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IIRC, I once berated someone for writing a post akin to this for being very unoriginal. To that person: sorry, I'm a huge hypocrite. Oh well. Lots of other people may write this, but I've done it better, so hah. Read on. It's set this time next year, just in case you don't figure it out.
=== === === === === === === === ===
Hello and welcome to Gaming 2003 with me, the worst dressed man in video-gaming. On this New Year's Eve 2003 we will be addressing what has happened in these past 365 days in the videogame industry, and reviewing some upcoming games. Don't bother switching over to Jools Holland's Hotenanny, it's rubbish.
Now, the year got off to a flier with Nintendo announcing that they were suspending all future PAL game, peripheral and console releases indefinitely. The announcement was met by jubilant GAME managers who could finally free up that one shelf of Nintendo products to make way for more ancient Playstation trade-ins and Pokemon strategy guides...however, there was uproar in the many supermarket baby creches up and down the country who were looking forward to such triple-A titles as Metroid Prime, Wario World and Learn To Count with Bowser 1-2-3.
At the beginning of February several titles were released, such as Devil May Cry 2 which saw the return of feminine action heroes which were so celebrated in the likes of Tomb Raider and Metal Gear Solid 2. It also saw the unleashing of DOA:Xtreme Beach Volleyball on the unsuspecting public. The box was adorned with praise lavished upon the title by sad teenagers, with such memerable quotes as "you can buy nailpolish", "lololol" and "its wikkid u can play one handed aiiiii".
On March the 14th, a man referring to himself as Meka Dragon was arrested following a spat of rather violent crimes against humanity, perpetrated by games consoles. He was also charged with being behind an incident that took place in December of 2002, and was questioned but not charged over thousands of games and DVDs found piled up in his room which he said he didn't have to pay for.
XBOX Live was launched in April, bringing online console gaming to the general public...well, the 5% that have access to a broadband connection, anyway. Games such as Fifa 2003.5 and MechAssault were snapped up by eager players to play with people sitting on the other side of the island. Of course, cheaters using cheap tactics garnered much negative press attention to the already in legal trouble Microsoft, who redeemed themselves by releasing a new online-only peripheral that sends a huge electric current through to the headset of a player you feel has acted improperly. A PC version is in the pipeline.
May saw Nintendo finally unveiled the mysterious GBA add-on (PAL release TBC...well, maybe), which turned out to be a £70 lamp. Hailed as a work of genious, the 2 foot tall lamp takes one lightbulb so as not to seep power from the GBA's battery, and can fully illuminate the GBA screen for up to eight minutes per bulb. Shigeru Miyamoto was unavailable for comment as he was too busy counting all of his money. The lamps can be imported from Japan for an average price of £6,000,000.
June was a busy month for Sony, as they were sued for copyright infringement when a man named Playstation 2 discovered there was a console with the very same name. The defence pointed out that Mr PS 2 had changed his name by deed poll BECAUSE of the console, and didn't actually have any patent on the name - he'd simply drawn a © on his credit card. The case was thrown out, and now Sony are suing the man. The trial is set to take place somewhere in late 2004.
In July, creator of Metal Gear Solid and all-round nice guy Hideo Kojima announced his most ambitious, conceptual game ever. Hot on the heels of the revolutionary MGS2:Substance (silly rehashes that advertise features that aren't even in the game) and his latest GBA title (that used a solar panel), this newest, as yet untitled XBOX exclusive will be so revolutionarily ambitiously spectacularly conceptual, that rather than inserting it into the disc tray you'll need to swallow all three DVDs. Whilst the XBOX is on. We have still not had confirmation of a rumour there will be a special controller.
August was the start of the football season, and it was also the start of the latest craze - pen and ink graphics. Taking cel-shading one step further, the mode sometimes hidden away as a cheat in FPSs has been developed into a fully blown graphical style, with games being nothing but dark lines and white space. Some games, such as Tenchu 4, look astonishingly stylish whereas others, like GTA4, lose some of their impact. And the new pen-and-ink Pro Evolution Soccer obviously wasn't thought through very well, as nobody can tell who's on which team.
September is a time where children went back to school and Woolworths stop their sales, and it was also when the XBOX brought in the big guns in an attempt to claw its way closer to the PS2. In addition to an XBOX and controller, you recieve free Halo, Splinter Cell, Sega GT, Jet Set Radio Future, Dead or Alive 3, Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball, Amped, Project Gotham Racing, Deathrow, Steel Battalion (with controller), and another copy of Amped all for just £14.97. In that month, the XBOX outsold the PS2 7 to 5, but as it stands now the deal has been costly for Microsoft. Bill Gates had to sell a third of his house to cover the £18billion debt racked up after the pack-in.
Sony acted swiftly, and a month later in October the PS2 saw the most user 'friendly' pack-ins for the most casual of gamers. One pack saw a PS2 and controller, BMX XXX, the official DVD remote and Backdoor Bangers, Girls Gone Wild and lastly College Students Xposed. The girls' pack contained the console and a controller, Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly, Rez and the special vibrating controller.
November is the time of Autumn, with leaves falling off trees, leaving them bare and exposed like sleazy porn stars from the PS2 Boys Pack...so it was fitting that on the 1st of November, every single XBOX's front fell away to reveal a beige PC with Microsoft logos all over it. Many gamers, up all night in a marathon Live session, passed out when the machine suddenly reared its ugly desktop head. Customer service lines were jammed, but Microsoft still deny any faults with the XBOX, despite everyone knowing that they're big fat liars.
And now December, this very month. December 2003 was a quiet month, and it's a good job too. After all the hectic happenings of the past year, everyone just bought loads of Christmas presents for each other and got on with playing them. No silly lawsuits, or peripherals, or delays...just good old fashioned gaming. And really, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. The games. Have a great new year.
Thanks for listening.
=== === === === === === === === ===
Hello and welcome to Gaming 2003 with me, the worst dressed man in video-gaming. On this New Year's Eve 2003 we will be addressing what has happened in these past 365 days in the videogame industry, and reviewing some upcoming games. Don't bother switching over to Jools Holland's Hotenanny, it's rubbish.
Now, the year got off to a flier with Nintendo announcing that they were suspending all future PAL game, peripheral and console releases indefinitely. The announcement was met by jubilant GAME managers who could finally free up that one shelf of Nintendo products to make way for more ancient Playstation trade-ins and Pokemon strategy guides...however, there was uproar in the many supermarket baby creches up and down the country who were looking forward to such triple-A titles as Metroid Prime, Wario World and Learn To Count with Bowser 1-2-3.
At the beginning of February several titles were released, such as Devil May Cry 2 which saw the return of feminine action heroes which were so celebrated in the likes of Tomb Raider and Metal Gear Solid 2. It also saw the unleashing of DOA:Xtreme Beach Volleyball on the unsuspecting public. The box was adorned with praise lavished upon the title by sad teenagers, with such memerable quotes as "you can buy nailpolish", "lololol" and "its wikkid u can play one handed aiiiii".
On March the 14th, a man referring to himself as Meka Dragon was arrested following a spat of rather violent crimes against humanity, perpetrated by games consoles. He was also charged with being behind an incident that took place in December of 2002, and was questioned but not charged over thousands of games and DVDs found piled up in his room which he said he didn't have to pay for.
XBOX Live was launched in April, bringing online console gaming to the general public...well, the 5% that have access to a broadband connection, anyway. Games such as Fifa 2003.5 and MechAssault were snapped up by eager players to play with people sitting on the other side of the island. Of course, cheaters using cheap tactics garnered much negative press attention to the already in legal trouble Microsoft, who redeemed themselves by releasing a new online-only peripheral that sends a huge electric current through to the headset of a player you feel has acted improperly. A PC version is in the pipeline.
May saw Nintendo finally unveiled the mysterious GBA add-on (PAL release TBC...well, maybe), which turned out to be a £70 lamp. Hailed as a work of genious, the 2 foot tall lamp takes one lightbulb so as not to seep power from the GBA's battery, and can fully illuminate the GBA screen for up to eight minutes per bulb. Shigeru Miyamoto was unavailable for comment as he was too busy counting all of his money. The lamps can be imported from Japan for an average price of £6,000,000.
June was a busy month for Sony, as they were sued for copyright infringement when a man named Playstation 2 discovered there was a console with the very same name. The defence pointed out that Mr PS 2 had changed his name by deed poll BECAUSE of the console, and didn't actually have any patent on the name - he'd simply drawn a © on his credit card. The case was thrown out, and now Sony are suing the man. The trial is set to take place somewhere in late 2004.
In July, creator of Metal Gear Solid and all-round nice guy Hideo Kojima announced his most ambitious, conceptual game ever. Hot on the heels of the revolutionary MGS2:Substance (silly rehashes that advertise features that aren't even in the game) and his latest GBA title (that used a solar panel), this newest, as yet untitled XBOX exclusive will be so revolutionarily ambitiously spectacularly conceptual, that rather than inserting it into the disc tray you'll need to swallow all three DVDs. Whilst the XBOX is on. We have still not had confirmation of a rumour there will be a special controller.
August was the start of the football season, and it was also the start of the latest craze - pen and ink graphics. Taking cel-shading one step further, the mode sometimes hidden away as a cheat in FPSs has been developed into a fully blown graphical style, with games being nothing but dark lines and white space. Some games, such as Tenchu 4, look astonishingly stylish whereas others, like GTA4, lose some of their impact. And the new pen-and-ink Pro Evolution Soccer obviously wasn't thought through very well, as nobody can tell who's on which team.
September is a time where children went back to school and Woolworths stop their sales, and it was also when the XBOX brought in the big guns in an attempt to claw its way closer to the PS2. In addition to an XBOX and controller, you recieve free Halo, Splinter Cell, Sega GT, Jet Set Radio Future, Dead or Alive 3, Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball, Amped, Project Gotham Racing, Deathrow, Steel Battalion (with controller), and another copy of Amped all for just £14.97. In that month, the XBOX outsold the PS2 7 to 5, but as it stands now the deal has been costly for Microsoft. Bill Gates had to sell a third of his house to cover the £18billion debt racked up after the pack-in.
Sony acted swiftly, and a month later in October the PS2 saw the most user 'friendly' pack-ins for the most casual of gamers. One pack saw a PS2 and controller, BMX XXX, the official DVD remote and Backdoor Bangers, Girls Gone Wild and lastly College Students Xposed. The girls' pack contained the console and a controller, Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly, Rez and the special vibrating controller.
November is the time of Autumn, with leaves falling off trees, leaving them bare and exposed like sleazy porn stars from the PS2 Boys Pack...so it was fitting that on the 1st of November, every single XBOX's front fell away to reveal a beige PC with Microsoft logos all over it. Many gamers, up all night in a marathon Live session, passed out when the machine suddenly reared its ugly desktop head. Customer service lines were jammed, but Microsoft still deny any faults with the XBOX, despite everyone knowing that they're big fat liars.
And now December, this very month. December 2003 was a quiet month, and it's a good job too. After all the hectic happenings of the past year, everyone just bought loads of Christmas presents for each other and got on with playing them. No silly lawsuits, or peripherals, or delays...just good old fashioned gaming. And really, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. The games. Have a great new year.
Thanks for listening.
El Blokey wrote:
> A more dedicated poster would use Word's "Find and
> Replace"...
we call those posters nerds.
> A more dedicated poster would use Word's "Find and
> Replace"...
we call those posters nerds.
Nice post El Blokey.
A more dedicated poster would use Word's "Find and Replace"...
Whenever I do posts with Mario in I have '-a' after every word. Sadly, it normally makes the post worst :-D
Nicely done, would have been funnier with a continuous lisp though!
I was going to use the w for r thing, but couldn't be bothered doing it the whole way through.
Shouldn't that be 'Hewwo and wewcome' if it's presented by Jonathan Ross? :-)
Nice post
Nice post
IIRC, I once berated someone for writing a post akin to this for being very unoriginal. To that person: sorry, I'm a huge hypocrite. Oh well. Lots of other people may write this, but I've done it better, so hah. Read on. It's set this time next year, just in case you don't figure it out.
=== === === === === === === === ===
Hello and welcome to Gaming 2003 with me, the worst dressed man in video-gaming. On this New Year's Eve 2003 we will be addressing what has happened in these past 365 days in the videogame industry, and reviewing some upcoming games. Don't bother switching over to Jools Holland's Hotenanny, it's rubbish.
Now, the year got off to a flier with Nintendo announcing that they were suspending all future PAL game, peripheral and console releases indefinitely. The announcement was met by jubilant GAME managers who could finally free up that one shelf of Nintendo products to make way for more ancient Playstation trade-ins and Pokemon strategy guides...however, there was uproar in the many supermarket baby creches up and down the country who were looking forward to such triple-A titles as Metroid Prime, Wario World and Learn To Count with Bowser 1-2-3.
At the beginning of February several titles were released, such as Devil May Cry 2 which saw the return of feminine action heroes which were so celebrated in the likes of Tomb Raider and Metal Gear Solid 2. It also saw the unleashing of DOA:Xtreme Beach Volleyball on the unsuspecting public. The box was adorned with praise lavished upon the title by sad teenagers, with such memerable quotes as "you can buy nailpolish", "lololol" and "its wikkid u can play one handed aiiiii".
On March the 14th, a man referring to himself as Meka Dragon was arrested following a spat of rather violent crimes against humanity, perpetrated by games consoles. He was also charged with being behind an incident that took place in December of 2002, and was questioned but not charged over thousands of games and DVDs found piled up in his room which he said he didn't have to pay for.
XBOX Live was launched in April, bringing online console gaming to the general public...well, the 5% that have access to a broadband connection, anyway. Games such as Fifa 2003.5 and MechAssault were snapped up by eager players to play with people sitting on the other side of the island. Of course, cheaters using cheap tactics garnered much negative press attention to the already in legal trouble Microsoft, who redeemed themselves by releasing a new online-only peripheral that sends a huge electric current through to the headset of a player you feel has acted improperly. A PC version is in the pipeline.
May saw Nintendo finally unveiled the mysterious GBA add-on (PAL release TBC...well, maybe), which turned out to be a £70 lamp. Hailed as a work of genious, the 2 foot tall lamp takes one lightbulb so as not to seep power from the GBA's battery, and can fully illuminate the GBA screen for up to eight minutes per bulb. Shigeru Miyamoto was unavailable for comment as he was too busy counting all of his money. The lamps can be imported from Japan for an average price of £6,000,000.
June was a busy month for Sony, as they were sued for copyright infringement when a man named Playstation 2 discovered there was a console with the very same name. The defence pointed out that Mr PS 2 had changed his name by deed poll BECAUSE of the console, and didn't actually have any patent on the name - he'd simply drawn a © on his credit card. The case was thrown out, and now Sony are suing the man. The trial is set to take place somewhere in late 2004.
In July, creator of Metal Gear Solid and all-round nice guy Hideo Kojima announced his most ambitious, conceptual game ever. Hot on the heels of the revolutionary MGS2:Substance (silly rehashes that advertise features that aren't even in the game) and his latest GBA title (that used a solar panel), this newest, as yet untitled XBOX exclusive will be so revolutionarily ambitiously spectacularly conceptual, that rather than inserting it into the disc tray you'll need to swallow all three DVDs. Whilst the XBOX is on. We have still not had confirmation of a rumour there will be a special controller.
August was the start of the football season, and it was also the start of the latest craze - pen and ink graphics. Taking cel-shading one step further, the mode sometimes hidden away as a cheat in FPSs has been developed into a fully blown graphical style, with games being nothing but dark lines and white space. Some games, such as Tenchu 4, look astonishingly stylish whereas others, like GTA4, lose some of their impact. And the new pen-and-ink Pro Evolution Soccer obviously wasn't thought through very well, as nobody can tell who's on which team.
September is a time where children went back to school and Woolworths stop their sales, and it was also when the XBOX brought in the big guns in an attempt to claw its way closer to the PS2. In addition to an XBOX and controller, you recieve free Halo, Splinter Cell, Sega GT, Jet Set Radio Future, Dead or Alive 3, Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball, Amped, Project Gotham Racing, Deathrow, Steel Battalion (with controller), and another copy of Amped all for just £14.97. In that month, the XBOX outsold the PS2 7 to 5, but as it stands now the deal has been costly for Microsoft. Bill Gates had to sell a third of his house to cover the £18billion debt racked up after the pack-in.
Sony acted swiftly, and a month later in October the PS2 saw the most user 'friendly' pack-ins for the most casual of gamers. One pack saw a PS2 and controller, BMX XXX, the official DVD remote and Backdoor Bangers, Girls Gone Wild and lastly College Students Xposed. The girls' pack contained the console and a controller, Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly, Rez and the special vibrating controller.
November is the time of Autumn, with leaves falling off trees, leaving them bare and exposed like sleazy porn stars from the PS2 Boys Pack...so it was fitting that on the 1st of November, every single XBOX's front fell away to reveal a beige PC with Microsoft logos all over it. Many gamers, up all night in a marathon Live session, passed out when the machine suddenly reared its ugly desktop head. Customer service lines were jammed, but Microsoft still deny any faults with the XBOX, despite everyone knowing that they're big fat liars.
And now December, this very month. December 2003 was a quiet month, and it's a good job too. After all the hectic happenings of the past year, everyone just bought loads of Christmas presents for each other and got on with playing them. No silly lawsuits, or peripherals, or delays...just good old fashioned gaming. And really, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. The games. Have a great new year.
Thanks for listening.
=== === === === === === === === ===
Hello and welcome to Gaming 2003 with me, the worst dressed man in video-gaming. On this New Year's Eve 2003 we will be addressing what has happened in these past 365 days in the videogame industry, and reviewing some upcoming games. Don't bother switching over to Jools Holland's Hotenanny, it's rubbish.
Now, the year got off to a flier with Nintendo announcing that they were suspending all future PAL game, peripheral and console releases indefinitely. The announcement was met by jubilant GAME managers who could finally free up that one shelf of Nintendo products to make way for more ancient Playstation trade-ins and Pokemon strategy guides...however, there was uproar in the many supermarket baby creches up and down the country who were looking forward to such triple-A titles as Metroid Prime, Wario World and Learn To Count with Bowser 1-2-3.
At the beginning of February several titles were released, such as Devil May Cry 2 which saw the return of feminine action heroes which were so celebrated in the likes of Tomb Raider and Metal Gear Solid 2. It also saw the unleashing of DOA:Xtreme Beach Volleyball on the unsuspecting public. The box was adorned with praise lavished upon the title by sad teenagers, with such memerable quotes as "you can buy nailpolish", "lololol" and "its wikkid u can play one handed aiiiii".
On March the 14th, a man referring to himself as Meka Dragon was arrested following a spat of rather violent crimes against humanity, perpetrated by games consoles. He was also charged with being behind an incident that took place in December of 2002, and was questioned but not charged over thousands of games and DVDs found piled up in his room which he said he didn't have to pay for.
XBOX Live was launched in April, bringing online console gaming to the general public...well, the 5% that have access to a broadband connection, anyway. Games such as Fifa 2003.5 and MechAssault were snapped up by eager players to play with people sitting on the other side of the island. Of course, cheaters using cheap tactics garnered much negative press attention to the already in legal trouble Microsoft, who redeemed themselves by releasing a new online-only peripheral that sends a huge electric current through to the headset of a player you feel has acted improperly. A PC version is in the pipeline.
May saw Nintendo finally unveiled the mysterious GBA add-on (PAL release TBC...well, maybe), which turned out to be a £70 lamp. Hailed as a work of genious, the 2 foot tall lamp takes one lightbulb so as not to seep power from the GBA's battery, and can fully illuminate the GBA screen for up to eight minutes per bulb. Shigeru Miyamoto was unavailable for comment as he was too busy counting all of his money. The lamps can be imported from Japan for an average price of £6,000,000.
June was a busy month for Sony, as they were sued for copyright infringement when a man named Playstation 2 discovered there was a console with the very same name. The defence pointed out that Mr PS 2 had changed his name by deed poll BECAUSE of the console, and didn't actually have any patent on the name - he'd simply drawn a © on his credit card. The case was thrown out, and now Sony are suing the man. The trial is set to take place somewhere in late 2004.
In July, creator of Metal Gear Solid and all-round nice guy Hideo Kojima announced his most ambitious, conceptual game ever. Hot on the heels of the revolutionary MGS2:Substance (silly rehashes that advertise features that aren't even in the game) and his latest GBA title (that used a solar panel), this newest, as yet untitled XBOX exclusive will be so revolutionarily ambitiously spectacularly conceptual, that rather than inserting it into the disc tray you'll need to swallow all three DVDs. Whilst the XBOX is on. We have still not had confirmation of a rumour there will be a special controller.
August was the start of the football season, and it was also the start of the latest craze - pen and ink graphics. Taking cel-shading one step further, the mode sometimes hidden away as a cheat in FPSs has been developed into a fully blown graphical style, with games being nothing but dark lines and white space. Some games, such as Tenchu 4, look astonishingly stylish whereas others, like GTA4, lose some of their impact. And the new pen-and-ink Pro Evolution Soccer obviously wasn't thought through very well, as nobody can tell who's on which team.
September is a time where children went back to school and Woolworths stop their sales, and it was also when the XBOX brought in the big guns in an attempt to claw its way closer to the PS2. In addition to an XBOX and controller, you recieve free Halo, Splinter Cell, Sega GT, Jet Set Radio Future, Dead or Alive 3, Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball, Amped, Project Gotham Racing, Deathrow, Steel Battalion (with controller), and another copy of Amped all for just £14.97. In that month, the XBOX outsold the PS2 7 to 5, but as it stands now the deal has been costly for Microsoft. Bill Gates had to sell a third of his house to cover the £18billion debt racked up after the pack-in.
Sony acted swiftly, and a month later in October the PS2 saw the most user 'friendly' pack-ins for the most casual of gamers. One pack saw a PS2 and controller, BMX XXX, the official DVD remote and Backdoor Bangers, Girls Gone Wild and lastly College Students Xposed. The girls' pack contained the console and a controller, Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly, Rez and the special vibrating controller.
November is the time of Autumn, with leaves falling off trees, leaving them bare and exposed like sleazy porn stars from the PS2 Boys Pack...so it was fitting that on the 1st of November, every single XBOX's front fell away to reveal a beige PC with Microsoft logos all over it. Many gamers, up all night in a marathon Live session, passed out when the machine suddenly reared its ugly desktop head. Customer service lines were jammed, but Microsoft still deny any faults with the XBOX, despite everyone knowing that they're big fat liars.
And now December, this very month. December 2003 was a quiet month, and it's a good job too. After all the hectic happenings of the past year, everyone just bought loads of Christmas presents for each other and got on with playing them. No silly lawsuits, or peripherals, or delays...just good old fashioned gaming. And really, ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about. The games. Have a great new year.
Thanks for listening.