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Here is a fragment of my imagination...
Welcome to the Video Games Celebrity Death-match!
16 Big time Video Games stars go in, 1 comes out! This last-man standing tournament is being held to determine who is indeed the king (or queen) of the video gaming world. The 16 chosen contestants have been carefully selected from the masses of video games celebrities, and matched as I saw fit in the interests of fairness. The following post may contain violent and graphic descriptions, so people who may take offence to an imaginary character being harmed should not read it.
THE CONTESTANTS & WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THEM
007 Agent Under Fire, Nightfire
Agent 47 Hitman, Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Crash Bandicoot Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex
Dante Devil May Cry
Ico Ico
Jimmy Patterson Medal of Honor, MOH: Frontline
Laura Croft Tomb Raider
Mario Super Mario World(cool), Mario Sunshine(not cool)
Mark Hammond The Getaway
Monkey Timesplitters 2
Ryu Street Fighter
Solid Snake Metal Gear Solid
Sonic Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro Spyro the Dragon
Tommy Vercetti Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Yuna Final Fantasy 10
The contestants have been matched as follows:
GROUP A
Yuna
Dante
Laura Croft
Spry
GROUP B
007
Agent 47
Mark Hammond
Tommy Vercetti
GROUP C
Solid Snake
Jimmy Patterson
Sonic
Monkey
GROUP D
Mario
Crash
Ico
Ryu
--------- ----------------ROUND 1---------------- ----------------
A
YUNA v DANTE
The bell rings, and Dante doesn’t waste a second, he jumps up magnificently, does a double back flip, while firing two bullets into Yuna’s left arm. She grabs her arm and drops to the ground, Dante begins to walk towards her to end the match, but Yuna is saying an incantation! Suddenly the sun bursts into red flames, and from within it, the fire demon Ifrit flies out like a burning inferno. Dante looks as if he is going to need a new pair of trousers, until he remembers his gauntlets, his Ifrit gauntlets… Ifrit hurls a fireball at Dante, which is absorbed by Dante’s gauntlets, leaving him uninjured. Dante then performs a roll and delivers a kick to Ifrit’s groin, this causes Ifrit to fall to the floor, crying like a big (14ft tall) baby. Yuna calls Ifrit back and rapidly casts Thundaga at Dante, who deflects this back at Yuna using his Alastor sword, the 100, 000 volts fries Yuna instantly.
WINNER: DANTE
LAURA v SPYRO
The match begins, and guess what? Laura “accidentally lost” the top buttons in her tight shirt, this does not fool us and we can see that she is trying to “persuade” Spyro to forfeit. Spyro appears to be falling for it, and walks over to Laura, who is making googly eyes at him. He is drawing dangerously close to Laura. Hold on a moment! It appears we underestimated our little friend! Spyro spits out a mighty fire column towards Laura, who narrowly misses being cooked. Laura is not happy. The smell of burnt hair fills the arena and there is anger in Laura’s eyes, as she holds the charred remains of her ponytail in her hands. Spyro is celebrating, by gliding around the arena, and Laura wants revenge. She pulls out a grenade launcher from her ridiculously small backpack and fires a grenade up, which explodes near Spyro and causes him to fall from the sky, Laura walks over to Spyro, carries out her newest move, SNAP! Spyro’s neck is limp and the little dragon is motionless, but Laura does not seem to regret her actions, after all, she kills animals on a frequent basis.
WINNER: LAURA CROFT
B
007 v AGENT 47
The suits arrive at the arena, Bond arrives in a flashy Porsche with a spoiler and a body kit, 47 arrives on foot, with his head shining and he is carrying sort of wire in his hands. The bell rings. 47 pulls out dual handguns from the inside pockets of his suit and empties the clips on Bond’s car, 007 steps out, looking very angry and muttering something along the lines of having just had a new paint job. Bond throws a knife at 47, which narrowly misses his head. Agent 47 is walking towards Bond, with a crazed look in his eyes. Bond tries to negotiate by unleashing some of his legendary one liners and telling the Hitman that he can fix him up with some Bond girls. Agent 47 is not interested, and before long he has reached Bond, who unexpectedly does a roll and floors the Hitman. Bond approaches 47, who seems to be out cold, and says, “What shampoo do you use? Wash n Go?”; this cheesy one-liner seems to set the Hitman off. 47 springs up with lightning speed and wraps a fibre wire around Bond’s neck, he tightens his grip and doesn’t release untill 007 is motionless. The girls in the stands begin to cry.
WINNER: AGENT 47
MARK HAMMOND v TOMMY VERCETTI
Mark appears to have shown up early, so he awaits Tommy, whilst enjoying a good portion of fish and chips. We begin to hear a buzzing sound, gradually becoming louder and louder. From off-in-the distance, we can see a golf cart approaching. Tommy Vercetti is driving, dressed in a pastel-blue suit, with the sleeves rolled up and ready for action. “Whats this Gov?” says Mark Hammond, “I run this place now,” replies Tommy Vercetti. The bell rings, and Hammond charges at Vercetti whilst firing a shotgun, Tommy’s body armour is reduced to shreds, but miraculously, Tommy is unscathed. “I’ll cut off your cojones” shouts Tommy, and runs at Hammond with a Katana sword, Hammond manages to wrestle the weapon from Tommy’s grip, and administers a swift punch to the jaw. Tommy is bleeding, but he is determined to win. He runs over to his golf cart, and pulls out what appears to be a car exhaust pipe. Only when we see a barrage of bullets riddling through Mark Hammond, do we realise that Vercetti had brought his 80s-style mini-gun. The crowd goes wild.
WINNER: TOMMY VERCETTI
C
SOLID SNAKE v JIMMY PATTERSON
The man, the myth, the legend; Snake arrives, dressed as a Russian guard and carrying a sword of some kind. Patterson pulls up in an old jeep, wearing his trusty combats and carrying his good old rifle. The match begins. Patterson closes one eye, marks his man, and quickly fires a shot at Snake’s head, amazingly, Snake deflects it with his ninja sword! Patterson decides to be more direct, and hurls a grenade at Snake, but Snake (having had the experience of dodging explosive projectiles previously) rolls out of the way. Suddenly, Snakes disappears, there is no explanation for this except for Snake’s stealth gear. The slightly shell-shocked Patterson begins to search frantically for his enemy, but there are no traces of Snake. Patterson calls HQ for advice, they inform him that the war is over and he should go home. “Dagnab it, first it’s the war and now this Snake fel-” before Patterson can finish his sentence, the sound of a suppressed rifle being fired is heard from the direction of Patterson’s jeep. Suddenly, Jimmy drops to the ground, oozing blood from his head. Snake emerges from underneath the jeep, holding a silenced Sniper Rifle and smoking a cigarette. Classy.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
SONIC v MONKEY
The audience awaits in anticipation, as neither of the contestants have arrived. All is quiet, all is still. ZIP! A blue blur speeds by, Sonic has entered the arena. Then, we hear another sound, something that wouldn’t be out of place in a Star-Trek movie, and the Monkey teleports into the arena, with a very big watermelon in his hands. Sonic speeds over to the Monkey, and they begin to battle it out, mano a mano (or should I say monkey a hedgehog?). The Monkey is adopts a Kung-Fu style and Sonic seems to have gone for the Street Brawler style. Sonic violently smashes a chair over the Monkey’s head, the freshly bleeding Monkey fights back with a chop to the neck, which causes Sonic to drop to the floor, twitching. While Sonic recovers, the Monkey trudges over to his watermelon, with the effects of the chair-to-the head kicking in. The Monkey presses a button and the watermelon opens! This is no ordinary watermelon; there are weapons inside, and lots of them! The Monkey pulls out twin Tommy Guns, and lets Sonic have it! Sonic tries to charge at the Monkey in a last attempt to kills his opponent, but the blue blur which is advancing towards the Monkey turns red as it is hit by a hail of bullets, eventually the blur, stops altogether, and the now late Sonic drops to the ground. The Monkey’s celebration is not an unfamiliar one, he celebrates by eating several bananas in rapid succession.
WINNER: MONKEY
D
MARIO v CRASH
The crowds are roaring, a special platform arena has been set up for these veterans of the platforming world. The match is underway, Mario jumps into a pipe and emerges behind Bandicoot, punches him, and goes back into the pipe. Crash Bandicoot throws an apple at Mario, which gives Mario a nosebleed. The plumber is angry, and begins to chase Crash, who runs, seeing that Mario is much larger than he is. Mario looks around the arena, and spots one of the turtles which he is so familiar with. He runs by, punches the turtle out of its shell and takes the shell. Crash has decided to go on the offensive, and charges at Mario. Mario is prepared and Crash does indeed, crash. Bandicoot’s head meets the turtle shell with a sickening crack and a grey substance dribbles from Crash Bandicoot’s head. Mario walks out the victor, leaving the fatally injured Crash to meet his end.
WINNER: MARIO
ICO v RYU
Ryu begins the match with a trademark Street Fighter taunt. Ico however, is not as careless, he takes this valuable time to sharpen his only weapon; his stick. Ryu rolls over to Ico and executes a devastating Dragon punch, this sends Ico flying. Ico gets up, dazed and starts towards Ryu. Ryu launches a Hadou-ken, which goes over Ico’s head; Ico laughs at this and taunts Ryu in a less-than adequate way (he moons him). Ryu’s retribution to this taunt is swift and cruel; he delivers an axe kick to Ico’s head, who falls to the ground. Ico lies still for about ten seconds, then quickly gets up, and throws a handful of sand into Ryu’s eyes. Ryu, who is temporarily blinded, stumbles around, unaware that Ico is sneaking up on him with his very sharp stick. Ico skewers Ryu through the torso with his stick, the audience is disgusted by Ico’s sneaky and messy way to win the fight. Ico begins shouting abuse at the audience and has to be dragged off from the arena, this drastic change in personality can only be accredited to his recent break up with Princess Yorda (she got a settlement which included Ico’s TVR Tuscan, his house and the pet dog, Rover).
WINNER: Ico
-------------- ----------------ROUND 2------------ --------------
A
DANTE v LAURA CROFT
What a bizarre match up, a half-demon against an archaeologist (an angry archaeologist that is). The bell rings, and Dante does the usual quad back flip 540 whilst shooting a shotgun in 8 different directions, all at the same time. However, these acrobatics affect Dante’s accuracy and as a result most of the bullets end up flying towards the stands, where the audience is situated. That is probably going to lose him some popularity, and the reaction of the crowd is a mixed one, with cheers, boos and some agonised screams. Laura pulls a shotgun from her backpack (everyone is still mesmerised by how she fits a shotgun in that tiny bag) and unloads in Dante’s direction, who flips out of the way, but takes a bullet to the arm. Dante stops to brush his hair, and then puts on his Ifrit gauntlets, before hurling fireballs at Laura, what remains of her previously burned hair stands no chance; she emerges from the flames with a ripped shirt and she is bald! Again, the audience has a mixed reaction, to the fortunate ripping of her shirt and the unfortunate cremation of her hair. Laura sprints at Dante, with an explosive energy, and she lands a kick on his torso, Dante is sent flying and lands awkwardly on his back. It looks like this could be curtains for Dante, but then we see a strange blue light burning in his eyes! Looks like a Devil Trigger! He catapults up from the ground, with Alastor drawn and he is surrounded by blazing bolts of lightning. He raises his sword and flies towards Laura, at the last moment pointing the mighty Alastor sword forwards, and unleashing a mighty bolt of lighting. Laura is on the ground, completely still, how are they going to bring Laura back from this? Looks like she may well be truly dead, and not just faking it to sell products (ahem cough cough).
WINNER: DANTE
B
AGENT 47 v TOMMY VERCETTI
This looks like it is going to be an interesting match-up! Both contestants look hyped and ready for action. 47 seems to have a look of self satisfaction for some reason but Vercetti soon wipes this off his face with a golf club to the stomach. Once the Hitman has his breath back, he begins to laugh! Tommy Vercetti pulls out a Shotgun and fires, “click click,” the Hitman’s laughter is louder, as he sees the look on Tommy’s face when he realises that his bullets went “mysteriously” missing. Tommy runs to his golf cart and picks up his bloodstained chainsaw, before charging at 47. Agent 47 draws his Sniper rifle and fires once at the chainsaw, stopping the motor, and he fires once at Tommy’s shoulder, flooring the crime lord. Tommy Vercetti searches in his jacket and produces a pill, which he consumes. “Thish will make me shuper shtrong,” says Tommy. What is this? Tommy seems to be oblivious that there is a 4-inch bullet lodged in his shoulder! He stumbles over to the Hitman and delivers a punch, strangely enough; Agent 47 is launched about 2 metres into the air! This pill appears to have made him super strong! Agent 47 knows his pills though and remembers the slow reaction times caused by this drug. He proceeds to run around Tommy, who tries to keep him in his sights and ends up making himself so dizzy that he promptly falls on the floor. The Hitman walks over to Tommy with a syringe, containing a green liquid, this syringe is inserted into Tommy’s neck and the liquid is squeezed into him. The Hitman sits down in Tommy’s golf cart and waits. After about 2 minutes, Tommy begins to froth at the mouth and twitch nervously. The crime lord eventually stops twitching and lies dead in a frothy mess. The Hitman takes out a book from within his suit and adds a cross to a VERY long list of crosses.
WINNER: AGENT 47
C
SOLID SNAKE v MONKEY
The legendary Solid Snake thinks this is a joke, he shouldn’t fight a monkey, it is a mere animal! The Monkey thinks otherwise as he enters the arena laden with ammunition, carrying a Mini gun and a Homing Rocket launcher. “Ring Ring”, the match begins. Snake is not a person to waste time and he throws a chaff grenade up in the air, as it explodes it sends countless numbers of tiny aluminium shards floating through the air. This renders the Monkey’s Homing Rocket launcher useless, but Monkey knows this and discards of it. Snake is donning his infinite ammo bandanna, as he draws an AK-47 and fires round after round towards the Monkey, but the Monkey is having none of it, as he draws a Laser Gun and activates the bullet shield. Snake’s bullets drop harmlessly to the ground as they make contact with the bullet shield! Snake draws his sword and runs at the Monkey; he swings for his head, but the slippery simian ducks. Snake swings again but this time he hits, cutting off the Monkey’s left arm! Blood flies all around, as the Monkey screams in pain. The Monkey bites into Snake’s leg, in an attempt to draw blood as a retribution for Snake’s attack. Snake reaches down calmly, and grabs the Monkey’s thin neck, with a sudden jerk and a SNAP the Monkey’s neck is broken like a breadstick.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
D
MARIO v ICO
The porky Mario and the mentally unstable Ico pace around each other, each one looking as determined as the other. The match begins and Ico does not waste time, as he lunges at Mario with his extremely sharp stick, Mario side steps and gives Ico a kick to the rear end. Ico turns and throws his stick, like a spear, at Mario, but the porky plumber is surprisingly fast, as he dodges this violent attack.”Whassa matter? You stupid?” Mario taunts. Ico spits on the ground and runs towards Mario with a handful of sand. Mario, having watched Ico’s last fight, knows this dirty tactic, so he throws some ultra-corrosive Mr. Muscle unblocker at Ico, which begins to burn at his skin. Ico drops the sand, but then throws a rock, which hits Mario in the side of the head, cutting him. Mario is having no more of this and executes a jump to Ico’s head, which sends him straight to the ground (a fat plumber is a dangerous weapon). Mario reaches into the front pocket of his overalls and pulls out a plunger. He walks over to Ico and drives it onto Ico’s face; the air suction is so strong that Ico can’t remove it, and can’t breathe, before long the once-fiery Ico is lying still, with a plunger over his face. And you thought Mario was for kids!
WINNER: MARIO
-------------- ---------------SEMI-FINALS------------ ----------------
Winner of GROUP A v Winner of GROUP B
DANTE v AGENT 47
The arena is completely full of expectant spectators, who speculate as to what the outcome of the deathmatch tournament will be, Dante and Agent 47 will no doubt be pulling out all the stops and giving it their all. Agent 47 steps out looking bruised, but this hasn’t affected his dress code; an immaculately clean suit. Dante emerges from the changing rooms wearing a distinctly gothic-style black leather jacket and loaded to the teeth with guns. We examine the Hitman more closely to see if he is also carrying firearms and sure enough, there are several bumps in his suit and around his waist. This is going to be one hell of a fight! The bell rings and a few milliseconds later, the Hitman has drawn his dual Silverballers handguns, Dante draws his grenade launcher and both adversaries fire at the same time, they also dive to the side whilst firing, so both of them miss. It seems that a gunfight might not solve this problem, they’re both too experienced in gunplay. Dante drops his guns and charges at the Hitman, who is doing the same, they clash, with a mighty sound, both opponents come out bleeding from the face. The Hitman says, “It should be working now…” No-one is sure of what he means, but we’re sure it is sneaky. Dante tells him to shut it and leaps up, he attempts to do a one handed backflip whilst using his other hand to fire a handgun at the Hitman, but he seems to lose his balance and land on his neck! This is bad, Dante is hardly moving, Agent 47 pulls out a bottle with a liquid inside and waves it at Dante, then asks; “Did you enjoy your lunch?” It appears that 47 has drugged Dante, with enough tranquilliser to send an elephant to sleep. Dante’s neck must be broken, as the half-demon is lying without shouting, or moving. The Hitman walks over and in a single merciless action and fires a bullet into Dante’s skull.
WINNER: HITMAN
Winner of GROUP C v Winner of GROUP D
SOLID SNAKE v MARIO
Snake and Mario are trying to stare each other out, Snake with a smug grin on his face; he must think this is going to be a walk in the park. Mario is wearing a utility belt, with an assortment of evil-looking weapons on it; drain unblocker (extremely corrosive), his plunger of death, screwdrivers and a very large wrench. Snake appears to have only brought his silenced handgun; he is really pushing it in our opinion! The match begins, Mario throws two razor-sharp screwdrivers at Snake, one of them sinking into Snake’s leg and it is soon covered in blood. Snake grunts in pain and shoots Mario, who rolls out of the way. Snake runs over to Mario and does a punch-punch-kick combo, which floors the plumber. He then begins to choke Mario in a headlock; we all know what is coming next… Suddenly, with a surge of anger, Mario picks up his wrench with his free hand and delivers a blow to Snake’s head, we hear the sickening crack, as wrench meets skull. Snake’s grip on Mario loosens and Mario escapes, but only just. Snake places a bandage over his wound and shoots Mario in the back of the head. Mario falls, but gets back up again, removing his red hat and showing the bulletproof interior to Snake. Snake is beginning to wish he hadn’t underestimated his enemy. Mario appears to be looking down, the audience’s gaze follows Mario’s and we can see a mushroom on the floor. Mario picks it up and eats it! This mushroom seems to be making Mario grow! The sound of stretching skin and bones growing is heard and before long, Mario is 10ft tall. The giant plumber bellows a war cry and stampedes towards Snake. Snake says; “I’ve seen bigger monsters,” and shoots Mario in the leg, causing the plumber to fall over, and land on Snake. Snake doesn’t stand a chance, the 60 stone Mario crushes him and we hear every bone in Snake’s body breaking. After a while, Mario begins to shrink back to normal size again and stands up, looking at the broken body beneath him and cheering.
WINNER: MARIO
--------------WHAT YOU’VE BEEN UNDOUBTEDLY WAITING FOR: THE FINAL-----
The legendary Mario vs The merciless Agent 47
By now, the whole crowd is screaming in anticipation, even the old folks! Soon, there will be a winner, one contestant who has risen above the rest and killed mercilessly. There will be no second place, no consolation prize, as the winner of this tournament is simply the last one alive. Two remain, but only one will win…
The last deathmatch begins, the bell sounds, the audience awaits. There is a clap of thunder, and the heavens pour water down, Mario is clad in his usual red hat, red shirt, overalls and his utility belt (which seems to be equipped with even more menacing-looking weapons). Over his clothes, he is wearing body armour. Agent 47’s head is shining defiantly, and his suit is bulging with weapons. The finalists shake hands reluctantly before the match. The tension is extreme. Mario lunges at the Hitman and stabs a screwdriver into his leg. The Hitman draws a fire axe from within his suit and swings wildly at Mario, severing off his hand. A sulphurous explosion beats down as lightning explodes. Mario is bleeding, but in an act of pure adrenaline, he takes the blowtorch from his utility belt and cauterises the wound! Even the Hitman is surprised at this. Mario takes a wrench from his belt and delivers a crushing blow to the Hitman’s head, 47’s head begins to bleed. Agent 47 pulls out the fibre wire and goes for Mario, but the clever plumber dodges this and skilfully drives a screwdriver through the Hitman’s hand. The fibre wire falls to the floor, drenched in blood. The Hitman chops Mario in the throat with his other hand and this sends the plumber stumbling back. 47 charges at Mario and begins to punch him repeatedly, Mario’s bones are audibly breaking, as the relentless assault from the Hitman wears on. As the Hitman steps away, Mario has been beaten to a pulp, yet he still manages to stand up. Mario takes a small black box from his belt and opens it, revealing an orange flower. The Hitman looks disgusted at what he thinks is a peace offering from Mario. Most of us know that this is no peace offering, Mario consumes the flower and we hear the sound of transformation again. Mario’s clothes seem to have changed to an orange colour! He has consumed one of those flowers, from back in his first years in the video gaming world! Mario begins to throw red-hot apple-sized balls of fire at the Hitman. These fireballs set the Hitman alight; he is soon ablaze and screaming as he is burned to smithereens. Mario laughs cruelly as he draws his plunger from his belt, he approaches the Hitman (who is now on the floor) and delivers the plunger to the face. The combined cremation and suffocation proves too much for the trained assassin, who is soon reduced to a pile of ashes.
THE WINNER OF THE VIDEO GAMES CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH IS:
MARIO
Mario rose to the challenge, he pushed himself, and he emerged victorious. As the hero goes to collect his prize (a £5 boots voucher) the crowd screams his name, he bled, he killed, and he conquered.
Hope you enjoyed reading it.
Lombardo
Welcome to the Video Games Celebrity Death-match!
16 Big time Video Games stars go in, 1 comes out! This last-man standing tournament is being held to determine who is indeed the king (or queen) of the video gaming world. The 16 chosen contestants have been carefully selected from the masses of video games celebrities, and matched as I saw fit in the interests of fairness. The following post may contain violent and graphic descriptions, so people who may take offence to an imaginary character being harmed should not read it.
THE CONTESTANTS & WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THEM
007 Agent Under Fire, Nightfire
Agent 47 Hitman, Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Crash Bandicoot Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex
Dante Devil May Cry
Ico Ico
Jimmy Patterson Medal of Honor, MOH: Frontline
Laura Croft Tomb Raider
Mario Super Mario World(cool), Mario Sunshine(not cool)
Mark Hammond The Getaway
Monkey Timesplitters 2
Ryu Street Fighter
Solid Snake Metal Gear Solid
Sonic Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro Spyro the Dragon
Tommy Vercetti Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Yuna Final Fantasy 10
The contestants have been matched as follows:
GROUP A
Yuna
Dante
Laura Croft
Spry
GROUP B
007
Agent 47
Mark Hammond
Tommy Vercetti
GROUP C
Solid Snake
Jimmy Patterson
Sonic
Monkey
GROUP D
Mario
Crash
Ico
Ryu
--------- ----------------ROUND 1---------------- ----------------
A
YUNA v DANTE
The bell rings, and Dante doesn’t waste a second, he jumps up magnificently, does a double back flip, while firing two bullets into Yuna’s left arm. She grabs her arm and drops to the ground, Dante begins to walk towards her to end the match, but Yuna is saying an incantation! Suddenly the sun bursts into red flames, and from within it, the fire demon Ifrit flies out like a burning inferno. Dante looks as if he is going to need a new pair of trousers, until he remembers his gauntlets, his Ifrit gauntlets… Ifrit hurls a fireball at Dante, which is absorbed by Dante’s gauntlets, leaving him uninjured. Dante then performs a roll and delivers a kick to Ifrit’s groin, this causes Ifrit to fall to the floor, crying like a big (14ft tall) baby. Yuna calls Ifrit back and rapidly casts Thundaga at Dante, who deflects this back at Yuna using his Alastor sword, the 100, 000 volts fries Yuna instantly.
WINNER: DANTE
LAURA v SPYRO
The match begins, and guess what? Laura “accidentally lost” the top buttons in her tight shirt, this does not fool us and we can see that she is trying to “persuade” Spyro to forfeit. Spyro appears to be falling for it, and walks over to Laura, who is making googly eyes at him. He is drawing dangerously close to Laura. Hold on a moment! It appears we underestimated our little friend! Spyro spits out a mighty fire column towards Laura, who narrowly misses being cooked. Laura is not happy. The smell of burnt hair fills the arena and there is anger in Laura’s eyes, as she holds the charred remains of her ponytail in her hands. Spyro is celebrating, by gliding around the arena, and Laura wants revenge. She pulls out a grenade launcher from her ridiculously small backpack and fires a grenade up, which explodes near Spyro and causes him to fall from the sky, Laura walks over to Spyro, carries out her newest move, SNAP! Spyro’s neck is limp and the little dragon is motionless, but Laura does not seem to regret her actions, after all, she kills animals on a frequent basis.
WINNER: LAURA CROFT
B
007 v AGENT 47
The suits arrive at the arena, Bond arrives in a flashy Porsche with a spoiler and a body kit, 47 arrives on foot, with his head shining and he is carrying sort of wire in his hands. The bell rings. 47 pulls out dual handguns from the inside pockets of his suit and empties the clips on Bond’s car, 007 steps out, looking very angry and muttering something along the lines of having just had a new paint job. Bond throws a knife at 47, which narrowly misses his head. Agent 47 is walking towards Bond, with a crazed look in his eyes. Bond tries to negotiate by unleashing some of his legendary one liners and telling the Hitman that he can fix him up with some Bond girls. Agent 47 is not interested, and before long he has reached Bond, who unexpectedly does a roll and floors the Hitman. Bond approaches 47, who seems to be out cold, and says, “What shampoo do you use? Wash n Go?”; this cheesy one-liner seems to set the Hitman off. 47 springs up with lightning speed and wraps a fibre wire around Bond’s neck, he tightens his grip and doesn’t release untill 007 is motionless. The girls in the stands begin to cry.
WINNER: AGENT 47
MARK HAMMOND v TOMMY VERCETTI
Mark appears to have shown up early, so he awaits Tommy, whilst enjoying a good portion of fish and chips. We begin to hear a buzzing sound, gradually becoming louder and louder. From off-in-the distance, we can see a golf cart approaching. Tommy Vercetti is driving, dressed in a pastel-blue suit, with the sleeves rolled up and ready for action. “Whats this Gov?” says Mark Hammond, “I run this place now,” replies Tommy Vercetti. The bell rings, and Hammond charges at Vercetti whilst firing a shotgun, Tommy’s body armour is reduced to shreds, but miraculously, Tommy is unscathed. “I’ll cut off your cojones” shouts Tommy, and runs at Hammond with a Katana sword, Hammond manages to wrestle the weapon from Tommy’s grip, and administers a swift punch to the jaw. Tommy is bleeding, but he is determined to win. He runs over to his golf cart, and pulls out what appears to be a car exhaust pipe. Only when we see a barrage of bullets riddling through Mark Hammond, do we realise that Vercetti had brought his 80s-style mini-gun. The crowd goes wild.
WINNER: TOMMY VERCETTI
C
SOLID SNAKE v JIMMY PATTERSON
The man, the myth, the legend; Snake arrives, dressed as a Russian guard and carrying a sword of some kind. Patterson pulls up in an old jeep, wearing his trusty combats and carrying his good old rifle. The match begins. Patterson closes one eye, marks his man, and quickly fires a shot at Snake’s head, amazingly, Snake deflects it with his ninja sword! Patterson decides to be more direct, and hurls a grenade at Snake, but Snake (having had the experience of dodging explosive projectiles previously) rolls out of the way. Suddenly, Snakes disappears, there is no explanation for this except for Snake’s stealth gear. The slightly shell-shocked Patterson begins to search frantically for his enemy, but there are no traces of Snake. Patterson calls HQ for advice, they inform him that the war is over and he should go home. “Dagnab it, first it’s the war and now this Snake fel-” before Patterson can finish his sentence, the sound of a suppressed rifle being fired is heard from the direction of Patterson’s jeep. Suddenly, Jimmy drops to the ground, oozing blood from his head. Snake emerges from underneath the jeep, holding a silenced Sniper Rifle and smoking a cigarette. Classy.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
SONIC v MONKEY
The audience awaits in anticipation, as neither of the contestants have arrived. All is quiet, all is still. ZIP! A blue blur speeds by, Sonic has entered the arena. Then, we hear another sound, something that wouldn’t be out of place in a Star-Trek movie, and the Monkey teleports into the arena, with a very big watermelon in his hands. Sonic speeds over to the Monkey, and they begin to battle it out, mano a mano (or should I say monkey a hedgehog?). The Monkey is adopts a Kung-Fu style and Sonic seems to have gone for the Street Brawler style. Sonic violently smashes a chair over the Monkey’s head, the freshly bleeding Monkey fights back with a chop to the neck, which causes Sonic to drop to the floor, twitching. While Sonic recovers, the Monkey trudges over to his watermelon, with the effects of the chair-to-the head kicking in. The Monkey presses a button and the watermelon opens! This is no ordinary watermelon; there are weapons inside, and lots of them! The Monkey pulls out twin Tommy Guns, and lets Sonic have it! Sonic tries to charge at the Monkey in a last attempt to kills his opponent, but the blue blur which is advancing towards the Monkey turns red as it is hit by a hail of bullets, eventually the blur, stops altogether, and the now late Sonic drops to the ground. The Monkey’s celebration is not an unfamiliar one, he celebrates by eating several bananas in rapid succession.
WINNER: MONKEY
D
MARIO v CRASH
The crowds are roaring, a special platform arena has been set up for these veterans of the platforming world. The match is underway, Mario jumps into a pipe and emerges behind Bandicoot, punches him, and goes back into the pipe. Crash Bandicoot throws an apple at Mario, which gives Mario a nosebleed. The plumber is angry, and begins to chase Crash, who runs, seeing that Mario is much larger than he is. Mario looks around the arena, and spots one of the turtles which he is so familiar with. He runs by, punches the turtle out of its shell and takes the shell. Crash has decided to go on the offensive, and charges at Mario. Mario is prepared and Crash does indeed, crash. Bandicoot’s head meets the turtle shell with a sickening crack and a grey substance dribbles from Crash Bandicoot’s head. Mario walks out the victor, leaving the fatally injured Crash to meet his end.
WINNER: MARIO
ICO v RYU
Ryu begins the match with a trademark Street Fighter taunt. Ico however, is not as careless, he takes this valuable time to sharpen his only weapon; his stick. Ryu rolls over to Ico and executes a devastating Dragon punch, this sends Ico flying. Ico gets up, dazed and starts towards Ryu. Ryu launches a Hadou-ken, which goes over Ico’s head; Ico laughs at this and taunts Ryu in a less-than adequate way (he moons him). Ryu’s retribution to this taunt is swift and cruel; he delivers an axe kick to Ico’s head, who falls to the ground. Ico lies still for about ten seconds, then quickly gets up, and throws a handful of sand into Ryu’s eyes. Ryu, who is temporarily blinded, stumbles around, unaware that Ico is sneaking up on him with his very sharp stick. Ico skewers Ryu through the torso with his stick, the audience is disgusted by Ico’s sneaky and messy way to win the fight. Ico begins shouting abuse at the audience and has to be dragged off from the arena, this drastic change in personality can only be accredited to his recent break up with Princess Yorda (she got a settlement which included Ico’s TVR Tuscan, his house and the pet dog, Rover).
WINNER: Ico
-------------- ----------------ROUND 2------------ --------------
A
DANTE v LAURA CROFT
What a bizarre match up, a half-demon against an archaeologist (an angry archaeologist that is). The bell rings, and Dante does the usual quad back flip 540 whilst shooting a shotgun in 8 different directions, all at the same time. However, these acrobatics affect Dante’s accuracy and as a result most of the bullets end up flying towards the stands, where the audience is situated. That is probably going to lose him some popularity, and the reaction of the crowd is a mixed one, with cheers, boos and some agonised screams. Laura pulls a shotgun from her backpack (everyone is still mesmerised by how she fits a shotgun in that tiny bag) and unloads in Dante’s direction, who flips out of the way, but takes a bullet to the arm. Dante stops to brush his hair, and then puts on his Ifrit gauntlets, before hurling fireballs at Laura, what remains of her previously burned hair stands no chance; she emerges from the flames with a ripped shirt and she is bald! Again, the audience has a mixed reaction, to the fortunate ripping of her shirt and the unfortunate cremation of her hair. Laura sprints at Dante, with an explosive energy, and she lands a kick on his torso, Dante is sent flying and lands awkwardly on his back. It looks like this could be curtains for Dante, but then we see a strange blue light burning in his eyes! Looks like a Devil Trigger! He catapults up from the ground, with Alastor drawn and he is surrounded by blazing bolts of lightning. He raises his sword and flies towards Laura, at the last moment pointing the mighty Alastor sword forwards, and unleashing a mighty bolt of lighting. Laura is on the ground, completely still, how are they going to bring Laura back from this? Looks like she may well be truly dead, and not just faking it to sell products (ahem cough cough).
WINNER: DANTE
B
AGENT 47 v TOMMY VERCETTI
This looks like it is going to be an interesting match-up! Both contestants look hyped and ready for action. 47 seems to have a look of self satisfaction for some reason but Vercetti soon wipes this off his face with a golf club to the stomach. Once the Hitman has his breath back, he begins to laugh! Tommy Vercetti pulls out a Shotgun and fires, “click click,” the Hitman’s laughter is louder, as he sees the look on Tommy’s face when he realises that his bullets went “mysteriously” missing. Tommy runs to his golf cart and picks up his bloodstained chainsaw, before charging at 47. Agent 47 draws his Sniper rifle and fires once at the chainsaw, stopping the motor, and he fires once at Tommy’s shoulder, flooring the crime lord. Tommy Vercetti searches in his jacket and produces a pill, which he consumes. “Thish will make me shuper shtrong,” says Tommy. What is this? Tommy seems to be oblivious that there is a 4-inch bullet lodged in his shoulder! He stumbles over to the Hitman and delivers a punch, strangely enough; Agent 47 is launched about 2 metres into the air! This pill appears to have made him super strong! Agent 47 knows his pills though and remembers the slow reaction times caused by this drug. He proceeds to run around Tommy, who tries to keep him in his sights and ends up making himself so dizzy that he promptly falls on the floor. The Hitman walks over to Tommy with a syringe, containing a green liquid, this syringe is inserted into Tommy’s neck and the liquid is squeezed into him. The Hitman sits down in Tommy’s golf cart and waits. After about 2 minutes, Tommy begins to froth at the mouth and twitch nervously. The crime lord eventually stops twitching and lies dead in a frothy mess. The Hitman takes out a book from within his suit and adds a cross to a VERY long list of crosses.
WINNER: AGENT 47
C
SOLID SNAKE v MONKEY
The legendary Solid Snake thinks this is a joke, he shouldn’t fight a monkey, it is a mere animal! The Monkey thinks otherwise as he enters the arena laden with ammunition, carrying a Mini gun and a Homing Rocket launcher. “Ring Ring”, the match begins. Snake is not a person to waste time and he throws a chaff grenade up in the air, as it explodes it sends countless numbers of tiny aluminium shards floating through the air. This renders the Monkey’s Homing Rocket launcher useless, but Monkey knows this and discards of it. Snake is donning his infinite ammo bandanna, as he draws an AK-47 and fires round after round towards the Monkey, but the Monkey is having none of it, as he draws a Laser Gun and activates the bullet shield. Snake’s bullets drop harmlessly to the ground as they make contact with the bullet shield! Snake draws his sword and runs at the Monkey; he swings for his head, but the slippery simian ducks. Snake swings again but this time he hits, cutting off the Monkey’s left arm! Blood flies all around, as the Monkey screams in pain. The Monkey bites into Snake’s leg, in an attempt to draw blood as a retribution for Snake’s attack. Snake reaches down calmly, and grabs the Monkey’s thin neck, with a sudden jerk and a SNAP the Monkey’s neck is broken like a breadstick.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
D
MARIO v ICO
The porky Mario and the mentally unstable Ico pace around each other, each one looking as determined as the other. The match begins and Ico does not waste time, as he lunges at Mario with his extremely sharp stick, Mario side steps and gives Ico a kick to the rear end. Ico turns and throws his stick, like a spear, at Mario, but the porky plumber is surprisingly fast, as he dodges this violent attack.”Whassa matter? You stupid?” Mario taunts. Ico spits on the ground and runs towards Mario with a handful of sand. Mario, having watched Ico’s last fight, knows this dirty tactic, so he throws some ultra-corrosive Mr. Muscle unblocker at Ico, which begins to burn at his skin. Ico drops the sand, but then throws a rock, which hits Mario in the side of the head, cutting him. Mario is having no more of this and executes a jump to Ico’s head, which sends him straight to the ground (a fat plumber is a dangerous weapon). Mario reaches into the front pocket of his overalls and pulls out a plunger. He walks over to Ico and drives it onto Ico’s face; the air suction is so strong that Ico can’t remove it, and can’t breathe, before long the once-fiery Ico is lying still, with a plunger over his face. And you thought Mario was for kids!
WINNER: MARIO
-------------- ---------------SEMI-FINALS------------ ----------------
Winner of GROUP A v Winner of GROUP B
DANTE v AGENT 47
The arena is completely full of expectant spectators, who speculate as to what the outcome of the deathmatch tournament will be, Dante and Agent 47 will no doubt be pulling out all the stops and giving it their all. Agent 47 steps out looking bruised, but this hasn’t affected his dress code; an immaculately clean suit. Dante emerges from the changing rooms wearing a distinctly gothic-style black leather jacket and loaded to the teeth with guns. We examine the Hitman more closely to see if he is also carrying firearms and sure enough, there are several bumps in his suit and around his waist. This is going to be one hell of a fight! The bell rings and a few milliseconds later, the Hitman has drawn his dual Silverballers handguns, Dante draws his grenade launcher and both adversaries fire at the same time, they also dive to the side whilst firing, so both of them miss. It seems that a gunfight might not solve this problem, they’re both too experienced in gunplay. Dante drops his guns and charges at the Hitman, who is doing the same, they clash, with a mighty sound, both opponents come out bleeding from the face. The Hitman says, “It should be working now…” No-one is sure of what he means, but we’re sure it is sneaky. Dante tells him to shut it and leaps up, he attempts to do a one handed backflip whilst using his other hand to fire a handgun at the Hitman, but he seems to lose his balance and land on his neck! This is bad, Dante is hardly moving, Agent 47 pulls out a bottle with a liquid inside and waves it at Dante, then asks; “Did you enjoy your lunch?” It appears that 47 has drugged Dante, with enough tranquilliser to send an elephant to sleep. Dante’s neck must be broken, as the half-demon is lying without shouting, or moving. The Hitman walks over and in a single merciless action and fires a bullet into Dante’s skull.
WINNER: HITMAN
Winner of GROUP C v Winner of GROUP D
SOLID SNAKE v MARIO
Snake and Mario are trying to stare each other out, Snake with a smug grin on his face; he must think this is going to be a walk in the park. Mario is wearing a utility belt, with an assortment of evil-looking weapons on it; drain unblocker (extremely corrosive), his plunger of death, screwdrivers and a very large wrench. Snake appears to have only brought his silenced handgun; he is really pushing it in our opinion! The match begins, Mario throws two razor-sharp screwdrivers at Snake, one of them sinking into Snake’s leg and it is soon covered in blood. Snake grunts in pain and shoots Mario, who rolls out of the way. Snake runs over to Mario and does a punch-punch-kick combo, which floors the plumber. He then begins to choke Mario in a headlock; we all know what is coming next… Suddenly, with a surge of anger, Mario picks up his wrench with his free hand and delivers a blow to Snake’s head, we hear the sickening crack, as wrench meets skull. Snake’s grip on Mario loosens and Mario escapes, but only just. Snake places a bandage over his wound and shoots Mario in the back of the head. Mario falls, but gets back up again, removing his red hat and showing the bulletproof interior to Snake. Snake is beginning to wish he hadn’t underestimated his enemy. Mario appears to be looking down, the audience’s gaze follows Mario’s and we can see a mushroom on the floor. Mario picks it up and eats it! This mushroom seems to be making Mario grow! The sound of stretching skin and bones growing is heard and before long, Mario is 10ft tall. The giant plumber bellows a war cry and stampedes towards Snake. Snake says; “I’ve seen bigger monsters,” and shoots Mario in the leg, causing the plumber to fall over, and land on Snake. Snake doesn’t stand a chance, the 60 stone Mario crushes him and we hear every bone in Snake’s body breaking. After a while, Mario begins to shrink back to normal size again and stands up, looking at the broken body beneath him and cheering.
WINNER: MARIO
--------------WHAT YOU’VE BEEN UNDOUBTEDLY WAITING FOR: THE FINAL-----
The legendary Mario vs The merciless Agent 47
By now, the whole crowd is screaming in anticipation, even the old folks! Soon, there will be a winner, one contestant who has risen above the rest and killed mercilessly. There will be no second place, no consolation prize, as the winner of this tournament is simply the last one alive. Two remain, but only one will win…
The last deathmatch begins, the bell sounds, the audience awaits. There is a clap of thunder, and the heavens pour water down, Mario is clad in his usual red hat, red shirt, overalls and his utility belt (which seems to be equipped with even more menacing-looking weapons). Over his clothes, he is wearing body armour. Agent 47’s head is shining defiantly, and his suit is bulging with weapons. The finalists shake hands reluctantly before the match. The tension is extreme. Mario lunges at the Hitman and stabs a screwdriver into his leg. The Hitman draws a fire axe from within his suit and swings wildly at Mario, severing off his hand. A sulphurous explosion beats down as lightning explodes. Mario is bleeding, but in an act of pure adrenaline, he takes the blowtorch from his utility belt and cauterises the wound! Even the Hitman is surprised at this. Mario takes a wrench from his belt and delivers a crushing blow to the Hitman’s head, 47’s head begins to bleed. Agent 47 pulls out the fibre wire and goes for Mario, but the clever plumber dodges this and skilfully drives a screwdriver through the Hitman’s hand. The fibre wire falls to the floor, drenched in blood. The Hitman chops Mario in the throat with his other hand and this sends the plumber stumbling back. 47 charges at Mario and begins to punch him repeatedly, Mario’s bones are audibly breaking, as the relentless assault from the Hitman wears on. As the Hitman steps away, Mario has been beaten to a pulp, yet he still manages to stand up. Mario takes a small black box from his belt and opens it, revealing an orange flower. The Hitman looks disgusted at what he thinks is a peace offering from Mario. Most of us know that this is no peace offering, Mario consumes the flower and we hear the sound of transformation again. Mario’s clothes seem to have changed to an orange colour! He has consumed one of those flowers, from back in his first years in the video gaming world! Mario begins to throw red-hot apple-sized balls of fire at the Hitman. These fireballs set the Hitman alight; he is soon ablaze and screaming as he is burned to smithereens. Mario laughs cruelly as he draws his plunger from his belt, he approaches the Hitman (who is now on the floor) and delivers the plunger to the face. The combined cremation and suffocation proves too much for the trained assassin, who is soon reduced to a pile of ashes.
THE WINNER OF THE VIDEO GAMES CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH IS:
MARIO
Mario rose to the challenge, he pushed himself, and he emerged victorious. As the hero goes to collect his prize (a £5 boots voucher) the crowd screams his name, he bled, he killed, and he conquered.
Hope you enjoyed reading it.
Lombardo
Here is a fragment of my imagination...
Welcome to the Video Games Celebrity Death-match!
16 Big time Video Games stars go in, 1 comes out! This last-man standing tournament is being held to determine who is indeed the king (or queen) of the video gaming world. The 16 chosen contestants have been carefully selected from the masses of video games celebrities, and matched as I saw fit in the interests of fairness. The following post may contain violent and graphic descriptions, so people who may take offence to an imaginary character being harmed should not read it.
THE CONTESTANTS & WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THEM
007 Agent Under Fire, Nightfire
Agent 47 Hitman, Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Crash Bandicoot Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex
Dante Devil May Cry
Ico Ico
Jimmy Patterson Medal of Honor, MOH: Frontline
Laura Croft Tomb Raider
Mario Super Mario World(cool), Mario Sunshine(not cool)
Mark Hammond The Getaway
Monkey Timesplitters 2
Ryu Street Fighter
Solid Snake Metal Gear Solid
Sonic Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro Spyro the Dragon
Tommy Vercetti Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Yuna Final Fantasy 10
The contestants have been matched as follows:
GROUP A
Yuna
Dante
Laura Croft
Spry
GROUP B
007
Agent 47
Mark Hammond
Tommy Vercetti
GROUP C
Solid Snake
Jimmy Patterson
Sonic
Monkey
GROUP D
Mario
Crash
Ico
Ryu
--------- ----------------ROUND 1---------------- ----------------
A
YUNA v DANTE
The bell rings, and Dante doesn’t waste a second, he jumps up magnificently, does a double back flip, while firing two bullets into Yuna’s left arm. She grabs her arm and drops to the ground, Dante begins to walk towards her to end the match, but Yuna is saying an incantation! Suddenly the sun bursts into red flames, and from within it, the fire demon Ifrit flies out like a burning inferno. Dante looks as if he is going to need a new pair of trousers, until he remembers his gauntlets, his Ifrit gauntlets… Ifrit hurls a fireball at Dante, which is absorbed by Dante’s gauntlets, leaving him uninjured. Dante then performs a roll and delivers a kick to Ifrit’s groin, this causes Ifrit to fall to the floor, crying like a big (14ft tall) baby. Yuna calls Ifrit back and rapidly casts Thundaga at Dante, who deflects this back at Yuna using his Alastor sword, the 100, 000 volts fries Yuna instantly.
WINNER: DANTE
LAURA v SPYRO
The match begins, and guess what? Laura “accidentally lost” the top buttons in her tight shirt, this does not fool us and we can see that she is trying to “persuade” Spyro to forfeit. Spyro appears to be falling for it, and walks over to Laura, who is making googly eyes at him. He is drawing dangerously close to Laura. Hold on a moment! It appears we underestimated our little friend! Spyro spits out a mighty fire column towards Laura, who narrowly misses being cooked. Laura is not happy. The smell of burnt hair fills the arena and there is anger in Laura’s eyes, as she holds the charred remains of her ponytail in her hands. Spyro is celebrating, by gliding around the arena, and Laura wants revenge. She pulls out a grenade launcher from her ridiculously small backpack and fires a grenade up, which explodes near Spyro and causes him to fall from the sky, Laura walks over to Spyro, carries out her newest move, SNAP! Spyro’s neck is limp and the little dragon is motionless, but Laura does not seem to regret her actions, after all, she kills animals on a frequent basis.
WINNER: LAURA CROFT
B
007 v AGENT 47
The suits arrive at the arena, Bond arrives in a flashy Porsche with a spoiler and a body kit, 47 arrives on foot, with his head shining and he is carrying sort of wire in his hands. The bell rings. 47 pulls out dual handguns from the inside pockets of his suit and empties the clips on Bond’s car, 007 steps out, looking very angry and muttering something along the lines of having just had a new paint job. Bond throws a knife at 47, which narrowly misses his head. Agent 47 is walking towards Bond, with a crazed look in his eyes. Bond tries to negotiate by unleashing some of his legendary one liners and telling the Hitman that he can fix him up with some Bond girls. Agent 47 is not interested, and before long he has reached Bond, who unexpectedly does a roll and floors the Hitman. Bond approaches 47, who seems to be out cold, and says, “What shampoo do you use? Wash n Go?”; this cheesy one-liner seems to set the Hitman off. 47 springs up with lightning speed and wraps a fibre wire around Bond’s neck, he tightens his grip and doesn’t release untill 007 is motionless. The girls in the stands begin to cry.
WINNER: AGENT 47
MARK HAMMOND v TOMMY VERCETTI
Mark appears to have shown up early, so he awaits Tommy, whilst enjoying a good portion of fish and chips. We begin to hear a buzzing sound, gradually becoming louder and louder. From off-in-the distance, we can see a golf cart approaching. Tommy Vercetti is driving, dressed in a pastel-blue suit, with the sleeves rolled up and ready for action. “Whats this Gov?” says Mark Hammond, “I run this place now,” replies Tommy Vercetti. The bell rings, and Hammond charges at Vercetti whilst firing a shotgun, Tommy’s body armour is reduced to shreds, but miraculously, Tommy is unscathed. “I’ll cut off your cojones” shouts Tommy, and runs at Hammond with a Katana sword, Hammond manages to wrestle the weapon from Tommy’s grip, and administers a swift punch to the jaw. Tommy is bleeding, but he is determined to win. He runs over to his golf cart, and pulls out what appears to be a car exhaust pipe. Only when we see a barrage of bullets riddling through Mark Hammond, do we realise that Vercetti had brought his 80s-style mini-gun. The crowd goes wild.
WINNER: TOMMY VERCETTI
C
SOLID SNAKE v JIMMY PATTERSON
The man, the myth, the legend; Snake arrives, dressed as a Russian guard and carrying a sword of some kind. Patterson pulls up in an old jeep, wearing his trusty combats and carrying his good old rifle. The match begins. Patterson closes one eye, marks his man, and quickly fires a shot at Snake’s head, amazingly, Snake deflects it with his ninja sword! Patterson decides to be more direct, and hurls a grenade at Snake, but Snake (having had the experience of dodging explosive projectiles previously) rolls out of the way. Suddenly, Snakes disappears, there is no explanation for this except for Snake’s stealth gear. The slightly shell-shocked Patterson begins to search frantically for his enemy, but there are no traces of Snake. Patterson calls HQ for advice, they inform him that the war is over and he should go home. “Dagnab it, first it’s the war and now this Snake fel-” before Patterson can finish his sentence, the sound of a suppressed rifle being fired is heard from the direction of Patterson’s jeep. Suddenly, Jimmy drops to the ground, oozing blood from his head. Snake emerges from underneath the jeep, holding a silenced Sniper Rifle and smoking a cigarette. Classy.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
SONIC v MONKEY
The audience awaits in anticipation, as neither of the contestants have arrived. All is quiet, all is still. ZIP! A blue blur speeds by, Sonic has entered the arena. Then, we hear another sound, something that wouldn’t be out of place in a Star-Trek movie, and the Monkey teleports into the arena, with a very big watermelon in his hands. Sonic speeds over to the Monkey, and they begin to battle it out, mano a mano (or should I say monkey a hedgehog?). The Monkey is adopts a Kung-Fu style and Sonic seems to have gone for the Street Brawler style. Sonic violently smashes a chair over the Monkey’s head, the freshly bleeding Monkey fights back with a chop to the neck, which causes Sonic to drop to the floor, twitching. While Sonic recovers, the Monkey trudges over to his watermelon, with the effects of the chair-to-the head kicking in. The Monkey presses a button and the watermelon opens! This is no ordinary watermelon; there are weapons inside, and lots of them! The Monkey pulls out twin Tommy Guns, and lets Sonic have it! Sonic tries to charge at the Monkey in a last attempt to kills his opponent, but the blue blur which is advancing towards the Monkey turns red as it is hit by a hail of bullets, eventually the blur, stops altogether, and the now late Sonic drops to the ground. The Monkey’s celebration is not an unfamiliar one, he celebrates by eating several bananas in rapid succession.
WINNER: MONKEY
D
MARIO v CRASH
The crowds are roaring, a special platform arena has been set up for these veterans of the platforming world. The match is underway, Mario jumps into a pipe and emerges behind Bandicoot, punches him, and goes back into the pipe. Crash Bandicoot throws an apple at Mario, which gives Mario a nosebleed. The plumber is angry, and begins to chase Crash, who runs, seeing that Mario is much larger than he is. Mario looks around the arena, and spots one of the turtles which he is so familiar with. He runs by, punches the turtle out of its shell and takes the shell. Crash has decided to go on the offensive, and charges at Mario. Mario is prepared and Crash does indeed, crash. Bandicoot’s head meets the turtle shell with a sickening crack and a grey substance dribbles from Crash Bandicoot’s head. Mario walks out the victor, leaving the fatally injured Crash to meet his end.
WINNER: MARIO
ICO v RYU
Ryu begins the match with a trademark Street Fighter taunt. Ico however, is not as careless, he takes this valuable time to sharpen his only weapon; his stick. Ryu rolls over to Ico and executes a devastating Dragon punch, this sends Ico flying. Ico gets up, dazed and starts towards Ryu. Ryu launches a Hadou-ken, which goes over Ico’s head; Ico laughs at this and taunts Ryu in a less-than adequate way (he moons him). Ryu’s retribution to this taunt is swift and cruel; he delivers an axe kick to Ico’s head, who falls to the ground. Ico lies still for about ten seconds, then quickly gets up, and throws a handful of sand into Ryu’s eyes. Ryu, who is temporarily blinded, stumbles around, unaware that Ico is sneaking up on him with his very sharp stick. Ico skewers Ryu through the torso with his stick, the audience is disgusted by Ico’s sneaky and messy way to win the fight. Ico begins shouting abuse at the audience and has to be dragged off from the arena, this drastic change in personality can only be accredited to his recent break up with Princess Yorda (she got a settlement which included Ico’s TVR Tuscan, his house and the pet dog, Rover).
WINNER: Ico
-------------- ----------------ROUND 2------------ --------------
A
DANTE v LAURA CROFT
What a bizarre match up, a half-demon against an archaeologist (an angry archaeologist that is). The bell rings, and Dante does the usual quad back flip 540 whilst shooting a shotgun in 8 different directions, all at the same time. However, these acrobatics affect Dante’s accuracy and as a result most of the bullets end up flying towards the stands, where the audience is situated. That is probably going to lose him some popularity, and the reaction of the crowd is a mixed one, with cheers, boos and some agonised screams. Laura pulls a shotgun from her backpack (everyone is still mesmerised by how she fits a shotgun in that tiny bag) and unloads in Dante’s direction, who flips out of the way, but takes a bullet to the arm. Dante stops to brush his hair, and then puts on his Ifrit gauntlets, before hurling fireballs at Laura, what remains of her previously burned hair stands no chance; she emerges from the flames with a ripped shirt and she is bald! Again, the audience has a mixed reaction, to the fortunate ripping of her shirt and the unfortunate cremation of her hair. Laura sprints at Dante, with an explosive energy, and she lands a kick on his torso, Dante is sent flying and lands awkwardly on his back. It looks like this could be curtains for Dante, but then we see a strange blue light burning in his eyes! Looks like a Devil Trigger! He catapults up from the ground, with Alastor drawn and he is surrounded by blazing bolts of lightning. He raises his sword and flies towards Laura, at the last moment pointing the mighty Alastor sword forwards, and unleashing a mighty bolt of lighting. Laura is on the ground, completely still, how are they going to bring Laura back from this? Looks like she may well be truly dead, and not just faking it to sell products (ahem cough cough).
WINNER: DANTE
B
AGENT 47 v TOMMY VERCETTI
This looks like it is going to be an interesting match-up! Both contestants look hyped and ready for action. 47 seems to have a look of self satisfaction for some reason but Vercetti soon wipes this off his face with a golf club to the stomach. Once the Hitman has his breath back, he begins to laugh! Tommy Vercetti pulls out a Shotgun and fires, “click click,” the Hitman’s laughter is louder, as he sees the look on Tommy’s face when he realises that his bullets went “mysteriously” missing. Tommy runs to his golf cart and picks up his bloodstained chainsaw, before charging at 47. Agent 47 draws his Sniper rifle and fires once at the chainsaw, stopping the motor, and he fires once at Tommy’s shoulder, flooring the crime lord. Tommy Vercetti searches in his jacket and produces a pill, which he consumes. “Thish will make me shuper shtrong,” says Tommy. What is this? Tommy seems to be oblivious that there is a 4-inch bullet lodged in his shoulder! He stumbles over to the Hitman and delivers a punch, strangely enough; Agent 47 is launched about 2 metres into the air! This pill appears to have made him super strong! Agent 47 knows his pills though and remembers the slow reaction times caused by this drug. He proceeds to run around Tommy, who tries to keep him in his sights and ends up making himself so dizzy that he promptly falls on the floor. The Hitman walks over to Tommy with a syringe, containing a green liquid, this syringe is inserted into Tommy’s neck and the liquid is squeezed into him. The Hitman sits down in Tommy’s golf cart and waits. After about 2 minutes, Tommy begins to froth at the mouth and twitch nervously. The crime lord eventually stops twitching and lies dead in a frothy mess. The Hitman takes out a book from within his suit and adds a cross to a VERY long list of crosses.
WINNER: AGENT 47
C
SOLID SNAKE v MONKEY
The legendary Solid Snake thinks this is a joke, he shouldn’t fight a monkey, it is a mere animal! The Monkey thinks otherwise as he enters the arena laden with ammunition, carrying a Mini gun and a Homing Rocket launcher. “Ring Ring”, the match begins. Snake is not a person to waste time and he throws a chaff grenade up in the air, as it explodes it sends countless numbers of tiny aluminium shards floating through the air. This renders the Monkey’s Homing Rocket launcher useless, but Monkey knows this and discards of it. Snake is donning his infinite ammo bandanna, as he draws an AK-47 and fires round after round towards the Monkey, but the Monkey is having none of it, as he draws a Laser Gun and activates the bullet shield. Snake’s bullets drop harmlessly to the ground as they make contact with the bullet shield! Snake draws his sword and runs at the Monkey; he swings for his head, but the slippery simian ducks. Snake swings again but this time he hits, cutting off the Monkey’s left arm! Blood flies all around, as the Monkey screams in pain. The Monkey bites into Snake’s leg, in an attempt to draw blood as a retribution for Snake’s attack. Snake reaches down calmly, and grabs the Monkey’s thin neck, with a sudden jerk and a SNAP the Monkey’s neck is broken like a breadstick.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
D
MARIO v ICO
The porky Mario and the mentally unstable Ico pace around each other, each one looking as determined as the other. The match begins and Ico does not waste time, as he lunges at Mario with his extremely sharp stick, Mario side steps and gives Ico a kick to the rear end. Ico turns and throws his stick, like a spear, at Mario, but the porky plumber is surprisingly fast, as he dodges this violent attack.”Whassa matter? You stupid?” Mario taunts. Ico spits on the ground and runs towards Mario with a handful of sand. Mario, having watched Ico’s last fight, knows this dirty tactic, so he throws some ultra-corrosive Mr. Muscle unblocker at Ico, which begins to burn at his skin. Ico drops the sand, but then throws a rock, which hits Mario in the side of the head, cutting him. Mario is having no more of this and executes a jump to Ico’s head, which sends him straight to the ground (a fat plumber is a dangerous weapon). Mario reaches into the front pocket of his overalls and pulls out a plunger. He walks over to Ico and drives it onto Ico’s face; the air suction is so strong that Ico can’t remove it, and can’t breathe, before long the once-fiery Ico is lying still, with a plunger over his face. And you thought Mario was for kids!
WINNER: MARIO
-------------- ---------------SEMI-FINALS------------ ----------------
Winner of GROUP A v Winner of GROUP B
DANTE v AGENT 47
The arena is completely full of expectant spectators, who speculate as to what the outcome of the deathmatch tournament will be, Dante and Agent 47 will no doubt be pulling out all the stops and giving it their all. Agent 47 steps out looking bruised, but this hasn’t affected his dress code; an immaculately clean suit. Dante emerges from the changing rooms wearing a distinctly gothic-style black leather jacket and loaded to the teeth with guns. We examine the Hitman more closely to see if he is also carrying firearms and sure enough, there are several bumps in his suit and around his waist. This is going to be one hell of a fight! The bell rings and a few milliseconds later, the Hitman has drawn his dual Silverballers handguns, Dante draws his grenade launcher and both adversaries fire at the same time, they also dive to the side whilst firing, so both of them miss. It seems that a gunfight might not solve this problem, they’re both too experienced in gunplay. Dante drops his guns and charges at the Hitman, who is doing the same, they clash, with a mighty sound, both opponents come out bleeding from the face. The Hitman says, “It should be working now…” No-one is sure of what he means, but we’re sure it is sneaky. Dante tells him to shut it and leaps up, he attempts to do a one handed backflip whilst using his other hand to fire a handgun at the Hitman, but he seems to lose his balance and land on his neck! This is bad, Dante is hardly moving, Agent 47 pulls out a bottle with a liquid inside and waves it at Dante, then asks; “Did you enjoy your lunch?” It appears that 47 has drugged Dante, with enough tranquilliser to send an elephant to sleep. Dante’s neck must be broken, as the half-demon is lying without shouting, or moving. The Hitman walks over and in a single merciless action and fires a bullet into Dante’s skull.
WINNER: HITMAN
Winner of GROUP C v Winner of GROUP D
SOLID SNAKE v MARIO
Snake and Mario are trying to stare each other out, Snake with a smug grin on his face; he must think this is going to be a walk in the park. Mario is wearing a utility belt, with an assortment of evil-looking weapons on it; drain unblocker (extremely corrosive), his plunger of death, screwdrivers and a very large wrench. Snake appears to have only brought his silenced handgun; he is really pushing it in our opinion! The match begins, Mario throws two razor-sharp screwdrivers at Snake, one of them sinking into Snake’s leg and it is soon covered in blood. Snake grunts in pain and shoots Mario, who rolls out of the way. Snake runs over to Mario and does a punch-punch-kick combo, which floors the plumber. He then begins to choke Mario in a headlock; we all know what is coming next… Suddenly, with a surge of anger, Mario picks up his wrench with his free hand and delivers a blow to Snake’s head, we hear the sickening crack, as wrench meets skull. Snake’s grip on Mario loosens and Mario escapes, but only just. Snake places a bandage over his wound and shoots Mario in the back of the head. Mario falls, but gets back up again, removing his red hat and showing the bulletproof interior to Snake. Snake is beginning to wish he hadn’t underestimated his enemy. Mario appears to be looking down, the audience’s gaze follows Mario’s and we can see a mushroom on the floor. Mario picks it up and eats it! This mushroom seems to be making Mario grow! The sound of stretching skin and bones growing is heard and before long, Mario is 10ft tall. The giant plumber bellows a war cry and stampedes towards Snake. Snake says; “I’ve seen bigger monsters,” and shoots Mario in the leg, causing the plumber to fall over, and land on Snake. Snake doesn’t stand a chance, the 60 stone Mario crushes him and we hear every bone in Snake’s body breaking. After a while, Mario begins to shrink back to normal size again and stands up, looking at the broken body beneath him and cheering.
WINNER: MARIO
--------------WHAT YOU’VE BEEN UNDOUBTEDLY WAITING FOR: THE FINAL-----
The legendary Mario vs The merciless Agent 47
By now, the whole crowd is screaming in anticipation, even the old folks! Soon, there will be a winner, one contestant who has risen above the rest and killed mercilessly. There will be no second place, no consolation prize, as the winner of this tournament is simply the last one alive. Two remain, but only one will win…
The last deathmatch begins, the bell sounds, the audience awaits. There is a clap of thunder, and the heavens pour water down, Mario is clad in his usual red hat, red shirt, overalls and his utility belt (which seems to be equipped with even more menacing-looking weapons). Over his clothes, he is wearing body armour. Agent 47’s head is shining defiantly, and his suit is bulging with weapons. The finalists shake hands reluctantly before the match. The tension is extreme. Mario lunges at the Hitman and stabs a screwdriver into his leg. The Hitman draws a fire axe from within his suit and swings wildly at Mario, severing off his hand. A sulphurous explosion beats down as lightning explodes. Mario is bleeding, but in an act of pure adrenaline, he takes the blowtorch from his utility belt and cauterises the wound! Even the Hitman is surprised at this. Mario takes a wrench from his belt and delivers a crushing blow to the Hitman’s head, 47’s head begins to bleed. Agent 47 pulls out the fibre wire and goes for Mario, but the clever plumber dodges this and skilfully drives a screwdriver through the Hitman’s hand. The fibre wire falls to the floor, drenched in blood. The Hitman chops Mario in the throat with his other hand and this sends the plumber stumbling back. 47 charges at Mario and begins to punch him repeatedly, Mario’s bones are audibly breaking, as the relentless assault from the Hitman wears on. As the Hitman steps away, Mario has been beaten to a pulp, yet he still manages to stand up. Mario takes a small black box from his belt and opens it, revealing an orange flower. The Hitman looks disgusted at what he thinks is a peace offering from Mario. Most of us know that this is no peace offering, Mario consumes the flower and we hear the sound of transformation again. Mario’s clothes seem to have changed to an orange colour! He has consumed one of those flowers, from back in his first years in the video gaming world! Mario begins to throw red-hot apple-sized balls of fire at the Hitman. These fireballs set the Hitman alight; he is soon ablaze and screaming as he is burned to smithereens. Mario laughs cruelly as he draws his plunger from his belt, he approaches the Hitman (who is now on the floor) and delivers the plunger to the face. The combined cremation and suffocation proves too much for the trained assassin, who is soon reduced to a pile of ashes.
THE WINNER OF THE VIDEO GAMES CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH IS:
MARIO
Mario rose to the challenge, he pushed himself, and he emerged victorious. As the hero goes to collect his prize (a £5 boots voucher) the crowd screams his name, he bled, he killed, and he conquered.
Hope you enjoyed reading it.
Lombardo
Welcome to the Video Games Celebrity Death-match!
16 Big time Video Games stars go in, 1 comes out! This last-man standing tournament is being held to determine who is indeed the king (or queen) of the video gaming world. The 16 chosen contestants have been carefully selected from the masses of video games celebrities, and matched as I saw fit in the interests of fairness. The following post may contain violent and graphic descriptions, so people who may take offence to an imaginary character being harmed should not read it.
THE CONTESTANTS & WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THEM
007 Agent Under Fire, Nightfire
Agent 47 Hitman, Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Crash Bandicoot Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex
Dante Devil May Cry
Ico Ico
Jimmy Patterson Medal of Honor, MOH: Frontline
Laura Croft Tomb Raider
Mario Super Mario World(cool), Mario Sunshine(not cool)
Mark Hammond The Getaway
Monkey Timesplitters 2
Ryu Street Fighter
Solid Snake Metal Gear Solid
Sonic Sonic the Hedgehog
Spyro Spyro the Dragon
Tommy Vercetti Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Yuna Final Fantasy 10
The contestants have been matched as follows:
GROUP A
Yuna
Dante
Laura Croft
Spry
GROUP B
007
Agent 47
Mark Hammond
Tommy Vercetti
GROUP C
Solid Snake
Jimmy Patterson
Sonic
Monkey
GROUP D
Mario
Crash
Ico
Ryu
--------- ----------------ROUND 1---------------- ----------------
A
YUNA v DANTE
The bell rings, and Dante doesn’t waste a second, he jumps up magnificently, does a double back flip, while firing two bullets into Yuna’s left arm. She grabs her arm and drops to the ground, Dante begins to walk towards her to end the match, but Yuna is saying an incantation! Suddenly the sun bursts into red flames, and from within it, the fire demon Ifrit flies out like a burning inferno. Dante looks as if he is going to need a new pair of trousers, until he remembers his gauntlets, his Ifrit gauntlets… Ifrit hurls a fireball at Dante, which is absorbed by Dante’s gauntlets, leaving him uninjured. Dante then performs a roll and delivers a kick to Ifrit’s groin, this causes Ifrit to fall to the floor, crying like a big (14ft tall) baby. Yuna calls Ifrit back and rapidly casts Thundaga at Dante, who deflects this back at Yuna using his Alastor sword, the 100, 000 volts fries Yuna instantly.
WINNER: DANTE
LAURA v SPYRO
The match begins, and guess what? Laura “accidentally lost” the top buttons in her tight shirt, this does not fool us and we can see that she is trying to “persuade” Spyro to forfeit. Spyro appears to be falling for it, and walks over to Laura, who is making googly eyes at him. He is drawing dangerously close to Laura. Hold on a moment! It appears we underestimated our little friend! Spyro spits out a mighty fire column towards Laura, who narrowly misses being cooked. Laura is not happy. The smell of burnt hair fills the arena and there is anger in Laura’s eyes, as she holds the charred remains of her ponytail in her hands. Spyro is celebrating, by gliding around the arena, and Laura wants revenge. She pulls out a grenade launcher from her ridiculously small backpack and fires a grenade up, which explodes near Spyro and causes him to fall from the sky, Laura walks over to Spyro, carries out her newest move, SNAP! Spyro’s neck is limp and the little dragon is motionless, but Laura does not seem to regret her actions, after all, she kills animals on a frequent basis.
WINNER: LAURA CROFT
B
007 v AGENT 47
The suits arrive at the arena, Bond arrives in a flashy Porsche with a spoiler and a body kit, 47 arrives on foot, with his head shining and he is carrying sort of wire in his hands. The bell rings. 47 pulls out dual handguns from the inside pockets of his suit and empties the clips on Bond’s car, 007 steps out, looking very angry and muttering something along the lines of having just had a new paint job. Bond throws a knife at 47, which narrowly misses his head. Agent 47 is walking towards Bond, with a crazed look in his eyes. Bond tries to negotiate by unleashing some of his legendary one liners and telling the Hitman that he can fix him up with some Bond girls. Agent 47 is not interested, and before long he has reached Bond, who unexpectedly does a roll and floors the Hitman. Bond approaches 47, who seems to be out cold, and says, “What shampoo do you use? Wash n Go?”; this cheesy one-liner seems to set the Hitman off. 47 springs up with lightning speed and wraps a fibre wire around Bond’s neck, he tightens his grip and doesn’t release untill 007 is motionless. The girls in the stands begin to cry.
WINNER: AGENT 47
MARK HAMMOND v TOMMY VERCETTI
Mark appears to have shown up early, so he awaits Tommy, whilst enjoying a good portion of fish and chips. We begin to hear a buzzing sound, gradually becoming louder and louder. From off-in-the distance, we can see a golf cart approaching. Tommy Vercetti is driving, dressed in a pastel-blue suit, with the sleeves rolled up and ready for action. “Whats this Gov?” says Mark Hammond, “I run this place now,” replies Tommy Vercetti. The bell rings, and Hammond charges at Vercetti whilst firing a shotgun, Tommy’s body armour is reduced to shreds, but miraculously, Tommy is unscathed. “I’ll cut off your cojones” shouts Tommy, and runs at Hammond with a Katana sword, Hammond manages to wrestle the weapon from Tommy’s grip, and administers a swift punch to the jaw. Tommy is bleeding, but he is determined to win. He runs over to his golf cart, and pulls out what appears to be a car exhaust pipe. Only when we see a barrage of bullets riddling through Mark Hammond, do we realise that Vercetti had brought his 80s-style mini-gun. The crowd goes wild.
WINNER: TOMMY VERCETTI
C
SOLID SNAKE v JIMMY PATTERSON
The man, the myth, the legend; Snake arrives, dressed as a Russian guard and carrying a sword of some kind. Patterson pulls up in an old jeep, wearing his trusty combats and carrying his good old rifle. The match begins. Patterson closes one eye, marks his man, and quickly fires a shot at Snake’s head, amazingly, Snake deflects it with his ninja sword! Patterson decides to be more direct, and hurls a grenade at Snake, but Snake (having had the experience of dodging explosive projectiles previously) rolls out of the way. Suddenly, Snakes disappears, there is no explanation for this except for Snake’s stealth gear. The slightly shell-shocked Patterson begins to search frantically for his enemy, but there are no traces of Snake. Patterson calls HQ for advice, they inform him that the war is over and he should go home. “Dagnab it, first it’s the war and now this Snake fel-” before Patterson can finish his sentence, the sound of a suppressed rifle being fired is heard from the direction of Patterson’s jeep. Suddenly, Jimmy drops to the ground, oozing blood from his head. Snake emerges from underneath the jeep, holding a silenced Sniper Rifle and smoking a cigarette. Classy.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
SONIC v MONKEY
The audience awaits in anticipation, as neither of the contestants have arrived. All is quiet, all is still. ZIP! A blue blur speeds by, Sonic has entered the arena. Then, we hear another sound, something that wouldn’t be out of place in a Star-Trek movie, and the Monkey teleports into the arena, with a very big watermelon in his hands. Sonic speeds over to the Monkey, and they begin to battle it out, mano a mano (or should I say monkey a hedgehog?). The Monkey is adopts a Kung-Fu style and Sonic seems to have gone for the Street Brawler style. Sonic violently smashes a chair over the Monkey’s head, the freshly bleeding Monkey fights back with a chop to the neck, which causes Sonic to drop to the floor, twitching. While Sonic recovers, the Monkey trudges over to his watermelon, with the effects of the chair-to-the head kicking in. The Monkey presses a button and the watermelon opens! This is no ordinary watermelon; there are weapons inside, and lots of them! The Monkey pulls out twin Tommy Guns, and lets Sonic have it! Sonic tries to charge at the Monkey in a last attempt to kills his opponent, but the blue blur which is advancing towards the Monkey turns red as it is hit by a hail of bullets, eventually the blur, stops altogether, and the now late Sonic drops to the ground. The Monkey’s celebration is not an unfamiliar one, he celebrates by eating several bananas in rapid succession.
WINNER: MONKEY
D
MARIO v CRASH
The crowds are roaring, a special platform arena has been set up for these veterans of the platforming world. The match is underway, Mario jumps into a pipe and emerges behind Bandicoot, punches him, and goes back into the pipe. Crash Bandicoot throws an apple at Mario, which gives Mario a nosebleed. The plumber is angry, and begins to chase Crash, who runs, seeing that Mario is much larger than he is. Mario looks around the arena, and spots one of the turtles which he is so familiar with. He runs by, punches the turtle out of its shell and takes the shell. Crash has decided to go on the offensive, and charges at Mario. Mario is prepared and Crash does indeed, crash. Bandicoot’s head meets the turtle shell with a sickening crack and a grey substance dribbles from Crash Bandicoot’s head. Mario walks out the victor, leaving the fatally injured Crash to meet his end.
WINNER: MARIO
ICO v RYU
Ryu begins the match with a trademark Street Fighter taunt. Ico however, is not as careless, he takes this valuable time to sharpen his only weapon; his stick. Ryu rolls over to Ico and executes a devastating Dragon punch, this sends Ico flying. Ico gets up, dazed and starts towards Ryu. Ryu launches a Hadou-ken, which goes over Ico’s head; Ico laughs at this and taunts Ryu in a less-than adequate way (he moons him). Ryu’s retribution to this taunt is swift and cruel; he delivers an axe kick to Ico’s head, who falls to the ground. Ico lies still for about ten seconds, then quickly gets up, and throws a handful of sand into Ryu’s eyes. Ryu, who is temporarily blinded, stumbles around, unaware that Ico is sneaking up on him with his very sharp stick. Ico skewers Ryu through the torso with his stick, the audience is disgusted by Ico’s sneaky and messy way to win the fight. Ico begins shouting abuse at the audience and has to be dragged off from the arena, this drastic change in personality can only be accredited to his recent break up with Princess Yorda (she got a settlement which included Ico’s TVR Tuscan, his house and the pet dog, Rover).
WINNER: Ico
-------------- ----------------ROUND 2------------ --------------
A
DANTE v LAURA CROFT
What a bizarre match up, a half-demon against an archaeologist (an angry archaeologist that is). The bell rings, and Dante does the usual quad back flip 540 whilst shooting a shotgun in 8 different directions, all at the same time. However, these acrobatics affect Dante’s accuracy and as a result most of the bullets end up flying towards the stands, where the audience is situated. That is probably going to lose him some popularity, and the reaction of the crowd is a mixed one, with cheers, boos and some agonised screams. Laura pulls a shotgun from her backpack (everyone is still mesmerised by how she fits a shotgun in that tiny bag) and unloads in Dante’s direction, who flips out of the way, but takes a bullet to the arm. Dante stops to brush his hair, and then puts on his Ifrit gauntlets, before hurling fireballs at Laura, what remains of her previously burned hair stands no chance; she emerges from the flames with a ripped shirt and she is bald! Again, the audience has a mixed reaction, to the fortunate ripping of her shirt and the unfortunate cremation of her hair. Laura sprints at Dante, with an explosive energy, and she lands a kick on his torso, Dante is sent flying and lands awkwardly on his back. It looks like this could be curtains for Dante, but then we see a strange blue light burning in his eyes! Looks like a Devil Trigger! He catapults up from the ground, with Alastor drawn and he is surrounded by blazing bolts of lightning. He raises his sword and flies towards Laura, at the last moment pointing the mighty Alastor sword forwards, and unleashing a mighty bolt of lighting. Laura is on the ground, completely still, how are they going to bring Laura back from this? Looks like she may well be truly dead, and not just faking it to sell products (ahem cough cough).
WINNER: DANTE
B
AGENT 47 v TOMMY VERCETTI
This looks like it is going to be an interesting match-up! Both contestants look hyped and ready for action. 47 seems to have a look of self satisfaction for some reason but Vercetti soon wipes this off his face with a golf club to the stomach. Once the Hitman has his breath back, he begins to laugh! Tommy Vercetti pulls out a Shotgun and fires, “click click,” the Hitman’s laughter is louder, as he sees the look on Tommy’s face when he realises that his bullets went “mysteriously” missing. Tommy runs to his golf cart and picks up his bloodstained chainsaw, before charging at 47. Agent 47 draws his Sniper rifle and fires once at the chainsaw, stopping the motor, and he fires once at Tommy’s shoulder, flooring the crime lord. Tommy Vercetti searches in his jacket and produces a pill, which he consumes. “Thish will make me shuper shtrong,” says Tommy. What is this? Tommy seems to be oblivious that there is a 4-inch bullet lodged in his shoulder! He stumbles over to the Hitman and delivers a punch, strangely enough; Agent 47 is launched about 2 metres into the air! This pill appears to have made him super strong! Agent 47 knows his pills though and remembers the slow reaction times caused by this drug. He proceeds to run around Tommy, who tries to keep him in his sights and ends up making himself so dizzy that he promptly falls on the floor. The Hitman walks over to Tommy with a syringe, containing a green liquid, this syringe is inserted into Tommy’s neck and the liquid is squeezed into him. The Hitman sits down in Tommy’s golf cart and waits. After about 2 minutes, Tommy begins to froth at the mouth and twitch nervously. The crime lord eventually stops twitching and lies dead in a frothy mess. The Hitman takes out a book from within his suit and adds a cross to a VERY long list of crosses.
WINNER: AGENT 47
C
SOLID SNAKE v MONKEY
The legendary Solid Snake thinks this is a joke, he shouldn’t fight a monkey, it is a mere animal! The Monkey thinks otherwise as he enters the arena laden with ammunition, carrying a Mini gun and a Homing Rocket launcher. “Ring Ring”, the match begins. Snake is not a person to waste time and he throws a chaff grenade up in the air, as it explodes it sends countless numbers of tiny aluminium shards floating through the air. This renders the Monkey’s Homing Rocket launcher useless, but Monkey knows this and discards of it. Snake is donning his infinite ammo bandanna, as he draws an AK-47 and fires round after round towards the Monkey, but the Monkey is having none of it, as he draws a Laser Gun and activates the bullet shield. Snake’s bullets drop harmlessly to the ground as they make contact with the bullet shield! Snake draws his sword and runs at the Monkey; he swings for his head, but the slippery simian ducks. Snake swings again but this time he hits, cutting off the Monkey’s left arm! Blood flies all around, as the Monkey screams in pain. The Monkey bites into Snake’s leg, in an attempt to draw blood as a retribution for Snake’s attack. Snake reaches down calmly, and grabs the Monkey’s thin neck, with a sudden jerk and a SNAP the Monkey’s neck is broken like a breadstick.
WINNER: SOLID SNAKE
D
MARIO v ICO
The porky Mario and the mentally unstable Ico pace around each other, each one looking as determined as the other. The match begins and Ico does not waste time, as he lunges at Mario with his extremely sharp stick, Mario side steps and gives Ico a kick to the rear end. Ico turns and throws his stick, like a spear, at Mario, but the porky plumber is surprisingly fast, as he dodges this violent attack.”Whassa matter? You stupid?” Mario taunts. Ico spits on the ground and runs towards Mario with a handful of sand. Mario, having watched Ico’s last fight, knows this dirty tactic, so he throws some ultra-corrosive Mr. Muscle unblocker at Ico, which begins to burn at his skin. Ico drops the sand, but then throws a rock, which hits Mario in the side of the head, cutting him. Mario is having no more of this and executes a jump to Ico’s head, which sends him straight to the ground (a fat plumber is a dangerous weapon). Mario reaches into the front pocket of his overalls and pulls out a plunger. He walks over to Ico and drives it onto Ico’s face; the air suction is so strong that Ico can’t remove it, and can’t breathe, before long the once-fiery Ico is lying still, with a plunger over his face. And you thought Mario was for kids!
WINNER: MARIO
-------------- ---------------SEMI-FINALS------------ ----------------
Winner of GROUP A v Winner of GROUP B
DANTE v AGENT 47
The arena is completely full of expectant spectators, who speculate as to what the outcome of the deathmatch tournament will be, Dante and Agent 47 will no doubt be pulling out all the stops and giving it their all. Agent 47 steps out looking bruised, but this hasn’t affected his dress code; an immaculately clean suit. Dante emerges from the changing rooms wearing a distinctly gothic-style black leather jacket and loaded to the teeth with guns. We examine the Hitman more closely to see if he is also carrying firearms and sure enough, there are several bumps in his suit and around his waist. This is going to be one hell of a fight! The bell rings and a few milliseconds later, the Hitman has drawn his dual Silverballers handguns, Dante draws his grenade launcher and both adversaries fire at the same time, they also dive to the side whilst firing, so both of them miss. It seems that a gunfight might not solve this problem, they’re both too experienced in gunplay. Dante drops his guns and charges at the Hitman, who is doing the same, they clash, with a mighty sound, both opponents come out bleeding from the face. The Hitman says, “It should be working now…” No-one is sure of what he means, but we’re sure it is sneaky. Dante tells him to shut it and leaps up, he attempts to do a one handed backflip whilst using his other hand to fire a handgun at the Hitman, but he seems to lose his balance and land on his neck! This is bad, Dante is hardly moving, Agent 47 pulls out a bottle with a liquid inside and waves it at Dante, then asks; “Did you enjoy your lunch?” It appears that 47 has drugged Dante, with enough tranquilliser to send an elephant to sleep. Dante’s neck must be broken, as the half-demon is lying without shouting, or moving. The Hitman walks over and in a single merciless action and fires a bullet into Dante’s skull.
WINNER: HITMAN
Winner of GROUP C v Winner of GROUP D
SOLID SNAKE v MARIO
Snake and Mario are trying to stare each other out, Snake with a smug grin on his face; he must think this is going to be a walk in the park. Mario is wearing a utility belt, with an assortment of evil-looking weapons on it; drain unblocker (extremely corrosive), his plunger of death, screwdrivers and a very large wrench. Snake appears to have only brought his silenced handgun; he is really pushing it in our opinion! The match begins, Mario throws two razor-sharp screwdrivers at Snake, one of them sinking into Snake’s leg and it is soon covered in blood. Snake grunts in pain and shoots Mario, who rolls out of the way. Snake runs over to Mario and does a punch-punch-kick combo, which floors the plumber. He then begins to choke Mario in a headlock; we all know what is coming next… Suddenly, with a surge of anger, Mario picks up his wrench with his free hand and delivers a blow to Snake’s head, we hear the sickening crack, as wrench meets skull. Snake’s grip on Mario loosens and Mario escapes, but only just. Snake places a bandage over his wound and shoots Mario in the back of the head. Mario falls, but gets back up again, removing his red hat and showing the bulletproof interior to Snake. Snake is beginning to wish he hadn’t underestimated his enemy. Mario appears to be looking down, the audience’s gaze follows Mario’s and we can see a mushroom on the floor. Mario picks it up and eats it! This mushroom seems to be making Mario grow! The sound of stretching skin and bones growing is heard and before long, Mario is 10ft tall. The giant plumber bellows a war cry and stampedes towards Snake. Snake says; “I’ve seen bigger monsters,” and shoots Mario in the leg, causing the plumber to fall over, and land on Snake. Snake doesn’t stand a chance, the 60 stone Mario crushes him and we hear every bone in Snake’s body breaking. After a while, Mario begins to shrink back to normal size again and stands up, looking at the broken body beneath him and cheering.
WINNER: MARIO
--------------WHAT YOU’VE BEEN UNDOUBTEDLY WAITING FOR: THE FINAL-----
The legendary Mario vs The merciless Agent 47
By now, the whole crowd is screaming in anticipation, even the old folks! Soon, there will be a winner, one contestant who has risen above the rest and killed mercilessly. There will be no second place, no consolation prize, as the winner of this tournament is simply the last one alive. Two remain, but only one will win…
The last deathmatch begins, the bell sounds, the audience awaits. There is a clap of thunder, and the heavens pour water down, Mario is clad in his usual red hat, red shirt, overalls and his utility belt (which seems to be equipped with even more menacing-looking weapons). Over his clothes, he is wearing body armour. Agent 47’s head is shining defiantly, and his suit is bulging with weapons. The finalists shake hands reluctantly before the match. The tension is extreme. Mario lunges at the Hitman and stabs a screwdriver into his leg. The Hitman draws a fire axe from within his suit and swings wildly at Mario, severing off his hand. A sulphurous explosion beats down as lightning explodes. Mario is bleeding, but in an act of pure adrenaline, he takes the blowtorch from his utility belt and cauterises the wound! Even the Hitman is surprised at this. Mario takes a wrench from his belt and delivers a crushing blow to the Hitman’s head, 47’s head begins to bleed. Agent 47 pulls out the fibre wire and goes for Mario, but the clever plumber dodges this and skilfully drives a screwdriver through the Hitman’s hand. The fibre wire falls to the floor, drenched in blood. The Hitman chops Mario in the throat with his other hand and this sends the plumber stumbling back. 47 charges at Mario and begins to punch him repeatedly, Mario’s bones are audibly breaking, as the relentless assault from the Hitman wears on. As the Hitman steps away, Mario has been beaten to a pulp, yet he still manages to stand up. Mario takes a small black box from his belt and opens it, revealing an orange flower. The Hitman looks disgusted at what he thinks is a peace offering from Mario. Most of us know that this is no peace offering, Mario consumes the flower and we hear the sound of transformation again. Mario’s clothes seem to have changed to an orange colour! He has consumed one of those flowers, from back in his first years in the video gaming world! Mario begins to throw red-hot apple-sized balls of fire at the Hitman. These fireballs set the Hitman alight; he is soon ablaze and screaming as he is burned to smithereens. Mario laughs cruelly as he draws his plunger from his belt, he approaches the Hitman (who is now on the floor) and delivers the plunger to the face. The combined cremation and suffocation proves too much for the trained assassin, who is soon reduced to a pile of ashes.
THE WINNER OF THE VIDEO GAMES CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH IS:
MARIO
Mario rose to the challenge, he pushed himself, and he emerged victorious. As the hero goes to collect his prize (a £5 boots voucher) the crowd screams his name, he bled, he killed, and he conquered.
Hope you enjoyed reading it.
Lombardo
You know its Lara Croft, don't you?
Meh,
Great stuff, chuckled me thong off.
Meh,
Great stuff, chuckled me thong off.
GAD attempt? I see.
Waarrgghh, Hargh hargh harx! Aharx! That is soooo funny!! Dayem that is wicked! I salute you for that amazing one heck of a story!
That was soo cool dude. GAD win me thinks.
very goodmate,deserves a GAD
It was purely brilliant. I loved it! Of course it will win GAD!!!
It was good but dragged alot - would have been better with fewer contenders I think.
Kyz22 wrote:
> dragged alot - would have been better with fewer
> contenders I think.
Yeah but if I had done that, I would have to leave out some important characters from the video gaming world.
Thanks for the positive comments from you guys though.
> dragged alot - would have been better with fewer
> contenders I think.
Yeah but if I had done that, I would have to leave out some important characters from the video gaming world.
Thanks for the positive comments from you guys though.
That was super stuff mate, surley a GAD winner.