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Beat This For A Good Story
A MEDIUM SIZE PLAY ON WORDS!
POD CAN FLY!
ACT 1
SCENE 1
SETTING: Hermit the crab is sitting in a bar, heavily induced with alcohol, whilst quoting some of his favourite Shakespearean literature. Tittlewitty the greebe enters, stage left.
Hermit: Atom by atom, molecular being!
Tittlewitty: For heavens sake man, what on earth are you doing?
Hermit: I’m quoting some of my favourite Shakespearean lines, what does it look like. And by the way, did you know that the verb for quoting something, is quoth.
Tittlewitty looks mightily confused, and is forced to hand craft a donna kebab. After doing so, he finally replies.
Tittlewitty: No its not! It is quota.
SCENE 2
SETTING: Hermit and Tittlewitty arrive at their 3 star B&B, only to find that it has been ramsacked by thieves.
Hermit: Arhhhhhh!
Tittlewitty: Sweet Babylon! what the hell happened here?
Whilst Tittlewitty was saying this, Hermit has wandered over to the fridge, desperately looking for a message, crudely written in fridge-magnet letters. He finds a letter on the sofa. He reads it out aloud, almost scaring Tittlewitty out of his flaked skin.
Hermit: 20p off selected items of Kellogs rice crispy cakes.
Tittlewitty: Well, some good news for once.
Hermit turns the token over.
Hermit: If you want to see your belloved poodle again, I suggest you meet me by the bridge at 12pm, sharp.
Tittlewitty: Nooooooo! My precious doggy! What ever will I do? Ahh well, at least we can still go for that nice rice crispy cake they promised me.
Hermit squints, just so that he can see the tiny lettering on the bottom of the token
Hermit: Real value 0.000000001p, do not accept this token if it has been teared, photocopied, or writ upon.
Hermit looks up upon the now tearful Tittlewitty.
Tittlewitty: Nooooooooo!
Fade to Black.
Scene 3
SETTING: Tittlewitty and Hermit are standing in a queue in a grocery store. A strange bespectacled undertaker scratches his back.
Undertaker: I have a query. Anyway, must press on.
Undertaker leaves shop and is knocked clean over by a scamp on a tricycle.
Undertaker: (Slowly) G-L-A-D......E-Y-E
The shot returns to the store
Tittlewitty: Can you tell me how much this bottle of molten glass (still warm to the touch) will set me back?
Charley Brown: To whom are you talking to?
Charley Brown #2: You mean ‘who is it you are talking to’.
Charley Brown: No.
Tittlewitty: You!
Scene 4
SETTING: Tittlewitty and Hermit are hanging from a tree, feeling very, very dissapointed. Tittlewitty looks directly into the sun, but looks away quickish.
Tittlewitty: The sun is looking decidedly blue today...
Hermit: Really, how do you know that for certain?
Tittlewitty: Because after the show "Dumbo," there was a special announcement on the T.V saying that the sun was feeling blue today.
Hermit begins to sing loudly; it is a sea shanty and Tittlewitty falls from the tree.
Tittlewitty: More....please..go..on
Hermit: The sea is green,
How green it be,
The waves roll on,
Roll on for me...
Tittlewitty: Now be quiet.
Scene 5
SETTING: The missing poodle and the masked kidnapper, are drinking really hot grit tea....from a well.
Kidnapper: I feel well.
Drum beat in the background. Poodle looks scared.
Kidnapper: (Evilly) Ha ha ha... ...ha.
Kidnapper gets covered in grease from the sewer.
Kidnapper: Arhhhh! it was a sewer, not a well!
Pause
Kidnapper: Poodle, I don’t feel well.
Pod enters stage left
Pod: The contraption is neally ready sire.
Kidnapper: (Evilly) Ha ha ha... ...ha.
Kidnapper again gets covered in grease from the sewer.
Act 2
SCENE 1
SETTING: Hermit and Tittlewitty are in a pub. A loud Rock’n’roll band play noise in the corner.
Hermit: By golly! they’re mightily loud, are they not.
Tittlewitty: What?
Hermit: By golly, they’re mightily loud, are they not.
Tittlewitty: A nightly toad is loaded with what?
Hermit: Now come on, its loud, but its not hot, the door’s wide open.
Tittlewitty: What do you mean ‘The floor’s dried Tolkein’?
Hermit: I can’t understand you, but you sound abit drunk.
Tittlewitty: No! Now’s not the time for you getting drunk!
Hermit: Him in the corner looks like he’s wearing a dress. Snigger.
Tittlewitty: Ha! Look at that guy in the corner! He’s wearing a girly dress!
Hermit: I knew a girls address once.
Tittlewitty: You’re right he is a bit of a ponce.
Hermit: Let’s leave this pub.
Tittlewitty: I can’t see a pub!
Hermit leaves the pub, stage left.
Tittlewitty: I’m deafened.
The band stop playing but the noise continues. Tittlewitty falls down dead.
Scene 2
SETTING: Tittlewitty is being rushed into hospital, being followed closely by Hermit.
Doctor: He’s not breathing!
Trainee Doctor: Ahhhh.
Tittlewitty coughs
Doctor: My mistake
Trainee Doctor: Ahhhh
Tittlewitty awakes, feeling abit confused.
Tittlewitty: What happened
Doctor: You died, you’re a very lucky greebe
Tittlewitty: All I need is my puppy. Then I’ll live.
He slips into a coma
Kenn Dodd enters stage left
Kenn Dodd: Its a craaaker
Kenn Dodd leaves through a trapdoor in the stage.
Doctor turns to Hermit
Doctor: That’ll be 150 euros please
Hermit flees, pursued by a SWAT team.
SCENE: 3
SETTING: Hermit stands panting in an alley-way. The SWAT team a running in the wrong direction using blind guide dogs.
Hermit: Phew!
Hermit is visited by a ghost of Tittlewitty.
Tittlewitty’s Ghost: I shake my gory locks at thee!
Hermit flees, pursued by ghosts of SWAT team who are believed to have been eaten by their dogs.
SCENE 4
SETTING: A Black tunnel
Hermit: Don’t you ever wonder why we’ve bred a generation of children with absolutely no imagination?
Pod: No
Hermit: So, we meet again.
Pod: I have eaten your delicious poodle
Tittlewitty: Noooooo!
Tittlewitty bites off Pod’s head, and Pod falls to the ground beheaded, and dead. From the carcass, Poodle jumps out, covered in mucus.
Tittlewitty: Yeah! doggie, your alive
And with that Tittlewitty came back from his coma, and lived a glorious life
Everybody: Happy happy, joy joy
And what about the Masked Kidnapper, well it was Mother Goose.
THE END.
And the moral of the story is, well, too many leeches, spoil the broth.
Or How About This
A Tale Of Grit Tea
The Story of Moral Dilemma
Once beyond a time stood a sorcerer named Porsul-Beet. Daily, as he trudged through his forest he came across a diner owned by a soldier, one Foodage Gumboot. Gumboot was a mean man with no time for anyone who didn't know his name. He had vast riches but did not share them with a soul.
On this particular day Porsul-Beet decided to enter the diner as he was feeling decidedly fatigued and had developed a sizeable thirst. Upon entering he found the drinks to be nastily overpriced for a man of so little means. Knowing that Gumboot would not allow him a free beverage he cried:
"Allow me to show you how to make a cup of tea using only water and this here grit off of the ground!"
Foodage Gumboot was in fair mood and was interested in this intriguing offer. Thinking only of the possibilities of his own financial gain he followed Porsul-Beet's directions eagerly.
Porsul-Beet instructed him to boil a little grit in some monsoon water. Just as it reached boiling temperature he offered to taste it to see if the tea was ready.
Sipping the liquid from a silver spoon he announced the tea to be a great success.
"But what it really needs, just to finish it off, is some tea leaves to give it a little more flavour." Foodage Gumboot tramped off to get some from his pantry.
After adding the tea leaves and allowing a little while for the flavour to infuse Porsul-Beet took another sip.
"That's excellent grit tea if ever I did taste it. With a tea as fine as this it's a shame not to add a little milk." Carried along with the mood of the occasion, Foodage Gumboot again limped to his kitchen to fetch the aforementioned dairy produce. As the milk was added Porsul-Beet had another taste.
"I've never tasted a finer cup of grit tea!" he declared. "As we've gone to all this trouble we might as well add a teaspoon of sugar for good taste."
Foodage added some cane sugar and poured each of them a cup. Well of course Porsul-Beet glugged his nice warm tea and smiled smugly knowing that he had tricked the grumpy soldier into giving him a free drink. When Foodage Gumboot tried his tea he spat it out and some of the tea fell upon Porsul-Beet. Of course this turned him to stone.
"Raagh! I hate tea with grit in it!" Screamed the old soldier. And of course, he carted the stone sorcerer out of the diner and sold him to gypsies for a small fortune.
The End-
The moral of the story being 'You can never drink too much tea.'
I bet no-one will read these, but fool them
A MEDIUM SIZE PLAY ON WORDS!
POD CAN FLY!
ACT 1
SCENE 1
SETTING: Hermit the crab is sitting in a bar, heavily induced with alcohol, whilst quoting some of his favourite Shakespearean literature. Tittlewitty the greebe enters, stage left.
Hermit: Atom by atom, molecular being!
Tittlewitty: For heavens sake man, what on earth are you doing?
Hermit: I’m quoting some of my favourite Shakespearean lines, what does it look like. And by the way, did you know that the verb for quoting something, is quoth.
Tittlewitty looks mightily confused, and is forced to hand craft a donna kebab. After doing so, he finally replies.
Tittlewitty: No its not! It is quota.
SCENE 2
SETTING: Hermit and Tittlewitty arrive at their 3 star B&B, only to find that it has been ramsacked by thieves.
Hermit: Arhhhhhh!
Tittlewitty: Sweet Babylon! what the hell happened here?
Whilst Tittlewitty was saying this, Hermit has wandered over to the fridge, desperately looking for a message, crudely written in fridge-magnet letters. He finds a letter on the sofa. He reads it out aloud, almost scaring Tittlewitty out of his flaked skin.
Hermit: 20p off selected items of Kellogs rice crispy cakes.
Tittlewitty: Well, some good news for once.
Hermit turns the token over.
Hermit: If you want to see your belloved poodle again, I suggest you meet me by the bridge at 12pm, sharp.
Tittlewitty: Nooooooo! My precious doggy! What ever will I do? Ahh well, at least we can still go for that nice rice crispy cake they promised me.
Hermit squints, just so that he can see the tiny lettering on the bottom of the token
Hermit: Real value 0.000000001p, do not accept this token if it has been teared, photocopied, or writ upon.
Hermit looks up upon the now tearful Tittlewitty.
Tittlewitty: Nooooooooo!
Fade to Black.
Scene 3
SETTING: Tittlewitty and Hermit are standing in a queue in a grocery store. A strange bespectacled undertaker scratches his back.
Undertaker: I have a query. Anyway, must press on.
Undertaker leaves shop and is knocked clean over by a scamp on a tricycle.
Undertaker: (Slowly) G-L-A-D......E-Y-E
The shot returns to the store
Tittlewitty: Can you tell me how much this bottle of molten glass (still warm to the touch) will set me back?
Charley Brown: To whom are you talking to?
Charley Brown #2: You mean ‘who is it you are talking to’.
Charley Brown: No.
Tittlewitty: You!
Scene 4
SETTING: Tittlewitty and Hermit are hanging from a tree, feeling very, very dissapointed. Tittlewitty looks directly into the sun, but looks away quickish.
Tittlewitty: The sun is looking decidedly blue today...
Hermit: Really, how do you know that for certain?
Tittlewitty: Because after the show "Dumbo," there was a special announcement on the T.V saying that the sun was feeling blue today.
Hermit begins to sing loudly; it is a sea shanty and Tittlewitty falls from the tree.
Tittlewitty: More....please..go..on
Hermit: The sea is green,
How green it be,
The waves roll on,
Roll on for me...
Tittlewitty: Now be quiet.
Scene 5
SETTING: The missing poodle and the masked kidnapper, are drinking really hot grit tea....from a well.
Kidnapper: I feel well.
Drum beat in the background. Poodle looks scared.
Kidnapper: (Evilly) Ha ha ha... ...ha.
Kidnapper gets covered in grease from the sewer.
Kidnapper: Arhhhh! it was a sewer, not a well!
Pause
Kidnapper: Poodle, I don’t feel well.
Pod enters stage left
Pod: The contraption is neally ready sire.
Kidnapper: (Evilly) Ha ha ha... ...ha.
Kidnapper again gets covered in grease from the sewer.
Act 2
SCENE 1
SETTING: Hermit and Tittlewitty are in a pub. A loud Rock’n’roll band play noise in the corner.
Hermit: By golly! they’re mightily loud, are they not.
Tittlewitty: What?
Hermit: By golly, they’re mightily loud, are they not.
Tittlewitty: A nightly toad is loaded with what?
Hermit: Now come on, its loud, but its not hot, the door’s wide open.
Tittlewitty: What do you mean ‘The floor’s dried Tolkein’?
Hermit: I can’t understand you, but you sound abit drunk.
Tittlewitty: No! Now’s not the time for you getting drunk!
Hermit: Him in the corner looks like he’s wearing a dress. Snigger.
Tittlewitty: Ha! Look at that guy in the corner! He’s wearing a girly dress!
Hermit: I knew a girls address once.
Tittlewitty: You’re right he is a bit of a ponce.
Hermit: Let’s leave this pub.
Tittlewitty: I can’t see a pub!
Hermit leaves the pub, stage left.
Tittlewitty: I’m deafened.
The band stop playing but the noise continues. Tittlewitty falls down dead.
Scene 2
SETTING: Tittlewitty is being rushed into hospital, being followed closely by Hermit.
Doctor: He’s not breathing!
Trainee Doctor: Ahhhh.
Tittlewitty coughs
Doctor: My mistake
Trainee Doctor: Ahhhh
Tittlewitty awakes, feeling abit confused.
Tittlewitty: What happened
Doctor: You died, you’re a very lucky greebe
Tittlewitty: All I need is my puppy. Then I’ll live.
He slips into a coma
Kenn Dodd enters stage left
Kenn Dodd: Its a craaaker
Kenn Dodd leaves through a trapdoor in the stage.
Doctor turns to Hermit
Doctor: That’ll be 150 euros please
Hermit flees, pursued by a SWAT team.
SCENE: 3
SETTING: Hermit stands panting in an alley-way. The SWAT team a running in the wrong direction using blind guide dogs.
Hermit: Phew!
Hermit is visited by a ghost of Tittlewitty.
Tittlewitty’s Ghost: I shake my gory locks at thee!
Hermit flees, pursued by ghosts of SWAT team who are believed to have been eaten by their dogs.
SCENE 4
SETTING: A Black tunnel
Hermit: Don’t you ever wonder why we’ve bred a generation of children with absolutely no imagination?
Pod: No
Hermit: So, we meet again.
Pod: I have eaten your delicious poodle
Tittlewitty: Noooooo!
Tittlewitty bites off Pod’s head, and Pod falls to the ground beheaded, and dead. From the carcass, Poodle jumps out, covered in mucus.
Tittlewitty: Yeah! doggie, your alive
And with that Tittlewitty came back from his coma, and lived a glorious life
Everybody: Happy happy, joy joy
And what about the Masked Kidnapper, well it was Mother Goose.
THE END.
And the moral of the story is, well, too many leeches, spoil the broth.
Or How About This
A Tale Of Grit Tea
The Story of Moral Dilemma
Once beyond a time stood a sorcerer named Porsul-Beet. Daily, as he trudged through his forest he came across a diner owned by a soldier, one Foodage Gumboot. Gumboot was a mean man with no time for anyone who didn't know his name. He had vast riches but did not share them with a soul.
On this particular day Porsul-Beet decided to enter the diner as he was feeling decidedly fatigued and had developed a sizeable thirst. Upon entering he found the drinks to be nastily overpriced for a man of so little means. Knowing that Gumboot would not allow him a free beverage he cried:
"Allow me to show you how to make a cup of tea using only water and this here grit off of the ground!"
Foodage Gumboot was in fair mood and was interested in this intriguing offer. Thinking only of the possibilities of his own financial gain he followed Porsul-Beet's directions eagerly.
Porsul-Beet instructed him to boil a little grit in some monsoon water. Just as it reached boiling temperature he offered to taste it to see if the tea was ready.
Sipping the liquid from a silver spoon he announced the tea to be a great success.
"But what it really needs, just to finish it off, is some tea leaves to give it a little more flavour." Foodage Gumboot tramped off to get some from his pantry.
After adding the tea leaves and allowing a little while for the flavour to infuse Porsul-Beet took another sip.
"That's excellent grit tea if ever I did taste it. With a tea as fine as this it's a shame not to add a little milk." Carried along with the mood of the occasion, Foodage Gumboot again limped to his kitchen to fetch the aforementioned dairy produce. As the milk was added Porsul-Beet had another taste.
"I've never tasted a finer cup of grit tea!" he declared. "As we've gone to all this trouble we might as well add a teaspoon of sugar for good taste."
Foodage added some cane sugar and poured each of them a cup. Well of course Porsul-Beet glugged his nice warm tea and smiled smugly knowing that he had tricked the grumpy soldier into giving him a free drink. When Foodage Gumboot tried his tea he spat it out and some of the tea fell upon Porsul-Beet. Of course this turned him to stone.
"Raagh! I hate tea with grit in it!" Screamed the old soldier. And of course, he carted the stone sorcerer out of the diner and sold him to gypsies for a small fortune.
The End-
The moral of the story being 'You can never drink too much tea.'
I bet no-one will read these, but fool them
Page:
o(^_^)o wrote:
> Final fantasy Hero wrote:
> Hey y dont u all quit being nobs and leave him
> alone, i doubt you could do
> anything better.
Ooooh, someones first day
> heh? I really can't make fun of you cos of my 'I hate it here' post but; I
> wouldn't use such language as the 'n' word (people get banned for it believe
> me).
You do realize, he's probbibly gonna get banned annyway
> Final fantasy Hero wrote:
> Hey y dont u all quit being nobs and leave him
> alone, i doubt you could do
> anything better.
Ooooh, someones first day
> heh? I really can't make fun of you cos of my 'I hate it here' post but; I
> wouldn't use such language as the 'n' word (people get banned for it believe
> me).
You do realize, he's probbibly gonna get banned annyway
Final fantasy Hero wrote:
> Hey y dont u all quit being nobs and leave him alone, i doubt you could do
> anything better.
Ooooh, someones first day heh? I really can't make fun of you cos of my 'I hate it here' post but; I wouldn't use such language as the 'n' word (people get banned for it believe me).
> Hey y dont u all quit being nobs and leave him alone, i doubt you could do
> anything better.
Ooooh, someones first day heh? I really can't make fun of you cos of my 'I hate it here' post but; I wouldn't use such language as the 'n' word (people get banned for it believe me).
Final fantasy Hero wrote:
> Hey y dont u all quit being nobs and leave him alone, i doubt you could do
> anything better.
(rampant applause somewhere in the background)
Finally, someone who dose'nt just put people down all the time
Thankyou FFH
> Hey y dont u all quit being nobs and leave him alone, i doubt you could do
> anything better.
(rampant applause somewhere in the background)
Finally, someone who dose'nt just put people down all the time
Thankyou FFH
Tiltawhirl wrote:
> I'm sorry, but what the heck is this supposed to be?
I.....Dont Know
(Sob)
Why is everybody taking the rip out of me, what have I done to you, it was my birthday on Friday
> I'm sorry, but what the heck is this supposed to be?
I.....Dont Know
(Sob)
Why is everybody taking the rip out of me, what have I done to you, it was my birthday on Friday
I'm sorry, but what the heck is this supposed to be?
Reload wrote:
> Wrambo wrote:
> (sigh) sorry.
(A*****e)
tut tut tut
Such language
> is unacceptable! No GADs for you for a VERY long
> time!
mwuahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
what about that guy in "for the sake of mankind"
annyway Reload, can't we just be freinds.
> Wrambo wrote:
> (sigh) sorry.
(A*****e)
tut tut tut
Such language
> is unacceptable! No GADs for you for a VERY long
> time!
mwuahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
what about that guy in "for the sake of mankind"
annyway Reload, can't we just be freinds.
Wrambo wrote:
> (sigh) sorry.
(A*****e)
tut tut tut
Such language is unacceptable! No GADs for you for a VERY long time!
mwuahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> (sigh) sorry.
(A*****e)
tut tut tut
Such language is unacceptable! No GADs for you for a VERY long time!
mwuahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
(sigh) sorry.
Page: