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Solid Snake - imagine popping down to Tescos as Mr Metal Gear. Sure, it starts out fine. A few glances from the laydeez at your manly stubbled chin, a couple of scared old people staring at your muscular body. You feel good about yourself. Then you go and spoil it all. There's a security guard. Normal people do nothing special; they've got nothing to hide...or, they've done it before and have the CDs and DVDs safely concealed in their backpack. As Solid Snake, however, it's your natural instinct to snap his neck like a twig. People look on, horrified, and you run underneath a Wotsits box. You sneak past the security camera, and run away into the night, forgetting to bring your Skittles with you. Curses.
Sonic - yeah, it's all good and well for Sports Day. You're a hedgehog, you roll up in a ball and hurtle down the lane and take the 100m gold. But just try going BMXing with your friends. It's impossible! The moment you look like you're gonna fall off, you curl into a small sphere and fly off, smashing into a tree. And then there's the implications of going swimming. A loud noise, a sudden movement and you'd drown, all that blue fur (why does a hedgehog have fur, anyway?) dragging you down. Terrrible.
Samus - seeing the latest GC unmasked pics, if I was Samus I'd just sit at home all day naked in front of a mirror exploring myself. Alas, sooner or later I'd have to go out. Just imagine though, a young, pretty woman walking down the street alone at night. Imagine if she were to be attacked, mugged or even worse. Yes, I agree that with her weaponry Samus would be no easy target but consider the following - a criminal sneaks up on our Metroidian heroine from the side! With those whopping great shoulder pads, Samus is blindsided, and her guns, wallet and dignity is stolen.
Tommy Vercetti - this poor guy has enough trouble in games, but stick him in real life and you're all but done for. You go down to the newsagents for some fruit gums and a paper, where there's some dastardly Haitians hanging out. Why are they in the newsagent? Why isn't anyone stopping them from smacking me up silly? No-one knows. Then, having emerged from the hospital (where some evil doctor has nicked some cash), you walk down the road. You pass a policeman. You sneeze, getting a tiny glob of snot on the policeman's shoulder. All of a sudden he pulls a gun, a SWAT team drops from the roof of Woolworths and the FBI speed over. A tank hurtles down the road, flattening all the Fiat Puntos and Ford Focuses. Horribly stressful, that.
Ratchet - here's a guy I really feel for. You're down at a disco, busting some movies, checking the honeys...and then some overgrown coke can that's clinging onto your back comes up with some stupid geeky comment and all of a sudden you've gone from 'that cute furry guy' to 'that stupid hairball with the robot'. From stating the bleeding obvious ("a light switch! maybe you should switch it on") to harping on about his home planet, all you'd get is grief. And what would you put on your passport? Fox? Cat? Rodent? It would be a complete nightmare.
Blinx - many would love to be Blinx. Others see past the cool exterior and see the pain behind the ginger cat in the goggles. Think of the pressure poor Blinx'd be under at work. Surely the time crystal raid damaged his self esteem, and wherever he'd move on he'd feel inadequate. And then there's the problem of accidentally setting off a time crystal. Say you'd just done something awesome, like thrown up all over your dinner plate, and then you accidentally rewind: you'd never recreate the magic! This is how Hitler turned evil - a little known fact is he worked in the other time dimension, but when he accidentally rewound after inventing the internet, he went off in a huff and decided mass genocide was the only answer.
Well, I hope you all learned something here today. Thanks for listening...reading. I meant reading.
Solid Snake - imagine popping down to Tescos as Mr Metal Gear. Sure, it starts out fine. A few glances from the laydeez at your manly stubbled chin, a couple of scared old people staring at your muscular body. You feel good about yourself. Then you go and spoil it all. There's a security guard. Normal people do nothing special; they've got nothing to hide...or, they've done it before and have the CDs and DVDs safely concealed in their backpack. As Solid Snake, however, it's your natural instinct to snap his neck like a twig. People look on, horrified, and you run underneath a Wotsits box. You sneak past the security camera, and run away into the night, forgetting to bring your Skittles with you. Curses.
Sonic - yeah, it's all good and well for Sports Day. You're a hedgehog, you roll up in a ball and hurtle down the lane and take the 100m gold. But just try going BMXing with your friends. It's impossible! The moment you look like you're gonna fall off, you curl into a small sphere and fly off, smashing into a tree. And then there's the implications of going swimming. A loud noise, a sudden movement and you'd drown, all that blue fur (why does a hedgehog have fur, anyway?) dragging you down. Terrrible.
Samus - seeing the latest GC unmasked pics, if I was Samus I'd just sit at home all day naked in front of a mirror exploring myself. Alas, sooner or later I'd have to go out. Just imagine though, a young, pretty woman walking down the street alone at night. Imagine if she were to be attacked, mugged or even worse. Yes, I agree that with her weaponry Samus would be no easy target but consider the following - a criminal sneaks up on our Metroidian heroine from the side! With those whopping great shoulder pads, Samus is blindsided, and her guns, wallet and dignity is stolen.
Tommy Vercetti - this poor guy has enough trouble in games, but stick him in real life and you're all but done for. You go down to the newsagents for some fruit gums and a paper, where there's some dastardly Haitians hanging out. Why are they in the newsagent? Why isn't anyone stopping them from smacking me up silly? No-one knows. Then, having emerged from the hospital (where some evil doctor has nicked some cash), you walk down the road. You pass a policeman. You sneeze, getting a tiny glob of snot on the policeman's shoulder. All of a sudden he pulls a gun, a SWAT team drops from the roof of Woolworths and the FBI speed over. A tank hurtles down the road, flattening all the Fiat Puntos and Ford Focuses. Horribly stressful, that.
Ratchet - here's a guy I really feel for. You're down at a disco, busting some movies, checking the honeys...and then some overgrown coke can that's clinging onto your back comes up with some stupid geeky comment and all of a sudden you've gone from 'that cute furry guy' to 'that stupid hairball with the robot'. From stating the bleeding obvious ("a light switch! maybe you should switch it on") to harping on about his home planet, all you'd get is grief. And what would you put on your passport? Fox? Cat? Rodent? It would be a complete nightmare.
Blinx - many would love to be Blinx. Others see past the cool exterior and see the pain behind the ginger cat in the goggles. Think of the pressure poor Blinx'd be under at work. Surely the time crystal raid damaged his self esteem, and wherever he'd move on he'd feel inadequate. And then there's the problem of accidentally setting off a time crystal. Say you'd just done something awesome, like thrown up all over your dinner plate, and then you accidentally rewind: you'd never recreate the magic! This is how Hitler turned evil - a little known fact is he worked in the other time dimension, but when he accidentally rewound after inventing the internet, he went off in a huff and decided mass genocide was the only answer.
Well, I hope you all learned something here today. Thanks for listening...reading. I meant reading.