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"Uncle Sonic"

New GBA games aside, our favourite blue hedgehog hasn't been up to much. However, I stumbled across a magazine in my local newsagents whilst buying some Xcite chewing gum to try and stop the dogs from escaping my stomach, and who should be the residing agony uncle? None other than Sonic! Here's the 'Ask Uncle Sonic' page.

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Dear Sonic,
I am in a perilous situation. My sink is leaking like nobody’s business but neither of the local plumbers will ever come round – there’s always some wacky excuse, be it a kidnapping or theft. Please help: the whole of the Mushroom Kingdom will soon be drowned!
Yours, Toad in Peril.

Well Toad, I think that what you have to do is clear – to get these plumber’s attentions you must kidnap one of them, or possibly steal some stars. Build an elaborate mansion around your leaky faucet, complete with portals. Those plumbers will come running.

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Dear Sonic,
Nobody takes me seriously. I have outstanding academic credentials; numerous articles written about my adventures…even a feature length film. However, no matter how high I can jump, how fast I can run, quickly I can do a forward roll, all I am remembered for are my breasts and buttocks. Any ideas?
Yours, WonderWoman in Wimbledon

Well WonderWoman, I too was in your position once. Famous for who I worked for, not who I was. However, hard work and determination are not the only ingredients for succeeding in this particular field…you have to believe YOURSELF, you must know in your own mind that you are not just ‘that girl with the huge knockers’. Only then will the wolf whistles stop, and the nods of acknowledgement arrive.

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Dear Sonic,
I’m feeling down. Not too long ago I was on top of the world. Popular, good looking, getting loads of female attention. Now I am suffering from a terrible self image. People are teasing me mercilessly…you see, I underwent somewhat of an image change, and it seems to have backfired. Some like my new look, but their attentions are somewhat undesirable. You know the sort – glasses, hairy hands. Help!
Yours, Panicking Pointy Ears

Pointy Ears, are you the same person inside? Is it still you underneath the new hairstyle, different clothes? If so, then the people who shun you because of this new image are the undesirable ones. Your true friends and admirers like you for who you are, not who you seem to be…no matter how hairy their hands are.

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Dear Sonic,
I am conflicted. All of a sudden I have been thrust into the limelight, yet I feel like a caged animal. All these people taking pictures of me, scrabbling to get a piece of me – I love the attention, but it seems that nobody can get close to me, nor me to them. I want to take advantage of my newfound celebrity, before it’s too late. As a washed up former star yourself, surely you can help?
Yours, Super Monkey In A Ball

Well, my spherical simian friend, it seems here we have quite the conundrum. I know how you feel; to this day I regret turning down a fortnight of wild passion with Carmen Elektra (from Baywatch) in the Bahamas to concentrate on my animation series…but perhaps, in the grand scheme of things, there was a reason I didn’t go. She probably would have dumped me anyway, and then I would have been heartbroken, and thrown myself off a cliff. See? Whereas here I am now, writing my own Agony Aunt column…and thanks to the internet, I can see Carmen Elektra naked whenever I want to! I know you feel trapped, but this ‘cage’ is there for a reason, subconscious or literal. Some day you’ll figure it all out.

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Dear Sonic,
I have been the victim of racism. I know that in this enlightened day and age we would like to believe that racism doesn’t happen…but it does. People in all walks of life, children, old people, people who’ve never even seen me before, are making jokes at my expense, because of my colour. I’m “too dark”. Well I’m sorry, but some of us are just born difference. If you don’t like it, nobody’s forcing you to be my friend, right? But alas, the pressure is too much. I’ve put myself in some spanky new threads, and have installed a lamp inside my head to make me lighter. Is this wrong? Am I denying my true heritage?
Yours, G. B. Advanced

Mr Advanced, prejudice is an ugly thing. Almost as ugly as Luke Chadwick…but not quite. I digress. Mr Advanced, it is, as I said to WonderWoman above, a matter of self image. Do you feel better in this new ‘case’? Are you more confident, more outgoing? If so, then fine. If your parents have no problem with it, you are not shunning your true origins. However, if you feel that you are living a lie that’s probably a sign that you’re not really happy. Perhaps you like being dark? The mystical allure of it all might be to tempting to resist. Stick with it for a while, and if you still feel conflicted, maybe you should go back to where you started.

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Thanks for reading. First one to get all the (fairly obvious) real identities of the letter writers wins my 'Hero of the 17th March 2003' award.*

*May be a cheap trick to get replies

It also has nothing to do with sonic...

gerrid wrote:
> Shouldn't this be in the Sega Forum?

No, as it concerns several different games characters.

And Vanquish, yes. It's Link.

Shouldn't this be in the Sega Forum?

Pointy Ears, eh?
It's not Link is it...?

Hmmm.
Wait, dammit.
I can't remember the name.....

I'll wait until tomorrow to reveal them all, unless someone else gets them all right...

Its me *jigs*

WHo is the pointy eared person?

Kyz22 wrote:
> *May also be shamelessly popping his post

I thought that was inferred, in a jokey way...:-\

Thanks :-D

Bah, you know what I meant.

:P