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Okay, this is my first story especially made for the Movies, Music, TV and Books forum. It includes most of the regulars from this forum, at least the ones I know of. If anything in this story insults you, then you are mad, because everyone in this story will know that I am only joking, and is by no means the truth. This story isn’t perfect, and there’s probably a few plot flaws in there somewhere, but as long as it’s enjoyable, I’m happy. I would really appreciate it if you read and made comments on it, as it is really practise for what will hopefully be my future career. Constructive criticism is fine too, but hopefully there won’t be too much of that. If you do read and make comments, then I thank-you very much, because it means you have taken a few minutes of your lives to read something written by me. Anyway, enough from me, onto the story…
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There was once a town, and there still is, which had a heritage of movies, TV, music and books. Everyone who resided there lived for these four forms of entertainment, and their knowledge of them was immeasurable. It was a small town, one might even call it a ‘cult town’, as outside of it they were thought of as weird, as people who shouldn’t be socialised with. Of course, the residents of the town felt the same way about the ‘Outsiders’ as they called them, where people liked mainstream bands such as Limp Bizkit and Hear’Say, and where books were regarded as replacements for TV in the days of old. This town had no mayor, or a leader of any kind. But there was someone. Someone extremely special. Someone who possessed an amazing talent, a gift from God (although not many believed in him). He was treated like a King, like a God! His name was Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith lived in a quaint home right in the centre of the town, and it was nicknamed “The House Where Rain Never Fell.” Why? Well, it’s because rain never fell there, surprisingly. Although it poured down rather a lot in this town, where Kevin Smith lived the sun always shined, the birds always sung and the Playboy channel was free all day. Not that he ever watched it, of course, but some of the residents liked to take advantage of it.
This not so epic adventure started on a Saturday morning. Rain came down by the bucket-load, and Sky Premier had not made a good start to the day, at least in the minds of those who lived in the town. Speed 2 was on. However, Kevin Smith was too busy to notice this. He sat in front of a large window (with the blinds down), the sun’s glint evident on his desk that was piled with notes and sketches. He was coming towards the end of his next masterpiece, and he was certain it was his best ever. There was an exciting atmosphere everywhere-they all knew something special was about to happen, but only Kevin knew what it was. “Withnail and Amy” was coming along marvellously, and he only had the final segment to write. He was way ahead of schedule, as a couple of nights ago he had a sudden burst of inspiration and he hadn’t stopped writing since. In that time he had written 30 more pages, and unfortunately he had no copies of them. He was calm though, once he was finished he’d make sure he had some. Unknown to him though, it was already too late.
There was a knock on the door. Kevin looked at his watch, puzzled. Who could it be at this time? He put down his pencil and headed over to the front door. “Who is it?”
“A friend,” came the reply, in a strangely eastern-European accent.
Everyone was Kevin’s friend in the town, so he gladly opened the door, expecting to be greeted by a warm smile.
WHAM!!
Instead, he was greeted by a rather sizeable boot to the face. He fell back against the wall, and when he was finally able to let go of his nose he looked at who he had answered the door to. “ARNOLD!?”
“Yes, it is me, Arnold Schwarzazazazazanegger. And the man who kicked you is my also foreign counterpart, Jean-Claude Van Damme. We have come to take care of business.” Arnold punched him right between the eyes again, and as blood trickled down his face Kevin stayed conscious long enough to see the two men take all of his notes from his desk, including the whole of Withnail and Amy. They stepped outside the door and Van Damme noticed he was still awake, and so stomped on his head repetitively until his world turned into darkness.
As the two men left the scene of carnage Arnold turned to Jean and said, “we’ll be back.”
The house was left in eerie quiet, and for the first time ever, the rain began to fall.
______________________________
When Kevin awoke, he did not call the police. The nearest police were in the Outside, and he would not dare ask them into the town. Anyway, they could not help. However, he knew his many friends could. He needed to get back that script-if anyone else got hold of it, they would surely steal his ideas and ‘create’ the best movie ever. He wasn’t sure how he was going to accomplish this, and he wasn’t sure where it would take him or how long it would take, but he was determined. There was one person he needed to talk to, and that person only lived a couple of minutes away.
_______________________________
misterhappy sat in his favourite armchair, smoking weed. There was a ring at the doorbell, and when he failed to answer it after a minute or so Goatboy, the person at the door, began banging on the windows.
“all right, all right,” misterhappy grumbled, pulling himself up and making his way to the door. He let Goatboy in, who unsurprisingly, was in his pants and nothing else. “Hey Goaty,” he said.
“You know, you shouldn’t really smoke that,” Goatboy advised him, “grass is much better.”
Misterhappy ignored the comment and asked, “so, how are the nipples?”
“Well,” Goatboy replied, shifting uncomfortably, “two of them are fine, but the other one’s still a bit sore.”
Misterhappy nodded, and they both sat in silence for a few moments. “Why have you come over?”
“Can’t a friend just come over for a bit? Do I really need a reason to see you?”
“Your girlfriend’s in New Zealand?” misterhappy guessed, although he already knew the answer.
“Yes,” Goatboy looked down at his feet.
“Ahhhh, don’t worry. You’ll get through it, shouldn’t you be at work?” misterhappy questioned.
“I already am,” Goatboy said, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “Shall we watch a film?”
“Yeah, I guess.” There was silence again, as neither of them made to turn on the TV.
“I’ve realised something today,” Goatboy said thoughtfully, “we’re a couple of lazy basta-“
Goatboy was cut off by a knock at the door. Misterhappy gestured to Goatboy that he should open it. He groaned, but was visibly delighted at who he opened the door to. “Kevin!!” he exclaimed.
“Hi Goatboy, good to see you again.” Kevin looked around, confused, “am I at…misterhappy’s house?”
“Yep, you are.”
Goatboy stood at the door for a while, and then started whistling. Kevin finally realised he’d have to ask himself in. “erm…can I come in?”
“Oh, yes, yes, of course!” Goatboy said, a little embarrassed. Kevin took a step inside. The house had a musty sort of smell, and the walls were damp. He coughed on the smoke-filled air, and made his way into the small but cosy lounge. “Ah, hello Kevin!” misterhappy stood up to meet his friend.
“Fancy a cigarette?” He asked, holding out a packet.
“Nah, thanks.”
“A beer?” He offered a six-pack.
“No, I’m fine.”
“A dump?” He gestured to the toilet.
“Erm, no, no. Look, I need your help. You too Goatboy.”
“You need help dumping?”
“No, it’s something completely unrelated to dumping. Now sit down, I have a shock in store for you.”
They all took a seat, and then Kevin told them all about the morning’s events. He showed them the large mark on his face from the kick, and then pointed down to his feet. His shoes had been stolen too.
“Agh, that’s terrible!” misterhappy looked devastated, “all your notes, the script to Withnail and Amy!?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.”
“For F**-“
Before misterhappy could finish his expletive Goatboy interrupted, “why do you need us?”
“Okay. I have small idea of who this could be. I’m sure Arnold and Jean weren’t working by their own accord, they definitely have a boss of some kind, and I think I know who it is, and where I can find him. I need you two and a few others to come with me. It could be dangerous, as I’m pretty sure,” Kevin took a deep breath, “we’ll have to go to the Outside.”
Misterhappy’s fag dropped right out of his mouth which was open in shock. Goatboy, who’s means of getting rid of anger were questionable, began stomping repeatedly on the floor and then bashed his head on the wall several times, before sitting down again and saying, “well, I’m up for it.”
“You might lose your job Goaty, we could be gone for a while.”
“Don’t worry, I’d still be at work.”
Kevin looked puzzled, but happy. “And you misterhappy?”
By now misterhappy had regained his composure, and he confirmed what Kevin already knew, “yeah, you never know, could be fun. I’ll get a few friends together and then we’ll be off. You know whereabouts you’re heading?”
Kevin nodded, before heading to the loo to have a dump.
“Need any help?” Goatboy asked.
______________________________
The group were all gathered around Kevin Smith’s house, and consisted of misterhappy, Goatboy, The Vottanator, Monkey_man, Stryke, Mr Snuggly, pb, Monkey_With_Attitude, Meka_Dragon and Mouldy Cheese.
“Okay, you all know the story?” Kevin asked his enthusiastic friends. There was a resounding response of ‘yes’.
“And you’ve all brought provisions? Food, drink, books?”
“YES!”
“You all know we might be away for at least a couple of days?”
“YES!”
“And you all know we’ll probably have to go to the Outside?”
“NO!”
As everyone realised the question they had just been asked, they began to panic.
“The Outside!? But we’ll be killed!” MWA cried.
“Worse, we’ll be ridiculed!” Shouted Mouldy Cheese. The general consensus was that no one wanted to go to the Outside.
“Fine, don’t come then.” Kevin gave them the ultimatum, “but if you don’t, I won’t be your friend.” No one could live without being Kevin Smith’s friend, so in the end they all agreed to go.
“Are you going to tell us who’s done this?” Mr Snuggly asked.
“No, I don’t want to worry you yet. Just follow me.”
Kevin led the group into the pouring rain and towards the tunnel that took them from their cosy town, into the Outside…
________________________
The sun glimmered brightly as they stepped back outside. They were met by the stench of pollution and body odour.
“Gawd, these people stink.” Meka commented.
They were situated on the path of a busy road. They were just outside the city, where they needed to be. They would need to go left down the path, and then turn into the city. Unfortunately, it looked as though they would have to go by a group of around five youths.
“We can’t go there…they’ll beat us up for sure!” Monkey_man said worriedly.
“We have to risk it. Anyway, not all Outsiders are punks.”
“Yes, but most of them are. I guess we’ll just have to be very careful, and stick up for each-other.” Everyone tried to make themselves look big, in case of any problems.
Kevin tentatively walked onwards, the group slowly following. They got visibly closer…they could hear the conversation of the teenagers.
“Yeah, it was well all right. Hey Starlight, you see it?”
“See what, Ant?”
“The wrestling?”
misterhappy screeched, “ahhhh! Wrestling fans!” He hid behind Stryke.
“Well, I’ll see ya later guys.” All but one of the youths headed right into the busy metropolis that was the city, and the other headed straight towards them. Goatboy began to sweat. At first it appeared as though the boy would walk straight past them, and they breathed a sigh of relief. However, the boy suddenly stopped right in front of them and looked up inquisitively at Kevin. “I’ve seen you from somewhere,” he said, apparently in deep thought. His face lit up, “I know! You’re the guy from Dogma!”
Kevin smiled warmly, “yes, I’m Kevin Smith, the director.” He offered his hand, and this was followed by a series of gasps. Fortunately, the boy shook it and said, “hey, I’m Ant.” Ant looked round Kevin at the group of men and asked, “and you are?”
Pb stepped forward, “hey I’m pb, and these are my friends. Are you an Outsider?”
“Outsider?? Hang on, you must be from that town!”
“Yes, we most certainly are.”
“What’re you doing round here then?”
“We’re…looking for someone. He lives in the city.” Kevin replied.
“Ah. Well, I’ll come with you.”
Misterhappy, suddenly a lot braver sniggered, “and why would we want you with us?”
Ant shrugged, “I could help you get where you’re going.”
Kevin whispered to misterhappy, “I guess it could be helpful to have an Outsider with us, to show us around.”
Misterhappy, and the rest of the group, looked unhappy but gave in, “Fine then. But try not to talk.”
They made their way into the city, which was full of all kinds of people. People going to work, people shopping, mothers, fathers, children, babies, dogs and even two cats were seen running around.
“Hey! They’re mine! Monkey_man cried, gathering up the two felines in his arms. “I was wondering were they’d got to.”
“You like wrestling?” Ant asked.
The whole group cringed. “Do. Not. Say. That. Word.” Mr Snuggly said slowly.
“What? Wrestling?”
“Agh!” misterhappy screamed, “it hurts my ears! Lets talk about something decent. Read the Bill Hicks novel yet Meka?”
“Bill Hicks? Who’s he?” Ant asked innocently.
“You insolent little child! Goatboy raged, “you are obviously a basic Outsider. I can’t wait to get back to the town, for all of you are tools.”
They continued on their way, Ant occasionally pointing the way. However, Kevin was only heading in a general direction and wanted to get rid of Ant before they got to their destination.
“Do you guys believe in God?”
They froze. Slowly, they turned to stare at Ant. “God? Ridiculous. A fantasy.” Goatboy scoffed.
“As an imprisoned French poet once said, “God is an actor playing to an audience who is too afraid to laugh.”” Stryke said, his nose held high in the air.
“You what? Well, I believe in him. The Big Bang is bollards, in my opinion.”
“YOU IGNORANT FUNDAMENTALIST!!” Goatboy fumed, “I DON’T TRY AND PUSH MY VIEWS ONTO YOU!! JUST LEAVE US BE!!”
“Fine, I’ll go now,” Ant sprinted off, where he would most probably go and listen to some mainstream music (not garage though), and then watch wrestling.
“He’s probably going to listen to some mainstream music and then watch wrestling when he gets home,” Stryke said with disgust.
“Good riddance!” Cheese shouted after the boy.
They were in the centre of the city, and it was beginning to get dark. “We ought to find somewhere to stay,” Kevin said nervously, all the time looking over his shoulder.
“I know someone,” Monkey_man said suddenly. “I don’t like him very much because he’s an Outsider, but he’ll let us stay for the night. Also, he likes books, so at least there’s some good about him. It’s only a couple of minutes away.”
They followed Monkey_man to a small house. Strangely, the small house was emitting large amounts of music. Crap music. “Oh no…I think there’s some sort of party going on inside. Ah well, may as well see what he says.”
Monkey knocked on the door, and it was answered by a tallish man, wearing a party hat and no shirt. “Hey Monkey, come to join the party!?!?”
“No Cooldogs, me and my friends need a place to stay for the night.”
Cooldogs looked a little puzzled, “well…” the music got louder and so he had to shout, “Well! I guess you could! But you’d all have to fit into two rooms, and a few of you will have to share the two beds!”
“Oh, that’s all right, Stryke and Goatboy will sleep together, as will pb and Meka.”
“You what?” Stryke said, annoyed.
“Yeah, it’s fine, they do it all the time.”
“YOU WHAT!?”
Cooldogs invited them in and as they made their way inside, the music stopped and all the Outsiders stared at them in what was a painfully embarrassing moment.
“Hey!” Snuggly cried, offended, “so maybe we don’t like the So Solid Crew!!” Sniggers followed, and Monkey_man became so annoyed he set his cats on them.
“Go my kitties, go!” He urged them on, yet all they did was rub his leg in a loving manner. “Ohhhh, don’t love me!” He complained, “attack them!!” They began to purr, and then laid down on the stairs. Monkey gave up and stomped upstairs, followed by everyone else. The ‘music’ began once again, and Stryke sighed.
“I can’t wait until this is over. Anyway, Goatboy, you coming to bed?”
____________________________
They awoke in the morning to find bottles of booze laying everywhere, confetti and pieces of wallpaper all over the floor, stains that they really didn’t want to identify, and quite a few bodies all slumped on the sofa.
“Are they dead?” Cheese asked bluntly.
“Hopefully,” came misterhappy’s reply.
They left without saying goodbye and were met by pouring rain. They all pulled their hoods up, and after a quick bite to eat from their provisions, continued on their way. Kevin was silent, and as the tension grew they knew they were close. Meka suggested a game of “I Spy,” and although most of them were well adept to playing, the idea was rejected. A group of Outsiders sprinted by, a boy stepping in a large puddle causing water to spray all over Goatboy. Goatboy picked up a stone and threw it at the back of the boy’s head in retaliation, who screamed in pain but carried on running.
“Damn,” Goatboy said, frustrated, “no blood.”
“I hate Outsiders. I’m so glad I live in the town,” pb said, missing his home.
“Yeah, I mean, quite a few of them actually liked Episode 1!!”
As the group continued to ramble on about the Outsiders, Kevin whispered, “we’re here.”
Silence ensued. They examined their surroundings. They had made their way to a far corner of the city, the busy streets left behind them. A large, modern house stood in front of them, well-cut grass around it on each side. The house had three floors, lots of windows and behind a beautiful wooden gate lay a seemingly massive garden.
“Who’s place is this?” MWA finally asked.
There was no response however as Kevin made his way to the front door.
___________________________
“Zir, zhere ist somevone at ze door,” Arnold told his boss.
“Can you see who it is through the window? I’m busy sorting through Smithy’s scripts.”
Arnold took a peek through one of the many windows, and was shocked to see who it was. “Zir! Zir! Zmithy iz at ze door!!”
“Kevin Smith!?” He cried, stunned. “How…but…he wouldn’t dare go into the Outside! Surely he doesn’t love his movies that much!?”
“He has many friendz with him zir.”
“ Dammit! Get Jean, it’s time for action!”
___________________________
“He’s not answering. I’ll have to kick it down.” Kevin took a few steps back, and then smashed the door from it’s hinges. “Get ready to fight,” he told the others. Many gulps were heard.
They cautiously stepped inside, where there was not much difference from outside. Windows covered most of the walls, and huge chandeliers hang from the ceilings. They appeared to be in some sort of lounge, because a massive wide-screen TV sat in the corner. Around that two leather sofas were situated, as well as a small wooden coffee table. Shelves surrounded them completely on the outside of the room, filled with videos, DVDs and books. Apparently, no one was inside.
“Hey, over here!” pb whispered loudly, beckoning them towards a door in the corner. It was labelled “conservatory.” Kevin knew that if this man had the scripts, they’d be in there. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Inside lay just a single table and a lamp. Kevin’s scripts, notes and sketches covered the surface.
“I knew it,” he said between clenched teeth.
SLAM!! The door shut behind them. They twisted, and faced Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzazazazanegger, and…
“STEVEN SPIELBERG!!” Meka cried.
The famous director stepped forward menacingly, followed by his cronies. “Yes, it is I.”
“I know why you took my scripts,” Kevin said, rage burning inside him, “because you know your films aren’t good enough! Most of your latest ones have been flops! The only reason mine aren’t as successful is because they are directed to a certain, more intelligent audience, in other words, non-Outsiders. You know that with those scripts, you can make a brilliant movie that will be shown to everyone, including the Outsiders!”
Steven laughed, “You are correct.”
Kevin could take no more. He leaped onto Steven and began pummelling away, only to be pulled off by Jean, who then kicked him right between the eyes.
“NOT AGAIN!” Kevin screamed, holding his nose.
However, the non-Outsiders had numbers. Pb, Meka, Cheese, MWA and Goatboy surrounded Arnold, sending him onto the floor where they continued to beat on him. Meanwhile, misterhappy, Monkey_man, Mr Snuggly, Stryke and Vottanator threw Jean into the door. He smashed through it and went flying into the lounge. He stayed down, and they decided they could two birds with one stone. They used all their strength to heave the wide-screen TV off its legs, and it landed right on Jean. He certainly wouldn’t be getting up from that in a while.
However, Arnold was fighting back with some hard right-hands, and then he made to grab the scripts from the table and rip them up.
“NOOOO!!” Kevin cried, jumping onto the back of Arnold and strangling him. Arnold desperately tried to throw him off but Kevin hung on, and as he was going down misterhappy finished the job with a harsh kick to where the sun doesn’t shine. Arnold and Jean were finished, and Steven had crawled back against the wall and was blubbering like a baby.
Kevin took all the scripts and put them into a bag he’d bought along, gave it to Goatboy and then stood over Steven. “Your plans have been foiled Mr Spielberg. So whole I achieve success with “Withnail and Amy,” you can continue making,” Kevin smiled smugly, “Jurassic Park 4.”
The group laughed as they filed out of the house, and left Steven screaming something about bloody dinosaurs.
___________________________
A few months later…
Kevin was round at misterhappy’s again, along with Goatboy.
“Kevin, are you not unhappy that a lot of The Outsiders enjoyed Withnail and Amy?” misterhappy asked.
“No, not really…maybe it will make them more intelligent, more like us. Not like the fame-crazed drones they were before. And of course, it means more money for me.”
Goatboy and misterhappy nodded in agreement, and then the three of them sat back in their chairs to enjoy the afternoon. That was until Kevin felt an uncomfortable feeling in the lower part of his stomach.
“Damn, I need a dump,” he said, rising to his feet.
“I’ll give you a hand,” came Goatboy’s reply, joining him.
________________________
Thanks for reading, Ant.
_______________________
There was once a town, and there still is, which had a heritage of movies, TV, music and books. Everyone who resided there lived for these four forms of entertainment, and their knowledge of them was immeasurable. It was a small town, one might even call it a ‘cult town’, as outside of it they were thought of as weird, as people who shouldn’t be socialised with. Of course, the residents of the town felt the same way about the ‘Outsiders’ as they called them, where people liked mainstream bands such as Limp Bizkit and Hear’Say, and where books were regarded as replacements for TV in the days of old. This town had no mayor, or a leader of any kind. But there was someone. Someone extremely special. Someone who possessed an amazing talent, a gift from God (although not many believed in him). He was treated like a King, like a God! His name was Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith lived in a quaint home right in the centre of the town, and it was nicknamed “The House Where Rain Never Fell.” Why? Well, it’s because rain never fell there, surprisingly. Although it poured down rather a lot in this town, where Kevin Smith lived the sun always shined, the birds always sung and the Playboy channel was free all day. Not that he ever watched it, of course, but some of the residents liked to take advantage of it.
This not so epic adventure started on a Saturday morning. Rain came down by the bucket-load, and Sky Premier had not made a good start to the day, at least in the minds of those who lived in the town. Speed 2 was on. However, Kevin Smith was too busy to notice this. He sat in front of a large window (with the blinds down), the sun’s glint evident on his desk that was piled with notes and sketches. He was coming towards the end of his next masterpiece, and he was certain it was his best ever. There was an exciting atmosphere everywhere-they all knew something special was about to happen, but only Kevin knew what it was. “Withnail and Amy” was coming along marvellously, and he only had the final segment to write. He was way ahead of schedule, as a couple of nights ago he had a sudden burst of inspiration and he hadn’t stopped writing since. In that time he had written 30 more pages, and unfortunately he had no copies of them. He was calm though, once he was finished he’d make sure he had some. Unknown to him though, it was already too late.
There was a knock on the door. Kevin looked at his watch, puzzled. Who could it be at this time? He put down his pencil and headed over to the front door. “Who is it?”
“A friend,” came the reply, in a strangely eastern-European accent.
Everyone was Kevin’s friend in the town, so he gladly opened the door, expecting to be greeted by a warm smile.
WHAM!!
Instead, he was greeted by a rather sizeable boot to the face. He fell back against the wall, and when he was finally able to let go of his nose he looked at who he had answered the door to. “ARNOLD!?”
“Yes, it is me, Arnold Schwarzazazazazanegger. And the man who kicked you is my also foreign counterpart, Jean-Claude Van Damme. We have come to take care of business.” Arnold punched him right between the eyes again, and as blood trickled down his face Kevin stayed conscious long enough to see the two men take all of his notes from his desk, including the whole of Withnail and Amy. They stepped outside the door and Van Damme noticed he was still awake, and so stomped on his head repetitively until his world turned into darkness.
As the two men left the scene of carnage Arnold turned to Jean and said, “we’ll be back.”
The house was left in eerie quiet, and for the first time ever, the rain began to fall.
______________________________
When Kevin awoke, he did not call the police. The nearest police were in the Outside, and he would not dare ask them into the town. Anyway, they could not help. However, he knew his many friends could. He needed to get back that script-if anyone else got hold of it, they would surely steal his ideas and ‘create’ the best movie ever. He wasn’t sure how he was going to accomplish this, and he wasn’t sure where it would take him or how long it would take, but he was determined. There was one person he needed to talk to, and that person only lived a couple of minutes away.
_______________________________
misterhappy sat in his favourite armchair, smoking weed. There was a ring at the doorbell, and when he failed to answer it after a minute or so Goatboy, the person at the door, began banging on the windows.
“all right, all right,” misterhappy grumbled, pulling himself up and making his way to the door. He let Goatboy in, who unsurprisingly, was in his pants and nothing else. “Hey Goaty,” he said.
“You know, you shouldn’t really smoke that,” Goatboy advised him, “grass is much better.”
Misterhappy ignored the comment and asked, “so, how are the nipples?”
“Well,” Goatboy replied, shifting uncomfortably, “two of them are fine, but the other one’s still a bit sore.”
Misterhappy nodded, and they both sat in silence for a few moments. “Why have you come over?”
“Can’t a friend just come over for a bit? Do I really need a reason to see you?”
“Your girlfriend’s in New Zealand?” misterhappy guessed, although he already knew the answer.
“Yes,” Goatboy looked down at his feet.
“Ahhhh, don’t worry. You’ll get through it, shouldn’t you be at work?” misterhappy questioned.
“I already am,” Goatboy said, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “Shall we watch a film?”
“Yeah, I guess.” There was silence again, as neither of them made to turn on the TV.
“I’ve realised something today,” Goatboy said thoughtfully, “we’re a couple of lazy basta-“
Goatboy was cut off by a knock at the door. Misterhappy gestured to Goatboy that he should open it. He groaned, but was visibly delighted at who he opened the door to. “Kevin!!” he exclaimed.
“Hi Goatboy, good to see you again.” Kevin looked around, confused, “am I at…misterhappy’s house?”
“Yep, you are.”
Goatboy stood at the door for a while, and then started whistling. Kevin finally realised he’d have to ask himself in. “erm…can I come in?”
“Oh, yes, yes, of course!” Goatboy said, a little embarrassed. Kevin took a step inside. The house had a musty sort of smell, and the walls were damp. He coughed on the smoke-filled air, and made his way into the small but cosy lounge. “Ah, hello Kevin!” misterhappy stood up to meet his friend.
“Fancy a cigarette?” He asked, holding out a packet.
“Nah, thanks.”
“A beer?” He offered a six-pack.
“No, I’m fine.”
“A dump?” He gestured to the toilet.
“Erm, no, no. Look, I need your help. You too Goatboy.”
“You need help dumping?”
“No, it’s something completely unrelated to dumping. Now sit down, I have a shock in store for you.”
They all took a seat, and then Kevin told them all about the morning’s events. He showed them the large mark on his face from the kick, and then pointed down to his feet. His shoes had been stolen too.
“Agh, that’s terrible!” misterhappy looked devastated, “all your notes, the script to Withnail and Amy!?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so.”
“For F**-“
Before misterhappy could finish his expletive Goatboy interrupted, “why do you need us?”
“Okay. I have small idea of who this could be. I’m sure Arnold and Jean weren’t working by their own accord, they definitely have a boss of some kind, and I think I know who it is, and where I can find him. I need you two and a few others to come with me. It could be dangerous, as I’m pretty sure,” Kevin took a deep breath, “we’ll have to go to the Outside.”
Misterhappy’s fag dropped right out of his mouth which was open in shock. Goatboy, who’s means of getting rid of anger were questionable, began stomping repeatedly on the floor and then bashed his head on the wall several times, before sitting down again and saying, “well, I’m up for it.”
“You might lose your job Goaty, we could be gone for a while.”
“Don’t worry, I’d still be at work.”
Kevin looked puzzled, but happy. “And you misterhappy?”
By now misterhappy had regained his composure, and he confirmed what Kevin already knew, “yeah, you never know, could be fun. I’ll get a few friends together and then we’ll be off. You know whereabouts you’re heading?”
Kevin nodded, before heading to the loo to have a dump.
“Need any help?” Goatboy asked.
______________________________
The group were all gathered around Kevin Smith’s house, and consisted of misterhappy, Goatboy, The Vottanator, Monkey_man, Stryke, Mr Snuggly, pb, Monkey_With_Attitude, Meka_Dragon and Mouldy Cheese.
“Okay, you all know the story?” Kevin asked his enthusiastic friends. There was a resounding response of ‘yes’.
“And you’ve all brought provisions? Food, drink, books?”
“YES!”
“You all know we might be away for at least a couple of days?”
“YES!”
“And you all know we’ll probably have to go to the Outside?”
“NO!”
As everyone realised the question they had just been asked, they began to panic.
“The Outside!? But we’ll be killed!” MWA cried.
“Worse, we’ll be ridiculed!” Shouted Mouldy Cheese. The general consensus was that no one wanted to go to the Outside.
“Fine, don’t come then.” Kevin gave them the ultimatum, “but if you don’t, I won’t be your friend.” No one could live without being Kevin Smith’s friend, so in the end they all agreed to go.
“Are you going to tell us who’s done this?” Mr Snuggly asked.
“No, I don’t want to worry you yet. Just follow me.”
Kevin led the group into the pouring rain and towards the tunnel that took them from their cosy town, into the Outside…
________________________
The sun glimmered brightly as they stepped back outside. They were met by the stench of pollution and body odour.
“Gawd, these people stink.” Meka commented.
They were situated on the path of a busy road. They were just outside the city, where they needed to be. They would need to go left down the path, and then turn into the city. Unfortunately, it looked as though they would have to go by a group of around five youths.
“We can’t go there…they’ll beat us up for sure!” Monkey_man said worriedly.
“We have to risk it. Anyway, not all Outsiders are punks.”
“Yes, but most of them are. I guess we’ll just have to be very careful, and stick up for each-other.” Everyone tried to make themselves look big, in case of any problems.
Kevin tentatively walked onwards, the group slowly following. They got visibly closer…they could hear the conversation of the teenagers.
“Yeah, it was well all right. Hey Starlight, you see it?”
“See what, Ant?”
“The wrestling?”
misterhappy screeched, “ahhhh! Wrestling fans!” He hid behind Stryke.
“Well, I’ll see ya later guys.” All but one of the youths headed right into the busy metropolis that was the city, and the other headed straight towards them. Goatboy began to sweat. At first it appeared as though the boy would walk straight past them, and they breathed a sigh of relief. However, the boy suddenly stopped right in front of them and looked up inquisitively at Kevin. “I’ve seen you from somewhere,” he said, apparently in deep thought. His face lit up, “I know! You’re the guy from Dogma!”
Kevin smiled warmly, “yes, I’m Kevin Smith, the director.” He offered his hand, and this was followed by a series of gasps. Fortunately, the boy shook it and said, “hey, I’m Ant.” Ant looked round Kevin at the group of men and asked, “and you are?”
Pb stepped forward, “hey I’m pb, and these are my friends. Are you an Outsider?”
“Outsider?? Hang on, you must be from that town!”
“Yes, we most certainly are.”
“What’re you doing round here then?”
“We’re…looking for someone. He lives in the city.” Kevin replied.
“Ah. Well, I’ll come with you.”
Misterhappy, suddenly a lot braver sniggered, “and why would we want you with us?”
Ant shrugged, “I could help you get where you’re going.”
Kevin whispered to misterhappy, “I guess it could be helpful to have an Outsider with us, to show us around.”
Misterhappy, and the rest of the group, looked unhappy but gave in, “Fine then. But try not to talk.”
They made their way into the city, which was full of all kinds of people. People going to work, people shopping, mothers, fathers, children, babies, dogs and even two cats were seen running around.
“Hey! They’re mine! Monkey_man cried, gathering up the two felines in his arms. “I was wondering were they’d got to.”
“You like wrestling?” Ant asked.
The whole group cringed. “Do. Not. Say. That. Word.” Mr Snuggly said slowly.
“What? Wrestling?”
“Agh!” misterhappy screamed, “it hurts my ears! Lets talk about something decent. Read the Bill Hicks novel yet Meka?”
“Bill Hicks? Who’s he?” Ant asked innocently.
“You insolent little child! Goatboy raged, “you are obviously a basic Outsider. I can’t wait to get back to the town, for all of you are tools.”
They continued on their way, Ant occasionally pointing the way. However, Kevin was only heading in a general direction and wanted to get rid of Ant before they got to their destination.
“Do you guys believe in God?”
They froze. Slowly, they turned to stare at Ant. “God? Ridiculous. A fantasy.” Goatboy scoffed.
“As an imprisoned French poet once said, “God is an actor playing to an audience who is too afraid to laugh.”” Stryke said, his nose held high in the air.
“You what? Well, I believe in him. The Big Bang is bollards, in my opinion.”
“YOU IGNORANT FUNDAMENTALIST!!” Goatboy fumed, “I DON’T TRY AND PUSH MY VIEWS ONTO YOU!! JUST LEAVE US BE!!”
“Fine, I’ll go now,” Ant sprinted off, where he would most probably go and listen to some mainstream music (not garage though), and then watch wrestling.
“He’s probably going to listen to some mainstream music and then watch wrestling when he gets home,” Stryke said with disgust.
“Good riddance!” Cheese shouted after the boy.
They were in the centre of the city, and it was beginning to get dark. “We ought to find somewhere to stay,” Kevin said nervously, all the time looking over his shoulder.
“I know someone,” Monkey_man said suddenly. “I don’t like him very much because he’s an Outsider, but he’ll let us stay for the night. Also, he likes books, so at least there’s some good about him. It’s only a couple of minutes away.”
They followed Monkey_man to a small house. Strangely, the small house was emitting large amounts of music. Crap music. “Oh no…I think there’s some sort of party going on inside. Ah well, may as well see what he says.”
Monkey knocked on the door, and it was answered by a tallish man, wearing a party hat and no shirt. “Hey Monkey, come to join the party!?!?”
“No Cooldogs, me and my friends need a place to stay for the night.”
Cooldogs looked a little puzzled, “well…” the music got louder and so he had to shout, “Well! I guess you could! But you’d all have to fit into two rooms, and a few of you will have to share the two beds!”
“Oh, that’s all right, Stryke and Goatboy will sleep together, as will pb and Meka.”
“You what?” Stryke said, annoyed.
“Yeah, it’s fine, they do it all the time.”
“YOU WHAT!?”
Cooldogs invited them in and as they made their way inside, the music stopped and all the Outsiders stared at them in what was a painfully embarrassing moment.
“Hey!” Snuggly cried, offended, “so maybe we don’t like the So Solid Crew!!” Sniggers followed, and Monkey_man became so annoyed he set his cats on them.
“Go my kitties, go!” He urged them on, yet all they did was rub his leg in a loving manner. “Ohhhh, don’t love me!” He complained, “attack them!!” They began to purr, and then laid down on the stairs. Monkey gave up and stomped upstairs, followed by everyone else. The ‘music’ began once again, and Stryke sighed.
“I can’t wait until this is over. Anyway, Goatboy, you coming to bed?”
____________________________
They awoke in the morning to find bottles of booze laying everywhere, confetti and pieces of wallpaper all over the floor, stains that they really didn’t want to identify, and quite a few bodies all slumped on the sofa.
“Are they dead?” Cheese asked bluntly.
“Hopefully,” came misterhappy’s reply.
They left without saying goodbye and were met by pouring rain. They all pulled their hoods up, and after a quick bite to eat from their provisions, continued on their way. Kevin was silent, and as the tension grew they knew they were close. Meka suggested a game of “I Spy,” and although most of them were well adept to playing, the idea was rejected. A group of Outsiders sprinted by, a boy stepping in a large puddle causing water to spray all over Goatboy. Goatboy picked up a stone and threw it at the back of the boy’s head in retaliation, who screamed in pain but carried on running.
“Damn,” Goatboy said, frustrated, “no blood.”
“I hate Outsiders. I’m so glad I live in the town,” pb said, missing his home.
“Yeah, I mean, quite a few of them actually liked Episode 1!!”
As the group continued to ramble on about the Outsiders, Kevin whispered, “we’re here.”
Silence ensued. They examined their surroundings. They had made their way to a far corner of the city, the busy streets left behind them. A large, modern house stood in front of them, well-cut grass around it on each side. The house had three floors, lots of windows and behind a beautiful wooden gate lay a seemingly massive garden.
“Who’s place is this?” MWA finally asked.
There was no response however as Kevin made his way to the front door.
___________________________
“Zir, zhere ist somevone at ze door,” Arnold told his boss.
“Can you see who it is through the window? I’m busy sorting through Smithy’s scripts.”
Arnold took a peek through one of the many windows, and was shocked to see who it was. “Zir! Zir! Zmithy iz at ze door!!”
“Kevin Smith!?” He cried, stunned. “How…but…he wouldn’t dare go into the Outside! Surely he doesn’t love his movies that much!?”
“He has many friendz with him zir.”
“ Dammit! Get Jean, it’s time for action!”
___________________________
“He’s not answering. I’ll have to kick it down.” Kevin took a few steps back, and then smashed the door from it’s hinges. “Get ready to fight,” he told the others. Many gulps were heard.
They cautiously stepped inside, where there was not much difference from outside. Windows covered most of the walls, and huge chandeliers hang from the ceilings. They appeared to be in some sort of lounge, because a massive wide-screen TV sat in the corner. Around that two leather sofas were situated, as well as a small wooden coffee table. Shelves surrounded them completely on the outside of the room, filled with videos, DVDs and books. Apparently, no one was inside.
“Hey, over here!” pb whispered loudly, beckoning them towards a door in the corner. It was labelled “conservatory.” Kevin knew that if this man had the scripts, they’d be in there. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Inside lay just a single table and a lamp. Kevin’s scripts, notes and sketches covered the surface.
“I knew it,” he said between clenched teeth.
SLAM!! The door shut behind them. They twisted, and faced Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzazazazanegger, and…
“STEVEN SPIELBERG!!” Meka cried.
The famous director stepped forward menacingly, followed by his cronies. “Yes, it is I.”
“I know why you took my scripts,” Kevin said, rage burning inside him, “because you know your films aren’t good enough! Most of your latest ones have been flops! The only reason mine aren’t as successful is because they are directed to a certain, more intelligent audience, in other words, non-Outsiders. You know that with those scripts, you can make a brilliant movie that will be shown to everyone, including the Outsiders!”
Steven laughed, “You are correct.”
Kevin could take no more. He leaped onto Steven and began pummelling away, only to be pulled off by Jean, who then kicked him right between the eyes.
“NOT AGAIN!” Kevin screamed, holding his nose.
However, the non-Outsiders had numbers. Pb, Meka, Cheese, MWA and Goatboy surrounded Arnold, sending him onto the floor where they continued to beat on him. Meanwhile, misterhappy, Monkey_man, Mr Snuggly, Stryke and Vottanator threw Jean into the door. He smashed through it and went flying into the lounge. He stayed down, and they decided they could two birds with one stone. They used all their strength to heave the wide-screen TV off its legs, and it landed right on Jean. He certainly wouldn’t be getting up from that in a while.
However, Arnold was fighting back with some hard right-hands, and then he made to grab the scripts from the table and rip them up.
“NOOOO!!” Kevin cried, jumping onto the back of Arnold and strangling him. Arnold desperately tried to throw him off but Kevin hung on, and as he was going down misterhappy finished the job with a harsh kick to where the sun doesn’t shine. Arnold and Jean were finished, and Steven had crawled back against the wall and was blubbering like a baby.
Kevin took all the scripts and put them into a bag he’d bought along, gave it to Goatboy and then stood over Steven. “Your plans have been foiled Mr Spielberg. So whole I achieve success with “Withnail and Amy,” you can continue making,” Kevin smiled smugly, “Jurassic Park 4.”
The group laughed as they filed out of the house, and left Steven screaming something about bloody dinosaurs.
___________________________
A few months later…
Kevin was round at misterhappy’s again, along with Goatboy.
“Kevin, are you not unhappy that a lot of The Outsiders enjoyed Withnail and Amy?” misterhappy asked.
“No, not really…maybe it will make them more intelligent, more like us. Not like the fame-crazed drones they were before. And of course, it means more money for me.”
Goatboy and misterhappy nodded in agreement, and then the three of them sat back in their chairs to enjoy the afternoon. That was until Kevin felt an uncomfortable feeling in the lower part of his stomach.
“Damn, I need a dump,” he said, rising to his feet.
“I’ll give you a hand,” came Goatboy’s reply, joining him.
________________________
Thanks for reading, Ant.
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MoJoJoJo wrote:
> Short-ish??? It's huge! Heh
Heh, Grix once posted a story that was too long for one post.
> Short-ish??? It's huge! Heh
Heh, Grix once posted a story that was too long for one post.
Stryke wrote:
> I do not wish do have wrestlers in my beard.
Happy Potter is bad and has evil
> pixies in it that steal Christianity from people.
Damn right, it should be banned. Although, I think the books would be much more interesting if Rowling introduced the idea of God into it, and then we could see what the 'magic world' thinks of it and then Harry can die and we'll see if he goes to heaven or to hell, hopefully he...I'll stop now. {:)
Oh, and thanks misterhappy, appreciate it.
And Starlight too.
> I do not wish do have wrestlers in my beard.
Happy Potter is bad and has evil
> pixies in it that steal Christianity from people.
Damn right, it should be banned. Although, I think the books would be much more interesting if Rowling introduced the idea of God into it, and then we could see what the 'magic world' thinks of it and then Harry can die and we'll see if he goes to heaven or to hell, hopefully he...I'll stop now. {:)
Oh, and thanks misterhappy, appreciate it.
And Starlight too.
I do not wish do have wrestlers in my beard.
Happy Potter is bad and has evil pixies in it that steal Christianity from people.
Happy Potter is bad and has evil pixies in it that steal Christianity from people.
Sorry!
I didn't realise that your story had come out...
haha
It's good so far, and I rule in it. Which is also good.
I've printed it out and I shall read it all tonight before I go to sleep. I should be able to reply on Wednesday, as I have to do debating on Tuesday evening - all evening.
I like it a lot. But despite my happy name and the happiness it inspires I'm not a druggy... yet...
I didn't realise that your story had come out...
haha
It's good so far, and I rule in it. Which is also good.
I've printed it out and I shall read it all tonight before I go to sleep. I should be able to reply on Wednesday, as I have to do debating on Tuesday evening - all evening.
I like it a lot. But despite my happy name and the happiness it inspires I'm not a druggy... yet...
Short-ish??? It's huge! Heh
Woah didn't notice this.
Great story actually Ant, even better seeing as I was in it and yes all wrestling haters had better hide behind Stryke.
And his beard.
:0)
Great story actually Ant, even better seeing as I was in it and yes all wrestling haters had better hide behind Stryke.
And his beard.
:0)
Woah didn't notice this.
Great story actually Ant, even better seeing as I was in it and yes all wrestling haters had better hide behind Stryke.
And his beard.
Great story actually Ant, even better seeing as I was in it and yes all wrestling haters had better hide behind Stryke.
And his beard.
POP! I want some of the regs like Goatboy and misterhappy to read it. {:)
Mouldy Cheese wrote:
> Heh.
Thats the first one of your stories that I've actually read - methinks
> that i'll have to go and dig up some of the older ones.
>Very good.
Ooooh, thanks Cheese! Glad you enjoyed it. {:)
> Heh.
Thats the first one of your stories that I've actually read - methinks
> that i'll have to go and dig up some of the older ones.
>Very good.
Ooooh, thanks Cheese! Glad you enjoyed it. {:)
Heh.
Thats the first one of your stories that I've actually read - methinks that i'll have to go and dig up some of the older ones.
Very good.
Thats the first one of your stories that I've actually read - methinks that i'll have to go and dig up some of the older ones.
Very good.
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