The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Yeah, there are loads of avatars we associate with games. Lara Croft, Mario, even the long block from Tetris. But what about the characters with sparkling talent and wonderful personality just waiting to be worshipped by the gaming masses? Below are just a few of these undiscovered gems just waiting to be mercilessly pimped to all of the consoles.
1 - DONALD COX THE SWEATY FOX
As all Shooting Stars fans will know, this loveable, gin-swilling fox is the REAL rough and ready furry animal; he could take down Conker with one swing of a bottle! Taking a hold of this deep-voiced ladies' fox and assisting him in getting a sweat on would be reason enough to sell millions of units.
2 - STEVEN OFF THE COUNCIL ESTATE
Well, British games seem all the rage at the moment, so why not show our respect for the town that brought us The Beatles, The Liver Birds and Wayne Rooney with a game based around local joyrider and petty thief Steven off the coulcil estate? With great combat skills and an array of unimpressive weapons like blunt flick-knives and BB guns, he'd be an instant success!
3 - MARCUS DAVIS: IT CONSULTANT
He's tall, he's skinny, he wears glasses and he knows how to efficiently manage Excel spreadsheets! This action man has it all...the pencil behind his ear, the dirt under his fingernails, and the hair slowly creeping out of his nose and into his mouth. You can finally BE a boring office worker!
4 - MINGER (from the game MINGERS)
We've had the unattainable dream girl, the space action hero, now we have the ugly one who thinks she's "all that" and wears tight fitting clothes despite her large gut and hairy arms! We all know one; hanging around with decent looking females, spoiling the otherwise worthwhile scenery...well now you can lead scores of them to their deaths in this Lemmings-style suicide simulation! Mingers will become icons much like the Worms or indeed Lemmings were, and we'll have the added bonus of watching their stomachs jiggle as they fall off a cliff.
5 - ANGUS THE AMOEBA
You are a single cell. You can not talk, or dance, or use scissors...but you can save the world! This Scottish amoeba would be able to wriggle its way to the evil boss just like in EVER SINGLE OTHER PLATFORMER EVER MADE, with the added bonus that you don't have to fight enemies - you just have to move into them and consume them! Complete with a comedy kilt, life size cardboard Angus the Amoebas would surely sell for dozens of pounds on eBay, and be splattered all over your local games shop (get it? Splattered? Thank you, I'm here all week).
6 - CRHYSS
We all want a character with attitude, right? Well here is the most melodramatic, annoying waste of atoms in cyberspace! 14 year old Chryss Talmighty (OK, the surname might have to change) has everything - a spelling error in his name, black nail varnish and lipstick (EVEN THOUGH HE'S A BOY DUDE WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!!?!), an electric guitar, a pad full of pretencious poetry and a bottle of pills which he threatens to overdose on every time someone says anything that doesn't relate to Nine Inch Nails or witchcraft. Control Chryss as he mopes around his room, watches Crossroads and does his homework! It's a smash hit just waiting to happen!
7 - DORIS; AGEING ASSASSIN
Being a contract killer's all the rage - Grosse Point Blank (anyone pointing out how long ago this was released gets disposed of by someone wearing gloves), Agent 47...it's the thing to be right now. In fact, I'm expecting Madonna to reinvent herself as a contract killer any second. I digress...you play Doris, a seemingly innocent caterer who is in fact an assassin! Put arsenic in gruel, and hide AK-47s in cartons of Ribena as this grey haired queen of cool.
8 - BIG BROTHER
Nothing to do with the very good book 1984, or the very bad TV show Big Brother, but in fact the chance to finally live out your dreams, no matter if you're an only child or someone with a younger sibling! You are Big Brother, the bigger brother of a never ending supply of children. You may do whatever violent things you wish with your brothers and sisters, in 14 interior and 7 exterior environments! Put your baby sis in a bath and chuck a toaster in for good measure...that'll teach her for playing with her porridge! Brother listening in to your conversations? Strangle him with the phone chord and bury him in the garden! As the streetwise, psycopathic everyman, Big Brother would become a role model for kids everywhere.
9 - MR DEAD
We've got blue hedgehogs, mullet-wearing risk takers and big pink blobs...but do we have corpses? I'll pretend you conveniently ignored the likes of Nemesis and move on with the idea: you are dead! Scary, but true. And now you can roam the Earth as you see fit! Scare children, dress up and confuse Elvis fans or sneak into the girls changing rooms...it's your choice! He has the scars, the sense of humour and that element of voyeurism that we all will learn to know and love.
There you go, a baker's dozen minus 4 ideas for the gaming industry. Now all I have to do is copyright this post, wait a few years and when the games come out, watch the cash roll in.
Thanks for reading.
-El
1 - DONALD COX THE SWEATY FOX
As all Shooting Stars fans will know, this loveable, gin-swilling fox is the REAL rough and ready furry animal; he could take down Conker with one swing of a bottle! Taking a hold of this deep-voiced ladies' fox and assisting him in getting a sweat on would be reason enough to sell millions of units.
2 - STEVEN OFF THE COUNCIL ESTATE
Well, British games seem all the rage at the moment, so why not show our respect for the town that brought us The Beatles, The Liver Birds and Wayne Rooney with a game based around local joyrider and petty thief Steven off the coulcil estate? With great combat skills and an array of unimpressive weapons like blunt flick-knives and BB guns, he'd be an instant success!
3 - MARCUS DAVIS: IT CONSULTANT
He's tall, he's skinny, he wears glasses and he knows how to efficiently manage Excel spreadsheets! This action man has it all...the pencil behind his ear, the dirt under his fingernails, and the hair slowly creeping out of his nose and into his mouth. You can finally BE a boring office worker!
4 - MINGER (from the game MINGERS)
We've had the unattainable dream girl, the space action hero, now we have the ugly one who thinks she's "all that" and wears tight fitting clothes despite her large gut and hairy arms! We all know one; hanging around with decent looking females, spoiling the otherwise worthwhile scenery...well now you can lead scores of them to their deaths in this Lemmings-style suicide simulation! Mingers will become icons much like the Worms or indeed Lemmings were, and we'll have the added bonus of watching their stomachs jiggle as they fall off a cliff.
5 - ANGUS THE AMOEBA
You are a single cell. You can not talk, or dance, or use scissors...but you can save the world! This Scottish amoeba would be able to wriggle its way to the evil boss just like in EVER SINGLE OTHER PLATFORMER EVER MADE, with the added bonus that you don't have to fight enemies - you just have to move into them and consume them! Complete with a comedy kilt, life size cardboard Angus the Amoebas would surely sell for dozens of pounds on eBay, and be splattered all over your local games shop (get it? Splattered? Thank you, I'm here all week).
6 - CRHYSS
We all want a character with attitude, right? Well here is the most melodramatic, annoying waste of atoms in cyberspace! 14 year old Chryss Talmighty (OK, the surname might have to change) has everything - a spelling error in his name, black nail varnish and lipstick (EVEN THOUGH HE'S A BOY DUDE WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!!?!), an electric guitar, a pad full of pretencious poetry and a bottle of pills which he threatens to overdose on every time someone says anything that doesn't relate to Nine Inch Nails or witchcraft. Control Chryss as he mopes around his room, watches Crossroads and does his homework! It's a smash hit just waiting to happen!
7 - DORIS; AGEING ASSASSIN
Being a contract killer's all the rage - Grosse Point Blank (anyone pointing out how long ago this was released gets disposed of by someone wearing gloves), Agent 47...it's the thing to be right now. In fact, I'm expecting Madonna to reinvent herself as a contract killer any second. I digress...you play Doris, a seemingly innocent caterer who is in fact an assassin! Put arsenic in gruel, and hide AK-47s in cartons of Ribena as this grey haired queen of cool.
8 - BIG BROTHER
Nothing to do with the very good book 1984, or the very bad TV show Big Brother, but in fact the chance to finally live out your dreams, no matter if you're an only child or someone with a younger sibling! You are Big Brother, the bigger brother of a never ending supply of children. You may do whatever violent things you wish with your brothers and sisters, in 14 interior and 7 exterior environments! Put your baby sis in a bath and chuck a toaster in for good measure...that'll teach her for playing with her porridge! Brother listening in to your conversations? Strangle him with the phone chord and bury him in the garden! As the streetwise, psycopathic everyman, Big Brother would become a role model for kids everywhere.
9 - MR DEAD
We've got blue hedgehogs, mullet-wearing risk takers and big pink blobs...but do we have corpses? I'll pretend you conveniently ignored the likes of Nemesis and move on with the idea: you are dead! Scary, but true. And now you can roam the Earth as you see fit! Scare children, dress up and confuse Elvis fans or sneak into the girls changing rooms...it's your choice! He has the scars, the sense of humour and that element of voyeurism that we all will learn to know and love.
There you go, a baker's dozen minus 4 ideas for the gaming industry. Now all I have to do is copyright this post, wait a few years and when the games come out, watch the cash roll in.
Thanks for reading.
-El
Thanks. Anyone else got any views?
Good post El Blokey. All those ideas were genuinely brilliant!!
Yeah, there are loads of avatars we associate with games. Lara Croft, Mario, even the long block from Tetris. But what about the characters with sparkling talent and wonderful personality just waiting to be worshipped by the gaming masses? Below are just a few of these undiscovered gems just waiting to be mercilessly pimped to all of the consoles.
1 - DONALD COX THE SWEATY FOX
As all Shooting Stars fans will know, this loveable, gin-swilling fox is the REAL rough and ready furry animal; he could take down Conker with one swing of a bottle! Taking a hold of this deep-voiced ladies' fox and assisting him in getting a sweat on would be reason enough to sell millions of units.
2 - STEVEN OFF THE COUNCIL ESTATE
Well, British games seem all the rage at the moment, so why not show our respect for the town that brought us The Beatles, The Liver Birds and Wayne Rooney with a game based around local joyrider and petty thief Steven off the coulcil estate? With great combat skills and an array of unimpressive weapons like blunt flick-knives and BB guns, he'd be an instant success!
3 - MARCUS DAVIS: IT CONSULTANT
He's tall, he's skinny, he wears glasses and he knows how to efficiently manage Excel spreadsheets! This action man has it all...the pencil behind his ear, the dirt under his fingernails, and the hair slowly creeping out of his nose and into his mouth. You can finally BE a boring office worker!
4 - MINGER (from the game MINGERS)
We've had the unattainable dream girl, the space action hero, now we have the ugly one who thinks she's "all that" and wears tight fitting clothes despite her large gut and hairy arms! We all know one; hanging around with decent looking females, spoiling the otherwise worthwhile scenery...well now you can lead scores of them to their deaths in this Lemmings-style suicide simulation! Mingers will become icons much like the Worms or indeed Lemmings were, and we'll have the added bonus of watching their stomachs jiggle as they fall off a cliff.
5 - ANGUS THE AMOEBA
You are a single cell. You can not talk, or dance, or use scissors...but you can save the world! This Scottish amoeba would be able to wriggle its way to the evil boss just like in EVER SINGLE OTHER PLATFORMER EVER MADE, with the added bonus that you don't have to fight enemies - you just have to move into them and consume them! Complete with a comedy kilt, life size cardboard Angus the Amoebas would surely sell for dozens of pounds on eBay, and be splattered all over your local games shop (get it? Splattered? Thank you, I'm here all week).
6 - CRHYSS
We all want a character with attitude, right? Well here is the most melodramatic, annoying waste of atoms in cyberspace! 14 year old Chryss Talmighty (OK, the surname might have to change) has everything - a spelling error in his name, black nail varnish and lipstick (EVEN THOUGH HE'S A BOY DUDE WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!!?!), an electric guitar, a pad full of pretencious poetry and a bottle of pills which he threatens to overdose on every time someone says anything that doesn't relate to Nine Inch Nails or witchcraft. Control Chryss as he mopes around his room, watches Crossroads and does his homework! It's a smash hit just waiting to happen!
7 - DORIS; AGEING ASSASSIN
Being a contract killer's all the rage - Grosse Point Blank (anyone pointing out how long ago this was released gets disposed of by someone wearing gloves), Agent 47...it's the thing to be right now. In fact, I'm expecting Madonna to reinvent herself as a contract killer any second. I digress...you play Doris, a seemingly innocent caterer who is in fact an assassin! Put arsenic in gruel, and hide AK-47s in cartons of Ribena as this grey haired queen of cool.
8 - BIG BROTHER
Nothing to do with the very good book 1984, or the very bad TV show Big Brother, but in fact the chance to finally live out your dreams, no matter if you're an only child or someone with a younger sibling! You are Big Brother, the bigger brother of a never ending supply of children. You may do whatever violent things you wish with your brothers and sisters, in 14 interior and 7 exterior environments! Put your baby sis in a bath and chuck a toaster in for good measure...that'll teach her for playing with her porridge! Brother listening in to your conversations? Strangle him with the phone chord and bury him in the garden! As the streetwise, psycopathic everyman, Big Brother would become a role model for kids everywhere.
9 - MR DEAD
We've got blue hedgehogs, mullet-wearing risk takers and big pink blobs...but do we have corpses? I'll pretend you conveniently ignored the likes of Nemesis and move on with the idea: you are dead! Scary, but true. And now you can roam the Earth as you see fit! Scare children, dress up and confuse Elvis fans or sneak into the girls changing rooms...it's your choice! He has the scars, the sense of humour and that element of voyeurism that we all will learn to know and love.
There you go, a baker's dozen minus 4 ideas for the gaming industry. Now all I have to do is copyright this post, wait a few years and when the games come out, watch the cash roll in.
Thanks for reading.
-El
1 - DONALD COX THE SWEATY FOX
As all Shooting Stars fans will know, this loveable, gin-swilling fox is the REAL rough and ready furry animal; he could take down Conker with one swing of a bottle! Taking a hold of this deep-voiced ladies' fox and assisting him in getting a sweat on would be reason enough to sell millions of units.
2 - STEVEN OFF THE COUNCIL ESTATE
Well, British games seem all the rage at the moment, so why not show our respect for the town that brought us The Beatles, The Liver Birds and Wayne Rooney with a game based around local joyrider and petty thief Steven off the coulcil estate? With great combat skills and an array of unimpressive weapons like blunt flick-knives and BB guns, he'd be an instant success!
3 - MARCUS DAVIS: IT CONSULTANT
He's tall, he's skinny, he wears glasses and he knows how to efficiently manage Excel spreadsheets! This action man has it all...the pencil behind his ear, the dirt under his fingernails, and the hair slowly creeping out of his nose and into his mouth. You can finally BE a boring office worker!
4 - MINGER (from the game MINGERS)
We've had the unattainable dream girl, the space action hero, now we have the ugly one who thinks she's "all that" and wears tight fitting clothes despite her large gut and hairy arms! We all know one; hanging around with decent looking females, spoiling the otherwise worthwhile scenery...well now you can lead scores of them to their deaths in this Lemmings-style suicide simulation! Mingers will become icons much like the Worms or indeed Lemmings were, and we'll have the added bonus of watching their stomachs jiggle as they fall off a cliff.
5 - ANGUS THE AMOEBA
You are a single cell. You can not talk, or dance, or use scissors...but you can save the world! This Scottish amoeba would be able to wriggle its way to the evil boss just like in EVER SINGLE OTHER PLATFORMER EVER MADE, with the added bonus that you don't have to fight enemies - you just have to move into them and consume them! Complete with a comedy kilt, life size cardboard Angus the Amoebas would surely sell for dozens of pounds on eBay, and be splattered all over your local games shop (get it? Splattered? Thank you, I'm here all week).
6 - CRHYSS
We all want a character with attitude, right? Well here is the most melodramatic, annoying waste of atoms in cyberspace! 14 year old Chryss Talmighty (OK, the surname might have to change) has everything - a spelling error in his name, black nail varnish and lipstick (EVEN THOUGH HE'S A BOY DUDE WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!!?!), an electric guitar, a pad full of pretencious poetry and a bottle of pills which he threatens to overdose on every time someone says anything that doesn't relate to Nine Inch Nails or witchcraft. Control Chryss as he mopes around his room, watches Crossroads and does his homework! It's a smash hit just waiting to happen!
7 - DORIS; AGEING ASSASSIN
Being a contract killer's all the rage - Grosse Point Blank (anyone pointing out how long ago this was released gets disposed of by someone wearing gloves), Agent 47...it's the thing to be right now. In fact, I'm expecting Madonna to reinvent herself as a contract killer any second. I digress...you play Doris, a seemingly innocent caterer who is in fact an assassin! Put arsenic in gruel, and hide AK-47s in cartons of Ribena as this grey haired queen of cool.
8 - BIG BROTHER
Nothing to do with the very good book 1984, or the very bad TV show Big Brother, but in fact the chance to finally live out your dreams, no matter if you're an only child or someone with a younger sibling! You are Big Brother, the bigger brother of a never ending supply of children. You may do whatever violent things you wish with your brothers and sisters, in 14 interior and 7 exterior environments! Put your baby sis in a bath and chuck a toaster in for good measure...that'll teach her for playing with her porridge! Brother listening in to your conversations? Strangle him with the phone chord and bury him in the garden! As the streetwise, psycopathic everyman, Big Brother would become a role model for kids everywhere.
9 - MR DEAD
We've got blue hedgehogs, mullet-wearing risk takers and big pink blobs...but do we have corpses? I'll pretend you conveniently ignored the likes of Nemesis and move on with the idea: you are dead! Scary, but true. And now you can roam the Earth as you see fit! Scare children, dress up and confuse Elvis fans or sneak into the girls changing rooms...it's your choice! He has the scars, the sense of humour and that element of voyeurism that we all will learn to know and love.
There you go, a baker's dozen minus 4 ideas for the gaming industry. Now all I have to do is copyright this post, wait a few years and when the games come out, watch the cash roll in.
Thanks for reading.
-El