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I got sent this at work and I thought I'd share it with you guys. Enjoy.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15 (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he >bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15 (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he >bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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param wrote:
> The sagacious one wrote:
> "A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
> car
> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
> woman
> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead."
>
> Typical!
>
> hello unbeliever already put that joke on the beginning thing so keep
> up with the times man
You ignoramus, I was quoting it from the original text. Hence the quotation marks, which indicate the the text enclosed by these punctuation marks, is being quoted.
Keep up.
> The sagacious one wrote:
> "A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
> car
> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
> woman
> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead."
>
> Typical!
>
> hello unbeliever already put that joke on the beginning thing so keep
> up with the times man
You ignoramus, I was quoting it from the original text. Hence the quotation marks, which indicate the the text enclosed by these punctuation marks, is being quoted.
Keep up.
Enemy of the state wrote:
> I wasn't refering to you Unbeliever, by all means spread the funny.
>
> I was talking about a certain person who quoted the whole of your
> original post twice.
> Sorry about the confusion
I think mr enemy was refering to mr param and those who would reply quoting the whole of a post such as the topic posted by Unbeliever.
next time young padawan (enemy of the state) clearer must you be in your comments.
(hmm tried to go yoda with the last bit, but it went wrong)
> I wasn't refering to you Unbeliever, by all means spread the funny.
>
> I was talking about a certain person who quoted the whole of your
> original post twice.
> Sorry about the confusion
I think mr enemy was refering to mr param and those who would reply quoting the whole of a post such as the topic posted by Unbeliever.
next time young padawan (enemy of the state) clearer must you be in your comments.
(hmm tried to go yoda with the last bit, but it went wrong)
This kid should be shot.
Funny, well done unbeliever.
Was there any point in quitong the whole original messange param? No.
I wasn't refering to you Unbeliever, by all means spread the funny.
I was talking about a certain person who quoted the whole of your original post twice.
Sorry about the confusion
I was talking about a certain person who quoted the whole of your original post twice.
Sorry about the confusion
Enemy of the state wrote:
> the cynical among us might say that was an attempt at getting your
> word count up.
>
> But hey, I'm not saying anything as I am not a cynical kind of
> person
> :)
Not true, just trying to spread the laughter. I've posted another as well. If no-one wants any more of these just tell me and I'll stop them. I'm not concerned about my word count or winning a GAD.
> the cynical among us might say that was an attempt at getting your
> word count up.
>
> But hey, I'm not saying anything as I am not a cynical kind of
> person
> :)
Not true, just trying to spread the laughter. I've posted another as well. If no-one wants any more of these just tell me and I'll stop them. I'm not concerned about my word count or winning a GAD.
the cynical among us might say that was an attempt at getting your word count up.
But hey, I'm not saying anything as I am not a cynical kind of person
:)
But hey, I'm not saying anything as I am not a cynical kind of person
:)
The sagacious one wrote:
> "A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead."
>
> Typical!
hello unbeliever already put that joke on the beginning thing so keep up with the times man
> "A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead."
>
> Typical!
hello unbeliever already put that joke on the beginning thing so keep up with the times man
I had nothing to do with the Ypsilanti story, honest Guv.
Its usually the stoopid criminals that do this stuff (stating the obvious)
its the supposedly clever crims that make the funnier foul ups (or have I been watching too much Diagnosis Murder)
Its usually the stoopid criminals that do this stuff (stating the obvious)
its the supposedly clever crims that make the funnier foul ups (or have I been watching too much Diagnosis Murder)
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