The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
How to decide what to get for people at Christmas time, huh? All your mates are useless, trying to be funny saying tampons and socks and tampon-socks...but I am a nice guy, and so I will help you. I'll describe a type of person and give you a gaming gift to get them.
THE TEENAGER WHO WANTS A LOCK ON HIS DOOR
For this young mast-ur-bating (why is that censored? It's politically correct and all that) drug doing truant, the ideal gift is an XBOX. Just plonk it by your door and nobody will be able to get in. Alternatively, you could use a winch to get it up vertically, and use it as a door in itsself.
THE FOUR YEAR OLD NIECE
Just get her a purple gamecube. "Aww! Look at the iddle thing!" It's better than a puppy, I tell ya. Just make sure she already has a CD player, or she might try playing the latest Will Young single in the GC and snap it. Then you'd be the bad guy.
GRANDMA WHO'S A BIT ILL IN THE HEAD
This is my personal favourite...buy her a PS2 and Rez, complete with the trancy special pulsing controller. The look on her face as her senility-ridden brain tries to decode the lights and patterns and vibrations will surely be priceless...although the medical bill after the inevitable fit will be anything but.
GRANDPA WHO WON'T TOUCH GRANDMA BECAUSE SHE'S ILL IN THE HEAD, AND ALWAYS BUYS THE DAILY SPORT 'FOR THE IN-DEPTH FOOTBALL MATCH REPORTS'
Poor guy. He isn't getting any, and the only boobs he sees are printed on second rate paper. So, to help your grandpa out, why not buy him an XBOX with BMX XXX and a pre-order for Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball? Just use the unlock all movies cheat on the former, and wait for the latter. Alternatively, buy that PS2 + porn film bundle from eBay.
UNCLE WHO WAS IN PRISON FOR SHOOTING THAT DOG WITH AN AIR RIFLE
A PS2 complete with Time Crisis 2 and GCon2. All the fun of the fair without handcuffs. And this time it's ninjas and big black men swinging huge poles of metal...not poodles!
WORKAHOLIC AUNT
Chances are she's never played it, and has a laptop for working on...so buy her The Sims and some expansion packs. She'll be addicted, glued to the screen so fast that before you can say "unlimited money cheat" she's lost her job, her house and her car...but it doesn't matter, because laptops are PORTABLE! Hurrah!
NEPHEW THAT'S AFRAID OF THE DARK
Rather than buying a nightlight, show this kid how to respect and fear the horrible abyss of black by giving him a PS2 with Ico. He'll wake up in cold sweats, imagining shadow men are coming to snatch him. He'll also stop whinging about holding his mummy's hand when crossing the roads...in fact, he'll insist on it.
UNCLE THAT HAD A TRIAL WITH CRYSTAL PALACE BUT BROKE HIS LEG AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL
Buy him a PS2 and Pro Evolution Soccer 2. Just to rub it in, like. Even better, play with him and thrash him. Watch a grown man reduce himself to a big blubbering broken legged mess. And, you know, wish it merry christmas.
COUSIN THAT'S RUBBISH AT GAMES
Get him/her a console with Harry Potter, or maybe a PSOne with Track and Field 2. All it takes is pressing two fingers down over and over again, until you grow so frustrated that you hurl your controller through the TV. And Track and Field ain't too hard too...HAHA!
Thanks for reading. Add your own if you like.
-Me
THE TEENAGER WHO WANTS A LOCK ON HIS DOOR
For this young mast-ur-bating (why is that censored? It's politically correct and all that) drug doing truant, the ideal gift is an XBOX. Just plonk it by your door and nobody will be able to get in. Alternatively, you could use a winch to get it up vertically, and use it as a door in itsself.
THE FOUR YEAR OLD NIECE
Just get her a purple gamecube. "Aww! Look at the iddle thing!" It's better than a puppy, I tell ya. Just make sure she already has a CD player, or she might try playing the latest Will Young single in the GC and snap it. Then you'd be the bad guy.
GRANDMA WHO'S A BIT ILL IN THE HEAD
This is my personal favourite...buy her a PS2 and Rez, complete with the trancy special pulsing controller. The look on her face as her senility-ridden brain tries to decode the lights and patterns and vibrations will surely be priceless...although the medical bill after the inevitable fit will be anything but.
GRANDPA WHO WON'T TOUCH GRANDMA BECAUSE SHE'S ILL IN THE HEAD, AND ALWAYS BUYS THE DAILY SPORT 'FOR THE IN-DEPTH FOOTBALL MATCH REPORTS'
Poor guy. He isn't getting any, and the only boobs he sees are printed on second rate paper. So, to help your grandpa out, why not buy him an XBOX with BMX XXX and a pre-order for Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball? Just use the unlock all movies cheat on the former, and wait for the latter. Alternatively, buy that PS2 + porn film bundle from eBay.
UNCLE WHO WAS IN PRISON FOR SHOOTING THAT DOG WITH AN AIR RIFLE
A PS2 complete with Time Crisis 2 and GCon2. All the fun of the fair without handcuffs. And this time it's ninjas and big black men swinging huge poles of metal...not poodles!
WORKAHOLIC AUNT
Chances are she's never played it, and has a laptop for working on...so buy her The Sims and some expansion packs. She'll be addicted, glued to the screen so fast that before you can say "unlimited money cheat" she's lost her job, her house and her car...but it doesn't matter, because laptops are PORTABLE! Hurrah!
NEPHEW THAT'S AFRAID OF THE DARK
Rather than buying a nightlight, show this kid how to respect and fear the horrible abyss of black by giving him a PS2 with Ico. He'll wake up in cold sweats, imagining shadow men are coming to snatch him. He'll also stop whinging about holding his mummy's hand when crossing the roads...in fact, he'll insist on it.
UNCLE THAT HAD A TRIAL WITH CRYSTAL PALACE BUT BROKE HIS LEG AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL
Buy him a PS2 and Pro Evolution Soccer 2. Just to rub it in, like. Even better, play with him and thrash him. Watch a grown man reduce himself to a big blubbering broken legged mess. And, you know, wish it merry christmas.
COUSIN THAT'S RUBBISH AT GAMES
Get him/her a console with Harry Potter, or maybe a PSOne with Track and Field 2. All it takes is pressing two fingers down over and over again, until you grow so frustrated that you hurl your controller through the TV. And Track and Field ain't too hard too...HAHA!
Thanks for reading. Add your own if you like.
-Me
How to decide what to get for people at Christmas time, huh? All your mates are useless, trying to be funny saying tampons and socks and tampon-socks...but I am a nice guy, and so I will help you. I'll describe a type of person and give you a gaming gift to get them.
THE TEENAGER WHO WANTS A LOCK ON HIS DOOR
For this young mast-ur-bating (why is that censored? It's politically correct and all that) drug doing truant, the ideal gift is an XBOX. Just plonk it by your door and nobody will be able to get in. Alternatively, you could use a winch to get it up vertically, and use it as a door in itsself.
THE FOUR YEAR OLD NIECE
Just get her a purple gamecube. "Aww! Look at the iddle thing!" It's better than a puppy, I tell ya. Just make sure she already has a CD player, or she might try playing the latest Will Young single in the GC and snap it. Then you'd be the bad guy.
GRANDMA WHO'S A BIT ILL IN THE HEAD
This is my personal favourite...buy her a PS2 and Rez, complete with the trancy special pulsing controller. The look on her face as her senility-ridden brain tries to decode the lights and patterns and vibrations will surely be priceless...although the medical bill after the inevitable fit will be anything but.
GRANDPA WHO WON'T TOUCH GRANDMA BECAUSE SHE'S ILL IN THE HEAD, AND ALWAYS BUYS THE DAILY SPORT 'FOR THE IN-DEPTH FOOTBALL MATCH REPORTS'
Poor guy. He isn't getting any, and the only boobs he sees are printed on second rate paper. So, to help your grandpa out, why not buy him an XBOX with BMX XXX and a pre-order for Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball? Just use the unlock all movies cheat on the former, and wait for the latter. Alternatively, buy that PS2 + porn film bundle from eBay.
UNCLE WHO WAS IN PRISON FOR SHOOTING THAT DOG WITH AN AIR RIFLE
A PS2 complete with Time Crisis 2 and GCon2. All the fun of the fair without handcuffs. And this time it's ninjas and big black men swinging huge poles of metal...not poodles!
WORKAHOLIC AUNT
Chances are she's never played it, and has a laptop for working on...so buy her The Sims and some expansion packs. She'll be addicted, glued to the screen so fast that before you can say "unlimited money cheat" she's lost her job, her house and her car...but it doesn't matter, because laptops are PORTABLE! Hurrah!
NEPHEW THAT'S AFRAID OF THE DARK
Rather than buying a nightlight, show this kid how to respect and fear the horrible abyss of black by giving him a PS2 with Ico. He'll wake up in cold sweats, imagining shadow men are coming to snatch him. He'll also stop whinging about holding his mummy's hand when crossing the roads...in fact, he'll insist on it.
UNCLE THAT HAD A TRIAL WITH CRYSTAL PALACE BUT BROKE HIS LEG AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL
Buy him a PS2 and Pro Evolution Soccer 2. Just to rub it in, like. Even better, play with him and thrash him. Watch a grown man reduce himself to a big blubbering broken legged mess. And, you know, wish it merry christmas.
COUSIN THAT'S RUBBISH AT GAMES
Get him/her a console with Harry Potter, or maybe a PSOne with Track and Field 2. All it takes is pressing two fingers down over and over again, until you grow so frustrated that you hurl your controller through the TV. And Track and Field ain't too hard too...HAHA!
Thanks for reading. Add your own if you like.
-Me
THE TEENAGER WHO WANTS A LOCK ON HIS DOOR
For this young mast-ur-bating (why is that censored? It's politically correct and all that) drug doing truant, the ideal gift is an XBOX. Just plonk it by your door and nobody will be able to get in. Alternatively, you could use a winch to get it up vertically, and use it as a door in itsself.
THE FOUR YEAR OLD NIECE
Just get her a purple gamecube. "Aww! Look at the iddle thing!" It's better than a puppy, I tell ya. Just make sure she already has a CD player, or she might try playing the latest Will Young single in the GC and snap it. Then you'd be the bad guy.
GRANDMA WHO'S A BIT ILL IN THE HEAD
This is my personal favourite...buy her a PS2 and Rez, complete with the trancy special pulsing controller. The look on her face as her senility-ridden brain tries to decode the lights and patterns and vibrations will surely be priceless...although the medical bill after the inevitable fit will be anything but.
GRANDPA WHO WON'T TOUCH GRANDMA BECAUSE SHE'S ILL IN THE HEAD, AND ALWAYS BUYS THE DAILY SPORT 'FOR THE IN-DEPTH FOOTBALL MATCH REPORTS'
Poor guy. He isn't getting any, and the only boobs he sees are printed on second rate paper. So, to help your grandpa out, why not buy him an XBOX with BMX XXX and a pre-order for Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball? Just use the unlock all movies cheat on the former, and wait for the latter. Alternatively, buy that PS2 + porn film bundle from eBay.
UNCLE WHO WAS IN PRISON FOR SHOOTING THAT DOG WITH AN AIR RIFLE
A PS2 complete with Time Crisis 2 and GCon2. All the fun of the fair without handcuffs. And this time it's ninjas and big black men swinging huge poles of metal...not poodles!
WORKAHOLIC AUNT
Chances are she's never played it, and has a laptop for working on...so buy her The Sims and some expansion packs. She'll be addicted, glued to the screen so fast that before you can say "unlimited money cheat" she's lost her job, her house and her car...but it doesn't matter, because laptops are PORTABLE! Hurrah!
NEPHEW THAT'S AFRAID OF THE DARK
Rather than buying a nightlight, show this kid how to respect and fear the horrible abyss of black by giving him a PS2 with Ico. He'll wake up in cold sweats, imagining shadow men are coming to snatch him. He'll also stop whinging about holding his mummy's hand when crossing the roads...in fact, he'll insist on it.
UNCLE THAT HAD A TRIAL WITH CRYSTAL PALACE BUT BROKE HIS LEG AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL
Buy him a PS2 and Pro Evolution Soccer 2. Just to rub it in, like. Even better, play with him and thrash him. Watch a grown man reduce himself to a big blubbering broken legged mess. And, you know, wish it merry christmas.
COUSIN THAT'S RUBBISH AT GAMES
Get him/her a console with Harry Potter, or maybe a PSOne with Track and Field 2. All it takes is pressing two fingers down over and over again, until you grow so frustrated that you hurl your controller through the TV. And Track and Field ain't too hard too...HAHA!
Thanks for reading. Add your own if you like.
-Me
Quite amusing apart from the odd one, well done.
Not bad.