The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Phew, just made it! Less than 10 minutes before RAW
Of course you'll probably all be reading this on Saturday, so it'll be a bit out of date, but anyway, here is my SmackDown spoof
Enjoy
SmackDown
*SmackDown goes on the air*
*The camera swoops around the arena, showing the following signs*
"Got strudel?"
"I'm Drunk 3:16"
"Hey Tori, I can pay more than Tajiri!"
"Billy - I'm confused too!"
"Billy and Chuck, where do you get your hair dye?"
"Hogan - share your steroids with X-Pac"
"Hogan is so old he farts dust"
"Wooooo - oooooooooooooo - ooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooooo - ooooooooooooo - ooooooooooooooo"
"Baby Game's Bananas - They're That Damn Good"
"I can dig it, sucka!"
"I bribed security to let me in"
"Chyna Was My Dad!"
"Hogan, you're due back at the retirement castle, it's supper time"
"Angle = Milkman"
"If You Read This Sign - You Are A Mark"
"Scott Hall stole my vodka!"
"Undertaker failed his driving test!"
"I'm DDP's dentist"
"Viscera RULES!!!!"
"HBK ain't never coming back..."
Cole - Hello everyone and welcome to SmackDOWN!
King - Wow, this is gonna be great, Michael!
Cole - It sure is king, just look at the main event for tonight... It's another tag match!
King - Oh my God! Really?
Cole - Sure is! This is proof, ladies and gentlemen, that ANYHTHING can happen in the World Wrestling Federation!
King - Yeah right (!)
Cole - Later on tonight, we're going to hear from Stone Cold Steve Austin!
King - That drunken redneck?
Cole - That drunken redneck! Yes!
*RVD's music hits, the crowd goes wild*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, R-D-V!
King - RDV?
Cole - Here comes the controversial, un-orthodox Rob... Van... Dam... He sure is great, isn't he, King?
*RVD points to himself*
King - Why does he always do that, Michael?
Cole - He's the whole dam show, King, and the fans love him!
King - You didn't answer my question...
Cole - Let's see who Van Dam's up against
King - Look!
Cole - His opponent?
King - No, puppies! You've gotta love 'em!
Cole - I would if I was straight... Oops
*The Dudleyz music hits, and they come down with Stacy Kiebler*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, being accompanied by D'Von and Stacy Kiebler... D'Von- I mean Bubba Ray Dudley!
King - It's the Duchess Of Dudleyville, Michael! Whoopee!
Cole - Well it looks as though RVD will be facing Bubba Ray Dudley tonight
King - How can you look at Bubba... when the leggy Stacy is here! Come sit by me baby, you can have Michael's seat!
Cole - Hey!
King - You're right... she can sit on my lap! Woo!
*RVD and Bubba Ray lock up*
Cole - Wow, this action is hot!
King - What match are you watching, Michael? Oh, wait, I'm not watching it either, because I'm staring at Stacy's butt!
*Bubba is dominating RVD*
Cole - Bubba Ray whips RVD into the corner. Bubba Ray punches RVD. Bubba Ray kicks RVD. Bubba Ray-
King - You know that gets real tiresome REAL quick
*RVD kicks Bubba in the head*
Cole - As JR would say, this is a real slobber knocker
*RVD jumps to the top rope, the crowd comes alive*
*RVD goes for the five star frog splash*
Cole - It's over! We have a new champion!
King - Um, Michael, there's no belt on the line
Cole - Really? You mean this isn't Maven vs Undertaker?
King - No...
Cole - So Maven hasn't been crowned the new hardcore champion yet?
King - No!
Cole - Oops...
*RVD gets the three count*
Cole - Well, RVD wins another pointless 1 minute match victory... Wow, he's going places!
*The lights go off*
Cole - What the?
King - Quick, Stacy, over here! I'll protect you!
*The lights come back on, RVD is lying in the ring, battered*
Cole - It's Goldust! What the hell is he doing here, King?
King - I don't know! Look at your notes!
Cole - Oh yeah... *reads* Goldust attacks Van Dam to further their feud... Hmm, OK... Damn that Goldust, King, he's furthering their feud!
King - What have I done to deserve this idiot? ...Oh wait, I remember, the thing with the delivery girl...
*Goldust stands on the turnbuckle, laughing*
King - Anyway, I thought RVD was feuding with Regal?
Cole - No, that's Edge
King - So why is Rikishi involved too?
Cole - OK, next we're going to hear from Stone... Cold... Steve... Austin!
King - You didn't answer my question...
*Stone Cold's dressing room*
Austin - What? I said get me a beer... what?
Debra - OK, Shteve
Austin - And some potato chips!
Debra - OK, Shteve
*Coach walks in*
Coach - Steve, Steve...
Austin - That's Mr Austin to you - What? - I said-
Coach - I heard you
Austin - Oh, OK. What do you want, you little mealy mouthed bas-
Coach - I want to know your reaction to the main event tonight, it's gonna be you and Rocky against Y2J and Kurt Angle!
Austin - Again?
Coach - Well, yeah... with so many main eventers the booking staff have a hell of a-
Austin - You know what my watch is saying?
Coach - Um... ten to nine?
*Austin looks at his watch*
Austin - Oh yeah, I always get the hands mixed up. Now get out of here!
*Back to Cole and King. In the background David Arquette can be seen, holding a "Former World Champ" sign*
Cole - Wow, Austin and the Rock vs Chris Jeri-
King - Ahem! That's the Undisputed World Champion Chris Jericho to us, Michael
Cole - And Kurt Angle... This is gonna be the main event to end all main events!
King - I hope so...
Cole - Now we have-
*Booker T's music hits and he comes down to the ring, staring at his hand*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, Booker G - I mean T!
King - It's Booker T! He's my hero you know, sucka!
Cole - I can still taste the vomit...
King - Urgh! We don't want to hear that, sucka!
*Rikishi's music hits and he strolls down the ramp*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at an unbelievable amount, Raaaaaaa-kishi!
King - Look at the size of that butt! It's disgusting! It's awful! It's foul! It's dimpled! Urgh! Dimples in his butt, Michael! Dimples in his butt!
Cole - OK, OK, I get you
*Booker T and Rikishi exchange right hands, Rikishi gets the upper hand*
King - Oh man, the flab on his butt is wobbling! I feel ill!
Cole - Not as ill as I felt last time they wrestled
King - Oh yeah... I feel better now, sucka! Ha!
*Rikishi gets the sidekick on Booker T, and begins dragging him to the turnbuckle*
King - No! Not again! He's going to have those foul, disgusting, stinky buttocks pressed into his face... AGAIN! This can't happen, Michael!
Cole - It's happening, King!
*Rikishi is about to give the stink-face when Booker rolls out of the ring*
King - Oh thank God! Booker was smart enough to save himself! That was a close one, wasn't it, sucka?
*Booker grabs a steel chair, rolls back into the ring*
Cole - No! He can't do that!
King - He can, sucka!
Cole - Do you have to keep saying that?
King - I sure do, sucka! Heh!
Cole - Look, there's a group of girls in the third row, just stare at them until the match is finished
King - Puppies? Woooo!
*Booker pushes the ref down and smashes Rikishi over the head with the steel chair*
Cole - Oh my God! No! He's going to steal a win, dammit!
King - Really?
Cole - What happened, I thought you were gonna stare at those girls?
King - Their boyfriends showed up... So what's going on?
Cole - That damn Booker T is going to steal a win!
King - Go Booker!
*The ref wakes up and sees Rikishi being covered by Booker T. He slides to make the count*
King - Refs these days, always in the wrong place!
*...1! ...2! ...3! The crowd boos. Booker gets up and stares at his hand. He can be heard whispering "5 time! 5 time!" He drops to one knee*
King - Oh my God! I think we're gonna see it! Yes! The spineroonie! Wow!
*Booker spins back up, still entranced by his hand*
Cole - Don't forget ladies and gentlemen, you can own the very same gloves that Booker T is wearing, just visit www.WWFShopzone.com for details
King - But I thought you hated Booker T!
Cole - I do, but I was told to try and con the audience into buying this worthless- Hey, erm... I believe we're going to see HHH and Steph who are currently with a doctor!
King - She's pregnant!
*HHH and Steph are sat on a sofa, a stereotypical doctor walks in, complete with white coat and stethoscope*
*Steph is grinning stupidly*
HHH - So you're telling me I can see a picture of my kid?
Doctor - Yeah, of course mate, smashing!
HHH - I'd better, or I'll kick your a**!
Steph - Hunter! You've got to be more gentle, soon there'll be a little Game running around, we can't have him growing up a violent Neanderthal like you, can we?
HHH - You're right, Steph...
Doctor - OK, here's the photos, see that there?
HHH - I'll kick your a**!
Steph - Calm down, Hunter! Calm down!
HHH - Sorry... I just get so- What did you call me?
*HHH pulls the Doctor to his feet*
Doctor - I didn't-
Steph - Hunter, put him down
HHH - Ahem... sorry, Doc
Doctor - Here on the fake ultra scan picture you can see the baby's arms
HHH - Wow, he looks like me!
Doctor - Of course with those implants it'll be difficult to breast feed...
HHH - (whispering) Dammit, shut up!
Steph - Isn't it great? Soon there's going to be a little McMahon running around!
HHH - You mean Helmsley
Steph - McMahon...
HHH - Helmsley!
Steph - McMahon!
Doctor - Hey, hey, hey... Relax!
HHH - You're right Doc...
Steph - Yeah, sorry
*The Doctor pulls off the stethoscope, his English accent is gone*
Doctor - So when do I get my money?
*Steph looks nervous, she coughs and motions towards the camera*
*Doctor has his accent back*
Doctor - My, um, money... for the... photos! Yes, the photos! Whew, that was a close one, eh? I almost gave the game away! Man these fans are stupid! They'll believe anything! Don't know they wrestling is fake?
Steph - *cough* We're still on...
*The Doctor looks straight at the camera*
Doctor - Oh shi-
*Back to Cole and King, who are laughing nervously*
Cole - Ha ha... ha ha ha... Those crazy English doctors!
King - Yeah, I wouldn't trust them to deliver a litter of rats! Never mind the billion-dollar baby!
Cole - I'd like to take this opportunity to remind the viewers that Wrestlemania IS coming your way, soon!
King - Yeah! I wonder who's gonna be in the main event! It could be Austin, Y2J, Angle or HHH!
Cole - We know who it is, Chris Jericho's taking on HHH and he's gonna lose. Weren't you at the meeting?
King - Ahem...
*Suddenly it dawns on Cole*
Cole - Ah... yes... Um, I mean... that's my... prediction! Yeah, my prediction of what's gonna happen... Oh man, I did it again!
*Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through! Hurricane's music hits and he comes down to the ring with a lot of cheers*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, Shane Helms... I mean Hurricane Helms... I mean the Hurrrrricaaaane!
*Billy and Chuck's music hits, and they run down to the ring*
Lillian - Making their way to the ring, Billy and Chuck - The Bum Brothers!
King - Bum Brothers???
*Billy grabs a mic*
Billy - OK, since this show is recorded on Tuesday, and shown on Thursday, when people in America are watching this... it'll be Valentines Day! So, Chuck, I have something for you...
*Billy reaches into his trunks*
King - Argh!
*Billy produces a card, with a big heart on it*
King - Phew!
Chuck - Woah, dude! Aw, you shouldn't have!
Billy - I know, I know! But I'm such a big hearted guy
Chuck - I got something for you too, Billy
*Chuck reaches into his trunks*
King - Argh!
*Chuck pulls out an identical card*
King - Phew! I thought he was gonna whip out his-
Cole - Ahem!
Billy - Wow! Man, you're the greatest!
Chuck - No, YOU'RE the greatest!
Billy - No... YOU are!
Chuck - No, YOU are!
*This goes back and forth as the Hurricane gets into the ring and climbs onto the top turnbuckle, putting on his cape*
King - What's that idiot doing, Michael?
Cole - He's gonna- Oh... wait... Um... I don't know, King
*The Hurricane missile drop kicks Billy, who crashes into Chuck*
Cole - Ha ha! Well he sorted that argument out, didn't he King?
King - He can't do that! Billy and Chuck were in the middle of a serious conversation!
Cole - A lover's tiff more like!
*Chuck rolls out of the ring and Billy and the Hurricane start*
Cole - Billy Gunn - one of the greatest athletes in the world today! No-one can match him for speed, power and agility!
*As Cole is saying this, Billy has to stop to catch his breath after trying to catch the Hurricane*
*The Hurricane gives the thumbs up and gets the eye of the storm on Billy while he is bent over trying not to pass out*
*The ref counts - 1! 2! 3! The crowd goes wild*
King - How did he do that?
Cole - Well, he's the hurricane, he's very... um... he's got a lot of... um... Well whatever "it" is, he sure is "it"
King - Do you have to practice being stupid, or does it come naturally?
Cole - Well actually-
*Shot of Maven and Al Snow in the locker rooms*
Al - OK, Maven. Even though you're a rookie who doesn't deserve any of this, they've given you- Sorry, you've "requested" this hardcore match against the "poorly received heel turn" Undertaker! Are you ready?
Maven - Yeah!
Al - What are you gonna do?
Maven - Go out there and job!
Al - No!
Maven - I'm not?
Al - No you idiot, his heel turn went so badly they're giving YOU the hardcore belt to try and revive it... God knows why, when I would make a much better champion...
Maven - Wow, they're giving me the title?
Al - Yeah, but don't tell anyone... Hey, wait, is that camera on?
*The cameraman nods with the camera*
Al - Oops...
*Back to Cole and King*
Cole - Wow, um... What more can I say?
*The Undertaker's music hits, the crowd goes insane*
Cole - The Undertaker - the most foul, and vicious and despicable human being in EXISTANCE! Worse than Hitler, worse than Stalin! He's the devil himself!
King - You know you really shouldn't be saying that stuff while the crowd are cheering like crazy for him...
*The Undertaker comes down on his bike, and circles the ring*
Lillian - Circling the ring, weighing in at over 45 years- I mean... Um... The Undertakeeeeeeer!
*Maven's music hits and he comes down with Al Snow, in a Tough Enough 2 t-shirt*
Lillian - And being accompanied by Al Snow, the winner of Tough Enough.... Raven!
King - Raven???
Lillian - *clears her throat nervously* Maven!
King - Ah
*Maven and the Undertaker exchange right hands, Maven being the face, gets the upper hand*
King - Been in the WWF 11 years and they have him jobbing to Maven... Man, what is the world coming to?
Cole - Great, isn't it?
King - Did you even listen to a word I just said?
Cole - Of course I think the Undertaker will win!
King - *sighs*
*The Undertaker low blows Maven*
King - This is a man who used to be able to put down ANYONE... and now he has to low blow a jobber like MAVEN to win?
Cole - Yeah, Maven HAS improved hasn't he? Future WWF champion in my opinion! Wrestlemania 25 will be great when he wins!
*Undertaker picks up an obviously fake bin lid, and cracks Maven over the head with it*
King - That'll knock some sense into him!
*Maven staggers around for a while, the collapses on the floor, Undertaker makes the cover*
King - Ha! That was easy!
*Undertaker gets up after the 2 count*
Cole - What the?
King - He's not finished with the rookie! Ha!
Cole - I think he would've kicked out anyway, King
*Undertaker picks up Maven and drops him onto a bin*
Cole - Oh no! How can the vile, evil, disgusting Undertaker do that to another human being! That's despicable! The Undertaker should be arrested!
*Al Snow runs in and smashes the Undertaker with "head" from behind, then slides out of the ring*
Cole - Al Snow has just saved Maven! Now Maven can take advantage and win the match!
*Maven is still out cold*
Cole - Any second now...
*Maven still doesn't move*
Cole - Any time now, King... any time...
*Still nothing*
Cole - Um... Maven's just playing possum, as soon as the Undertaker goes for a move, Maven will roll out of the way! Yeah, that's his plan!
*Undertaker gets up and leg drops Maven*
King - You were saying, Michael?
*Al can be heard whispering to Maven*
Al - Pssst! Maven, that's your cue, get up and start dominating!
Maven - OK, Al
*Maven suddenly jumps up and starts battling with the Undertaker*
Cole - Wow! Look at the intensity!
King - Do you even know what that means?
Cole - Just look at the Undertaker!
King - Once again, I may as well be talking to myself! You're not even listening to me
Cole - Yeah, you can use it
*Cole passes King his bottle of water*
King - Thanks (!)
Cole - As JR would say, Undertaker is being whipped like a government mule
King - What does that actually mean?
Cole - I dunno, but JR says it, so it must make sense
King - Riiiiight
*Maven drop kicks the Undertaker*
Cole - Dropkick! Dropkick! This is over! Maven's finishing move on the Undertaker! We have a new hardcore champion!
King - They already know that, Michael, you told them before, remember? Idiot
*Maven goes for the cover, but Undertaker kicks out*
Cole - What??? How did the Undertaker do that? That's not possible! He's in-human!
King - It was only a dropkick, Michael...
Cole - I was sure Maven was supposed to win this one, King
King - *sighs* Yes, but they're building up the tension
Cole - Oh, right, that's what it is... my bad
King - I'm working with amateurs!
*Maven and Undertaker are exchanging right hands again*
King - Former world champion, one of the most respected guys backstage... and he's jobbing to the winner of a TV show! I don't believe it...
Cole - Maven is the most deserving man in wrestling today!
King - What are you basing that on?
Cole - Well, um... you know... Um... Look at the intensity!
King - There we go with that word again! I'm gonna look it up in a dictionary for you!
*Maven drop kicks the Undertaker again*
Cole - Wow! Two moves in one match! Maven is really improving!
*Maven goes for the cover. 1! 2! 3! The crowd cheers*
Cole - He did it! He did it! Maven has overcome all the odds and won!
King - What odds?
Cole - There was no way ANYONE could've thought Maven would defeat the Undertaker!
King - Well, not until you TOLD everyone!
*Maven and Al Snow are celebrating in the ring. Undertaker simply gets up, shakes his head and gets on his bike to ride backstage. He can be heard cursing*
Cole - Wow, that is one of the greatest matches in WWF history! No doubt about that, ladies and gentlemen!
King - What?
Cole - It's here on my notes, every bad match, I have to say it was a classic
King - Wow, they wrote it in crayon for you!
Cole - Yeah, I can't read joined up writing
King - That explains a lot
Cole - Anyway, I believe now we-
*Vince's music hits and he comes down to the ring with his wife, Linda. They are walking hand in hand, smiling*
King - What the-?
*Vince gets into the ring and grabs a mic*
Vince - OK, listen up, I, the genetic jackhammer, have an announcement to make...
Linda - Yes... Vince... You... Do... Have an... Announce... ment... to make... Vince
Vince - Since my wife and I got back together, I've had a change of heart! No longer will I attack your favourite wrestlers or make fun of you poor working slobs... I'm a new man!
King - Back together? But they only got divorced on Monday!
Cole - Yeah, great isn't it?
King - No, it's not great! Whatever happened to continuity? One minute they hate each other, the next they're back together? What's up with that? When are the writers gonna pull their heads out of their as-
Vince - Now because, for some unexplainable reason, I'm a new man, I thought I'd make some changes... First, I've decided to cancel bringing in the NWO, and I'm going to give Ric Flair my half of the company!
King - What??? But he hates Ric Flair!
Vince - Also-
Linda - No... Don't... Tell... Them... We... can... reveal... it.... next week... Vince....
Vince - OK, darling. Now let's go make some babies!
Linda - O... K...
*Vince and Linda get out of the ring and start walking back up the ramp*
Cole - Wow, he's no longer bringing in the NWO? Wow, this is gonna be great, isn't it King?
King - No, no it won't! This sucks! I could pull a better storyline out of my as-
*Tazz's music hits, he and Spike Dudley come down to the ring*
Lillian - The following match is a TABLE match! For the WWF tag team championship! Making their way to the ring, Tazz and Spike Dudley!
Cole - Table match? As JR would say, this is proof, ladies and gentlemen, that ANYTHING can happen in the WWF
King - What are you talking about, Cole? We do table matches all the time
*Christian's music hits*
Lillian - Making their way to the ring, Lance Storm and the former champion of Europe... Christmas! I mean Christian!
King - Yay! It's Christian, the former champion of Europe! You know, Cole, being the educated man that I am, I *know* that the fans in Europe HATE having DDP as their champion! They'd much rather have Christian back! I hope Christian gets another rematch!
Cole - Look who he's with, it's Lance Storm! Lance Storm and Christian are taking on Spike and Tazz in a table match for the tag team championship!
*Christian starts off against Spike Dudley. Christian throws him around like a rag doll*
Cole - As JR would say, he's being whipped like a government mule!
King - Er, yeah... hey, look, Tazz really wants the tag!
Cole - Wait... you're actually watching the match?
King - Well yeah, there aren't any girls out here, so I may as well do something!
Cole - Full of surprises aren't we?
King - Hey, at least I can keep a surprise, Mr "Give Away All The Results"
*Spike tags in Tazz, who runs in and suplexes Christian. Storm runs into a clothesline*
Cole - Of course, no disqualification, no count outs, no pins or submissions, the only way to win is to drive one of your opponents through a table
King - Wow, you figured that out all by yourself?
Cole - What?
King - I think they know the rules by now. Hell, you have to look at your notes to see the rules!
Cole - I'm explaining it for any new viewers
King - New viewers? We're losing all the OLD viewers, what makes you think someone's gonna say "I know, after all these years of never watching it, I'll decide to put the wrestling on!" you idiot?
Cole - They might...
King - Yeah, and I might stop cheating on my wife... Ho ho, I mean, um... ooooh, errr... God, not again!
*Christian tags in Storm, who dukes it out with Tazz*
*Spike Dudley goes under the ring to pull out the tables. He slides one into the ring*
Cole - Spike Dudley, putting the table in the ring
King - They're not blind you know, Michael!
Cole - Some of them might be...
King - Sure, and they're watching the wrestling to listen to your witty commentary (!)
Cole - Thanks!
King - Why do I even bother...
*Tazz and Spike set up the table as Storm and Christian lie in the ring*
Cole - Tazz and Spike setting up the table
King - Here's an idea... why not try and let the viewers enjoy the match without you boring them to death?
Cole - OK
King - Good
Cole - So, Tazz and Spike have set UP the table, now they're...
King - Oh for God's sake!
*Tazz tries to tazz-plex Christian through the table, but he just bounces off it. The crowd start chanting*
Cole - The, ur, table, um... Didn't break! Oh no! Um, what are they gonna do now?
King - Try again, perhaps?
*Tazz and Spike look at each other, dumbly*
*Christian, obviously hurt by being dropped on his ribs onto a table which didn't break, is having spasms on the mat*
*Spike picks up Storm and goes for the Dudley Dog, to put him through the table*
Cole - Dudley Dog! Dudley Dog!
King - You know they called it the Acid Drop in ECW
Cole - Ssshhhh! That could be seen as a drug reference!
King - And they used to call Spike - "Little Spike Dudley"
Cole - Sssshhhh! The initials of that are "LSD", that could be seen as a drug reference!
King - Oh, so I suppose Rob Van Dam smoking weed before he goes out to the ring is OK, then?
Cole - Well, sure, because he's the whole dam show
King - You know, in ECW they used to call him the whole fu-
Cole - Hey, hey, hey!
*Storm gets Dudley Dogged through the table, the crowd cheers*
Cole - They did it!
King - What, won another worthless victory?
Cole - Exactly!
King - You're not listening to a word I'm saying are you?
Cole - You got that right!
King - You like to pour custard and jellow down your pants, don't you?
Cole - You got it!
King - I thought so... You know I have that on tape now... Whoopee! Future blackmail material!
*Regal's music hits, he walks down the ring, smiling and waving at the crowd, who boo him*
Lillian - Making their way to the ring... William Regal!
King - ^Their^ way??? There's only one of him!
Cole - Here comes the vile, despicable-
King - Are you going to say that about every heel who comes down?
Cole - Regal is pure evil. He's very tough, growing up on the mean streets of Blackpool. You know that's like their version of the ghetto in England
King - Really?
Cole - Yeah, I'm a bit of an expert on England
King - OK, where's London
Cole - Scotland, Mel Gibson won it in that movie, Braveheart
King - I rest my case...
*Regal grabs a mic*
Regal - Hello to all my fans in... Where the bloody hell are we? I tried to look for a sign on the way in, but all I saw was queues of jobless ignoramuses on the doll line...
*Crowd thinks about this for a second, then realises it's probably an insult, so boo him*
Regal - Anyway, I'm here to address the masses about... Edge
*Regal waits for a cheer from the crowd, but they remain silent*
Regal - Oh... Anyway, that foul, young hooligan has besmirched me for the last time!
King - I hope so! Their feud has been going on for months and nothing's happened yet!
Regal - So, you bloody idiot, I will give you one more title shot, and that's it! If you don't defeat me in this match, I will never give you another title shot! And don't forget, I have the power to dot that, I'm a member of Vince's kiss my... Um, "bottom" club! He owes me a favour!
King - That's right, he does!
Regal - So, young man, come out here for a thrashing of a life time so I can be rid of you for good!
*Regal waits patiently*
*Suddenly Edge comes through the crowd and clotheslines Regal from behind*
Cole - Wow, no-one saw that coming!
King - Yeah, only because it's been done so many times they thought we wouldn't be STUPID enough to have Edge do it again!
*A ref runs down and the match starts*
*Regal gets up and pulls the brass knuckles out*
King - Well at least they won't bore the audience TOO much, they're cutting right to the finish! He's gonna use the power of the punch!
*Regal swings for Edge, who ducks and gets the Edge-e-cution on Regal*
Cole - Edge-e-cution! Edge-e-cution by Edge! Edge-e-cution by Edge to Regal!
*The ref slides to make the cover*
*...1! ...2! ... Regal kicks out*
King - Oh my gosh, so close!
Cole - He kicked out, he kicked out, he kicked out! ...As JR would say
*Regal's nose is bleeding*
*Test runs down the ramp*
Cole - Oh no, what's that maniac doing here?
King - Test? Man, why do they keep bringing him into pointless feuds?
Cole - Well, according to the writers, it makes you feel sorry for a guy more if the odds are against him...
King - Thanks for the lesson, Einstein! I thought bringing in RVD was bad enough! And Rikishi! But they've brought in Test... AGAIN!
*Test distracts the ref while Regal smacks Edge in the head with the brass knuckles*
King - Finally this feud is over... phew!
*Regal makes the cover on Edge*
*1! 2! 3! The crowd boos*
King - Yes, yes, YES! Woo hoo!
Cole - I have a feeling this feud is far from over
King - But Regal said...
Cole - Says here in my notes this feud is due to go on another 6 months
King - Dammit! Why do they punish us like this?
Cole - This feud is just hotting up!
King - This feud has been "hotting up" for months! It's already stone cold!
Cole - Speaking of Stone Cold, they're up next
King - Well, at least you're listening to what I'm saying now
Cole - Yeah, I need the bathroom too. Must be all that water we've been drinking
*King bangs his head on the table*
*Rocky's music hits, the crowd goes insane, and he walks down to the ring*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring at this time, The Strudel- I mean Rock!
King - So... is the Rock feuding with Angle, or Jericho?
Cole - Neither, he's involved with the Undertaker
King - OK... so is Stone Cold feuding with anyone in this match
Cole - Um... nope, he's between feuds right now
King - So why the hell is this match happening?!?
Cole - Don't ask me! I just work here!
*Stone Cold's music hits and he strolls down to the ring, the crowd going wild*
Lillian - And his partner, Stone Cold Steve Austin!
King - Wow, she didn't screw up for once... Maybe we should give her YOUR job, Michael! She'd probably make less mistakes! Ha ha!
*Angle's music hits, the crowd starts chanting "You suck! What?" in time to his music*
Lillian - And their opponents, first, from Pittsburgh - New York, Kurt Angle!
King - New York???
Cole - Sssh, we're not meant to say anything when she makes a mistake, just smile and nod!
King - Thank God they got rid of that awful remix they did of his theme! Man that was terrible!
Cole - I helped produce that track
King - I could comment on that... but I don't think you'd even understand it if I did
Cole - You did what with the who now?
King - Don't strain that little brain of yours, Michael, I know breathing and thinking at the same time puts a lot of stress on it
*Chris Jericho's music starts with the countdown, then he appears at the top, spinning with his two titles*
Lillian - And his partner, he is the Intercontin- Europea- Hardco- Cruiserw- .... Um... Undisputed world champion! Chris Jericho!
*The match starts with Austin against Angle. They exchange right hands*
Cole - Angle punch! Angle punch!
King - What?
Cole - That's what we're calling them now - they're not punches, they're "Angle punches"
King - Riiiight... Well, anyway, he's going Olympic on Austin's butt!
*Austin gets Angle in the corner, and starts stomping a mudhole. The crowd chants "What?" with every kick*
King - You'd think they'd get tired of chanting that... but they don't
*Austin tags in the Rock*
Cole - The Rock, the people's champion, the great one, the Brahma bull! Has been tagged in by Austin, the rattlesnake, the toughest SOB, Stone Cold himself!
King - You gonna do this throughout the entire match?
Cole - Do what?
King - You know before you wondered why you were booed when you came out here at the start of the show. You want to know why?
Cole - Why?
King - Because of SmackDown 3! They hold you responsible for the God-awful commentary in the game!
Cole - Really?
King - Yeah! Didn't you see all the "Cole ruined the SmackDown series" signs on your way in?
Cole - I thought they were talking about some other guy called Michael Cole in the world wrestling federation who does commentary in SmackDown - Just Bring It
King - Right, you just keep telling yourself that
Cole - The Rock... is laying... the smack down on the... Kurt Angle... this feud will... last a long time after this match... The Rock... is... a nice person... German suplex! German suplex!
King - What the hell are you doing?
Cole - I thought you wanted me to do commentary like I did in the game
King - *looks puzzled* Fine... whatever, I'm out of here!
*King pulls off his head set and sits back*
Cole - Now Kurt Angle is getting the advantage over the Rock, the people's champion, the great one, the Brahma-
King - OK, I said I would go, but I thought I'd better save the fans as well... Cole, shut the HELL up!
*Crowd behind him cheers, the ratings go up*
*Angle tags in Jericho, who runs right into a spine buster by the Rock, who goes for the people's elbow. Austin runs in and takes down Angle*
*The Rock plants the elbow and goes for the cover*
*Suddenly, the ref is pulled out of the ring*
Cole - It's the Undertaker!
*The Undertaker beats on the Rock, then takes him backstage*
*Austin is left to fight both Angle and Jericho, who quickly start stomping on him*
*Shot of the Undertaker walking around with the Rock backstage*
Cole - Where is he taking the Rock?
King - *sighs* Check your notes
Cole - (reads) "Undertaker will take the Rock to the car park" Oh, OK... He's taking him to the car park, ladies and gentlemen!
*King cringes*
*Undertaker puts the Rock on a car, and gets up onto it*
Cole - Oh no!
King - What now?
*The Undertaker tombstones the Rock onto the top of the car. The Rock's head was clearly a good 6 inches above the roof of the car*
Cole - Oh my God! Look at the carnage!
King - Has JR been giving you commentary lessons again?
Cole - How could he do that to the Rock?
King - *sighs* Well, I bet he's injured now...
Cole - Yeah, says here he'll be injured up until after the Scorpion King comes out
King - You never learn do you, Michael?
*The Undertaker leaves the Rock, who is having spasms*
*Back to the match*
Cole - Austin is without a partner!
*Angle picks up Jericho who is about to hit him, when suddenly Austin gets the stunner on Jericho, then Angle*
Cole - Double stunner! Double stunner!
*Austin gets an arm over both Angle and Jericho*
King - Who's the legal man?
Cole - It doesn't matter!
*The ref counts - 1! 2! 3!*
Cole - He's done it! He's overcome the odds... again!
King - Is that it? Is the show over? Can I go home now?
*Shot of Vince and Linda, backstage*
Linda - I... waaaaaaaaaaant... aaaaaaa.... Divorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrceeeeeeee!
Cole - Oh no!
King - Again?!?!
*Linda storms off, Vince stares at the camera, and begins to smile*
Vince - Ha ha ha, forget all that stuff I said! Now I don't need to do any of it! I'm bringing in the N... W.... O!
Cole - "Now"? What's "now"?
King - No, the NWO, moron
Cole - Oh right
King - Idiot
Cole - Well, what a SmackDown this was! We had a whole bunch of good matches lined up, but we didn't get time for them, sorry!
King - Woo, I can get to my hotel room! Finally!
Cole - What's this news mean for RAW? Tune in next Monday!
*SmackDown goes off the air*
Of course you'll probably all be reading this on Saturday, so it'll be a bit out of date, but anyway, here is my SmackDown spoof
Enjoy
SmackDown
*SmackDown goes on the air*
*The camera swoops around the arena, showing the following signs*
"Got strudel?"
"I'm Drunk 3:16"
"Hey Tori, I can pay more than Tajiri!"
"Billy - I'm confused too!"
"Billy and Chuck, where do you get your hair dye?"
"Hogan - share your steroids with X-Pac"
"Hogan is so old he farts dust"
"Wooooo - oooooooooooooo - ooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooooo - ooooooooooooo - ooooooooooooooo"
"Baby Game's Bananas - They're That Damn Good"
"I can dig it, sucka!"
"I bribed security to let me in"
"Chyna Was My Dad!"
"Hogan, you're due back at the retirement castle, it's supper time"
"Angle = Milkman"
"If You Read This Sign - You Are A Mark"
"Scott Hall stole my vodka!"
"Undertaker failed his driving test!"
"I'm DDP's dentist"
"Viscera RULES!!!!"
"HBK ain't never coming back..."
Cole - Hello everyone and welcome to SmackDOWN!
King - Wow, this is gonna be great, Michael!
Cole - It sure is king, just look at the main event for tonight... It's another tag match!
King - Oh my God! Really?
Cole - Sure is! This is proof, ladies and gentlemen, that ANYHTHING can happen in the World Wrestling Federation!
King - Yeah right (!)
Cole - Later on tonight, we're going to hear from Stone Cold Steve Austin!
King - That drunken redneck?
Cole - That drunken redneck! Yes!
*RVD's music hits, the crowd goes wild*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, R-D-V!
King - RDV?
Cole - Here comes the controversial, un-orthodox Rob... Van... Dam... He sure is great, isn't he, King?
*RVD points to himself*
King - Why does he always do that, Michael?
Cole - He's the whole dam show, King, and the fans love him!
King - You didn't answer my question...
Cole - Let's see who Van Dam's up against
King - Look!
Cole - His opponent?
King - No, puppies! You've gotta love 'em!
Cole - I would if I was straight... Oops
*The Dudleyz music hits, and they come down with Stacy Kiebler*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, being accompanied by D'Von and Stacy Kiebler... D'Von- I mean Bubba Ray Dudley!
King - It's the Duchess Of Dudleyville, Michael! Whoopee!
Cole - Well it looks as though RVD will be facing Bubba Ray Dudley tonight
King - How can you look at Bubba... when the leggy Stacy is here! Come sit by me baby, you can have Michael's seat!
Cole - Hey!
King - You're right... she can sit on my lap! Woo!
*RVD and Bubba Ray lock up*
Cole - Wow, this action is hot!
King - What match are you watching, Michael? Oh, wait, I'm not watching it either, because I'm staring at Stacy's butt!
*Bubba is dominating RVD*
Cole - Bubba Ray whips RVD into the corner. Bubba Ray punches RVD. Bubba Ray kicks RVD. Bubba Ray-
King - You know that gets real tiresome REAL quick
*RVD kicks Bubba in the head*
Cole - As JR would say, this is a real slobber knocker
*RVD jumps to the top rope, the crowd comes alive*
*RVD goes for the five star frog splash*
Cole - It's over! We have a new champion!
King - Um, Michael, there's no belt on the line
Cole - Really? You mean this isn't Maven vs Undertaker?
King - No...
Cole - So Maven hasn't been crowned the new hardcore champion yet?
King - No!
Cole - Oops...
*RVD gets the three count*
Cole - Well, RVD wins another pointless 1 minute match victory... Wow, he's going places!
*The lights go off*
Cole - What the?
King - Quick, Stacy, over here! I'll protect you!
*The lights come back on, RVD is lying in the ring, battered*
Cole - It's Goldust! What the hell is he doing here, King?
King - I don't know! Look at your notes!
Cole - Oh yeah... *reads* Goldust attacks Van Dam to further their feud... Hmm, OK... Damn that Goldust, King, he's furthering their feud!
King - What have I done to deserve this idiot? ...Oh wait, I remember, the thing with the delivery girl...
*Goldust stands on the turnbuckle, laughing*
King - Anyway, I thought RVD was feuding with Regal?
Cole - No, that's Edge
King - So why is Rikishi involved too?
Cole - OK, next we're going to hear from Stone... Cold... Steve... Austin!
King - You didn't answer my question...
*Stone Cold's dressing room*
Austin - What? I said get me a beer... what?
Debra - OK, Shteve
Austin - And some potato chips!
Debra - OK, Shteve
*Coach walks in*
Coach - Steve, Steve...
Austin - That's Mr Austin to you - What? - I said-
Coach - I heard you
Austin - Oh, OK. What do you want, you little mealy mouthed bas-
Coach - I want to know your reaction to the main event tonight, it's gonna be you and Rocky against Y2J and Kurt Angle!
Austin - Again?
Coach - Well, yeah... with so many main eventers the booking staff have a hell of a-
Austin - You know what my watch is saying?
Coach - Um... ten to nine?
*Austin looks at his watch*
Austin - Oh yeah, I always get the hands mixed up. Now get out of here!
*Back to Cole and King. In the background David Arquette can be seen, holding a "Former World Champ" sign*
Cole - Wow, Austin and the Rock vs Chris Jeri-
King - Ahem! That's the Undisputed World Champion Chris Jericho to us, Michael
Cole - And Kurt Angle... This is gonna be the main event to end all main events!
King - I hope so...
Cole - Now we have-
*Booker T's music hits and he comes down to the ring, staring at his hand*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, Booker G - I mean T!
King - It's Booker T! He's my hero you know, sucka!
Cole - I can still taste the vomit...
King - Urgh! We don't want to hear that, sucka!
*Rikishi's music hits and he strolls down the ramp*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at an unbelievable amount, Raaaaaaa-kishi!
King - Look at the size of that butt! It's disgusting! It's awful! It's foul! It's dimpled! Urgh! Dimples in his butt, Michael! Dimples in his butt!
Cole - OK, OK, I get you
*Booker T and Rikishi exchange right hands, Rikishi gets the upper hand*
King - Oh man, the flab on his butt is wobbling! I feel ill!
Cole - Not as ill as I felt last time they wrestled
King - Oh yeah... I feel better now, sucka! Ha!
*Rikishi gets the sidekick on Booker T, and begins dragging him to the turnbuckle*
King - No! Not again! He's going to have those foul, disgusting, stinky buttocks pressed into his face... AGAIN! This can't happen, Michael!
Cole - It's happening, King!
*Rikishi is about to give the stink-face when Booker rolls out of the ring*
King - Oh thank God! Booker was smart enough to save himself! That was a close one, wasn't it, sucka?
*Booker grabs a steel chair, rolls back into the ring*
Cole - No! He can't do that!
King - He can, sucka!
Cole - Do you have to keep saying that?
King - I sure do, sucka! Heh!
Cole - Look, there's a group of girls in the third row, just stare at them until the match is finished
King - Puppies? Woooo!
*Booker pushes the ref down and smashes Rikishi over the head with the steel chair*
Cole - Oh my God! No! He's going to steal a win, dammit!
King - Really?
Cole - What happened, I thought you were gonna stare at those girls?
King - Their boyfriends showed up... So what's going on?
Cole - That damn Booker T is going to steal a win!
King - Go Booker!
*The ref wakes up and sees Rikishi being covered by Booker T. He slides to make the count*
King - Refs these days, always in the wrong place!
*...1! ...2! ...3! The crowd boos. Booker gets up and stares at his hand. He can be heard whispering "5 time! 5 time!" He drops to one knee*
King - Oh my God! I think we're gonna see it! Yes! The spineroonie! Wow!
*Booker spins back up, still entranced by his hand*
Cole - Don't forget ladies and gentlemen, you can own the very same gloves that Booker T is wearing, just visit www.WWFShopzone.com for details
King - But I thought you hated Booker T!
Cole - I do, but I was told to try and con the audience into buying this worthless- Hey, erm... I believe we're going to see HHH and Steph who are currently with a doctor!
King - She's pregnant!
*HHH and Steph are sat on a sofa, a stereotypical doctor walks in, complete with white coat and stethoscope*
*Steph is grinning stupidly*
HHH - So you're telling me I can see a picture of my kid?
Doctor - Yeah, of course mate, smashing!
HHH - I'd better, or I'll kick your a**!
Steph - Hunter! You've got to be more gentle, soon there'll be a little Game running around, we can't have him growing up a violent Neanderthal like you, can we?
HHH - You're right, Steph...
Doctor - OK, here's the photos, see that there?
HHH - I'll kick your a**!
Steph - Calm down, Hunter! Calm down!
HHH - Sorry... I just get so- What did you call me?
*HHH pulls the Doctor to his feet*
Doctor - I didn't-
Steph - Hunter, put him down
HHH - Ahem... sorry, Doc
Doctor - Here on the fake ultra scan picture you can see the baby's arms
HHH - Wow, he looks like me!
Doctor - Of course with those implants it'll be difficult to breast feed...
HHH - (whispering) Dammit, shut up!
Steph - Isn't it great? Soon there's going to be a little McMahon running around!
HHH - You mean Helmsley
Steph - McMahon...
HHH - Helmsley!
Steph - McMahon!
Doctor - Hey, hey, hey... Relax!
HHH - You're right Doc...
Steph - Yeah, sorry
*The Doctor pulls off the stethoscope, his English accent is gone*
Doctor - So when do I get my money?
*Steph looks nervous, she coughs and motions towards the camera*
*Doctor has his accent back*
Doctor - My, um, money... for the... photos! Yes, the photos! Whew, that was a close one, eh? I almost gave the game away! Man these fans are stupid! They'll believe anything! Don't know they wrestling is fake?
Steph - *cough* We're still on...
*The Doctor looks straight at the camera*
Doctor - Oh shi-
*Back to Cole and King, who are laughing nervously*
Cole - Ha ha... ha ha ha... Those crazy English doctors!
King - Yeah, I wouldn't trust them to deliver a litter of rats! Never mind the billion-dollar baby!
Cole - I'd like to take this opportunity to remind the viewers that Wrestlemania IS coming your way, soon!
King - Yeah! I wonder who's gonna be in the main event! It could be Austin, Y2J, Angle or HHH!
Cole - We know who it is, Chris Jericho's taking on HHH and he's gonna lose. Weren't you at the meeting?
King - Ahem...
*Suddenly it dawns on Cole*
Cole - Ah... yes... Um, I mean... that's my... prediction! Yeah, my prediction of what's gonna happen... Oh man, I did it again!
*Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through! Hurricane's music hits and he comes down to the ring with a lot of cheers*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring, Shane Helms... I mean Hurricane Helms... I mean the Hurrrrricaaaane!
*Billy and Chuck's music hits, and they run down to the ring*
Lillian - Making their way to the ring, Billy and Chuck - The Bum Brothers!
King - Bum Brothers???
*Billy grabs a mic*
Billy - OK, since this show is recorded on Tuesday, and shown on Thursday, when people in America are watching this... it'll be Valentines Day! So, Chuck, I have something for you...
*Billy reaches into his trunks*
King - Argh!
*Billy produces a card, with a big heart on it*
King - Phew!
Chuck - Woah, dude! Aw, you shouldn't have!
Billy - I know, I know! But I'm such a big hearted guy
Chuck - I got something for you too, Billy
*Chuck reaches into his trunks*
King - Argh!
*Chuck pulls out an identical card*
King - Phew! I thought he was gonna whip out his-
Cole - Ahem!
Billy - Wow! Man, you're the greatest!
Chuck - No, YOU'RE the greatest!
Billy - No... YOU are!
Chuck - No, YOU are!
*This goes back and forth as the Hurricane gets into the ring and climbs onto the top turnbuckle, putting on his cape*
King - What's that idiot doing, Michael?
Cole - He's gonna- Oh... wait... Um... I don't know, King
*The Hurricane missile drop kicks Billy, who crashes into Chuck*
Cole - Ha ha! Well he sorted that argument out, didn't he King?
King - He can't do that! Billy and Chuck were in the middle of a serious conversation!
Cole - A lover's tiff more like!
*Chuck rolls out of the ring and Billy and the Hurricane start*
Cole - Billy Gunn - one of the greatest athletes in the world today! No-one can match him for speed, power and agility!
*As Cole is saying this, Billy has to stop to catch his breath after trying to catch the Hurricane*
*The Hurricane gives the thumbs up and gets the eye of the storm on Billy while he is bent over trying not to pass out*
*The ref counts - 1! 2! 3! The crowd goes wild*
King - How did he do that?
Cole - Well, he's the hurricane, he's very... um... he's got a lot of... um... Well whatever "it" is, he sure is "it"
King - Do you have to practice being stupid, or does it come naturally?
Cole - Well actually-
*Shot of Maven and Al Snow in the locker rooms*
Al - OK, Maven. Even though you're a rookie who doesn't deserve any of this, they've given you- Sorry, you've "requested" this hardcore match against the "poorly received heel turn" Undertaker! Are you ready?
Maven - Yeah!
Al - What are you gonna do?
Maven - Go out there and job!
Al - No!
Maven - I'm not?
Al - No you idiot, his heel turn went so badly they're giving YOU the hardcore belt to try and revive it... God knows why, when I would make a much better champion...
Maven - Wow, they're giving me the title?
Al - Yeah, but don't tell anyone... Hey, wait, is that camera on?
*The cameraman nods with the camera*
Al - Oops...
*Back to Cole and King*
Cole - Wow, um... What more can I say?
*The Undertaker's music hits, the crowd goes insane*
Cole - The Undertaker - the most foul, and vicious and despicable human being in EXISTANCE! Worse than Hitler, worse than Stalin! He's the devil himself!
King - You know you really shouldn't be saying that stuff while the crowd are cheering like crazy for him...
*The Undertaker comes down on his bike, and circles the ring*
Lillian - Circling the ring, weighing in at over 45 years- I mean... Um... The Undertakeeeeeeer!
*Maven's music hits and he comes down with Al Snow, in a Tough Enough 2 t-shirt*
Lillian - And being accompanied by Al Snow, the winner of Tough Enough.... Raven!
King - Raven???
Lillian - *clears her throat nervously* Maven!
King - Ah
*Maven and the Undertaker exchange right hands, Maven being the face, gets the upper hand*
King - Been in the WWF 11 years and they have him jobbing to Maven... Man, what is the world coming to?
Cole - Great, isn't it?
King - Did you even listen to a word I just said?
Cole - Of course I think the Undertaker will win!
King - *sighs*
*The Undertaker low blows Maven*
King - This is a man who used to be able to put down ANYONE... and now he has to low blow a jobber like MAVEN to win?
Cole - Yeah, Maven HAS improved hasn't he? Future WWF champion in my opinion! Wrestlemania 25 will be great when he wins!
*Undertaker picks up an obviously fake bin lid, and cracks Maven over the head with it*
King - That'll knock some sense into him!
*Maven staggers around for a while, the collapses on the floor, Undertaker makes the cover*
King - Ha! That was easy!
*Undertaker gets up after the 2 count*
Cole - What the?
King - He's not finished with the rookie! Ha!
Cole - I think he would've kicked out anyway, King
*Undertaker picks up Maven and drops him onto a bin*
Cole - Oh no! How can the vile, evil, disgusting Undertaker do that to another human being! That's despicable! The Undertaker should be arrested!
*Al Snow runs in and smashes the Undertaker with "head" from behind, then slides out of the ring*
Cole - Al Snow has just saved Maven! Now Maven can take advantage and win the match!
*Maven is still out cold*
Cole - Any second now...
*Maven still doesn't move*
Cole - Any time now, King... any time...
*Still nothing*
Cole - Um... Maven's just playing possum, as soon as the Undertaker goes for a move, Maven will roll out of the way! Yeah, that's his plan!
*Undertaker gets up and leg drops Maven*
King - You were saying, Michael?
*Al can be heard whispering to Maven*
Al - Pssst! Maven, that's your cue, get up and start dominating!
Maven - OK, Al
*Maven suddenly jumps up and starts battling with the Undertaker*
Cole - Wow! Look at the intensity!
King - Do you even know what that means?
Cole - Just look at the Undertaker!
King - Once again, I may as well be talking to myself! You're not even listening to me
Cole - Yeah, you can use it
*Cole passes King his bottle of water*
King - Thanks (!)
Cole - As JR would say, Undertaker is being whipped like a government mule
King - What does that actually mean?
Cole - I dunno, but JR says it, so it must make sense
King - Riiiiight
*Maven drop kicks the Undertaker*
Cole - Dropkick! Dropkick! This is over! Maven's finishing move on the Undertaker! We have a new hardcore champion!
King - They already know that, Michael, you told them before, remember? Idiot
*Maven goes for the cover, but Undertaker kicks out*
Cole - What??? How did the Undertaker do that? That's not possible! He's in-human!
King - It was only a dropkick, Michael...
Cole - I was sure Maven was supposed to win this one, King
King - *sighs* Yes, but they're building up the tension
Cole - Oh, right, that's what it is... my bad
King - I'm working with amateurs!
*Maven and Undertaker are exchanging right hands again*
King - Former world champion, one of the most respected guys backstage... and he's jobbing to the winner of a TV show! I don't believe it...
Cole - Maven is the most deserving man in wrestling today!
King - What are you basing that on?
Cole - Well, um... you know... Um... Look at the intensity!
King - There we go with that word again! I'm gonna look it up in a dictionary for you!
*Maven drop kicks the Undertaker again*
Cole - Wow! Two moves in one match! Maven is really improving!
*Maven goes for the cover. 1! 2! 3! The crowd cheers*
Cole - He did it! He did it! Maven has overcome all the odds and won!
King - What odds?
Cole - There was no way ANYONE could've thought Maven would defeat the Undertaker!
King - Well, not until you TOLD everyone!
*Maven and Al Snow are celebrating in the ring. Undertaker simply gets up, shakes his head and gets on his bike to ride backstage. He can be heard cursing*
Cole - Wow, that is one of the greatest matches in WWF history! No doubt about that, ladies and gentlemen!
King - What?
Cole - It's here on my notes, every bad match, I have to say it was a classic
King - Wow, they wrote it in crayon for you!
Cole - Yeah, I can't read joined up writing
King - That explains a lot
Cole - Anyway, I believe now we-
*Vince's music hits and he comes down to the ring with his wife, Linda. They are walking hand in hand, smiling*
King - What the-?
*Vince gets into the ring and grabs a mic*
Vince - OK, listen up, I, the genetic jackhammer, have an announcement to make...
Linda - Yes... Vince... You... Do... Have an... Announce... ment... to make... Vince
Vince - Since my wife and I got back together, I've had a change of heart! No longer will I attack your favourite wrestlers or make fun of you poor working slobs... I'm a new man!
King - Back together? But they only got divorced on Monday!
Cole - Yeah, great isn't it?
King - No, it's not great! Whatever happened to continuity? One minute they hate each other, the next they're back together? What's up with that? When are the writers gonna pull their heads out of their as-
Vince - Now because, for some unexplainable reason, I'm a new man, I thought I'd make some changes... First, I've decided to cancel bringing in the NWO, and I'm going to give Ric Flair my half of the company!
King - What??? But he hates Ric Flair!
Vince - Also-
Linda - No... Don't... Tell... Them... We... can... reveal... it.... next week... Vince....
Vince - OK, darling. Now let's go make some babies!
Linda - O... K...
*Vince and Linda get out of the ring and start walking back up the ramp*
Cole - Wow, he's no longer bringing in the NWO? Wow, this is gonna be great, isn't it King?
King - No, no it won't! This sucks! I could pull a better storyline out of my as-
*Tazz's music hits, he and Spike Dudley come down to the ring*
Lillian - The following match is a TABLE match! For the WWF tag team championship! Making their way to the ring, Tazz and Spike Dudley!
Cole - Table match? As JR would say, this is proof, ladies and gentlemen, that ANYTHING can happen in the WWF
King - What are you talking about, Cole? We do table matches all the time
*Christian's music hits*
Lillian - Making their way to the ring, Lance Storm and the former champion of Europe... Christmas! I mean Christian!
King - Yay! It's Christian, the former champion of Europe! You know, Cole, being the educated man that I am, I *know* that the fans in Europe HATE having DDP as their champion! They'd much rather have Christian back! I hope Christian gets another rematch!
Cole - Look who he's with, it's Lance Storm! Lance Storm and Christian are taking on Spike and Tazz in a table match for the tag team championship!
*Christian starts off against Spike Dudley. Christian throws him around like a rag doll*
Cole - As JR would say, he's being whipped like a government mule!
King - Er, yeah... hey, look, Tazz really wants the tag!
Cole - Wait... you're actually watching the match?
King - Well yeah, there aren't any girls out here, so I may as well do something!
Cole - Full of surprises aren't we?
King - Hey, at least I can keep a surprise, Mr "Give Away All The Results"
*Spike tags in Tazz, who runs in and suplexes Christian. Storm runs into a clothesline*
Cole - Of course, no disqualification, no count outs, no pins or submissions, the only way to win is to drive one of your opponents through a table
King - Wow, you figured that out all by yourself?
Cole - What?
King - I think they know the rules by now. Hell, you have to look at your notes to see the rules!
Cole - I'm explaining it for any new viewers
King - New viewers? We're losing all the OLD viewers, what makes you think someone's gonna say "I know, after all these years of never watching it, I'll decide to put the wrestling on!" you idiot?
Cole - They might...
King - Yeah, and I might stop cheating on my wife... Ho ho, I mean, um... ooooh, errr... God, not again!
*Christian tags in Storm, who dukes it out with Tazz*
*Spike Dudley goes under the ring to pull out the tables. He slides one into the ring*
Cole - Spike Dudley, putting the table in the ring
King - They're not blind you know, Michael!
Cole - Some of them might be...
King - Sure, and they're watching the wrestling to listen to your witty commentary (!)
Cole - Thanks!
King - Why do I even bother...
*Tazz and Spike set up the table as Storm and Christian lie in the ring*
Cole - Tazz and Spike setting up the table
King - Here's an idea... why not try and let the viewers enjoy the match without you boring them to death?
Cole - OK
King - Good
Cole - So, Tazz and Spike have set UP the table, now they're...
King - Oh for God's sake!
*Tazz tries to tazz-plex Christian through the table, but he just bounces off it. The crowd start chanting*
Cole - The, ur, table, um... Didn't break! Oh no! Um, what are they gonna do now?
King - Try again, perhaps?
*Tazz and Spike look at each other, dumbly*
*Christian, obviously hurt by being dropped on his ribs onto a table which didn't break, is having spasms on the mat*
*Spike picks up Storm and goes for the Dudley Dog, to put him through the table*
Cole - Dudley Dog! Dudley Dog!
King - You know they called it the Acid Drop in ECW
Cole - Ssshhhh! That could be seen as a drug reference!
King - And they used to call Spike - "Little Spike Dudley"
Cole - Sssshhhh! The initials of that are "LSD", that could be seen as a drug reference!
King - Oh, so I suppose Rob Van Dam smoking weed before he goes out to the ring is OK, then?
Cole - Well, sure, because he's the whole dam show
King - You know, in ECW they used to call him the whole fu-
Cole - Hey, hey, hey!
*Storm gets Dudley Dogged through the table, the crowd cheers*
Cole - They did it!
King - What, won another worthless victory?
Cole - Exactly!
King - You're not listening to a word I'm saying are you?
Cole - You got that right!
King - You like to pour custard and jellow down your pants, don't you?
Cole - You got it!
King - I thought so... You know I have that on tape now... Whoopee! Future blackmail material!
*Regal's music hits, he walks down the ring, smiling and waving at the crowd, who boo him*
Lillian - Making their way to the ring... William Regal!
King - ^Their^ way??? There's only one of him!
Cole - Here comes the vile, despicable-
King - Are you going to say that about every heel who comes down?
Cole - Regal is pure evil. He's very tough, growing up on the mean streets of Blackpool. You know that's like their version of the ghetto in England
King - Really?
Cole - Yeah, I'm a bit of an expert on England
King - OK, where's London
Cole - Scotland, Mel Gibson won it in that movie, Braveheart
King - I rest my case...
*Regal grabs a mic*
Regal - Hello to all my fans in... Where the bloody hell are we? I tried to look for a sign on the way in, but all I saw was queues of jobless ignoramuses on the doll line...
*Crowd thinks about this for a second, then realises it's probably an insult, so boo him*
Regal - Anyway, I'm here to address the masses about... Edge
*Regal waits for a cheer from the crowd, but they remain silent*
Regal - Oh... Anyway, that foul, young hooligan has besmirched me for the last time!
King - I hope so! Their feud has been going on for months and nothing's happened yet!
Regal - So, you bloody idiot, I will give you one more title shot, and that's it! If you don't defeat me in this match, I will never give you another title shot! And don't forget, I have the power to dot that, I'm a member of Vince's kiss my... Um, "bottom" club! He owes me a favour!
King - That's right, he does!
Regal - So, young man, come out here for a thrashing of a life time so I can be rid of you for good!
*Regal waits patiently*
*Suddenly Edge comes through the crowd and clotheslines Regal from behind*
Cole - Wow, no-one saw that coming!
King - Yeah, only because it's been done so many times they thought we wouldn't be STUPID enough to have Edge do it again!
*A ref runs down and the match starts*
*Regal gets up and pulls the brass knuckles out*
King - Well at least they won't bore the audience TOO much, they're cutting right to the finish! He's gonna use the power of the punch!
*Regal swings for Edge, who ducks and gets the Edge-e-cution on Regal*
Cole - Edge-e-cution! Edge-e-cution by Edge! Edge-e-cution by Edge to Regal!
*The ref slides to make the cover*
*...1! ...2! ... Regal kicks out*
King - Oh my gosh, so close!
Cole - He kicked out, he kicked out, he kicked out! ...As JR would say
*Regal's nose is bleeding*
*Test runs down the ramp*
Cole - Oh no, what's that maniac doing here?
King - Test? Man, why do they keep bringing him into pointless feuds?
Cole - Well, according to the writers, it makes you feel sorry for a guy more if the odds are against him...
King - Thanks for the lesson, Einstein! I thought bringing in RVD was bad enough! And Rikishi! But they've brought in Test... AGAIN!
*Test distracts the ref while Regal smacks Edge in the head with the brass knuckles*
King - Finally this feud is over... phew!
*Regal makes the cover on Edge*
*1! 2! 3! The crowd boos*
King - Yes, yes, YES! Woo hoo!
Cole - I have a feeling this feud is far from over
King - But Regal said...
Cole - Says here in my notes this feud is due to go on another 6 months
King - Dammit! Why do they punish us like this?
Cole - This feud is just hotting up!
King - This feud has been "hotting up" for months! It's already stone cold!
Cole - Speaking of Stone Cold, they're up next
King - Well, at least you're listening to what I'm saying now
Cole - Yeah, I need the bathroom too. Must be all that water we've been drinking
*King bangs his head on the table*
*Rocky's music hits, the crowd goes insane, and he walks down to the ring*
Lillian - Making his way to the ring at this time, The Strudel- I mean Rock!
King - So... is the Rock feuding with Angle, or Jericho?
Cole - Neither, he's involved with the Undertaker
King - OK... so is Stone Cold feuding with anyone in this match
Cole - Um... nope, he's between feuds right now
King - So why the hell is this match happening?!?
Cole - Don't ask me! I just work here!
*Stone Cold's music hits and he strolls down to the ring, the crowd going wild*
Lillian - And his partner, Stone Cold Steve Austin!
King - Wow, she didn't screw up for once... Maybe we should give her YOUR job, Michael! She'd probably make less mistakes! Ha ha!
*Angle's music hits, the crowd starts chanting "You suck! What?" in time to his music*
Lillian - And their opponents, first, from Pittsburgh - New York, Kurt Angle!
King - New York???
Cole - Sssh, we're not meant to say anything when she makes a mistake, just smile and nod!
King - Thank God they got rid of that awful remix they did of his theme! Man that was terrible!
Cole - I helped produce that track
King - I could comment on that... but I don't think you'd even understand it if I did
Cole - You did what with the who now?
King - Don't strain that little brain of yours, Michael, I know breathing and thinking at the same time puts a lot of stress on it
*Chris Jericho's music starts with the countdown, then he appears at the top, spinning with his two titles*
Lillian - And his partner, he is the Intercontin- Europea- Hardco- Cruiserw- .... Um... Undisputed world champion! Chris Jericho!
*The match starts with Austin against Angle. They exchange right hands*
Cole - Angle punch! Angle punch!
King - What?
Cole - That's what we're calling them now - they're not punches, they're "Angle punches"
King - Riiiight... Well, anyway, he's going Olympic on Austin's butt!
*Austin gets Angle in the corner, and starts stomping a mudhole. The crowd chants "What?" with every kick*
King - You'd think they'd get tired of chanting that... but they don't
*Austin tags in the Rock*
Cole - The Rock, the people's champion, the great one, the Brahma bull! Has been tagged in by Austin, the rattlesnake, the toughest SOB, Stone Cold himself!
King - You gonna do this throughout the entire match?
Cole - Do what?
King - You know before you wondered why you were booed when you came out here at the start of the show. You want to know why?
Cole - Why?
King - Because of SmackDown 3! They hold you responsible for the God-awful commentary in the game!
Cole - Really?
King - Yeah! Didn't you see all the "Cole ruined the SmackDown series" signs on your way in?
Cole - I thought they were talking about some other guy called Michael Cole in the world wrestling federation who does commentary in SmackDown - Just Bring It
King - Right, you just keep telling yourself that
Cole - The Rock... is laying... the smack down on the... Kurt Angle... this feud will... last a long time after this match... The Rock... is... a nice person... German suplex! German suplex!
King - What the hell are you doing?
Cole - I thought you wanted me to do commentary like I did in the game
King - *looks puzzled* Fine... whatever, I'm out of here!
*King pulls off his head set and sits back*
Cole - Now Kurt Angle is getting the advantage over the Rock, the people's champion, the great one, the Brahma-
King - OK, I said I would go, but I thought I'd better save the fans as well... Cole, shut the HELL up!
*Crowd behind him cheers, the ratings go up*
*Angle tags in Jericho, who runs right into a spine buster by the Rock, who goes for the people's elbow. Austin runs in and takes down Angle*
*The Rock plants the elbow and goes for the cover*
*Suddenly, the ref is pulled out of the ring*
Cole - It's the Undertaker!
*The Undertaker beats on the Rock, then takes him backstage*
*Austin is left to fight both Angle and Jericho, who quickly start stomping on him*
*Shot of the Undertaker walking around with the Rock backstage*
Cole - Where is he taking the Rock?
King - *sighs* Check your notes
Cole - (reads) "Undertaker will take the Rock to the car park" Oh, OK... He's taking him to the car park, ladies and gentlemen!
*King cringes*
*Undertaker puts the Rock on a car, and gets up onto it*
Cole - Oh no!
King - What now?
*The Undertaker tombstones the Rock onto the top of the car. The Rock's head was clearly a good 6 inches above the roof of the car*
Cole - Oh my God! Look at the carnage!
King - Has JR been giving you commentary lessons again?
Cole - How could he do that to the Rock?
King - *sighs* Well, I bet he's injured now...
Cole - Yeah, says here he'll be injured up until after the Scorpion King comes out
King - You never learn do you, Michael?
*The Undertaker leaves the Rock, who is having spasms*
*Back to the match*
Cole - Austin is without a partner!
*Angle picks up Jericho who is about to hit him, when suddenly Austin gets the stunner on Jericho, then Angle*
Cole - Double stunner! Double stunner!
*Austin gets an arm over both Angle and Jericho*
King - Who's the legal man?
Cole - It doesn't matter!
*The ref counts - 1! 2! 3!*
Cole - He's done it! He's overcome the odds... again!
King - Is that it? Is the show over? Can I go home now?
*Shot of Vince and Linda, backstage*
Linda - I... waaaaaaaaaaant... aaaaaaa.... Divorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrceeeeeeee!
Cole - Oh no!
King - Again?!?!
*Linda storms off, Vince stares at the camera, and begins to smile*
Vince - Ha ha ha, forget all that stuff I said! Now I don't need to do any of it! I'm bringing in the N... W.... O!
Cole - "Now"? What's "now"?
King - No, the NWO, moron
Cole - Oh right
King - Idiot
Cole - Well, what a SmackDown this was! We had a whole bunch of good matches lined up, but we didn't get time for them, sorry!
King - Woo, I can get to my hotel room! Finally!
Cole - What's this news mean for RAW? Tune in next Monday!
*SmackDown goes off the air*
Page:
Man, I can't believe they did the Billy and Chuck thing on SmackDown!
I was just joking about it, and the WWF actually did it!
Hey, they should make me a writer ;)
I was just joking about it, and the WWF actually did it!
Hey, they should make me a writer ;)
Cheers
It was harder to think of jokes because Cole doesn't say "Rock bottom! Rock bottom!" every two seconds
Sorry that Grand Master Sexay didn't return in it by the way, heh, for all you GMS fans
It was harder to think of jokes because Cole doesn't say "Rock bottom! Rock bottom!" every two seconds
Sorry that Grand Master Sexay didn't return in it by the way, heh, for all you GMS fans
Great stuff once again, Mojojojo! Excellente!
OK, but I probably won't start it til after Wrestlemania though
Yeah, do a Wrestlemania full one. That'd be classical.
Cheers all
I'm thinking of doing a PPV one, maybe a full Wrestlemania?
It'll take ages! Heh
Let's hope some of the judges read this, eh? ;) Heh
I'm thinking of doing a PPV one, maybe a full Wrestlemania?
It'll take ages! Heh
Let's hope some of the judges read this, eh? ;) Heh
It's even better than the Raw one.
brilliant once again, maybe a PPV version in time for No Way Out?
Haha!
Very funny, yet again!
Brilliant stuff!
Are there any more of these to come?
Love them! :D
Very funny, yet again!
Brilliant stuff!
Are there any more of these to come?
Love them! :D
Page: