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I'm not a woman but, like many people my age, I have a mother who is. Small wonder that I think their opinions are important. Not as important as mens' opinions, obviously, but certainly more important than kangaroos'. It was with some concern, therefore, that I read the minutes of an industry-wide seminar entitled 'Birds: what the hell do they know about computers?' Apart from numerous luminaries of the gaming industry, the seminar was attended by feminist icon Germaine Greer and the ghost of Emmeline Pankhurst. It all made for rather depressing reading:
[The scene is a dingy Soho "gentlemen's club". A tattered sign reads 'Promoting women in videogames'. Fireworks shoot sparks from the edge of the stage as scantily clad girls twirl erotically around poles. Suddenly the editor of Edge magazine enters, riding a horse. The ghost of Emmeline Pankhurst throws herself in the horse's path, but she passes straight through its hooves due to being a ghost. The editor of Edge leaps from his horse, grabs the microphone and assumes chairmanship of the seminar.]
Edge Editor: Hello! I am the editor of Edge. We take games jolly seriously, and we think women should be fairly represented and not be exploited or used for cheap thrills! Speaking of which: a big hand for our dancers! Chosen entirely on merit, I'm sure! Anyway this seminar will solve all the problems of gender and videogames, so a big hand for us too! [The applause refuses to refuse to die down. The Edge editor looks disappointed.] OK, I see that Germaine Greer has her hand up.
Germaine Greer: Mr Editor, you are a complete hypocrite. Your magazine strives to gain respect for videogames, and pays lip service to respecting women. But there are half a dozen pages of industry ads per issue: every last one of them heaving with CGI cleavage and come-hither stares. Hypocrite, I tell you!
Editor: Yes...but..well...
G G: And is it not the case that the cover of your current issue is emblazoned with a close up of a woman's crotch?
Editor: And how! Uh, I mean, there are valid sociological reasons for that picture. It was a post-modern comment on the sexism inherent in videogames. Yep, that's it.
G G: Pffft!
Editor: I now call on Jeremy Heath-Smith, President of Core Design
Jeremy Heath-Smith: Thank you. I believe that the gaming industry has been unfairly vilified by feminist groups. Core Design has pioneered strong, female characters. Lara Croft is a shining example of a female lead who is a positive role model for young women...
G G:...Pah! A shining example? A woman who shoots endangered species for fun?
J H-S: If you would let me finish. Lara Croft is a strong, independent woman. She is never scared; she only kills those animals that attack her first (or who should be extinct); and she always looks good doing it! How many modern women aspire to such qualities: bravery, lethality, a commitment to temporal causality, and nice hair? Lots - that's how many!
G G: Hah! And how many men do anything other than drool over Lara's outsized mammaries?
Bill Gates: Ah, I think I must take some of the responsibility here. You see breast size is built into DirectX versions 5 and up, and naturally all Microsoft ideas osmose into the wider gaming world.
G G: What are you talking about?
Bill: In layman's terms: small boobs are made bigger. In programmer's terms: for (breastSize=34; breastSize<44; breastSize++), and such and such.
G G: And you couldn't change that line?
Bill: No way! Uh, I mean: it would adversely affect the famed stability of Microsoft's products.
Linus Torvalds: Err...
[A shot is heard; Linus Torvalds is not]
G G: A typically male response to disagreement. Anyway, I find it highly significant that the company which created the literally neanderthal character Chuck Rock, was also responsible for the symbolically neanderthal proprtions of Lara Croft.
J H-S: Ah yes, Core Design admits to some mistakes in producing Chuck Rock.
G G: Good.
J H-S: Yes, we should have featured some scantily-clad cave girl chicks. Raquel Welch! Yeah, baby!
Editor: OK, thanks for those valuable contributions. Perhaps some bird could clean up all that blood? [Emmeline Pankhurst throws herself in front of the Edge editor, but goes straight through etc etc] Heh, I always have that effect on women! Next up: Japan! Edge loves Japan. Everything Japanese is better than everything British - scientific fact - so let's hear about women's problems out East! Mr Miyamoto, sir...
Shigeru Miyamoto: I don't know what they're all moaning about. Look at a game like Zelda, for example. Who does all the work? Link - a BOY. And who gets the game named after her, despite being useless at everything except getting kidnapped? Zelda - a GIRL.
Editor: Well that clinches it for me! Japan leads the way once again.
G G: And what about DoA: Xtreme Volleyball? Eh? A pervert's paradise if ever I saw one!
Miyamoto: Nonononono. The girls in DoA all wear swimming costumes. Like real beach volleyballers!
G G: You would be hard pressed to call some of those outfits 'swimming costumes'. Look at this picture: more like a pair of braces if you ask me. [Silence descends on the room as Germaine Greer holds up a screenshot from that pervy volleyball game. Nobody speaks for 15 minutes. Eventually Germaine Greer notices that the ambient drool level has reached her ankles, and turns to leave. Emmeline Pankhurst throws herself in front the nation's favourite feminist but...ah, you get the idea.]
Editor: Thank god for that! Bring back the dancing girls!
So there you have it: the future of girly gaming is in good hands. Or is it?
[The scene is a dingy Soho "gentlemen's club". A tattered sign reads 'Promoting women in videogames'. Fireworks shoot sparks from the edge of the stage as scantily clad girls twirl erotically around poles. Suddenly the editor of Edge magazine enters, riding a horse. The ghost of Emmeline Pankhurst throws herself in the horse's path, but she passes straight through its hooves due to being a ghost. The editor of Edge leaps from his horse, grabs the microphone and assumes chairmanship of the seminar.]
Edge Editor: Hello! I am the editor of Edge. We take games jolly seriously, and we think women should be fairly represented and not be exploited or used for cheap thrills! Speaking of which: a big hand for our dancers! Chosen entirely on merit, I'm sure! Anyway this seminar will solve all the problems of gender and videogames, so a big hand for us too! [The applause refuses to refuse to die down. The Edge editor looks disappointed.] OK, I see that Germaine Greer has her hand up.
Germaine Greer: Mr Editor, you are a complete hypocrite. Your magazine strives to gain respect for videogames, and pays lip service to respecting women. But there are half a dozen pages of industry ads per issue: every last one of them heaving with CGI cleavage and come-hither stares. Hypocrite, I tell you!
Editor: Yes...but..well...
G G: And is it not the case that the cover of your current issue is emblazoned with a close up of a woman's crotch?
Editor: And how! Uh, I mean, there are valid sociological reasons for that picture. It was a post-modern comment on the sexism inherent in videogames. Yep, that's it.
G G: Pffft!
Editor: I now call on Jeremy Heath-Smith, President of Core Design
Jeremy Heath-Smith: Thank you. I believe that the gaming industry has been unfairly vilified by feminist groups. Core Design has pioneered strong, female characters. Lara Croft is a shining example of a female lead who is a positive role model for young women...
G G:...Pah! A shining example? A woman who shoots endangered species for fun?
J H-S: If you would let me finish. Lara Croft is a strong, independent woman. She is never scared; she only kills those animals that attack her first (or who should be extinct); and she always looks good doing it! How many modern women aspire to such qualities: bravery, lethality, a commitment to temporal causality, and nice hair? Lots - that's how many!
G G: Hah! And how many men do anything other than drool over Lara's outsized mammaries?
Bill Gates: Ah, I think I must take some of the responsibility here. You see breast size is built into DirectX versions 5 and up, and naturally all Microsoft ideas osmose into the wider gaming world.
G G: What are you talking about?
Bill: In layman's terms: small boobs are made bigger. In programmer's terms: for (breastSize=34; breastSize<44; breastSize++), and such and such.
G G: And you couldn't change that line?
Bill: No way! Uh, I mean: it would adversely affect the famed stability of Microsoft's products.
Linus Torvalds: Err...
[A shot is heard; Linus Torvalds is not]
G G: A typically male response to disagreement. Anyway, I find it highly significant that the company which created the literally neanderthal character Chuck Rock, was also responsible for the symbolically neanderthal proprtions of Lara Croft.
J H-S: Ah yes, Core Design admits to some mistakes in producing Chuck Rock.
G G: Good.
J H-S: Yes, we should have featured some scantily-clad cave girl chicks. Raquel Welch! Yeah, baby!
Editor: OK, thanks for those valuable contributions. Perhaps some bird could clean up all that blood? [Emmeline Pankhurst throws herself in front of the Edge editor, but goes straight through etc etc] Heh, I always have that effect on women! Next up: Japan! Edge loves Japan. Everything Japanese is better than everything British - scientific fact - so let's hear about women's problems out East! Mr Miyamoto, sir...
Shigeru Miyamoto: I don't know what they're all moaning about. Look at a game like Zelda, for example. Who does all the work? Link - a BOY. And who gets the game named after her, despite being useless at everything except getting kidnapped? Zelda - a GIRL.
Editor: Well that clinches it for me! Japan leads the way once again.
G G: And what about DoA: Xtreme Volleyball? Eh? A pervert's paradise if ever I saw one!
Miyamoto: Nonononono. The girls in DoA all wear swimming costumes. Like real beach volleyballers!
G G: You would be hard pressed to call some of those outfits 'swimming costumes'. Look at this picture: more like a pair of braces if you ask me. [Silence descends on the room as Germaine Greer holds up a screenshot from that pervy volleyball game. Nobody speaks for 15 minutes. Eventually Germaine Greer notices that the ambient drool level has reached her ankles, and turns to leave. Emmeline Pankhurst throws herself in front the nation's favourite feminist but...ah, you get the idea.]
Editor: Thank god for that! Bring back the dancing girls!
So there you have it: the future of girly gaming is in good hands. Or is it?
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Something light hearted reading before I go to bed. Funny too which is always a bonus.
I'd never trust a bird on my computer.
They eat worms.
Never trust anything that eats worms.
They eat worms.
Never trust anything that eats worms.
Just read this, excellent piece.
That was excellently done :D
Depending where you find yourself on the weekends, some do! =X
Im so confused. It would be so much more equal if men wore makeup............................
Good stuff. I like it :-)
Never stumbled across this post before, but well done kernel.
i like germaine too
Germaine Greer?
It's not that I dislike her, I just wish she'd shut up
:^)
Great post
It's not that I dislike her, I just wish she'd shut up
:^)
Great post
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