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Ok just to warn you younger lot, some of these might be a bit rude, but nothing really rude that I shouldn't put up.
It's nothin you won't learn at school.
1)A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
2)A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.
"Who is it?"
"Blind man," came the response.
Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.
The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
3)There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," said one of the cyclists.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."
3)An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed £10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in £20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"
4)A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee "I'd like to buy that TV". The employee replies "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes", and the blonde leaves the store.
The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says "I wish to buy that TV", to which the employee replies again "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes". The blonde leaves the store...
The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says "I would like to buy that TV". The employee replies again "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, "I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?". "Well", says the man, "that's not a TV, it's a microwave."
5)Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Well thats it for now. I might have some more for later. If you know any good jokes then post them here.
It's nothin you won't learn at school.
1)A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
2)A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.
"Who is it?"
"Blind man," came the response.
Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.
The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
3)There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," said one of the cyclists.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."
3)An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed £10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in £20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"
4)A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee "I'd like to buy that TV". The employee replies "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes", and the blonde leaves the store.
The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says "I wish to buy that TV", to which the employee replies again "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes". The blonde leaves the store...
The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says "I would like to buy that TV". The employee replies again "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, "I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?". "Well", says the man, "that's not a TV, it's a microwave."
5)Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Well thats it for now. I might have some more for later. If you know any good jokes then post them here.
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POP
The microwave and the Microsoft were good.
I'm sorry but am I the only one who kind of liked those?
I'm sorry but am I the only one who kind of liked those?
Mr Wackey Woodman, which country are you from and which country do you currently live in might I ask?
Yup...Genius isn't it. Took me ages to think up such a witty and unique username.
...I wanted Chris D but it was taken.
...I wanted Chris D but it was taken.
†HÊ_MÅÐMÃÑ wrote:
> cdouch i dont get your name it confuses me
I think his name is Chris Douch...
> cdouch i dont get your name it confuses me
I think his name is Chris Douch...
This jokes are soooo bad!
Oh it's funny...
Oh it's funny...
Wackey_Woodman wrote:
> †HÊ_MÅÐMÃÑ wrote:
> im crying my heart out well i would be if there where how the title
> explained
>
> It mean you laugh so hard you cry.
yeah i know what you meant
> †HÊ_MÅÐMÃÑ wrote:
> im crying my heart out well i would be if there where how the title
> explained
>
> It mean you laugh so hard you cry.
yeah i know what you meant
cdouch i dont get your name it confuses me
And you told it wrong, when the man comes in he says "Nice t**s...now where should I hang the blind?'
In response to joke number 2: Someone watches Vicar Of Dibbly.
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