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Has it ever happened to you? Is there such a thing…? [X-Files music] It sure as hell happened to me! Yep. I'll be the first to admit it. I was just casually walking down the street one day when BAAM!!! all of a sudden, I hear a hyper blaster in the middle of a crowded street… I turn around; I strafe a bit and nothing!!! No health points lost! I'm all right?? Now why am I paranoid you say? That's easy, how could it not have taken off any health points, man?? Then it finally dawned on me…. No, it didn't dawn on me at that exact moment. First, I went home and fired up a game of Quake 2; then I ordered some pizza and cut… I kinda was… wait. Oh yes! As I was saying, then it dawned on me, man! People can now actually try to frag me with rocket launchers and I can survive! Oh, baby! The moment I've been waiting for all my life, because there was this one movie where they say "the sleeper must awaken" and I knew they were thinking of me, because I was late for school that day and I was sleepin' and all of a sudden I hear them say that sentence in that movie and I'm like: "whoa dude, this is no coincidence," because I'm sure (although I couldn't see because it was still dark and the TV screen was facing the fish tank - see, I live in this little hut in the fields and it takes me a while to get to the city) the guy was actually looking straight at me when he said those words. So, yeah, I knew from that day forth I was kinda chosen by the little guys to lead this life of an immortal hero just like in that movie where that dude cuts that other dude's head off and says: there can be only one!!! and since I was the only one in my hut watching the movie I figured he meant me.
Anyways, so I knew I was the chosen one because of all the signs, and when that hyper blaster went off in the street and I didn't lose any health points I was sure this is the definitive proof of my theory. So, I go out again and like I'm waiting for another test… I take the subway, right, and I'm standing next to this chick, and she's staring at me… and then she quickly looks away. I mean, after she saw I was staring back. And I mean I'd do her. She's cute, but she seems like she wants something from me.
Chick: GULP. (Squirms uncomfortably in her seat.)
Me: Hi. (I smile.)
Chick: … (Looks away again.)
Me: HIIIII!!! (Now I'm sorta tensed.)
Chick: … (Staring again.)
Me: Hello!!!
Chick: Here take all of it! Just don't hurt me!!
So, now I figure she knows about my special skills, and I'm like:
No, I don't need any money or support. It's not like I'm that guy who chops off heads or anything… He just, you know, gave me a sign.
Chick: (Frightened. Whispers quietly.) Please, here! (Takes out and tightly squeezes a couple of ten pound notes -her hands are shaking.) For the love of all that's good and sacred, I have a family and they love me very much!
So, now I sympathize with her because like I had a family but they moved away and stuff… And I try to calm her down. I tell her:
Don't sweat it little lady. I'm just testing my skill, but shhh… keep quiet… Say, have you seen them walking around with Rocket Launchers? Is it gonna rain?
Chick: HUH?
Me: A__R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R! What do you want me to do? Spell it out for ya!?
Chick: Please, take the money….
Me: (Slightly cheesed off) I don't want the goddamn money, are you deaf?? A R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R!! (Now I start wondering why she thinks I'm after her. She could have a chaingun stashed underneath that seat. I think it could fit.)
Chick: NO, NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY ROCKET LAUNCHERS, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GONNA RAIN OR NOT… I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST…. I'M A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!!
(Gardening consultant???)
And just as she was shouting and screamin', I hear it… sure enough… just like in Unreal Tournament. I hear the ominous clicking - somebody is loading up rockets…
I must admit I froze for a moment. And what the hell is a gardening consultant?? That threw me off for a second. I mean it's not like I do this every day… I mean not cover all the angles before I go into the subway… Hell, I've seen cheesed off people rocket-jump and stuff, so you gotta watch the roof as well. It's like usually they don't take off more than 20HP at the most… But this time it was different. I've left myself wide open…
Guess what happened next? That chick starts screaming: I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST, I'M NOT!!!! I WORK AS A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!! (And that gardening consultant still psyched me out.) Anyway, I think all that stress got to her and she cracked…. So, I like strafe a bit and fire a few rounds with my Desert Eagle (I carry it around, cause I never have money to buy nothing else, and it's a relatively cost-efficient weapon). Ya know, just as some sort of suppressive fire…. And sure enough, I don't hear any rockets going off, and I'm like YEAH, MAN!!! HE REALIZED WHO I WAS and he figured all resistance is futile, because I've heard that on the tube the other day, and this very cool chick actually said those words, but then she just started saying "collective," "collective" and you see, I'm not into that kinky stuff. (Back then, when I watched that "all resistance is…" show in my hut, the TV screen wasn't facing the fish tank - I sometimes do that you see, because the fish like to watch the Simpsons, but I'm mean to fish and I never let them watch the Simpsons; instead, I just turn on whatever I wanna watch, but I don't watch it, I just torture the fish by forcing them to watch stuff they don't like.)
So, I turn to that chick again and I'm like… Hey, you seem like a nice girl… (I size her up and smile again.) Wanna go out with me? And then she starts crying tears of joy, cause I could see she was very happy and she starts saying stuff like: "GALE FORCE WINDS WILL PICK UP (HAHAHA), 50MPH, A COLD FROM COMING FROM THE NORTH (AHAHAHA, BO-OO)" And I'm like: "snap out of it, crazy woman!" S**t, if I only knew all gardening consultants were this crazy. And can someone please explain to me what gardening consultants actually do?
I gently tap her on the forehead with my Desert Eagle and she snaps out of it. And she's like:
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? WHAT IS A ROCKET LAUNCHER?? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY - I'M A GOAT AND I WANT LOVE?? ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD ME HOSTAGED HERE??
It's funny she should mention that, don't you think?
Me holding a .50 Desert Eagle and all. So, I just casually mention that I sometimes join the Avengers… And she starts crying even more tears of joy (although it could seem she was frightened to death to an untrained eye)! So, now I'm like: she must know that guy who fragged my butt with a BFG and what if she's secretly contacting the Seal team as we speak? So, I decide to play along…
Me: (Mumbling) Fire in the hole!!
Chick: What?!?
Me: Er, nothing… (She didn't even flinch! She's more cunning than I thought!)
Me: You seem like a cool chick; wanna go out with me??
Chick: YOU RAVING LUNATIC!!! I'LL SUE THE ASYLUM THAT LETS OUT CRACKHEADS LIKE YOU BACK ON THE STREET!!! NO-NO-NO!
So, now I'm very surprised, I mean I can see her health is at 100HP and she's got that body armor on her chest (women call it differently for some reason, but most of the chicks I know are in fact guys, and I guess they just take those chick models because then they think they are harder to frag --- they're stupid, cause all bounding boxes are the same size), so that's gotta be at least a golden shard +50, so I'm like: that guy with the RL is gone now. You can relax… (I figure I should throw her off; like I don't know why she mentioned that word - "hostage.")
So, you wanna go to this nice Italian restaurant? (Nudge, nudge --- a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind bat --- ITALIAN)
I figure this should tip her off for sure.
Me: (Shouting) Fire in the hole!!!
Chick: What, what is that??
Next thing I know the train stops and she's running out the door like she's the last surviving hostage on cs_italy, and I'm like: "wait!!" but then she just laughs hysterically and flips a bird at me! Can you believe that? And what did I do? Crazy people make me sick!
Anyways, so I decided to get off on the next stop and continue to test my newfound skill…
*to be continued...if you want*
Anyways, so I knew I was the chosen one because of all the signs, and when that hyper blaster went off in the street and I didn't lose any health points I was sure this is the definitive proof of my theory. So, I go out again and like I'm waiting for another test… I take the subway, right, and I'm standing next to this chick, and she's staring at me… and then she quickly looks away. I mean, after she saw I was staring back. And I mean I'd do her. She's cute, but she seems like she wants something from me.
Chick: GULP. (Squirms uncomfortably in her seat.)
Me: Hi. (I smile.)
Chick: … (Looks away again.)
Me: HIIIII!!! (Now I'm sorta tensed.)
Chick: … (Staring again.)
Me: Hello!!!
Chick: Here take all of it! Just don't hurt me!!
So, now I figure she knows about my special skills, and I'm like:
No, I don't need any money or support. It's not like I'm that guy who chops off heads or anything… He just, you know, gave me a sign.
Chick: (Frightened. Whispers quietly.) Please, here! (Takes out and tightly squeezes a couple of ten pound notes -her hands are shaking.) For the love of all that's good and sacred, I have a family and they love me very much!
So, now I sympathize with her because like I had a family but they moved away and stuff… And I try to calm her down. I tell her:
Don't sweat it little lady. I'm just testing my skill, but shhh… keep quiet… Say, have you seen them walking around with Rocket Launchers? Is it gonna rain?
Chick: HUH?
Me: A__R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R! What do you want me to do? Spell it out for ya!?
Chick: Please, take the money….
Me: (Slightly cheesed off) I don't want the goddamn money, are you deaf?? A R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R!! (Now I start wondering why she thinks I'm after her. She could have a chaingun stashed underneath that seat. I think it could fit.)
Chick: NO, NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY ROCKET LAUNCHERS, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GONNA RAIN OR NOT… I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST…. I'M A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!!
(Gardening consultant???)
And just as she was shouting and screamin', I hear it… sure enough… just like in Unreal Tournament. I hear the ominous clicking - somebody is loading up rockets…
I must admit I froze for a moment. And what the hell is a gardening consultant?? That threw me off for a second. I mean it's not like I do this every day… I mean not cover all the angles before I go into the subway… Hell, I've seen cheesed off people rocket-jump and stuff, so you gotta watch the roof as well. It's like usually they don't take off more than 20HP at the most… But this time it was different. I've left myself wide open…
Guess what happened next? That chick starts screaming: I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST, I'M NOT!!!! I WORK AS A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!! (And that gardening consultant still psyched me out.) Anyway, I think all that stress got to her and she cracked…. So, I like strafe a bit and fire a few rounds with my Desert Eagle (I carry it around, cause I never have money to buy nothing else, and it's a relatively cost-efficient weapon). Ya know, just as some sort of suppressive fire…. And sure enough, I don't hear any rockets going off, and I'm like YEAH, MAN!!! HE REALIZED WHO I WAS and he figured all resistance is futile, because I've heard that on the tube the other day, and this very cool chick actually said those words, but then she just started saying "collective," "collective" and you see, I'm not into that kinky stuff. (Back then, when I watched that "all resistance is…" show in my hut, the TV screen wasn't facing the fish tank - I sometimes do that you see, because the fish like to watch the Simpsons, but I'm mean to fish and I never let them watch the Simpsons; instead, I just turn on whatever I wanna watch, but I don't watch it, I just torture the fish by forcing them to watch stuff they don't like.)
So, I turn to that chick again and I'm like… Hey, you seem like a nice girl… (I size her up and smile again.) Wanna go out with me? And then she starts crying tears of joy, cause I could see she was very happy and she starts saying stuff like: "GALE FORCE WINDS WILL PICK UP (HAHAHA), 50MPH, A COLD FROM COMING FROM THE NORTH (AHAHAHA, BO-OO)" And I'm like: "snap out of it, crazy woman!" S**t, if I only knew all gardening consultants were this crazy. And can someone please explain to me what gardening consultants actually do?
I gently tap her on the forehead with my Desert Eagle and she snaps out of it. And she's like:
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? WHAT IS A ROCKET LAUNCHER?? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY - I'M A GOAT AND I WANT LOVE?? ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD ME HOSTAGED HERE??
It's funny she should mention that, don't you think?
Me holding a .50 Desert Eagle and all. So, I just casually mention that I sometimes join the Avengers… And she starts crying even more tears of joy (although it could seem she was frightened to death to an untrained eye)! So, now I'm like: she must know that guy who fragged my butt with a BFG and what if she's secretly contacting the Seal team as we speak? So, I decide to play along…
Me: (Mumbling) Fire in the hole!!
Chick: What?!?
Me: Er, nothing… (She didn't even flinch! She's more cunning than I thought!)
Me: You seem like a cool chick; wanna go out with me??
Chick: YOU RAVING LUNATIC!!! I'LL SUE THE ASYLUM THAT LETS OUT CRACKHEADS LIKE YOU BACK ON THE STREET!!! NO-NO-NO!
So, now I'm very surprised, I mean I can see her health is at 100HP and she's got that body armor on her chest (women call it differently for some reason, but most of the chicks I know are in fact guys, and I guess they just take those chick models because then they think they are harder to frag --- they're stupid, cause all bounding boxes are the same size), so that's gotta be at least a golden shard +50, so I'm like: that guy with the RL is gone now. You can relax… (I figure I should throw her off; like I don't know why she mentioned that word - "hostage.")
So, you wanna go to this nice Italian restaurant? (Nudge, nudge --- a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind bat --- ITALIAN)
I figure this should tip her off for sure.
Me: (Shouting) Fire in the hole!!!
Chick: What, what is that??
Next thing I know the train stops and she's running out the door like she's the last surviving hostage on cs_italy, and I'm like: "wait!!" but then she just laughs hysterically and flips a bird at me! Can you believe that? And what did I do? Crazy people make me sick!
Anyways, so I decided to get off on the next stop and continue to test my newfound skill…
*to be continued...if you want*
Ermmmm, thanks!
Is this one of the strangest posts I've ever read or what?
Yup.
But who cares, when it was well-written and funny?
(Awaits thanks from writer)
Well done, old bean, ha ha!
Yup.
But who cares, when it was well-written and funny?
(Awaits thanks from writer)
Well done, old bean, ha ha!
do you have sex with the girl in the next episode?
Has it ever happened to you? Is there such a thing…? [X-Files music] It sure as hell happened to me! Yep. I'll be the first to admit it. I was just casually walking down the street one day when BAAM!!! all of a sudden, I hear a hyper blaster in the middle of a crowded street… I turn around; I strafe a bit and nothing!!! No health points lost! I'm all right?? Now why am I paranoid you say? That's easy, how could it not have taken off any health points, man?? Then it finally dawned on me…. No, it didn't dawn on me at that exact moment. First, I went home and fired up a game of Quake 2; then I ordered some pizza and cut… I kinda was… wait. Oh yes! As I was saying, then it dawned on me, man! People can now actually try to frag me with rocket launchers and I can survive! Oh, baby! The moment I've been waiting for all my life, because there was this one movie where they say "the sleeper must awaken" and I knew they were thinking of me, because I was late for school that day and I was sleepin' and all of a sudden I hear them say that sentence in that movie and I'm like: "whoa dude, this is no coincidence," because I'm sure (although I couldn't see because it was still dark and the TV screen was facing the fish tank - see, I live in this little hut in the fields and it takes me a while to get to the city) the guy was actually looking straight at me when he said those words. So, yeah, I knew from that day forth I was kinda chosen by the little guys to lead this life of an immortal hero just like in that movie where that dude cuts that other dude's head off and says: there can be only one!!! and since I was the only one in my hut watching the movie I figured he meant me.
Anyways, so I knew I was the chosen one because of all the signs, and when that hyper blaster went off in the street and I didn't lose any health points I was sure this is the definitive proof of my theory. So, I go out again and like I'm waiting for another test… I take the subway, right, and I'm standing next to this chick, and she's staring at me… and then she quickly looks away. I mean, after she saw I was staring back. And I mean I'd do her. She's cute, but she seems like she wants something from me.
Chick: GULP. (Squirms uncomfortably in her seat.)
Me: Hi. (I smile.)
Chick: … (Looks away again.)
Me: HIIIII!!! (Now I'm sorta tensed.)
Chick: … (Staring again.)
Me: Hello!!!
Chick: Here take all of it! Just don't hurt me!!
So, now I figure she knows about my special skills, and I'm like:
No, I don't need any money or support. It's not like I'm that guy who chops off heads or anything… He just, you know, gave me a sign.
Chick: (Frightened. Whispers quietly.) Please, here! (Takes out and tightly squeezes a couple of ten pound notes -her hands are shaking.) For the love of all that's good and sacred, I have a family and they love me very much!
So, now I sympathize with her because like I had a family but they moved away and stuff… And I try to calm her down. I tell her:
Don't sweat it little lady. I'm just testing my skill, but shhh… keep quiet… Say, have you seen them walking around with Rocket Launchers? Is it gonna rain?
Chick: HUH?
Me: A__R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R! What do you want me to do? Spell it out for ya!?
Chick: Please, take the money….
Me: (Slightly cheesed off) I don't want the goddamn money, are you deaf?? A R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R!! (Now I start wondering why she thinks I'm after her. She could have a chaingun stashed underneath that seat. I think it could fit.)
Chick: NO, NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY ROCKET LAUNCHERS, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GONNA RAIN OR NOT… I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST…. I'M A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!!
(Gardening consultant???)
And just as she was shouting and screamin', I hear it… sure enough… just like in Unreal Tournament. I hear the ominous clicking - somebody is loading up rockets…
I must admit I froze for a moment. And what the hell is a gardening consultant?? That threw me off for a second. I mean it's not like I do this every day… I mean not cover all the angles before I go into the subway… Hell, I've seen cheesed off people rocket-jump and stuff, so you gotta watch the roof as well. It's like usually they don't take off more than 20HP at the most… But this time it was different. I've left myself wide open…
Guess what happened next? That chick starts screaming: I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST, I'M NOT!!!! I WORK AS A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!! (And that gardening consultant still psyched me out.) Anyway, I think all that stress got to her and she cracked…. So, I like strafe a bit and fire a few rounds with my Desert Eagle (I carry it around, cause I never have money to buy nothing else, and it's a relatively cost-efficient weapon). Ya know, just as some sort of suppressive fire…. And sure enough, I don't hear any rockets going off, and I'm like YEAH, MAN!!! HE REALIZED WHO I WAS and he figured all resistance is futile, because I've heard that on the tube the other day, and this very cool chick actually said those words, but then she just started saying "collective," "collective" and you see, I'm not into that kinky stuff. (Back then, when I watched that "all resistance is…" show in my hut, the TV screen wasn't facing the fish tank - I sometimes do that you see, because the fish like to watch the Simpsons, but I'm mean to fish and I never let them watch the Simpsons; instead, I just turn on whatever I wanna watch, but I don't watch it, I just torture the fish by forcing them to watch stuff they don't like.)
So, I turn to that chick again and I'm like… Hey, you seem like a nice girl… (I size her up and smile again.) Wanna go out with me? And then she starts crying tears of joy, cause I could see she was very happy and she starts saying stuff like: "GALE FORCE WINDS WILL PICK UP (HAHAHA), 50MPH, A COLD FROM COMING FROM THE NORTH (AHAHAHA, BO-OO)" And I'm like: "snap out of it, crazy woman!" S**t, if I only knew all gardening consultants were this crazy. And can someone please explain to me what gardening consultants actually do?
I gently tap her on the forehead with my Desert Eagle and she snaps out of it. And she's like:
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? WHAT IS A ROCKET LAUNCHER?? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY - I'M A GOAT AND I WANT LOVE?? ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD ME HOSTAGED HERE??
It's funny she should mention that, don't you think?
Me holding a .50 Desert Eagle and all. So, I just casually mention that I sometimes join the Avengers… And she starts crying even more tears of joy (although it could seem she was frightened to death to an untrained eye)! So, now I'm like: she must know that guy who fragged my butt with a BFG and what if she's secretly contacting the Seal team as we speak? So, I decide to play along…
Me: (Mumbling) Fire in the hole!!
Chick: What?!?
Me: Er, nothing… (She didn't even flinch! She's more cunning than I thought!)
Me: You seem like a cool chick; wanna go out with me??
Chick: YOU RAVING LUNATIC!!! I'LL SUE THE ASYLUM THAT LETS OUT CRACKHEADS LIKE YOU BACK ON THE STREET!!! NO-NO-NO!
So, now I'm very surprised, I mean I can see her health is at 100HP and she's got that body armor on her chest (women call it differently for some reason, but most of the chicks I know are in fact guys, and I guess they just take those chick models because then they think they are harder to frag --- they're stupid, cause all bounding boxes are the same size), so that's gotta be at least a golden shard +50, so I'm like: that guy with the RL is gone now. You can relax… (I figure I should throw her off; like I don't know why she mentioned that word - "hostage.")
So, you wanna go to this nice Italian restaurant? (Nudge, nudge --- a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind bat --- ITALIAN)
I figure this should tip her off for sure.
Me: (Shouting) Fire in the hole!!!
Chick: What, what is that??
Next thing I know the train stops and she's running out the door like she's the last surviving hostage on cs_italy, and I'm like: "wait!!" but then she just laughs hysterically and flips a bird at me! Can you believe that? And what did I do? Crazy people make me sick!
Anyways, so I decided to get off on the next stop and continue to test my newfound skill…
*to be continued...if you want*
Anyways, so I knew I was the chosen one because of all the signs, and when that hyper blaster went off in the street and I didn't lose any health points I was sure this is the definitive proof of my theory. So, I go out again and like I'm waiting for another test… I take the subway, right, and I'm standing next to this chick, and she's staring at me… and then she quickly looks away. I mean, after she saw I was staring back. And I mean I'd do her. She's cute, but she seems like she wants something from me.
Chick: GULP. (Squirms uncomfortably in her seat.)
Me: Hi. (I smile.)
Chick: … (Looks away again.)
Me: HIIIII!!! (Now I'm sorta tensed.)
Chick: … (Staring again.)
Me: Hello!!!
Chick: Here take all of it! Just don't hurt me!!
So, now I figure she knows about my special skills, and I'm like:
No, I don't need any money or support. It's not like I'm that guy who chops off heads or anything… He just, you know, gave me a sign.
Chick: (Frightened. Whispers quietly.) Please, here! (Takes out and tightly squeezes a couple of ten pound notes -her hands are shaking.) For the love of all that's good and sacred, I have a family and they love me very much!
So, now I sympathize with her because like I had a family but they moved away and stuff… And I try to calm her down. I tell her:
Don't sweat it little lady. I'm just testing my skill, but shhh… keep quiet… Say, have you seen them walking around with Rocket Launchers? Is it gonna rain?
Chick: HUH?
Me: A__R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R! What do you want me to do? Spell it out for ya!?
Chick: Please, take the money….
Me: (Slightly cheesed off) I don't want the goddamn money, are you deaf?? A R_O_C_K_E_T L_A_U_N_C_H_E_R!! (Now I start wondering why she thinks I'm after her. She could have a chaingun stashed underneath that seat. I think it could fit.)
Chick: NO, NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY ROCKET LAUNCHERS, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GONNA RAIN OR NOT… I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST…. I'M A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!!
(Gardening consultant???)
And just as she was shouting and screamin', I hear it… sure enough… just like in Unreal Tournament. I hear the ominous clicking - somebody is loading up rockets…
I must admit I froze for a moment. And what the hell is a gardening consultant?? That threw me off for a second. I mean it's not like I do this every day… I mean not cover all the angles before I go into the subway… Hell, I've seen cheesed off people rocket-jump and stuff, so you gotta watch the roof as well. It's like usually they don't take off more than 20HP at the most… But this time it was different. I've left myself wide open…
Guess what happened next? That chick starts screaming: I'M NOT A METEAROLOGIST, I'M NOT!!!! I WORK AS A GARDENING CONSULTANT!!! (And that gardening consultant still psyched me out.) Anyway, I think all that stress got to her and she cracked…. So, I like strafe a bit and fire a few rounds with my Desert Eagle (I carry it around, cause I never have money to buy nothing else, and it's a relatively cost-efficient weapon). Ya know, just as some sort of suppressive fire…. And sure enough, I don't hear any rockets going off, and I'm like YEAH, MAN!!! HE REALIZED WHO I WAS and he figured all resistance is futile, because I've heard that on the tube the other day, and this very cool chick actually said those words, but then she just started saying "collective," "collective" and you see, I'm not into that kinky stuff. (Back then, when I watched that "all resistance is…" show in my hut, the TV screen wasn't facing the fish tank - I sometimes do that you see, because the fish like to watch the Simpsons, but I'm mean to fish and I never let them watch the Simpsons; instead, I just turn on whatever I wanna watch, but I don't watch it, I just torture the fish by forcing them to watch stuff they don't like.)
So, I turn to that chick again and I'm like… Hey, you seem like a nice girl… (I size her up and smile again.) Wanna go out with me? And then she starts crying tears of joy, cause I could see she was very happy and she starts saying stuff like: "GALE FORCE WINDS WILL PICK UP (HAHAHA), 50MPH, A COLD FROM COMING FROM THE NORTH (AHAHAHA, BO-OO)" And I'm like: "snap out of it, crazy woman!" S**t, if I only knew all gardening consultants were this crazy. And can someone please explain to me what gardening consultants actually do?
I gently tap her on the forehead with my Desert Eagle and she snaps out of it. And she's like:
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? WHAT IS A ROCKET LAUNCHER?? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY - I'M A GOAT AND I WANT LOVE?? ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD ME HOSTAGED HERE??
It's funny she should mention that, don't you think?
Me holding a .50 Desert Eagle and all. So, I just casually mention that I sometimes join the Avengers… And she starts crying even more tears of joy (although it could seem she was frightened to death to an untrained eye)! So, now I'm like: she must know that guy who fragged my butt with a BFG and what if she's secretly contacting the Seal team as we speak? So, I decide to play along…
Me: (Mumbling) Fire in the hole!!
Chick: What?!?
Me: Er, nothing… (She didn't even flinch! She's more cunning than I thought!)
Me: You seem like a cool chick; wanna go out with me??
Chick: YOU RAVING LUNATIC!!! I'LL SUE THE ASYLUM THAT LETS OUT CRACKHEADS LIKE YOU BACK ON THE STREET!!! NO-NO-NO!
So, now I'm very surprised, I mean I can see her health is at 100HP and she's got that body armor on her chest (women call it differently for some reason, but most of the chicks I know are in fact guys, and I guess they just take those chick models because then they think they are harder to frag --- they're stupid, cause all bounding boxes are the same size), so that's gotta be at least a golden shard +50, so I'm like: that guy with the RL is gone now. You can relax… (I figure I should throw her off; like I don't know why she mentioned that word - "hostage.")
So, you wanna go to this nice Italian restaurant? (Nudge, nudge --- a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind bat --- ITALIAN)
I figure this should tip her off for sure.
Me: (Shouting) Fire in the hole!!!
Chick: What, what is that??
Next thing I know the train stops and she's running out the door like she's the last surviving hostage on cs_italy, and I'm like: "wait!!" but then she just laughs hysterically and flips a bird at me! Can you believe that? And what did I do? Crazy people make me sick!
Anyways, so I decided to get off on the next stop and continue to test my newfound skill…
*to be continued...if you want*