Viewing Thread:
"Real Life/Films/Games - a study of realism (and some jokes)"

People say films (especially action films) are unrealistic.

But I say there's a worse culprit - computer games

The following is an evaluation of "Real life/Films/Games" - where I will show what happens in real life, what happens in a film, and what happens in a game. You may not get some of them if you haven't played the game I'm talking about, but you should get most of them



1. Aliens attack Earth -

Real Life - They destroy the earth, wiping out the world as we know it

Films - They ALMOST destroy the earth, but after an hour and a half the Americans defeat them

Games - They send one man, with a big gun, to sort them out



2. Terrorists take over a building -

Real Life - Negotiators come in, and peacefully talk the terrorists down

Films - They send "the best" - someone who's the best at whatever it is he does. Usually, he's already in the building, otherwise he goes in with a team of men. All his men are killed, and he takes out the terrorists, while making wise cracks

Games - They send one man in through the roof, who kills everyone, probably even some hostages, without talking at all


3. Russia launches nuclear missiles

Real Life - America shoots down the missiles before they hit anywhere

Films - A crack team of commandos is sent to Russia to disarm the nukes before they hit

Games - They send a guy in a plane with a big gun and tell him to shoot the missiles


4. A man's friend is murdered

Real Life - He mourns for his friend, and after some years gets over it

Films - He tracks down the murderer, kills him, and sleeps with his friend's widow

Games - He goes on a huge killing spree, taking him all over the globe, while uncovering a huge conspiracy. The police don't seem to mind this at all.


5. You're with a large group, and you're taken hostage

Real Life - You're put with the group and have to sit and wait

Films - You escape

Games - You manage to get a gun, and proceed to save everyone


6. A large force of aliens in unleashed at a lab in New Mexico

Real Life - Everyone is slaughtered

Films - The army is brought in to sort it out

Games - One of the scientists manages to survive, and learns how to operate firearms. The troops sent in are actually bad guys too.


7. You're shot in the leg

Real Life - You fall down, screaming

Films - You spray blood everywhere, and limp the rest of the film

Games - You keep walking towards the guy shooting at you, and kill him


8. You're shot in the head

Real Life - You die

Films - You die

Games - You find a health pack, and a few bandages later, you're back to full health


9. You need to get somewhere in a building

Real Life - You find a map, and work your way there

Films - You crawl into the air vents

Games - You walk into the air vents, which just happen to lead exactly where you want to go


10. You're on top of a building which is one fire

Real Life - The fire brigade could and get you down

Films - You tie a fire hose around your waste and jump off the building

Games - There's a chopper there, which you happen to know how to pilot. You just fly off


11. You walk around the streets with a gun

Real Life - You're arrested, or shot by special weapons

Films - It's OK, you're probably a policeman anyway

Games - There aren't any cops in the level


12. An enemy soldier looks right at you

Real Life - He shoots you

Films - He shoots, misses, and you shoot him

Games - He just looks right through you, due to bad AI


13. You try and sneak up on someone

Real Life - They hear your footsteps

Films - You ALMOST get up behind them, but you stand on a twig and he hears you

Games - You hold shift, because walking is completely silent. Either that or he stands there and does nothing as you run up and pistol whip him


14. A gun fight breaks out

Real Life - You run and hide, making a mess in your trousers

Films - All bullets aimed at you miss, and you kill everyone in the room

Games - You get shot a hundred times, but it's OK - you're on easy setting


15. Someone fires wildly into the air

Real Life - Everyone runs scared

Films - He fires a thousand shots before running out of ammo

Games - You can see the bullets


16. You punch someone

Real Life - They get up, and either run away or beat the heck out of you

Films - They fall down unconscious

Games - They die, and their body dissolves into the ground


17. You're set on fire

Real Life - You're put out by passers by, or you stop, drop and roll

Films - You run around for half an hour, screaming, before you drop dead

Games - The fire mysteriously goes out, and you're OK


18. You drink some water

Real Life - It quenches your thirst

Films - It quenches your thirst

Games - It puts your health back up to 100


19. You find some body armour

Real Life - You report it to the police

Films - You don't need it - the bad guys never hit you anyway

Games - You walk over it, it disappears and somehow adds itself to the armour you're already wearing


20. You find a plane

Real Life - You walk on by

Films - You get in, fiddle with the controls, guessing what's what. You manage to escape the people chasing you

Games - You get in, press the use key, and fly away


21. You find a gun

Real Life - You report it to the police

Films - You already have one

Games - You walk over it, it disappears and the ammo inside suddenly goes into the gun you're already holding


22. You invade Normandy

Real Life - You and all your friends are cut to pieces

Films - You manage to survive

Games - You manage to dodge heavy machine gun fire, and take out a thousand Germans


23. You're in a martial arts tournament

Real Life - You compete in some matches

Films - You win every match, while uncovering a drugs operation

Games - You throw fireballs out of your fingers and your muscles are huge


24. You run somewhere full speed

Real Life - You get tired and have to stop

Films - You run for a long time, usually running on adrenaline because you're being chased. You eventually have to stop

Games - You have Caps Lock on, no walking for you!


25. You go up to a doctor, requiring medical attention

Real Life - He takes you into hospital, or performs first aid

Films - He tells you it's "just a flesh wound" and patches you up

Games - He injects you, and your health goes back up


26. You're being shot at by a group of thugs

Real Life - You hide, and call 999 if you have your mobile

Films - You get into a huge gunfight

Games - You slow down time and dodge bullets


27. You shoot a rocket launcher at a wall

Real Life - You get blown back, you leave a hole in the wall. You get arrested

Films - You blow a hole in the wall, leading to somewhere you need to be

Games - You leave a scorch mark


28. You're bitten by a zombie

Real Life - Zombies?

Films - The disease kills you and soon you'll be a member of the undead

Games - You mix some herbs together and you're feeling fine again


29. You jump

Real Life - You get a certain height/distance, and land again

Films - You leap over a huge gap

Games - You make a grunting noise. Every time you jump


30. You look down

Real Life - You see your shoes

Films - You see where you would be wearing shoes, if you weren't in Die Hard

Games - You see a black circle which is meant to be your shadow


31. Someone pulls a gun on you

Real Life - You cack your pants

Films - You grab their arm and struggle with them for the weapon

Games - You strafe right, shooting lasers at them


32. You build a house

Real Life - You spend weeks/months laying the foundation, bricks etc etc

Films - You start work, then it cuts to you after you've finished building it

Games - You kneel down, and hit the same piece of wood with a hammer for 30 seconds while the house magically builds itself


33. You smash your car into another vehicle


Real Life - You get out and swap insurance details

Films - You reverse out of them, and keep chasing whoever it is you're after

Games - Their car explodes, yours is fine


34. You want to join the mafia

Real Life - You don't

Films - You grow up with someone in one of the "families"

Games - You shoot someone, and answer a phone


35. You empty a gun's magazine

Real Life - You fumble for the next clip, checking your belt

Films - Reload? In an action film? Well, when it DOES happen, they just pull another one from their pocket

Games - The magazine is apparently already in your hand ready for you, and you slap it in in under a second



36. Someone phones you

Real Life - You have a long conversation, and make some jokes

Films - You don't say hello, you talk for about three seconds, then don't say goodbye and hang up

Games - You hear the voice of the person you're talking to... but not your own


37. Someone says something you didn't quite make out

Real Life - You say "pardon?"

Films - You hit them with your gun and tell them to speak louder

Games - It's OK, you checked the subtitles option, you can read what they said


38. You watch TV

Real Life - You sit and watch for a few hours

Films - Just as you start watching, a news bulletin comes on telling you of a hostage situation/earth quake/nuclear war/aliens invading

Games - There's sound, but the TV has the same picture on, and you can't change the channel


39. You die

Real Life - Who knows? Heaven? (Ant would have you believe so)

Films - It's the end of the film, and films are always better when the hero dies at the end

Games - You lose a life


40. You eat some mushrooms

Real Life - You go on a bad trip, hallucinate and possibly even die

Films - You smile and act like you're high

Games - You either grow twice as big, or shoot fire


41. You fall off your skateboard

Real Life - You feel a lot of pain

Films - You get up, and proceed to win the Skateboarding World Championship because it was your uncle's last wish

Games - You scrape your knees all over the concrete, make a grunting noise, lose a lot of blood, then get up and your board magically appears back on your feet


42. You're bitten by an animal/dinosaur/alien

Real Life - You bandage the wound and get a rabies injection

Films - You lose an arm, leg, head, or entire torso

Games - It just kind of scratches you, and even when it does bite, you just see red for a second, and then shoot it


43. You discover how to travel in time

Real Life - You phone the government, or get it patented and make a lot of money

Films - You don't tell anyone, and instead jump in to test it

Games - You go through, taking a gun just incase, and end up using it - a lot


44. You're in a war

Real Life - You break down at the sight of all your friends being cut down one by one

Films - Your best friend bites it, but you keep going

Games - You can take 10 times more bullets than anyone else - making you the world's best soldier


45. You open a door

Real Life - You... um... open it

Films - You kick it down

Games - You open it while holding a gun with both hands (maybe you're telepathic)


46. You come across a tank

Real Life - You wonder what the heck a tank is doing here

Films - It suddenly starts shooting at you

Games - You hop in, because you can run, reload, shoot and aim a tank all by yourself


47. You shoot a guy with a shotgun

Real Life - He dies

Films - He flies back on a wire and lands in some crates

Games - His arms and legs fall off, and his intestines spill out onto the floor


48. You want to go exploring

Real Life - You spend a lot of money on lessons, a guide and supplies

Films - You phone your friend, or you yourself used to be an expert climber

Games - You squeeze into the tightest shorts and top, get two guns, and run around jumping from one ledge to the other


49. You want to carry something

Real Life - You struggle to carry it if it's heavy

Films - It's OK, you're probably a weight lifter

Games - You're already carrying two pistols, a shotgun, a heavy machine gun, thirty grenades, a sniper rifle and a rocket launcher, while still being able to run full speed. A little more wouldn't hurt.


50. You kick down a door into a room with a group of people sat around a table

Real Life - You sheepishly apologise while you try and fix the door

Films - You say a witty one liner, and proceed to blow everyone away

Games - Everyone jumps up from their seat and shouts out "Get him!" "There he is!" "Eat lead" or another terribly acted line, then shoot at you


51. You pick a random direction and just walk

Real Life - More than likely you'll get lost

Films - You just happen to stumble upon an enemy base/drug factory/POW camp

Games - You only get so far before you walk into an invisible wall where the level ends


52. You're leading a team of people somewhere

Real Life - You cook stuff over an open fire at night

Films - They're a team of commandos and you enter a building and eliminate someone

Games - They either run off, stand in a doorway blocking the exit or stray into your line of fire


53. Your sister is kidnapped


Real Life - You phone the police

Films - You track her down

Games - You proceed to shoot infinite guys who stand up for you to shoot them, while you reload by ducking. The bad guys couldn't hit a target the size of London


54. Someone talks to you over a radio

Real Life - You hold up your radio, pressing the button, and talk

Films - You hold up your radio, no matter how quiet/loud you speak, they can hear you perfectly

Games - You can hear and speak into the radio without holding it anywhere near you (maybe your brain can receive radio signals)


55. You've been stabbed/shot

Real Life - You phone for an ambulance

Films - Someone stitches you up

Games - Not being affected by it at all, you can, if you want, find a health pack/canteen of water/food/pain killers/magic glowing thing - and you'll be fully healed and ready to keep killing


56. You're Alan Shearer, and you just scored the winning goal in a match against Man U (I'm from Newcastle)

Real Life - You laugh, smile and wave your arms

Films - You're lifted onto the team's shoulders, and every camera in the park takes photos of you

Games - You do a triple back flip into a somersault


57. You walk up to a scientist or security guard

Real Life - They ask what the heck you're doing there

Films - You explain the situation and they go with you

Games - Without saying a word to them they agree to help you, then tell you they won't go any further


58. You hit a crate

Real Life - You leave a mark

Films - You don't - you hit the bad guys

Games - It smashes open, all the wooden pieces disappear and there's conveniently some ammo inside


59. You climb up or down a ladder

Real Life - You carefully go up or down

Films - You slide down

Games - You manage to climb up or down, without using your legs, and while holding a gun with both hands


60. You're in a race

Real Life - You compete

Films - You defeat your evil rival and win

Games - You drive over a flashy thing which gives your car special powers


61. Zombies appear

Real Life - Woah... Um, I guess we all panic

Films - Mass panic, except for some people who escape to a house, a shopping centre or a nuclear silo

Games - They organise a big race where you run over the zombies in your car


62. You're firing a gun

Real Life - You wait until you run out of ammo, then reload

Films - You shoot about 150 bullets, then reload when it's convenient

Games - You can see how many bullets you have, and you reload after firing half a clip, somehow without wasting all the bullets that were left in it when you drop the clip on the floor


63. You get electrocuted

Real Life - You sort of freeze up, and feel really weird afterwards, if you're not taken to hospital that is

Films - You take 10, 000 volts and just shake it off, unless you're the bad guy in which case it kills you

Games - You back away from the electric fence, after losing a bit of health, and run off to blow up a power plant to turn it off


64. You jump out of a building

Real Life - You don't survive

Films - It's OK, you probably have a parachute or something

Games - You lose 50 health, somehow don't break your legs, and keep going


65. Your house in haunted

Real Life - You run out scared

Films - You call a group of scientists who carry proton packs

Games - You shoot them with guns, and they die


66. You've run out of ammo

Real Life - Try and find some more

Films - You punch people until you get some of theirs

Games - It's OK, you just happen to have a knife/crowbar/sword incase of emergencies


67. You hit someone with your car and drive off

Real Life - You live with the guilt the rest of your life

Films - It's OK, it was a bad guy you hit

Games - The police show up immediately, and you give them the run-around, before stealing their car


68. You're arrested

Real Life - You do your time

Films - You fight off gang rape, learn the errors of your ways, and work out everyday

Games - They let you out, and leave a gun right by the police station for you to pick up


69. You're being chased by the police

Real Life - They catch you

Films - You get away with your hostage who has fallen in love with you - or you drive off a cliff

Games - You stop, get out, pull out the flamethrower you had in your pocket, and burn them all one by one as they run into your flames


70. You're making a run on the Death Star

Real Life - You're dreaming

Films - All your friend's ships blow up from one shot, you manage not to get hit

Games - You get shot by Darth Vader himself a hundred times


71. You're playing tennis

Real Life - You have a good game with your friend

Films - You win the tournament, and get the girl

Games - The ball leaves a visible trail, and you do one of the same three victory dances each time you score


72. You're a taxi driver

Real Life - It's your job, you make some money

Films - Someone jumps in and says "Follow that taxi!"

Games - You have to drive people around town, the more exciting ride, the more money you get. Your car can also make your car jump


73. You're running around an enemy base, when twenty plus soldiers come running up

Real Life - You get shot - and die

Films - There's something for you to hide behind, and you shoot them all

Games - There just happens to be some red barrels behind them, which you shoot, and they explode killing everyone except you. Only red barrels though, grey, green, blue, black - they don't work


74. You're in a boxing match

Real Life - Unless you're good, you get the heck beaten out of you

Films - You're just about to lose, when suddenly you remember your dead manager/trainer, and you go on to win

Games - Your boxing gloves start glowing, and you knock them out with one punch


75. You're in a race across a huge city

Real Life - You crash into a huge bus and die

Films - You narrowly miss the bus

Games - You smash into the bus, just as a police car smashes you from behind. You just untangle yourself from them and keep going


76. You want to build a city

Real Life - Well you'd need millions and million and millions of pounds, and a huge construction crew

Films - The government allows you to build a city, and you do

Games - You build houses, connect them with power lines, roads, water pipes, but no telephone lines. You build a nuclear power plant right in the middle and have a prison next to your houses


77. You give a tank an order to go somewhere

Real Life - He does what you say if you outrank him

Films - You flash your police badge and he does what you say

Games - He moves, stops, turns, moves, stops, turns, all the way to where you send him. He takes the longest route possible, and lets people shoot at him on his way


78. You want to build an army

Real Life - You get arrested for having your own personal army

Films - You train them up in two minutes

Games - You build a barracks, and men magically appear from inside, and they only cost $100 each, and you don't need to pay them wages

79. You want your car to go faster

Real Life - You can't, it has a limit

Films - You drive up a ramp

Games - You press the nitro button


80. Four nuclear weapons are stolen

Real Life - The army/special forces is sent to recover them

Films - A crack team of commandos is dispatched

Games - They send one mercenary with a stupid moustache and no sense of humour to shoot a lot of people in the hope that he finds them


81. You need to solve a mystery

Real Life - If it's important, you phone the police

Films - The world's most famous detective shows up

Games - You walk around asking EVERYONE questions, while stealing a lot of items and putting them together to solve puzzles


82. You're a god

Real Life - You're seen as blasphemous

Films - You heal someone

Games - You make a giant monkey and teach him tricks


83. You need to get somewhere in the jungle

Real Life - You try and find a trail to follow

Films - You take out your 12 inch knife and make a trail

Games - There are vines, ledges, platforms for you to use, which take you exactly where you want to go


84. You're the last remaining soldier from a platoon which has been completely wiped out by aliens/monsters

Real Life - You leave

Films - You make a last stand

Games - You proceed to wander around with a pistol and chainsaw looking for the aliens, picking up helmets, bottles and BFGs


85. You're running in a race

Real Life - You run as fast as you can

Films - Everything is in slow motion, but you JUST manage to get in before your evil rival who killed your brother

Games - You push a button repeatedly, making you run faster


86. You live your life

Real Life - You get a job, get married, have kids

Films - You do all that before someone ends it all, then you go off on a killing spree

Games - Someone tells you to get a job by looking on the internet, makes you clean and cook, and builds your house for you. You have kids by asking your partner. You have a baby for three days before they suddenly turn into an 8 year old, then never grow again.


87. You want to manage a football team

Real Life - You get a job and have a hard time keeping them afloat

Films - You're brought in to turn the team around, and eventually win the cup

Games - You pick any team you want, never talk to the players, don't get to watch the matches, and spend your time reading news about transfers


88. The Nazis have begun resurrecting the dead

Real Life - Woah... um, I guess they win WW2

Films - A group of American soldiers are sent to sort it out

Games - They send one American into a dingy castle to kill everything and everyone


89. You want to fight crime

Real Life - You join the police

Films - You become a vigilante

Games - You either run around shooting everyone, or shoot webbing at people which somehow completely covers them


90. You're about to be shot

Real Life - You close your eyes and bite the bullet

Films - Just as you're about to be shot, your friend/girlfriend/partner comes running in and saves you

Games - You put God mode on and laugh like a madman as their bullets bounce off you


91. You want to build a railway/road

Real Life - You get planning permission

Films - Wouldn't make a very interesting film...

Games - You can place railway/road anywhere you want, and even delete it if you're not happy


92. Aliens are going to attack

Real Life - We all die

Films - America saves the day

Games - They form a new type of military with a stupid name, and have you shoot down UFOs, then send troops in to investigate the crash sites


93. You want to kill a zombie

Real Life - Zombies?

Films - Pop him in the head

Games - Shoot him anywhere three times. Even if he bites you, it's OK, you won't turn into one


94. Russia invades America

Real Life - WW3 breaks out

Films - Without using nukes, America wins

Games - America uses dolphins in its army


95. You have a quest to complete

Real Life - Quest?

Films - You gather a band of people with big swords and go off to do it

Games - You ask a lot of questions, steal some stuff, learn some spells, and auto-save every five minutes


96. Your wife and child are murdered

Real Life - That's terrible! After a lot of years, you get over it

Films - You do what anyone would do, get a gun and go after them

Games - You infiltrate the mafia, your cover is blown, and you conveniently find out the killers are a big corporation. You shoot down a helicopter and you're OK again


97. It's the future, and miners are restless

Real Life - They go on strike

Films - They revolt

Games - The government starts a tournament and broadcasts it on TV. They give you miniguns and sniper rifles


98. You need to learn something quick

Real Life - You go to college, take a course

Films - You have it put into your brain

Games - What could you possibly NOT know how to do in a game? You can drive cars, fly planes, control a tank, ride a horse, operate firearms, dodge bullets, you even know how many bullets you have in your gun and your health is conveniently put into a 100 level so you know how much you've been hurt


99. You find another gun

Real Life - You report it, again

Films - You pick it up and use two

Games - You take out the ammo by magic, because you don't WANT to use two guns for some reason


100. You get lost

Real Life - You use your mobile and phone for help

Films - Someone rescues you after you somehow get word out

Games - You read the walkthrough






Wow, a hundred. I got to 60-odd and thought I may as well keep going. I know some games break these rules (Red Faction lets you blow holes in the wall) but the majority of games are like what I mentioned here


Hope you enjoyed them

Solskjær_24 wrote:
> Good post, from what I read!
I got quite far, but sorry, it's just too much to
> read it all at this time of night!
I'll try and read the rest tomorow or
> someother time.

---------

Ha ha

Good post, from what I read!
I got quite far, but sorry, it's just too much to read it all at this time of night!
I'll try and read the rest tomorow or someother time.

nice idea mojojojo, i wanted to start an interesting new topic, but no i can because i couldn't be bothered to write enough since ive been in the forums, ah how fair, it was interesting too, but ill save it for when i can - maybe next year...


maybe ull think of some more, say another hundred by tomorrow? right chop chop hurry up, get to it... only joking but some more would be nice... very accurate by the way...

Yeah but it would be boring if you just had to run away and die, unless you're a sadist...

Cheers

LOL!! Brilliant stuff there, Mojojojo.

Ha!

Very good! Funny and true!

:D

LOL! Nice post Moje and very funny!

Na, I thought 100 would be a good number, but I was really struggling towards the end!

Good post. Funny because they are true. However I got to 50 and got a headache from reading so only read half of them.

Couldn't you just have stopped at 50 and done the other50 another time? :)

Anyway very funny.