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In a minor celebration of the meaningless fact that I have been here exactly a year, I wrote some self-indulgent lazy comedy crap instead of working (no change there then).
And to think, this time last year I came here to laugh at those unable to get a PS2 still, whereas I got one from Tesco.
Oh how I laughed. And then 5 weeks later it stopped working.
Oh how you laughed.
So, as a present to you chimps here is a birthday party story.
Because I love you, and you feel that.
---
BIRTHDAY PARTY HORROR SHOOT-OUT
Reports are coming in of a tragic shoot-out at a birthday party for one Max Payne.
The sullen yet loquacious detective had recently been cleared of the brutal murders of 427 people from a case last year (fictionalised in a popular video-game), on the grounds that “the final gunshot was an exclamation mark”.
It was Payne’s 34th birthday, and there promised to be cake and balloons. But no clown, because they are evil and stuff.
Invited to the party were his close friends and associates Solid Snake, Mario and Lara Croft.
The FBI have released audio tapes of this celebratory mayhem and what follows is the transcript. Some words have been edited to protect the children.
Croft “Happy birthday Max, here’s your pressie”
(sound of a zip being unfastened)
Payne “Sweet mother of all that is holy and naked thank you”
Mario “Whassa dat?”
Croft “Don’t worry Mario, this isn’t for your eyes.”
Payne “Yeah rotundo, go eat cake for a bit”
Mario “I don’t unnerstand!”
(sound of Mario being forced out of the room)
Payne “Where were we?”
Break in tape for 4 minutes.
Payne “Thanks dollface.”
Croft “Hmm. Slo-mo my foot, you were going for gold.”
(door opens)
Payne “Hey Snake”
Snake “Payne. Croft.”
Croft “Oh christ, Snake. Hi there Mr Solid”
Snake “Here’s your present”
(sound of box being opened)
Payne “Thanks Snake, just what I always wanted. A bandanna of invisibility”
(sound of rustling cardboard)
Payne “Snake, get the hell out of that box.”
Snake (muffled) “You cant see me. I’m sneaky”
Croft “I’m leaving, you boys have fun”
Snake (muffled) “Now I can move about and you can’t see me”
Payne “Get out of the box you tool, you always do this”
Snake (muffled) “Ooooo, look at the magic box move about. I wonder how?”
(sound of box being kicked)
Payne “Hmm, I wonder where Snake is? I’ll just kick this box about for a bit”
Snake “Ow.”
Payne “Wow, a magic groaning box”
Snake (muffled) “Don’t make me kick your monkey-ass Payne”
Payne “A magic talking box! Fantastic, much better than this shabby headband”
Snake “Bandanna, not headband.”
(sound of box being tipped over)
Payne “Snake, there you are. I’d never have guessed.”
Snake “That really hurt Payne, you very bad man”
Mario “Issa me!”
Snake & Payne “Christ, Lunchbox is back.”
Mario “Can we save the princess now?”
Snake “What princess? Are you the Asian Prince?”
Payne “He is very intelligent with ninja-like skills”
Snake “Ninja? Where?”
Payne “Both of you stop being idiots and have some party bags”
Mario “But whad about da princess? And da magic coins?”
Payne “I’m warning you fatboy, be quiet”
Mario “But da princess pixie issa in dang-“
Sound of rapid gunfire.
Sound of body slumping to the floor
Snake “He’s dead”
Payne “They all were.”
Snake “You mentalist, you blew the plumber away”
Payne “You want some sneaky boy?”
Snake “Payne?”
Payne “I’ve had it with you, you were expected here 3 months ago, why the delay?”
Snake “I had to get extras”
Payne “No excuse. Every other party has had you for months, why do I wait so long?”
Snake “Umm…”
More gunfire
Body slumps
Payne “that’s better.”
Tape stops because I’m bored and fancy a smoke.
And to think, this time last year I came here to laugh at those unable to get a PS2 still, whereas I got one from Tesco.
Oh how I laughed. And then 5 weeks later it stopped working.
Oh how you laughed.
So, as a present to you chimps here is a birthday party story.
Because I love you, and you feel that.
---
BIRTHDAY PARTY HORROR SHOOT-OUT
Reports are coming in of a tragic shoot-out at a birthday party for one Max Payne.
The sullen yet loquacious detective had recently been cleared of the brutal murders of 427 people from a case last year (fictionalised in a popular video-game), on the grounds that “the final gunshot was an exclamation mark”.
It was Payne’s 34th birthday, and there promised to be cake and balloons. But no clown, because they are evil and stuff.
Invited to the party were his close friends and associates Solid Snake, Mario and Lara Croft.
The FBI have released audio tapes of this celebratory mayhem and what follows is the transcript. Some words have been edited to protect the children.
Croft “Happy birthday Max, here’s your pressie”
(sound of a zip being unfastened)
Payne “Sweet mother of all that is holy and naked thank you”
Mario “Whassa dat?”
Croft “Don’t worry Mario, this isn’t for your eyes.”
Payne “Yeah rotundo, go eat cake for a bit”
Mario “I don’t unnerstand!”
(sound of Mario being forced out of the room)
Payne “Where were we?”
Break in tape for 4 minutes.
Payne “Thanks dollface.”
Croft “Hmm. Slo-mo my foot, you were going for gold.”
(door opens)
Payne “Hey Snake”
Snake “Payne. Croft.”
Croft “Oh christ, Snake. Hi there Mr Solid”
Snake “Here’s your present”
(sound of box being opened)
Payne “Thanks Snake, just what I always wanted. A bandanna of invisibility”
(sound of rustling cardboard)
Payne “Snake, get the hell out of that box.”
Snake (muffled) “You cant see me. I’m sneaky”
Croft “I’m leaving, you boys have fun”
Snake (muffled) “Now I can move about and you can’t see me”
Payne “Get out of the box you tool, you always do this”
Snake (muffled) “Ooooo, look at the magic box move about. I wonder how?”
(sound of box being kicked)
Payne “Hmm, I wonder where Snake is? I’ll just kick this box about for a bit”
Snake “Ow.”
Payne “Wow, a magic groaning box”
Snake (muffled) “Don’t make me kick your monkey-ass Payne”
Payne “A magic talking box! Fantastic, much better than this shabby headband”
Snake “Bandanna, not headband.”
(sound of box being tipped over)
Payne “Snake, there you are. I’d never have guessed.”
Snake “That really hurt Payne, you very bad man”
Mario “Issa me!”
Snake & Payne “Christ, Lunchbox is back.”
Mario “Can we save the princess now?”
Snake “What princess? Are you the Asian Prince?”
Payne “He is very intelligent with ninja-like skills”
Snake “Ninja? Where?”
Payne “Both of you stop being idiots and have some party bags”
Mario “But whad about da princess? And da magic coins?”
Payne “I’m warning you fatboy, be quiet”
Mario “But da princess pixie issa in dang-“
Sound of rapid gunfire.
Sound of body slumping to the floor
Snake “He’s dead”
Payne “They all were.”
Snake “You mentalist, you blew the plumber away”
Payne “You want some sneaky boy?”
Snake “Payne?”
Payne “I’ve had it with you, you were expected here 3 months ago, why the delay?”
Snake “I had to get extras”
Payne “No excuse. Every other party has had you for months, why do I wait so long?”
Snake “Umm…”
More gunfire
Body slumps
Payne “that’s better.”
Tape stops because I’m bored and fancy a smoke.
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Mystique wrote:
> Does anyone else think that Max Payne is a bit of a sod to control on the PS2?
dunno, i ain't played it yet. but i just ordered max payne for pc for a gad prize
> Does anyone else think that Max Payne is a bit of a sod to control on the PS2?
dunno, i ain't played it yet. but i just ordered max payne for pc for a gad prize
Does anyone else think that Max Payne is a bit of a sod to control on the PS2?
Craw wrote:
> I will be one measly year younger than Goatboy.
Grr... one day I will catch
> up.
if you say so...
slik ~_~
> I will be one measly year younger than Goatboy.
Grr... one day I will catch
> up.
if you say so...
slik ~_~
I will be one measly year younger than Goatboy.
Grr... one day I will catch up.
Grr... one day I will catch up.
I know.
Tallulah wrote:
> Happy Bidet.
fanks.
> Happy Bidet.
fanks.
how old will you be,mate?
Its my real birthday in 3 days.
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