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RPG Gamer discovers “Alien Life”
Long the domain of loner psychos with too much free time and acne, the gaming world today was rocked to it’s very core by the claims of RPG fanatic Steven Stevens.
Stevens, 17, tells the story:
“It was a Friday evening, I’d got home from school late because it was the D&D evening and I had been engaged in a level 12 battle with Collins’ Orc Ogre for a week now and, quite frankly, it was getting on my nerves. We decided to hold a deathmatch to decide who had the right to the title ‘Champion Gamer’ once and for all. We finished about 6pm, he had defeated my Tree Pixie with a spell of massive-Clearasil and I was angry. I got home and promptly posted to several newsgroups about how unlikely it was that an Orc could defeat a pixie.”
So far everything was normal for Stevens, he had avoided the traditional beating he received on his way home from school each night from local hard-boy Alan “Maniac” Minter.
“I hate him” said Minter, “I’ll smash his greasy face in, spoddy little dog.”
( Minter usually hangs outside the local shop, sniffing glue and trying to take money from smaller kids “for gear”.)
Whilst registering his unhappiness at “geekd&d.com”, Stevens received an email from someone claiming to be “his mate”.
“Well of course I was sceptical at first” said Stevens, “But he answered all the secret questions and knew my password to my private online account at games workshop, so it had to be genuine”
This email was asking Stevens to “go out” that night to “the pub”. Stevens was confused and consulted his newsgroups.
What follows is a transcript of that session (Stevens is known as Frodo)
Frodo: Anyone ever heard of “The Pub”?
Bangmip: No, is it a new character?
Bushtrim: I think it’s a trap
Frodo: No, he knows me, I’m certain
Bangmip: Be careful, outside is scary
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: I’ve run a search, “The Pub” is a place where males gather to imbibe alcohol and talk.
Bangmip: A tavern?
Frodo: Cool!
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: Sounds like a tavern to me.
Bangmip: Cool, maybe you can accept challenges there? Level up?
Frodo: Maybe. I might check it out.
Bushtrim: Chat to the innkeeper, maybe he would know what “mate” is?
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? It was cool!
Bangmip: Chat to the various NPCs and see what happens!
Frodo: So you think I should undertake this quest?
Bushtrim: Yeah, but be careful, I still think it could be a trap
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? I think I saw boob!
Bangmip: Don’t be stupid Mung, you mong.
Frodo: I’ll go, but I’ll wear my cloak of protection, just in case
Bushtrim: Take a dagger as well. And some apples.
Frodo: Will do. Live long and prosper
Mungbean: Honest, it was almost a boob, if you pause it you can see the side!
Bangmip: What’s the URL?
Mungbean: What?
Bushtrim: You retards.
Stevens awaited the arrival of this “mate” that evening, dressed in his best going-out clothes. He had ironed his Star-Trek t-shirt and had used almost a bottle of Hai Karate to mask the aroma
His “mate” arrived just before 8pm and took him to “The Pub”.
His mate explained, “I’ve known Steven for ages and always felt sorry for him, he never goes out and just spends his time on the net. It was his birthday so I thought I’d take him out and get some beers in him. Y’know, for a laugh”
However, Stevens’ tiny little mind was subjected to amazing revelations that night. Stevens continues the story.
“We got there and it was ok, not like the usual Tavern. I couldn’t see any wind-walkers slumped over tables or goblins. But there was something I had never, ever seen before. Mate explained that these were called ‘Women’ and were the subject of endless quests to the “land of pink”.
Of course I was scared, but I had my cloak with me so I afforded myself some protection from these ‘women’. Mate then gave me several potions that are called “pints” and I fell under an evil spell. My vision grew cloudy and I felt myself being invaded by spirits that wanted me to fight. But only at first did I want to fight, then the demons summoned by the potions raised my love quota and I tried to make contact with ‘women’ “
Things grow serious at this point.
“All I remember is being hurled towards a group of these women-creatures, and then the demons in me took over. I don’t remember much after this”, Stevens sobbed, “I do remember waking in the morning in a park and I felt really, really bad. Someone had used a shrink-spell on my head and emptied what appeared to be gruel into my pants. It was horrible. Some passing vagabond had shaved my eyebrows off and written “Happy Birthday” on my chest in a substance known as cream.”
Stevens returned to his room, vowing never to leave the safety of his cave again.
The search for “mate” continues.
Long the domain of loner psychos with too much free time and acne, the gaming world today was rocked to it’s very core by the claims of RPG fanatic Steven Stevens.
Stevens, 17, tells the story:
“It was a Friday evening, I’d got home from school late because it was the D&D evening and I had been engaged in a level 12 battle with Collins’ Orc Ogre for a week now and, quite frankly, it was getting on my nerves. We decided to hold a deathmatch to decide who had the right to the title ‘Champion Gamer’ once and for all. We finished about 6pm, he had defeated my Tree Pixie with a spell of massive-Clearasil and I was angry. I got home and promptly posted to several newsgroups about how unlikely it was that an Orc could defeat a pixie.”
So far everything was normal for Stevens, he had avoided the traditional beating he received on his way home from school each night from local hard-boy Alan “Maniac” Minter.
“I hate him” said Minter, “I’ll smash his greasy face in, spoddy little dog.”
( Minter usually hangs outside the local shop, sniffing glue and trying to take money from smaller kids “for gear”.)
Whilst registering his unhappiness at “geekd&d.com”, Stevens received an email from someone claiming to be “his mate”.
“Well of course I was sceptical at first” said Stevens, “But he answered all the secret questions and knew my password to my private online account at games workshop, so it had to be genuine”
This email was asking Stevens to “go out” that night to “the pub”. Stevens was confused and consulted his newsgroups.
What follows is a transcript of that session (Stevens is known as Frodo)
Frodo: Anyone ever heard of “The Pub”?
Bangmip: No, is it a new character?
Bushtrim: I think it’s a trap
Frodo: No, he knows me, I’m certain
Bangmip: Be careful, outside is scary
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: I’ve run a search, “The Pub” is a place where males gather to imbibe alcohol and talk.
Bangmip: A tavern?
Frodo: Cool!
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: Sounds like a tavern to me.
Bangmip: Cool, maybe you can accept challenges there? Level up?
Frodo: Maybe. I might check it out.
Bushtrim: Chat to the innkeeper, maybe he would know what “mate” is?
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? It was cool!
Bangmip: Chat to the various NPCs and see what happens!
Frodo: So you think I should undertake this quest?
Bushtrim: Yeah, but be careful, I still think it could be a trap
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? I think I saw boob!
Bangmip: Don’t be stupid Mung, you mong.
Frodo: I’ll go, but I’ll wear my cloak of protection, just in case
Bushtrim: Take a dagger as well. And some apples.
Frodo: Will do. Live long and prosper
Mungbean: Honest, it was almost a boob, if you pause it you can see the side!
Bangmip: What’s the URL?
Mungbean: What?
Bushtrim: You retards.
Stevens awaited the arrival of this “mate” that evening, dressed in his best going-out clothes. He had ironed his Star-Trek t-shirt and had used almost a bottle of Hai Karate to mask the aroma
His “mate” arrived just before 8pm and took him to “The Pub”.
His mate explained, “I’ve known Steven for ages and always felt sorry for him, he never goes out and just spends his time on the net. It was his birthday so I thought I’d take him out and get some beers in him. Y’know, for a laugh”
However, Stevens’ tiny little mind was subjected to amazing revelations that night. Stevens continues the story.
“We got there and it was ok, not like the usual Tavern. I couldn’t see any wind-walkers slumped over tables or goblins. But there was something I had never, ever seen before. Mate explained that these were called ‘Women’ and were the subject of endless quests to the “land of pink”.
Of course I was scared, but I had my cloak with me so I afforded myself some protection from these ‘women’. Mate then gave me several potions that are called “pints” and I fell under an evil spell. My vision grew cloudy and I felt myself being invaded by spirits that wanted me to fight. But only at first did I want to fight, then the demons summoned by the potions raised my love quota and I tried to make contact with ‘women’ “
Things grow serious at this point.
“All I remember is being hurled towards a group of these women-creatures, and then the demons in me took over. I don’t remember much after this”, Stevens sobbed, “I do remember waking in the morning in a park and I felt really, really bad. Someone had used a shrink-spell on my head and emptied what appeared to be gruel into my pants. It was horrible. Some passing vagabond had shaved my eyebrows off and written “Happy Birthday” on my chest in a substance known as cream.”
Stevens returned to his room, vowing never to leave the safety of his cave again.
The search for “mate” continues.
Hehe, that was excellent Goatboy.
Thanks for helping me understand what a "pub" is.
Thanks for helping me understand what a "pub" is.
Elf/Pixie.
It's all small folk in the woods at the end of the day.
It's all small folk in the woods at the end of the day.
I don't find this funny.
How did you know about all that? It was 18 years ago. I never told anyone. And I don't wear my cloak in the pub anymore, though my pointy green boots are quite a topic opener at the Magic sessions we have.
And it wasn't a pixie, it was an elf. So stick that in your level 3+ enhanced magical pipe and smoke it.
How did you know about all that? It was 18 years ago. I never told anyone. And I don't wear my cloak in the pub anymore, though my pointy green boots are quite a topic opener at the Magic sessions we have.
And it wasn't a pixie, it was an elf. So stick that in your level 3+ enhanced magical pipe and smoke it.
Shouldn't the title be "RPG gamer discovers Alien Life, which he later realises is himself"?
It's a scary thought no?
I'd give Alan Minter a fighting chance against him though.
I'd give Alan Minter a fighting chance against him though.
Surely the combination of Star Trek fan and D&D fanatic cannot truelly exist?
RPG Gamer discovers “Alien Life”
Long the domain of loner psychos with too much free time and acne, the gaming world today was rocked to it’s very core by the claims of RPG fanatic Steven Stevens.
Stevens, 17, tells the story:
“It was a Friday evening, I’d got home from school late because it was the D&D evening and I had been engaged in a level 12 battle with Collins’ Orc Ogre for a week now and, quite frankly, it was getting on my nerves. We decided to hold a deathmatch to decide who had the right to the title ‘Champion Gamer’ once and for all. We finished about 6pm, he had defeated my Tree Pixie with a spell of massive-Clearasil and I was angry. I got home and promptly posted to several newsgroups about how unlikely it was that an Orc could defeat a pixie.”
So far everything was normal for Stevens, he had avoided the traditional beating he received on his way home from school each night from local hard-boy Alan “Maniac” Minter.
“I hate him” said Minter, “I’ll smash his greasy face in, spoddy little dog.”
( Minter usually hangs outside the local shop, sniffing glue and trying to take money from smaller kids “for gear”.)
Whilst registering his unhappiness at “geekd&d.com”, Stevens received an email from someone claiming to be “his mate”.
“Well of course I was sceptical at first” said Stevens, “But he answered all the secret questions and knew my password to my private online account at games workshop, so it had to be genuine”
This email was asking Stevens to “go out” that night to “the pub”. Stevens was confused and consulted his newsgroups.
What follows is a transcript of that session (Stevens is known as Frodo)
Frodo: Anyone ever heard of “The Pub”?
Bangmip: No, is it a new character?
Bushtrim: I think it’s a trap
Frodo: No, he knows me, I’m certain
Bangmip: Be careful, outside is scary
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: I’ve run a search, “The Pub” is a place where males gather to imbibe alcohol and talk.
Bangmip: A tavern?
Frodo: Cool!
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: Sounds like a tavern to me.
Bangmip: Cool, maybe you can accept challenges there? Level up?
Frodo: Maybe. I might check it out.
Bushtrim: Chat to the innkeeper, maybe he would know what “mate” is?
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? It was cool!
Bangmip: Chat to the various NPCs and see what happens!
Frodo: So you think I should undertake this quest?
Bushtrim: Yeah, but be careful, I still think it could be a trap
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? I think I saw boob!
Bangmip: Don’t be stupid Mung, you mong.
Frodo: I’ll go, but I’ll wear my cloak of protection, just in case
Bushtrim: Take a dagger as well. And some apples.
Frodo: Will do. Live long and prosper
Mungbean: Honest, it was almost a boob, if you pause it you can see the side!
Bangmip: What’s the URL?
Mungbean: What?
Bushtrim: You retards.
Stevens awaited the arrival of this “mate” that evening, dressed in his best going-out clothes. He had ironed his Star-Trek t-shirt and had used almost a bottle of Hai Karate to mask the aroma
His “mate” arrived just before 8pm and took him to “The Pub”.
His mate explained, “I’ve known Steven for ages and always felt sorry for him, he never goes out and just spends his time on the net. It was his birthday so I thought I’d take him out and get some beers in him. Y’know, for a laugh”
However, Stevens’ tiny little mind was subjected to amazing revelations that night. Stevens continues the story.
“We got there and it was ok, not like the usual Tavern. I couldn’t see any wind-walkers slumped over tables or goblins. But there was something I had never, ever seen before. Mate explained that these were called ‘Women’ and were the subject of endless quests to the “land of pink”.
Of course I was scared, but I had my cloak with me so I afforded myself some protection from these ‘women’. Mate then gave me several potions that are called “pints” and I fell under an evil spell. My vision grew cloudy and I felt myself being invaded by spirits that wanted me to fight. But only at first did I want to fight, then the demons summoned by the potions raised my love quota and I tried to make contact with ‘women’ “
Things grow serious at this point.
“All I remember is being hurled towards a group of these women-creatures, and then the demons in me took over. I don’t remember much after this”, Stevens sobbed, “I do remember waking in the morning in a park and I felt really, really bad. Someone had used a shrink-spell on my head and emptied what appeared to be gruel into my pants. It was horrible. Some passing vagabond had shaved my eyebrows off and written “Happy Birthday” on my chest in a substance known as cream.”
Stevens returned to his room, vowing never to leave the safety of his cave again.
The search for “mate” continues.
Long the domain of loner psychos with too much free time and acne, the gaming world today was rocked to it’s very core by the claims of RPG fanatic Steven Stevens.
Stevens, 17, tells the story:
“It was a Friday evening, I’d got home from school late because it was the D&D evening and I had been engaged in a level 12 battle with Collins’ Orc Ogre for a week now and, quite frankly, it was getting on my nerves. We decided to hold a deathmatch to decide who had the right to the title ‘Champion Gamer’ once and for all. We finished about 6pm, he had defeated my Tree Pixie with a spell of massive-Clearasil and I was angry. I got home and promptly posted to several newsgroups about how unlikely it was that an Orc could defeat a pixie.”
So far everything was normal for Stevens, he had avoided the traditional beating he received on his way home from school each night from local hard-boy Alan “Maniac” Minter.
“I hate him” said Minter, “I’ll smash his greasy face in, spoddy little dog.”
( Minter usually hangs outside the local shop, sniffing glue and trying to take money from smaller kids “for gear”.)
Whilst registering his unhappiness at “geekd&d.com”, Stevens received an email from someone claiming to be “his mate”.
“Well of course I was sceptical at first” said Stevens, “But he answered all the secret questions and knew my password to my private online account at games workshop, so it had to be genuine”
This email was asking Stevens to “go out” that night to “the pub”. Stevens was confused and consulted his newsgroups.
What follows is a transcript of that session (Stevens is known as Frodo)
Frodo: Anyone ever heard of “The Pub”?
Bangmip: No, is it a new character?
Bushtrim: I think it’s a trap
Frodo: No, he knows me, I’m certain
Bangmip: Be careful, outside is scary
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: I’ve run a search, “The Pub” is a place where males gather to imbibe alcohol and talk.
Bangmip: A tavern?
Frodo: Cool!
Mungbean: Anyone watch The X-Files last night?
Bushtrim: Sounds like a tavern to me.
Bangmip: Cool, maybe you can accept challenges there? Level up?
Frodo: Maybe. I might check it out.
Bushtrim: Chat to the innkeeper, maybe he would know what “mate” is?
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? It was cool!
Bangmip: Chat to the various NPCs and see what happens!
Frodo: So you think I should undertake this quest?
Bushtrim: Yeah, but be careful, I still think it could be a trap
Mungbean: Anyone watch the X-Files last night? I think I saw boob!
Bangmip: Don’t be stupid Mung, you mong.
Frodo: I’ll go, but I’ll wear my cloak of protection, just in case
Bushtrim: Take a dagger as well. And some apples.
Frodo: Will do. Live long and prosper
Mungbean: Honest, it was almost a boob, if you pause it you can see the side!
Bangmip: What’s the URL?
Mungbean: What?
Bushtrim: You retards.
Stevens awaited the arrival of this “mate” that evening, dressed in his best going-out clothes. He had ironed his Star-Trek t-shirt and had used almost a bottle of Hai Karate to mask the aroma
His “mate” arrived just before 8pm and took him to “The Pub”.
His mate explained, “I’ve known Steven for ages and always felt sorry for him, he never goes out and just spends his time on the net. It was his birthday so I thought I’d take him out and get some beers in him. Y’know, for a laugh”
However, Stevens’ tiny little mind was subjected to amazing revelations that night. Stevens continues the story.
“We got there and it was ok, not like the usual Tavern. I couldn’t see any wind-walkers slumped over tables or goblins. But there was something I had never, ever seen before. Mate explained that these were called ‘Women’ and were the subject of endless quests to the “land of pink”.
Of course I was scared, but I had my cloak with me so I afforded myself some protection from these ‘women’. Mate then gave me several potions that are called “pints” and I fell under an evil spell. My vision grew cloudy and I felt myself being invaded by spirits that wanted me to fight. But only at first did I want to fight, then the demons summoned by the potions raised my love quota and I tried to make contact with ‘women’ “
Things grow serious at this point.
“All I remember is being hurled towards a group of these women-creatures, and then the demons in me took over. I don’t remember much after this”, Stevens sobbed, “I do remember waking in the morning in a park and I felt really, really bad. Someone had used a shrink-spell on my head and emptied what appeared to be gruel into my pants. It was horrible. Some passing vagabond had shaved my eyebrows off and written “Happy Birthday” on my chest in a substance known as cream.”
Stevens returned to his room, vowing never to leave the safety of his cave again.
The search for “mate” continues.