearing canine version of a Michael Burke look-a-like. “Guilty or not guilty?”
“Not guilty,” was the sharp, quick response from the famous squirrel.
“Very well.”
Following a signal from the judge, a tall creature stood up. It resembled a weasel but it had facial scars and, what seemed to be, a slight disfigurement. It wasn’t until the creature spoke that it’s true identity was known. He was the most renowned prosecution lawyer known, Roland the rat. In his older age, Roland had caught a mysterious addiction, called evreser laiceps (translation: a very bad palindrome), which manages to eat away at the face of the victim through radiation, leaving him/her sexually unappealing. He addressed the judge. “Your majesty, I’d like to call the defender to the stand.”
The red squirrel rose from his seat and calmly marched towards the stand. As he sat down, the bailiff approached him with an important-looking book.
“Do you swear…” the bailiff began to say before being quickly interrupted.
“No!”
“Mr Squirrel. That was not a question relating to your trial. Please take the oath,” intervened the judge.
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Shigeru Miyamoto?” continued the bailiff.
“I do.”
As the bailiff retreated back to his small territory next to the jury box, Roland approached the defendant and asked, “Can you confirm your name for me, please?”
“Conker. Conker Squirrel.”
“It seems a bit too convenient to me that your surname also depicts what you are.”
“So does yours.”
“Excuse me. I’m not the one on trial. What’s more, I think that’s proof of your rude personality. The very reason you are sat here today!”
“Objection!” shouted one of the defence council. “That was blatant trickery.”
“Sustained,” the judge announced, addressing the prosecution, “Keep to the facts – the evidence – please.”
“Conker. May I call you Conker?” asked Roland.
“Err…”
“Thank you. Conker, do you understand the charges that are being upheld against you?”
“Yeah. Some of the locals have been moody ‘cause of the way I am. I just think it’s discriminatory.”
“Could you please refrain from using non-existent words Conker?”
“That is a real word. It means bigoted, biased, unfair.”
“No. I know what discriminatory means. I meant moody.”
“Moody is a word. It means to be in a mood with something or someone.”
“Ah-hah. So you admit it? You are moody!”
“Objection! Move to strike,” cried out the defence.
“Sustained,” replied the judge.
Conker’s lawyer closely resembled a 1970’s stereotypical disco-loving male, perm included. However, first appearances can often be misleading. He was actually a scouse dung beetle… in a shell suit, called Jimmy. Before Jimmy could continue his argument, the judge addressed Roland.
“Council, one more time and I will hold you in contempt.”
“Sorry, your majesty. I have no more questions.”
“Thank you, council. Mr Beetle, you may now cross-examine the witness.”
Roland returned to his seat as Jimmy began his cross-examination of Conker, who seemed to look slightly confused at the fact that Ozzy Osborne was sat in the jury box.
“Question one, Conker. How ya doin’ mate?”
Conker, whilst watching Ozzy give the finger to someone who looked at him funny, replied, “I could be better.”
“Question two, mate. D’ya feel cross?”
“I’m a bit annoyed that I’m here because of the way I am. As I said, I feel discriminated against.”
“Are ya cross, though?”
“Not really.”
“Awww, I’m sorry mate. Ya failed the exam.”
Conker looks confused, as does the judge. They both look at Jimmy, who then becomes self-conscious as to the reason why.
“Ya looking at me, eh? Are ya askin’ ‘cos I’m fightin’ if ya are.”
“Failed the exam? What do you mean?” asks Conker.
“I’m doin’ a cross-examination, like. Ya said ya weren’t cross, so ya failed,” replied Jimmy.
“That is not the intention of a cross-examination, council,” intervened the judge, “Please ask the defendant questions relating to the case and, if you so choose, questions relating to those asked by the prosecution.”
“Ah, right. Got ya! So, err, did ya do it?”
“Do what?” asked Conker.
“Ya know, do the crime. Did ya do it?”
“No.”
“Err, what about diss Cilla Black?”
“Who?”
“Never mind. Err, have ya got a bird?”
“If you mean a girlfriend, yes.”
“Is she alright, like?”
“Objection!” yelled Roland. “This has no relevance to the case.”
“Indeed,” agreed the judge. “Mr Beetle, if you do not know how to conduct yourself in the court, then I will have to ask you to leave. However, if you wish to continue, I will allow you to do so. Just make sure you know what you are doing.”
“Ok. Calm down, calm down. Chill, like. I ain’t got no more questions.”
“Thank you Mr Squirrel. You may now leave the stand,” said the judge.
Roland arose from the prosecution bench and announced that he had no witnesses and no one willing to take to the stand. The judge then asked Jimmy if he had anyone willing to testify for the defence.
“Err, no. I’ve seen the evidence, though, and it ain’t true.”
“I am afraid that, if there are no more witnesses, both sides must make their closing statements or examine the evidence properly,” declared the judge.
Jimmy stood up and walked over to where the evidence was laid out. He picked up exhibit A and took it over to the jury box. He passed it to the jury and told each of them to have a look. Once all of them had read the article, he took it back and walked to the centre of the courtroom.
“Is it really bad to say summat like that, eh? It’s only his opinion, like. Wouldn’t ya say summat like that if it happened to ya?” asked Jimmy.
“Too right!” shouted Ozzy.
“Jury member, do not talk back to the council,” ordered the judge.
Jimmy returned the exhibit. “The rest of the evidence is the same thing, like. I rest me case.”
As Jimmy sat down, Roland stood up and addressed the jury. “Surely, the language used in society today is different and more relaxed than earlier in history.”
“Too right!” shouted Ozzy again.
“Jury member, you have been warned. Once more and I will have to replace you,” ordered the judge.
“As I was saying,” continued Roland, “a lot of people no longer care about the language used. However, when it begins to offend others, it has crossed the line. I suggest that Conker is definitely guilty as the evidence shows it has offended others. I, too, rest my case.”
“Very well,” the judge accepts. “Will each council now make it’s closing statements?”
Roland returned to his seat to allow Jimmy to approach the jury box.
“Right. My mate Conker ‘ere. He’s a bit miffed that people feel offended, like. He didn’t mean to offend ‘em. It’s just the fella he is, ya know. So, like, err, if ya wanna be cool, then say he ain’t guilty ‘n stuff. What’s that thing ‘bout free speech ‘n whatever? Where’s that, like? Nice one, see ya!”
Jimmy returned to his seat, looking very proud of himself and somewhat more educated. It was now Roland’s turn to approach the jury box and give his closing statement.
“Speech is free. Of course it is. But is that a problem? Imagine someone who swore all day long. Imagine someone who offended others by constantly choosing swear words over words that would not offend others. Imagine a line that has been crossed. Now imagine someone who has tried to extend that line, but fail. Imagine Conker Squirrel. Find him guilty and we shall no longer need to worry about people feeling…”
Roland is interrupted as Ozzy’s phone rings. At the objection of the judge, he attempts to answer it.
“Hello. How the do you work this thing? Hello? Sharon, is that you?”
The jury member sat next to him helps him by pressing the correct button.
“Hello? Sharon, what the do you want? Why can’t they outside? All you gotta do is go downstairs and open the door!”
Ozzy hangs up the phone. The judge extremely annoyed but decides not to prolong the case any further. He allows Roland to finish his closing statement.
“Find Conker guilty and we won’t have any more offended people. Find him guilty and evreser laiceps will no longer be a bad thing. Thank you.”
Roland returns to his seat and the judge orders the jury to leave and decide its verdict. As they leave, the courtroom partially empties. Conker is ordered to stay behind, however.
“We can’t find Conker guilty. If we do, they’ll try me next!” argues Ozzy to the other jury members.
Fortunately for Conker, the other members of the jury seem to be Ozzy’s fans. In exchange for the small price of an autograph, they all agree to vote the same and find Conker ‘not guilty.’ They return to the courtroom after only twenty minutes of discussion (signatures). News of their return spreads quickly and the courtroom fills up again. As they settle, the bailiff carries the small piece of a paper across the court to the judge. He reads it and returns it to the bailiff who, in turn, returns it to the head of the jury.
“Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?” asked the judge.
“We have,” replied the head of the jury.
“What say you?”
“In the case of Conker Squirrel versus the state, we find the defendant not guilty of all charges.”
There is a loud uproar from all over the courtroom as Conker thanks Jimmy for his help. The judge calls for order but not to no avail. Giving up, he closes the case and allows Conker to leave freely. As everyone leaves the court, the press line up outside ready to asks questions of Conker.
“Eh! No questions, like. Calm down, calm down!” shouts Jimmy.
On the rooftops across the street, though, there is an unseen threat. Teddiz. For some reason, they are all aiming at Ozzy Osborne. Their leader orders them to fire. As they shoot, though, Ozzy bends over to pick up his phone that has just started to ring again.
“Sharon? What? Again? I’ll be home soon. Just clean it up and get the dogs out of the house.”
Ozzy walks off unaware of the dead body behind him. The one whose life ended in substitute of his. Conker’s life.
A mysterious voice addresses Conker. “Who are you? You’re not a cat, are you? I hate those things!”
“No, I’m Conker.”
“Ah yes. Let’s see. Oh no! A squirrel. You’re a dead squirrel. That’s the only thing worse than a cat. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m the grim reaper. And I’m only grim because my job is so boring. I have to watch people come in here and then go back because it wasn’t their time. Bill and Ted. Ha, wait till I get hold of them again. As for you, you should have been found guilty. If you were guilty, you’d be living in jail for the rest of your life. Instead, some fool delivered the jury duty summons to the wrong Osborne. No matter, you get to go back to the land of the living on one condition anyway. You have to spend the rest of your life killing cats for me. I hate those things.”
Conker looks happy, yet surprised at the same time.
“Killing cats huh? Sounds like an easy thing to do.”
“No. Remember. Cats are evil. They have nine lives. You think you’ve killed them, but you haven’t. They just keep coming back! Argh! Cats, I hate those things. I won’t be happy until they’re extinct.”
All that can be heard as Conker is returned to a life of killing cats is the grim reaper mumbling about, and cursing, cats. It seems as if Conker is destined for a life of bad days.
“Not guilty,” was the sharp, quick response from the famous squirrel.
“Very well.”
Following a signal from the judge, a tall creature stood up. It resembled a weasel but it had facial scars and, what seemed to be, a slight disfigurement. It wasn’t until the creature spoke that it’s true identity was known. He was the most renowned prosecution lawyer known, Roland the rat. In his older age, Roland had caught a mysterious addiction, called evreser laiceps (translation: a very bad palindrome), which manages to eat away at the face of the victim through radiation, leaving him/her sexually unappealing. He addressed the judge. “Your majesty, I’d like to call the defender to the stand.”
The red squirrel rose from his seat and calmly marched towards the stand. As he sat down, the bailiff approached him with an important-looking book.
“Do you swear…” the bailiff began to say before being quickly interrupted.
“No!”
“Mr Squirrel. That was not a question relating to your trial. Please take the oath,” intervened the judge.
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Shigeru Miyamoto?” continued the bailiff.
“I do.”
As the bailiff retreated back to his small territory next to the jury box, Roland approached the defendant and asked, “Can you confirm your name for me, please?”
“Conker. Conker Squirrel.”
“It seems a bit too convenient to me that your surname also depicts what you are.”
“So does yours.”
“Excuse me. I’m not the one on trial. What’s more, I think that’s proof of your rude personality. The very reason you are sat here today!”
“Objection!” shouted one of the defence council. “That was blatant trickery.”
“Sustained,” the judge announced, addressing the prosecution, “Keep to the facts – the evidence – please.”
“Conker. May I call you Conker?” asked Roland.
“Err…”
“Thank you. Conker, do you understand the charges that are being upheld against you?”
“Yeah. Some of the locals have been moody ‘cause of the way I am. I just think it’s discriminatory.”
“Could you please refrain from using non-existent words Conker?”
“That is a real word. It means bigoted, biased, unfair.”
“No. I know what discriminatory means. I meant moody.”
“Moody is a word. It means to be in a mood with something or someone.”
“Ah-hah. So you admit it? You are moody!”
“Objection! Move to strike,” cried out the defence.
“Sustained,” replied the judge.
Conker’s lawyer closely resembled a 1970’s stereotypical disco-loving male, perm included. However, first appearances can often be misleading. He was actually a scouse dung beetle… in a shell suit, called Jimmy. Before Jimmy could continue his argument, the judge addressed Roland.
“Council, one more time and I will hold you in contempt.”
“Sorry, your majesty. I have no more questions.”
“Thank you, council. Mr Beetle, you may now cross-examine the witness.”
Roland returned to his seat as Jimmy began his cross-examination of Conker, who seemed to look slightly confused at the fact that Ozzy Osborne was sat in the jury box.
“Question one, Conker. How ya doin’ mate?”
Conker, whilst watching Ozzy give the finger to someone who looked at him funny, replied, “I could be better.”
“Question two, mate. D’ya feel cross?”
“I’m a bit annoyed that I’m here because of the way I am. As I said, I feel discriminated against.”
“Are ya cross, though?”
“Not really.”
“Awww, I’m sorry mate. Ya failed the exam.”
Conker looks confused, as does the judge. They both look at Jimmy, who then becomes self-conscious as to the reason why.
“Ya looking at me, eh? Are ya askin’ ‘cos I’m fightin’ if ya are.”
“Failed the exam? What do you mean?” asks Conker.
“I’m doin’ a cross-examination, like. Ya said ya weren’t cross, so ya failed,” replied Jimmy.
“That is not the intention of a cross-examination, council,” intervened the judge, “Please ask the defendant questions relating to the case and, if you so choose, questions relating to those asked by the prosecution.”
“Ah, right. Got ya! So, err, did ya do it?”
“Do what?” asked Conker.
“Ya know, do the crime. Did ya do it?”
“No.”
“Err, what about diss Cilla Black?”
“Who?”
“Never mind. Err, have ya got a bird?”
“If you mean a girlfriend, yes.”
“Is she alright, like?”
“Objection!” yelled Roland. “This has no relevance to the case.”
“Indeed,” agreed the judge. “Mr Beetle, if you do not know how to conduct yourself in the court, then I will have to ask you to leave. However, if you wish to continue, I will allow you to do so. Just make sure you know what you are doing.”
“Ok. Calm down, calm down. Chill, like. I ain’t got no more questions.”
“Thank you Mr Squirrel. You may now leave the stand,” said the judge.
Roland arose from the prosecution bench and announced that he had no witnesses and no one willing to take to the stand. The judge then asked Jimmy if he had anyone willing to testify for the defence.
“Err, no. I’ve seen the evidence, though, and it ain’t true.”
“I am afraid that, if there are no more witnesses, both sides must make their closing statements or examine the evidence properly,” declared the judge.
Jimmy stood up and walked over to where the evidence was laid out. He picked up exhibit A and took it over to the jury box. He passed it to the jury and told each of them to have a look. Once all of them had read the article, he took it back and walked to the centre of the courtroom.
“Is it really bad to say summat like that, eh? It’s only his opinion, like. Wouldn’t ya say summat like that if it happened to ya?” asked Jimmy.
“Too
“Jury member, do not talk back to the council,” ordered the judge.
Jimmy returned the exhibit. “The rest of the evidence is the same thing, like. I rest me case.”
As Jimmy sat down, Roland stood up and addressed the jury. “Surely, the language used in society today is different and more relaxed than earlier in history.”
“Too
“Jury member, you have been warned. Once more and I will have to replace you,” ordered the judge.
“As I was saying,” continued Roland, “a lot of people no longer care about the language used. However, when it begins to offend others, it has crossed the line. I suggest that Conker is definitely guilty as the evidence shows it has offended others. I, too, rest my case.”
“Very well,” the judge accepts. “Will each council now make it’s closing statements?”
Roland returned to his seat to allow Jimmy to approach the jury box.
“Right. My mate Conker ‘ere. He’s a bit miffed that people feel offended, like. He didn’t mean to offend ‘em. It’s just the fella he is, ya know. So, like, err, if ya wanna be cool, then say he ain’t guilty ‘n stuff. What’s that thing ‘bout free speech ‘n whatever? Where’s that, like? Nice one, see ya!”
Jimmy returned to his seat, looking very proud of himself and somewhat more educated. It was now Roland’s turn to approach the jury box and give his closing statement.
“Speech is free. Of course it is. But is that a problem? Imagine someone who swore all day long. Imagine someone who offended others by constantly choosing swear words over words that would not offend others. Imagine a line that has been crossed. Now imagine someone who has tried to extend that line, but fail. Imagine Conker Squirrel. Find him guilty and we shall no longer need to worry about people feeling…”
Roland is interrupted as Ozzy’s phone rings. At the objection of the judge, he attempts to answer it.
“Hello. How the
The jury member sat next to him helps him by pressing the correct button.
“Hello? Sharon, what the
Ozzy hangs up the phone. The judge extremely annoyed but decides not to prolong the case any further. He allows Roland to finish his closing statement.
“Find Conker guilty and we won’t have any more offended people. Find him guilty and evreser laiceps will no longer be a bad thing. Thank you.”
Roland returns to his seat and the judge orders the jury to leave and decide its verdict. As they leave, the courtroom partially empties. Conker is ordered to stay behind, however.
“We can’t find Conker guilty. If we do, they’ll
Fortunately for Conker, the other members of the jury seem to be Ozzy’s fans. In exchange for the small price of an autograph, they all agree to vote the same and find Conker ‘not guilty.’ They return to the courtroom after only twenty minutes of discussion (signatures). News of their return spreads quickly and the courtroom fills up again. As they settle, the bailiff carries the small piece of a paper across the court to the judge. He reads it and returns it to the bailiff who, in turn, returns it to the head of the jury.
“Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?” asked the judge.
“We have,” replied the head of the jury.
“What say you?”
“In the case of Conker Squirrel versus the state, we find the defendant not guilty of all charges.”
There is a loud uproar from all over the courtroom as Conker thanks Jimmy for his help. The judge calls for order but not to no avail. Giving up, he closes the case and allows Conker to leave freely. As everyone leaves the court, the press line up outside ready to asks questions of Conker.
“Eh! No questions, like. Calm down, calm down!” shouts Jimmy.
On the rooftops across the street, though, there is an unseen threat. Teddiz. For some reason, they are all aiming at Ozzy Osborne. Their leader orders them to fire. As they shoot, though, Ozzy bends over to pick up his phone that has just started to ring again.
“Sharon? What? Again? I’ll be home soon. Just clean it up and get the dogs out of the
Ozzy walks off unaware of the dead body behind him. The one whose life ended in substitute of his. Conker’s life.
A mysterious voice addresses Conker. “Who are you? You’re not a cat, are you? I hate those things!”
“No, I’m Conker.”
“Ah yes. Let’s see. Oh no! A squirrel. You’re a dead squirrel. That’s the only thing worse than a cat. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m the grim reaper. And I’m only grim because my job is so boring. I have to watch people come in here and then go back because it wasn’t their time. Bill and Ted. Ha, wait till I get hold of them again. As for you, you should have been found guilty. If you were guilty, you’d be living in jail for the rest of your life. Instead, some fool delivered the jury duty summons to the wrong Osborne. No matter, you get to go back to the land of the living on one condition anyway. You have to spend the rest of your life killing cats for me. I hate those things.”
Conker looks happy, yet surprised at the same time.
“Killing cats huh? Sounds like an easy thing to do.”
“No. Remember. Cats are evil. They have nine lives. You think you’ve killed them, but you haven’t. They just keep coming back! Argh! Cats, I hate those things. I won’t be happy until they’re extinct.”
All that can be heard as Conker is returned to a life of killing cats is the grim reaper mumbling about, and cursing, cats. It seems as if Conker is destined for a life of bad days.