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"Microsoft X-Box: A Future Peripheral Insight. (lies. ALL LIES!!!)"

Microsoft X-Box: A Future Peripheral Insight.

An article by Dark Mark™

At a press conference today… or yesterday… or a few weeks ago… whenever… billionaire owner of Microsoft, Bill “The Bill” Gates, revealed that his company is working on various new peripherals to be used on the X-Box. Microsoft is working in conjunction with many software developers, who are currently developing games to utilise these brand new X-Box accessories and Bill is very confident that this peripheral onslaught – the release of which has yet to be confirmed – will entice many Gamecube and/or PlayStation 2 owners to shell out on Microsoft’s already bargain-priced games console. The peripherals are innovative in design, and will no doubt open many new doorways for software developers, in terms of the ideas they will now be able incorporate into their future software releases.

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Game: Halo 3: Combat Evolved Even Further
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
Developer: Bungie Studios
Players: 1 - 4

Despite the original Halo and the yet-to-be-released Halo 2 being played as first person shooters, Halo 3 will be the first in the series to be played as a lightgun game, which is where the X-Box Assault Rifle Lightgun comes into play. Halo 3 will combine the strategic and vehicle-controlling elements of the original game with the kind of exhilarating, fast-paced gameplay of, say, House of the Dead. Halo 3 will boast the best visuals ever seen on the X-Box, astounding Dolby Surround capabilities (which will enhance the atmosphere unlike any game has ever managed) and up to 4 players – each with their own gun – will be able to play simultaneously in numerous multiplayer modes; including Co-operative Mode and Quick Draw mode, where players compete for the most points by being the fastest to hit the targets that pop-up on screen.


Peripheral: Assault Rifle Lightgun

The gun includes a laser sight, a scope for sniping at faraway targets and will be available in black or camouflage. The gun will be by no means cheap, and there are still many teething problems to be ironed out before the product can be released; such as the curious flashes of light actually protruding from the gun’s muzzle, along with the TV’s being used to test the gun actually exploding and showing evidence of actual bullet damage. The idea of inserting a cork in the gun’s barrel proved to be less than wise, as this has resulted in several injuries, including severed hands… and has also resulted in the deaths of a so-far reported 12 people. There have also been accusations that Microsoft has unwittingly manufactured a working Assault Rifle and the FBI launched a full investigation concerning the project. However, they dismissed the idea when a secret stash of vodka was found in the home of one of the accusing technicians. The accusations that the vodka was planted there illegally have also been dismissed after the FBI interviewed Gates on the matter, whereupon he stated, “I didn’t do it.”

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Game: Crazy Taxi 4: Higher Roller
Publisher: SEGA Corporation / Infogrames
Developer: Hitmaker
Players: 1

Crazy Taxi 4: Higher Roller will feature all the cabbies and cities from the first 3 games (yawn) along with yet another city and yet another 4 (nearly identical) cabbies. The game remains pretty much unchanged in terms of gameplay; drive like a lunatic around your chosen city and take people to their destinations by any means popular… even if it means jumping over buildings and veering through shopping malls. IT’S CRAZY etc. Plus there’s the usual splattering of mini-games to play through, this time in the form of the Crazy Dodecahedron.


Peripheral: Crazy Hoppin’ Car Seat Thing

Ever played a Crazy Taxi game in the arcades? If you have, then you’ll no doubt agree that playing it on a home console just can’t compare with the experience of actually sitting there in the car shaped booth thing; frantically turning the steering wheel and stabbing away at the pedals with your feet (or wooden leg, whatever). But what if you could experience this kind of gaming at home? Well now you can. Manufactured specifically for Crazy Taxi 4 (and whatever “sequels” SEGA come up with in the future), the Crazy Hoppin’ Car Seat Thing does exactly what it says on the tin. It’s a car-sized peripheral - within which the player sits – containing a steering wheel and foot pedals, along with a horn (fun!), working headlights and one other rather unique feature. Crazy Taxi 2 introduced the ability to jump, Crazy Taxi 3 introduced... jack, and now the Crazy Hoppin’ Car Seat Thing introduces to actually be in the midst of the action… and that includes making your taxi jump all over the place. That’s right, Crazy Hoppin’ Car Seat Thing has a hydraulic pump mounted underneath the seat, which – when the Jump button is pressed in-game – propels the entire Crazy Hoppin’ Car Seat Thing into the air. As with the Assault Rifle Lightgun, the Crazy Hoppin’ Car Seat Thing has been deemed unsafe for use at this moment in time. Crushed skulls and huge ceiling bills are the only information Microsoft could – or would – reveal on the matter, but Bill stated that the product will be released… even if they have to pass a law stating the thing must be played outside.

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Game: Kelly Slater’s Pro Surfer 2
Publisher: Activision 02
Developer: Treyarch
Players: 1 - 2

This is yet another game in Activision’s seemingly endless onslaught of extreme sports sequels and spin-offs. Get on a surfboard, bust big tricks, dip in and out of watery tubes and test your skills against the very best surfers in the world in 10 of the most beautiful surfing spots on the planet; including Sebastian, Mavericks and Swansea Sewage Works.


Peripheral: Pro Surf & Spray Board

This accessory works in a similar way to those skateboard peripheral things you’ve seen before, except this is far more advance and truly brings surfing games into the 21st century with a… splash. The board reacts to whatever way you lean, allowing you to make precise movements when playing the game. The board also includes a keypad – which contains the X-Box buttons used to pull of tricks etc – and a unique feature. The board will also pinpoint when your character and their board land on the water, at which point it will spray water from numerous nozzles positioned around the board. This – unsurprisingly – gets you wet, which enhances the whole surfing experience. Sadly, this is yet another product that has yet to be perfected. The fact that the thing plugs into the mains combined with the water-spraying feature does not constitute as a safe product. Violently large electric shocks, off-the-scale foot blisters and mischievous sore losers “accidentally” replacing the water with sulphuric acid are just a few of the problems that need to be sorted out before the Pro Surf & Spray Board can be released for the X-Box gaming public to “enjoy”.

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Overall then, Microsoft really have come up trumps with their trio of innovative new X-Box peripherals. There were quibbles over whether or not any of the products should ever be released, as all three of them have been branded “life-threatening” by the ELSPA; who, while usually sticking to games, have in the light of the emergence of these new products deemed it necessary to start rating console peripherals to – and I quote – “save the world from the kind of painful torturous gaming that is comparable only to the horrors of Vietnam and flesh-eating earwig infestations”. Indeed.

Gah!!!

*whacks heat repeatedly on hard, wooden, high quality desk bought from Ikea*

Halo 3 as a light gun game?
bit of a bold move if you ask me

Cheers.

There, I read it.
And it was good to boot.
Took lots of my precious time though.
But it was worth it.
(probably)

YAY!!

At last I can get Kelly Slater to squirt in my face in public and not get arrested.

Oh and good post.

That was simply beauty and elegance personified.

*goes off in a daze*

Dark Mark™ wrote:

...frantically turning the steering wheel and stabbing away at the pedals with your feet (or wooden leg, whatever)...
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LOL. Good post mate ;)

(Would think of more to say, but then; that would require too much work.)

Nice post!

I don't have an XBox. Damn.

I expect nothing less of you mate, superb post as always :-)

I recon you should get an air freshener peripheral for resident evil when you go into the manky bathrooms or a tic tac peripheral to reduce the impact of zombie breath.

This is a good post?

*whisperin heard*

What did you say Mark?

*runs*

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LOL only kidding, crackin post mate lets hope Crazy Taxi 5 doesn't include a House Hopper.!!