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(I tried to think of a really clever or imaginative title, but failed :S)
The video games industry is pretty darn huge these days, but what if sales fall drastically in the future, as people start to get bored with wasting their lives in front of a flickering television, and eventually, video games disappear completely.
Alas, all good things must come to an end and we’d get to enjoy the outside world once in a while, but what would happen to all those jobless video game protagonists? I guess they’d have to make a living elsewhere…
MARIO: The world’s most famous video game character and a graduate from the Brooklyn University of Plumbing would suffer hugely from the demise of video games. He’d have to go from one controversial industry to an even more controversial one…porn.
He has all the credentials for it; the adult entertainment style moustache, the dandy overalls, the soft velvet gloves and of course, a huge "plumbers helper", so Mario could be quite successful as a porn star. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it to put bread on the table. The Dead of Alive girls will also be looking for work, so Mario could be quids in if he persuades them to join him in his new line of business.
SAMUS: Samus, the coolest bounty hunter since Robert De Niro in the Midnight Run, enjoys cruising around the galaxy apprehending all kinds of extraterrestrial scum and getting into adventures, but if games disappeared she’d most likely be forced into a simple run-of-the-mill office job in an insurance agency. When there, instead of encountering baddie aliens and the like, she’d endure non-stop innuendo from oafs with bad breath, cutthroat battles for promotion, malicious backstabbing e-mails from rival workers and all the regular goings-on in a typical office environment. But, I guess if she gets tired of her ignorant co-workers, she could always blast them away with her arm-mounted gun, roll up into a little ball and speed away into the sunset and be a kind of technologically enhanced hobo.
SOLID SNAKE: We’ve already seen the hilarious happenings that can occur if you place a tough-as-nails undercover cop in with a group of infants in the barrel of mirth that is Kindergarten Cop, so seeing action hero extraordinaire Solid Snake sticking out like an Arnie style sore thumb would be great.
With no more video game missions to endure, Snake would embark on his toughest assignment yet…taking a class of unruly kindergarten kids.
He could read books about bears that go shopping to snot-nosed children and teach them a number of important lessons in literacy, mathematics, defusing bombs, snapping enemy necks, hiding in cardboard boxes, plus he’d also find time to use his special missions training to sort out the disruptive pupils with his own brand of whoop-ass, “look kid, I’ve killed thousands of men in all kinds of crazy ways, do you think I’d have any qualms about giving you an after school detention?”
He’d probably be fired for gross misconduct in his first day, but what the heck.
Soldier of Fortune star John Mullins would also be a welcome disciplinarian in an unruly school, “look kid, take that damn crayon out of your mouth or I’ll blow you to pieces with my big shotgun, grr!”
DONKEY KONG: Naked jungle adventurer DK likes nothing more than to parade around his leafy lair on the look out for bananas, but he doesn’t seem to have realised that he could get a shed load of bananas with less hassle from the local supermarket if he earned a bit of cash. So how could a monkey earn money? By being an organ grinders monkey of course. Donkey Kong could use his underused dancing skills to dance for his supper with a craggy old organ grinder churning out whimsical tunes. I doubt there’d be much money in the organ grinder’s monkey career sector, so DK may be forced elsewhere…
LINK: Throughout his many excellent adventures, it is an established fact that Link has always loved the warmth and comfort of fine silk tights to aid him in his quests. In fact, he’s the biggest male advocate of tights since Robin Hood decided to shock his merry men by slipping on some green stockings in Sherwood Forest. With Link’s tights fetish in mind, the one career he’d be perfectly suited to would be a ‘male leg model’. Being a male leg model would basically consist of showing off his well-toned legs for male tights advertising purposes and parading around looking gay on TV adverts. David Beckham will no doubt have pioneered the male tights trend before Link gets his chance though.
GEORGE STOBBART: Good old American tourist, investigator, nosey-parker and all-round nice guy Mr. Stobbart is undoubtedly one of my favourite video game characters because he’s such a sardonic smarty pants. With his wry witticisms and often sarcastic sense of humour he would make a great stand-up comedian if he no longer had video game capers to go on. He wouldn’t have to change much either, as pointing out life’s many foibles is his comedic trademark and wearing his dapper green blazer could add to his funny appearance.
Okay, so he’s not in Eddie Murphy’s outrageous fast-talking swear-fest league, but he's still a funny guy.
MAX PAYNE: In his game job, Max is an ex-cop on the edge who clears the streets of scum with graceful but violent gunfire showdowns. His is certainly not a very pleasant existence with all the shooting, police hassle, drug problems and family traumas, so Max needs a sharp change in career: Ice-cream man!
Yes, Max Payne has gone from man on the edge to Mr. Whippy, driving about delivering frozen milky goodness to children in his ice-cream van-o-fun. Gone is the slow-motion gunfire and in comes the slow-motion driving as Max tootles about the neighbourhood being friendly.
SONIC: Not that Sonic had a career in the first place, unless you call "annoying spiky blue adventurer" a career, which you don’t. Nevertheless, with his tremendous speed and rough spines, he’d be ideal as a sewer clearing operative, or in simple terms, a drain cleaner. Speedy Sonic can whiz down the sewers and unblock even the most packed drainpipe and he’s even more effective than Dyno-Rod. He might get slightly grubby, but his blue spines are fairly waxy, so wouldn’t be too badly pooh-stained.
TUROK: Turok spends most of his time killing giant dinosaurs with his vast array of over the top weaponry, but if he had to give up that satisfying day job of Dinosaur Hunter, he might be forced into a complete u-turn. Yes, instead of killing animals for no apparent reason, Turok would make a career out of caring for them as a Dr. Dolittle style zookeeper. He’d scrub filthy elephants, feed bananas to little chimps, clean out the llama enclosures, and visit Donkey Kong (if DK’s organ grinder’s monkey career doesn’t take off that is). Although he’d pretend to enjoy being friendly to the animals, deep down Turok would like nothing less than to decorate the zoo with their guts.
LARA CROFT: Come on people, you don’t need me to point out what made Lara Croft so “big”. If she couldn’t do her video game adventuring anymore it would be a dead cert that she’d take up some kind of modelling job. So now instead of playing the games and pretending the appeal is not because of her baps, you can just stare away to your hearts content without justifying the ogling by pretending you’re playing a game.
RYO HAZUKI: Whilst the star of the Marmite-esque Shenmue (you either love it or hate it) never actually had a career, unless you call crate stacker a career, but what sort of job would fit in with the pedestrian pace of the Shenmue world? Paint drying supervisor of course!
Instead of trotting about Hong Kong and Japan buying little plastic toys, feeding kittens and talking to total strangers, Ryo spends his hours watching paint dry, which some might say is more interesting depending on your point of view.
Well there you go, I’m sure there’s plenty more characters which I haven’t thought of who’d have crazy careers outside of video gamedom, so knock yourselves out :)
The video games industry is pretty darn huge these days, but what if sales fall drastically in the future, as people start to get bored with wasting their lives in front of a flickering television, and eventually, video games disappear completely.
Alas, all good things must come to an end and we’d get to enjoy the outside world once in a while, but what would happen to all those jobless video game protagonists? I guess they’d have to make a living elsewhere…
MARIO: The world’s most famous video game character and a graduate from the Brooklyn University of Plumbing would suffer hugely from the demise of video games. He’d have to go from one controversial industry to an even more controversial one…porn.
He has all the credentials for it; the adult entertainment style moustache, the dandy overalls, the soft velvet gloves and of course, a huge "plumbers helper", so Mario could be quite successful as a porn star. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it to put bread on the table. The Dead of Alive girls will also be looking for work, so Mario could be quids in if he persuades them to join him in his new line of business.
SAMUS: Samus, the coolest bounty hunter since Robert De Niro in the Midnight Run, enjoys cruising around the galaxy apprehending all kinds of extraterrestrial scum and getting into adventures, but if games disappeared she’d most likely be forced into a simple run-of-the-mill office job in an insurance agency. When there, instead of encountering baddie aliens and the like, she’d endure non-stop innuendo from oafs with bad breath, cutthroat battles for promotion, malicious backstabbing e-mails from rival workers and all the regular goings-on in a typical office environment. But, I guess if she gets tired of her ignorant co-workers, she could always blast them away with her arm-mounted gun, roll up into a little ball and speed away into the sunset and be a kind of technologically enhanced hobo.
SOLID SNAKE: We’ve already seen the hilarious happenings that can occur if you place a tough-as-nails undercover cop in with a group of infants in the barrel of mirth that is Kindergarten Cop, so seeing action hero extraordinaire Solid Snake sticking out like an Arnie style sore thumb would be great.
With no more video game missions to endure, Snake would embark on his toughest assignment yet…taking a class of unruly kindergarten kids.
He could read books about bears that go shopping to snot-nosed children and teach them a number of important lessons in literacy, mathematics, defusing bombs, snapping enemy necks, hiding in cardboard boxes, plus he’d also find time to use his special missions training to sort out the disruptive pupils with his own brand of whoop-ass, “look kid, I’ve killed thousands of men in all kinds of crazy ways, do you think I’d have any qualms about giving you an after school detention?”
He’d probably be fired for gross misconduct in his first day, but what the heck.
Soldier of Fortune star John Mullins would also be a welcome disciplinarian in an unruly school, “look kid, take that damn crayon out of your mouth or I’ll blow you to pieces with my big shotgun, grr!”
DONKEY KONG: Naked jungle adventurer DK likes nothing more than to parade around his leafy lair on the look out for bananas, but he doesn’t seem to have realised that he could get a shed load of bananas with less hassle from the local supermarket if he earned a bit of cash. So how could a monkey earn money? By being an organ grinders monkey of course. Donkey Kong could use his underused dancing skills to dance for his supper with a craggy old organ grinder churning out whimsical tunes. I doubt there’d be much money in the organ grinder’s monkey career sector, so DK may be forced elsewhere…
LINK: Throughout his many excellent adventures, it is an established fact that Link has always loved the warmth and comfort of fine silk tights to aid him in his quests. In fact, he’s the biggest male advocate of tights since Robin Hood decided to shock his merry men by slipping on some green stockings in Sherwood Forest. With Link’s tights fetish in mind, the one career he’d be perfectly suited to would be a ‘male leg model’. Being a male leg model would basically consist of showing off his well-toned legs for male tights advertising purposes and parading around looking gay on TV adverts. David Beckham will no doubt have pioneered the male tights trend before Link gets his chance though.
GEORGE STOBBART: Good old American tourist, investigator, nosey-parker and all-round nice guy Mr. Stobbart is undoubtedly one of my favourite video game characters because he’s such a sardonic smarty pants. With his wry witticisms and often sarcastic sense of humour he would make a great stand-up comedian if he no longer had video game capers to go on. He wouldn’t have to change much either, as pointing out life’s many foibles is his comedic trademark and wearing his dapper green blazer could add to his funny appearance.
Okay, so he’s not in Eddie Murphy’s outrageous fast-talking swear-fest league, but he's still a funny guy.
MAX PAYNE: In his game job, Max is an ex-cop on the edge who clears the streets of scum with graceful but violent gunfire showdowns. His is certainly not a very pleasant existence with all the shooting, police hassle, drug problems and family traumas, so Max needs a sharp change in career: Ice-cream man!
Yes, Max Payne has gone from man on the edge to Mr. Whippy, driving about delivering frozen milky goodness to children in his ice-cream van-o-fun. Gone is the slow-motion gunfire and in comes the slow-motion driving as Max tootles about the neighbourhood being friendly.
SONIC: Not that Sonic had a career in the first place, unless you call "annoying spiky blue adventurer" a career, which you don’t. Nevertheless, with his tremendous speed and rough spines, he’d be ideal as a sewer clearing operative, or in simple terms, a drain cleaner. Speedy Sonic can whiz down the sewers and unblock even the most packed drainpipe and he’s even more effective than Dyno-Rod. He might get slightly grubby, but his blue spines are fairly waxy, so wouldn’t be too badly pooh-stained.
TUROK: Turok spends most of his time killing giant dinosaurs with his vast array of over the top weaponry, but if he had to give up that satisfying day job of Dinosaur Hunter, he might be forced into a complete u-turn. Yes, instead of killing animals for no apparent reason, Turok would make a career out of caring for them as a Dr. Dolittle style zookeeper. He’d scrub filthy elephants, feed bananas to little chimps, clean out the llama enclosures, and visit Donkey Kong (if DK’s organ grinder’s monkey career doesn’t take off that is). Although he’d pretend to enjoy being friendly to the animals, deep down Turok would like nothing less than to decorate the zoo with their guts.
LARA CROFT: Come on people, you don’t need me to point out what made Lara Croft so “big”. If she couldn’t do her video game adventuring anymore it would be a dead cert that she’d take up some kind of modelling job. So now instead of playing the games and pretending the appeal is not because of her baps, you can just stare away to your hearts content without justifying the ogling by pretending you’re playing a game.
RYO HAZUKI: Whilst the star of the Marmite-esque Shenmue (you either love it or hate it) never actually had a career, unless you call crate stacker a career, but what sort of job would fit in with the pedestrian pace of the Shenmue world? Paint drying supervisor of course!
Instead of trotting about Hong Kong and Japan buying little plastic toys, feeding kittens and talking to total strangers, Ryo spends his hours watching paint dry, which some might say is more interesting depending on your point of view.
Well there you go, I’m sure there’s plenty more characters which I haven’t thought of who’d have crazy careers outside of video gamedom, so knock yourselves out :)
Where am I on your list of game characters?
nice win mate and your post was exellent a++++++++++
Very good post, well done mate...one thing, I do call crate stacker a career. I loved driving that fork lift.
A much needed *pop*
I smell a gad!
(and its going the other way!(only joking this deserves a gad!))
(and its going the other way!(only joking this deserves a gad!))
(I tried to think of a really clever or imaginative title, but failed :S)
The video games industry is pretty darn huge these days, but what if sales fall drastically in the future, as people start to get bored with wasting their lives in front of a flickering television, and eventually, video games disappear completely.
Alas, all good things must come to an end and we’d get to enjoy the outside world once in a while, but what would happen to all those jobless video game protagonists? I guess they’d have to make a living elsewhere…
MARIO: The world’s most famous video game character and a graduate from the Brooklyn University of Plumbing would suffer hugely from the demise of video games. He’d have to go from one controversial industry to an even more controversial one…porn.
He has all the credentials for it; the adult entertainment style moustache, the dandy overalls, the soft velvet gloves and of course, a huge "plumbers helper", so Mario could be quite successful as a porn star. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it to put bread on the table. The Dead of Alive girls will also be looking for work, so Mario could be quids in if he persuades them to join him in his new line of business.
SAMUS: Samus, the coolest bounty hunter since Robert De Niro in the Midnight Run, enjoys cruising around the galaxy apprehending all kinds of extraterrestrial scum and getting into adventures, but if games disappeared she’d most likely be forced into a simple run-of-the-mill office job in an insurance agency. When there, instead of encountering baddie aliens and the like, she’d endure non-stop innuendo from oafs with bad breath, cutthroat battles for promotion, malicious backstabbing e-mails from rival workers and all the regular goings-on in a typical office environment. But, I guess if she gets tired of her ignorant co-workers, she could always blast them away with her arm-mounted gun, roll up into a little ball and speed away into the sunset and be a kind of technologically enhanced hobo.
SOLID SNAKE: We’ve already seen the hilarious happenings that can occur if you place a tough-as-nails undercover cop in with a group of infants in the barrel of mirth that is Kindergarten Cop, so seeing action hero extraordinaire Solid Snake sticking out like an Arnie style sore thumb would be great.
With no more video game missions to endure, Snake would embark on his toughest assignment yet…taking a class of unruly kindergarten kids.
He could read books about bears that go shopping to snot-nosed children and teach them a number of important lessons in literacy, mathematics, defusing bombs, snapping enemy necks, hiding in cardboard boxes, plus he’d also find time to use his special missions training to sort out the disruptive pupils with his own brand of whoop-ass, “look kid, I’ve killed thousands of men in all kinds of crazy ways, do you think I’d have any qualms about giving you an after school detention?”
He’d probably be fired for gross misconduct in his first day, but what the heck.
Soldier of Fortune star John Mullins would also be a welcome disciplinarian in an unruly school, “look kid, take that damn crayon out of your mouth or I’ll blow you to pieces with my big shotgun, grr!”
DONKEY KONG: Naked jungle adventurer DK likes nothing more than to parade around his leafy lair on the look out for bananas, but he doesn’t seem to have realised that he could get a shed load of bananas with less hassle from the local supermarket if he earned a bit of cash. So how could a monkey earn money? By being an organ grinders monkey of course. Donkey Kong could use his underused dancing skills to dance for his supper with a craggy old organ grinder churning out whimsical tunes. I doubt there’d be much money in the organ grinder’s monkey career sector, so DK may be forced elsewhere…
LINK: Throughout his many excellent adventures, it is an established fact that Link has always loved the warmth and comfort of fine silk tights to aid him in his quests. In fact, he’s the biggest male advocate of tights since Robin Hood decided to shock his merry men by slipping on some green stockings in Sherwood Forest. With Link’s tights fetish in mind, the one career he’d be perfectly suited to would be a ‘male leg model’. Being a male leg model would basically consist of showing off his well-toned legs for male tights advertising purposes and parading around looking gay on TV adverts. David Beckham will no doubt have pioneered the male tights trend before Link gets his chance though.
GEORGE STOBBART: Good old American tourist, investigator, nosey-parker and all-round nice guy Mr. Stobbart is undoubtedly one of my favourite video game characters because he’s such a sardonic smarty pants. With his wry witticisms and often sarcastic sense of humour he would make a great stand-up comedian if he no longer had video game capers to go on. He wouldn’t have to change much either, as pointing out life’s many foibles is his comedic trademark and wearing his dapper green blazer could add to his funny appearance.
Okay, so he’s not in Eddie Murphy’s outrageous fast-talking swear-fest league, but he's still a funny guy.
MAX PAYNE: In his game job, Max is an ex-cop on the edge who clears the streets of scum with graceful but violent gunfire showdowns. His is certainly not a very pleasant existence with all the shooting, police hassle, drug problems and family traumas, so Max needs a sharp change in career: Ice-cream man!
Yes, Max Payne has gone from man on the edge to Mr. Whippy, driving about delivering frozen milky goodness to children in his ice-cream van-o-fun. Gone is the slow-motion gunfire and in comes the slow-motion driving as Max tootles about the neighbourhood being friendly.
SONIC: Not that Sonic had a career in the first place, unless you call "annoying spiky blue adventurer" a career, which you don’t. Nevertheless, with his tremendous speed and rough spines, he’d be ideal as a sewer clearing operative, or in simple terms, a drain cleaner. Speedy Sonic can whiz down the sewers and unblock even the most packed drainpipe and he’s even more effective than Dyno-Rod. He might get slightly grubby, but his blue spines are fairly waxy, so wouldn’t be too badly pooh-stained.
TUROK: Turok spends most of his time killing giant dinosaurs with his vast array of over the top weaponry, but if he had to give up that satisfying day job of Dinosaur Hunter, he might be forced into a complete u-turn. Yes, instead of killing animals for no apparent reason, Turok would make a career out of caring for them as a Dr. Dolittle style zookeeper. He’d scrub filthy elephants, feed bananas to little chimps, clean out the llama enclosures, and visit Donkey Kong (if DK’s organ grinder’s monkey career doesn’t take off that is). Although he’d pretend to enjoy being friendly to the animals, deep down Turok would like nothing less than to decorate the zoo with their guts.
LARA CROFT: Come on people, you don’t need me to point out what made Lara Croft so “big”. If she couldn’t do her video game adventuring anymore it would be a dead cert that she’d take up some kind of modelling job. So now instead of playing the games and pretending the appeal is not because of her baps, you can just stare away to your hearts content without justifying the ogling by pretending you’re playing a game.
RYO HAZUKI: Whilst the star of the Marmite-esque Shenmue (you either love it or hate it) never actually had a career, unless you call crate stacker a career, but what sort of job would fit in with the pedestrian pace of the Shenmue world? Paint drying supervisor of course!
Instead of trotting about Hong Kong and Japan buying little plastic toys, feeding kittens and talking to total strangers, Ryo spends his hours watching paint dry, which some might say is more interesting depending on your point of view.
Well there you go, I’m sure there’s plenty more characters which I haven’t thought of who’d have crazy careers outside of video gamedom, so knock yourselves out :)
The video games industry is pretty darn huge these days, but what if sales fall drastically in the future, as people start to get bored with wasting their lives in front of a flickering television, and eventually, video games disappear completely.
Alas, all good things must come to an end and we’d get to enjoy the outside world once in a while, but what would happen to all those jobless video game protagonists? I guess they’d have to make a living elsewhere…
MARIO: The world’s most famous video game character and a graduate from the Brooklyn University of Plumbing would suffer hugely from the demise of video games. He’d have to go from one controversial industry to an even more controversial one…porn.
He has all the credentials for it; the adult entertainment style moustache, the dandy overalls, the soft velvet gloves and of course, a huge "plumbers helper", so Mario could be quite successful as a porn star. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it to put bread on the table. The Dead of Alive girls will also be looking for work, so Mario could be quids in if he persuades them to join him in his new line of business.
SAMUS: Samus, the coolest bounty hunter since Robert De Niro in the Midnight Run, enjoys cruising around the galaxy apprehending all kinds of extraterrestrial scum and getting into adventures, but if games disappeared she’d most likely be forced into a simple run-of-the-mill office job in an insurance agency. When there, instead of encountering baddie aliens and the like, she’d endure non-stop innuendo from oafs with bad breath, cutthroat battles for promotion, malicious backstabbing e-mails from rival workers and all the regular goings-on in a typical office environment. But, I guess if she gets tired of her ignorant co-workers, she could always blast them away with her arm-mounted gun, roll up into a little ball and speed away into the sunset and be a kind of technologically enhanced hobo.
SOLID SNAKE: We’ve already seen the hilarious happenings that can occur if you place a tough-as-nails undercover cop in with a group of infants in the barrel of mirth that is Kindergarten Cop, so seeing action hero extraordinaire Solid Snake sticking out like an Arnie style sore thumb would be great.
With no more video game missions to endure, Snake would embark on his toughest assignment yet…taking a class of unruly kindergarten kids.
He could read books about bears that go shopping to snot-nosed children and teach them a number of important lessons in literacy, mathematics, defusing bombs, snapping enemy necks, hiding in cardboard boxes, plus he’d also find time to use his special missions training to sort out the disruptive pupils with his own brand of whoop-ass, “look kid, I’ve killed thousands of men in all kinds of crazy ways, do you think I’d have any qualms about giving you an after school detention?”
He’d probably be fired for gross misconduct in his first day, but what the heck.
Soldier of Fortune star John Mullins would also be a welcome disciplinarian in an unruly school, “look kid, take that damn crayon out of your mouth or I’ll blow you to pieces with my big shotgun, grr!”
DONKEY KONG: Naked jungle adventurer DK likes nothing more than to parade around his leafy lair on the look out for bananas, but he doesn’t seem to have realised that he could get a shed load of bananas with less hassle from the local supermarket if he earned a bit of cash. So how could a monkey earn money? By being an organ grinders monkey of course. Donkey Kong could use his underused dancing skills to dance for his supper with a craggy old organ grinder churning out whimsical tunes. I doubt there’d be much money in the organ grinder’s monkey career sector, so DK may be forced elsewhere…
LINK: Throughout his many excellent adventures, it is an established fact that Link has always loved the warmth and comfort of fine silk tights to aid him in his quests. In fact, he’s the biggest male advocate of tights since Robin Hood decided to shock his merry men by slipping on some green stockings in Sherwood Forest. With Link’s tights fetish in mind, the one career he’d be perfectly suited to would be a ‘male leg model’. Being a male leg model would basically consist of showing off his well-toned legs for male tights advertising purposes and parading around looking gay on TV adverts. David Beckham will no doubt have pioneered the male tights trend before Link gets his chance though.
GEORGE STOBBART: Good old American tourist, investigator, nosey-parker and all-round nice guy Mr. Stobbart is undoubtedly one of my favourite video game characters because he’s such a sardonic smarty pants. With his wry witticisms and often sarcastic sense of humour he would make a great stand-up comedian if he no longer had video game capers to go on. He wouldn’t have to change much either, as pointing out life’s many foibles is his comedic trademark and wearing his dapper green blazer could add to his funny appearance.
Okay, so he’s not in Eddie Murphy’s outrageous fast-talking swear-fest league, but he's still a funny guy.
MAX PAYNE: In his game job, Max is an ex-cop on the edge who clears the streets of scum with graceful but violent gunfire showdowns. His is certainly not a very pleasant existence with all the shooting, police hassle, drug problems and family traumas, so Max needs a sharp change in career: Ice-cream man!
Yes, Max Payne has gone from man on the edge to Mr. Whippy, driving about delivering frozen milky goodness to children in his ice-cream van-o-fun. Gone is the slow-motion gunfire and in comes the slow-motion driving as Max tootles about the neighbourhood being friendly.
SONIC: Not that Sonic had a career in the first place, unless you call "annoying spiky blue adventurer" a career, which you don’t. Nevertheless, with his tremendous speed and rough spines, he’d be ideal as a sewer clearing operative, or in simple terms, a drain cleaner. Speedy Sonic can whiz down the sewers and unblock even the most packed drainpipe and he’s even more effective than Dyno-Rod. He might get slightly grubby, but his blue spines are fairly waxy, so wouldn’t be too badly pooh-stained.
TUROK: Turok spends most of his time killing giant dinosaurs with his vast array of over the top weaponry, but if he had to give up that satisfying day job of Dinosaur Hunter, he might be forced into a complete u-turn. Yes, instead of killing animals for no apparent reason, Turok would make a career out of caring for them as a Dr. Dolittle style zookeeper. He’d scrub filthy elephants, feed bananas to little chimps, clean out the llama enclosures, and visit Donkey Kong (if DK’s organ grinder’s monkey career doesn’t take off that is). Although he’d pretend to enjoy being friendly to the animals, deep down Turok would like nothing less than to decorate the zoo with their guts.
LARA CROFT: Come on people, you don’t need me to point out what made Lara Croft so “big”. If she couldn’t do her video game adventuring anymore it would be a dead cert that she’d take up some kind of modelling job. So now instead of playing the games and pretending the appeal is not because of her baps, you can just stare away to your hearts content without justifying the ogling by pretending you’re playing a game.
RYO HAZUKI: Whilst the star of the Marmite-esque Shenmue (you either love it or hate it) never actually had a career, unless you call crate stacker a career, but what sort of job would fit in with the pedestrian pace of the Shenmue world? Paint drying supervisor of course!
Instead of trotting about Hong Kong and Japan buying little plastic toys, feeding kittens and talking to total strangers, Ryo spends his hours watching paint dry, which some might say is more interesting depending on your point of view.
Well there you go, I’m sure there’s plenty more characters which I haven’t thought of who’d have crazy careers outside of video gamedom, so knock yourselves out :)