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Walking through open barriers at a train station as if smuggling drugs through customs, despite having a ticket
Being more excited to have an airport beer at 7am than you are about any other part of your holiday
Wondering whether to hurl yourself through a window when someone sits next to you on an empty bus
Chuckling after missing a step, despite a powerful suspicion you've just shattered your knee
Watching sadly as someone presses the lift button you've clearly just pressed
Getting stuck holding a door and watching forlornly as your friends disappear over the horizon
Feeling you're having an out-of-body experience as you quietly watch someone making you the wrong sandwich
Receiving an email ending in "regards" and wondering what you've done to cause so much anger
Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end
Constantly performing slightly below par, to ward off any chance of being praised in public
Discovering someone has wreaked havoc with your toaster settings, and deciding not to have guests round again for a while
Dressing in black for at least a month after breaking your favourite mug
The horror of quietly telling your neighbouring diner a joke and, without warning, the whole table listens in
Having an uneasy feeling that the sky has been stockpiling rain for Wimbledon
Worrying you might have just triggered a monsoon by purchasing barbecue food
Striding off in the direction the stranger has just sent you, despite having instantly forgotten every instruction after "turn right"
Saying "we timed that well" at least twelve times after just beating a queue
The curious predicament of spending a fortune on wine each month, yet only ever having one bottle in the rack
Looking into having your hands surgically removed after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind you
Assuring your hairdresser the water temperature is fine, despite a strong suspicion your scalp is beginning to melt
Not wanting to use an emoticon yet worrying you'll come across as sarcastic without one
Having rules regarding which condiment pairs with which meal that are more meticulous than the periodic table
The anxious bewilderment when clocking the stranger deciding to join the queue at your side rather than behind you
Inviting someone to a party, then providing a list of reasons not to come in case they don't fancy it
Glowering at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope it will cause a chatterbox to be ejected through the roof of the train
Speeding up to pass a pavement hog, then feeling you must keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until at least a mile away
Shutting yourself in the wardrobe until the window cleaner has finished and left
Wondering what to do with the 100 bags of charcoal you purchased last week now that summer's over for another year
The distress of discovering your local has stopped serving crisps and is instead offering a scotch egg for seven pounds
Saying "I've tasted better", to indicate that every other thing you've ever tasted has tasted better
The shock of lifting an index finger from the steering wheel to thank a fellow driver and not receiving an acknowledgment finger in return
Bringing out the three-step jog across the forecourt, to show you'll be paying for your petrol as soon as humanly possible
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
Missing winter whenever the faint sound of buzzing causes you to hurl yourself into the nearest cupboard
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you've asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Deciding to spice things up a bit in the bedroom, so switching from pitch-darkness to leaving the hallway light on
Being told you've caught the sun, indicating you're burnt to an absolute crisp
Writing 'good luck' without an exclamation mark on a colleague's leaving card, to show just how much you detested their presence
Saying "It's nothing, really" to indicate you're remarkably close to losing consciousness
Holding the door for someone with the tip of your outstretched foot, to indicate you've really no time to dilly-dally
Not wishing to tell someone they've misheard you, so simply soldiering into a completely different topic of conversation
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed 'cheers', 'ta' and 'nice one'
Leaving it at least a week before publicly stating that, on reflection, your main course wasn't quite up to scratch
Noticing a small patch of blue sky and immediately purchasing 24 cases of Pimm's
Apologetically glancing behind you whenever the cashier says "Who's next please?"
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it's illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
Apprehensively approaching someone to ask if they're in the queue, as if creeping towards a firework that hasn't gone off
Not knowing what face, or indeed noise, to make when someone tells a terrible joke. Or any joke
Reluctantly slowing your walk slightly when sensing a fast-paced stranger about to overtake
Saying left and right at random, rather than admit to the optician that all the lenses seem identical
Feeling it's time to leave the party when someone gets out their guitar
The relief of spotting an empty unreserved seat after discovering somebody has occupied the one you booked
Being unable to recall the last time you ended a conversation without muttering: "Roll on summer, that's what I say"
Going through a door because it's being held for you, regardless of your intended destination
The exhausting "honestly I don't mind where I sit" stand-off before commencing any restaurant meal
Being incapable of entering a lift without whispering "sorry"
Flashing your indicators to thank a fellow motorist, just in case they missed your mini wave, thumbs-up and arm raise
The palpable mass relief when an accidental queue-jumper suddenly realises their mistake and retreats
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Protecting your area at baggage reclaim as if the lives of your family depend on it
The uncomfortable moment when someone realises you've been allowing them to get your name wrong for quite some time
Translating "carpe diem" as "treat yourself to a slightly more expensive loaf of bread"
Sitting awkwardly for your whole journey to accommodate the staggering leg spread of the gentleman beside you
Spending your life squeezing by people, yet never once completing the sentence: "Excuse me, sorry, do you mind if I just..."
Staying in the same job forever to avoid any possible leaving speech scenario
Being resigned to living your entire life without ever experiencing the taste of the last biscuit
The paralysing fear of discovering your train has been replaced by a bus
Telling the doctor you're feeling a bit better so as not to question their treatment plan
Only realising the milk has gone off at the precise moment it's entering your cup
Entering into mild panic if unable to pick the correct amount of change from your hand within three seconds
Saying sorry as a way of catching someone's attention
Feeling the need to pat all your pockets despite knowing full well you don't have your loyalty card
Breaking into a light trot when halfway over a zebra crossing, as if the floor might fall away at any moment
Not quibbling with the unexpectedly high price, despite being certain your choices fully adhere to the rules of the Meal Deal
Arriving at a mini-roundabout at the same time as another driver and knowing you'll be there for some time
Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely at the back of their head
The shock of tasting Earl Grey when you expected otherwise
Resigning yourself to an unusual and arduous train route, rather than risk sharing your commute with a colleague
Writing a terribly modest CV, for fear of appearing boastful
Being prepared to argue to the death at any given moment over your correct method of making tea
Not quite catching someone's name, meaning you can never speak to them again
Stoically accepting your role as a doorman to an unexpectedly long queue of people
Saying you're pleased with your haircut despite the deep inner sadness it's causing you
Nervously hoping not to be seen trying the cashpoint by the person who just told you it isn't working
The "stay put or move" conundrum when the train empties, leaving you sitting unnecessarily with a stranger
Being unable to eat crisps at your desk without worrying that your mouth sounds like a building site
Never failing to feel flabbergasted by the total lack of queuing protocol at bus stops
Never wanting to use an exclamation mark yet worrying you'll come across as miserable without one
Only ever saying thanks and you're welcome at whispering volume during the placement of the Next Customer Please divider
Feeling guilty to be called through to your GP when you were the last to arrive in the waiting room
Being asked which floor you need in a lift, saying "three, please" while pressing the button yourself
Hoping your friend finishes their story so you don't have to miss your bus stop
Being told to enjoy your meal, flight, stay or birthday and replying "Thanks, you too!"
Wondering what you've become when a goodbye wave accidentally turns into a bit of a cheeky salute
Panicking in a sandwich shop and allowing a distressingly odd combination of fillings to happen
The unwelcome surprise of someone telling you how they are after you've asked them how they are
Deciding against a bag of crisps, as you only have a tenner and don't wish to cause any bother
Lying in a star shape for a bit and laughing after slipping over, to let everyone know you're fine with what just happened
Secretly hoping it stays cold so there's always something to talk about
Around half of all things now feature a "Keep calm and..." logo
Allowing your bladder to explode rather than wake a fellow plane passenger
The terror of these words: "And then later I'll ask everyone to stand up and present their ideas to the room"
Never under any circumstance pressing the call button on a plane, in case you disturb the cabin crew
Feeling you must keep your hands excessively on show while in a shop, so as not to be suspected of thievery
Feeling disappointed when encouraged to "do the math"
It's impossible to hum the Ski Sunday theme tune
Feeling mortified to be unable to provide a requested condiment
Holding out your money before the shopkeeper is ready: pull back or stand your ground?
Feeling very uneasy while honouring a request for three sugars
Saying "look, I'm not going to argue with you about this any longer" to subtly indicate you've realised you're wrong
Saying you don't mind when offered a choice, then praying you're left with the option you want
Losing the power of speech while waiting for a waiter's card machine to work
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Deciding which loyalty card to sacrifice to de-ice the windscreen
Sitting in someone's reserved seat and feeling sheer terror until the train has been moving for at least ten minutes
Telling people at the pub to help themselves to chips, and then they do
Wishing someone goodbye and then leaving in the same direction
The phrase: "We're going to put you into groups with people you don't normally get a chance to work with"
Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it
Not asking a friend if they fancy doing something at the weekend, in case they have plans
Discovering it's a push door as you open it for someone, making them squeeze by in a flurry of apologies
Feeling very uncomfortable lying to self checkout about how many of your own bags you just used
Saying nothing as you watch your lettuce-filled sandwich get shoved into a grill
Getting locked into an "after you, I insist" battle of wills with a stranger
Trying and failing to sound enthusiastic whenever asked: "What would you like to get out of today's training session?"
"No no, after you, you were next..." Translation: you were very much not next, you abrasive sod
Noticing someone smiling at you and immediately assuming there's something terribly wrong with your face
Sharing a train with someone who turns the pages of their newspaper as if angrily ripping off a giant plaster
Making a phone call just as your whole office decides to fall silent, causing you to forget how to speak
Saying "correct me if I'm wrong" to indicate that you know you're right and do not wish to be contradicted
Wincing whenever hearing someone ask if they can "get" a coffee
Saying "who's that?" when the phone rings late at night, even if you're alone
Tea bags in the sink
Jumping into the path of a car rather than walk in front of someone taking a photograph
Feeling utter disbelief when someone manages to bring a suitcase-sized item of hand luggage on to the aircraft
The fear of being encouraged to "do that impression you do"
Getting to work early so the least possible number of people notice you're wearing a new jacket
The pure horror of mentioning a song and being asked "how does it go?"
Seeing someone you know walking just ahead you, so stopping dead in the street until they’re completely out of sight
Selflessly permitting the side of your face to be used as a lectern for someone's newspaper on a busy commute
The overwhelming dread which accompanies the sentence: "Before we start let's just go round the table and say a bit about ourselves"
Losing faith in your delivery halfway through telling a joke, so opting to just explain what the punch line was going to be and why
Taking tremendous pride in your ability to keep your full beam on until the very last possible second
Declaring yourself quite chuffed, to indicate you're the most pleased you've ever been
Misjudging the biting point on the squeezy ketchup and unleashing a sauce tsunami towards your bacon sandwich
Being painfully reminded that nothing is more slippery than a road newly paved with kebab meat and chips
Discovering a wet spoon has recently entered the sugar, and vowing not to have guests round again for a while
Asking to sample an ale, disliking it and ordering a whole pint so as not to further waste the barman's time
Calling someone geezer and knowing you haven't pulled it off the instant it leaves your lips
Still kidding yourself well into January that you'll make an experimental quiche using the Brussels sprouts at the back of the fridge
Strictly not drinking in January. Except for beer and wine. And gin for a treat...
Sounding sarcastic no matter how many ways you try saying "that sounds great"
Saying "honestly, it's fine" to warn of your imminent meltdown
The regret of knowing you could have probably handled the vintage cheddar, but at time of buying thought extra mature would suffice
Simply closing your eyes on the tube to shield yourself from the possibility of looking at someone
Being incapable of placing your items on the counter in a newsagent’s shop without saying “just these please”
Taking your food out of the office microwave while it's still quite cold, so as not to keep the queue waiting
The impossibility of eating a Jaffa Cake without someone bringing up THAT debate
No longer smiling when the camera hasn't worked for a third time, yet still forcing out the word cheese
Waiting for the person reading the paper over your shoulder to finish before turning the page
Worrying you'll be suspected a thief if exiting a shop without making a purchase
Apologising to someone because you think they may have dialled the wrong number
Saying that somebody's comment is certainly food for thought, as an indication that your last thought ever on the matter has just occurred
Missing your tea's optimum drinking temperature by seconds
Getting stuck in a "fine thanks, how are you?" loop
Deciding whether to ask "how are you doing?" or "how's it going?", then getting flustered and asking "how's it doing?"
Accidentally saying you're welcome too loudly when someone hasn't thanked you, and smiling politely when they look straight at you
The embarrassment when your friend carries on a conversation with you after the doors of a crowded lift have closed
Saying you'll bear something in mind, thus indicating your plan to forget all about it almost immediately
Apologising at work for asking to take the time off you didn't take last year
Finding someone examining the goods you need in the supermarket, so pretending to inspect another item until they leave
Feeling lost when you turn to wave & say "thanks very much, cheers, ta" before exiting the pub, only to find there's not a barman in sight
Saying "thanks very much, cheers, ta" as a way of thanking someone once
Saying oops-a-daisy
Feeling devastated when someone appears to have better knowledge of motorway routes than you
Offering your seat to an elderly person who on closer inspection turns out to be younger than first thought, so you both stand
Saying something was quite good to indicate how truly terrible it was
Telling someone you're speaking to them with all due respect to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely
Not being able to eat pork scratchings without someone telling you they're disgusting
Apologising for having a shopping trolley ram into your leg
Asking a shopkeeper if they mind if you buy something from their shop
Being required by law to drink ferociously on the last day of a bank holiday, even though you have work the next day
Going to a market, haggling someone down to the tune of 10p and acting as if you're Del Boy for the rest of the day
Noticing someone hasn't realised there's a queue and hoping someone else will say something before your head explodes
Feeling compelled to actually say the word delete when deleting something
The faint hope that you'll look like James Bond every time you put on a tuxedo, only to more closely resemble Ronnie Corbett
Not being able to fit food in half your kitchen cupboards because they're being used to store 83 bags for life
Unleashing the wave/thumbs-up combo when particularly pleased to have been allowed to cross the road
Putting your hand up when there's a problem at the self-service checkout, regardless of the huge flashing light
Feeling guilty for making traffic stop at the lights when you need to cross the road
Thanking the cashpoint for bestowing your money
Being terribly sorry for not smoking, and then giving directions towards someone who possibly has a lighter
Not fancying a whole bottle of wine so just buying three mini bottles instead
Thinking that using a tray in a pub is a sign of weakness
Failing to understand someone, begging their pardon three times and then just nodding and smiling
Finding your favourite part of the Sunday papers is missing and taking it as a sign that the day will not go well
Saying cheers to whoever's in the lift as the doors open at your floor
Accidentally choosing a motorway service station where you have to cross a bridge to use the toilet
Falling over and apologising to the person helping you up
Becoming so livid with the poor service you're receiving that you go straight home to consider writing a letter
Circling the car park for an hour rather than park half a minute's walk from the supermarket entrance
Not being able to cope when there are two of you in a tapas bar and you're given three of everything
Wondering if it's acceptable for you to have a glass of wine on Saturday morning because they do it on Saturday Kitchen
Feeling your life needs a change of direction and so buying a cheese you've never tried before
Hoping somebody else pushes the stop button, so as not to be the one who inconveniences the bus driver
Getting a bit too excited when you see your home town on the news
Using the word flabbergasted
Feeling flabbergasted when someone loads their shopping at the till but doesn't use the "next customer please" dividing baton
Going in a pub to use the loo and pretending to look for a friend all the way into the toilet
Thanking people under your breath as punishment for them not thanking you
Getting soaked while using your own umbrella to cover a friend's head
Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit
People you don't know who think it appropriate to mix a hug into a handshake
Not correcting someone when they mistake you for a shop assistant
Sending someone an angry email, seeing them before they've read it... Pretending everything's fine
Going to your doctor, they ask how you are, you reply "I'm fine, thank you"
Asking a taxi driver if he minds stopping at the cashpoint, as if there's a chance he'd prefer it if you didn't pay
Gearing yourself up for a rant then receiving very good customer service before you can unleash, making you even more irritated
Being powerless to the urge to take photographs of heavy rain
Being required by law to have a pint and a fry up in an airport, regardless of the fact it's 6am and you fancy neither
Being too polite to take the last roast potato, and so allowing it to be thrown away
Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman "I think this guy was next" and you're not thanked
Admitting you're completely indifferent towards Marmite
Staring at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope the person on the phone will get the message
Becoming so furious that you beg someone for their pardon
Feeling awful at work and hoping to be told to go home, yet replying "I'll survive" when asked how you're feeling
Apologising to furniture when you bump into it
Replying "no I don't" when someone says you look good
Not being able to help saying oops when someone else drops something
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Having a Bucks Fizz on Christmas morning and thinking it couldn't hurt to start every morning in similar fashion
An unshakable conviction that one can drink away a cold
Actually favouring the Toffee Penny, but feeling you must pretend otherwise
People who can't wait to call something "very Orwellian" in conversation
Patiently queuing in a queue that turns out not to be a queue at all
Someone who finds it hard swallowing lots of liquid being in the same round as you, yet they insist on drinking pints
Trying to explain that the Waitrose green token in your wallet is an innocent mistake
Feeling guilty taking your M&S Bag For Life into Tesco
The compulsion to be ridiculously friendly to a waiter who has just been treated rudely by a neighbouring table
Tutting at someone, and they hear you
The exhausting exasperation resulting from people who try to enter the lift before you've exited
Revealing you don't like tea and being stared at as if you've just peed on the table
Never failing to underestimate the power of horseradish
Feeling weird asking someone to take their shoes off so just letting them ruin your carpet
Feeling embarrassed to have nicer food than the person behind you at the checkout
Trying not to be rude when you have 28 items of shopping, no bag and are asked if you need a bag
The smaller the hotel kettle, the longer it takes to boil
Thanking someone for letting you go first when you were already ahead of them in the queue
Feeling nervous about the appropriate level of meat preparation to request from a butcher
Looking through the window to the forecourt and saying "erm, number... 4, please" when you already know exactly what pump you just used
Tripping up over nothing and turning to stare furiously at the floor
Asking a taxi driver "been busy?" and then staying silent for the rest of the journey
Switching from "kind regards" to "regards" as a warning that you're dangerously close to losing your temper
Standing ready to exit the train a full 10 minutes before your station
Inviting someone to "drop by anytime", and then they do
Having at least one friend who always insists on going karting for his birthday
Being told an item is 2-for-1 at the till; nobody looks elegant running back through a supermarket searching for a second pack of mince
Getting dressed at the speed of light the instant the masseuse says "I'll just give you 10 minutes to relax"
Pointing at your choice on the menu instead of saying what you'd like, so as not to appear extravagant
Having to open your crisps to the whole table at the pub, regardless of personal hunger, providing a ration of two per person
When you discover your reserved seat on the train to be occupied by someone who looks quite settled, so you stand
Being allowed to expense things at work, but not doing it because you don't want to be a bother
Slathering your poppadom with hot lime pickle in order to look worldly, and instantly ruining your meal
Attempting the "handshake tip" and dropping your £1 coin on the floor. Best left to Americans...
Sneaking a few empties into your regular bin bag so the recycling collectors won't think you have a drinking problem
Calling someone "fella" or "pal" then unexpectedly having to enter into full conversation, which reveals you're not actually Cockney at all
Walking back into the office after having a slightly shorter haircut than normal
Being more excited to have an airport beer at 7am than you are about any other part of your holiday
Wondering whether to hurl yourself through a window when someone sits next to you on an empty bus
Chuckling after missing a step, despite a powerful suspicion you've just shattered your knee
Watching sadly as someone presses the lift button you've clearly just pressed
Getting stuck holding a door and watching forlornly as your friends disappear over the horizon
Feeling you're having an out-of-body experience as you quietly watch someone making you the wrong sandwich
Receiving an email ending in "regards" and wondering what you've done to cause so much anger
Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end
Constantly performing slightly below par, to ward off any chance of being praised in public
Discovering someone has wreaked havoc with your toaster settings, and deciding not to have guests round again for a while
Dressing in black for at least a month after breaking your favourite mug
The horror of quietly telling your neighbouring diner a joke and, without warning, the whole table listens in
Having an uneasy feeling that the sky has been stockpiling rain for Wimbledon
Worrying you might have just triggered a monsoon by purchasing barbecue food
Striding off in the direction the stranger has just sent you, despite having instantly forgotten every instruction after "turn right"
Saying "we timed that well" at least twelve times after just beating a queue
The curious predicament of spending a fortune on wine each month, yet only ever having one bottle in the rack
Looking into having your hands surgically removed after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind you
Assuring your hairdresser the water temperature is fine, despite a strong suspicion your scalp is beginning to melt
Not wanting to use an emoticon yet worrying you'll come across as sarcastic without one
Having rules regarding which condiment pairs with which meal that are more meticulous than the periodic table
The anxious bewilderment when clocking the stranger deciding to join the queue at your side rather than behind you
Inviting someone to a party, then providing a list of reasons not to come in case they don't fancy it
Glowering at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope it will cause a chatterbox to be ejected through the roof of the train
Speeding up to pass a pavement hog, then feeling you must keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until at least a mile away
Shutting yourself in the wardrobe until the window cleaner has finished and left
Wondering what to do with the 100 bags of charcoal you purchased last week now that summer's over for another year
The distress of discovering your local has stopped serving crisps and is instead offering a scotch egg for seven pounds
Saying "I've tasted better", to indicate that every other thing you've ever tasted has tasted better
The shock of lifting an index finger from the steering wheel to thank a fellow driver and not receiving an acknowledgment finger in return
Bringing out the three-step jog across the forecourt, to show you'll be paying for your petrol as soon as humanly possible
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
Missing winter whenever the faint sound of buzzing causes you to hurl yourself into the nearest cupboard
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you've asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Deciding to spice things up a bit in the bedroom, so switching from pitch-darkness to leaving the hallway light on
Being told you've caught the sun, indicating you're burnt to an absolute crisp
Writing 'good luck' without an exclamation mark on a colleague's leaving card, to show just how much you detested their presence
Saying "It's nothing, really" to indicate you're remarkably close to losing consciousness
Holding the door for someone with the tip of your outstretched foot, to indicate you've really no time to dilly-dally
Not wishing to tell someone they've misheard you, so simply soldiering into a completely different topic of conversation
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed 'cheers', 'ta' and 'nice one'
Leaving it at least a week before publicly stating that, on reflection, your main course wasn't quite up to scratch
Noticing a small patch of blue sky and immediately purchasing 24 cases of Pimm's
Apologetically glancing behind you whenever the cashier says "Who's next please?"
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it's illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
Apprehensively approaching someone to ask if they're in the queue, as if creeping towards a firework that hasn't gone off
Not knowing what face, or indeed noise, to make when someone tells a terrible joke. Or any joke
Reluctantly slowing your walk slightly when sensing a fast-paced stranger about to overtake
Saying left and right at random, rather than admit to the optician that all the lenses seem identical
Feeling it's time to leave the party when someone gets out their guitar
The relief of spotting an empty unreserved seat after discovering somebody has occupied the one you booked
Being unable to recall the last time you ended a conversation without muttering: "Roll on summer, that's what I say"
Going through a door because it's being held for you, regardless of your intended destination
The exhausting "honestly I don't mind where I sit" stand-off before commencing any restaurant meal
Being incapable of entering a lift without whispering "sorry"
Flashing your indicators to thank a fellow motorist, just in case they missed your mini wave, thumbs-up and arm raise
The palpable mass relief when an accidental queue-jumper suddenly realises their mistake and retreats
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Protecting your area at baggage reclaim as if the lives of your family depend on it
The uncomfortable moment when someone realises you've been allowing them to get your name wrong for quite some time
Translating "carpe diem" as "treat yourself to a slightly more expensive loaf of bread"
Sitting awkwardly for your whole journey to accommodate the staggering leg spread of the gentleman beside you
Spending your life squeezing by people, yet never once completing the sentence: "Excuse me, sorry, do you mind if I just..."
Staying in the same job forever to avoid any possible leaving speech scenario
Being resigned to living your entire life without ever experiencing the taste of the last biscuit
The paralysing fear of discovering your train has been replaced by a bus
Telling the doctor you're feeling a bit better so as not to question their treatment plan
Only realising the milk has gone off at the precise moment it's entering your cup
Entering into mild panic if unable to pick the correct amount of change from your hand within three seconds
Saying sorry as a way of catching someone's attention
Feeling the need to pat all your pockets despite knowing full well you don't have your loyalty card
Breaking into a light trot when halfway over a zebra crossing, as if the floor might fall away at any moment
Not quibbling with the unexpectedly high price, despite being certain your choices fully adhere to the rules of the Meal Deal
Arriving at a mini-roundabout at the same time as another driver and knowing you'll be there for some time
Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely at the back of their head
The shock of tasting Earl Grey when you expected otherwise
Resigning yourself to an unusual and arduous train route, rather than risk sharing your commute with a colleague
Writing a terribly modest CV, for fear of appearing boastful
Being prepared to argue to the death at any given moment over your correct method of making tea
Not quite catching someone's name, meaning you can never speak to them again
Stoically accepting your role as a doorman to an unexpectedly long queue of people
Saying you're pleased with your haircut despite the deep inner sadness it's causing you
Nervously hoping not to be seen trying the cashpoint by the person who just told you it isn't working
The "stay put or move" conundrum when the train empties, leaving you sitting unnecessarily with a stranger
Being unable to eat crisps at your desk without worrying that your mouth sounds like a building site
Never failing to feel flabbergasted by the total lack of queuing protocol at bus stops
Never wanting to use an exclamation mark yet worrying you'll come across as miserable without one
Only ever saying thanks and you're welcome at whispering volume during the placement of the Next Customer Please divider
Feeling guilty to be called through to your GP when you were the last to arrive in the waiting room
Being asked which floor you need in a lift, saying "three, please" while pressing the button yourself
Hoping your friend finishes their story so you don't have to miss your bus stop
Being told to enjoy your meal, flight, stay or birthday and replying "Thanks, you too!"
Wondering what you've become when a goodbye wave accidentally turns into a bit of a cheeky salute
Panicking in a sandwich shop and allowing a distressingly odd combination of fillings to happen
The unwelcome surprise of someone telling you how they are after you've asked them how they are
Deciding against a bag of crisps, as you only have a tenner and don't wish to cause any bother
Lying in a star shape for a bit and laughing after slipping over, to let everyone know you're fine with what just happened
Secretly hoping it stays cold so there's always something to talk about
Around half of all things now feature a "Keep calm and..." logo
Allowing your bladder to explode rather than wake a fellow plane passenger
The terror of these words: "And then later I'll ask everyone to stand up and present their ideas to the room"
Never under any circumstance pressing the call button on a plane, in case you disturb the cabin crew
Feeling you must keep your hands excessively on show while in a shop, so as not to be suspected of thievery
Feeling disappointed when encouraged to "do the math"
It's impossible to hum the Ski Sunday theme tune
Feeling mortified to be unable to provide a requested condiment
Holding out your money before the shopkeeper is ready: pull back or stand your ground?
Feeling very uneasy while honouring a request for three sugars
Saying "look, I'm not going to argue with you about this any longer" to subtly indicate you've realised you're wrong
Saying you don't mind when offered a choice, then praying you're left with the option you want
Losing the power of speech while waiting for a waiter's card machine to work
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Deciding which loyalty card to sacrifice to de-ice the windscreen
Sitting in someone's reserved seat and feeling sheer terror until the train has been moving for at least ten minutes
Telling people at the pub to help themselves to chips, and then they do
Wishing someone goodbye and then leaving in the same direction
The phrase: "We're going to put you into groups with people you don't normally get a chance to work with"
Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it
Not asking a friend if they fancy doing something at the weekend, in case they have plans
Discovering it's a push door as you open it for someone, making them squeeze by in a flurry of apologies
Feeling very uncomfortable lying to self checkout about how many of your own bags you just used
Saying nothing as you watch your lettuce-filled sandwich get shoved into a grill
Getting locked into an "after you, I insist" battle of wills with a stranger
Trying and failing to sound enthusiastic whenever asked: "What would you like to get out of today's training session?"
"No no, after you, you were next..." Translation: you were very much not next, you abrasive sod
Noticing someone smiling at you and immediately assuming there's something terribly wrong with your face
Sharing a train with someone who turns the pages of their newspaper as if angrily ripping off a giant plaster
Making a phone call just as your whole office decides to fall silent, causing you to forget how to speak
Saying "correct me if I'm wrong" to indicate that you know you're right and do not wish to be contradicted
Wincing whenever hearing someone ask if they can "get" a coffee
Saying "who's that?" when the phone rings late at night, even if you're alone
Tea bags in the sink
Jumping into the path of a car rather than walk in front of someone taking a photograph
Feeling utter disbelief when someone manages to bring a suitcase-sized item of hand luggage on to the aircraft
The fear of being encouraged to "do that impression you do"
Getting to work early so the least possible number of people notice you're wearing a new jacket
The pure horror of mentioning a song and being asked "how does it go?"
Seeing someone you know walking just ahead you, so stopping dead in the street until they’re completely out of sight
Selflessly permitting the side of your face to be used as a lectern for someone's newspaper on a busy commute
The overwhelming dread which accompanies the sentence: "Before we start let's just go round the table and say a bit about ourselves"
Losing faith in your delivery halfway through telling a joke, so opting to just explain what the punch line was going to be and why
Taking tremendous pride in your ability to keep your full beam on until the very last possible second
Declaring yourself quite chuffed, to indicate you're the most pleased you've ever been
Misjudging the biting point on the squeezy ketchup and unleashing a sauce tsunami towards your bacon sandwich
Being painfully reminded that nothing is more slippery than a road newly paved with kebab meat and chips
Discovering a wet spoon has recently entered the sugar, and vowing not to have guests round again for a while
Asking to sample an ale, disliking it and ordering a whole pint so as not to further waste the barman's time
Calling someone geezer and knowing you haven't pulled it off the instant it leaves your lips
Still kidding yourself well into January that you'll make an experimental quiche using the Brussels sprouts at the back of the fridge
Strictly not drinking in January. Except for beer and wine. And gin for a treat...
Sounding sarcastic no matter how many ways you try saying "that sounds great"
Saying "honestly, it's fine" to warn of your imminent meltdown
The regret of knowing you could have probably handled the vintage cheddar, but at time of buying thought extra mature would suffice
Simply closing your eyes on the tube to shield yourself from the possibility of looking at someone
Being incapable of placing your items on the counter in a newsagent’s shop without saying “just these please”
Taking your food out of the office microwave while it's still quite cold, so as not to keep the queue waiting
The impossibility of eating a Jaffa Cake without someone bringing up THAT debate
No longer smiling when the camera hasn't worked for a third time, yet still forcing out the word cheese
Waiting for the person reading the paper over your shoulder to finish before turning the page
Worrying you'll be suspected a thief if exiting a shop without making a purchase
Apologising to someone because you think they may have dialled the wrong number
Saying that somebody's comment is certainly food for thought, as an indication that your last thought ever on the matter has just occurred
Missing your tea's optimum drinking temperature by seconds
Getting stuck in a "fine thanks, how are you?" loop
Deciding whether to ask "how are you doing?" or "how's it going?", then getting flustered and asking "how's it doing?"
Accidentally saying you're welcome too loudly when someone hasn't thanked you, and smiling politely when they look straight at you
The embarrassment when your friend carries on a conversation with you after the doors of a crowded lift have closed
Saying you'll bear something in mind, thus indicating your plan to forget all about it almost immediately
Apologising at work for asking to take the time off you didn't take last year
Finding someone examining the goods you need in the supermarket, so pretending to inspect another item until they leave
Feeling lost when you turn to wave & say "thanks very much, cheers, ta" before exiting the pub, only to find there's not a barman in sight
Saying "thanks very much, cheers, ta" as a way of thanking someone once
Saying oops-a-daisy
Feeling devastated when someone appears to have better knowledge of motorway routes than you
Offering your seat to an elderly person who on closer inspection turns out to be younger than first thought, so you both stand
Saying something was quite good to indicate how truly terrible it was
Telling someone you're speaking to them with all due respect to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely
Not being able to eat pork scratchings without someone telling you they're disgusting
Apologising for having a shopping trolley ram into your leg
Asking a shopkeeper if they mind if you buy something from their shop
Being required by law to drink ferociously on the last day of a bank holiday, even though you have work the next day
Going to a market, haggling someone down to the tune of 10p and acting as if you're Del Boy for the rest of the day
Noticing someone hasn't realised there's a queue and hoping someone else will say something before your head explodes
Feeling compelled to actually say the word delete when deleting something
The faint hope that you'll look like James Bond every time you put on a tuxedo, only to more closely resemble Ronnie Corbett
Not being able to fit food in half your kitchen cupboards because they're being used to store 83 bags for life
Unleashing the wave/thumbs-up combo when particularly pleased to have been allowed to cross the road
Putting your hand up when there's a problem at the self-service checkout, regardless of the huge flashing light
Feeling guilty for making traffic stop at the lights when you need to cross the road
Thanking the cashpoint for bestowing your money
Being terribly sorry for not smoking, and then giving directions towards someone who possibly has a lighter
Not fancying a whole bottle of wine so just buying three mini bottles instead
Thinking that using a tray in a pub is a sign of weakness
Failing to understand someone, begging their pardon three times and then just nodding and smiling
Finding your favourite part of the Sunday papers is missing and taking it as a sign that the day will not go well
Saying cheers to whoever's in the lift as the doors open at your floor
Accidentally choosing a motorway service station where you have to cross a bridge to use the toilet
Falling over and apologising to the person helping you up
Becoming so livid with the poor service you're receiving that you go straight home to consider writing a letter
Circling the car park for an hour rather than park half a minute's walk from the supermarket entrance
Not being able to cope when there are two of you in a tapas bar and you're given three of everything
Wondering if it's acceptable for you to have a glass of wine on Saturday morning because they do it on Saturday Kitchen
Feeling your life needs a change of direction and so buying a cheese you've never tried before
Hoping somebody else pushes the stop button, so as not to be the one who inconveniences the bus driver
Getting a bit too excited when you see your home town on the news
Using the word flabbergasted
Feeling flabbergasted when someone loads their shopping at the till but doesn't use the "next customer please" dividing baton
Going in a pub to use the loo and pretending to look for a friend all the way into the toilet
Thanking people under your breath as punishment for them not thanking you
Getting soaked while using your own umbrella to cover a friend's head
Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit
People you don't know who think it appropriate to mix a hug into a handshake
Not correcting someone when they mistake you for a shop assistant
Sending someone an angry email, seeing them before they've read it... Pretending everything's fine
Going to your doctor, they ask how you are, you reply "I'm fine, thank you"
Asking a taxi driver if he minds stopping at the cashpoint, as if there's a chance he'd prefer it if you didn't pay
Gearing yourself up for a rant then receiving very good customer service before you can unleash, making you even more irritated
Being powerless to the urge to take photographs of heavy rain
Being required by law to have a pint and a fry up in an airport, regardless of the fact it's 6am and you fancy neither
Being too polite to take the last roast potato, and so allowing it to be thrown away
Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman "I think this guy was next" and you're not thanked
Admitting you're completely indifferent towards Marmite
Staring at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope the person on the phone will get the message
Becoming so furious that you beg someone for their pardon
Feeling awful at work and hoping to be told to go home, yet replying "I'll survive" when asked how you're feeling
Apologising to furniture when you bump into it
Replying "no I don't" when someone says you look good
Not being able to help saying oops when someone else drops something
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Having a Bucks Fizz on Christmas morning and thinking it couldn't hurt to start every morning in similar fashion
An unshakable conviction that one can drink away a cold
Actually favouring the Toffee Penny, but feeling you must pretend otherwise
People who can't wait to call something "very Orwellian" in conversation
Patiently queuing in a queue that turns out not to be a queue at all
Someone who finds it hard swallowing lots of liquid being in the same round as you, yet they insist on drinking pints
Trying to explain that the Waitrose green token in your wallet is an innocent mistake
Feeling guilty taking your M&S Bag For Life into Tesco
The compulsion to be ridiculously friendly to a waiter who has just been treated rudely by a neighbouring table
Tutting at someone, and they hear you
The exhausting exasperation resulting from people who try to enter the lift before you've exited
Revealing you don't like tea and being stared at as if you've just peed on the table
Never failing to underestimate the power of horseradish
Feeling weird asking someone to take their shoes off so just letting them ruin your carpet
Feeling embarrassed to have nicer food than the person behind you at the checkout
Trying not to be rude when you have 28 items of shopping, no bag and are asked if you need a bag
The smaller the hotel kettle, the longer it takes to boil
Thanking someone for letting you go first when you were already ahead of them in the queue
Feeling nervous about the appropriate level of meat preparation to request from a butcher
Looking through the window to the forecourt and saying "erm, number... 4, please" when you already know exactly what pump you just used
Tripping up over nothing and turning to stare furiously at the floor
Asking a taxi driver "been busy?" and then staying silent for the rest of the journey
Switching from "kind regards" to "regards" as a warning that you're dangerously close to losing your temper
Standing ready to exit the train a full 10 minutes before your station
Inviting someone to "drop by anytime", and then they do
Having at least one friend who always insists on going karting for his birthday
Being told an item is 2-for-1 at the till; nobody looks elegant running back through a supermarket searching for a second pack of mince
Getting dressed at the speed of light the instant the masseuse says "I'll just give you 10 minutes to relax"
Pointing at your choice on the menu instead of saying what you'd like, so as not to appear extravagant
Having to open your crisps to the whole table at the pub, regardless of personal hunger, providing a ration of two per person
When you discover your reserved seat on the train to be occupied by someone who looks quite settled, so you stand
Being allowed to expense things at work, but not doing it because you don't want to be a bother
Slathering your poppadom with hot lime pickle in order to look worldly, and instantly ruining your meal
Attempting the "handshake tip" and dropping your £1 coin on the floor. Best left to Americans...
Sneaking a few empties into your regular bin bag so the recycling collectors won't think you have a drinking problem
Calling someone "fella" or "pal" then unexpectedly having to enter into full conversation, which reveals you're not actually Cockney at all
Walking back into the office after having a slightly shorter haircut than normal
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Walking through open barriers at a train station as if smuggling drugs through customs, despite having a ticket
Being more excited to have an airport beer at 7am than you are about any other part of your holiday
Wondering whether to hurl yourself through a window when someone sits next to you on an empty bus
Chuckling after missing a step, despite a powerful suspicion you've just shattered your knee
Watching sadly as someone presses the lift button you've clearly just pressed
Getting stuck holding a door and watching forlornly as your friends disappear over the horizon
Feeling you're having an out-of-body experience as you quietly watch someone making you the wrong sandwich
Receiving an email ending in "regards" and wondering what you've done to cause so much anger
Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end
Constantly performing slightly below par, to ward off any chance of being praised in public
Discovering someone has wreaked havoc with your toaster settings, and deciding not to have guests round again for a while
Dressing in black for at least a month after breaking your favourite mug
The horror of quietly telling your neighbouring diner a joke and, without warning, the whole table listens in
Having an uneasy feeling that the sky has been stockpiling rain for Wimbledon
Worrying you might have just triggered a monsoon by purchasing barbecue food
Striding off in the direction the stranger has just sent you, despite having instantly forgotten every instruction after "turn right"
Saying "we timed that well" at least twelve times after just beating a queue
The curious predicament of spending a fortune on wine each month, yet only ever having one bottle in the rack
Looking into having your hands surgically removed after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind you
Assuring your hairdresser the water temperature is fine, despite a strong suspicion your scalp is beginning to melt
Not wanting to use an emoticon yet worrying you'll come across as sarcastic without one
Having rules regarding which condiment pairs with which meal that are more meticulous than the periodic table
The anxious bewilderment when clocking the stranger deciding to join the queue at your side rather than behind you
Inviting someone to a party, then providing a list of reasons not to come in case they don't fancy it
Glowering at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope it will cause a chatterbox to be ejected through the roof of the train
Speeding up to pass a pavement hog, then feeling you must keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until at least a mile away
Shutting yourself in the wardrobe until the window cleaner has finished and left
Wondering what to do with the 100 bags of charcoal you purchased last week now that summer's over for another year
The distress of discovering your local has stopped serving crisps and is instead offering a scotch egg for seven pounds
Saying "I've tasted better", to indicate that every other thing you've ever tasted has tasted better
The shock of lifting an index finger from the steering wheel to thank a fellow driver and not receiving an acknowledgment finger in return
Bringing out the three-step jog across the forecourt, to show you'll be paying for your petrol as soon as humanly possible
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
Missing winter whenever the faint sound of buzzing causes you to hurl yourself into the nearest cupboard
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you've asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Deciding to spice things up a bit in the bedroom, so switching from pitch-darkness to leaving the hallway light on
Being told you've caught the sun, indicating you're burnt to an absolute crisp
Writing 'good luck' without an exclamation mark on a colleague's leaving card, to show just how much you detested their presence
Saying "It's nothing, really" to indicate you're remarkably close to losing consciousness
Holding the door for someone with the tip of your outstretched foot, to indicate you've really no time to dilly-dally
Not wishing to tell someone they've misheard you, so simply soldiering into a completely different topic of conversation
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed 'cheers', 'ta' and 'nice one'
Leaving it at least a week before publicly stating that, on reflection, your main course wasn't quite up to scratch
Noticing a small patch of blue sky and immediately purchasing 24 cases of Pimm's
Apologetically glancing behind you whenever the cashier says "Who's next please?"
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it's illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
Apprehensively approaching someone to ask if they're in the queue, as if creeping towards a firework that hasn't gone off
Not knowing what face, or indeed noise, to make when someone tells a terrible joke. Or any joke
Reluctantly slowing your walk slightly when sensing a fast-paced stranger about to overtake
Saying left and right at random, rather than admit to the optician that all the lenses seem identical
Feeling it's time to leave the party when someone gets out their guitar
The relief of spotting an empty unreserved seat after discovering somebody has occupied the one you booked
Being unable to recall the last time you ended a conversation without muttering: "Roll on summer, that's what I say"
Going through a door because it's being held for you, regardless of your intended destination
The exhausting "honestly I don't mind where I sit" stand-off before commencing any restaurant meal
Being incapable of entering a lift without whispering "sorry"
Flashing your indicators to thank a fellow motorist, just in case they missed your mini wave, thumbs-up and arm raise
The palpable mass relief when an accidental queue-jumper suddenly realises their mistake and retreats
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Protecting your area at baggage reclaim as if the lives of your family depend on it
The uncomfortable moment when someone realises you've been allowing them to get your name wrong for quite some time
Translating "carpe diem" as "treat yourself to a slightly more expensive loaf of bread"
Sitting awkwardly for your whole journey to accommodate the staggering leg spread of the gentleman beside you
Spending your life squeezing by people, yet never once completing the sentence: "Excuse me, sorry, do you mind if I just..."
Staying in the same job forever to avoid any possible leaving speech scenario
Being resigned to living your entire life without ever experiencing the taste of the last biscuit
The paralysing fear of discovering your train has been replaced by a bus
Telling the doctor you're feeling a bit better so as not to question their treatment plan
Only realising the milk has gone off at the precise moment it's entering your cup
Entering into mild panic if unable to pick the correct amount of change from your hand within three seconds
Saying sorry as a way of catching someone's attention
Feeling the need to pat all your pockets despite knowing full well you don't have your loyalty card
Breaking into a light trot when halfway over a zebra crossing, as if the floor might fall away at any moment
Not quibbling with the unexpectedly high price, despite being certain your choices fully adhere to the rules of the Meal Deal
Arriving at a mini-roundabout at the same time as another driver and knowing you'll be there for some time
Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely at the back of their head
The shock of tasting Earl Grey when you expected otherwise
Resigning yourself to an unusual and arduous train route, rather than risk sharing your commute with a colleague
Writing a terribly modest CV, for fear of appearing boastful
Being prepared to argue to the death at any given moment over your correct method of making tea
Not quite catching someone's name, meaning you can never speak to them again
Stoically accepting your role as a doorman to an unexpectedly long queue of people
Saying you're pleased with your haircut despite the deep inner sadness it's causing you
Nervously hoping not to be seen trying the cashpoint by the person who just told you it isn't working
The "stay put or move" conundrum when the train empties, leaving you sitting unnecessarily with a stranger
Being unable to eat crisps at your desk without worrying that your mouth sounds like a building site
Never failing to feel flabbergasted by the total lack of queuing protocol at bus stops
Never wanting to use an exclamation mark yet worrying you'll come across as miserable without one
Only ever saying thanks and you're welcome at whispering volume during the placement of the Next Customer Please divider
Feeling guilty to be called through to your GP when you were the last to arrive in the waiting room
Being asked which floor you need in a lift, saying "three, please" while pressing the button yourself
Hoping your friend finishes their story so you don't have to miss your bus stop
Being told to enjoy your meal, flight, stay or birthday and replying "Thanks, you too!"
Wondering what you've become when a goodbye wave accidentally turns into a bit of a cheeky salute
Panicking in a sandwich shop and allowing a distressingly odd combination of fillings to happen
The unwelcome surprise of someone telling you how they are after you've asked them how they are
Deciding against a bag of crisps, as you only have a tenner and don't wish to cause any bother
Lying in a star shape for a bit and laughing after slipping over, to let everyone know you're fine with what just happened
Secretly hoping it stays cold so there's always something to talk about
Around half of all things now feature a "Keep calm and..." logo
Allowing your bladder to explode rather than wake a fellow plane passenger
The terror of these words: "And then later I'll ask everyone to stand up and present their ideas to the room"
Never under any circumstance pressing the call button on a plane, in case you disturb the cabin crew
Feeling you must keep your hands excessively on show while in a shop, so as not to be suspected of thievery
Feeling disappointed when encouraged to "do the math"
It's impossible to hum the Ski Sunday theme tune
Feeling mortified to be unable to provide a requested condiment
Holding out your money before the shopkeeper is ready: pull back or stand your ground?
Feeling very uneasy while honouring a request for three sugars
Saying "look, I'm not going to argue with you about this any longer" to subtly indicate you've realised you're wrong
Saying you don't mind when offered a choice, then praying you're left with the option you want
Losing the power of speech while waiting for a waiter's card machine to work
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Deciding which loyalty card to sacrifice to de-ice the windscreen
Sitting in someone's reserved seat and feeling sheer terror until the train has been moving for at least ten minutes
Telling people at the pub to help themselves to chips, and then they do
Wishing someone goodbye and then leaving in the same direction
The phrase: "We're going to put you into groups with people you don't normally get a chance to work with"
Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it
Not asking a friend if they fancy doing something at the weekend, in case they have plans
Discovering it's a push door as you open it for someone, making them squeeze by in a flurry of apologies
Feeling very uncomfortable lying to self checkout about how many of your own bags you just used
Saying nothing as you watch your lettuce-filled sandwich get shoved into a grill
Getting locked into an "after you, I insist" battle of wills with a stranger
Trying and failing to sound enthusiastic whenever asked: "What would you like to get out of today's training session?"
"No no, after you, you were next..." Translation: you were very much not next, you abrasive sod
Noticing someone smiling at you and immediately assuming there's something terribly wrong with your face
Sharing a train with someone who turns the pages of their newspaper as if angrily ripping off a giant plaster
Making a phone call just as your whole office decides to fall silent, causing you to forget how to speak
Saying "correct me if I'm wrong" to indicate that you know you're right and do not wish to be contradicted
Wincing whenever hearing someone ask if they can "get" a coffee
Saying "who's that?" when the phone rings late at night, even if you're alone
Tea bags in the sink
Jumping into the path of a car rather than walk in front of someone taking a photograph
Feeling utter disbelief when someone manages to bring a suitcase-sized item of hand luggage on to the aircraft
The fear of being encouraged to "do that impression you do"
Getting to work early so the least possible number of people notice you're wearing a new jacket
The pure horror of mentioning a song and being asked "how does it go?"
Seeing someone you know walking just ahead you, so stopping dead in the street until they’re completely out of sight
Selflessly permitting the side of your face to be used as a lectern for someone's newspaper on a busy commute
The overwhelming dread which accompanies the sentence: "Before we start let's just go round the table and say a bit about ourselves"
Losing faith in your delivery halfway through telling a joke, so opting to just explain what the punch line was going to be and why
Taking tremendous pride in your ability to keep your full beam on until the very last possible second
Declaring yourself quite chuffed, to indicate you're the most pleased you've ever been
Misjudging the biting point on the squeezy ketchup and unleashing a sauce tsunami towards your bacon sandwich
Being painfully reminded that nothing is more slippery than a road newly paved with kebab meat and chips
Discovering a wet spoon has recently entered the sugar, and vowing not to have guests round again for a while
Asking to sample an ale, disliking it and ordering a whole pint so as not to further waste the barman's time
Calling someone geezer and knowing you haven't pulled it off the instant it leaves your lips
Still kidding yourself well into January that you'll make an experimental quiche using the Brussels sprouts at the back of the fridge
Strictly not drinking in January. Except for beer and wine. And gin for a treat...
Sounding sarcastic no matter how many ways you try saying "that sounds great"
Saying "honestly, it's fine" to warn of your imminent meltdown
The regret of knowing you could have probably handled the vintage cheddar, but at time of buying thought extra mature would suffice
Simply closing your eyes on the tube to shield yourself from the possibility of looking at someone
Being incapable of placing your items on the counter in a newsagent’s shop without saying “just these please”
Taking your food out of the office microwave while it's still quite cold, so as not to keep the queue waiting
The impossibility of eating a Jaffa Cake without someone bringing up THAT debate
No longer smiling when the camera hasn't worked for a third time, yet still forcing out the word cheese
Waiting for the person reading the paper over your shoulder to finish before turning the page
Worrying you'll be suspected a thief if exiting a shop without making a purchase
Apologising to someone because you think they may have dialled the wrong number
Saying that somebody's comment is certainly food for thought, as an indication that your last thought ever on the matter has just occurred
Missing your tea's optimum drinking temperature by seconds
Getting stuck in a "fine thanks, how are you?" loop
Deciding whether to ask "how are you doing?" or "how's it going?", then getting flustered and asking "how's it doing?"
Accidentally saying you're welcome too loudly when someone hasn't thanked you, and smiling politely when they look straight at you
The embarrassment when your friend carries on a conversation with you after the doors of a crowded lift have closed
Saying you'll bear something in mind, thus indicating your plan to forget all about it almost immediately
Apologising at work for asking to take the time off you didn't take last year
Finding someone examining the goods you need in the supermarket, so pretending to inspect another item until they leave
Feeling lost when you turn to wave & say "thanks very much, cheers, ta" before exiting the pub, only to find there's not a barman in sight
Saying "thanks very much, cheers, ta" as a way of thanking someone once
Saying oops-a-daisy
Feeling devastated when someone appears to have better knowledge of motorway routes than you
Offering your seat to an elderly person who on closer inspection turns out to be younger than first thought, so you both stand
Saying something was quite good to indicate how truly terrible it was
Telling someone you're speaking to them with all due respect to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely
Not being able to eat pork scratchings without someone telling you they're disgusting
Apologising for having a shopping trolley ram into your leg
Asking a shopkeeper if they mind if you buy something from their shop
Being required by law to drink ferociously on the last day of a bank holiday, even though you have work the next day
Going to a market, haggling someone down to the tune of 10p and acting as if you're Del Boy for the rest of the day
Noticing someone hasn't realised there's a queue and hoping someone else will say something before your head explodes
Feeling compelled to actually say the word delete when deleting something
The faint hope that you'll look like James Bond every time you put on a tuxedo, only to more closely resemble Ronnie Corbett
Not being able to fit food in half your kitchen cupboards because they're being used to store 83 bags for life
Unleashing the wave/thumbs-up combo when particularly pleased to have been allowed to cross the road
Putting your hand up when there's a problem at the self-service checkout, regardless of the huge flashing light
Feeling guilty for making traffic stop at the lights when you need to cross the road
Thanking the cashpoint for bestowing your money
Being terribly sorry for not smoking, and then giving directions towards someone who possibly has a lighter
Not fancying a whole bottle of wine so just buying three mini bottles instead
Thinking that using a tray in a pub is a sign of weakness
Failing to understand someone, begging their pardon three times and then just nodding and smiling
Finding your favourite part of the Sunday papers is missing and taking it as a sign that the day will not go well
Saying cheers to whoever's in the lift as the doors open at your floor
Accidentally choosing a motorway service station where you have to cross a bridge to use the toilet
Falling over and apologising to the person helping you up
Becoming so livid with the poor service you're receiving that you go straight home to consider writing a letter
Circling the car park for an hour rather than park half a minute's walk from the supermarket entrance
Not being able to cope when there are two of you in a tapas bar and you're given three of everything
Wondering if it's acceptable for you to have a glass of wine on Saturday morning because they do it on Saturday Kitchen
Feeling your life needs a change of direction and so buying a cheese you've never tried before
Hoping somebody else pushes the stop button, so as not to be the one who inconveniences the bus driver
Getting a bit too excited when you see your home town on the news
Using the word flabbergasted
Feeling flabbergasted when someone loads their shopping at the till but doesn't use the "next customer please" dividing baton
Going in a pub to use the loo and pretending to look for a friend all the way into the toilet
Thanking people under your breath as punishment for them not thanking you
Getting soaked while using your own umbrella to cover a friend's head
Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit
People you don't know who think it appropriate to mix a hug into a handshake
Not correcting someone when they mistake you for a shop assistant
Sending someone an angry email, seeing them before they've read it... Pretending everything's fine
Going to your doctor, they ask how you are, you reply "I'm fine, thank you"
Asking a taxi driver if he minds stopping at the cashpoint, as if there's a chance he'd prefer it if you didn't pay
Gearing yourself up for a rant then receiving very good customer service before you can unleash, making you even more irritated
Being powerless to the urge to take photographs of heavy rain
Being required by law to have a pint and a fry up in an airport, regardless of the fact it's 6am and you fancy neither
Being too polite to take the last roast potato, and so allowing it to be thrown away
Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman "I think this guy was next" and you're not thanked
Admitting you're completely indifferent towards Marmite
Staring at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope the person on the phone will get the message
Becoming so furious that you beg someone for their pardon
Feeling awful at work and hoping to be told to go home, yet replying "I'll survive" when asked how you're feeling
Apologising to furniture when you bump into it
Replying "no I don't" when someone says you look good
Not being able to help saying oops when someone else drops something
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Having a Bucks Fizz on Christmas morning and thinking it couldn't hurt to start every morning in similar fashion
An unshakable conviction that one can drink away a cold
Actually favouring the Toffee Penny, but feeling you must pretend otherwise
People who can't wait to call something "very Orwellian" in conversation
Patiently queuing in a queue that turns out not to be a queue at all
Someone who finds it hard swallowing lots of liquid being in the same round as you, yet they insist on drinking pints
Trying to explain that the Waitrose green token in your wallet is an innocent mistake
Feeling guilty taking your M&S Bag For Life into Tesco
The compulsion to be ridiculously friendly to a waiter who has just been treated rudely by a neighbouring table
Tutting at someone, and they hear you
The exhausting exasperation resulting from people who try to enter the lift before you've exited
Revealing you don't like tea and being stared at as if you've just peed on the table
Never failing to underestimate the power of horseradish
Feeling weird asking someone to take their shoes off so just letting them ruin your carpet
Feeling embarrassed to have nicer food than the person behind you at the checkout
Trying not to be rude when you have 28 items of shopping, no bag and are asked if you need a bag
The smaller the hotel kettle, the longer it takes to boil
Thanking someone for letting you go first when you were already ahead of them in the queue
Feeling nervous about the appropriate level of meat preparation to request from a butcher
Looking through the window to the forecourt and saying "erm, number... 4, please" when you already know exactly what pump you just used
Tripping up over nothing and turning to stare furiously at the floor
Asking a taxi driver "been busy?" and then staying silent for the rest of the journey
Switching from "kind regards" to "regards" as a warning that you're dangerously close to losing your temper
Standing ready to exit the train a full 10 minutes before your station
Inviting someone to "drop by anytime", and then they do
Having at least one friend who always insists on going karting for his birthday
Being told an item is 2-for-1 at the till; nobody looks elegant running back through a supermarket searching for a second pack of mince
Getting dressed at the speed of light the instant the masseuse says "I'll just give you 10 minutes to relax"
Pointing at your choice on the menu instead of saying what you'd like, so as not to appear extravagant
Having to open your crisps to the whole table at the pub, regardless of personal hunger, providing a ration of two per person
When you discover your reserved seat on the train to be occupied by someone who looks quite settled, so you stand
Being allowed to expense things at work, but not doing it because you don't want to be a bother
Slathering your poppadom with hot lime pickle in order to look worldly, and instantly ruining your meal
Attempting the "handshake tip" and dropping your £1 coin on the floor. Best left to Americans...
Sneaking a few empties into your regular bin bag so the recycling collectors won't think you have a drinking problem
Calling someone "fella" or "pal" then unexpectedly having to enter into full conversation, which reveals you're not actually Cockney at all
Walking back into the office after having a slightly shorter haircut than normal
Being more excited to have an airport beer at 7am than you are about any other part of your holiday
Wondering whether to hurl yourself through a window when someone sits next to you on an empty bus
Chuckling after missing a step, despite a powerful suspicion you've just shattered your knee
Watching sadly as someone presses the lift button you've clearly just pressed
Getting stuck holding a door and watching forlornly as your friends disappear over the horizon
Feeling you're having an out-of-body experience as you quietly watch someone making you the wrong sandwich
Receiving an email ending in "regards" and wondering what you've done to cause so much anger
Straining not to thank the waiter for every small item he clears, so you can deliver one big thanks at the end
Constantly performing slightly below par, to ward off any chance of being praised in public
Discovering someone has wreaked havoc with your toaster settings, and deciding not to have guests round again for a while
Dressing in black for at least a month after breaking your favourite mug
The horror of quietly telling your neighbouring diner a joke and, without warning, the whole table listens in
Having an uneasy feeling that the sky has been stockpiling rain for Wimbledon
Worrying you might have just triggered a monsoon by purchasing barbecue food
Striding off in the direction the stranger has just sent you, despite having instantly forgotten every instruction after "turn right"
Saying "we timed that well" at least twelve times after just beating a queue
The curious predicament of spending a fortune on wine each month, yet only ever having one bottle in the rack
Looking into having your hands surgically removed after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind you
Assuring your hairdresser the water temperature is fine, despite a strong suspicion your scalp is beginning to melt
Not wanting to use an emoticon yet worrying you'll come across as sarcastic without one
Having rules regarding which condiment pairs with which meal that are more meticulous than the periodic table
The anxious bewilderment when clocking the stranger deciding to join the queue at your side rather than behind you
Inviting someone to a party, then providing a list of reasons not to come in case they don't fancy it
Glowering at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope it will cause a chatterbox to be ejected through the roof of the train
Speeding up to pass a pavement hog, then feeling you must keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until at least a mile away
Shutting yourself in the wardrobe until the window cleaner has finished and left
Wondering what to do with the 100 bags of charcoal you purchased last week now that summer's over for another year
The distress of discovering your local has stopped serving crisps and is instead offering a scotch egg for seven pounds
Saying "I've tasted better", to indicate that every other thing you've ever tasted has tasted better
The shock of lifting an index finger from the steering wheel to thank a fellow driver and not receiving an acknowledgment finger in return
Bringing out the three-step jog across the forecourt, to show you'll be paying for your petrol as soon as humanly possible
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
Missing winter whenever the faint sound of buzzing causes you to hurl yourself into the nearest cupboard
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you've asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Deciding to spice things up a bit in the bedroom, so switching from pitch-darkness to leaving the hallway light on
Being told you've caught the sun, indicating you're burnt to an absolute crisp
Writing 'good luck' without an exclamation mark on a colleague's leaving card, to show just how much you detested their presence
Saying "It's nothing, really" to indicate you're remarkably close to losing consciousness
Holding the door for someone with the tip of your outstretched foot, to indicate you've really no time to dilly-dally
Not wishing to tell someone they've misheard you, so simply soldiering into a completely different topic of conversation
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed 'cheers', 'ta' and 'nice one'
Leaving it at least a week before publicly stating that, on reflection, your main course wasn't quite up to scratch
Noticing a small patch of blue sky and immediately purchasing 24 cases of Pimm's
Apologetically glancing behind you whenever the cashier says "Who's next please?"
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it's illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
Apprehensively approaching someone to ask if they're in the queue, as if creeping towards a firework that hasn't gone off
Not knowing what face, or indeed noise, to make when someone tells a terrible joke. Or any joke
Reluctantly slowing your walk slightly when sensing a fast-paced stranger about to overtake
Saying left and right at random, rather than admit to the optician that all the lenses seem identical
Feeling it's time to leave the party when someone gets out their guitar
The relief of spotting an empty unreserved seat after discovering somebody has occupied the one you booked
Being unable to recall the last time you ended a conversation without muttering: "Roll on summer, that's what I say"
Going through a door because it's being held for you, regardless of your intended destination
The exhausting "honestly I don't mind where I sit" stand-off before commencing any restaurant meal
Being incapable of entering a lift without whispering "sorry"
Flashing your indicators to thank a fellow motorist, just in case they missed your mini wave, thumbs-up and arm raise
The palpable mass relief when an accidental queue-jumper suddenly realises their mistake and retreats
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Protecting your area at baggage reclaim as if the lives of your family depend on it
The uncomfortable moment when someone realises you've been allowing them to get your name wrong for quite some time
Translating "carpe diem" as "treat yourself to a slightly more expensive loaf of bread"
Sitting awkwardly for your whole journey to accommodate the staggering leg spread of the gentleman beside you
Spending your life squeezing by people, yet never once completing the sentence: "Excuse me, sorry, do you mind if I just..."
Staying in the same job forever to avoid any possible leaving speech scenario
Being resigned to living your entire life without ever experiencing the taste of the last biscuit
The paralysing fear of discovering your train has been replaced by a bus
Telling the doctor you're feeling a bit better so as not to question their treatment plan
Only realising the milk has gone off at the precise moment it's entering your cup
Entering into mild panic if unable to pick the correct amount of change from your hand within three seconds
Saying sorry as a way of catching someone's attention
Feeling the need to pat all your pockets despite knowing full well you don't have your loyalty card
Breaking into a light trot when halfway over a zebra crossing, as if the floor might fall away at any moment
Not quibbling with the unexpectedly high price, despite being certain your choices fully adhere to the rules of the Meal Deal
Arriving at a mini-roundabout at the same time as another driver and knowing you'll be there for some time
Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely at the back of their head
The shock of tasting Earl Grey when you expected otherwise
Resigning yourself to an unusual and arduous train route, rather than risk sharing your commute with a colleague
Writing a terribly modest CV, for fear of appearing boastful
Being prepared to argue to the death at any given moment over your correct method of making tea
Not quite catching someone's name, meaning you can never speak to them again
Stoically accepting your role as a doorman to an unexpectedly long queue of people
Saying you're pleased with your haircut despite the deep inner sadness it's causing you
Nervously hoping not to be seen trying the cashpoint by the person who just told you it isn't working
The "stay put or move" conundrum when the train empties, leaving you sitting unnecessarily with a stranger
Being unable to eat crisps at your desk without worrying that your mouth sounds like a building site
Never failing to feel flabbergasted by the total lack of queuing protocol at bus stops
Never wanting to use an exclamation mark yet worrying you'll come across as miserable without one
Only ever saying thanks and you're welcome at whispering volume during the placement of the Next Customer Please divider
Feeling guilty to be called through to your GP when you were the last to arrive in the waiting room
Being asked which floor you need in a lift, saying "three, please" while pressing the button yourself
Hoping your friend finishes their story so you don't have to miss your bus stop
Being told to enjoy your meal, flight, stay or birthday and replying "Thanks, you too!"
Wondering what you've become when a goodbye wave accidentally turns into a bit of a cheeky salute
Panicking in a sandwich shop and allowing a distressingly odd combination of fillings to happen
The unwelcome surprise of someone telling you how they are after you've asked them how they are
Deciding against a bag of crisps, as you only have a tenner and don't wish to cause any bother
Lying in a star shape for a bit and laughing after slipping over, to let everyone know you're fine with what just happened
Secretly hoping it stays cold so there's always something to talk about
Around half of all things now feature a "Keep calm and..." logo
Allowing your bladder to explode rather than wake a fellow plane passenger
The terror of these words: "And then later I'll ask everyone to stand up and present their ideas to the room"
Never under any circumstance pressing the call button on a plane, in case you disturb the cabin crew
Feeling you must keep your hands excessively on show while in a shop, so as not to be suspected of thievery
Feeling disappointed when encouraged to "do the math"
It's impossible to hum the Ski Sunday theme tune
Feeling mortified to be unable to provide a requested condiment
Holding out your money before the shopkeeper is ready: pull back or stand your ground?
Feeling very uneasy while honouring a request for three sugars
Saying "look, I'm not going to argue with you about this any longer" to subtly indicate you've realised you're wrong
Saying you don't mind when offered a choice, then praying you're left with the option you want
Losing the power of speech while waiting for a waiter's card machine to work
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Deciding which loyalty card to sacrifice to de-ice the windscreen
Sitting in someone's reserved seat and feeling sheer terror until the train has been moving for at least ten minutes
Telling people at the pub to help themselves to chips, and then they do
Wishing someone goodbye and then leaving in the same direction
The phrase: "We're going to put you into groups with people you don't normally get a chance to work with"
Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it
Not asking a friend if they fancy doing something at the weekend, in case they have plans
Discovering it's a push door as you open it for someone, making them squeeze by in a flurry of apologies
Feeling very uncomfortable lying to self checkout about how many of your own bags you just used
Saying nothing as you watch your lettuce-filled sandwich get shoved into a grill
Getting locked into an "after you, I insist" battle of wills with a stranger
Trying and failing to sound enthusiastic whenever asked: "What would you like to get out of today's training session?"
"No no, after you, you were next..." Translation: you were very much not next, you abrasive sod
Noticing someone smiling at you and immediately assuming there's something terribly wrong with your face
Sharing a train with someone who turns the pages of their newspaper as if angrily ripping off a giant plaster
Making a phone call just as your whole office decides to fall silent, causing you to forget how to speak
Saying "correct me if I'm wrong" to indicate that you know you're right and do not wish to be contradicted
Wincing whenever hearing someone ask if they can "get" a coffee
Saying "who's that?" when the phone rings late at night, even if you're alone
Tea bags in the sink
Jumping into the path of a car rather than walk in front of someone taking a photograph
Feeling utter disbelief when someone manages to bring a suitcase-sized item of hand luggage on to the aircraft
The fear of being encouraged to "do that impression you do"
Getting to work early so the least possible number of people notice you're wearing a new jacket
The pure horror of mentioning a song and being asked "how does it go?"
Seeing someone you know walking just ahead you, so stopping dead in the street until they’re completely out of sight
Selflessly permitting the side of your face to be used as a lectern for someone's newspaper on a busy commute
The overwhelming dread which accompanies the sentence: "Before we start let's just go round the table and say a bit about ourselves"
Losing faith in your delivery halfway through telling a joke, so opting to just explain what the punch line was going to be and why
Taking tremendous pride in your ability to keep your full beam on until the very last possible second
Declaring yourself quite chuffed, to indicate you're the most pleased you've ever been
Misjudging the biting point on the squeezy ketchup and unleashing a sauce tsunami towards your bacon sandwich
Being painfully reminded that nothing is more slippery than a road newly paved with kebab meat and chips
Discovering a wet spoon has recently entered the sugar, and vowing not to have guests round again for a while
Asking to sample an ale, disliking it and ordering a whole pint so as not to further waste the barman's time
Calling someone geezer and knowing you haven't pulled it off the instant it leaves your lips
Still kidding yourself well into January that you'll make an experimental quiche using the Brussels sprouts at the back of the fridge
Strictly not drinking in January. Except for beer and wine. And gin for a treat...
Sounding sarcastic no matter how many ways you try saying "that sounds great"
Saying "honestly, it's fine" to warn of your imminent meltdown
The regret of knowing you could have probably handled the vintage cheddar, but at time of buying thought extra mature would suffice
Simply closing your eyes on the tube to shield yourself from the possibility of looking at someone
Being incapable of placing your items on the counter in a newsagent’s shop without saying “just these please”
Taking your food out of the office microwave while it's still quite cold, so as not to keep the queue waiting
The impossibility of eating a Jaffa Cake without someone bringing up THAT debate
No longer smiling when the camera hasn't worked for a third time, yet still forcing out the word cheese
Waiting for the person reading the paper over your shoulder to finish before turning the page
Worrying you'll be suspected a thief if exiting a shop without making a purchase
Apologising to someone because you think they may have dialled the wrong number
Saying that somebody's comment is certainly food for thought, as an indication that your last thought ever on the matter has just occurred
Missing your tea's optimum drinking temperature by seconds
Getting stuck in a "fine thanks, how are you?" loop
Deciding whether to ask "how are you doing?" or "how's it going?", then getting flustered and asking "how's it doing?"
Accidentally saying you're welcome too loudly when someone hasn't thanked you, and smiling politely when they look straight at you
The embarrassment when your friend carries on a conversation with you after the doors of a crowded lift have closed
Saying you'll bear something in mind, thus indicating your plan to forget all about it almost immediately
Apologising at work for asking to take the time off you didn't take last year
Finding someone examining the goods you need in the supermarket, so pretending to inspect another item until they leave
Feeling lost when you turn to wave & say "thanks very much, cheers, ta" before exiting the pub, only to find there's not a barman in sight
Saying "thanks very much, cheers, ta" as a way of thanking someone once
Saying oops-a-daisy
Feeling devastated when someone appears to have better knowledge of motorway routes than you
Offering your seat to an elderly person who on closer inspection turns out to be younger than first thought, so you both stand
Saying something was quite good to indicate how truly terrible it was
Telling someone you're speaking to them with all due respect to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely
Not being able to eat pork scratchings without someone telling you they're disgusting
Apologising for having a shopping trolley ram into your leg
Asking a shopkeeper if they mind if you buy something from their shop
Being required by law to drink ferociously on the last day of a bank holiday, even though you have work the next day
Going to a market, haggling someone down to the tune of 10p and acting as if you're Del Boy for the rest of the day
Noticing someone hasn't realised there's a queue and hoping someone else will say something before your head explodes
Feeling compelled to actually say the word delete when deleting something
The faint hope that you'll look like James Bond every time you put on a tuxedo, only to more closely resemble Ronnie Corbett
Not being able to fit food in half your kitchen cupboards because they're being used to store 83 bags for life
Unleashing the wave/thumbs-up combo when particularly pleased to have been allowed to cross the road
Putting your hand up when there's a problem at the self-service checkout, regardless of the huge flashing light
Feeling guilty for making traffic stop at the lights when you need to cross the road
Thanking the cashpoint for bestowing your money
Being terribly sorry for not smoking, and then giving directions towards someone who possibly has a lighter
Not fancying a whole bottle of wine so just buying three mini bottles instead
Thinking that using a tray in a pub is a sign of weakness
Failing to understand someone, begging their pardon three times and then just nodding and smiling
Finding your favourite part of the Sunday papers is missing and taking it as a sign that the day will not go well
Saying cheers to whoever's in the lift as the doors open at your floor
Accidentally choosing a motorway service station where you have to cross a bridge to use the toilet
Falling over and apologising to the person helping you up
Becoming so livid with the poor service you're receiving that you go straight home to consider writing a letter
Circling the car park for an hour rather than park half a minute's walk from the supermarket entrance
Not being able to cope when there are two of you in a tapas bar and you're given three of everything
Wondering if it's acceptable for you to have a glass of wine on Saturday morning because they do it on Saturday Kitchen
Feeling your life needs a change of direction and so buying a cheese you've never tried before
Hoping somebody else pushes the stop button, so as not to be the one who inconveniences the bus driver
Getting a bit too excited when you see your home town on the news
Using the word flabbergasted
Feeling flabbergasted when someone loads their shopping at the till but doesn't use the "next customer please" dividing baton
Going in a pub to use the loo and pretending to look for a friend all the way into the toilet
Thanking people under your breath as punishment for them not thanking you
Getting soaked while using your own umbrella to cover a friend's head
Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit
People you don't know who think it appropriate to mix a hug into a handshake
Not correcting someone when they mistake you for a shop assistant
Sending someone an angry email, seeing them before they've read it... Pretending everything's fine
Going to your doctor, they ask how you are, you reply "I'm fine, thank you"
Asking a taxi driver if he minds stopping at the cashpoint, as if there's a chance he'd prefer it if you didn't pay
Gearing yourself up for a rant then receiving very good customer service before you can unleash, making you even more irritated
Being powerless to the urge to take photographs of heavy rain
Being required by law to have a pint and a fry up in an airport, regardless of the fact it's 6am and you fancy neither
Being too polite to take the last roast potato, and so allowing it to be thrown away
Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman "I think this guy was next" and you're not thanked
Admitting you're completely indifferent towards Marmite
Staring at the Quiet Coach sign in the hope the person on the phone will get the message
Becoming so furious that you beg someone for their pardon
Feeling awful at work and hoping to be told to go home, yet replying "I'll survive" when asked how you're feeling
Apologising to furniture when you bump into it
Replying "no I don't" when someone says you look good
Not being able to help saying oops when someone else drops something
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Having a Bucks Fizz on Christmas morning and thinking it couldn't hurt to start every morning in similar fashion
An unshakable conviction that one can drink away a cold
Actually favouring the Toffee Penny, but feeling you must pretend otherwise
People who can't wait to call something "very Orwellian" in conversation
Patiently queuing in a queue that turns out not to be a queue at all
Someone who finds it hard swallowing lots of liquid being in the same round as you, yet they insist on drinking pints
Trying to explain that the Waitrose green token in your wallet is an innocent mistake
Feeling guilty taking your M&S Bag For Life into Tesco
The compulsion to be ridiculously friendly to a waiter who has just been treated rudely by a neighbouring table
Tutting at someone, and they hear you
The exhausting exasperation resulting from people who try to enter the lift before you've exited
Revealing you don't like tea and being stared at as if you've just peed on the table
Never failing to underestimate the power of horseradish
Feeling weird asking someone to take their shoes off so just letting them ruin your carpet
Feeling embarrassed to have nicer food than the person behind you at the checkout
Trying not to be rude when you have 28 items of shopping, no bag and are asked if you need a bag
The smaller the hotel kettle, the longer it takes to boil
Thanking someone for letting you go first when you were already ahead of them in the queue
Feeling nervous about the appropriate level of meat preparation to request from a butcher
Looking through the window to the forecourt and saying "erm, number... 4, please" when you already know exactly what pump you just used
Tripping up over nothing and turning to stare furiously at the floor
Asking a taxi driver "been busy?" and then staying silent for the rest of the journey
Switching from "kind regards" to "regards" as a warning that you're dangerously close to losing your temper
Standing ready to exit the train a full 10 minutes before your station
Inviting someone to "drop by anytime", and then they do
Having at least one friend who always insists on going karting for his birthday
Being told an item is 2-for-1 at the till; nobody looks elegant running back through a supermarket searching for a second pack of mince
Getting dressed at the speed of light the instant the masseuse says "I'll just give you 10 minutes to relax"
Pointing at your choice on the menu instead of saying what you'd like, so as not to appear extravagant
Having to open your crisps to the whole table at the pub, regardless of personal hunger, providing a ration of two per person
When you discover your reserved seat on the train to be occupied by someone who looks quite settled, so you stand
Being allowed to expense things at work, but not doing it because you don't want to be a bother
Slathering your poppadom with hot lime pickle in order to look worldly, and instantly ruining your meal
Attempting the "handshake tip" and dropping your £1 coin on the floor. Best left to Americans...
Sneaking a few empties into your regular bin bag so the recycling collectors won't think you have a drinking problem
Calling someone "fella" or "pal" then unexpectedly having to enter into full conversation, which reveals you're not actually Cockney at all
Walking back into the office after having a slightly shorter haircut than normal