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This thread has been linked to the game 'Resident Evil'.
Reservident Evil
*Deep in Basildon forest, a special forces team known as the G*A*D*S (Good At Destroying Stuff) are investigating the recent disappearances of several local people*
Chips Redfield: I don’t see why we have to investigate in the middle of the night, in some creepy woods at the same time the world cup final is been played!
Jill-42: Boys will be boys, eh. Anyway, there are several Basildanians missing!
Barry Foreman: Basildanians? What the…?
Jill-42: That’s what you call people from Basildon
Wesker Froots: No it isn’t, they’re called Basildonites
*The group continue to argue about the name of people from Basildon until they are interrupted by a gunshot*
Chips Redfield: What was that?
Jill-42: I don’t know! Lets investigate…
Barry Foreman: Screw that, I don’t want to get killed
Chips Redfield: But it is our job…Remember…
Barry Foreman: Fine, but if we die I am SO going to be annoyed with you!
*The G*A*D*S wander around in the dark, spooky woods until they see something which startles them, almost*
Jill-42: Awww it’s a little puppy
Wesker Froots: Awwww, Kill it!
Jill-42: Shut up Froots, and why are you wearing sunglasses?
Wesker Froots: They keep my eyes warm
Jill-42: Oh….I see….
*Meanwhile the not-so-innocent puppy turns on Chips Redfield*
Chips Redfield: Argh! Get him off me, its biting, argh!!!!
Barry Foreman: Its only a puppy!
Wesker Froots: *giggles*
Chips Redfield: You are SO going to be the first to get killed in this spoof Froots!
Wesker Froots: No I’m not, look, I’m still here!
Chips Redfield: *Signals the stage director to do something*
Wesker Froots: Hey, what? What was that? Oi!
*A large anvil with ‘ACME’ on the side falls on top of Froots, killing him*
Chips Redfield: Told you so
Jill-42: He was in for it anyway
Barry Foreman: Where did the puppy go?
*The group look around*
Jill-42: Oh my God! Look!
*Tony runs past in a Santa costume*
Barry Foreman: Yikes!
Jill-42: No, over there!
*A group of puppies are advancing upon the G*A*D*S squad*
Chips Redfield: Leg it!
Jill-42: Agreed!
*The group sprint for their lives through foliage and branches until Chips comically falls over a root*
Jill-42: Chips! No!
Chips Redfield: Forget about me Jill, go on without me
Jill-42: Ok then
*Jill starts to run in the other direction*
Chips Redfield: I was trying to be dramatic! Help!
*Jill helps Chips free his leg and they continue running until they reach a creepy looking hotel looking strangely familiar to the one in The Shining. The group enter and slam the door behind them and look at their surroundings*
Barry Foreman: Wow, this place is big!
Chips Redfield: You can say that again!
Barry Foreman: Wow, this place is big!
Chips Redfield: I didn’t mean… Ah never mind!
*The group cautiously look around the hotel for a sign of the missing locals*
Chips Redfield: Ewww, what is that smell?
Jill-42: Oh, sorry. I didn’t think anyone would smell it
Chips Redfield: So ladylike eh!
Jill-42: Of course, want an arm wrestle?
Chips Redfield: I’ll pass, thanks.
Barry Foreman: I hate to interrupt you two lovebirds but we have a job to do.
Chips Redfield: Yeah, you’re right let’s investigate
*The G*A*D*S arm themselves and tread around the hotel looking for clues*
Jill-42: Hmmm, room 13. Feeling superstitious?
Chips Redfield: No, what are the chances of something happening in room 13? I mean that’s totally…
*A zombie breaks through the door and begins to throttle Chips*
Chips Redfield: AJ? Is that you?
Zombie AJ: No, hey shut up and follow the script!
Chips Redfield: Oops! Ah, no, a monster!
Jill-42: See, I told you but oh no!
Chips Redfield: A little help please?
*Jill-42 cuts zombie AJ’s arms off and puts a hand grenade in his mouth before running like a grandma on pension day*
Chips Redfield: Shouldn’t it explode?
Jill-42: Give it a chance
Barry Foreman: It isn’t one of those import grenades from Sweden was it?
Jill-42: Well, actually…
Barry Foreman: Stupid woman! You know they don’t work!
*Zombie AJ stumbles around the corner with the grenade still in his mouth*
Barry Foreman: Shoot him!
*Jill and Chips fire at AJ until his head in separated from his body*
Barry Foreman: Ewww, you got zombie juice on me!
Jill-42: Don’t you mean zombie blood?
Barry Foreman: No, zombie juice. Its Robinsons fruit and fibre, I hate the stuff!
Jill-42: Jees, I’m sorry!
*The G*A*D*S travel further into the dark and gloomy hotel looking for any sign of the missing Basildon residents*
Barry Foreman: Hey, look! A thong!
Chips Redfield: Oooh
Barry Foreman: It could belong to one of the residents that went missing
Chips Redfield: I sure want to meet her!
Jill-42: Perverts! Thongs are for hussies. I wear bloomers.
Chips Redfield: You mean those big pants, down to your knees?
Jill-42: Yeah, wanna see?
Chips Redfield: Urgh, no thanks.
Jill-42: Your loss!
Chips Redfield: Sure thing
Barry Foreman: Oh my God! Guys, come over here!
*Chips and Jill follow Barry’s call to find him standing in an old service elevator*
Barry Foreman: Look what I found!
Chips Redfield: Woah, good stuff.
Barry Foreman: It can’t hold us all at the same time though; I’ll use it first if that’s ok?
Chips Redfield: So Jill will be going down with me? I mean, Ill be going down with Jill? I mean, Jill and I will be going down together…
Barry Foreman: Yeah, something like that… See you at the bottom.
*After an agonising wait, Chips and Jill get in the lift together and jerkily are taken to the bottom floor where Barry Foreman is waiting*
Barry Foreman: Enjoy the ride down the shaft, eh Jill? The lift shaft I mean, eh, eh.
Jill-42: Shut up you gimp.
*The argument is interrupted by a loud clatter in the room*
Jill-42: Well, s’pose we should investigate
Barry Foreman: Yeah, hmmm, fair enough
Chips Redfield: Do we have to? I’m Hungry!
Jill-42: Yes, Yes we do, now follow me.
*The G*A*D*S follow Jill’s lead, unwittingly trekking deeper into the hotels evil heart*
Barry Foreman: Err Jill, where are we?
Jill-42: Do you want the truth or the answer to appease you?
Barry Foreman: Options, options. The truth!
Jill-42: I’m lost, hopelessly lost.
Barry Foreman: Women, eh!
Chips Redfield: Back off man!
Barry Foreman: What are you? A girl?
Chips Redfield: Well…
Barry Foreman: Pre Op or Post Op?
Chips Redfield: Post…
Barry Foreman: Phew.
Jill-42: Erm guys, can we try and find where we are? Please?
Barry Foreman: Try looking at that map that is Oh-so-obviously hidden in that statute
Jill-42: But its too high, I can’t reach it!
Barry Foreman: You see that chest of drawers?
Jill-42: Yeah
Barry Foreman: Well Capcom didn’t put them there for no bloody reason!
Jill-42: b-b-b but, don’t be so mean!
Barry Foreman: What? What did I say?
Chips Redfield: It wasn’t what you said, it was the way you said it!
*Knock knock knock*
Barry Foreman: Erm, who could that be?
Chips Redfield: Don’t ask me!
Jill-42: Come in….
Pizza Guy: Hey, here your piping hot Domino’s pizza and 1 litre bottle of tango orange
Chips Redfield: We didn’t order a pizza though…
Pizza Guy: I drove for 3 hours, through creepy woods carrying this pizza, at least take it!
*Jill takes the pizza*
Pizza Guy: That’s £30 please
Chips Redfield: But we didn’t…
Pizza Guy: That’s £30 please…
*Chips forks out the money and the pizza guy leaves*
Chips Redfield: Anyone want a slice?
Barry Foreman: No, I used to work for Domino’s, I know what they do to the pizzas!
Jill-42: Urgh, no thanks then!
*Knock Knock Knock*
Jill-42: Oi, Pizza guy… We told you to…
*American zombie lurches through the door with an ‘I Love NY’ T-shirt and a Yankee’s baseball cap*
Jill-42: Argh!
Zombie Drunk Cow: Pizzzaaaaa, Neeeeed Pizzzaaaa
Barry Foreman: And you wondered why half of America is obsese…
Chips Redfield: Heh, yeah
Jill-42: Do something Chips!
Chips Redfield: Hey yeah! I paid £30 for that pizza! Get your own!
*Chips shoots Zombie Drunk Cow in the head and attacks him with the pizza cutter*
Chips Redfield: Job well done?
Jill-42: Damn right!
Barry Foreman: Lets explore some more, we might find stuff
*At this point the writer became too involved in the zombie plot to follow up the mysterious disappearances, just like the writers of Resident Evil did*
Barry Foreman: Which door shall we go through?
Jill-42: I recon door 1
Chips Redfield: I say door 2
Barry Foreman: Hmmm…
*Cilla Black runs onto the set*
Cilla: Here’s our Graham to give you a rundown of what’s behind each door
Our Graham: Behind door number 1 is a hunky blonde zombie who’s lusts include blood and human entrails! Behind door number 2 is a tall, dark and handsome Brummie who enjoys biting necks and grunting, and behind door 3 this evening is Asher D in a sailor costume, dancing. The choice, is yours.
Cilla: It’s make your mind up time chuck
Barry Foreman: Erm, Door 3 sounds too risky and door 1 sounds too scary, I’ll take door 2 Cilla.
Cilla: Ok Foreman, meet your blind date of the night, zombie 2
*Romantic music plays*
Barry Foreman: Er, hi.
Zombie#2: Blood, brains, murghhhh
Barry Foreman: You sound like my Grandma
Zombie#2: Hey! Take that back
Barry Foreman: Your momma is sooooo fat, when she sits down she needs planning permission.
Zombie#2: Hey, stop it, I only want your blood!
Barry Foreman: Your momma is soooo poor, she does drive by shootings on the bus!
Zombie#2: Stop it!
Barry Foreman: Your momma wasn’t saying that last night!
Zombie#2: Argh!
*Zombie#2 runs away crying*
Barry Foreman: And that my friends, is the art of negotiation.
Jill-42: Well done!
Barry Foreman: Thank you, thank you, now lets go!
*The group run down the dark corridor S.A.S style*
Barry Foreman: Well, we are in a kitchen, I think
Chips Redfield: Well duh…
Barry Foreman: Shut up, We need to find some zombies and shoot ‘em!
Jill-42: Lads. Eh! What are you like
Barry Foreman: Testosterone driven loving machines!
Jill-42: Ewww
Chips Redfield: He’s not lying
Jill-42: Anyway, are we going to get some zombies?
Barry Foreman: Damn right we are
Chips Redfield: Hey, is that a door hidden in the wall?
Barry Foreman: By golly is sure is, that was well hidden Capcom, good one!
*Jill pushes door open and walks down secret corridor, the others follow her*
Jill-42: Well, I think have found something we aren’t meant to have done
Chips Redfield: Evidently, I wonder what is through here?
*Chips pushes another door open and walks through into a laboratory*
Barry Foreman: Oh great, science! That’s all we need
Jill-42: But guys, science can be fun!
*The group fall about laughing*
Rapid Scientist: Hey, what are you guys laughing at?
Barry Foreman: Sorry, nothing. Hey who are you?
Rapid Scientist: I’m one of the scientists that used to work in this secret lab. There were only two survivors.
Barry Foreman: Who else?
Paranoid Scientist: Me
Barry Foreman: Oh, what happened here?
Rapid Scientist: Well I don’t know I was on the toilet when it all happened. Something with flashing lights and a loud noise
Barry Foreman: Oh, sounds fun
Paranoid Scientist: Are you kidding? It was horrible!
Barry Foreman: Oh sorry
Paranoid Scientist: Anyway, we need to find a way out, before it gets us….
Barry Foreman: Before what gets us?
Paranoid Scientist: Lisa Treynolds – she is a genetic experiment gone wrong.
Barry Foreman: Oh, what does she look like?
Paranoid Scientist: She has 3 eyes, is slimy and has huge muscles due to overgrowth. She is faceless due to too many injections and screams manically all the time
Barry Foreman: Sounds hot.
Lisa Treynolds: Arghhhhh
Barry Foreman: Is that her?
Paranoid Scientist: Yes, we must flee!
Jill-42: Can’t we fight her?
Rapid Scientist: We’ve tried, she is too strong!
Jill-42: Yeah but you’re all weedy, and we have guns!
Rapid Scientist: Well if you insist!
Chips Redfield: Oh I do, I do!
Jill-42: Its killin’ time!
Paranoid Scientist: Hey, don’t you guys think this scenario is a little bit like that film?
Jill-42: Which one?
Paranoid Scientist: You know, American Pie
Jill-42: Um, no. Not really
Chips Redfield: Cut the chitchat and lets start the shooting
Lisa Treynolds: Arghhhhhhhhhh
Chips Redfield: She’s getting closer, are you all ready?
Jill-42: Yep
Barry Foreman: Damn right I am
Paranoid Scientist: Yeah
Rapid Scientist: No
*Chips Redfield shoots rapid scientist*
Paranoid Scientist: What was that for?
Chips Redfield: It was an accident
Paranoid Scientist: No, really?
Chips Redfield: Well, he would have gotten in the way and cramped my style.
Paranoid Scientist: Fair enough
Lisa Treynolds: Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jill-42: There she is!
Barry Foreman: Get her!
*Jill and Barry unload round upon round of bullets on Lisa Treynolds*
Barry Foreman: Why isn’t she dying?
Chips Redfield: Watch this
* Chips Redfield starts doing a crazy Irish dance which baffles Lisa Treynolds*
Jill-42: Chips…. have you been drinking?
Chips Redfield: No, watch!
*Lisa Treynolds gets so confused and irritated at the Michael Flattley antics that she jumps into a pit of acid to end the misery and torment*
Barry Foreman: Go Chips!
*Chips carries on dancing*
Barry Foreman: Dude, you can stop now
Chips Redfield: No I can’t, my legs won’t stop moving!
Barry Foreman: Ah damn
Chips Redfield: Help! I can’t dance forever!
Jill-42: Heh! You look like such a fag!
Barry Foreman: Shut up Jill, we have to help him!
*Barry rushes out of the door and returns with a fire extinguisher*
Jill-42: What’s that for?
Barry Foreman: Watch!
*Barry slams the fire extinguisher into Chips’ legs again and again until he falls limply to the floor*
Jill-42: I think you broke his legs
Barry Foreman: Yeah, but he isn’t dancing any more, is he!
Chips Redfield: Ahhh Jesus, I can’t move
Paranoid Scientist: Well, at least we got rid of Lisa Treynolds. But there’s something else…
Barry Foreman: What? What else is there?
Paranoid Scientist: It is a genetic experiment gone… wrong
Barry Foreman: Like Jordan?
Paranoid Scientist: No, not nearly as supple and curvaceous as Jordan
Barry Foreman: Damn!
Paranoid Scientist: It is called, The Tphirant, a killing machine bred by our scientists down here
Barry Foreman: And where is he?
Paranoid Scientist: That’s the thing, we don’t know. There was a power cut and all of the door locking mechanisms were released.
Barry Foreman: damn
Paranoid Scientist: Exactly.
Barry Foreman: We need to get the Tphirant before he escapes the hotel and gets to the surface… He could unleash hell on Basildon!
Jill-42: Oh no! Not Basildon!
Chips Redfield: Ahh my legs!
Jill-42: Quiet, you!
Chips Redfield: Eek!
Paranoid Scientist: I have an inkling that Tphirant will have headed for, the library.
Barry Foreman: Why the library?
Paranoid Scientist: Does everything have to make sense? Just follow me!
*The group dash to the library, except Chips who crawls behind*
Jill-42: Where’s Chips?
Chips Redfield: I’m here….ouch
Jill-42: Yikes, was that your leg that just cracked?
Chips Redfield: No, I don’t know what it was!
Paranoid Scientist: Oh my lord, there he is
Barry Foreman: Who?
Paranoid Scientist: The Tphirant!
The Tphirant: Jai mange le chat
Barry Foreman: He’s French?
The Tphirant: Oui, Jai mappel Le Tphirant, et tu?
Barry Foreman: Why is he French?
Paranoid Scientist: It was cheaper, and Windows 98 kept crashing when we tried to make him English.
Barry Foreman: Ahhh, I get it
The Tphirant: Bonjoure!!
Barry Foreman: Ahhh get away Frenchie!
Jill-42: Eat lead, frog man!
The Tphirant: non!!!!
*Jill shoots at Tphirant with an assault shotgun, only to see the bullets bouncing off him*
The Tphirant: Muhahahaha
Paranoid Scientist: You have to sever his nerve valves in his spinal conjunction
Barry Foreman: In English….?
Paranoid Scientist: Cut his bloody head off!
Jill-42: Leave this to me…
Chips Redfield: Jill, be careful…
Jill-42: Every dog has her day!
*Jill sprints at Tphirant with a dagger in one hand and a handgun in the other*
Jill-42: ‘Ave it!
The Tphirant: *Gulp*
* Jill dives at Tphirant and jams the blade right into his neck making him scream like the pathetic frog he is. In one last movement the Tphirant grabs Jill by the throat and tears her head backwards, snapping her fragile neck*
Chips Redfield: Jill, no!!!!
Barry Foreman: Heroics don’t work in these situations!
*Chips runs over to Jill’s corpse and begins to weep*
Barry Foreman: I thought you couldn’t walk
Chips Redfield: Erm well…you see
Paranoid Scientist: Guys, we have to keep moving and get out of here
Barry Foreman: Sure, lets go
*The 2 follow Paranoid Scientist through a series of chambers until they reach a small hidden runway*
Paranoid Scientist: Wait here a second, I’ll go and get the plane, this way we can escape this evil place
Chips Redfield: Phew, finally
*Barry and Chips wait for what seems like hours, and decide to see where Paranoid Scientist has gone. They enter the hanger where he went to get a plane but find his body impaled on the propellers of a small jet*
Barry Foreman: Euch, poor guy!
Chips Redfield: You can say that again
Barry Foreman: Euch, poor gu….
Chips Redfield: Ah shut up, we need to find a way to get out of here, and fast!
*Chips and Barry get into the cockpit and start the plane down the runway*
Chips Redfield: The plane is too heavy, we can’t take off!
Barry Foreman: We need to be lighter you mean?
Chips Redfield: Exactly…
Barry Foreman: Hey, don’t look at me like that! We could throw the sound guy out of the back, or one of those immigrants in to luggage compartment?
Chips Redfield: Sorry but…
*Chips pushes Barry Foreman backwards out of the plane and watches him fall onto the runway*
Barry Foreman: Ow!
Chips Redfield: Sorry, but I just don’t like you!
*Chips takes off in the plane and sets off over Basildon Forest with ‘We are the Champions’ playing at full blast*
Barry Foreman: Oh crap, I’m in for it now
Zombie Azul: urhhhhhhhhhh
Barry Foreman: Argh! Get away! I’m a crazy white man with a gun!
Zombie Azul: Yeah well I’m a zombie with blood lust!
Barry Foreman: Don’t make me…
*Barry pull the trigger and the gun barrel clicks, he pull the trigger again and again only to discover the barrel is empty*
Zombie Azul: Fool!
*Zombie Azul lurches at Barry’s throat and tears a huge chunk of flesh from it, he wolf it down before draining the blood from Barry’s twitching body*
Zombie Azul: Ahhh Bisto!
*Meanwhile in the plane Chips is landing at Basildon International Airport*
Chips Redfield: Now I can sell my story to The Daily Mirror and make a fortune!
Air Traffic Control: What?
Chips Redfield: Oh hey, I’m about to land, is that ok?
Air Traffic Control: Sure, bring her down on runway 3
Chips Redfield: Ok mister
Air Traffic Control: See you down there sir
*Chips brings the plane down on the runway and brings it to a halt, He gets out expecting a hero’s welcome but instead faces the FBI*
FBI officer#1: Chips Redfield, you are under arrest for the murder of Jill-42 Valentine, Barry Foreman, Paranoid Scientist, Rapid Scientist and a Pizza Boy, you do not have to say anything but anything you do say may be given in evidence
Chips Redfield: What the…
FBI officer#1: Advance on him men
Chips Redfield: Hey, quit it. If this is a joke then it not funny…
*Chips is shot with a tranquilliser dart and falls to the ground*
:: A few days later, New Bedlam Asylum for the criminally insane::
Nurse: Mr Redfield, Mr Redfield?
Chips Redfield: Yeah? Who? Where am I?
Nurse: Its ok Mr Redfield, you are safe now.
Chips Redfield: What happened to me?
Nurse: Shhh Mr Redfield, you need your rest.
*The nurse switches on a small television beside the bed that Chips is strapped into. The local news begins*
Nurse: I’ll be back in a while with your food Mr Redfield, you stay here and relax.
Chips Redfield: Sure, ok…
*Chips stares at the television and is shocked by what he sees*
News presenter: I am here at the scene of the recent ‘Redfield Murders’ where the clinically insane Chips Redfield is believed to have killed several Basildon residents and then one by one killed several G*A*D*S special forces members. He is now been held in a psychiatric unit until he is charged and executed.
Chips Redfield: Oh my God! Nurse, nurse!
*The nurse stumbles around the corner clutching her wounded throat*
Nurse: You have to get out of here, they’re everywhere!
Chips Redfield: Who? Who is everywhere?
*The nurse collapses to the floor and a zombie in a white lab coat advances through the door towards Chips*
[The End]
Thank you to my cast:
Chris Redfield: Chips Redfield
Jill Valentine: Jill-42
Barry: Barry Foreman
Wesker: Wesker Froots
Scientist 1: Paranoid Scientist
Scientist 2: Rapid Scientist
Lisa Trevor (Mutant): Lisa Treynolds
Tyrant: The ‘Tphirant’
Zombies: Azul AfroJoe and Drunk Cow
: : :
Thankyou for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.
-kyz22-
*Deep in Basildon forest, a special forces team known as the G*A*D*S (Good At Destroying Stuff) are investigating the recent disappearances of several local people*
Chips Redfield: I don’t see why we have to investigate in the middle of the night, in some creepy woods at the same time the world cup final is been played!
Jill-42: Boys will be boys, eh. Anyway, there are several Basildanians missing!
Barry Foreman: Basildanians? What the…?
Jill-42: That’s what you call people from Basildon
Wesker Froots: No it isn’t, they’re called Basildonites
*The group continue to argue about the name of people from Basildon until they are interrupted by a gunshot*
Chips Redfield: What was that?
Jill-42: I don’t know! Lets investigate…
Barry Foreman: Screw that, I don’t want to get killed
Chips Redfield: But it is our job…Remember…
Barry Foreman: Fine, but if we die I am SO going to be annoyed with you!
*The G*A*D*S wander around in the dark, spooky woods until they see something which startles them, almost*
Jill-42: Awww it’s a little puppy
Wesker Froots: Awwww, Kill it!
Jill-42: Shut up Froots, and why are you wearing sunglasses?
Wesker Froots: They keep my eyes warm
Jill-42: Oh….I see….
*Meanwhile the not-so-innocent puppy turns on Chips Redfield*
Chips Redfield: Argh! Get him off me, its biting, argh!!!!
Barry Foreman: Its only a puppy!
Wesker Froots: *giggles*
Chips Redfield: You are SO going to be the first to get killed in this spoof Froots!
Wesker Froots: No I’m not, look, I’m still here!
Chips Redfield: *Signals the stage director to do something*
Wesker Froots: Hey, what? What was that? Oi!
*A large anvil with ‘ACME’ on the side falls on top of Froots, killing him*
Chips Redfield: Told you so
Jill-42: He was in for it anyway
Barry Foreman: Where did the puppy go?
*The group look around*
Jill-42: Oh my God! Look!
*Tony runs past in a Santa costume*
Barry Foreman: Yikes!
Jill-42: No, over there!
*A group of puppies are advancing upon the G*A*D*S squad*
Chips Redfield: Leg it!
Jill-42: Agreed!
*The group sprint for their lives through foliage and branches until Chips comically falls over a root*
Jill-42: Chips! No!
Chips Redfield: Forget about me Jill, go on without me
Jill-42: Ok then
*Jill starts to run in the other direction*
Chips Redfield: I was trying to be dramatic! Help!
*Jill helps Chips free his leg and they continue running until they reach a creepy looking hotel looking strangely familiar to the one in The Shining. The group enter and slam the door behind them and look at their surroundings*
Barry Foreman: Wow, this place is big!
Chips Redfield: You can say that again!
Barry Foreman: Wow, this place is big!
Chips Redfield: I didn’t mean… Ah never mind!
*The group cautiously look around the hotel for a sign of the missing locals*
Chips Redfield: Ewww, what is that smell?
Jill-42: Oh, sorry. I didn’t think anyone would smell it
Chips Redfield: So ladylike eh!
Jill-42: Of course, want an arm wrestle?
Chips Redfield: I’ll pass, thanks.
Barry Foreman: I hate to interrupt you two lovebirds but we have a job to do.
Chips Redfield: Yeah, you’re right let’s investigate
*The G*A*D*S arm themselves and tread around the hotel looking for clues*
Jill-42: Hmmm, room 13. Feeling superstitious?
Chips Redfield: No, what are the chances of something happening in room 13? I mean that’s totally…
*A zombie breaks through the door and begins to throttle Chips*
Chips Redfield: AJ? Is that you?
Zombie AJ: No, hey shut up and follow the script!
Chips Redfield: Oops! Ah, no, a monster!
Jill-42: See, I told you but oh no!
Chips Redfield: A little help please?
*Jill-42 cuts zombie AJ’s arms off and puts a hand grenade in his mouth before running like a grandma on pension day*
Chips Redfield: Shouldn’t it explode?
Jill-42: Give it a chance
Barry Foreman: It isn’t one of those import grenades from Sweden was it?
Jill-42: Well, actually…
Barry Foreman: Stupid woman! You know they don’t work!
*Zombie AJ stumbles around the corner with the grenade still in his mouth*
Barry Foreman: Shoot him!
*Jill and Chips fire at AJ until his head in separated from his body*
Barry Foreman: Ewww, you got zombie juice on me!
Jill-42: Don’t you mean zombie blood?
Barry Foreman: No, zombie juice. Its Robinsons fruit and fibre, I hate the stuff!
Jill-42: Jees, I’m sorry!
*The G*A*D*S travel further into the dark and gloomy hotel looking for any sign of the missing Basildon residents*
Barry Foreman: Hey, look! A thong!
Chips Redfield: Oooh
Barry Foreman: It could belong to one of the residents that went missing
Chips Redfield: I sure want to meet her!
Jill-42: Perverts! Thongs are for hussies. I wear bloomers.
Chips Redfield: You mean those big pants, down to your knees?
Jill-42: Yeah, wanna see?
Chips Redfield: Urgh, no thanks.
Jill-42: Your loss!
Chips Redfield: Sure thing
Barry Foreman: Oh my God! Guys, come over here!
*Chips and Jill follow Barry’s call to find him standing in an old service elevator*
Barry Foreman: Look what I found!
Chips Redfield: Woah, good stuff.
Barry Foreman: It can’t hold us all at the same time though; I’ll use it first if that’s ok?
Chips Redfield: So Jill will be going down with me? I mean, Ill be going down with Jill? I mean, Jill and I will be going down together…
Barry Foreman: Yeah, something like that… See you at the bottom.
*After an agonising wait, Chips and Jill get in the lift together and jerkily are taken to the bottom floor where Barry Foreman is waiting*
Barry Foreman: Enjoy the ride down the shaft, eh Jill? The lift shaft I mean, eh, eh.
Jill-42: Shut up you gimp.
*The argument is interrupted by a loud clatter in the room*
Jill-42: Well, s’pose we should investigate
Barry Foreman: Yeah, hmmm, fair enough
Chips Redfield: Do we have to? I’m Hungry!
Jill-42: Yes, Yes we do, now follow me.
*The G*A*D*S follow Jill’s lead, unwittingly trekking deeper into the hotels evil heart*
Barry Foreman: Err Jill, where are we?
Jill-42: Do you want the truth or the answer to appease you?
Barry Foreman: Options, options. The truth!
Jill-42: I’m lost, hopelessly lost.
Barry Foreman: Women, eh!
Chips Redfield: Back off man!
Barry Foreman: What are you? A girl?
Chips Redfield: Well…
Barry Foreman: Pre Op or Post Op?
Chips Redfield: Post…
Barry Foreman: Phew.
Jill-42: Erm guys, can we try and find where we are? Please?
Barry Foreman: Try looking at that map that is Oh-so-obviously hidden in that statute
Jill-42: But its too high, I can’t reach it!
Barry Foreman: You see that chest of drawers?
Jill-42: Yeah
Barry Foreman: Well Capcom didn’t put them there for no bloody reason!
Jill-42: b-b-b but, don’t be so mean!
Barry Foreman: What? What did I say?
Chips Redfield: It wasn’t what you said, it was the way you said it!
*Knock knock knock*
Barry Foreman: Erm, who could that be?
Chips Redfield: Don’t ask me!
Jill-42: Come in….
Pizza Guy: Hey, here your piping hot Domino’s pizza and 1 litre bottle of tango orange
Chips Redfield: We didn’t order a pizza though…
Pizza Guy: I drove for 3 hours, through creepy woods carrying this pizza, at least take it!
*Jill takes the pizza*
Pizza Guy: That’s £30 please
Chips Redfield: But we didn’t…
Pizza Guy: That’s £30 please…
*Chips forks out the money and the pizza guy leaves*
Chips Redfield: Anyone want a slice?
Barry Foreman: No, I used to work for Domino’s, I know what they do to the pizzas!
Jill-42: Urgh, no thanks then!
*Knock Knock Knock*
Jill-42: Oi, Pizza guy… We told you to…
*American zombie lurches through the door with an ‘I Love NY’ T-shirt and a Yankee’s baseball cap*
Jill-42: Argh!
Zombie Drunk Cow: Pizzzaaaaa, Neeeeed Pizzzaaaa
Barry Foreman: And you wondered why half of America is obsese…
Chips Redfield: Heh, yeah
Jill-42: Do something Chips!
Chips Redfield: Hey yeah! I paid £30 for that pizza! Get your own!
*Chips shoots Zombie Drunk Cow in the head and attacks him with the pizza cutter*
Chips Redfield: Job well done?
Jill-42: Damn right!
Barry Foreman: Lets explore some more, we might find stuff
*At this point the writer became too involved in the zombie plot to follow up the mysterious disappearances, just like the writers of Resident Evil did*
Barry Foreman: Which door shall we go through?
Jill-42: I recon door 1
Chips Redfield: I say door 2
Barry Foreman: Hmmm…
*Cilla Black runs onto the set*
Cilla: Here’s our Graham to give you a rundown of what’s behind each door
Our Graham: Behind door number 1 is a hunky blonde zombie who’s lusts include blood and human entrails! Behind door number 2 is a tall, dark and handsome Brummie who enjoys biting necks and grunting, and behind door 3 this evening is Asher D in a sailor costume, dancing. The choice, is yours.
Cilla: It’s make your mind up time chuck
Barry Foreman: Erm, Door 3 sounds too risky and door 1 sounds too scary, I’ll take door 2 Cilla.
Cilla: Ok Foreman, meet your blind date of the night, zombie 2
*Romantic music plays*
Barry Foreman: Er, hi.
Zombie#2: Blood, brains, murghhhh
Barry Foreman: You sound like my Grandma
Zombie#2: Hey! Take that back
Barry Foreman: Your momma is sooooo fat, when she sits down she needs planning permission.
Zombie#2: Hey, stop it, I only want your blood!
Barry Foreman: Your momma is soooo poor, she does drive by shootings on the bus!
Zombie#2: Stop it!
Barry Foreman: Your momma wasn’t saying that last night!
Zombie#2: Argh!
*Zombie#2 runs away crying*
Barry Foreman: And that my friends, is the art of negotiation.
Jill-42: Well done!
Barry Foreman: Thank you, thank you, now lets go!
*The group run down the dark corridor S.A.S style*
Barry Foreman: Well, we are in a kitchen, I think
Chips Redfield: Well duh…
Barry Foreman: Shut up, We need to find some zombies and shoot ‘em!
Jill-42: Lads. Eh! What are you like
Barry Foreman: Testosterone driven loving machines!
Jill-42: Ewww
Chips Redfield: He’s not lying
Jill-42: Anyway, are we going to get some zombies?
Barry Foreman: Damn right we are
Chips Redfield: Hey, is that a door hidden in the wall?
Barry Foreman: By golly is sure is, that was well hidden Capcom, good one!
*Jill pushes door open and walks down secret corridor, the others follow her*
Jill-42: Well, I think have found something we aren’t meant to have done
Chips Redfield: Evidently, I wonder what is through here?
*Chips pushes another door open and walks through into a laboratory*
Barry Foreman: Oh great, science! That’s all we need
Jill-42: But guys, science can be fun!
*The group fall about laughing*
Rapid Scientist: Hey, what are you guys laughing at?
Barry Foreman: Sorry, nothing. Hey who are you?
Rapid Scientist: I’m one of the scientists that used to work in this secret lab. There were only two survivors.
Barry Foreman: Who else?
Paranoid Scientist: Me
Barry Foreman: Oh, what happened here?
Rapid Scientist: Well I don’t know I was on the toilet when it all happened. Something with flashing lights and a loud noise
Barry Foreman: Oh, sounds fun
Paranoid Scientist: Are you kidding? It was horrible!
Barry Foreman: Oh sorry
Paranoid Scientist: Anyway, we need to find a way out, before it gets us….
Barry Foreman: Before what gets us?
Paranoid Scientist: Lisa Treynolds – she is a genetic experiment gone wrong.
Barry Foreman: Oh, what does she look like?
Paranoid Scientist: She has 3 eyes, is slimy and has huge muscles due to overgrowth. She is faceless due to too many injections and screams manically all the time
Barry Foreman: Sounds hot.
Lisa Treynolds: Arghhhhh
Barry Foreman: Is that her?
Paranoid Scientist: Yes, we must flee!
Jill-42: Can’t we fight her?
Rapid Scientist: We’ve tried, she is too strong!
Jill-42: Yeah but you’re all weedy, and we have guns!
Rapid Scientist: Well if you insist!
Chips Redfield: Oh I do, I do!
Jill-42: Its killin’ time!
Paranoid Scientist: Hey, don’t you guys think this scenario is a little bit like that film?
Jill-42: Which one?
Paranoid Scientist: You know, American Pie
Jill-42: Um, no. Not really
Chips Redfield: Cut the chitchat and lets start the shooting
Lisa Treynolds: Arghhhhhhhhhh
Chips Redfield: She’s getting closer, are you all ready?
Jill-42: Yep
Barry Foreman: Damn right I am
Paranoid Scientist: Yeah
Rapid Scientist: No
*Chips Redfield shoots rapid scientist*
Paranoid Scientist: What was that for?
Chips Redfield: It was an accident
Paranoid Scientist: No, really?
Chips Redfield: Well, he would have gotten in the way and cramped my style.
Paranoid Scientist: Fair enough
Lisa Treynolds: Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jill-42: There she is!
Barry Foreman: Get her!
*Jill and Barry unload round upon round of bullets on Lisa Treynolds*
Barry Foreman: Why isn’t she dying?
Chips Redfield: Watch this
* Chips Redfield starts doing a crazy Irish dance which baffles Lisa Treynolds*
Jill-42: Chips…. have you been drinking?
Chips Redfield: No, watch!
*Lisa Treynolds gets so confused and irritated at the Michael Flattley antics that she jumps into a pit of acid to end the misery and torment*
Barry Foreman: Go Chips!
*Chips carries on dancing*
Barry Foreman: Dude, you can stop now
Chips Redfield: No I can’t, my legs won’t stop moving!
Barry Foreman: Ah damn
Chips Redfield: Help! I can’t dance forever!
Jill-42: Heh! You look like such a fag!
Barry Foreman: Shut up Jill, we have to help him!
*Barry rushes out of the door and returns with a fire extinguisher*
Jill-42: What’s that for?
Barry Foreman: Watch!
*Barry slams the fire extinguisher into Chips’ legs again and again until he falls limply to the floor*
Jill-42: I think you broke his legs
Barry Foreman: Yeah, but he isn’t dancing any more, is he!
Chips Redfield: Ahhh Jesus, I can’t move
Paranoid Scientist: Well, at least we got rid of Lisa Treynolds. But there’s something else…
Barry Foreman: What? What else is there?
Paranoid Scientist: It is a genetic experiment gone… wrong
Barry Foreman: Like Jordan?
Paranoid Scientist: No, not nearly as supple and curvaceous as Jordan
Barry Foreman: Damn!
Paranoid Scientist: It is called, The Tphirant, a killing machine bred by our scientists down here
Barry Foreman: And where is he?
Paranoid Scientist: That’s the thing, we don’t know. There was a power cut and all of the door locking mechanisms were released.
Barry Foreman: damn
Paranoid Scientist: Exactly.
Barry Foreman: We need to get the Tphirant before he escapes the hotel and gets to the surface… He could unleash hell on Basildon!
Jill-42: Oh no! Not Basildon!
Chips Redfield: Ahh my legs!
Jill-42: Quiet, you!
Chips Redfield: Eek!
Paranoid Scientist: I have an inkling that Tphirant will have headed for, the library.
Barry Foreman: Why the library?
Paranoid Scientist: Does everything have to make sense? Just follow me!
*The group dash to the library, except Chips who crawls behind*
Jill-42: Where’s Chips?
Chips Redfield: I’m here….ouch
Jill-42: Yikes, was that your leg that just cracked?
Chips Redfield: No, I don’t know what it was!
Paranoid Scientist: Oh my lord, there he is
Barry Foreman: Who?
Paranoid Scientist: The Tphirant!
The Tphirant: Jai mange le chat
Barry Foreman: He’s French?
The Tphirant: Oui, Jai mappel Le Tphirant, et tu?
Barry Foreman: Why is he French?
Paranoid Scientist: It was cheaper, and Windows 98 kept crashing when we tried to make him English.
Barry Foreman: Ahhh, I get it
The Tphirant: Bonjoure!!
Barry Foreman: Ahhh get away Frenchie!
Jill-42: Eat lead, frog man!
The Tphirant: non!!!!
*Jill shoots at Tphirant with an assault shotgun, only to see the bullets bouncing off him*
The Tphirant: Muhahahaha
Paranoid Scientist: You have to sever his nerve valves in his spinal conjunction
Barry Foreman: In English….?
Paranoid Scientist: Cut his bloody head off!
Jill-42: Leave this to me…
Chips Redfield: Jill, be careful…
Jill-42: Every dog has her day!
*Jill sprints at Tphirant with a dagger in one hand and a handgun in the other*
Jill-42: ‘Ave it!
The Tphirant: *Gulp*
* Jill dives at Tphirant and jams the blade right into his neck making him scream like the pathetic frog he is. In one last movement the Tphirant grabs Jill by the throat and tears her head backwards, snapping her fragile neck*
Chips Redfield: Jill, no!!!!
Barry Foreman: Heroics don’t work in these situations!
*Chips runs over to Jill’s corpse and begins to weep*
Barry Foreman: I thought you couldn’t walk
Chips Redfield: Erm well…you see
Paranoid Scientist: Guys, we have to keep moving and get out of here
Barry Foreman: Sure, lets go
*The 2 follow Paranoid Scientist through a series of chambers until they reach a small hidden runway*
Paranoid Scientist: Wait here a second, I’ll go and get the plane, this way we can escape this evil place
Chips Redfield: Phew, finally
*Barry and Chips wait for what seems like hours, and decide to see where Paranoid Scientist has gone. They enter the hanger where he went to get a plane but find his body impaled on the propellers of a small jet*
Barry Foreman: Euch, poor guy!
Chips Redfield: You can say that again
Barry Foreman: Euch, poor gu….
Chips Redfield: Ah shut up, we need to find a way to get out of here, and fast!
*Chips and Barry get into the cockpit and start the plane down the runway*
Chips Redfield: The plane is too heavy, we can’t take off!
Barry Foreman: We need to be lighter you mean?
Chips Redfield: Exactly…
Barry Foreman: Hey, don’t look at me like that! We could throw the sound guy out of the back, or one of those immigrants in to luggage compartment?
Chips Redfield: Sorry but…
*Chips pushes Barry Foreman backwards out of the plane and watches him fall onto the runway*
Barry Foreman: Ow!
Chips Redfield: Sorry, but I just don’t like you!
*Chips takes off in the plane and sets off over Basildon Forest with ‘We are the Champions’ playing at full blast*
Barry Foreman: Oh crap, I’m in for it now
Zombie Azul: urhhhhhhhhhh
Barry Foreman: Argh! Get away! I’m a crazy white man with a gun!
Zombie Azul: Yeah well I’m a zombie with blood lust!
Barry Foreman: Don’t make me…
*Barry pull the trigger and the gun barrel clicks, he pull the trigger again and again only to discover the barrel is empty*
Zombie Azul: Fool!
*Zombie Azul lurches at Barry’s throat and tears a huge chunk of flesh from it, he wolf it down before draining the blood from Barry’s twitching body*
Zombie Azul: Ahhh Bisto!
*Meanwhile in the plane Chips is landing at Basildon International Airport*
Chips Redfield: Now I can sell my story to The Daily Mirror and make a fortune!
Air Traffic Control: What?
Chips Redfield: Oh hey, I’m about to land, is that ok?
Air Traffic Control: Sure, bring her down on runway 3
Chips Redfield: Ok mister
Air Traffic Control: See you down there sir
*Chips brings the plane down on the runway and brings it to a halt, He gets out expecting a hero’s welcome but instead faces the FBI*
FBI officer#1: Chips Redfield, you are under arrest for the murder of Jill-42 Valentine, Barry Foreman, Paranoid Scientist, Rapid Scientist and a Pizza Boy, you do not have to say anything but anything you do say may be given in evidence
Chips Redfield: What the…
FBI officer#1: Advance on him men
Chips Redfield: Hey, quit it. If this is a joke then it not funny…
*Chips is shot with a tranquilliser dart and falls to the ground*
:: A few days later, New Bedlam Asylum for the criminally insane::
Nurse: Mr Redfield, Mr Redfield?
Chips Redfield: Yeah? Who? Where am I?
Nurse: Its ok Mr Redfield, you are safe now.
Chips Redfield: What happened to me?
Nurse: Shhh Mr Redfield, you need your rest.
*The nurse switches on a small television beside the bed that Chips is strapped into. The local news begins*
Nurse: I’ll be back in a while with your food Mr Redfield, you stay here and relax.
Chips Redfield: Sure, ok…
*Chips stares at the television and is shocked by what he sees*
News presenter: I am here at the scene of the recent ‘Redfield Murders’ where the clinically insane Chips Redfield is believed to have killed several Basildon residents and then one by one killed several G*A*D*S special forces members. He is now been held in a psychiatric unit until he is charged and executed.
Chips Redfield: Oh my God! Nurse, nurse!
*The nurse stumbles around the corner clutching her wounded throat*
Nurse: You have to get out of here, they’re everywhere!
Chips Redfield: Who? Who is everywhere?
*The nurse collapses to the floor and a zombie in a white lab coat advances through the door towards Chips*
[The End]
Thank you to my cast:
Chris Redfield: Chips Redfield
Jill Valentine: Jill-42
Barry: Barry Foreman
Wesker: Wesker Froots
Scientist 1: Paranoid Scientist
Scientist 2: Rapid Scientist
Lisa Trevor (Mutant): Lisa Treynolds
Tyrant: The ‘Tphirant’
Zombies: Azul AfroJoe and Drunk Cow
: : :
Thankyou for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.
-kyz22-
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Thanks to everyone who commented and read the post.
I dont think I will write another one for a while though.
I dont think I will write another one for a while though.
Super post Kyle.
Thanks for including me.
Thanks for including me.
Hmmm.. no backup
I win!
:)
I win!
:)
Hey! I taught him the ways of the keyboard!
Tell em Kyle!
Tell em Kyle!
That was simply brilliant Kyz! Genius idea to begin with and then followed up with a well thought post.
I have tought you well
:D
I have tought you well
:D
Excellent post there Kyz22.
Had trouble with computer, so sorry the reply is late.
I look forward to your next spoof (that's if there will be another one :-D)
Probably won't come back on the SR until next week, as I got to get computer sorted out.
Had trouble with computer, so sorry the reply is late.
I look forward to your next spoof (that's if there will be another one :-D)
Probably won't come back on the SR until next week, as I got to get computer sorted out.
Cheers hammond - n00b was that comment at me?
this is just blatent spam, ban! whats the point?
Excellent spoof Kyz22.
Give this man a GAD! :-)
Give this man a GAD! :-)
A compliment on a spoof by Drunk Cow *fall to floor*
Cheers dude!
Cheers dude!
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