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That's it... I've had enough. I've just been playing Halo: on the penultimate level, and I ran out of ammo with at least three and a half squillion alien zombie things attacking me. Frustrated and slightly angry, I moved onto Splinter Cell. It's already taken me about 6 months to get to level 4, I should be reasonably adept by now... yet I quickly assumed my usual position: standing conspicuously in the crosshairs of a small platoon. I followed that by getting shot at and killed in an unspectacular fashion.
Why oh why have we always got to be the underdogs in games? It's always one commando against a whole army, one dude saving the whole world etc etc. It's high time there was a game made for people like me who want to have a go at being the odds-on winner. Imagine just reversing the roles of all your favourite games...
SPLINTER CELL
You've just gotta stop one solitary sneaky spy guy. You have incredibly sophisticated sureveillance equipment and thousands of professionally trained military types with which to protect whatever it is you have to protect. Easy-peasy... just turn on all the lights and then release the hounds.
TENCHU: STEALTH ASSASSIN
Stealth Assassin smealth smassassin... It's just one guy with a sword for lord's sake. Just get a sniper rifle, aim, click - bang. Nice one. Done and dusted.
MARIO
Koopa has had the upper hand right from the offing. He is a massive spiky-armored dinosaur thing going up against... a short, fat plumber. Just kidnap the Princess and then squash Mario into a gooey paste suitable for sandwiches, dips and bagels. You can then kick back and read a book/watch Trisha/listen to Phil Collins/go and prepare those Mario-based snacks.
HALO
You have control of a huge intergalactic-scale plantary weapon. You've only got to get 'The Chief', I mean, you'd have to be a bit of a chump to let that slip through your fingers.
HITMAN
Hmm, tricky one this. 'The Silent Assassin' is a true hazard. All that wardrobe raiding makes him difficult to spot. But if you were the target, instead of the assassin, you could run quickly out of the back door; then onto the street; then hail a cab... to the airport; Malaga: one way; sickbag; Senor, dos cervezas por favor...
REZ
You've gotta stop this, er, magical silver dude from shooting up your, er, third space type place... using only the power of drumbeats and weird blippety noises. One solution: blast Liberty X at him until he vomits his spleen through his eye-sockets.
SHENMUE
OK, you're a samurai-ninja-gangster-overlord, you happened to have diddled some old bloke a while back... y'know, stuff happens. And OK, his teenage son has sworn to seek vengeance and hunt you down, but frankly, what's he gonna do? Jumped up, acne-ridden toe-rag who thinks a couple of karate lessons means he's a superhero... If he comes near, you'll just give him a darn good thrashing. Pesky kids.
Why oh why have we always got to be the underdogs in games? It's always one commando against a whole army, one dude saving the whole world etc etc. It's high time there was a game made for people like me who want to have a go at being the odds-on winner. Imagine just reversing the roles of all your favourite games...
SPLINTER CELL
You've just gotta stop one solitary sneaky spy guy. You have incredibly sophisticated sureveillance equipment and thousands of professionally trained military types with which to protect whatever it is you have to protect. Easy-peasy... just turn on all the lights and then release the hounds.
TENCHU: STEALTH ASSASSIN
Stealth Assassin smealth smassassin... It's just one guy with a sword for lord's sake. Just get a sniper rifle, aim, click - bang. Nice one. Done and dusted.
MARIO
Koopa has had the upper hand right from the offing. He is a massive spiky-armored dinosaur thing going up against... a short, fat plumber. Just kidnap the Princess and then squash Mario into a gooey paste suitable for sandwiches, dips and bagels. You can then kick back and read a book/watch Trisha/listen to Phil Collins/go and prepare those Mario-based snacks.
HALO
You have control of a huge intergalactic-scale plantary weapon. You've only got to get 'The Chief', I mean, you'd have to be a bit of a chump to let that slip through your fingers.
HITMAN
Hmm, tricky one this. 'The Silent Assassin' is a true hazard. All that wardrobe raiding makes him difficult to spot. But if you were the target, instead of the assassin, you could run quickly out of the back door; then onto the street; then hail a cab... to the airport; Malaga: one way; sickbag; Senor, dos cervezas por favor...
REZ
You've gotta stop this, er, magical silver dude from shooting up your, er, third space type place... using only the power of drumbeats and weird blippety noises. One solution: blast Liberty X at him until he vomits his spleen through his eye-sockets.
SHENMUE
OK, you're a samurai-ninja-gangster-overlord, you happened to have diddled some old bloke a while back... y'know, stuff happens. And OK, his teenage son has sworn to seek vengeance and hunt you down, but frankly, what's he gonna do? Jumped up, acne-ridden toe-rag who thinks a couple of karate lessons means he's a superhero... If he comes near, you'll just give him a darn good thrashing. Pesky kids.
Hohohoho, absolutely fantastmatastic...
That's it... I've had enough. I've just been playing Halo: on the penultimate level, and I ran out of ammo with at least three and a half squillion alien zombie things attacking me. Frustrated and slightly angry, I moved onto Splinter Cell. It's already taken me about 6 months to get to level 4, I should be reasonably adept by now... yet I quickly assumed my usual position: standing conspicuously in the crosshairs of a small platoon. I followed that by getting shot at and killed in an unspectacular fashion.
Why oh why have we always got to be the underdogs in games? It's always one commando against a whole army, one dude saving the whole world etc etc. It's high time there was a game made for people like me who want to have a go at being the odds-on winner. Imagine just reversing the roles of all your favourite games...
SPLINTER CELL
You've just gotta stop one solitary sneaky spy guy. You have incredibly sophisticated sureveillance equipment and thousands of professionally trained military types with which to protect whatever it is you have to protect. Easy-peasy... just turn on all the lights and then release the hounds.
TENCHU: STEALTH ASSASSIN
Stealth Assassin smealth smassassin... It's just one guy with a sword for lord's sake. Just get a sniper rifle, aim, click - bang. Nice one. Done and dusted.
MARIO
Koopa has had the upper hand right from the offing. He is a massive spiky-armored dinosaur thing going up against... a short, fat plumber. Just kidnap the Princess and then squash Mario into a gooey paste suitable for sandwiches, dips and bagels. You can then kick back and read a book/watch Trisha/listen to Phil Collins/go and prepare those Mario-based snacks.
HALO
You have control of a huge intergalactic-scale plantary weapon. You've only got to get 'The Chief', I mean, you'd have to be a bit of a chump to let that slip through your fingers.
HITMAN
Hmm, tricky one this. 'The Silent Assassin' is a true hazard. All that wardrobe raiding makes him difficult to spot. But if you were the target, instead of the assassin, you could run quickly out of the back door; then onto the street; then hail a cab... to the airport; Malaga: one way; sickbag; Senor, dos cervezas por favor...
REZ
You've gotta stop this, er, magical silver dude from shooting up your, er, third space type place... using only the power of drumbeats and weird blippety noises. One solution: blast Liberty X at him until he vomits his spleen through his eye-sockets.
SHENMUE
OK, you're a samurai-ninja-gangster-overlord, you happened to have diddled some old bloke a while back... y'know, stuff happens. And OK, his teenage son has sworn to seek vengeance and hunt you down, but frankly, what's he gonna do? Jumped up, acne-ridden toe-rag who thinks a couple of karate lessons means he's a superhero... If he comes near, you'll just give him a darn good thrashing. Pesky kids.
Why oh why have we always got to be the underdogs in games? It's always one commando against a whole army, one dude saving the whole world etc etc. It's high time there was a game made for people like me who want to have a go at being the odds-on winner. Imagine just reversing the roles of all your favourite games...
SPLINTER CELL
You've just gotta stop one solitary sneaky spy guy. You have incredibly sophisticated sureveillance equipment and thousands of professionally trained military types with which to protect whatever it is you have to protect. Easy-peasy... just turn on all the lights and then release the hounds.
TENCHU: STEALTH ASSASSIN
Stealth Assassin smealth smassassin... It's just one guy with a sword for lord's sake. Just get a sniper rifle, aim, click - bang. Nice one. Done and dusted.
MARIO
Koopa has had the upper hand right from the offing. He is a massive spiky-armored dinosaur thing going up against... a short, fat plumber. Just kidnap the Princess and then squash Mario into a gooey paste suitable for sandwiches, dips and bagels. You can then kick back and read a book/watch Trisha/listen to Phil Collins/go and prepare those Mario-based snacks.
HALO
You have control of a huge intergalactic-scale plantary weapon. You've only got to get 'The Chief', I mean, you'd have to be a bit of a chump to let that slip through your fingers.
HITMAN
Hmm, tricky one this. 'The Silent Assassin' is a true hazard. All that wardrobe raiding makes him difficult to spot. But if you were the target, instead of the assassin, you could run quickly out of the back door; then onto the street; then hail a cab... to the airport; Malaga: one way; sickbag; Senor, dos cervezas por favor...
REZ
You've gotta stop this, er, magical silver dude from shooting up your, er, third space type place... using only the power of drumbeats and weird blippety noises. One solution: blast Liberty X at him until he vomits his spleen through his eye-sockets.
SHENMUE
OK, you're a samurai-ninja-gangster-overlord, you happened to have diddled some old bloke a while back... y'know, stuff happens. And OK, his teenage son has sworn to seek vengeance and hunt you down, but frankly, what's he gonna do? Jumped up, acne-ridden toe-rag who thinks a couple of karate lessons means he's a superhero... If he comes near, you'll just give him a darn good thrashing. Pesky kids.