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Ok, I posted this in chat yesterday, and it was immediately submerged under a million posts entitled 'so-and-so is gay'. I sincerely doubt anyone read it, so I thought I'd try again:
Optimism, schmoptimism. I've seen the future and it stinks.
The year is 2013. Half the world is a nuclear wasteland; the other half isn't nearly so nice. Rapid advances in genetic engineering mean that most people have two heads, one of which exists purely to ache, worry and have bad dreams. Global warming has left people with sunburn, exhaustion and wet feet. America has declared war on the moon, North Korea and independent coffee shops. Ah, yes, life in 2013 is nasty, brutish and far too long.
"But wait!", I hear you cry, "surely GAMES aren't affected by this worldwide malaise? Surely we can distract ourselves with all manner of digital delights?"
Oh ye of too much faith.
The boards of ukchatforums.com are still going strong, but an undercurrent of cynicism now rushes beneath its world weary posters. Special Reserve have given away £400 billion worth of games but, from his oaken throne, the chairman broods over how that money could have been better spent: the purchase of Wales; rescuing the dancing Pandas of Peru; the construction of a volcanic lair.
No matter, no matter, because Gameaday is to be discontinued. No prize has been claimed in the last eighteen months. Thousands of games, once pristine and hopeful, lie gathering dust in a shadowy warehouse.
Children, ungrateful wretches that they are, have tossed aside their joypads. Even the hardcore are booking into clinics and having their brainpad neural grafts removed. Young people are emerging from tower blocks and playing with 'footballs' and 'hula-hoops'. The sound of laughter threatens the air.
But why? Why?
Look:
Nintendo announce a new handheld, the Cubeboy. Gamers are ecstatic. Releases are slow and tepid. Super Mario Cube, Cube Wars, Yoshi's Cube Island, Tetcube, Kirby's Dream Cube, Legend of Cubing Zelda. Nintendo proclaim that they are unleashing their past genius on a new generation: the new generation curls its lip.
The Playstation 5 hits stores. Forty five billion trillion units are sold on the first day. A new Final Fantasy game is released: your character cannot die, and the game takes seven years of continuous play to complete. The Japanese economy collapses. Consumer goods once again become bulky and unreliable. In the West, Grand Theft Auto Nuked City is released. The driving bits are brilliant, the soundtrack sublime, you still can't walk down stairs properly. Frustrated gamers turn to books, and talking.
The XXL-Box is released by Microsoft. It measures 80ft in all directions, and contains a two-car garage and a kitchenette. A loud speaker barks instructions 24 hours a day. No games are released, but the XXL-Box is backwards compatible with Halo. Dismayed at the lack of market penetration Microsoft invades Japan. A blue screen of death pervades the Far East for years.
The cynics say that the end of the world is nigh. I say that it isn't nearly nigh enough.
Optimism, schmoptimism. I've seen the future and it stinks.
The year is 2013. Half the world is a nuclear wasteland; the other half isn't nearly so nice. Rapid advances in genetic engineering mean that most people have two heads, one of which exists purely to ache, worry and have bad dreams. Global warming has left people with sunburn, exhaustion and wet feet. America has declared war on the moon, North Korea and independent coffee shops. Ah, yes, life in 2013 is nasty, brutish and far too long.
"But wait!", I hear you cry, "surely GAMES aren't affected by this worldwide malaise? Surely we can distract ourselves with all manner of digital delights?"
Oh ye of too much faith.
The boards of ukchatforums.com are still going strong, but an undercurrent of cynicism now rushes beneath its world weary posters. Special Reserve have given away £400 billion worth of games but, from his oaken throne, the chairman broods over how that money could have been better spent: the purchase of Wales; rescuing the dancing Pandas of Peru; the construction of a volcanic lair.
No matter, no matter, because Gameaday is to be discontinued. No prize has been claimed in the last eighteen months. Thousands of games, once pristine and hopeful, lie gathering dust in a shadowy warehouse.
Children, ungrateful wretches that they are, have tossed aside their joypads. Even the hardcore are booking into clinics and having their brainpad neural grafts removed. Young people are emerging from tower blocks and playing with 'footballs' and 'hula-hoops'. The sound of laughter threatens the air.
But why? Why?
Look:
Nintendo announce a new handheld, the Cubeboy. Gamers are ecstatic. Releases are slow and tepid. Super Mario Cube, Cube Wars, Yoshi's Cube Island, Tetcube, Kirby's Dream Cube, Legend of Cubing Zelda. Nintendo proclaim that they are unleashing their past genius on a new generation: the new generation curls its lip.
The Playstation 5 hits stores. Forty five billion trillion units are sold on the first day. A new Final Fantasy game is released: your character cannot die, and the game takes seven years of continuous play to complete. The Japanese economy collapses. Consumer goods once again become bulky and unreliable. In the West, Grand Theft Auto Nuked City is released. The driving bits are brilliant, the soundtrack sublime, you still can't walk down stairs properly. Frustrated gamers turn to books, and talking.
The XXL-Box is released by Microsoft. It measures 80ft in all directions, and contains a two-car garage and a kitchenette. A loud speaker barks instructions 24 hours a day. No games are released, but the XXL-Box is backwards compatible with Halo. Dismayed at the lack of market penetration Microsoft invades Japan. A blue screen of death pervades the Far East for years.
The cynics say that the end of the world is nigh. I say that it isn't nearly nigh enough.
El Blokey wrote:
> Why not post a link to it in here?
Because it involves people copying it and it takes liek 3 seconds.
> Why not post a link to it in here?
Because it involves people copying it and it takes liek 3 seconds.
Heh, funny :-)
Um, I dunno. That's a very good point.
Why not post a link to it in here?
Ok, I posted this in chat yesterday, and it was immediately submerged under a million posts entitled 'so-and-so is gay'. I sincerely doubt anyone read it, so I thought I'd try again:
Optimism, schmoptimism. I've seen the future and it stinks.
The year is 2013. Half the world is a nuclear wasteland; the other half isn't nearly so nice. Rapid advances in genetic engineering mean that most people have two heads, one of which exists purely to ache, worry and have bad dreams. Global warming has left people with sunburn, exhaustion and wet feet. America has declared war on the moon, North Korea and independent coffee shops. Ah, yes, life in 2013 is nasty, brutish and far too long.
"But wait!", I hear you cry, "surely GAMES aren't affected by this worldwide malaise? Surely we can distract ourselves with all manner of digital delights?"
Oh ye of too much faith.
The boards of ukchatforums.com are still going strong, but an undercurrent of cynicism now rushes beneath its world weary posters. Special Reserve have given away £400 billion worth of games but, from his oaken throne, the chairman broods over how that money could have been better spent: the purchase of Wales; rescuing the dancing Pandas of Peru; the construction of a volcanic lair.
No matter, no matter, because Gameaday is to be discontinued. No prize has been claimed in the last eighteen months. Thousands of games, once pristine and hopeful, lie gathering dust in a shadowy warehouse.
Children, ungrateful wretches that they are, have tossed aside their joypads. Even the hardcore are booking into clinics and having their brainpad neural grafts removed. Young people are emerging from tower blocks and playing with 'footballs' and 'hula-hoops'. The sound of laughter threatens the air.
But why? Why?
Look:
Nintendo announce a new handheld, the Cubeboy. Gamers are ecstatic. Releases are slow and tepid. Super Mario Cube, Cube Wars, Yoshi's Cube Island, Tetcube, Kirby's Dream Cube, Legend of Cubing Zelda. Nintendo proclaim that they are unleashing their past genius on a new generation: the new generation curls its lip.
The Playstation 5 hits stores. Forty five billion trillion units are sold on the first day. A new Final Fantasy game is released: your character cannot die, and the game takes seven years of continuous play to complete. The Japanese economy collapses. Consumer goods once again become bulky and unreliable. In the West, Grand Theft Auto Nuked City is released. The driving bits are brilliant, the soundtrack sublime, you still can't walk down stairs properly. Frustrated gamers turn to books, and talking.
The XXL-Box is released by Microsoft. It measures 80ft in all directions, and contains a two-car garage and a kitchenette. A loud speaker barks instructions 24 hours a day. No games are released, but the XXL-Box is backwards compatible with Halo. Dismayed at the lack of market penetration Microsoft invades Japan. A blue screen of death pervades the Far East for years.
The cynics say that the end of the world is nigh. I say that it isn't nearly nigh enough.
Optimism, schmoptimism. I've seen the future and it stinks.
The year is 2013. Half the world is a nuclear wasteland; the other half isn't nearly so nice. Rapid advances in genetic engineering mean that most people have two heads, one of which exists purely to ache, worry and have bad dreams. Global warming has left people with sunburn, exhaustion and wet feet. America has declared war on the moon, North Korea and independent coffee shops. Ah, yes, life in 2013 is nasty, brutish and far too long.
"But wait!", I hear you cry, "surely GAMES aren't affected by this worldwide malaise? Surely we can distract ourselves with all manner of digital delights?"
Oh ye of too much faith.
The boards of ukchatforums.com are still going strong, but an undercurrent of cynicism now rushes beneath its world weary posters. Special Reserve have given away £400 billion worth of games but, from his oaken throne, the chairman broods over how that money could have been better spent: the purchase of Wales; rescuing the dancing Pandas of Peru; the construction of a volcanic lair.
No matter, no matter, because Gameaday is to be discontinued. No prize has been claimed in the last eighteen months. Thousands of games, once pristine and hopeful, lie gathering dust in a shadowy warehouse.
Children, ungrateful wretches that they are, have tossed aside their joypads. Even the hardcore are booking into clinics and having their brainpad neural grafts removed. Young people are emerging from tower blocks and playing with 'footballs' and 'hula-hoops'. The sound of laughter threatens the air.
But why? Why?
Look:
Nintendo announce a new handheld, the Cubeboy. Gamers are ecstatic. Releases are slow and tepid. Super Mario Cube, Cube Wars, Yoshi's Cube Island, Tetcube, Kirby's Dream Cube, Legend of Cubing Zelda. Nintendo proclaim that they are unleashing their past genius on a new generation: the new generation curls its lip.
The Playstation 5 hits stores. Forty five billion trillion units are sold on the first day. A new Final Fantasy game is released: your character cannot die, and the game takes seven years of continuous play to complete. The Japanese economy collapses. Consumer goods once again become bulky and unreliable. In the West, Grand Theft Auto Nuked City is released. The driving bits are brilliant, the soundtrack sublime, you still can't walk down stairs properly. Frustrated gamers turn to books, and talking.
The XXL-Box is released by Microsoft. It measures 80ft in all directions, and contains a two-car garage and a kitchenette. A loud speaker barks instructions 24 hours a day. No games are released, but the XXL-Box is backwards compatible with Halo. Dismayed at the lack of market penetration Microsoft invades Japan. A blue screen of death pervades the Far East for years.
The cynics say that the end of the world is nigh. I say that it isn't nearly nigh enough.