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ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
January 7
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I’m so late!
Goatboy looks v. annoyed. Will tempt him with work.
Didn’t work, earned stiff rebuke. Will kill him soon.
Now I have to go to Ant’s birthday bash. Will be smug Ant with smug long legged girlfriend. Smug Grix with smug post grad students talking about stars. Rasta might turn up. Note: Send Gamecube Christmas card.
Rasta turned up. Seems to have had tiff with Gamecube. Has still brought it with him, though. Set up in lounge – disturb on pain of death. He has beer. I want beer. How long is a decent amount of time for a man and his Cube?
Rasta and Gamecube reunited. Seem happy enough. Might send joint Christmas card. I have beer. Grix is trying to set me up with old school friend – Iguana. She is nice enough, very opinionated. Will avoid in future.
January 8
Muahahaha. Mystique was definitely flirting today. Asked if I would consider taking her to one of these parties that make me so late. What to say? Must ring Rasta.
“ Sod off, I’m playing Galleon.”
Cancel Christmas card to Gamecube. Is stealing my friend and ruining my life. Ring Ant.
“ Fun her. Fun her lots.” Ant is sage of wisdom. Will take his advice. Note: Definitely not gay.
YES! Date with Mystique. Dinner at eight tomorrow. Will go and chat to Ant.
Shuzza…….very drun’….fudabuzz..
January 9
Alcohol Units (Don’t know, possibly 546)
KFC (2 Popcorn Chicken, Crispy Strips and a bucket. V.depressed, allowed)
Huzzah! Tonight is the night! Have to go to film premiere first and write stuff. See Iguana there. Ignore her completely. Good plan. I am master of suave. Will seduce Mystique with my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
Pop into a science lab to see Grix. Everyone looking intellectual. Run away.
Ring Mystique. She cancels, claiming meeting. World is at an end. Have lost everything. Go down to pub with Rasta, who seems happy. Maybe he has proposed to Gamecube. Wedding bells? Will ignore for now. Get plastered. Spend evening sitting outside flat with Grix and Rasta.
January 10
Will never drink again, head is definitely splitting apart. Turn up for work and ignore Mystique. Seems to work, she strokes my hair at one point. Goatboy looks disapproving poss gay? Will look into. Well, not look into. Keep well away and stare at Mystique while pretending to review Ali.
To Do: Buy food and beer
Christmas present for Rasta – Poss Gamecube game? Probably has all.
Not To Do: Stare at Mystique and phone her. Will pursue other woman.
Eat more cheese.
Have called Mum. Still thinks I am not a journalist.
To Do: Get clinic for Mum.
Have ignored Mystique for most of day. Goatboy has sent me a quote for next next article – “ I bend with the wind.” Def gay.
January 11
Alcohol Units: 2 (Disappointing, must work harder)
Continued ignoring phase. Seems to still be working. E-mail from Mystique. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Read it. Aha! Success! Date for the 13th. Must forget unlucky significance.
Goatboy seems annoyed again, probably because I haven’t written his article. Must look for signs of him being gay.
Goatboy even more annoyed. Came to chat to me. I looked for limp wrists. None evident.
Goatboy severely annoyed. May lose job. Not good.
Thankfully still in job, but Goatboy very annoyed. Will have to review tonight and not go out on pub crawl with the lads. Damn.
January 12
Sobbing call from Rasta. His Gamecube refuses to work. Rasta believes it is sulking.
“ I’m getting withdrawal systems!” he wailed.
I put phone down.
To Do: Put Rasta in clinic with Mum. Ban Gamecube. Poss give PS2 to Rasta as healthy alternative.
January 13
Alcohol Units: 6
Date with Mystique. Looking forward to very much. Will not sleep with her just yet, if she can resist my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
January 14
Alcohol Units: 8
Well, she couldn’t resist my manly charms, and I couldn’t resist her feminine charms. Still, most satisfactory. Poss new bounce in step. So happy I buy PS2 for Rasta. Seems delighted. Apparently Gamecube has left him. I looked around and found it under the sofa. Showed it to him. Rasta pretends to ignore Gamecube, and makes big show of settling in the PS2.
Down pub with Grix and Rasta. Ant is obviously doing boyfriend stuff. Rasta has dumped Gamecube for PS2. Still seems pleased. Will observe.
January 15
Saw Mystique. Smiled. She smiled. Must mean love. Will not start planning wedding just yet. Will leave that until next week.
January 16
Alcohol Units: 7
Pub chat with Rasta and Ant. Rasta proclaims the PS2 was a fling and claims to be happily back with Gamecube. Poss Console Conflict Syndrone? Will put Grix on it, he has degrees and stuff. Am worried about Ant, seems to be losing interest in girlfriend. She has long legs, what is the problem?
January 17
Sod off. Hungover. Alcohol is bad and I shall never drink again.
January 18
Alcohol Units: 12 (Will start teetotalism first thing Friday)
Work was strange. Mystique asked me out on date again, but before I could answer got phone call. Invited to parents for party. Said no. Am leaving for party tomorrow. Sigh, persuasive parents.
Went to pub, swearing only to buy orange juice. Met Ant and Rasta. Ant claims long-legged girlfriend, who I shall nickname "BigBreast" is joining us. Rasta proclaims that she isn't joining him, and sods off. Poss conflict with other woman, Gamecube/Ps2? Will put Grix on it. Call Grix, who tells me Rasta is just having difficulties with Gamecube. Probably jealous of Ps2. I leave Ant with Bigbreast and go to visit Rasta.
" Sod off, I'm playing Super Smash Bros Melee."
Leave smiling. All is fine. Bedroom light is on, Gamecube must be in there.
January 19
Alcohol Units: 0 (Aren't I the sportsman!)
Gah! Arrived at parents only to find that Iguana was there with her parents.
" You're a postman, aren't you Alan?" remarks Iguana.
" No, I work in film." I reply, puzzled.
Must be Mum again. Will contact men in white coats. Maybe they can do something, like exchange her for a newer model. Chat to Iguana for a bit, and decide we utterly hate each other.
January 20
Moan to Ant and Grix about Iguana. They exchange the Look. I hate the Look. It has meaning. Must make Look illegal. Rasta turns up late. Gamecube issues, he said. I try to establish the Look with Grix. He is having none of it.Perhaps Grix believes Gamecube and Rasta are meant for each other? Rasta has poss replaced sex with gaming. Seems smug. Met Iguana at a late night film showing of Ali. Tried to ignore her, but had to take last two seats in cinema. Chatted briefly. I want to CRUCIFY her! Will see if Rasta will kill her for me in exchange for new Gamecube game. Definite possibility.
January 21
EXCITEMENT! Not only have a got my hands on Rasta's Gamecube without him noticing, but Mystique has asked me out! I'm taking her to meet my friends tomorrow, if I'm still alive. Will send ransom note to Rasta.
January 22
Alcohol Units: (Who knows? Maybe the Pixie.)
Well, the date started off badly. Rasta found his Gamecube under my bed, and proceeded to beat me with it. He then spent half an hour talking to it in a soothing tone. Poss mad? We met up with Ant and Grix down the pub. Ant had brought BigBreast, Grix had brought no-one. Rasta considers him and Gamecube to be couple, so laughed at Grix for being single. BigBreast and Mystique are deadly rivals from the newspaper world, apparently. Something to do with red tape and big media men fiddling with knobs. Anyway, proceeded to get very very drunk. Might have kissed Rasta, will get Grix to prove this wrong, somehow. Ended up in bed, hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Considering possibility that I may be a sex god. Probably not.
January 23
Alcohol Units: 14 (Needed to kill pain.)
NOOOOOOOO! Was so drunk that me and Ant appear to have swopped partners. I woke up in bed with BigBreast (not that I'm complaining.) Must be thankful that I didn't wake up with Rasta's partner. Would be sharp. Don't think about it. Do think about Mystique and Ant. BigBreast leaves hurridely, dispelling my sex god images. Damn. Go round to Rasta's to confess.
" Couldn't care less mate. Pikmin arrived today. Sod off."
Well, that was helpful. Went down pub on OWN to get very drunk, as alcohol is answer to all woes. Met Ant there, who obviously had the same idea. We looked at each other, and decided a fight would solve all the world's ills. Well, no, but I'd make us feel much better. Got punched and thrown through a door. But it was a thin door. Ice didn't help.
January 24
Chatted to Grix at Oxford University.
" You alright mate? You look like you've been thrown through a quite thin door."
Obviously he had been chatting to Ant. He told me that Ant didn't sleep with Mystique two nights ago. Good.He then told me Ant slept with Mystique last night. Less good.
To Do : Become a monk
Seduce Rasta's Gamecube.
Not to Do: Ever say anything ever again ever.
January 25
Groan. Have developed quite large bruise that might damage my potent sexual allure to Mystique. Assuming she isn't in love with Ant. Which she is. So it doesn't matter.
To Do: Consider becoming gay.
January 26
Alcohol Units: Wha? Alcohol? Oh. Many.
Grix, the sage, that he is, arranged a meeting between me and Ant at the pub. BigBreast and Mystique nowhere to be seen. Secretly suspect that Ant is hording women, in preperation for nuclear disaster or old age. Will investigate. Rasta was there too, looking sheepish and leafing through a magazine with pictures of GameCubes. Nintendo porn? Don't think, another beer. Ant thre we threw a slightly thicker door. Damn these foreign thick door imports, ruining our natural thin door manufacturing system. Perhaps will buy Ant his own set of BigBreasts. More beer will sort it out. Walking home with Grix when BigBreast appears. Asks if I want to have sex. Private conversation with Grix.
"It's only sex, mate. and Ant is your friend."
Listen to Grix's advice, and decide he is utterly wrong, mad, and probably gay too. It's only sex? Pah.
January 27
Work today, Mystique was giving me strange looks. Perhaps my new and improved sex life is giving off signs that I am read to become a stud. Confided in Rasta about this. He proceeded to laugh at me and get some beer. You can never have beer. God said that, I think. Thou shalt always have more beer. Said it to Jesus, I think. Anyway, looked at Rasta's book. Shock! "The Cuba Sutra!" Apparently it includes new "moves" like the Three Way Stick and the Shigsy ShagWagon. I show this to Rasta, who looks sheepish. Apparently his Gamecube wants it's sexlife improving. I don't even ask. Rasta seems happy with the green dominatrix console. My Ps2 lies forgotten, just another one-game stand for Rasta the Console Stud. Rasta ignores me and laughs at me again for thinking I'm a stud. I proceed to hit him and throw his Gamecube at him. Seems devestated. Will leave.
January 28
Unexpected development at work today. New boss, as Goatboy was apparently attacked and beaten by a midget with a beard and cosh. BUT the new boss of department is Iguana. Help, I might attract her to me with my manly charms. I wish. No, I don't wish. Damn, I wish I had a Cuba Sutra. Proceed to ignore Iguana for the entire day. Stryke appears with celebrity gossip that Arnie has been cast in Terminator 2. I think the lad must be disturbed. Will ask Grix to look at him. BigBreast turns up at my door. I look forward to a night of sex, Alan style. Maybe she'll want to try the Shigsy ShagWagon. But alas, all she was interested in was my Terry's Chocolate Orange, and then she left, out of my life forever.
To Do: Make new life as hermit in en-suite cave.
Never think of BigBreast ever again ever. Damn.
Not to Do: Be tempted to the way of Cuba Sutra.
Think I'm a stud
Be thrown through door, thick,thin or middling.
January 29
Damn, have woken up in empty bed with only strangely misformed cushion to comfort me. Hmm. Wander out into lounge where Rasta is sat, trying to perform a strange action on his Gamecube. I ask him what he is doing.
" She asked me to push her button."
Sigh. Perhaps I need to speak to Rasta's mother. Presuming he has one, or hasn't sold her for black leather money. This reminds me. Rasta has covered his Gamecube in black leather. I actually chortled when I saw this. Rasta yet again seems pleased. Will leave it at that.
Went into work, to confront a moaning Iguana, something that should not be beheld at 8:30 without strong coffee and a chasity belt. She wants we to review Vanilla Sky. I do not want to review Vanilla Sky. Mystique tells me to review Vanilla Sky, or I'm sacked. I review Vanilla Sky, but I don't feel very happy about it, so my rebel Scottish image is not tarnished. I may have a kilt somewhere, if Rasta hasn't scrounged it for a bizarre sex toy.
January 30
Alcohol Units: More, please.
As always, I go down pub with Rasta, Grix and Gamecube. Not sure what the Gamecube is doing there, she doesn't drink anything and has damn few conversation skills. Still, Rasta seems to engage her in ways I'd rather not know. Anyway, we met Ant, with his new Mystique shaped scarf drooped around his shoulders. Pitiful. I'm aloof, not at all jealous and not noticing Mystique's breasts. Damn, will not notice Mystique's breasts in future. Damn. Grix, the philosopher, gives me more sage advice.
" Ant is funning her, you've funned BigBreast. Correct?"
I believe this to be vaguely true, although BigBreast has disappeared, possibly to some BigBreast research lab.
" You have funned Mystique. Ant has funned BigBreast. It's all down to the maths. You fun Ant!"
Rasta laughed and split his drink over the black leather Gamecube.
" Grix...I have to ask you this. Are you gay?"
This proceeded to a circuit of events, in which Ant assisted Grix in throwing me through a series of doors, some thin, some...not. Pint of gin did not help.
January 31
Thank god it's a weekend. I need to get rid of this hangover, that might have permanently moved into my brain and set up home. Stagger out into living room about 2ish and, as always, confront Rasta on Gamecube. But Grix is with him. Poss. perfecting the Three Way Stick? I don't notice the Cuba Sutra about, but it could be hidden in Grix's hair. I resist the temptation to search. Ask Grix why he was here.
"Selling Rasta some weed."
I was shocked at this. I thought Rasta grew his own weed. What else is the roof for?
"Only joking. I cam to apologise. I'm not gay, by the way. But I thought you might be."
WHAT? I was very enraged at this. My kitchen has a thin door, after all. Door + Grix = :-D. But I didn't. Because I have a good sense of moral duty. NOT because Grix is half a foot taller than me.
To Do: Print and hand-out leaflets saying I'm not gay.
Print and hand-out leaflets saying Grix IS gay.
Despair is Rasta will ever become straight or gay. He's invented a new sexuality, by the look of it. Seems pleased.
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
January 7
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I’m so late!
Goatboy looks v. annoyed. Will tempt him with work.
Didn’t work, earned stiff rebuke. Will kill him soon.
Now I have to go to Ant’s birthday bash. Will be smug Ant with smug long legged girlfriend. Smug Grix with smug post grad students talking about stars. Rasta might turn up. Note: Send Gamecube Christmas card.
Rasta turned up. Seems to have had tiff with Gamecube. Has still brought it with him, though. Set up in lounge – disturb on pain of death. He has beer. I want beer. How long is a decent amount of time for a man and his Cube?
Rasta and Gamecube reunited. Seem happy enough. Might send joint Christmas card. I have beer. Grix is trying to set me up with old school friend – Iguana. She is nice enough, very opinionated. Will avoid in future.
January 8
Muahahaha. Mystique was definitely flirting today. Asked if I would consider taking her to one of these parties that make me so late. What to say? Must ring Rasta.
“ Sod off, I’m playing Galleon.”
Cancel Christmas card to Gamecube. Is stealing my friend and ruining my life. Ring Ant.
“ Fun her. Fun her lots.” Ant is sage of wisdom. Will take his advice. Note: Definitely not gay.
YES! Date with Mystique. Dinner at eight tomorrow. Will go and chat to Ant.
Shuzza…….very drun’….fudabuzz..
January 9
Alcohol Units (Don’t know, possibly 546)
KFC (2 Popcorn Chicken, Crispy Strips and a bucket. V.depressed, allowed)
Huzzah! Tonight is the night! Have to go to film premiere first and write stuff. See Iguana there. Ignore her completely. Good plan. I am master of suave. Will seduce Mystique with my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
Pop into a science lab to see Grix. Everyone looking intellectual. Run away.
Ring Mystique. She cancels, claiming meeting. World is at an end. Have lost everything. Go down to pub with Rasta, who seems happy. Maybe he has proposed to Gamecube. Wedding bells? Will ignore for now. Get plastered. Spend evening sitting outside flat with Grix and Rasta.
January 10
Will never drink again, head is definitely splitting apart. Turn up for work and ignore Mystique. Seems to work, she strokes my hair at one point. Goatboy looks disapproving poss gay? Will look into. Well, not look into. Keep well away and stare at Mystique while pretending to review Ali.
To Do: Buy food and beer
Christmas present for Rasta – Poss Gamecube game? Probably has all.
Not To Do: Stare at Mystique and phone her. Will pursue other woman.
Eat more cheese.
Have called Mum. Still thinks I am not a journalist.
To Do: Get clinic for Mum.
Have ignored Mystique for most of day. Goatboy has sent me a quote for next next article – “ I bend with the wind.” Def gay.
January 11
Alcohol Units: 2 (Disappointing, must work harder)
Continued ignoring phase. Seems to still be working. E-mail from Mystique. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Read it. Aha! Success! Date for the 13th. Must forget unlucky significance.
Goatboy seems annoyed again, probably because I haven’t written his article. Must look for signs of him being gay.
Goatboy even more annoyed. Came to chat to me. I looked for limp wrists. None evident.
Goatboy severely annoyed. May lose job. Not good.
Thankfully still in job, but Goatboy very annoyed. Will have to review tonight and not go out on pub crawl with the lads. Damn.
January 12
Sobbing call from Rasta. His Gamecube refuses to work. Rasta believes it is sulking.
“ I’m getting withdrawal systems!” he wailed.
I put phone down.
To Do: Put Rasta in clinic with Mum. Ban Gamecube. Poss give PS2 to Rasta as healthy alternative.
January 13
Alcohol Units: 6
Date with Mystique. Looking forward to very much. Will not sleep with her just yet, if she can resist my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
January 14
Alcohol Units: 8
Well, she couldn’t resist my manly charms, and I couldn’t resist her feminine charms. Still, most satisfactory. Poss new bounce in step. So happy I buy PS2 for Rasta. Seems delighted. Apparently Gamecube has left him. I looked around and found it under the sofa. Showed it to him. Rasta pretends to ignore Gamecube, and makes big show of settling in the PS2.
Down pub with Grix and Rasta. Ant is obviously doing boyfriend stuff. Rasta has dumped Gamecube for PS2. Still seems pleased. Will observe.
January 15
Saw Mystique. Smiled. She smiled. Must mean love. Will not start planning wedding just yet. Will leave that until next week.
January 16
Alcohol Units: 7
Pub chat with Rasta and Ant. Rasta proclaims the PS2 was a fling and claims to be happily back with Gamecube. Poss Console Conflict Syndrone? Will put Grix on it, he has degrees and stuff. Am worried about Ant, seems to be losing interest in girlfriend. She has long legs, what is the problem?
January 17
Sod off. Hungover. Alcohol is bad and I shall never drink again.
January 18
Alcohol Units: 12 (Will start teetotalism first thing Friday)
Work was strange. Mystique asked me out on date again, but before I could answer got phone call. Invited to parents for party. Said no. Am leaving for party tomorrow. Sigh, persuasive parents.
Went to pub, swearing only to buy orange juice. Met Ant and Rasta. Ant claims long-legged girlfriend, who I shall nickname "BigBreast" is joining us. Rasta proclaims that she isn't joining him, and sods off. Poss conflict with other woman, Gamecube/Ps2? Will put Grix on it. Call Grix, who tells me Rasta is just having difficulties with Gamecube. Probably jealous of Ps2. I leave Ant with Bigbreast and go to visit Rasta.
" Sod off, I'm playing Super Smash Bros Melee."
Leave smiling. All is fine. Bedroom light is on, Gamecube must be in there.
January 19
Alcohol Units: 0 (Aren't I the sportsman!)
Gah! Arrived at parents only to find that Iguana was there with her parents.
" You're a postman, aren't you Alan?" remarks Iguana.
" No, I work in film." I reply, puzzled.
Must be Mum again. Will contact men in white coats. Maybe they can do something, like exchange her for a newer model. Chat to Iguana for a bit, and decide we utterly hate each other.
January 20
Moan to Ant and Grix about Iguana. They exchange the Look. I hate the Look. It has meaning. Must make Look illegal. Rasta turns up late. Gamecube issues, he said. I try to establish the Look with Grix. He is having none of it.Perhaps Grix believes Gamecube and Rasta are meant for each other? Rasta has poss replaced sex with gaming. Seems smug. Met Iguana at a late night film showing of Ali. Tried to ignore her, but had to take last two seats in cinema. Chatted briefly. I want to CRUCIFY her! Will see if Rasta will kill her for me in exchange for new Gamecube game. Definite possibility.
January 21
EXCITEMENT! Not only have a got my hands on Rasta's Gamecube without him noticing, but Mystique has asked me out! I'm taking her to meet my friends tomorrow, if I'm still alive. Will send ransom note to Rasta.
January 22
Alcohol Units: (Who knows? Maybe the Pixie.)
Well, the date started off badly. Rasta found his Gamecube under my bed, and proceeded to beat me with it. He then spent half an hour talking to it in a soothing tone. Poss mad? We met up with Ant and Grix down the pub. Ant had brought BigBreast, Grix had brought no-one. Rasta considers him and Gamecube to be couple, so laughed at Grix for being single. BigBreast and Mystique are deadly rivals from the newspaper world, apparently. Something to do with red tape and big media men fiddling with knobs. Anyway, proceeded to get very very drunk. Might have kissed Rasta, will get Grix to prove this wrong, somehow. Ended up in bed, hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Considering possibility that I may be a sex god. Probably not.
January 23
Alcohol Units: 14 (Needed to kill pain.)
NOOOOOOOO! Was so drunk that me and Ant appear to have swopped partners. I woke up in bed with BigBreast (not that I'm complaining.) Must be thankful that I didn't wake up with Rasta's partner. Would be sharp. Don't think about it. Do think about Mystique and Ant. BigBreast leaves hurridely, dispelling my sex god images. Damn. Go round to Rasta's to confess.
" Couldn't care less mate. Pikmin arrived today. Sod off."
Well, that was helpful. Went down pub on OWN to get very drunk, as alcohol is answer to all woes. Met Ant there, who obviously had the same idea. We looked at each other, and decided a fight would solve all the world's ills. Well, no, but I'd make us feel much better. Got punched and thrown through a door. But it was a thin door. Ice didn't help.
January 24
Chatted to Grix at Oxford University.
" You alright mate? You look like you've been thrown through a quite thin door."
Obviously he had been chatting to Ant. He told me that Ant didn't sleep with Mystique two nights ago. Good.He then told me Ant slept with Mystique last night. Less good.
To Do : Become a monk
Seduce Rasta's Gamecube.
Not to Do: Ever say anything ever again ever.
January 25
Groan. Have developed quite large bruise that might damage my potent sexual allure to Mystique. Assuming she isn't in love with Ant. Which she is. So it doesn't matter.
To Do: Consider becoming gay.
January 26
Alcohol Units: Wha? Alcohol? Oh. Many.
Grix, the sage, that he is, arranged a meeting between me and Ant at the pub. BigBreast and Mystique nowhere to be seen. Secretly suspect that Ant is hording women, in preperation for nuclear disaster or old age. Will investigate. Rasta was there too, looking sheepish and leafing through a magazine with pictures of GameCubes. Nintendo porn? Don't think, another beer. Ant thre we threw a slightly thicker door. Damn these foreign thick door imports, ruining our natural thin door manufacturing system. Perhaps will buy Ant his own set of BigBreasts. More beer will sort it out. Walking home with Grix when BigBreast appears. Asks if I want to have sex. Private conversation with Grix.
"It's only sex, mate. and Ant is your friend."
Listen to Grix's advice, and decide he is utterly wrong, mad, and probably gay too. It's only sex? Pah.
January 27
Work today, Mystique was giving me strange looks. Perhaps my new and improved sex life is giving off signs that I am read to become a stud. Confided in Rasta about this. He proceeded to laugh at me and get some beer. You can never have beer. God said that, I think. Thou shalt always have more beer. Said it to Jesus, I think. Anyway, looked at Rasta's book. Shock! "The Cuba Sutra!" Apparently it includes new "moves" like the Three Way Stick and the Shigsy ShagWagon. I show this to Rasta, who looks sheepish. Apparently his Gamecube wants it's sexlife improving. I don't even ask. Rasta seems happy with the green dominatrix console. My Ps2 lies forgotten, just another one-game stand for Rasta the Console Stud. Rasta ignores me and laughs at me again for thinking I'm a stud. I proceed to hit him and throw his Gamecube at him. Seems devestated. Will leave.
January 28
Unexpected development at work today. New boss, as Goatboy was apparently attacked and beaten by a midget with a beard and cosh. BUT the new boss of department is Iguana. Help, I might attract her to me with my manly charms. I wish. No, I don't wish. Damn, I wish I had a Cuba Sutra. Proceed to ignore Iguana for the entire day. Stryke appears with celebrity gossip that Arnie has been cast in Terminator 2. I think the lad must be disturbed. Will ask Grix to look at him. BigBreast turns up at my door. I look forward to a night of sex, Alan style. Maybe she'll want to try the Shigsy ShagWagon. But alas, all she was interested in was my Terry's Chocolate Orange, and then she left, out of my life forever.
To Do: Make new life as hermit in en-suite cave.
Never think of BigBreast ever again ever. Damn.
Not to Do: Be tempted to the way of Cuba Sutra.
Think I'm a stud
Be thrown through door, thick,thin or middling.
January 29
Damn, have woken up in empty bed with only strangely misformed cushion to comfort me. Hmm. Wander out into lounge where Rasta is sat, trying to perform a strange action on his Gamecube. I ask him what he is doing.
" She asked me to push her button."
Sigh. Perhaps I need to speak to Rasta's mother. Presuming he has one, or hasn't sold her for black leather money. This reminds me. Rasta has covered his Gamecube in black leather. I actually chortled when I saw this. Rasta yet again seems pleased. Will leave it at that.
Went into work, to confront a moaning Iguana, something that should not be beheld at 8:30 without strong coffee and a chasity belt. She wants we to review Vanilla Sky. I do not want to review Vanilla Sky. Mystique tells me to review Vanilla Sky, or I'm sacked. I review Vanilla Sky, but I don't feel very happy about it, so my rebel Scottish image is not tarnished. I may have a kilt somewhere, if Rasta hasn't scrounged it for a bizarre sex toy.
January 30
Alcohol Units: More, please.
As always, I go down pub with Rasta, Grix and Gamecube. Not sure what the Gamecube is doing there, she doesn't drink anything and has damn few conversation skills. Still, Rasta seems to engage her in ways I'd rather not know. Anyway, we met Ant, with his new Mystique shaped scarf drooped around his shoulders. Pitiful. I'm aloof, not at all jealous and not noticing Mystique's breasts. Damn, will not notice Mystique's breasts in future. Damn. Grix, the philosopher, gives me more sage advice.
" Ant is funning her, you've funned BigBreast. Correct?"
I believe this to be vaguely true, although BigBreast has disappeared, possibly to some BigBreast research lab.
" You have funned Mystique. Ant has funned BigBreast. It's all down to the maths. You fun Ant!"
Rasta laughed and split his drink over the black leather Gamecube.
" Grix...I have to ask you this. Are you gay?"
This proceeded to a circuit of events, in which Ant assisted Grix in throwing me through a series of doors, some thin, some...not. Pint of gin did not help.
January 31
Thank god it's a weekend. I need to get rid of this hangover, that might have permanently moved into my brain and set up home. Stagger out into living room about 2ish and, as always, confront Rasta on Gamecube. But Grix is with him. Poss. perfecting the Three Way Stick? I don't notice the Cuba Sutra about, but it could be hidden in Grix's hair. I resist the temptation to search. Ask Grix why he was here.
"Selling Rasta some weed."
I was shocked at this. I thought Rasta grew his own weed. What else is the roof for?
"Only joking. I cam to apologise. I'm not gay, by the way. But I thought you might be."
WHAT? I was very enraged at this. My kitchen has a thin door, after all. Door + Grix = :-D. But I didn't. Because I have a good sense of moral duty. NOT because Grix is half a foot taller than me.
To Do: Print and hand-out leaflets saying I'm not gay.
Print and hand-out leaflets saying Grix IS gay.
Despair is Rasta will ever become straight or gay. He's invented a new sexuality, by the look of it. Seems pleased.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
January 7
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I’m so late!
Goatboy looks v. annoyed. Will tempt him with work.
Didn’t work, earned stiff rebuke. Will kill him soon.
Now I have to go to Ant’s birthday bash. Will be smug Ant with smug long legged girlfriend. Smug Grix with smug post grad students talking about stars. Rasta might turn up. Note: Send Gamecube Christmas card.
Rasta turned up. Seems to have had tiff with Gamecube. Has still brought it with him, though. Set up in lounge – disturb on pain of death. He has beer. I want beer. How long is a decent amount of time for a man and his Cube?
Rasta and Gamecube reunited. Seem happy enough. Might send joint Christmas card. I have beer. Grix is trying to set me up with old school friend – Iguana. She is nice enough, very opinionated. Will avoid in future.
January 8
Muahahaha. Mystique was definitely flirting today. Asked if I would consider taking her to one of these parties that make me so late. What to say? Must ring Rasta.
“ Sod off, I’m playing Galleon.”
Cancel Christmas card to Gamecube. Is stealing my friend and ruining my life. Ring Ant.
“ Fun her. Fun her lots.” Ant is sage of wisdom. Will take his advice. Note: Definitely not gay.
YES! Date with Mystique. Dinner at eight tomorrow. Will go and chat to Ant.
Shuzza…….very drun’….fudabuzz..
January 9
Alcohol Units (Don’t know, possibly 546)
KFC (2 Popcorn Chicken, Crispy Strips and a bucket. V.depressed, allowed)
Huzzah! Tonight is the night! Have to go to film premiere first and write stuff. See Iguana there. Ignore her completely. Good plan. I am master of suave. Will seduce Mystique with my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
Pop into a science lab to see Grix. Everyone looking intellectual. Run away.
Ring Mystique. She cancels, claiming meeting. World is at an end. Have lost everything. Go down to pub with Rasta, who seems happy. Maybe he has proposed to Gamecube. Wedding bells? Will ignore for now. Get plastered. Spend evening sitting outside flat with Grix and Rasta.
January 10
Will never drink again, head is definitely splitting apart. Turn up for work and ignore Mystique. Seems to work, she strokes my hair at one point. Goatboy looks disapproving poss gay? Will look into. Well, not look into. Keep well away and stare at Mystique while pretending to review Ali.
To Do: Buy food and beer
Christmas present for Rasta – Poss Gamecube game? Probably has all.
Not To Do: Stare at Mystique and phone her. Will pursue other woman.
Eat more cheese.
Have called Mum. Still thinks I am not a journalist.
To Do: Get clinic for Mum.
Have ignored Mystique for most of day. Goatboy has sent me a quote for next next article – “ I bend with the wind.” Def gay.
January 11
Alcohol Units: 2 (Disappointing, must work harder)
Continued ignoring phase. Seems to still be working. E-mail from Mystique. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Read it. Aha! Success! Date for the 13th. Must forget unlucky significance.
Goatboy seems annoyed again, probably because I haven’t written his article. Must look for signs of him being gay.
Goatboy even more annoyed. Came to chat to me. I looked for limp wrists. None evident.
Goatboy severely annoyed. May lose job. Not good.
Thankfully still in job, but Goatboy very annoyed. Will have to review tonight and not go out on pub crawl with the lads. Damn.
January 12
Sobbing call from Rasta. His Gamecube refuses to work. Rasta believes it is sulking.
“ I’m getting withdrawal systems!” he wailed.
I put phone down.
To Do: Put Rasta in clinic with Mum. Ban Gamecube. Poss give PS2 to Rasta as healthy alternative.
January 13
Alcohol Units: 6
Date with Mystique. Looking forward to very much. Will not sleep with her just yet, if she can resist my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
January 14
Alcohol Units: 8
Well, she couldn’t resist my manly charms, and I couldn’t resist her feminine charms. Still, most satisfactory. Poss new bounce in step. So happy I buy PS2 for Rasta. Seems delighted. Apparently Gamecube has left him. I looked around and found it under the sofa. Showed it to him. Rasta pretends to ignore Gamecube, and makes big show of settling in the PS2.
Down pub with Grix and Rasta. Ant is obviously doing boyfriend stuff. Rasta has dumped Gamecube for PS2. Still seems pleased. Will observe.
January 15
Saw Mystique. Smiled. She smiled. Must mean love. Will not start planning wedding just yet. Will leave that until next week.
January 16
Alcohol Units: 7
Pub chat with Rasta and Ant. Rasta proclaims the PS2 was a fling and claims to be happily back with Gamecube. Poss Console Conflict Syndrone? Will put Grix on it, he has degrees and stuff. Am worried about Ant, seems to be losing interest in girlfriend. She has long legs, what is the problem?
January 17
Sod off. Hungover. Alcohol is bad and I shall never drink again.
January 18
Alcohol Units: 12 (Will start teetotalism first thing Friday)
Work was strange. Mystique asked me out on date again, but before I could answer got phone call. Invited to parents for party. Said no. Am leaving for party tomorrow. Sigh, persuasive parents.
Went to pub, swearing only to buy orange juice. Met Ant and Rasta. Ant claims long-legged girlfriend, who I shall nickname "BigBreast" is joining us. Rasta proclaims that she isn't joining him, and sods off. Poss conflict with other woman, Gamecube/Ps2? Will put Grix on it. Call Grix, who tells me Rasta is just having difficulties with Gamecube. Probably jealous of Ps2. I leave Ant with Bigbreast and go to visit Rasta.
" Sod off, I'm playing Super Smash Bros Melee."
Leave smiling. All is fine. Bedroom light is on, Gamecube must be in there.
January 19
Alcohol Units: 0 (Aren't I the sportsman!)
Gah! Arrived at parents only to find that Iguana was there with her parents.
" You're a postman, aren't you Alan?" remarks Iguana.
" No, I work in film." I reply, puzzled.
Must be Mum again. Will contact men in white coats. Maybe they can do something, like exchange her for a newer model. Chat to Iguana for a bit, and decide we utterly hate each other.
January 20
Moan to Ant and Grix about Iguana. They exchange the Look. I hate the Look. It has meaning. Must make Look illegal. Rasta turns up late. Gamecube issues, he said. I try to establish the Look with Grix. He is having none of it.Perhaps Grix believes Gamecube and Rasta are meant for each other? Rasta has poss replaced sex with gaming. Seems smug. Met Iguana at a late night film showing of Ali. Tried to ignore her, but had to take last two seats in cinema. Chatted briefly. I want to CRUCIFY her! Will see if Rasta will kill her for me in exchange for new Gamecube game. Definite possibility.
January 21
EXCITEMENT! Not only have a got my hands on Rasta's Gamecube without him noticing, but Mystique has asked me out! I'm taking her to meet my friends tomorrow, if I'm still alive. Will send ransom note to Rasta.
January 22
Alcohol Units: (Who knows? Maybe the Pixie.)
Well, the date started off badly. Rasta found his Gamecube under my bed, and proceeded to beat me with it. He then spent half an hour talking to it in a soothing tone. Poss mad? We met up with Ant and Grix down the pub. Ant had brought BigBreast, Grix had brought no-one. Rasta considers him and Gamecube to be couple, so laughed at Grix for being single. BigBreast and Mystique are deadly rivals from the newspaper world, apparently. Something to do with red tape and big media men fiddling with knobs. Anyway, proceeded to get very very drunk. Might have kissed Rasta, will get Grix to prove this wrong, somehow. Ended up in bed, hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Considering possibility that I may be a sex god. Probably not.
January 23
Alcohol Units: 14 (Needed to kill pain.)
NOOOOOOOO! Was so drunk that me and Ant appear to have swopped partners. I woke up in bed with BigBreast (not that I'm complaining.) Must be thankful that I didn't wake up with Rasta's partner. Would be sharp. Don't think about it. Do think about Mystique and Ant. BigBreast leaves hurridely, dispelling my sex god images. Damn. Go round to Rasta's to confess.
" Couldn't care less mate. Pikmin arrived today. Sod off."
Well, that was helpful. Went down pub on OWN to get very drunk, as alcohol is answer to all woes. Met Ant there, who obviously had the same idea. We looked at each other, and decided a fight would solve all the world's ills. Well, no, but I'd make us feel much better. Got punched and thrown through a door. But it was a thin door. Ice didn't help.
January 24
Chatted to Grix at Oxford University.
" You alright mate? You look like you've been thrown through a quite thin door."
Obviously he had been chatting to Ant. He told me that Ant didn't sleep with Mystique two nights ago. Good.He then told me Ant slept with Mystique last night. Less good.
To Do : Become a monk
Seduce Rasta's Gamecube.
Not to Do: Ever say anything ever again ever.
January 25
Groan. Have developed quite large bruise that might damage my potent sexual allure to Mystique. Assuming she isn't in love with Ant. Which she is. So it doesn't matter.
To Do: Consider becoming gay.
January 26
Alcohol Units: Wha? Alcohol? Oh. Many.
Grix, the sage, that he is, arranged a meeting between me and Ant at the pub. BigBreast and Mystique nowhere to be seen. Secretly suspect that Ant is hording women, in preperation for nuclear disaster or old age. Will investigate. Rasta was there too, looking sheepish and leafing through a magazine with pictures of GameCubes. Nintendo porn? Don't think, another beer. Ant thre we threw a slightly thicker door. Damn these foreign thick door imports, ruining our natural thin door manufacturing system. Perhaps will buy Ant his own set of BigBreasts. More beer will sort it out. Walking home with Grix when BigBreast appears. Asks if I want to have sex. Private conversation with Grix.
"It's only sex, mate. and Ant is your friend."
Listen to Grix's advice, and decide he is utterly wrong, mad, and probably gay too. It's only sex? Pah.
January 27
Work today, Mystique was giving me strange looks. Perhaps my new and improved sex life is giving off signs that I am read to become a stud. Confided in Rasta about this. He proceeded to laugh at me and get some beer. You can never have beer. God said that, I think. Thou shalt always have more beer. Said it to Jesus, I think. Anyway, looked at Rasta's book. Shock! "The Cuba Sutra!" Apparently it includes new "moves" like the Three Way Stick and the Shigsy ShagWagon. I show this to Rasta, who looks sheepish. Apparently his Gamecube wants it's sexlife improving. I don't even ask. Rasta seems happy with the green dominatrix console. My Ps2 lies forgotten, just another one-game stand for Rasta the Console Stud. Rasta ignores me and laughs at me again for thinking I'm a stud. I proceed to hit him and throw his Gamecube at him. Seems devestated. Will leave.
January 28
Unexpected development at work today. New boss, as Goatboy was apparently attacked and beaten by a midget with a beard and cosh. BUT the new boss of department is Iguana. Help, I might attract her to me with my manly charms. I wish. No, I don't wish. Damn, I wish I had a Cuba Sutra. Proceed to ignore Iguana for the entire day. Stryke appears with celebrity gossip that Arnie has been cast in Terminator 2. I think the lad must be disturbed. Will ask Grix to look at him. BigBreast turns up at my door. I look forward to a night of sex, Alan style. Maybe she'll want to try the Shigsy ShagWagon. But alas, all she was interested in was my Terry's Chocolate Orange, and then she left, out of my life forever.
To Do: Make new life as hermit in en-suite cave.
Never think of BigBreast ever again ever. Damn.
Not to Do: Be tempted to the way of Cuba Sutra.
Think I'm a stud
Be thrown through door, thick,thin or middling.
January 29
Damn, have woken up in empty bed with only strangely misformed cushion to comfort me. Hmm. Wander out into lounge where Rasta is sat, trying to perform a strange action on his Gamecube. I ask him what he is doing.
" She asked me to push her button."
Sigh. Perhaps I need to speak to Rasta's mother. Presuming he has one, or hasn't sold her for black leather money. This reminds me. Rasta has covered his Gamecube in black leather. I actually chortled when I saw this. Rasta yet again seems pleased. Will leave it at that.
Went into work, to confront a moaning Iguana, something that should not be beheld at 8:30 without strong coffee and a chasity belt. She wants we to review Vanilla Sky. I do not want to review Vanilla Sky. Mystique tells me to review Vanilla Sky, or I'm sacked. I review Vanilla Sky, but I don't feel very happy about it, so my rebel Scottish image is not tarnished. I may have a kilt somewhere, if Rasta hasn't scrounged it for a bizarre sex toy.
January 30
Alcohol Units: More, please.
As always, I go down pub with Rasta, Grix and Gamecube. Not sure what the Gamecube is doing there, she doesn't drink anything and has damn few conversation skills. Still, Rasta seems to engage her in ways I'd rather not know. Anyway, we met Ant, with his new Mystique shaped scarf drooped around his shoulders. Pitiful. I'm aloof, not at all jealous and not noticing Mystique's breasts. Damn, will not notice Mystique's breasts in future. Damn. Grix, the philosopher, gives me more sage advice.
" Ant is funning her, you've funned BigBreast. Correct?"
I believe this to be vaguely true, although BigBreast has disappeared, possibly to some BigBreast research lab.
" You have funned Mystique. Ant has funned BigBreast. It's all down to the maths. You fun Ant!"
Rasta laughed and split his drink over the black leather Gamecube.
" Grix...I have to ask you this. Are you gay?"
This proceeded to a circuit of events, in which Ant assisted Grix in throwing me through a series of doors, some thin, some...not. Pint of gin did not help.
January 31
Thank god it's a weekend. I need to get rid of this hangover, that might have permanently moved into my brain and set up home. Stagger out into living room about 2ish and, as always, confront Rasta on Gamecube. But Grix is with him. Poss. perfecting the Three Way Stick? I don't notice the Cuba Sutra about, but it could be hidden in Grix's hair. I resist the temptation to search. Ask Grix why he was here.
"Selling Rasta some weed."
I was shocked at this. I thought Rasta grew his own weed. What else is the roof for?
"Only joking. I cam to apologise. I'm not gay, by the way. But I thought you might be."
WHAT? I was very enraged at this. My kitchen has a thin door, after all. Door + Grix = :-D. But I didn't. Because I have a good sense of moral duty. NOT because Grix is half a foot taller than me.
To Do: Print and hand-out leaflets saying I'm not gay.
Print and hand-out leaflets saying Grix IS gay.
Despair is Rasta will ever become straight or gay. He's invented a new sexuality, by the look of it. Seems pleased.
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
January 7
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I’m so late!
Goatboy looks v. annoyed. Will tempt him with work.
Didn’t work, earned stiff rebuke. Will kill him soon.
Now I have to go to Ant’s birthday bash. Will be smug Ant with smug long legged girlfriend. Smug Grix with smug post grad students talking about stars. Rasta might turn up. Note: Send Gamecube Christmas card.
Rasta turned up. Seems to have had tiff with Gamecube. Has still brought it with him, though. Set up in lounge – disturb on pain of death. He has beer. I want beer. How long is a decent amount of time for a man and his Cube?
Rasta and Gamecube reunited. Seem happy enough. Might send joint Christmas card. I have beer. Grix is trying to set me up with old school friend – Iguana. She is nice enough, very opinionated. Will avoid in future.
January 8
Muahahaha. Mystique was definitely flirting today. Asked if I would consider taking her to one of these parties that make me so late. What to say? Must ring Rasta.
“ Sod off, I’m playing Galleon.”
Cancel Christmas card to Gamecube. Is stealing my friend and ruining my life. Ring Ant.
“ Fun her. Fun her lots.” Ant is sage of wisdom. Will take his advice. Note: Definitely not gay.
YES! Date with Mystique. Dinner at eight tomorrow. Will go and chat to Ant.
Shuzza…….very drun’….fudabuzz..
January 9
Alcohol Units (Don’t know, possibly 546)
KFC (2 Popcorn Chicken, Crispy Strips and a bucket. V.depressed, allowed)
Huzzah! Tonight is the night! Have to go to film premiere first and write stuff. See Iguana there. Ignore her completely. Good plan. I am master of suave. Will seduce Mystique with my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
Pop into a science lab to see Grix. Everyone looking intellectual. Run away.
Ring Mystique. She cancels, claiming meeting. World is at an end. Have lost everything. Go down to pub with Rasta, who seems happy. Maybe he has proposed to Gamecube. Wedding bells? Will ignore for now. Get plastered. Spend evening sitting outside flat with Grix and Rasta.
January 10
Will never drink again, head is definitely splitting apart. Turn up for work and ignore Mystique. Seems to work, she strokes my hair at one point. Goatboy looks disapproving poss gay? Will look into. Well, not look into. Keep well away and stare at Mystique while pretending to review Ali.
To Do: Buy food and beer
Christmas present for Rasta – Poss Gamecube game? Probably has all.
Not To Do: Stare at Mystique and phone her. Will pursue other woman.
Eat more cheese.
Have called Mum. Still thinks I am not a journalist.
To Do: Get clinic for Mum.
Have ignored Mystique for most of day. Goatboy has sent me a quote for next next article – “ I bend with the wind.” Def gay.
January 11
Alcohol Units: 2 (Disappointing, must work harder)
Continued ignoring phase. Seems to still be working. E-mail from Mystique. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Read it. Aha! Success! Date for the 13th. Must forget unlucky significance.
Goatboy seems annoyed again, probably because I haven’t written his article. Must look for signs of him being gay.
Goatboy even more annoyed. Came to chat to me. I looked for limp wrists. None evident.
Goatboy severely annoyed. May lose job. Not good.
Thankfully still in job, but Goatboy very annoyed. Will have to review tonight and not go out on pub crawl with the lads. Damn.
January 12
Sobbing call from Rasta. His Gamecube refuses to work. Rasta believes it is sulking.
“ I’m getting withdrawal systems!” he wailed.
I put phone down.
To Do: Put Rasta in clinic with Mum. Ban Gamecube. Poss give PS2 to Rasta as healthy alternative.
January 13
Alcohol Units: 6
Date with Mystique. Looking forward to very much. Will not sleep with her just yet, if she can resist my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
January 14
Alcohol Units: 8
Well, she couldn’t resist my manly charms, and I couldn’t resist her feminine charms. Still, most satisfactory. Poss new bounce in step. So happy I buy PS2 for Rasta. Seems delighted. Apparently Gamecube has left him. I looked around and found it under the sofa. Showed it to him. Rasta pretends to ignore Gamecube, and makes big show of settling in the PS2.
Down pub with Grix and Rasta. Ant is obviously doing boyfriend stuff. Rasta has dumped Gamecube for PS2. Still seems pleased. Will observe.
January 15
Saw Mystique. Smiled. She smiled. Must mean love. Will not start planning wedding just yet. Will leave that until next week.
January 16
Alcohol Units: 7
Pub chat with Rasta and Ant. Rasta proclaims the PS2 was a fling and claims to be happily back with Gamecube. Poss Console Conflict Syndrone? Will put Grix on it, he has degrees and stuff. Am worried about Ant, seems to be losing interest in girlfriend. She has long legs, what is the problem?
January 17
Sod off. Hungover. Alcohol is bad and I shall never drink again.
January 18
Alcohol Units: 12 (Will start teetotalism first thing Friday)
Work was strange. Mystique asked me out on date again, but before I could answer got phone call. Invited to parents for party. Said no. Am leaving for party tomorrow. Sigh, persuasive parents.
Went to pub, swearing only to buy orange juice. Met Ant and Rasta. Ant claims long-legged girlfriend, who I shall nickname "BigBreast" is joining us. Rasta proclaims that she isn't joining him, and sods off. Poss conflict with other woman, Gamecube/Ps2? Will put Grix on it. Call Grix, who tells me Rasta is just having difficulties with Gamecube. Probably jealous of Ps2. I leave Ant with Bigbreast and go to visit Rasta.
" Sod off, I'm playing Super Smash Bros Melee."
Leave smiling. All is fine. Bedroom light is on, Gamecube must be in there.
January 19
Alcohol Units: 0 (Aren't I the sportsman!)
Gah! Arrived at parents only to find that Iguana was there with her parents.
" You're a postman, aren't you Alan?" remarks Iguana.
" No, I work in film." I reply, puzzled.
Must be Mum again. Will contact men in white coats. Maybe they can do something, like exchange her for a newer model. Chat to Iguana for a bit, and decide we utterly hate each other.
January 20
Moan to Ant and Grix about Iguana. They exchange the Look. I hate the Look. It has meaning. Must make Look illegal. Rasta turns up late. Gamecube issues, he said. I try to establish the Look with Grix. He is having none of it.Perhaps Grix believes Gamecube and Rasta are meant for each other? Rasta has poss replaced sex with gaming. Seems smug. Met Iguana at a late night film showing of Ali. Tried to ignore her, but had to take last two seats in cinema. Chatted briefly. I want to CRUCIFY her! Will see if Rasta will kill her for me in exchange for new Gamecube game. Definite possibility.
January 21
EXCITEMENT! Not only have a got my hands on Rasta's Gamecube without him noticing, but Mystique has asked me out! I'm taking her to meet my friends tomorrow, if I'm still alive. Will send ransom note to Rasta.
January 22
Alcohol Units: (Who knows? Maybe the Pixie.)
Well, the date started off badly. Rasta found his Gamecube under my bed, and proceeded to beat me with it. He then spent half an hour talking to it in a soothing tone. Poss mad? We met up with Ant and Grix down the pub. Ant had brought BigBreast, Grix had brought no-one. Rasta considers him and Gamecube to be couple, so laughed at Grix for being single. BigBreast and Mystique are deadly rivals from the newspaper world, apparently. Something to do with red tape and big media men fiddling with knobs. Anyway, proceeded to get very very drunk. Might have kissed Rasta, will get Grix to prove this wrong, somehow. Ended up in bed, hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing. Considering possibility that I may be a sex god. Probably not.
January 23
Alcohol Units: 14 (Needed to kill pain.)
NOOOOOOOO! Was so drunk that me and Ant appear to have swopped partners. I woke up in bed with BigBreast (not that I'm complaining.) Must be thankful that I didn't wake up with Rasta's partner. Would be sharp. Don't think about it. Do think about Mystique and Ant. BigBreast leaves hurridely, dispelling my sex god images. Damn. Go round to Rasta's to confess.
" Couldn't care less mate. Pikmin arrived today. Sod off."
Well, that was helpful. Went down pub on OWN to get very drunk, as alcohol is answer to all woes. Met Ant there, who obviously had the same idea. We looked at each other, and decided a fight would solve all the world's ills. Well, no, but I'd make us feel much better. Got punched and thrown through a door. But it was a thin door. Ice didn't help.
January 24
Chatted to Grix at Oxford University.
" You alright mate? You look like you've been thrown through a quite thin door."
Obviously he had been chatting to Ant. He told me that Ant didn't sleep with Mystique two nights ago. Good.He then told me Ant slept with Mystique last night. Less good.
To Do : Become a monk
Seduce Rasta's Gamecube.
Not to Do: Ever say anything ever again ever.
January 25
Groan. Have developed quite large bruise that might damage my potent sexual allure to Mystique. Assuming she isn't in love with Ant. Which she is. So it doesn't matter.
To Do: Consider becoming gay.
January 26
Alcohol Units: Wha? Alcohol? Oh. Many.
Grix, the sage, that he is, arranged a meeting between me and Ant at the pub. BigBreast and Mystique nowhere to be seen. Secretly suspect that Ant is hording women, in preperation for nuclear disaster or old age. Will investigate. Rasta was there too, looking sheepish and leafing through a magazine with pictures of GameCubes. Nintendo porn? Don't think, another beer. Ant thre we threw a slightly thicker door. Damn these foreign thick door imports, ruining our natural thin door manufacturing system. Perhaps will buy Ant his own set of BigBreasts. More beer will sort it out. Walking home with Grix when BigBreast appears. Asks if I want to have sex. Private conversation with Grix.
"It's only sex, mate. and Ant is your friend."
Listen to Grix's advice, and decide he is utterly wrong, mad, and probably gay too. It's only sex? Pah.
January 27
Work today, Mystique was giving me strange looks. Perhaps my new and improved sex life is giving off signs that I am read to become a stud. Confided in Rasta about this. He proceeded to laugh at me and get some beer. You can never have beer. God said that, I think. Thou shalt always have more beer. Said it to Jesus, I think. Anyway, looked at Rasta's book. Shock! "The Cuba Sutra!" Apparently it includes new "moves" like the Three Way Stick and the Shigsy ShagWagon. I show this to Rasta, who looks sheepish. Apparently his Gamecube wants it's sexlife improving. I don't even ask. Rasta seems happy with the green dominatrix console. My Ps2 lies forgotten, just another one-game stand for Rasta the Console Stud. Rasta ignores me and laughs at me again for thinking I'm a stud. I proceed to hit him and throw his Gamecube at him. Seems devestated. Will leave.
January 28
Unexpected development at work today. New boss, as Goatboy was apparently attacked and beaten by a midget with a beard and cosh. BUT the new boss of department is Iguana. Help, I might attract her to me with my manly charms. I wish. No, I don't wish. Damn, I wish I had a Cuba Sutra. Proceed to ignore Iguana for the entire day. Stryke appears with celebrity gossip that Arnie has been cast in Terminator 2. I think the lad must be disturbed. Will ask Grix to look at him. BigBreast turns up at my door. I look forward to a night of sex, Alan style. Maybe she'll want to try the Shigsy ShagWagon. But alas, all she was interested in was my Terry's Chocolate Orange, and then she left, out of my life forever.
To Do: Make new life as hermit in en-suite cave.
Never think of BigBreast ever again ever. Damn.
Not to Do: Be tempted to the way of Cuba Sutra.
Think I'm a stud
Be thrown through door, thick,thin or middling.
January 29
Damn, have woken up in empty bed with only strangely misformed cushion to comfort me. Hmm. Wander out into lounge where Rasta is sat, trying to perform a strange action on his Gamecube. I ask him what he is doing.
" She asked me to push her button."
Sigh. Perhaps I need to speak to Rasta's mother. Presuming he has one, or hasn't sold her for black leather money. This reminds me. Rasta has covered his Gamecube in black leather. I actually chortled when I saw this. Rasta yet again seems pleased. Will leave it at that.
Went into work, to confront a moaning Iguana, something that should not be beheld at 8:30 without strong coffee and a chasity belt. She wants we to review Vanilla Sky. I do not want to review Vanilla Sky. Mystique tells me to review Vanilla Sky, or I'm sacked. I review Vanilla Sky, but I don't feel very happy about it, so my rebel Scottish image is not tarnished. I may have a kilt somewhere, if Rasta hasn't scrounged it for a bizarre sex toy.
January 30
Alcohol Units: More, please.
As always, I go down pub with Rasta, Grix and Gamecube. Not sure what the Gamecube is doing there, she doesn't drink anything and has damn few conversation skills. Still, Rasta seems to engage her in ways I'd rather not know. Anyway, we met Ant, with his new Mystique shaped scarf drooped around his shoulders. Pitiful. I'm aloof, not at all jealous and not noticing Mystique's breasts. Damn, will not notice Mystique's breasts in future. Damn. Grix, the philosopher, gives me more sage advice.
" Ant is funning her, you've funned BigBreast. Correct?"
I believe this to be vaguely true, although BigBreast has disappeared, possibly to some BigBreast research lab.
" You have funned Mystique. Ant has funned BigBreast. It's all down to the maths. You fun Ant!"
Rasta laughed and split his drink over the black leather Gamecube.
" Grix...I have to ask you this. Are you gay?"
This proceeded to a circuit of events, in which Ant assisted Grix in throwing me through a series of doors, some thin, some...not. Pint of gin did not help.
January 31
Thank god it's a weekend. I need to get rid of this hangover, that might have permanently moved into my brain and set up home. Stagger out into living room about 2ish and, as always, confront Rasta on Gamecube. But Grix is with him. Poss. perfecting the Three Way Stick? I don't notice the Cuba Sutra about, but it could be hidden in Grix's hair. I resist the temptation to search. Ask Grix why he was here.
"Selling Rasta some weed."
I was shocked at this. I thought Rasta grew his own weed. What else is the roof for?
"Only joking. I cam to apologise. I'm not gay, by the way. But I thought you might be."
WHAT? I was very enraged at this. My kitchen has a thin door, after all. Door + Grix = :-D. But I didn't. Because I have a good sense of moral duty. NOT because Grix is half a foot taller than me.
To Do: Print and hand-out leaflets saying I'm not gay.
Print and hand-out leaflets saying Grix IS gay.
Despair is Rasta will ever become straight or gay. He's invented a new sexuality, by the look of it. Seems pleased.
That was long....
Just read them again due to boredom.
This rules :-)
This rules :-)