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Right, to avoid any confusion on who's died, who hasn't etc, there was a magical serum that reivived dead people, yeah....
Oh, and thanks to Mark for pointing out that EATM3 does look like eat me, which is why I stuck to the non-abbreviated title. Anyway, enjoy! :D
=======================================
It was 7 years after DW's last campaign. He had finally decided to give the whole, "I'll take over the house" idea and went neutral. AJ, after saving the house for the second time was promoted, alongside Chips, Quinty and Phi11ip to their own Sniper Baguette division, Sniper elite. They were to take the full force of the major onslaught that was slowly appearing over the horizon, or rather, the desktop…
Starlight: Early start lads.
Quinty: Urgh. Way too early. Why do we have to get up this early anyway? It's not like there's a war on.
Chips: Indeed, it's far too early.
Phi11ip: Melons.
Starlight: I'm going to blame that on tiredness, Phil. Anyway, there could be a war at any time, so it's imperative that you train everyday. Your country will thanks you later, I mean, er, the Kitchen. *cough*
Quinty: Can't I just stay in bed until later. We got a bit rowdy down the freezer last night. My head hurts.
Phil: It was the melons!
Starlight: No excuses, now get up!
Very reluctantly, they all get up. And as they do, a distant explosion is heard.
Mandy: Sir, new intell. There's a formidable force building up in the garage. It seems it’s a new army, too.
Starlight: See! Now, with the training you've had, you'll be ready for this!
Phil: Wow, that explosion woke me up. Erm, Sir, er….. Why is there a pond outside the window?
Starlight: Look, it's nothing you're not prepared for. I bet it isn't even big!
Oh, but it was. It was a lake. The explosion had caused the dam up in the gutter of the garage to burst, allowing the water to flow right down near the house.
Starlight: Well, erm, I suppose you had better get sorted. I'll send out the recon's to check out the whole situation.
Parr: Parr, Bazzman and Kyz reporting for duty, sir!
Starlight: Right, good. Parr, take your team out and check the surrounding area. When the all clear has passed, go ahead and check the gutter, and see how much damage, and to what extent, the explosion has caused.
Parr: YES SIR!
Starlight: Move out.
And they went and checked the drive. Nothing, which was fortunate. This gave Starlight enough time to assemble his relatively small army and prepare for battle. They then went a searched near the garage, and radioed back to base.
Bazzman: Base, this is Bazzman. Nothing found so far. Will continue to survey they area and, no, NO! GET AWAY! ARGH!
Rabbit K: Bazzman? Bazzman, this is base. BAZZMAN! Sir, he's gone. They're all gone.
Starlight: What in blazes? Send the tupperware fighter squad to get an aerial image of the Garage.
Rabbit K: Will do, sir. Fighter squad, come in Fighter Squad.
Dark Mark: Yellow? Oh, just finishing my Pot noodle.
Rabbit K: Yes, quite. Anyway, you have orders. Go and take aerial photos of the garage, and report back to base a.s.a.p.
Dark Mark: Yeah, hang on. Just stirring the hot water in now.
Rabbit K: Mark!
Mark: Ok, Ok, I'll only eat half.
Rabbit K: MARK!
Mark: Pish, didn't want it anyway.
And so He baggered off to his Tupperware container, and clambered inside. He signaled to Cyclone that they were to take off immediately. And amazingly, they did! They soon approached the garage, considering it was only 20 feet away, and snapped away. Suddenly, a blue bolt came from inside the garage, and hit Cyclone's box.
Cyclone: ARGH, Nooooo! Mark; tell my kids I love 'em.
Mark: You have no Kids…
Cyclone: And tell Marie that yes, I would go to the prom with her.
Mark: Cyclone, just eject for Christ sake.
Cyclone: Oh yeah.
He pressed the Big, red button, and bang! He flew out and within minutes, had landed on the porch of the house.
Mark: Muppet, absolute Muppet.
When Mark landed back at base, Cyclone wandered over and had a word.
Cyclone: Er, mark, let's, er, forget we ever said anything up there, yeah?
Mark: Ohhhhhh, Marieeeee!
Cyclone: You, you, fiend!
Mark: Fiend! AHAHA! No, you're a ruffian!
Cyclone: Ssh, you pittance. Are you Squiffy?
Starlight: Enough of the old fart talk, do you have those photos for me?
Mark: Yeah, right here. I'll go get them developed.
Starlight: Good, bring them to the emergency meeting in 5 mins.
Mark: Yes sir.
When Mark developed them, he proceeded to the cupboard above the sink, and handed the photos to Starlight.
Starlight: Men, I've assembled you here today to tell you the news. There is a war. We know who are enemy is, and we are scared, I'm wetting my pants! Hang on, who swapped my speech notes?
Posh Kid: *Giggles* Heh, you wet your pants!
Starlight: I knew it would have been you! Anyway, as the photos suggest, it is a garage. And it does have a roof. Oh yeah, the notes were swapped. Erm. Anyway. Intel suggests are foe is none other than Flux and his Fluxating Army!
Posh Kid: Oh Fluxck!
Starlight: How rude, yet clever usage of swear words there.
Posh kid: Swearing? Me? Never!
Starlight: But, it was, and it suggested, ah, never mind. Anyway, we must assemble our crabs and get ready to fight off my grandma! You switched my notes again!
Posh Kid: Heh, yes. *giggles*
Starlight: I have a good right to kick you out of the Kitchen Army for good!
Posh Kid: Sorry, sir.
Starlight: I should think so. Anyway, we move out at 0600 hours tomorrow. Any questions?
Quinty: Early, again?
Starlight: Yes, I'm sorry. Just don't wake me up when you send the tanks over the gravel on the drive.
Quinty: Alright for some!
Starlight: Erm, anyway. Men, fallout.
They all left and headed back to their bunks. The talk of the evening was on tomorrow.
Time_Warp (Sam): How many monkeys are you betting on in tomorrow's race?
*Ed*- No, not that. The other thing happening tomorrow.
Sam: oh yes, right. Anyway, I hope things don't get too messy out there.
Cyclone: Yeah, 'twould be a terrible shame if we lost as many men as last time.
Auf Deutsch (Aufie): Yeah, and I had better not get a rash in my butt again!
Quinty: I remember that! We were legging it across the Living room, eh Chips?
Chips: yeah, friggin' DW army, and all that "Goben DW" stuff. Right, night all.
And off they drifted to sleep. When they would wake, it wouldn’t be as easy as they had planned…
Starlight: EVERYONE, GET UP, NOW!
Reluctantly, everyone staggered to his feet, and wiped the sleep from his eyes.
Starlight: No, not just him, everyone!
Everyone: I really had better get my name changed…
Starlight: No time for talk! Flux has had his troops gather outside the garage, and Intel suggests that it's an army like no other.
Phil: What’s so different? They have Melons, yes? MELONS! THINK OF THE MELONS!
Starlight: You really had better get that checked Phil. And no, they don't have melons. They've enlisted the help of the Garden Gnomes.
Quinty: It's funny, they bear a slight resemblance to HHAT!
HalloHowArtThou (HHAT): Ssh, you!
AJ: I'm back, sir.
Starlight: Ah, AJ. Just the man we need. You're needed with the Sniper elite division. Chips says he needs the support.
Chips: Yeah, we do. How was your holiday?
AJ: Different. I always wanted to know the cultures of next door, and it was certainly different. Right, we had better get moving, the gnomes look hungry.
Quinty: Indeed. Ok guys, move out!
Quinty was the head of operations and movement in the Sniper elite (SE). Phil was chief Melon shooter, er, I mean, comm's expert, AJ gave the best support a division could ask for, and me, well, I just had good aim.
Starlight: Good luck men. *Sniff* Haven't they grown so fast?
Rabbit K: Yes, sir. Here, have a Kleenex.
Starlight: Thanks. Now, better get back up to the radio room. I need to give out instructions.
A few minutes later, the whole Kitchen Army were nearing the Garage. Most were dreading this moment, but some, well, lets just say they had been waiting a long time for this moment.
RM18: Tank Division Ready!
Reddy: Yes? Oh, right, sorry. Erm, Toaster anti-air ready!
Evil Dark: Whitestripes and I are providing support from the Comms room. Quinty will relay all the messages to you all. Carry on.
Drunk Cow: Blender artillery, ready.
Sam: Infantry unit ready.
Azul: Milk bottle rocket division, ready.
Quinty: Sniper elite Baguette division, ready, and in position in the tree.
Starlight: Ok men, this is it. Good luck.
And off they went. The toaster anti-air division set themselves up under the cover of a plant pot, the blender Artillery units set themselves behind RM18's tank division, who were rapidly advancing. The Milk bottle rocket division immediately began firing upon the Flux Army, and had quite a high success rate. Everything seemed to go well, until the Gnomes appeared.
Phil: Oh my god! They have fishing rods!
Quinty: Guys, you know what to do.
AJ: Yep, aim for the, erm, 'rear end'.
Quinty: Yeah, all Gnomes are modest. Hit them where it hurts their pride.
And so they did. After ten minutes, they had already disabled the majority of the Gnomes. A small Flux infantry unit broke away and began running towards Sam's Infantry force. They engaged in battle, guns firing, teeth clenched, Maddmun letting off the occasional fart.
Gerbil Man: Die Kitchen army! We will take over the House!
Aufie: Never! Remember, we can't die!
Maverick: No, but your milk bottle rocket division can. They haven't had the serum.
Quinty: Milk bottle division, we've had strict orders for you to get out of there, right now.
Azul: We can handle it.
Quinty: No, get out NOW!
Azul: NO! It's too late! You fiend! Get away! NOOOO!
A large BOOM was heard, it echoed around the driveway.
Quinty: Stupid fool. Should have got out while he had the chance.
Foreman: Ellis, get ready to flank their Tank division.
Ellis: That RM18 won't stand a chance.
RM18: Aha, but you’re wrong. I'm steady and consistent!
Ellis: oh yeah, bagger. We forgot. How could we forget?
Faster Master Blaster: I don't know, but I'm out of here.
The Flux army began retreating.
Quinty: Sir, do it now!
Starlight: Ok. Mark, Cyclone, you ready?
Mark: Mmm Cup-a-soup extra. Oh, the bombing, yeah, I'm ready.
They both clambered into their modified Tupperware fighter planes, now equipped with Hot Sauce Napalm bombs, and took off. When they reached the Garage, they dropped their load (Snigger!)
Mark: Direct hit. Garage is on fire. Repeat, Garage is on fire.
Starlight: Excellent. Troops, well fought. Return back to base.
Everyone returned home. They were thankful that there weren't too many losses, and that the Kitchen would be safe again. But for just how long? We may never find out.
Thanks for reading.
Chips.
Oh, and thanks to Mark for pointing out that EATM3 does look like eat me, which is why I stuck to the non-abbreviated title. Anyway, enjoy! :D
=======================================
It was 7 years after DW's last campaign. He had finally decided to give the whole, "I'll take over the house" idea and went neutral. AJ, after saving the house for the second time was promoted, alongside Chips, Quinty and Phi11ip to their own Sniper Baguette division, Sniper elite. They were to take the full force of the major onslaught that was slowly appearing over the horizon, or rather, the desktop…
Starlight: Early start lads.
Quinty: Urgh. Way too early. Why do we have to get up this early anyway? It's not like there's a war on.
Chips: Indeed, it's far too early.
Phi11ip: Melons.
Starlight: I'm going to blame that on tiredness, Phil. Anyway, there could be a war at any time, so it's imperative that you train everyday. Your country will thanks you later, I mean, er, the Kitchen. *cough*
Quinty: Can't I just stay in bed until later. We got a bit rowdy down the freezer last night. My head hurts.
Phil: It was the melons!
Starlight: No excuses, now get up!
Very reluctantly, they all get up. And as they do, a distant explosion is heard.
Mandy: Sir, new intell. There's a formidable force building up in the garage. It seems it’s a new army, too.
Starlight: See! Now, with the training you've had, you'll be ready for this!
Phil: Wow, that explosion woke me up. Erm, Sir, er….. Why is there a pond outside the window?
Starlight: Look, it's nothing you're not prepared for. I bet it isn't even big!
Oh, but it was. It was a lake. The explosion had caused the dam up in the gutter of the garage to burst, allowing the water to flow right down near the house.
Starlight: Well, erm, I suppose you had better get sorted. I'll send out the recon's to check out the whole situation.
Parr: Parr, Bazzman and Kyz reporting for duty, sir!
Starlight: Right, good. Parr, take your team out and check the surrounding area. When the all clear has passed, go ahead and check the gutter, and see how much damage, and to what extent, the explosion has caused.
Parr: YES SIR!
Starlight: Move out.
And they went and checked the drive. Nothing, which was fortunate. This gave Starlight enough time to assemble his relatively small army and prepare for battle. They then went a searched near the garage, and radioed back to base.
Bazzman: Base, this is Bazzman. Nothing found so far. Will continue to survey they area and, no, NO! GET AWAY! ARGH!
Rabbit K: Bazzman? Bazzman, this is base. BAZZMAN! Sir, he's gone. They're all gone.
Starlight: What in blazes? Send the tupperware fighter squad to get an aerial image of the Garage.
Rabbit K: Will do, sir. Fighter squad, come in Fighter Squad.
Dark Mark: Yellow? Oh, just finishing my Pot noodle.
Rabbit K: Yes, quite. Anyway, you have orders. Go and take aerial photos of the garage, and report back to base a.s.a.p.
Dark Mark: Yeah, hang on. Just stirring the hot water in now.
Rabbit K: Mark!
Mark: Ok, Ok, I'll only eat half.
Rabbit K: MARK!
Mark: Pish, didn't want it anyway.
And so He baggered off to his Tupperware container, and clambered inside. He signaled to Cyclone that they were to take off immediately. And amazingly, they did! They soon approached the garage, considering it was only 20 feet away, and snapped away. Suddenly, a blue bolt came from inside the garage, and hit Cyclone's box.
Cyclone: ARGH, Nooooo! Mark; tell my kids I love 'em.
Mark: You have no Kids…
Cyclone: And tell Marie that yes, I would go to the prom with her.
Mark: Cyclone, just eject for Christ sake.
Cyclone: Oh yeah.
He pressed the Big, red button, and bang! He flew out and within minutes, had landed on the porch of the house.
Mark: Muppet, absolute Muppet.
When Mark landed back at base, Cyclone wandered over and had a word.
Cyclone: Er, mark, let's, er, forget we ever said anything up there, yeah?
Mark: Ohhhhhh, Marieeeee!
Cyclone: You, you, fiend!
Mark: Fiend! AHAHA! No, you're a ruffian!
Cyclone: Ssh, you pittance. Are you Squiffy?
Starlight: Enough of the old fart talk, do you have those photos for me?
Mark: Yeah, right here. I'll go get them developed.
Starlight: Good, bring them to the emergency meeting in 5 mins.
Mark: Yes sir.
When Mark developed them, he proceeded to the cupboard above the sink, and handed the photos to Starlight.
Starlight: Men, I've assembled you here today to tell you the news. There is a war. We know who are enemy is, and we are scared, I'm wetting my pants! Hang on, who swapped my speech notes?
Posh Kid: *Giggles* Heh, you wet your pants!
Starlight: I knew it would have been you! Anyway, as the photos suggest, it is a garage. And it does have a roof. Oh yeah, the notes were swapped. Erm. Anyway. Intel suggests are foe is none other than Flux and his Fluxating Army!
Posh Kid: Oh Fluxck!
Starlight: How rude, yet clever usage of swear words there.
Posh kid: Swearing? Me? Never!
Starlight: But, it was, and it suggested, ah, never mind. Anyway, we must assemble our crabs and get ready to fight off my grandma! You switched my notes again!
Posh Kid: Heh, yes. *giggles*
Starlight: I have a good right to kick you out of the Kitchen Army for good!
Posh Kid: Sorry, sir.
Starlight: I should think so. Anyway, we move out at 0600 hours tomorrow. Any questions?
Quinty: Early, again?
Starlight: Yes, I'm sorry. Just don't wake me up when you send the tanks over the gravel on the drive.
Quinty: Alright for some!
Starlight: Erm, anyway. Men, fallout.
They all left and headed back to their bunks. The talk of the evening was on tomorrow.
Time_Warp (Sam): How many monkeys are you betting on in tomorrow's race?
*Ed*- No, not that. The other thing happening tomorrow.
Sam: oh yes, right. Anyway, I hope things don't get too messy out there.
Cyclone: Yeah, 'twould be a terrible shame if we lost as many men as last time.
Auf Deutsch (Aufie): Yeah, and I had better not get a rash in my butt again!
Quinty: I remember that! We were legging it across the Living room, eh Chips?
Chips: yeah, friggin' DW army, and all that "Goben DW" stuff. Right, night all.
And off they drifted to sleep. When they would wake, it wouldn’t be as easy as they had planned…
Starlight: EVERYONE, GET UP, NOW!
Reluctantly, everyone staggered to his feet, and wiped the sleep from his eyes.
Starlight: No, not just him, everyone!
Everyone: I really had better get my name changed…
Starlight: No time for talk! Flux has had his troops gather outside the garage, and Intel suggests that it's an army like no other.
Phil: What’s so different? They have Melons, yes? MELONS! THINK OF THE MELONS!
Starlight: You really had better get that checked Phil. And no, they don't have melons. They've enlisted the help of the Garden Gnomes.
Quinty: It's funny, they bear a slight resemblance to HHAT!
HalloHowArtThou (HHAT): Ssh, you!
AJ: I'm back, sir.
Starlight: Ah, AJ. Just the man we need. You're needed with the Sniper elite division. Chips says he needs the support.
Chips: Yeah, we do. How was your holiday?
AJ: Different. I always wanted to know the cultures of next door, and it was certainly different. Right, we had better get moving, the gnomes look hungry.
Quinty: Indeed. Ok guys, move out!
Quinty was the head of operations and movement in the Sniper elite (SE). Phil was chief Melon shooter, er, I mean, comm's expert, AJ gave the best support a division could ask for, and me, well, I just had good aim.
Starlight: Good luck men. *Sniff* Haven't they grown so fast?
Rabbit K: Yes, sir. Here, have a Kleenex.
Starlight: Thanks. Now, better get back up to the radio room. I need to give out instructions.
A few minutes later, the whole Kitchen Army were nearing the Garage. Most were dreading this moment, but some, well, lets just say they had been waiting a long time for this moment.
RM18: Tank Division Ready!
Reddy: Yes? Oh, right, sorry. Erm, Toaster anti-air ready!
Evil Dark: Whitestripes and I are providing support from the Comms room. Quinty will relay all the messages to you all. Carry on.
Drunk Cow: Blender artillery, ready.
Sam: Infantry unit ready.
Azul: Milk bottle rocket division, ready.
Quinty: Sniper elite Baguette division, ready, and in position in the tree.
Starlight: Ok men, this is it. Good luck.
And off they went. The toaster anti-air division set themselves up under the cover of a plant pot, the blender Artillery units set themselves behind RM18's tank division, who were rapidly advancing. The Milk bottle rocket division immediately began firing upon the Flux Army, and had quite a high success rate. Everything seemed to go well, until the Gnomes appeared.
Phil: Oh my god! They have fishing rods!
Quinty: Guys, you know what to do.
AJ: Yep, aim for the, erm, 'rear end'.
Quinty: Yeah, all Gnomes are modest. Hit them where it hurts their pride.
And so they did. After ten minutes, they had already disabled the majority of the Gnomes. A small Flux infantry unit broke away and began running towards Sam's Infantry force. They engaged in battle, guns firing, teeth clenched, Maddmun letting off the occasional fart.
Gerbil Man: Die Kitchen army! We will take over the House!
Aufie: Never! Remember, we can't die!
Maverick: No, but your milk bottle rocket division can. They haven't had the serum.
Quinty: Milk bottle division, we've had strict orders for you to get out of there, right now.
Azul: We can handle it.
Quinty: No, get out NOW!
Azul: NO! It's too late! You fiend! Get away! NOOOO!
A large BOOM was heard, it echoed around the driveway.
Quinty: Stupid fool. Should have got out while he had the chance.
Foreman: Ellis, get ready to flank their Tank division.
Ellis: That RM18 won't stand a chance.
RM18: Aha, but you’re wrong. I'm steady and consistent!
Ellis: oh yeah, bagger. We forgot. How could we forget?
Faster Master Blaster: I don't know, but I'm out of here.
The Flux army began retreating.
Quinty: Sir, do it now!
Starlight: Ok. Mark, Cyclone, you ready?
Mark: Mmm Cup-a-soup extra. Oh, the bombing, yeah, I'm ready.
They both clambered into their modified Tupperware fighter planes, now equipped with Hot Sauce Napalm bombs, and took off. When they reached the Garage, they dropped their load (Snigger!)
Mark: Direct hit. Garage is on fire. Repeat, Garage is on fire.
Starlight: Excellent. Troops, well fought. Return back to base.
Everyone returned home. They were thankful that there weren't too many losses, and that the Kitchen would be safe again. But for just how long? We may never find out.
Thanks for reading.
Chips.
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No-one read my spoof :(
excellent post..well worth a gad
Well, your name does certainly look different Calum! :D
Cheers though. :D
Cheers though. :D
Wahey!
Excellent.
Excellent.
Cheers! :D
Nice post there, tons of excellent stuff posted today!
LOL
Great post Micro
Nice to er...see you bought up the old ar$e rash refrence :D
Great post Micro
Nice to er...see you bought up the old ar$e rash refrence :D
lol. :D I could do a whole new trilogy/series altogether.
*goes off to think*
:D
*goes off to think*
:D
Heh, that were cool. Also, it is quite a co-instidance that EATM3 has been written by Microchips. Ahem.
Steady and Consistent? *shudders*
:D
Delivered as usual, Chipsy. How about you do a Star Wars and do a trilogy of 'Behind the Microwave' prequels?
:D
Delivered as usual, Chipsy. How about you do a Star Wars and do a trilogy of 'Behind the Microwave' prequels?
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