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*Kyle Dark Mark and their action hungry mum Ms NY are in the local market buying groceries*
Ms NY= Lets buy motorcycle tires!
Dark Mark= This is a market mum.
Ms NY= No! Once I bought some tires here and I put them on my car.
Dark Mark= Those were Cheerios and you put them up your nose.
Kyle= Hey mum look over there!
“Ms NY turns to her right and sees a woman in a bunny suit screaming at a paper bag”
Ms NY= Wow! That looks awesome! I want to try!
Kyle= No mum over there!
“Kyle points toward a section of the market dedicated to cheese”
Dark Mark= Uh, so what.
Kyle= Do you not see that huge banner running across the cheese section. It says “If you find the piece of cheese with the golden coin inside, you win a trip to AfroJoe’s Cheese Factory where all the best cheeses of the world are made!”
Dark Mark= Mum! Buy us cheese!
Ms NY= I am not going to spend my hard earned money on that!
Kyle= Mum you don’t have a job. You rely on us to bring home money.
Ms NY= Can’t we just mug someone that buys the cheese then hold then hostage in the basement with their trousers off?
Dark Mark= Why does he have to have his trousers off?
Ms NY= Because I need someone to love again! Is that so hard! Is it!
Kyle= Yea, probably.
Ms NY= Shh, that guy over there is buying a large stock of AfroJoe cheese. Lets all follow him to his car and I’ll hold him down while you two grab all his cloths.
Kyle= What? No.
Ms NY= No dinner for a month!
Dark Mark= Drat! Okay lets go.
Customer= You know I’m right here. I COULD here you!
Ms NY= GET HM!
“The family all jump on the customer and start eating his cheese”
Customer= Hey! You know I haven’t bought that yet! So why are you stealing it from me.
Ms NY= GET HIS TROUSERS!
Manager= Excuse me!
Kyle= Your excused.
Ms NY= Hey manager man, want to jump off a building with me!
Manager= Uh, I’m calling the police.
Ms NY= Yea they could jump with us too.
“Dark Mark starts choking on a piece of cheese”
Customer= Oh my! Call the hospital!
Dark Mark= I’m…..choking…..on….the….the gold….coin.
Kyle= YAY, we won!
Manager= No, you don’t because your going to jail!
Ms NY= No we aren’t because I have one of these.
“Ms NY hands something to the manager quickly”
Manager= Miss. This is a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card” from a Monopoly game board!
Dark Mark= I’m…….dieing…..
Manager= Okay, just leave but just take that boy to the hospital!
*10 hours later near the front gate of AfroJoe’s Cheese Factory*
Dark Mark= Huh. Where am I?
Kyle= I performed CPR to you for 7 hours straight Mark. The people at the hospital said you were going to be okay after the first few minutes but wanted to do it extra just in case.
Ms NY= Weakling!
Kyle= Well mum at least he got us here by eating that cheddar.
Dark Mark= So why are we outside. Ring the doorbell.
~DING DONG LONG JOHN~
Kyle= Wow! What a cool doorbell!
“The gate automatically opens and they all walk in slowly”
Tphi= Look Mystique the rest of the contest winners are here.
Mystique= It’s Kyle! I can’t go up and greet him! I have had a crush on him since before he was born! My love burns for him like a thousand suns!
Kyle= You do know I could hear you right?
AfroJoe= Welcome. The last of the people are here so everyone put your happy faces on!
“Everyone puts on smiley faced masks and begin to applaud”
Ms NY= I’m bored! Who’s up for Russian Roulette?
Tphi= How many bullets?
Ms NY= One in every chamber.
Tphi=!
Dark Mark= When is this going to start?
AfroJoe= That’s it! No more questions!
Ms NY= WHY!
AfroJoe= We will start the tour soon!
Ms NY= That’s not soon enough!
AfroJoe= Okay then! Follow me.
“Everyone follows AfroJoe into another door and see a vast grassy plain where a cream cheese river runs through and trees where cheese grows sprout from the ground happily”
AfroJoe= You have now entered my palace!
Kyle= I’m going to eat some cheese berries!
Tphi= I’m going to eat some of that cheese that looks like ice cream!
Mystique= I’m going to stare at Kyle and drool!
Kyle= I’m going to eat some……..hey what did you just say Mystique?
“A group of little people dressed in yellow jump from the sky and begin to dance”
Kyle= What the! What in the world are those!
Dark Mark= AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
AfroJoe= Those are the Umpa Lumpa’s. They work in the factory by planting the cheese trees and making the cheese berries and adding the secret ingredient.
Ms NY= Tell them I hate them!
Mystique= Look they are about to sing!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa, Dumpidy Cheese. If you aren’t nice we’ll steal your car keys. Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Cheese. If you are mean we will stab you in the knees.
Dark Mark= Look at the way they stare at me!!! They are plotting my demise!!!! AHHHHHHHH!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Some. You Dark Mark are very very dumb.
“All the Umpa Lumpas start stuffing their faces with mozzarella happily”
Tphi= Aw, someone likes cheese a lot.
Dark Mark= Is it me?
Tphi= Uh…yea sure.
AfroJoe= Okay, lets move on to the cream cheese boat trip.
Umpa Lump= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Coat Lip. You guys are going on a very nice boat trip.
“They all walk forward and board a rickety old sail boat”
AfroJoe= And off we go!
Mystique= I’m scared of going on boats. I need someone to console me. And I need that person to be named Kyle……Hey Kyle…….Your name is Kyle.
“Kyle starts to back away slowly”
Kyle= Uh…no my name is Micheal Jackson.
Mystique= Don’t play hard to get with ME Kyle.
Kyle= That’s it I can’t take this anymore!
“Kyle jumps off the jumps off the edge of the boat but Dark Mark grabs his leg and tries to pull him back”
Dark Mark= Are you crazy! You don’t know how to swim!
Mystique= He’s been swimming in my heart all day.
Dark Mark=…..okay I heard enough.
“Dark Mark lets go of Kyle and jumps off along side him”
Dark Mark= What a great way to die this is.
Kyle= Better than spending another second with Mystique.
Ms NY= You said it there.
Dark Mark= MUM! Why did you jump off!
Ms NY= Everyone else was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.
Kyle= Can’t….breath…..
“The three flow down the river all the way to a part of the cheese land that has computers and machines scattered about. They scamper to their feet and gasp for air”
Dark Mark= Look over there guys there are some Umpa Lumpas.
Kyle= Why are they sprinkling something all over the cheese products.
Dark Mark= It must be the secret ingredient!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Fleas. We are sprinkling dead body guts all over this cheese.
Ms NY= Awesome!
Kyle= Shh, they will hear you!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Fet Hem! Hey everyone lets all GET THEM!
AfroJoe= So I see you have figured out our secret ingredient.
Dark Mark= We did. It’s water isn’t it?
AfroJoe= No! First we dig up dead bodies from the graveyard then we chop them up into tiny little pieces then we sprinkle it all over our cheese for flavour.
“Kyle starts eating a piece of cheddar”
Kyle= I knew it!
Dark Mark= That’s sick dude.
AfroJoe= Guards get those prisoners!
Ms NY= Run!
“Ms NY and her sons run through a forest of trees and dash up a series of ladders and jump over tons of alligator pits and down silly slides and through more forest”
Dark Mark= It seems like we have been running for days.
AfroJoe= You have…..and you went completely in a circle.
Ms NY= Uh…boss I got those uh….prisoners you wanted.
AfroJoe= Nice try Ms NY……….no really. I actually almost believed it. Pretty good…..Now take them to the brig!
Gerrid the Guard= Sir. We don’t have a brig.
AfroJoe= Then throw them in the laundry room. Which from now on will be referred to as the brig.
Ms NY= Mark. Give mommy a favour and shoot me.
Dark Kyle= I can’t….Kyle will get mad.
Kyle= Yep.
*Down in the laundry room*
Gerrid the Guard= Okay all of you. AfroJoe wants you guys to squeeze these coals into diamonds, and I don’t wanna hear “Oh Mr. Guard sir, the sharp edges make my hands hurt”. Oh yea and when the washer is done, separate the lights from the darks.
“Gerrid walks out and shuts the door behind him”
Tphi= It can’t get any worse than this.
Kyle= Hey Tphi and Mystique why did they lock you guys down here.
Tphi= Something about elephants or something.
Ms NY= Don’t worry guys one day we will look back at this and laugh……….
“Ms NY begins to laugh hysterically”
Kyle= Don’t you think it’s too early to laugh.
Mystique= Oh, hi big boy. What are you up to?
Kyle= Well some psychotic cheese freaks have locked me in a laundry room with no food and water AND I’m stuck with a dumb girl that won’t stop talking to me!
Ms NY= Who me?
Mystique= I’ve had it. All of Kyle’s pictures are coming off my wall in my room……..except that one where he is under the tree with his shirt off. Mmm.
Ms NY= These guys are probably going to kill us and make us into cheese fertilizer.
Tphi= Can you please change the subject.
Ms NY= Okay………..and they will probably take our trousers off and make us dance while they are killing us.
Dark Mark= That’s it! I can’t stand this anymore! I am tired of you guys fusing about nothing. I’m asserting myself to be the new leader of this group weather anyone likes it or not!
Ms NY= No more internet chatrooms for you Mr.
Dark Mark= We have to make guns out of that washer and dyer over there then kill AfroJoe and all the Umpa Lumpas to shut down this place! As your god as my witness…this will work. Or my name isn’t….ASHER D……..which is NOW my NEW NAME!
Ms NY= Awesome! We will be shooting at them like Bang Bang Shoot Shoot. And they will be like AHHH AHHH Hurt Hurt. And we could celebrate with free pancakes and be like Yum Yum, Yum Yum.
Kyle= No way dude. Remember in school you were voted most likely to never lead a rioting army to victory. Numbers don’t lie.
“A huge number 4 walks by”
4= I’m 5.
Asher D= ………yea your right Kyle.
Tphi= Well at least there is a window in this place. Look I could see the sky.
Mystique= Yea! Look at the clouds. That cloud looks like a horse, that cloud looks like a heart, that cloud looks like a cloud.
Kyle= Guys we have to do something besides look at the clouds. Look over there.
“Kyle points at a woman chasing a paper bag in a bunny suit outside the window”
Asher D= Is that the same woman?
Woman= Hey you guys locked in the laundry room…have I seen you somewhere?
Ms NY= NO! GO AWAY!
Tphi= Don’t! Miss can you help us? We were locked in here by a madman and we need to escape.
Woman= Yea I figured that. I can’t free you though. Don’t worry you will get out soon.
Mystique= What do you mean!
Woman= Let me explain. One day the Umpa Lumpas dug up the body of Elvis Presley in hopes of making him into cheese flavour but unluckily Elvis became outraged that his grave was dug up and he became a zombie! Elvis is followed around by three small Umpa Lumpas that he turned into zombies too, he treats them like children. He walks around the Cheese Factory to this day in hopes of finding eternal peace and killing anything in his way.
Kyle= And how do you know this?
Woman= I’m not telling you. I’m not telling you.
“The woman continues to chase around a motionless bag”
Tphi= We HAVE to get out here or we are dead no matter what! Quick make a divergent!
Ms NY= I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
“Gerrid the Guard opens the door”
Gerrid the Gaurds= This way Ms NY.
Tphi= Wow that was simple.
Gerrid the Guard= And you guys stay here and continue to grind those coals!
“Gerrid closes the door once again and leads Ms NY to the men and woman’s bathrooms which are labeled by a yellow Umpa Lumpa and a green Umpa Lumpa”
Ms NY= Uh, Which one is for women!
Gerrid the Guard= The one with the picture of the Umpa Lumpa!
Ms NY= Well thanks………..but take this!
“Ms NY karate chops Gerrid and takes his gun”
Gerrid the Guard= Give it all you got little missy.
“Ms NY begins to shoot at Gerrid’s head rapidly….but no damage is done”
Gerrid the Guard= I am unbeatable! Muahahahaha!
“Ms NY looks around her frantically and picks up a normal frisbee and throws it at Gerrid. It almost instantly slices off his head”
Ms NY= Finally! Now let me get the others.
“Ms NY runs over to the laundry room and sees everyone outside the door”
Asher D= We figured out that there actually was never a lock on the door.
Tphi= I found it. I found it out!
“The Public Announcement speakerphone comes on and AfroJoe’s booming voice is heard”
AfroJoe= The prisoners have escaped! Mob of female guards, get them. Roger out. Over. Oh I’ve always wanted to say that.
Mystique= Female guards?
“A group of girls run pass a corridor and find the group”
Female Guards= Attack formation! Right………NOW
~Ring Ring~
Female Guards= Opps, sorry AfroJoe. We have to take a break to reapply our makeup.
Tphi= Uh…..should we run?
Ms NY= No I have a better idea…… THERE ARE 50% OFF SHOES AT SHOE MART TODAY!!!
Female Guards= A sale! Lets go girls. Like totally!
Kyle= Great job mum! Now lets go get that evil genius AfroJoe!
“The group of contest winners run over to the laboratory in a hurry with no plans of attack and lots of pocket lint in their….pockets”
Woman= Guys! Run! Elvis is over there! He will kill you all!
Elvis Presley= Uh-huuuh.
Asher D= Don’t worry crazy lady! I’ll hold you close.
AfroJoe= That’s my wife! I’ll kill you for this!
Asher D= I didn’t touch her….uh she’s actually kind of ugly. Not my type.
AfroJoe= I will kill you!
Elvis Presley= I will eat you all for digging me up and eating this dreadful cheese product and for threatening to kidnap my Umpa Lumpa sons.
Asher D= We never said we were going to kidnap them……….we said…..we were going to eat them……no wait that’s even worse.
Kyle= You know Asher you really aren’t helping.
Mystique= Don’t eat me Elvis. I taste bad see…
“Mystique licks her arm”
Mystique= Wow, that’s not that bad……get your own.
“Mystique nibbles on herself joyfully”
Elvis Presley= Asher D. I will kill anyone that is related to you! Is that your mum!
Asher D= No….actually that’s my girlfriend.
Ms NY= He’s lying……..we broke up months ago…..
Elvis Presley= Err.
Tphi= What is your hatred toward cheese Elvis? Have a taste of it please. It’s still warm from the oven. Just like ice cream.
“Tphi chugs a chunk of cheese at Elvis and it hits him in the eye”
Elvis Presley= …..Wow that was delicious! Let’s make a deal. If I could eat that woman in the bunny suit, I’ll let you all go.
AfroJoe= I’ll never give my wife away! I love her as much as I love my little dog Spike!
Spike= Woof Woof.
AfroJoe= Shut up you stupid dog. SHUT UP!
“AfroJoe’s wife begins to cry”
Elvis Presley= Is that water leaking out of your face! Eww, I don’t want to eat you now. I now have my eyes on AfroJoe!
Ms NY= You really have to learn how to make up your mind dude.
AfroJoe= I’ll do it to save all of you guys.
“Elvis opens his mouth wide”
AfroJoe= If I don’t make it back……tell my wife…….hello.
Woman= I’m right here you know.
AfroJoe= Her voice is ringing in my head. How romantic.
Kyle= AfroJoe. I want you to have this.
“Kyle hands AfroJoe a stuffed zebra”
Kyle= It means a lot to me. It reminds me of my father before my mom killed him.
AfroJoe= He looked like a zebra?
Kyle= NO! Forget it! I don’t want you to have it anymore.
AfroJoe= Suit yourself…..and goodbye all…
“AfroJoe walks into Elvis’s mouth”
Elvis= Yum yum yum…..wait a second. I don’t feel so good. I didn’t chew my food! And now I’m going to explode in a very climactic way!
Asher D= He’s going to blow! Everyone quickly go through that door with the huge exit sign over it.
“Everyone runs for the door and it shuts close before Ms NY can escape but everyone else makes it out”
Ms NY= Oh man! I’m going to die in a very climactic way…WAIT there is a stairway leading to the roof of this factory over there……AND WAIT there is a parachute standing conveniently right next to me! I know what I have to do!
“Ms NY runs up the stairs to the roof and jumps off without the parachute”
Ms NY= Wow, falling down to my impending doom is fun. Parachutes are for losers.
Kyle= Hey look up there! It’s mum!
Asher D= Eww, you could see up her dress!
Kyle= Hey that’s MY underwear!
“Ms NY falls into Tphi’s arms then look passionately into each other’s eyes”
Mystique= Quick lets get out of here! There is a valet driver over there!
“Mystique pays the valet diver and drives off with the others leaving him behind”
~Bang~
(loud aint it)
*7 months later at Ms NY’s house*
Ms NY= Hey guys remember that day at AfroJoe’s Cheese Factory.
Tphi= How can I forget it. That’s the same day I asked you to marry me…………………….and you refused.
Mystique= And that’s the day where I locked Kyle in the basement with his trousers off. And the same day I invited him over to the backseat of my car…..for coffee of course.
Distant voice= Get me out of here. It’s cold
Britney Spears= And that was the day that I changed my name from Dark Mark to Asher D to Britney Spears. That day was great. The world should thank us for what happen.
Tphi= Yea, but hopefully not all at once…that would be pretty loud.
“Everyone laughs at the cheesy joke and they all lived happily ever after(except maybe Kyle)”
THE END
Drunk
Ms NY= Lets buy motorcycle tires!
Dark Mark= This is a market mum.
Ms NY= No! Once I bought some tires here and I put them on my car.
Dark Mark= Those were Cheerios and you put them up your nose.
Kyle= Hey mum look over there!
“Ms NY turns to her right and sees a woman in a bunny suit screaming at a paper bag”
Ms NY= Wow! That looks awesome! I want to try!
Kyle= No mum over there!
“Kyle points toward a section of the market dedicated to cheese”
Dark Mark= Uh, so what.
Kyle= Do you not see that huge banner running across the cheese section. It says “If you find the piece of cheese with the golden coin inside, you win a trip to AfroJoe’s Cheese Factory where all the best cheeses of the world are made!”
Dark Mark= Mum! Buy us cheese!
Ms NY= I am not going to spend my hard earned money on that!
Kyle= Mum you don’t have a job. You rely on us to bring home money.
Ms NY= Can’t we just mug someone that buys the cheese then hold then hostage in the basement with their trousers off?
Dark Mark= Why does he have to have his trousers off?
Ms NY= Because I need someone to love again! Is that so hard! Is it!
Kyle= Yea, probably.
Ms NY= Shh, that guy over there is buying a large stock of AfroJoe cheese. Lets all follow him to his car and I’ll hold him down while you two grab all his cloths.
Kyle= What? No.
Ms NY= No dinner for a month!
Dark Mark= Drat! Okay lets go.
Customer= You know I’m right here. I COULD here you!
Ms NY= GET HM!
“The family all jump on the customer and start eating his cheese”
Customer= Hey! You know I haven’t bought that yet! So why are you stealing it from me.
Ms NY= GET HIS TROUSERS!
Manager= Excuse me!
Kyle= Your excused.
Ms NY= Hey manager man, want to jump off a building with me!
Manager= Uh, I’m calling the police.
Ms NY= Yea they could jump with us too.
“Dark Mark starts choking on a piece of cheese”
Customer= Oh my! Call the hospital!
Dark Mark= I’m…..choking…..on….the….the gold….coin.
Kyle= YAY, we won!
Manager= No, you don’t because your going to jail!
Ms NY= No we aren’t because I have one of these.
“Ms NY hands something to the manager quickly”
Manager= Miss. This is a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card” from a Monopoly game board!
Dark Mark= I’m…….dieing…..
Manager= Okay, just leave but just take that boy to the hospital!
*10 hours later near the front gate of AfroJoe’s Cheese Factory*
Dark Mark= Huh. Where am I?
Kyle= I performed CPR to you for 7 hours straight Mark. The people at the hospital said you were going to be okay after the first few minutes but wanted to do it extra just in case.
Ms NY= Weakling!
Kyle= Well mum at least he got us here by eating that cheddar.
Dark Mark= So why are we outside. Ring the doorbell.
~DING DONG LONG JOHN~
Kyle= Wow! What a cool doorbell!
“The gate automatically opens and they all walk in slowly”
Tphi= Look Mystique the rest of the contest winners are here.
Mystique= It’s Kyle! I can’t go up and greet him! I have had a crush on him since before he was born! My love burns for him like a thousand suns!
Kyle= You do know I could hear you right?
AfroJoe= Welcome. The last of the people are here so everyone put your happy faces on!
“Everyone puts on smiley faced masks and begin to applaud”
Ms NY= I’m bored! Who’s up for Russian Roulette?
Tphi= How many bullets?
Ms NY= One in every chamber.
Tphi=!
Dark Mark= When is this going to start?
AfroJoe= That’s it! No more questions!
Ms NY= WHY!
AfroJoe= We will start the tour soon!
Ms NY= That’s not soon enough!
AfroJoe= Okay then! Follow me.
“Everyone follows AfroJoe into another door and see a vast grassy plain where a cream cheese river runs through and trees where cheese grows sprout from the ground happily”
AfroJoe= You have now entered my palace!
Kyle= I’m going to eat some cheese berries!
Tphi= I’m going to eat some of that cheese that looks like ice cream!
Mystique= I’m going to stare at Kyle and drool!
Kyle= I’m going to eat some……..hey what did you just say Mystique?
“A group of little people dressed in yellow jump from the sky and begin to dance”
Kyle= What the! What in the world are those!
Dark Mark= AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
AfroJoe= Those are the Umpa Lumpa’s. They work in the factory by planting the cheese trees and making the cheese berries and adding the secret ingredient.
Ms NY= Tell them I hate them!
Mystique= Look they are about to sing!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa, Dumpidy Cheese. If you aren’t nice we’ll steal your car keys. Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Cheese. If you are mean we will stab you in the knees.
Dark Mark= Look at the way they stare at me!!! They are plotting my demise!!!! AHHHHHHHH!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Some. You Dark Mark are very very dumb.
“All the Umpa Lumpas start stuffing their faces with mozzarella happily”
Tphi= Aw, someone likes cheese a lot.
Dark Mark= Is it me?
Tphi= Uh…yea sure.
AfroJoe= Okay, lets move on to the cream cheese boat trip.
Umpa Lump= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Coat Lip. You guys are going on a very nice boat trip.
“They all walk forward and board a rickety old sail boat”
AfroJoe= And off we go!
Mystique= I’m scared of going on boats. I need someone to console me. And I need that person to be named Kyle……Hey Kyle…….Your name is Kyle.
“Kyle starts to back away slowly”
Kyle= Uh…no my name is Micheal Jackson.
Mystique= Don’t play hard to get with ME Kyle.
Kyle= That’s it I can’t take this anymore!
“Kyle jumps off the jumps off the edge of the boat but Dark Mark grabs his leg and tries to pull him back”
Dark Mark= Are you crazy! You don’t know how to swim!
Mystique= He’s been swimming in my heart all day.
Dark Mark=…..okay I heard enough.
“Dark Mark lets go of Kyle and jumps off along side him”
Dark Mark= What a great way to die this is.
Kyle= Better than spending another second with Mystique.
Ms NY= You said it there.
Dark Mark= MUM! Why did you jump off!
Ms NY= Everyone else was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.
Kyle= Can’t….breath…..
“The three flow down the river all the way to a part of the cheese land that has computers and machines scattered about. They scamper to their feet and gasp for air”
Dark Mark= Look over there guys there are some Umpa Lumpas.
Kyle= Why are they sprinkling something all over the cheese products.
Dark Mark= It must be the secret ingredient!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Fleas. We are sprinkling dead body guts all over this cheese.
Ms NY= Awesome!
Kyle= Shh, they will hear you!
Umpa Lumpas= Umpa Lumpa Dumpidy Fet Hem! Hey everyone lets all GET THEM!
AfroJoe= So I see you have figured out our secret ingredient.
Dark Mark= We did. It’s water isn’t it?
AfroJoe= No! First we dig up dead bodies from the graveyard then we chop them up into tiny little pieces then we sprinkle it all over our cheese for flavour.
“Kyle starts eating a piece of cheddar”
Kyle= I knew it!
Dark Mark= That’s sick dude.
AfroJoe= Guards get those prisoners!
Ms NY= Run!
“Ms NY and her sons run through a forest of trees and dash up a series of ladders and jump over tons of alligator pits and down silly slides and through more forest”
Dark Mark= It seems like we have been running for days.
AfroJoe= You have…..and you went completely in a circle.
Ms NY= Uh…boss I got those uh….prisoners you wanted.
AfroJoe= Nice try Ms NY……….no really. I actually almost believed it. Pretty good…..Now take them to the brig!
Gerrid the Guard= Sir. We don’t have a brig.
AfroJoe= Then throw them in the laundry room. Which from now on will be referred to as the brig.
Ms NY= Mark. Give mommy a favour and shoot me.
Dark Kyle= I can’t….Kyle will get mad.
Kyle= Yep.
*Down in the laundry room*
Gerrid the Guard= Okay all of you. AfroJoe wants you guys to squeeze these coals into diamonds, and I don’t wanna hear “Oh Mr. Guard sir, the sharp edges make my hands hurt”. Oh yea and when the washer is done, separate the lights from the darks.
“Gerrid walks out and shuts the door behind him”
Tphi= It can’t get any worse than this.
Kyle= Hey Tphi and Mystique why did they lock you guys down here.
Tphi= Something about elephants or something.
Ms NY= Don’t worry guys one day we will look back at this and laugh……….
“Ms NY begins to laugh hysterically”
Kyle= Don’t you think it’s too early to laugh.
Mystique= Oh, hi big boy. What are you up to?
Kyle= Well some psychotic cheese freaks have locked me in a laundry room with no food and water AND I’m stuck with a dumb girl that won’t stop talking to me!
Ms NY= Who me?
Mystique= I’ve had it. All of Kyle’s pictures are coming off my wall in my room……..except that one where he is under the tree with his shirt off. Mmm.
Ms NY= These guys are probably going to kill us and make us into cheese fertilizer.
Tphi= Can you please change the subject.
Ms NY= Okay………..and they will probably take our trousers off and make us dance while they are killing us.
Dark Mark= That’s it! I can’t stand this anymore! I am tired of you guys fusing about nothing. I’m asserting myself to be the new leader of this group weather anyone likes it or not!
Ms NY= No more internet chatrooms for you Mr.
Dark Mark= We have to make guns out of that washer and dyer over there then kill AfroJoe and all the Umpa Lumpas to shut down this place! As your god as my witness…this will work. Or my name isn’t….ASHER D……..which is NOW my NEW NAME!
Ms NY= Awesome! We will be shooting at them like Bang Bang Shoot Shoot. And they will be like AHHH AHHH Hurt Hurt. And we could celebrate with free pancakes and be like Yum Yum, Yum Yum.
Kyle= No way dude. Remember in school you were voted most likely to never lead a rioting army to victory. Numbers don’t lie.
“A huge number 4 walks by”
4= I’m 5.
Asher D= ………yea your right Kyle.
Tphi= Well at least there is a window in this place. Look I could see the sky.
Mystique= Yea! Look at the clouds. That cloud looks like a horse, that cloud looks like a heart, that cloud looks like a cloud.
Kyle= Guys we have to do something besides look at the clouds. Look over there.
“Kyle points at a woman chasing a paper bag in a bunny suit outside the window”
Asher D= Is that the same woman?
Woman= Hey you guys locked in the laundry room…have I seen you somewhere?
Ms NY= NO! GO AWAY!
Tphi= Don’t! Miss can you help us? We were locked in here by a madman and we need to escape.
Woman= Yea I figured that. I can’t free you though. Don’t worry you will get out soon.
Mystique= What do you mean!
Woman= Let me explain. One day the Umpa Lumpas dug up the body of Elvis Presley in hopes of making him into cheese flavour but unluckily Elvis became outraged that his grave was dug up and he became a zombie! Elvis is followed around by three small Umpa Lumpas that he turned into zombies too, he treats them like children. He walks around the Cheese Factory to this day in hopes of finding eternal peace and killing anything in his way.
Kyle= And how do you know this?
Woman= I’m not telling you. I’m not telling you.
“The woman continues to chase around a motionless bag”
Tphi= We HAVE to get out here or we are dead no matter what! Quick make a divergent!
Ms NY= I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
“Gerrid the Guard opens the door”
Gerrid the Gaurds= This way Ms NY.
Tphi= Wow that was simple.
Gerrid the Guard= And you guys stay here and continue to grind those coals!
“Gerrid closes the door once again and leads Ms NY to the men and woman’s bathrooms which are labeled by a yellow Umpa Lumpa and a green Umpa Lumpa”
Ms NY= Uh, Which one is for women!
Gerrid the Guard= The one with the picture of the Umpa Lumpa!
Ms NY= Well thanks………..but take this!
“Ms NY karate chops Gerrid and takes his gun”
Gerrid the Guard= Give it all you got little missy.
“Ms NY begins to shoot at Gerrid’s head rapidly….but no damage is done”
Gerrid the Guard= I am unbeatable! Muahahahaha!
“Ms NY looks around her frantically and picks up a normal frisbee and throws it at Gerrid. It almost instantly slices off his head”
Ms NY= Finally! Now let me get the others.
“Ms NY runs over to the laundry room and sees everyone outside the door”
Asher D= We figured out that there actually was never a lock on the door.
Tphi= I found it. I found it out!
“The Public Announcement speakerphone comes on and AfroJoe’s booming voice is heard”
AfroJoe= The prisoners have escaped! Mob of female guards, get them. Roger out. Over. Oh I’ve always wanted to say that.
Mystique= Female guards?
“A group of girls run pass a corridor and find the group”
Female Guards= Attack formation! Right………NOW
~Ring Ring~
Female Guards= Opps, sorry AfroJoe. We have to take a break to reapply our makeup.
Tphi= Uh…..should we run?
Ms NY= No I have a better idea…… THERE ARE 50% OFF SHOES AT SHOE MART TODAY!!!
Female Guards= A sale! Lets go girls. Like totally!
Kyle= Great job mum! Now lets go get that evil genius AfroJoe!
“The group of contest winners run over to the laboratory in a hurry with no plans of attack and lots of pocket lint in their….pockets”
Woman= Guys! Run! Elvis is over there! He will kill you all!
Elvis Presley= Uh-huuuh.
Asher D= Don’t worry crazy lady! I’ll hold you close.
AfroJoe= That’s my wife! I’ll kill you for this!
Asher D= I didn’t touch her….uh she’s actually kind of ugly. Not my type.
AfroJoe= I will kill you!
Elvis Presley= I will eat you all for digging me up and eating this dreadful cheese product and for threatening to kidnap my Umpa Lumpa sons.
Asher D= We never said we were going to kidnap them……….we said…..we were going to eat them……no wait that’s even worse.
Kyle= You know Asher you really aren’t helping.
Mystique= Don’t eat me Elvis. I taste bad see…
“Mystique licks her arm”
Mystique= Wow, that’s not that bad……get your own.
“Mystique nibbles on herself joyfully”
Elvis Presley= Asher D. I will kill anyone that is related to you! Is that your mum!
Asher D= No….actually that’s my girlfriend.
Ms NY= He’s lying……..we broke up months ago…..
Elvis Presley= Err.
Tphi= What is your hatred toward cheese Elvis? Have a taste of it please. It’s still warm from the oven. Just like ice cream.
“Tphi chugs a chunk of cheese at Elvis and it hits him in the eye”
Elvis Presley= …..Wow that was delicious! Let’s make a deal. If I could eat that woman in the bunny suit, I’ll let you all go.
AfroJoe= I’ll never give my wife away! I love her as much as I love my little dog Spike!
Spike= Woof Woof.
AfroJoe= Shut up you stupid dog. SHUT UP!
“AfroJoe’s wife begins to cry”
Elvis Presley= Is that water leaking out of your face! Eww, I don’t want to eat you now. I now have my eyes on AfroJoe!
Ms NY= You really have to learn how to make up your mind dude.
AfroJoe= I’ll do it to save all of you guys.
“Elvis opens his mouth wide”
AfroJoe= If I don’t make it back……tell my wife…….hello.
Woman= I’m right here you know.
AfroJoe= Her voice is ringing in my head. How romantic.
Kyle= AfroJoe. I want you to have this.
“Kyle hands AfroJoe a stuffed zebra”
Kyle= It means a lot to me. It reminds me of my father before my mom killed him.
AfroJoe= He looked like a zebra?
Kyle= NO! Forget it! I don’t want you to have it anymore.
AfroJoe= Suit yourself…..and goodbye all…
“AfroJoe walks into Elvis’s mouth”
Elvis= Yum yum yum…..wait a second. I don’t feel so good. I didn’t chew my food! And now I’m going to explode in a very climactic way!
Asher D= He’s going to blow! Everyone quickly go through that door with the huge exit sign over it.
“Everyone runs for the door and it shuts close before Ms NY can escape but everyone else makes it out”
Ms NY= Oh man! I’m going to die in a very climactic way…WAIT there is a stairway leading to the roof of this factory over there……AND WAIT there is a parachute standing conveniently right next to me! I know what I have to do!
“Ms NY runs up the stairs to the roof and jumps off without the parachute”
Ms NY= Wow, falling down to my impending doom is fun. Parachutes are for losers.
Kyle= Hey look up there! It’s mum!
Asher D= Eww, you could see up her dress!
Kyle= Hey that’s MY underwear!
“Ms NY falls into Tphi’s arms then look passionately into each other’s eyes”
Mystique= Quick lets get out of here! There is a valet driver over there!
“Mystique pays the valet diver and drives off with the others leaving him behind”
~Bang~
(loud aint it)
*7 months later at Ms NY’s house*
Ms NY= Hey guys remember that day at AfroJoe’s Cheese Factory.
Tphi= How can I forget it. That’s the same day I asked you to marry me…………………….and you refused.
Mystique= And that’s the day where I locked Kyle in the basement with his trousers off. And the same day I invited him over to the backseat of my car…..for coffee of course.
Distant voice= Get me out of here. It’s cold
Britney Spears= And that was the day that I changed my name from Dark Mark to Asher D to Britney Spears. That day was great. The world should thank us for what happen.
Tphi= Yea, but hopefully not all at once…that would be pretty loud.
“Everyone laughs at the cheesy joke and they all lived happily ever after(except maybe Kyle)”
THE END
Drunk
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What a shame.
Such an awesome spoofs greatness tinted by the asinine activities of idiotic n00bs.
Such a shame.
Shame indeed.
Such an awesome spoofs greatness tinted by the asinine activities of idiotic n00bs.
Such a shame.
Shame indeed.
P4_Man have you even read what this is? And what in the world did you reply quote.
Good Good, business as usual for DC, with the great spoofs, if only I could have actually seen Elvis explode in a climactic way!!!!
Only one improvement could have been made, having me in it!
Only one improvement could have been made, having me in it!
As usual, Drunk Cow's newest spoof was pure gold. Nice one, mate. :D
Great spoof DC, and I was in it too! yay!
well done again. :D
well done again. :D
Hehe. That's real good drunk cow. Maybe I should get round to writing one of them soon... Hmm... Anyway, no mention of me in the story. Am I not good enough for you?!?
Thank you all for your replies and POP to everyone else. That's right, POP!
"AfroJoe= He looked like a zebra?"
If only the whole story was about zebras.
And that's zeh-bras
If only the whole story was about zebras.
And that's zeh-bras
I thought it sucked...
..right out the pond of genius!
Great spoof!
:-)
..right out the pond of genius!
Great spoof!
:-)
Thanks dudes:-D
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