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Phone advice lines, usually only found in questionable adverts at the back of “special” magazines and cost a £1 a minute. However, Capcom apparently think a help line is needed for Resi Zero, just in case your kids take this 18 rated game too seriously and need to hear a recorded voice tell them everything is okay. Blatantly obvious PR stunt accusations aside, maybe there’s some other phone help lines gamers could do with.
i) “Yes, you are a clever boy”
I know how annoying this is from personal experience. You’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get a really good high score, or complete a really difficult part of the game. Then, joy! You’ve done it! You need someone to celebrate with and share the happiness. If you’d got a good mark in an exam, a promotion at work or passed your driving test all sorts of people would want to share in your joy, but not with video games. Girl friends are still huffing because you’ve ignored then for “that bloody machine” for the past twenty hours, family are huffing as you’ve missed Aunt Mildred’s 90th… and 91st to get in some more practice. We need a line to tell us how clever we are. How special our score is and, oh, aren’t we proud of that worthwhile achievement and productive use of time.
ii) “YOU’RE CONSOLE IS THE BEST – EVERYONE ELSE IS THE STUPID!!!”
Just think how much nicer the internet would be with this. Currently fanboys clog up message boards and chat rooms with rants about how great their console is and how rubbish all the rest are. The first ten times having a mildly amusing argument with the zealot maybe fun, hey, we were all young and naive once. What we need is a number they can call to agree with them a lot. Why waste time reading all that abuse you get for some bizarre reason on the internet when you tell people how great your X-Station 2003? You can just ring up that helpful number and the “cool” and “rad” guy on the other end will understand your garbled words and strange lack of punctuation. He knows you’re right and isn’t afraid to tell you how stupid everyone else obviously is. Hell, he probably knows all sorts of cool stuff about SK8N, rawkin out and wrestling too!
iii) The other “it’s only a game” line
So Resi is so gosh darned scary you might need reminded it’s only a game – but surly this is of use in lots of other places too! How many times have you been so wound up and angry because of a stupidly hard jump you have to make, or because the other drivers are obviously cheating to catch up with you? Millions? Me too! I’ve broke perfectly good glasses, controllers and game disks because I got so angry I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. You know that Incredible Hulk? He wasn’t involved in any chemical accident in his laboratory, he just got round the last bend on Mario Kart when a turtle shell hit him and made him finish 4th instead of 1st one time too many. We need a line to calm these people down. Some nice, soothing music and a reminder that it doesn’t really matter. You know, they’re only games, just for fun. This wouldn’t be anything like the patronising way people you know say it, the phone line would understand your anger. However, this just might result in more broken phones than controllers. Well, at least then you can get back to the game without any bothersome intrusions.
iv) The “witty retort” advice line
With the take off of on-line gaming, this line is all the more essential. We’ve all been beaten at computer games by friends, no matter how good we are, and the victorious buddy will always rub your nose in it. I don’t know what worse, the friend who beats you through superior skill at ISS or the newbie who hammered the buttons for 90 seconds to beat you 2-0 at Super Street Fighter. In either case, you just don’t know what to say. You are obviously better at games, but how can you express this fact in words without sounding like a sore looser? You need help – and it’s at hand. The “witty retort” line will give you the reply that not only reminds everyone of your amazing gaming skills, but will have people wishing they could wield the English language as skilfully as you. Put people back in their place and sound cool while doing it – that’s the key. The line even provides a discrete SMS service for when you just can’t get away and it’ll even spell the big words foe-net-ic-ally.
v) The “Lara Croft/game girl in general isn’t real”
A special service provided by the “it’s only a game” people. Computer games largely appeal to young, adolescent boys – the exact same people who have just decided girls don’t smell, aren’t full of germs and may be worthy of a little more attention. Who can blame them if all those games sold on the basis of their shapely and sparsely clothed characters? It’s natural to have a healthy interest in the opposite sex… but here, they’re a collection of pixels. Granted, a specially arranged bunch of pixels, but still not real. We need to remind our confused youth that too much “quality time” spent with these electronically generated fictions can’t take over their real life relationships. We’ve got the future of a species to think about here. Who wants our ancestors in 3303 to hear about the great breading famine of 2010? We need a good, strong manly voice to remind them no matter how much that controller rumbles, you still need a real girl. One that has three dimensions and no sharp edges, though she probably won’t want to run around killing wolves in hot pants, take up nude BMXing or play breach volley ball in a skimpy swim suit on even the hottest British summer’s day.
Maybe with the money BT makes from these lines we can convince them to roll out more ADSL services, get us gaming on an international scale. Oh, which makes me think of another much needed line…
vi) “She’s a he, and probably not 36-24-36”
Internet chatrooms, a great place to meet like minded people. They’ve also explained why I find it so hard to find any hot, single ladies out on a Saturday night – they are all at home, on the internet talking to some lucky, lucky guys. I mean, as soon as you log on to one of these rooms there’s suddenly ten young, attractive girls trying to get your attention. They want to tell you all sorts of stuff – what colour their underwear is, all their measurements, what they did with their girly friends last night etc etc. What a treat! EXCEPT NO! It’s a middle aged, balding, 40 stone guy from Worksop. Or is it? It would be so cool if she was a girl and she really is going to send me that video… NO! We need a stern reminder when reality and fiction is clouded by a modem. A phone line that is like a cold shower, and reminds us of the evil of chat rooms and generally any kind of communication where we can’t see the other person. With Microsoft providing voice cloaking software with their communicator, this line is all the more important.
i) “Yes, you are a clever boy”
I know how annoying this is from personal experience. You’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get a really good high score, or complete a really difficult part of the game. Then, joy! You’ve done it! You need someone to celebrate with and share the happiness. If you’d got a good mark in an exam, a promotion at work or passed your driving test all sorts of people would want to share in your joy, but not with video games. Girl friends are still huffing because you’ve ignored then for “that bloody machine” for the past twenty hours, family are huffing as you’ve missed Aunt Mildred’s 90th… and 91st to get in some more practice. We need a line to tell us how clever we are. How special our score is and, oh, aren’t we proud of that worthwhile achievement and productive use of time.
ii) “YOU’RE CONSOLE IS THE BEST – EVERYONE ELSE IS THE STUPID!!!”
Just think how much nicer the internet would be with this. Currently fanboys clog up message boards and chat rooms with rants about how great their console is and how rubbish all the rest are. The first ten times having a mildly amusing argument with the zealot maybe fun, hey, we were all young and naive once. What we need is a number they can call to agree with them a lot. Why waste time reading all that abuse you get for some bizarre reason on the internet when you tell people how great your X-Station 2003? You can just ring up that helpful number and the “cool” and “rad” guy on the other end will understand your garbled words and strange lack of punctuation. He knows you’re right and isn’t afraid to tell you how stupid everyone else obviously is. Hell, he probably knows all sorts of cool stuff about SK8N, rawkin out and wrestling too!
iii) The other “it’s only a game” line
So Resi is so gosh darned scary you might need reminded it’s only a game – but surly this is of use in lots of other places too! How many times have you been so wound up and angry because of a stupidly hard jump you have to make, or because the other drivers are obviously cheating to catch up with you? Millions? Me too! I’ve broke perfectly good glasses, controllers and game disks because I got so angry I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. You know that Incredible Hulk? He wasn’t involved in any chemical accident in his laboratory, he just got round the last bend on Mario Kart when a turtle shell hit him and made him finish 4th instead of 1st one time too many. We need a line to calm these people down. Some nice, soothing music and a reminder that it doesn’t really matter. You know, they’re only games, just for fun. This wouldn’t be anything like the patronising way people you know say it, the phone line would understand your anger. However, this just might result in more broken phones than controllers. Well, at least then you can get back to the game without any bothersome intrusions.
iv) The “witty retort” advice line
With the take off of on-line gaming, this line is all the more essential. We’ve all been beaten at computer games by friends, no matter how good we are, and the victorious buddy will always rub your nose in it. I don’t know what worse, the friend who beats you through superior skill at ISS or the newbie who hammered the buttons for 90 seconds to beat you 2-0 at Super Street Fighter. In either case, you just don’t know what to say. You are obviously better at games, but how can you express this fact in words without sounding like a sore looser? You need help – and it’s at hand. The “witty retort” line will give you the reply that not only reminds everyone of your amazing gaming skills, but will have people wishing they could wield the English language as skilfully as you. Put people back in their place and sound cool while doing it – that’s the key. The line even provides a discrete SMS service for when you just can’t get away and it’ll even spell the big words foe-net-ic-ally.
v) The “Lara Croft/game girl in general isn’t real”
A special service provided by the “it’s only a game” people. Computer games largely appeal to young, adolescent boys – the exact same people who have just decided girls don’t smell, aren’t full of germs and may be worthy of a little more attention. Who can blame them if all those games sold on the basis of their shapely and sparsely clothed characters? It’s natural to have a healthy interest in the opposite sex… but here, they’re a collection of pixels. Granted, a specially arranged bunch of pixels, but still not real. We need to remind our confused youth that too much “quality time” spent with these electronically generated fictions can’t take over their real life relationships. We’ve got the future of a species to think about here. Who wants our ancestors in 3303 to hear about the great breading famine of 2010? We need a good, strong manly voice to remind them no matter how much that controller rumbles, you still need a real girl. One that has three dimensions and no sharp edges, though she probably won’t want to run around killing wolves in hot pants, take up nude BMXing or play breach volley ball in a skimpy swim suit on even the hottest British summer’s day.
Maybe with the money BT makes from these lines we can convince them to roll out more ADSL services, get us gaming on an international scale. Oh, which makes me think of another much needed line…
vi) “She’s a he, and probably not 36-24-36”
Internet chatrooms, a great place to meet like minded people. They’ve also explained why I find it so hard to find any hot, single ladies out on a Saturday night – they are all at home, on the internet talking to some lucky, lucky guys. I mean, as soon as you log on to one of these rooms there’s suddenly ten young, attractive girls trying to get your attention. They want to tell you all sorts of stuff – what colour their underwear is, all their measurements, what they did with their girly friends last night etc etc. What a treat! EXCEPT NO! It’s a middle aged, balding, 40 stone guy from Worksop. Or is it? It would be so cool if she was a girl and she really is going to send me that video… NO! We need a stern reminder when reality and fiction is clouded by a modem. A phone line that is like a cold shower, and reminds us of the evil of chat rooms and generally any kind of communication where we can’t see the other person. With Microsoft providing voice cloaking software with their communicator, this line is all the more important.
Hey hey, something funny.
*Points*
*Chuckles*
*Points*
*Chuckles*
Brillant post, a very funny and clever read mate :-)
Phone advice lines, usually only found in questionable adverts at the back of “special” magazines and cost a £1 a minute. However, Capcom apparently think a help line is needed for Resi Zero, just in case your kids take this 18 rated game too seriously and need to hear a recorded voice tell them everything is okay. Blatantly obvious PR stunt accusations aside, maybe there’s some other phone help lines gamers could do with.
i) “Yes, you are a clever boy”
I know how annoying this is from personal experience. You’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get a really good high score, or complete a really difficult part of the game. Then, joy! You’ve done it! You need someone to celebrate with and share the happiness. If you’d got a good mark in an exam, a promotion at work or passed your driving test all sorts of people would want to share in your joy, but not with video games. Girl friends are still huffing because you’ve ignored then for “that bloody machine” for the past twenty hours, family are huffing as you’ve missed Aunt Mildred’s 90th… and 91st to get in some more practice. We need a line to tell us how clever we are. How special our score is and, oh, aren’t we proud of that worthwhile achievement and productive use of time.
ii) “YOU’RE CONSOLE IS THE BEST – EVERYONE ELSE IS THE STUPID!!!”
Just think how much nicer the internet would be with this. Currently fanboys clog up message boards and chat rooms with rants about how great their console is and how rubbish all the rest are. The first ten times having a mildly amusing argument with the zealot maybe fun, hey, we were all young and naive once. What we need is a number they can call to agree with them a lot. Why waste time reading all that abuse you get for some bizarre reason on the internet when you tell people how great your X-Station 2003? You can just ring up that helpful number and the “cool” and “rad” guy on the other end will understand your garbled words and strange lack of punctuation. He knows you’re right and isn’t afraid to tell you how stupid everyone else obviously is. Hell, he probably knows all sorts of cool stuff about SK8N, rawkin out and wrestling too!
iii) The other “it’s only a game” line
So Resi is so gosh darned scary you might need reminded it’s only a game – but surly this is of use in lots of other places too! How many times have you been so wound up and angry because of a stupidly hard jump you have to make, or because the other drivers are obviously cheating to catch up with you? Millions? Me too! I’ve broke perfectly good glasses, controllers and game disks because I got so angry I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. You know that Incredible Hulk? He wasn’t involved in any chemical accident in his laboratory, he just got round the last bend on Mario Kart when a turtle shell hit him and made him finish 4th instead of 1st one time too many. We need a line to calm these people down. Some nice, soothing music and a reminder that it doesn’t really matter. You know, they’re only games, just for fun. This wouldn’t be anything like the patronising way people you know say it, the phone line would understand your anger. However, this just might result in more broken phones than controllers. Well, at least then you can get back to the game without any bothersome intrusions.
iv) The “witty retort” advice line
With the take off of on-line gaming, this line is all the more essential. We’ve all been beaten at computer games by friends, no matter how good we are, and the victorious buddy will always rub your nose in it. I don’t know what worse, the friend who beats you through superior skill at ISS or the newbie who hammered the buttons for 90 seconds to beat you 2-0 at Super Street Fighter. In either case, you just don’t know what to say. You are obviously better at games, but how can you express this fact in words without sounding like a sore looser? You need help – and it’s at hand. The “witty retort” line will give you the reply that not only reminds everyone of your amazing gaming skills, but will have people wishing they could wield the English language as skilfully as you. Put people back in their place and sound cool while doing it – that’s the key. The line even provides a discrete SMS service for when you just can’t get away and it’ll even spell the big words foe-net-ic-ally.
v) The “Lara Croft/game girl in general isn’t real”
A special service provided by the “it’s only a game” people. Computer games largely appeal to young, adolescent boys – the exact same people who have just decided girls don’t smell, aren’t full of germs and may be worthy of a little more attention. Who can blame them if all those games sold on the basis of their shapely and sparsely clothed characters? It’s natural to have a healthy interest in the opposite sex… but here, they’re a collection of pixels. Granted, a specially arranged bunch of pixels, but still not real. We need to remind our confused youth that too much “quality time” spent with these electronically generated fictions can’t take over their real life relationships. We’ve got the future of a species to think about here. Who wants our ancestors in 3303 to hear about the great breading famine of 2010? We need a good, strong manly voice to remind them no matter how much that controller rumbles, you still need a real girl. One that has three dimensions and no sharp edges, though she probably won’t want to run around killing wolves in hot pants, take up nude BMXing or play breach volley ball in a skimpy swim suit on even the hottest British summer’s day.
Maybe with the money BT makes from these lines we can convince them to roll out more ADSL services, get us gaming on an international scale. Oh, which makes me think of another much needed line…
vi) “She’s a he, and probably not 36-24-36”
Internet chatrooms, a great place to meet like minded people. They’ve also explained why I find it so hard to find any hot, single ladies out on a Saturday night – they are all at home, on the internet talking to some lucky, lucky guys. I mean, as soon as you log on to one of these rooms there’s suddenly ten young, attractive girls trying to get your attention. They want to tell you all sorts of stuff – what colour their underwear is, all their measurements, what they did with their girly friends last night etc etc. What a treat! EXCEPT NO! It’s a middle aged, balding, 40 stone guy from Worksop. Or is it? It would be so cool if she was a girl and she really is going to send me that video… NO! We need a stern reminder when reality and fiction is clouded by a modem. A phone line that is like a cold shower, and reminds us of the evil of chat rooms and generally any kind of communication where we can’t see the other person. With Microsoft providing voice cloaking software with their communicator, this line is all the more important.
i) “Yes, you are a clever boy”
I know how annoying this is from personal experience. You’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get a really good high score, or complete a really difficult part of the game. Then, joy! You’ve done it! You need someone to celebrate with and share the happiness. If you’d got a good mark in an exam, a promotion at work or passed your driving test all sorts of people would want to share in your joy, but not with video games. Girl friends are still huffing because you’ve ignored then for “that bloody machine” for the past twenty hours, family are huffing as you’ve missed Aunt Mildred’s 90th… and 91st to get in some more practice. We need a line to tell us how clever we are. How special our score is and, oh, aren’t we proud of that worthwhile achievement and productive use of time.
ii) “YOU’RE CONSOLE IS THE BEST – EVERYONE ELSE IS THE STUPID!!!”
Just think how much nicer the internet would be with this. Currently fanboys clog up message boards and chat rooms with rants about how great their console is and how rubbish all the rest are. The first ten times having a mildly amusing argument with the zealot maybe fun, hey, we were all young and naive once. What we need is a number they can call to agree with them a lot. Why waste time reading all that abuse you get for some bizarre reason on the internet when you tell people how great your X-Station 2003? You can just ring up that helpful number and the “cool” and “rad” guy on the other end will understand your garbled words and strange lack of punctuation. He knows you’re right and isn’t afraid to tell you how stupid everyone else obviously is. Hell, he probably knows all sorts of cool stuff about SK8N, rawkin out and wrestling too!
iii) The other “it’s only a game” line
So Resi is so gosh darned scary you might need reminded it’s only a game – but surly this is of use in lots of other places too! How many times have you been so wound up and angry because of a stupidly hard jump you have to make, or because the other drivers are obviously cheating to catch up with you? Millions? Me too! I’ve broke perfectly good glasses, controllers and game disks because I got so angry I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. You know that Incredible Hulk? He wasn’t involved in any chemical accident in his laboratory, he just got round the last bend on Mario Kart when a turtle shell hit him and made him finish 4th instead of 1st one time too many. We need a line to calm these people down. Some nice, soothing music and a reminder that it doesn’t really matter. You know, they’re only games, just for fun. This wouldn’t be anything like the patronising way people you know say it, the phone line would understand your anger. However, this just might result in more broken phones than controllers. Well, at least then you can get back to the game without any bothersome intrusions.
iv) The “witty retort” advice line
With the take off of on-line gaming, this line is all the more essential. We’ve all been beaten at computer games by friends, no matter how good we are, and the victorious buddy will always rub your nose in it. I don’t know what worse, the friend who beats you through superior skill at ISS or the newbie who hammered the buttons for 90 seconds to beat you 2-0 at Super Street Fighter. In either case, you just don’t know what to say. You are obviously better at games, but how can you express this fact in words without sounding like a sore looser? You need help – and it’s at hand. The “witty retort” line will give you the reply that not only reminds everyone of your amazing gaming skills, but will have people wishing they could wield the English language as skilfully as you. Put people back in their place and sound cool while doing it – that’s the key. The line even provides a discrete SMS service for when you just can’t get away and it’ll even spell the big words foe-net-ic-ally.
v) The “Lara Croft/game girl in general isn’t real”
A special service provided by the “it’s only a game” people. Computer games largely appeal to young, adolescent boys – the exact same people who have just decided girls don’t smell, aren’t full of germs and may be worthy of a little more attention. Who can blame them if all those games sold on the basis of their shapely and sparsely clothed characters? It’s natural to have a healthy interest in the opposite sex… but here, they’re a collection of pixels. Granted, a specially arranged bunch of pixels, but still not real. We need to remind our confused youth that too much “quality time” spent with these electronically generated fictions can’t take over their real life relationships. We’ve got the future of a species to think about here. Who wants our ancestors in 3303 to hear about the great breading famine of 2010? We need a good, strong manly voice to remind them no matter how much that controller rumbles, you still need a real girl. One that has three dimensions and no sharp edges, though she probably won’t want to run around killing wolves in hot pants, take up nude BMXing or play breach volley ball in a skimpy swim suit on even the hottest British summer’s day.
Maybe with the money BT makes from these lines we can convince them to roll out more ADSL services, get us gaming on an international scale. Oh, which makes me think of another much needed line…
vi) “She’s a he, and probably not 36-24-36”
Internet chatrooms, a great place to meet like minded people. They’ve also explained why I find it so hard to find any hot, single ladies out on a Saturday night – they are all at home, on the internet talking to some lucky, lucky guys. I mean, as soon as you log on to one of these rooms there’s suddenly ten young, attractive girls trying to get your attention. They want to tell you all sorts of stuff – what colour their underwear is, all their measurements, what they did with their girly friends last night etc etc. What a treat! EXCEPT NO! It’s a middle aged, balding, 40 stone guy from Worksop. Or is it? It would be so cool if she was a girl and she really is going to send me that video… NO! We need a stern reminder when reality and fiction is clouded by a modem. A phone line that is like a cold shower, and reminds us of the evil of chat rooms and generally any kind of communication where we can’t see the other person. With Microsoft providing voice cloaking software with their communicator, this line is all the more important.