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"A right State of Emergency guv, and no mistake"

Alright mate, my name's Spanky - you've seen my mug-shot on the artwork for State of Emergency.
Yup, that's my lovely boat splashed all over those cardboard stands.
I'm 'ere to tell you how hard life can be for a violent psychopath character in a video-game, so strap in and pretend like you care, or I'll come round and poo in your fishtank.

I'm a huge movie fan, but being a video-game bloke, that makes life hard for those wiv movie dreams, know what I mean? Oh, except for the Final Fantasy Crew, they got a bleedin' movie and bragged for months about it. I could have done that, but I ain't no pixie-loving muddyfunster.
Fun that.
I'd be in a Guy Ritchie movie if I could, imagine it. A little fat homeboy like me in one of his cute "Sarf Lundun" crime films. I know they're mockney pap, but a bloke 'as to start somewhere eh?

I started life as an extra in Golden Axe. I played one of those skeletons you booted off the back of the giant turtle level (and I'm still waiting for Pratchett to return my calls about likeness rights, that bloody level was my idea).
You didn't spot me then did ya? Master of disguise me. sorted.
The powers that be noticed how well I flung meself off that turtle and that led to me getting a bigger part in "Target Renegade".
I was an end-of-level boss in that one.
The one in the snooker 'all wiv a shooter.
I did that justice, none of this hiding behind things and running about.
I stood there and unloaded into that stupid fighting-for-justice bloke. But, logic dictates that as an end of level boss, you exist only to be killed and serve as a gateway to the next level.

Still, it's a step up from leaping off of bleedin' turtles backs innit?
And as a fank you, they let me have a cameo in "Barbarian".
I was that little troll that came on and booted off the severed head and dragged the body away. Didn't know that did ya? I dont like to brag see, prefer to keep it on the low-low.

I 'ad a spell at Nintendo, but that didn't last long. They said I had an "attitude problem" and kicked me off the N64.
Look, I said, I ain't no cutesy kids character, look at me.
I'm a violent thug who exists to leak claret from other characters, don't saddle me with a massive fish and a fat plumber. He used to leap about going "Issa me", but 5 mins alone soon put paid to that fat wannabe.
Say no more.

So I bided me time, played it cool.
And then came the PS2. Now that machine was made for me. Imagine the high-calibre gaming mayhem I could commit!
Only the launch titles weren't that special, so I 'ad to take little parts.
Tekken Tag. I was in that, standing around in the background.
I felt dead ashamed to be there, all those nonces punching and kicking each other but did anyone get 'urt? Did they hell.
See, that's the problem wiv karate, it looks good but no shooters.
I did show up in Silent Hill 2 at first, but they cut my part out.
I was this little fat bloke called "Eddie" who may or may not have been evil.
But apparently I "left nothing to the imagination" and they complained that "it was obvious I was mental from the start" so they got some porky RADA trained fool to redub me and shoot extra scenes. They turned Eddie into some pathetic, puking little mummy's boy.
I mean if Nicholson can play Jack Torrance in The Shining then anything's possible.
You know the moment you see ol' Jack that he's gonna go postal but that didn't matter.
It was the performance.
But no, bloody Konami wanted to "maintan an aura of mystery".
Right, in a game where you smash demons with a 12ft metal pole? Do me a lemon.

And then came Grand Theft Auto 3.
Now that was made for me, my kind of game.
Murder, mayhem, car-theft, robbery, assassinations, car-theft, chased by the filth and car-thefts.
I stood in line for 4 days to get a part in that.
But they went with that lanky streak of urine Mike.
I can't believe he got that gig. He doesn't look mean at all, he just ponces about in a leather jacket getting arrested all the time.
What a fairy.
They asked if I wanted to play "Cartel Gang Member Number 11" but I ain't playing second fiddle to no bit-part wannabes.
Just look at me, check out my hat and tatts man, can you see my playing a Mexican? Mind you, if Heston did it in "The 3rd Man" mebbe I could.
But a man needs his pride, y'know?
'ow could I go down the boozer and say "Evening lads, I was a Mexican Gangmember number 11 today"
They'd laugh me right out the building.

Mooks.

So I waited. And waited.
And eventually I got the call.
"Hello Spanky, this is your agent. How would you like to appear in Rockstar's follow-up to GTA3?"
I told him I weren't gonna play no gang member so he could take that phone and shove it.
But no, he says "Spanky, you get to be a main player this time. They're even talking about using you as the star for the artwork"
Well what was I gonna say?
I almost snatched his 'and off taking this gig.
And what do I do?

I run about shooting people, burning them, blowing 'em up and throwing stuff through windows.
I was made for this game.
And I get the last laugh an' all.
My mate Darren, Mr "I was in GTA3 as a suicide bomber", he's in my game, but he still has to be a suicide bomber.
What a mug.
Not me though, I'm a bleedin' star mate.
This game is all about smashing stuff and spilling claret as often as possible.
No "Oo, I have a wanted rating of 5, I'll die soon" like poncy Mike in his GTA3.
Nah, I get to take on hoards of rozzers and still beat them to death with the soggy end of a leg.

My name's Spanky and I run this gaff.
Just remember that you punks.

LOL

Smash u wiv fase!

Classic.

S'ok Meka.

Here kids "smash u wiv fase"

Enjoy.

Goatboy wrote:
> Yet when I write posts about smashing stuff wiv sticks, I got 128 replies in 5
> hours.

This is why I rarely bother to do anything other than write
> crap.


Sorry, I did enjoy that (even the trademark dig at Nintendo) but felt I had nothing of worth to add.

Loved the movie references.

*with gun to head*

err... nice post? was that OK? Please, don't kill me!

Yet when I write posts about smashing stuff wiv sticks, I got 128 replies in 5 hours.

This is why I rarely bother to do anything other than write crap.

You punks

Alright mate, my name's Spanky - you've seen my mug-shot on the artwork for State of Emergency.
Yup, that's my lovely boat splashed all over those cardboard stands.
I'm 'ere to tell you how hard life can be for a violent psychopath character in a video-game, so strap in and pretend like you care, or I'll come round and poo in your fishtank.

I'm a huge movie fan, but being a video-game bloke, that makes life hard for those wiv movie dreams, know what I mean? Oh, except for the Final Fantasy Crew, they got a bleedin' movie and bragged for months about it. I could have done that, but I ain't no pixie-loving muddyfunster.
Fun that.
I'd be in a Guy Ritchie movie if I could, imagine it. A little fat homeboy like me in one of his cute "Sarf Lundun" crime films. I know they're mockney pap, but a bloke 'as to start somewhere eh?

I started life as an extra in Golden Axe. I played one of those skeletons you booted off the back of the giant turtle level (and I'm still waiting for Pratchett to return my calls about likeness rights, that bloody level was my idea).
You didn't spot me then did ya? Master of disguise me. sorted.
The powers that be noticed how well I flung meself off that turtle and that led to me getting a bigger part in "Target Renegade".
I was an end-of-level boss in that one.
The one in the snooker 'all wiv a shooter.
I did that justice, none of this hiding behind things and running about.
I stood there and unloaded into that stupid fighting-for-justice bloke. But, logic dictates that as an end of level boss, you exist only to be killed and serve as a gateway to the next level.

Still, it's a step up from leaping off of bleedin' turtles backs innit?
And as a fank you, they let me have a cameo in "Barbarian".
I was that little troll that came on and booted off the severed head and dragged the body away. Didn't know that did ya? I dont like to brag see, prefer to keep it on the low-low.

I 'ad a spell at Nintendo, but that didn't last long. They said I had an "attitude problem" and kicked me off the N64.
Look, I said, I ain't no cutesy kids character, look at me.
I'm a violent thug who exists to leak claret from other characters, don't saddle me with a massive fish and a fat plumber. He used to leap about going "Issa me", but 5 mins alone soon put paid to that fat wannabe.
Say no more.

So I bided me time, played it cool.
And then came the PS2. Now that machine was made for me. Imagine the high-calibre gaming mayhem I could commit!
Only the launch titles weren't that special, so I 'ad to take little parts.
Tekken Tag. I was in that, standing around in the background.
I felt dead ashamed to be there, all those nonces punching and kicking each other but did anyone get 'urt? Did they hell.
See, that's the problem wiv karate, it looks good but no shooters.
I did show up in Silent Hill 2 at first, but they cut my part out.
I was this little fat bloke called "Eddie" who may or may not have been evil.
But apparently I "left nothing to the imagination" and they complained that "it was obvious I was mental from the start" so they got some porky RADA trained fool to redub me and shoot extra scenes. They turned Eddie into some pathetic, puking little mummy's boy.
I mean if Nicholson can play Jack Torrance in The Shining then anything's possible.
You know the moment you see ol' Jack that he's gonna go postal but that didn't matter.
It was the performance.
But no, bloody Konami wanted to "maintan an aura of mystery".
Right, in a game where you smash demons with a 12ft metal pole? Do me a lemon.

And then came Grand Theft Auto 3.
Now that was made for me, my kind of game.
Murder, mayhem, car-theft, robbery, assassinations, car-theft, chased by the filth and car-thefts.
I stood in line for 4 days to get a part in that.
But they went with that lanky streak of urine Mike.
I can't believe he got that gig. He doesn't look mean at all, he just ponces about in a leather jacket getting arrested all the time.
What a fairy.
They asked if I wanted to play "Cartel Gang Member Number 11" but I ain't playing second fiddle to no bit-part wannabes.
Just look at me, check out my hat and tatts man, can you see my playing a Mexican? Mind you, if Heston did it in "The 3rd Man" mebbe I could.
But a man needs his pride, y'know?
'ow could I go down the boozer and say "Evening lads, I was a Mexican Gangmember number 11 today"
They'd laugh me right out the building.

Mooks.

So I waited. And waited.
And eventually I got the call.
"Hello Spanky, this is your agent. How would you like to appear in Rockstar's follow-up to GTA3?"
I told him I weren't gonna play no gang member so he could take that phone and shove it.
But no, he says "Spanky, you get to be a main player this time. They're even talking about using you as the star for the artwork"
Well what was I gonna say?
I almost snatched his 'and off taking this gig.
And what do I do?

I run about shooting people, burning them, blowing 'em up and throwing stuff through windows.
I was made for this game.
And I get the last laugh an' all.
My mate Darren, Mr "I was in GTA3 as a suicide bomber", he's in my game, but he still has to be a suicide bomber.
What a mug.
Not me though, I'm a bleedin' star mate.
This game is all about smashing stuff and spilling claret as often as possible.
No "Oo, I have a wanted rating of 5, I'll die soon" like poncy Mike in his GTA3.
Nah, I get to take on hoards of rozzers and still beat them to death with the soggy end of a leg.

My name's Spanky and I run this gaff.
Just remember that you punks.