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I saw this in the Times magazine today, so I thought I would type it up for your delectation. Tis very funny:
Step 1: OPENING BAG
1. Take hold of the top of the bag at either side between forefinger and thumb, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion
3. Should you lose grip on the bag, take care not to smack yourself in the face with a flailing hand
Step 2: REMOVING PRETZEL
1. Gently insert one hand into bag.
2. Close finger and thumb over a single pretzel. If you fail to secure a pretzel, open finger and thumb, then close again in a different position -*although still within the bag*- until a pretzel is secured.
3. Withdraw hand from bag, taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye or smack head on door jamb.
Step 3: TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
1. Raise pretzel towards face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to moscow and Nuclear Button.
2. Open mouth - this step is *vital*.
3. Place pretzel just inside mouth. Do not attempt to force pretzel in. A small mirror may prove helpful.
4. Release pretzel and withdraw fingers from mouth. Failure to do so can lead to injuries.
Step 4: EATING THE PRETZEL
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. At least 20 iterations are recommended. The Pretzel manufacturer cannot be held responsible for injury, wounding, death, international incidents or warfare from failure to follow this directive.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to the rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.
You may now repeat from step 1 until bag is empty.
-------------
I bet the dozy idiot would still choke himself. Still goes to prove that even men who haven't yet learnt to swallow properly can become President if their Daddy has enough power, influence and money.
Step 1: OPENING BAG
1. Take hold of the top of the bag at either side between forefinger and thumb, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion
3. Should you lose grip on the bag, take care not to smack yourself in the face with a flailing hand
Step 2: REMOVING PRETZEL
1. Gently insert one hand into bag.
2. Close finger and thumb over a single pretzel. If you fail to secure a pretzel, open finger and thumb, then close again in a different position -*although still within the bag*- until a pretzel is secured.
3. Withdraw hand from bag, taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye or smack head on door jamb.
Step 3: TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
1. Raise pretzel towards face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to moscow and Nuclear Button.
2. Open mouth - this step is *vital*.
3. Place pretzel just inside mouth. Do not attempt to force pretzel in. A small mirror may prove helpful.
4. Release pretzel and withdraw fingers from mouth. Failure to do so can lead to injuries.
Step 4: EATING THE PRETZEL
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. At least 20 iterations are recommended. The Pretzel manufacturer cannot be held responsible for injury, wounding, death, international incidents or warfare from failure to follow this directive.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to the rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.
You may now repeat from step 1 until bag is empty.
-------------
I bet the dozy idiot would still choke himself. Still goes to prove that even men who haven't yet learnt to swallow properly can become President if their Daddy has enough power, influence and money.
I saw this in the Times magazine today, so I thought I would type it up for your delectation. Tis very funny:
Step 1: OPENING BAG
1. Take hold of the top of the bag at either side between forefinger and thumb, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion
3. Should you lose grip on the bag, take care not to smack yourself in the face with a flailing hand
Step 2: REMOVING PRETZEL
1. Gently insert one hand into bag.
2. Close finger and thumb over a single pretzel. If you fail to secure a pretzel, open finger and thumb, then close again in a different position -*although still within the bag*- until a pretzel is secured.
3. Withdraw hand from bag, taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye or smack head on door jamb.
Step 3: TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
1. Raise pretzel towards face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to moscow and Nuclear Button.
2. Open mouth - this step is *vital*.
3. Place pretzel just inside mouth. Do not attempt to force pretzel in. A small mirror may prove helpful.
4. Release pretzel and withdraw fingers from mouth. Failure to do so can lead to injuries.
Step 4: EATING THE PRETZEL
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. At least 20 iterations are recommended. The Pretzel manufacturer cannot be held responsible for injury, wounding, death, international incidents or warfare from failure to follow this directive.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to the rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.
You may now repeat from step 1 until bag is empty.
-------------
I bet the dozy idiot would still choke himself. Still goes to prove that even men who haven't yet learnt to swallow properly can become President if their Daddy has enough power, influence and money.
Step 1: OPENING BAG
1. Take hold of the top of the bag at either side between forefinger and thumb, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion
3. Should you lose grip on the bag, take care not to smack yourself in the face with a flailing hand
Step 2: REMOVING PRETZEL
1. Gently insert one hand into bag.
2. Close finger and thumb over a single pretzel. If you fail to secure a pretzel, open finger and thumb, then close again in a different position -*although still within the bag*- until a pretzel is secured.
3. Withdraw hand from bag, taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye or smack head on door jamb.
Step 3: TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
1. Raise pretzel towards face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to moscow and Nuclear Button.
2. Open mouth - this step is *vital*.
3. Place pretzel just inside mouth. Do not attempt to force pretzel in. A small mirror may prove helpful.
4. Release pretzel and withdraw fingers from mouth. Failure to do so can lead to injuries.
Step 4: EATING THE PRETZEL
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. At least 20 iterations are recommended. The Pretzel manufacturer cannot be held responsible for injury, wounding, death, international incidents or warfare from failure to follow this directive.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to the rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.
You may now repeat from step 1 until bag is empty.
-------------
I bet the dozy idiot would still choke himself. Still goes to prove that even men who haven't yet learnt to swallow properly can become President if their Daddy has enough power, influence and money.