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First off I do apologise to whoever's character I've stolen. It's only the name, really, and Irwin's so easy to rip it our of.
So, sorry.
Secondly, this is the first thing I've done which is mainly speech - it's not really my style. So, don't be too harsh.
And, enjoy.
Please.
******
“G’day mates, and welcome to Stryke Irwin’s Dangerous Animals. Today I’ll be talking about the fiercest creatures in the animal kingdom and how to handle ‘em. That’s right - Sheilas. I’ve got me best mate Wes with me and doing the filmin’ is Grande Phallus who’s got great experience of Sheilas with his own underground film studios producing high-quality pictures and films available over the internet. Bonza!”
*A busy high-street on a Saturday afternoon*
“Aha! This is the perfect example of an easy mistake to make. What your name, mate?”
“Tiltawhirl ....er.... mate?”
“Bingo! Now you can’t tell from its name, or its appearance whether its a Bruce or a Sheila. Are the boobs real or just fat man boobs? Hairy bloke or hairy gal? We just don’t know.”
*Steps back to confer with Wes*
“3-2-1. Go!”
*Stryke jumps atop of Tilawhirl’s head, Wes takes his legs*
“Now we’ve got him steady. To cause the least amount of stress – very important - I’m gonna poke his eyes out with this rusty pole. Now, to see if its a Bruce or a Sheila Wes’s gonna stick two fingers up his crap-hole and have a feel around. The male and females will react in different ways.”
“Get off me you gay!”
“There we go - it’s a Bruce after all. Bummer, mate. LEG IT!”
**
*Back on the street, 2 days later*
**
“Here we are again, mates. I’ve just been released on bail for indecent assault - but at least you’ve all learnt something.”
*Wes points down the street*
“Woah! Get a load of that beauty. Now doubting it - this is a true Sheila. I’m gonna move in, but be careful, she’s a man-eater.”
*He runs right at her, grabs one of her legs and holds it in he air whilst she’s flat on the floor*
“This is for my own safety. She’s likely to strike out if I approach her normally - after all, I’m some mental Aussie who sleeps with crocs!
From this position I’ll be able to chat her up without risk of her lashing out.”
*He smoothes back his hair, sprays on some Lynx, brushes his teeth and looks casual*
“Oh, hi there babe. Didn’t see ya down there. What’s your name?”
“What do you want, you weirdo pervert. I get enough of this already.”
“Oooohh, she’s a feisty one. I need to move quickly or she’ll death roll out of here, and probably take my arm with ‘er. What’s you name love, I ain’t gonna hurt you.”
“Mystique, you idiot. Lemme go! Now!”
“Okay, okay mate. I ain’t gonna hurt ya. Shhhh. Shhhhh.”
*She shuts up, looking really, really psssed off*
“NOW WES!”
*He jumps ontop of her, breaking both her arms and ties a rope around her head and legs. Wes wraps her in a tarp and puts a bag over her head. Stryke stabs her with a stick and rolls her into a pool of water then boots her in the stomach*
“There, there, mate. We ain’t gonna hurt ya, see? Easy as that. Shhhh. Shhhh.”
*Pulls up his collar*
“I’ve still got it. Oh, yeah. Smooth, mate, reeeaalll smooth.”
*To Camera*
“Now what I’ve gotta do is ask her out on a date. If you offer to pay and don’t mention any hanky-panky they’ll do anything. If not, put the boot in - works a treat.”
*Kneels down next to Myst who’s gagged*
“Hi ya babe. I’m back - just wonderin’ if you’d go out wi’ me some time? Nothin’ too serious. Just enough to get ya bladdered. What d’ya say?”
“Mwuhhhkkk-ooffff mweee duuuuukkkk-huuuudddd.”
“Bonza, mates. She say’s yes. Now all I’ve gotta do is drag her unconscious body to some restaurant, give ‘er some pills and she won’ know what’s what. Just how I like ‘em.”
*Pauses, looking her up and down*
“Wes, mate, got any make-up? She’s need some fixin’ up. And lend ‘er one of your dresses, would ya? Cheers, mate”
*Pauses again. Myst tries to move and he skilfully knocks her unconscious with a baseball bat*
**
*Walking back to the truck, Stryke spots something interesting*
**
“Hold it! Hold it! Now look at this, mates. Reeeall pests, these ones. Called the Smarmyus Scrotumnius or, as the natives say, “Dirty Little Newbies.” It’s reeeal easy to spot one, and if ya do just try and ignore it - they thrive off attention. it’s only for the experts.”
*He walks casually up to the n00b, whistling, then jumps on his head and slams it repeatedly against a wall*
“Now, the key features of the DLNs (for short) are this over-inflated head giving a sense of arrogance and over-importance. Because of this, they think ‘emselves higher than everyone else and are prone to lash out with poorly constructed sentences full of wrongly-spelt abuse with half the letters missing. This is their defence in order for their attackers to waste time tryin’ to work out what they’re actually trying to say and get very confused indeed.
First off you’ll need to remove any cheese they may have on their person and spank any monkey to the best of your abilities. If you can’t manage, call for back-up, there’s always some highly trained monkey-spankers around - they’ll do the job. Next, ya need to respond in a civilised kind of a manner, use long words like ..... erm ....... errr......... reptilian and .....er....... amphibious and ...... well, violating parole conditions. Erm, yeah, stuff like that. They’ll be down for the count.”
*Looks around, leans into the camera*
“Or, what I do. This is a secret now, so don’t tell no-one. Bash ‘em wiv my stick. Like this...”
*Pulls out a railway sleeper with nails poking out of it and barbed wire wrapped around the end. For about ten minutes he beats the DLN viciously, mercilessly*
*Looks to camera, a tear in his eye*
“It’s a shame when these thing happen, mates. But that guy was just too weak to make it through the night. At least he felt no pain. *sob* Hold me, Wes.”
**
*A cheap family restaurant. Stryke and Mystique are sitting at a table - Myst’s hands are cuffed to it, Stryke’s a little tipsy*
**
“G’day *hic* mates. I’ve got this Sheila ‘ere - that one I captured .. er .. I mean persuaded, like, to join me for this meal. What I’m gonna show ya, now, is the right way to coax these animal into the sack, just like I would a rare tiger snake.”
*He flicks some lumpy, grey mashed potato into her eye. She winks to try and remove it.”
“Great! Now what I’ve got ‘ere is a standard tactic of alluring a mate. She’s giving me all the right signals to make my move. So I’m gonna go in slow with my foot, slowly rubbin’ it up ‘er leg to stimulate the scent glands on her belly. Oh no, wait, that’s snakes. But I’ll give it a go anyhow.”
*Myst’s expression changes into the cold, hard stare of death*
“Woah! Danger, danger, danger. These are sure signs she wants me to back off. Just a little, mind, and it’ll be alright.”
*Confers with Wes, who’s in a highchair eating mashed bananas*
“Now, this is a standard tactic I like to use - it’s worked wonders in the past and I hope it will again. Wes’s gonna sneak round the back and pinch ‘er bum. Then whilst she’s distracted I’ll slip the top-jaw rope on and roll her in a tarp. Then I’ll take her back to the hut for some ‘coffee’ as it is romantically called. No need to spend any money on alcohol, either - she’s got no choice! Bonza, mates!”
*Back at Stryke’s wooden hut*
“Now we’ve successfully re-located this Sheila into a natural environment - a bed. She’ll fell right at home. I’ve successfully won me over a great little beaut, and you can do the same. ‘Til next time, see ya mates!”
*Wes points*
“Oh my god! She’s loose! Must’ve chewed right through the top-jaw rope, sneaky Sheila. Woah! She’s feisty. Look at the claws, and her teeth, and those stilettos are dangerous weapons. I thought she’d thank me, ungrateful wench. She’s a little disorientated, what with all the movin’ her around, so I can easily secure the tarp around her once again.”
*Wes points*
“Oh no, mates! She got me! Right through the brain as well, good job I never use it. Hold me, Wes, hold me tight. Sneaky little blighter.”
**
*A hospital, several weeks later*
**
“G’day there again mates. I’m making a good recovery in hospital ‘ere after getting the livin’ crap kicked out of me. I’m tellin’ ya, she was a feisty one, all aggressive over nothin’ unpredictable as anything.”
*Nods to his left*
“But, not to worry, I’ve already got another on the go. Easy as wrestling a hippo with your legs chopped off.”
*A nurse is completely bandaged up in plaster next to him, with a tarp around her*
“See, mates? Anyone can do it! now I’ve really got to go before the feds find my secret Sheila stash. ‘Til someone else steals my character, from me, Stryke Irwin - a mix of Rolf Harris, The Exorcist and Timmy Mallet - so long!”
****
That’s the lot, thankyouverymuch,
FFF
So, sorry.
Secondly, this is the first thing I've done which is mainly speech - it's not really my style. So, don't be too harsh.
And, enjoy.
Please.
******
“G’day mates, and welcome to Stryke Irwin’s Dangerous Animals. Today I’ll be talking about the fiercest creatures in the animal kingdom and how to handle ‘em. That’s right - Sheilas. I’ve got me best mate Wes with me and doing the filmin’ is Grande Phallus who’s got great experience of Sheilas with his own underground film studios producing high-quality pictures and films available over the internet. Bonza!”
*A busy high-street on a Saturday afternoon*
“Aha! This is the perfect example of an easy mistake to make. What your name, mate?”
“Tiltawhirl ....er.... mate?”
“Bingo! Now you can’t tell from its name, or its appearance whether its a Bruce or a Sheila. Are the boobs real or just fat man boobs? Hairy bloke or hairy gal? We just don’t know.”
*Steps back to confer with Wes*
“3-2-1. Go!”
*Stryke jumps atop of Tilawhirl’s head, Wes takes his legs*
“Now we’ve got him steady. To cause the least amount of stress – very important - I’m gonna poke his eyes out with this rusty pole. Now, to see if its a Bruce or a Sheila Wes’s gonna stick two fingers up his crap-hole and have a feel around. The male and females will react in different ways.”
“Get off me you gay!”
“There we go - it’s a Bruce after all. Bummer, mate. LEG IT!”
**
*Back on the street, 2 days later*
**
“Here we are again, mates. I’ve just been released on bail for indecent assault - but at least you’ve all learnt something.”
*Wes points down the street*
“Woah! Get a load of that beauty. Now doubting it - this is a true Sheila. I’m gonna move in, but be careful, she’s a man-eater.”
*He runs right at her, grabs one of her legs and holds it in he air whilst she’s flat on the floor*
“This is for my own safety. She’s likely to strike out if I approach her normally - after all, I’m some mental Aussie who sleeps with crocs!
From this position I’ll be able to chat her up without risk of her lashing out.”
*He smoothes back his hair, sprays on some Lynx, brushes his teeth and looks casual*
“Oh, hi there babe. Didn’t see ya down there. What’s your name?”
“What do you want, you weirdo pervert. I get enough of this already.”
“Oooohh, she’s a feisty one. I need to move quickly or she’ll death roll out of here, and probably take my arm with ‘er. What’s you name love, I ain’t gonna hurt you.”
“Mystique, you idiot. Lemme go! Now!”
“Okay, okay mate. I ain’t gonna hurt ya. Shhhh. Shhhhh.”
*She shuts up, looking really, really psssed off*
“NOW WES!”
*He jumps ontop of her, breaking both her arms and ties a rope around her head and legs. Wes wraps her in a tarp and puts a bag over her head. Stryke stabs her with a stick and rolls her into a pool of water then boots her in the stomach*
“There, there, mate. We ain’t gonna hurt ya, see? Easy as that. Shhhh. Shhhh.”
*Pulls up his collar*
“I’ve still got it. Oh, yeah. Smooth, mate, reeeaalll smooth.”
*To Camera*
“Now what I’ve gotta do is ask her out on a date. If you offer to pay and don’t mention any hanky-panky they’ll do anything. If not, put the boot in - works a treat.”
*Kneels down next to Myst who’s gagged*
“Hi ya babe. I’m back - just wonderin’ if you’d go out wi’ me some time? Nothin’ too serious. Just enough to get ya bladdered. What d’ya say?”
“Mwuhhhkkk-ooffff mweee duuuuukkkk-huuuudddd.”
“Bonza, mates. She say’s yes. Now all I’ve gotta do is drag her unconscious body to some restaurant, give ‘er some pills and she won’ know what’s what. Just how I like ‘em.”
*Pauses, looking her up and down*
“Wes, mate, got any make-up? She’s need some fixin’ up. And lend ‘er one of your dresses, would ya? Cheers, mate”
*Pauses again. Myst tries to move and he skilfully knocks her unconscious with a baseball bat*
**
*Walking back to the truck, Stryke spots something interesting*
**
“Hold it! Hold it! Now look at this, mates. Reeeall pests, these ones. Called the Smarmyus Scrotumnius or, as the natives say, “Dirty Little Newbies.” It’s reeeal easy to spot one, and if ya do just try and ignore it - they thrive off attention. it’s only for the experts.”
*He walks casually up to the n00b, whistling, then jumps on his head and slams it repeatedly against a wall*
“Now, the key features of the DLNs (for short) are this over-inflated head giving a sense of arrogance and over-importance. Because of this, they think ‘emselves higher than everyone else and are prone to lash out with poorly constructed sentences full of wrongly-spelt abuse with half the letters missing. This is their defence in order for their attackers to waste time tryin’ to work out what they’re actually trying to say and get very confused indeed.
First off you’ll need to remove any cheese they may have on their person and spank any monkey to the best of your abilities. If you can’t manage, call for back-up, there’s always some highly trained monkey-spankers around - they’ll do the job. Next, ya need to respond in a civilised kind of a manner, use long words like ..... erm ....... errr......... reptilian and .....er....... amphibious and ...... well, violating parole conditions. Erm, yeah, stuff like that. They’ll be down for the count.”
*Looks around, leans into the camera*
“Or, what I do. This is a secret now, so don’t tell no-one. Bash ‘em wiv my stick. Like this...”
*Pulls out a railway sleeper with nails poking out of it and barbed wire wrapped around the end. For about ten minutes he beats the DLN viciously, mercilessly*
*Looks to camera, a tear in his eye*
“It’s a shame when these thing happen, mates. But that guy was just too weak to make it through the night. At least he felt no pain. *sob* Hold me, Wes.”
**
*A cheap family restaurant. Stryke and Mystique are sitting at a table - Myst’s hands are cuffed to it, Stryke’s a little tipsy*
**
“G’day *hic* mates. I’ve got this Sheila ‘ere - that one I captured .. er .. I mean persuaded, like, to join me for this meal. What I’m gonna show ya, now, is the right way to coax these animal into the sack, just like I would a rare tiger snake.”
*He flicks some lumpy, grey mashed potato into her eye. She winks to try and remove it.”
“Great! Now what I’ve got ‘ere is a standard tactic of alluring a mate. She’s giving me all the right signals to make my move. So I’m gonna go in slow with my foot, slowly rubbin’ it up ‘er leg to stimulate the scent glands on her belly. Oh no, wait, that’s snakes. But I’ll give it a go anyhow.”
*Myst’s expression changes into the cold, hard stare of death*
“Woah! Danger, danger, danger. These are sure signs she wants me to back off. Just a little, mind, and it’ll be alright.”
*Confers with Wes, who’s in a highchair eating mashed bananas*
“Now, this is a standard tactic I like to use - it’s worked wonders in the past and I hope it will again. Wes’s gonna sneak round the back and pinch ‘er bum. Then whilst she’s distracted I’ll slip the top-jaw rope on and roll her in a tarp. Then I’ll take her back to the hut for some ‘coffee’ as it is romantically called. No need to spend any money on alcohol, either - she’s got no choice! Bonza, mates!”
*Back at Stryke’s wooden hut*
“Now we’ve successfully re-located this Sheila into a natural environment - a bed. She’ll fell right at home. I’ve successfully won me over a great little beaut, and you can do the same. ‘Til next time, see ya mates!”
*Wes points*
“Oh my god! She’s loose! Must’ve chewed right through the top-jaw rope, sneaky Sheila. Woah! She’s feisty. Look at the claws, and her teeth, and those stilettos are dangerous weapons. I thought she’d thank me, ungrateful wench. She’s a little disorientated, what with all the movin’ her around, so I can easily secure the tarp around her once again.”
*Wes points*
“Oh no, mates! She got me! Right through the brain as well, good job I never use it. Hold me, Wes, hold me tight. Sneaky little blighter.”
**
*A hospital, several weeks later*
**
“G’day there again mates. I’m making a good recovery in hospital ‘ere after getting the livin’ crap kicked out of me. I’m tellin’ ya, she was a feisty one, all aggressive over nothin’ unpredictable as anything.”
*Nods to his left*
“But, not to worry, I’ve already got another on the go. Easy as wrestling a hippo with your legs chopped off.”
*A nurse is completely bandaged up in plaster next to him, with a tarp around her*
“See, mates? Anyone can do it! now I’ve really got to go before the feds find my secret Sheila stash. ‘Til someone else steals my character, from me, Stryke Irwin - a mix of Rolf Harris, The Exorcist and Timmy Mallet - so long!”
****
That’s the lot, thankyouverymuch,
FFF
Page:
I'm not a Poof, but I like Spoofs
*no relevance there at all*
*no relevance there at all*
Drunk Cow wrote:
> I'll do one of these by the end of today but just to tell you
> guys....it's not going to be as good as FFF's and not as nearly as
> good as Asher's.
>
> Cause Asher's rules!
If only this were MSN, I'd use that emoticon with the sunglasses.
> I'll do one of these by the end of today but just to tell you
> guys....it's not going to be as good as FFF's and not as nearly as
> good as Asher's.
>
> Cause Asher's rules!
If only this were MSN, I'd use that emoticon with the sunglasses.
You made me feel inferior actually.
Maybe rightly so, but its still not very nice.
Maybe rightly so, but its still not very nice.
I hope you realize I wrote that just to make you feel special.
I'll do one of these by the end of today but just to tell you guys....it's not going to be as good as FFF's and not as nearly as good as Asher's.
Cause Asher's rules!
Cause Asher's rules!
Who's a trend-setter? >:-|
Azul2°°2 wrote:
> Great post FFF. Heh, funny Stryke Irwin.
I knew it was a great idea of mine.
*Runs*
> Great post FFF. Heh, funny Stryke Irwin.
I knew it was a great idea of mine.
*Runs*
Great post FFF. Heh, funny Stryke Irwin.
Yay.
I'm a trend-setter.
I'm a trend-setter.
By stealing my idea?
Gee, your saving my life :-|
Gee, your saving my life :-|
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