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"I MUST..."

The cliche teenage depression...

I suppose I should aploigize for posting this, taking up room, me just being a miserbale git etc... but when you feel like this its good to just let it out by writing it on here.

One of the facts about being a teenage is you become a miserable git... blah blah. Although I think its not taken as serious an issue as it should, people just see it as a phase that goes away.

I have lived nearly 16 years and have been through quite a bit I suppose but this time (since August) it is very depressing. If coping with being an adolescent is not enough the amount of work and effort expected from me this year is unreal, the thought alone depresses me, hell I should be working now... The teachers say

"You need to work so much this year, theres not enough time to cover everything in this year"

Well why the hell isn't there? Would you put too much water in a glass? Would you eat until it is physically impossible. Think you bloody morons... people are my age, they go through crap, giving them all this bollards about if you don't pass this year you fail etc...

Anyway this is coming out as a pathetic attempt of saying I feel depressed but believe me I am... I shouldn't really, I have great faimly and friends etc. Hmmm what I do to make me feel less miserable is to put myself in a position... I could be a child in Africa, no clean water, no house, disease riden, malnutrushed (sp), parents die of low life expectancy, maybe leg missing from war or land mine... now that alone depresses me as I know humans are going through that and it is caused by humans I think to much...

Dammit this is sounding dreadful... I am a generally miserablr guy I guess, made worse by things. However I always try to build a wall around me, always have done... I'll be okay, people worse than me. I'm always outgoing, loud, make jokes, try to make myself and others happy but recently that wall around me is being broken... everythign is worse, its impossible to try and find something positive.

AS before I know I'm sounding selfish but this week the amout of work expected of me is unreal, essays I NEED to do, Tests I MUST pass along with all the other crap... not helping that is the fact I'm a Insomniac... there is nothing more depressing than the fact YOU KNOW you can't get to sleep YOU WANT to you know YOU NEED to but you CAN'T, you lie there at 4 in the morning knowing in 3 hours you NEED to be up, YOU NEED the sleep to just barely get through the day happy and live up to what you need to do.

When you lie there or are depressed you think so much. I'm sure there are many, many people like me who are most probably worse off. Yout think the greatest stuff but usually quite miserable like the other night I deceided what death was... I think when you die it is a relief... sick sounding maybe? Although I mean it can be a horrible thing being killed by somebody... maybe a bomb blowing you up, somebody stabing you to death and leaving you to die in an ally alone but once that pain is gone I deceided when thats over you go into a deep sleep. Have you ever had dreams that are excellent and you swear were true? Well I feel thats what death is... things you dream... its not real but say in those dreams you are reunited with loved ones etc... the thing is you don't know your dead or dreaming just doing what you wanted to do... I know that must sound strange but thats MY VIEW, I resepct those people who are religious so thats mine... however nothing is worse than knowing someone who has died, thats not a relief just making sure I say that.

I don't know if you remember a while back I mentioned my grampa died... well that day I was supposed to go to a U2 concert and I came home and found out he died... it is the strangest feeling I've went through and not what I expected... I was so annoyed at myself I never cried... I am a very emotional person but I couldn't cry and really can't a big flaw in me that depresses me, anyway that hurt like hell but my mum coped with it so well and also my aunt and gran who I'm close to... don't know why I said that but thought I should say it as I'm on a roll.

I'm actually worried I'm heading for a breakdown... everything in the world seems wrong, I seem wrong, broken, not what I used to be or want to be, but thats who I am... I think I think too much (hmmmmm. I'm fed up of being Craig and being so funny and "crazy" well thats who I am, I'm not funny or crazy thats me being me. I hate it when people do things they know they shouldn't do and I know they shoudln't do it.... emmm I REALLY hate people in general, you just look at people, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??? I always feel they shoudld always be like people I like... why must people beat up my friends? or just easily walk into you deliberately? why? simple question, now that depresses me... the fact people do things that will affect people in a massive way when they did that thing so easily.

Anway I'm rambling I really could go on forever, ironcally I MUST do my English essay and I MUST go and be nice to my family. I MUST go back to my ways of being "funny" and "crazy" and as usual I MUST try and get some sleep tongith however it will not happen.

I feel quite selfishly good after that, I do apoligize for this, I know everyone goes through it and it comes and goes but thats me.

As usual I've come out of that rambling depression, its Friday night and I have week-end ahead.

I didn't want to replt because I'd make an idiot of myself again.

Thanks for replies, helped me analysis what I said, other people... and Kitty's post helped me put thems in perspective, thanks people.

Still think your Thom Yorke, Kitty ;-)

As i did in Ant's topic, I'll post my own views on being a teenager. And I'm going to be honest.

I love being a teenager. It's great fun. I have no taxes. I have no rent or anything to worry about. I'm doing AS Levels, which may seem hard, but then I realised I'm only doing subjects I like and am good at. I breezed my GCSE's, and I actually like school.

Right, honesty. This is going to sound boastful, but it's only honesty. I'm intelligent. I've always been in the top 3 of any class I've been in, always been getting the highest or one of the highest marks in any test. I was disappointed slightly in GCSE's because I only got 2 A*'s, and that's the truth. I'm always trying to get better marks. My ambition is a degree in Applied Biology at Oxford, followed by a pHd in Marine Biology at Southampton or Plymouth, as I hear they are the best marine biology uni's. I may even go back to Wales to Swansea or Bangor. But I'm going to have to work hard at my AS's. Oxford is a hard place to get into, especially from a state school. But it's work I'm prepared to put in, to get where I want to be. Fine, some people may say exams don't matter, but they matter to me, and that's all it comes down to in the end. What matters to you.

Think about what matters to yourself Sheepy or Ant. I can't say I know how you feel, because I've never felt really depressed, low on self-confidence. I've always been able to sleep, although my dad was, and he used herbal stuff, which he said worked like a charm.

This probably hasn't made you feel any better, but what I'd say is: Don't bother with yoiur exams if they don't matter to you. I do, because they matter to me. I have to admit I like school. I get to hang out with my mates, have loads of frees. Aimed for AAAA/AAAB is a bit of a pressure, but I'm confident I can do it, and that makes it easier. Even fun, at times. I'm not relgious, but as I said to Ant yesterday on WLT, I have respect for people who are, so if that helps you, I'd try that. You've got much better friends on here, but if you ever feel like chatting, I'm [email protected].

Stryke.

The only real thing i worry about is my education.

I totally messed up my first year of A-level. I felt really bad, and some nights I did cry as i thought about my future.

BUt it wasnt the end of the world, I started my A-levels again in college...and i'm doing allright this time! i made it to the 2nd year:D

This is the way i see it, you should make yourself some realistic goals and not try and live up to other people's expectations. As long as you can please yourself you should be happy.

I am at the moment permenately numb.

Why is that? Well because I can't seem to find a happy thought and I rarely am ever 'happy'.

The problem was as I see it now is that everyone has a metaphorical fan infront of them, and all the time there is a piece of crap flying towards that fan, now its up to the piece of crap how it enters the fan, and then up to the person how to deal with cleaning it off their face, some is unremovable, some is easy to wipe off. Its the problems that face us everyday of our lifes, the problems which never really help. That is my theory of the 'man and the fan'

That was not meant to be taken with a sense of humour, thats what I have decided to view.

I never thought I would get to being sixteen years old, I have tried to kill myself a few times. I have had help though, and at some point in time I changed so much I decided to not even care about myself anymore.

It was the people around me I focused on, sure, that may seem a bit silly to not care about yourself, but something had told me I would eventually feel better about myself if I could help others through their life.

Looking at it, who got me to where I am today. It was doctors and friends and family, and I seem to be losing family members quickly which is making my life hell, but I manage to struggle through because of my closest friends.

Friends who I now consider family, friends who are so close that in one case I could not lose her because I would basically be losing all my hope.

What happened to me? Well, thats something I don't really want to go over, some of the problems I cannot try or even begin to explain. I maybe a freak, but at least I am unique.

Philosophy helps, I see what really could be, and this gives me an extension to life. Your Honour said he felt no less of a man admitting that he cried when he felt that bad, well I cry, and whoever made the comment 'Boys don't Cry' was lying. I cry because I am weak, I feel we are all weak without the people we have attachments to are going.

I beg of all of you, look at what you have, not in the way you think about it for five seconds then forget and take it as the norm. You know when you are ill, a common cold or even the flu is making you feel physically bad, and at that moment you wish that you were better, and you say to yourself, 'gee, I will appreciate life then'. You get better and you just feel pleased.

That's wrong, I promise you, when you smile and laugh, think, because I know when I have had those momentary happy thoughts and smiles I have felt so good but then don't think twice about it. What I am trying to say is that everyone goes through problems, and I am not going to say that my problems are larger or worse than anyone else's because its in the eye or the beholder that the problem hurts, and that everyone tackles problems differentely. Even the smaller problems can hurt so much because there is already a larger problem you are trying to tackle.

I nearly lost one of few people I have properly loved a few days back, my dad, and it was at that point I began to shake, my body, everything was gone. I felt useless, and somehow I still didn't really understand what was nearly away from me and slipping. It was at this moment I had to think, you really don't know what you have until its gone.

If he had gone, I can very much say I wouldn't be here typing this, for I would either be in hospital or not with the bodily world anymore. My brother and two sisters are gone away from me, I see them rarely in some way or another and yet I am ploughing on because of the people around me.

Appreciation for life, thats the key, the fact is with all this religion and all these beliefs, nobody really knows what happens after life, or even what we are during life. All I know is that I am here, and as long as I am here whether that is going to be a day month, year or decade. I have to try at least to appreciate life to the fullest.

Others would want me to do that. For it was these others I talk about that have helped me to type this and come to terms with what I am physically and mentally.

We all have problems. DONT try to tackle them on your own. Please.

This is going to say like the smug platituides of an old fart. But what's with the "I must". You don't have to do any of it. I guess one of the better things about getting older is realising that you've got time (perverse considering you've got less) but you have.
If you don't pass exams this year its not the end of the world. Take them next year. If the average age expectency is 80 you've got plenty of time to spend a year or two doing something different. Nothing that dramatic will change. If you want to go back and do your exams you can. All I'm saying is think about what you are doing and why. If you want to do your exams do them. But make a concious choice about it as if there is anything that is going to make you feel stressed its feeling compelled to do something.
As for sounding self indulgent you don't. Stop diminishing how you are feeling and maybe go and talk to a professional about it. I know counselling is seen for the weak willed/mad but I thought it was great. If you get a good counsellor they will make you examine how you feel and why. What your motives are and what your choices are. It's also quite tough. They are not your friends/families/teachers or anyone who has particular expectations of you.There job is for you to find out a bit more about yourself.
I'm not trying to do online counselling. It just sounds like you've got into a bit of a state. The comparisions aren't helpful either. Yes objectively your life could be worse if you were one of Africa's starving millions. But you are not and you aren't feeling too great. Life doesn't work on a scale of I've got abc therefore I should feel def. Stop beating yourself up about that.
Draw on your family and friends. Its surprising what they will offer. Don't diminish them either by assuming that they will get annoyed with you if you aren't your usual laughing/smiling self.
On a final note I thought A levels were the hardest things I ever did. My degree was a breeze by comparison. It may just be "a phase" to quote a cliche. That's for you to decide.

Sheepy...I posted something just like this a few weeks ago, feeling quite the same way. I feel a little better now, but jest letting it all out on here is the best thing to do. It's the only way for me, really, and don't worry about doing it.

I know how being a teenager is depressing. Hell, I am one. A bit younger than you, and I'm not looking forward to the next couple of years. My self confidence is already low, and I'll struggle to get through the next few years, and what life has to offer. But with help from friends, family and God I'll get through it.

You have friends on here, and you can talk to us about anything. We probably won't understand, but we'll listen. I can't really give advice as I'm going through the same sort of thing, but I guess al I can say is to tell you to keep going. In a few years time you'll hopefully be settled down with a good job, or at least be going through less stress than you are now.

I can't say much more really, but I'm always willing to talk mate. I've bantered enough about my life to you, and if you ever need to talk we're all here. Myself, Grix, YH, pb, Goatboy, Meka, even Sniper (perhaps.)

So keep going. You seem like a great guy, and...well, I don't have much more to say.

Ok, heart on the table time:

As many of you probably know, earlier this summer I moved down to Surrey to start a placement year as part of my university course. Moving in with a couple you've only met once before. Knowing what ever the job is like, whatever the people are like you HAVE to be there for a year. 1 year! It sounded so long at the time.

I was leaving all my mates behind. Both the ones at home (bacj in Essex) and all the ones I'd made in the 2 years at university in Leicester.

Anyway, the day I was to move down here, sunday 1st July - I'll never forget it, my nan died. The day before had been my parents 25th wedding anniversary, we'd had a party, I was amazingly hungover. I woke up to a phone call that she'd probably have 24 hours to live.

She died 10 mins before we got the hospital.

So, there I am, sunday evening. In a flat with two people I hardly know, my nan having passed away a few hours earlier, in 12 hours time I'm starting a new job.

I felt f*****g awful. I won't apologise for the language, as it's the truth. I felt the worst I've ever felt in my life.

So I cried myself to sleep. I don't feel ashamed admitting that. I don't think I'm any less of a "man" because I let my feelings out. It did me the world of good.

I still felt bad that morning. Bad about my nan, nervous because of the job. But I felt better able to cope. I made it through my first day. Don't really remember much of it to be honest.

Anyway, nearly 5 months on and things are much better. Job is going well, know loads of people down here. It's absolutely flown as well. Instead of thinking "A year, that's AGES!", I'm thinking, "Christ, it's nearly christmas!"

I don't really know why I've said all that, I suppose it's to show that no matter how bad things seem, they always get better - if you put the effort in.

If you let things get on top of you, they will do. You'll feel worse and worse and never get anywhere. If you try, if you work at it, things do get better.

You're an insomiace? Go to the doctors and get some sleeping tablets. That way you'll then feel better at school, and more like putting the effort in. You're grades will go up, and you'll cheer up and everything will be fine again.

It sounds like you've got a good family and set of mates, use them, talk to them. A problem shared and all that.

Also, let us know how you get on. It's often easier to talk on here than face to face, but you're still sharing you problems, and everyone on here cares enough about you (despite the fact that you're Scottish :-P) to give any advice they can.

Take heart mate, everything works out alright in the end, it always does.

Sheepy, feel warm inside, and think, "If Bonus could pass 5 highers in one year, well, even Game might be able to manage it, so I'm damn sure I can."

And you'll live on.........

The cliche teenage depression...

I suppose I should aploigize for posting this, taking up room, me just being a miserbale git etc... but when you feel like this its good to just let it out by writing it on here.

One of the facts about being a teenage is you become a miserable git... blah blah. Although I think its not taken as serious an issue as it should, people just see it as a phase that goes away.

I have lived nearly 16 years and have been through quite a bit I suppose but this time (since August) it is very depressing. If coping with being an adolescent is not enough the amount of work and effort expected from me this year is unreal, the thought alone depresses me, hell I should be working now... The teachers say

"You need to work so much this year, theres not enough time to cover everything in this year"

Well why the hell isn't there? Would you put too much water in a glass? Would you eat until it is physically impossible. Think you bloody morons... people are my age, they go through crap, giving them all this bollards about if you don't pass this year you fail etc...

Anyway this is coming out as a pathetic attempt of saying I feel depressed but believe me I am... I shouldn't really, I have great faimly and friends etc. Hmmm what I do to make me feel less miserable is to put myself in a position... I could be a child in Africa, no clean water, no house, disease riden, malnutrushed (sp), parents die of low life expectancy, maybe leg missing from war or land mine... now that alone depresses me as I know humans are going through that and it is caused by humans I think to much...

Dammit this is sounding dreadful... I am a generally miserablr guy I guess, made worse by things. However I always try to build a wall around me, always have done... I'll be okay, people worse than me. I'm always outgoing, loud, make jokes, try to make myself and others happy but recently that wall around me is being broken... everythign is worse, its impossible to try and find something positive.

AS before I know I'm sounding selfish but this week the amout of work expected of me is unreal, essays I NEED to do, Tests I MUST pass along with all the other crap... not helping that is the fact I'm a Insomniac... there is nothing more depressing than the fact YOU KNOW you can't get to sleep YOU WANT to you know YOU NEED to but you CAN'T, you lie there at 4 in the morning knowing in 3 hours you NEED to be up, YOU NEED the sleep to just barely get through the day happy and live up to what you need to do.

When you lie there or are depressed you think so much. I'm sure there are many, many people like me who are most probably worse off. Yout think the greatest stuff but usually quite miserable like the other night I deceided what death was... I think when you die it is a relief... sick sounding maybe? Although I mean it can be a horrible thing being killed by somebody... maybe a bomb blowing you up, somebody stabing you to death and leaving you to die in an ally alone but once that pain is gone I deceided when thats over you go into a deep sleep. Have you ever had dreams that are excellent and you swear were true? Well I feel thats what death is... things you dream... its not real but say in those dreams you are reunited with loved ones etc... the thing is you don't know your dead or dreaming just doing what you wanted to do... I know that must sound strange but thats MY VIEW, I resepct those people who are religious so thats mine... however nothing is worse than knowing someone who has died, thats not a relief just making sure I say that.

I don't know if you remember a while back I mentioned my grampa died... well that day I was supposed to go to a U2 concert and I came home and found out he died... it is the strangest feeling I've went through and not what I expected... I was so annoyed at myself I never cried... I am a very emotional person but I couldn't cry and really can't a big flaw in me that depresses me, anyway that hurt like hell but my mum coped with it so well and also my aunt and gran who I'm close to... don't know why I said that but thought I should say it as I'm on a roll.

I'm actually worried I'm heading for a breakdown... everything in the world seems wrong, I seem wrong, broken, not what I used to be or want to be, but thats who I am... I think I think too much (hmmmmm. I'm fed up of being Craig and being so funny and "crazy" well thats who I am, I'm not funny or crazy thats me being me. I hate it when people do things they know they shouldn't do and I know they shoudln't do it.... emmm I REALLY hate people in general, you just look at people, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??? I always feel they shoudld always be like people I like... why must people beat up my friends? or just easily walk into you deliberately? why? simple question, now that depresses me... the fact people do things that will affect people in a massive way when they did that thing so easily.

Anway I'm rambling I really could go on forever, ironcally I MUST do my English essay and I MUST go and be nice to my family. I MUST go back to my ways of being "funny" and "crazy" and as usual I MUST try and get some sleep tongith however it will not happen.

I feel quite selfishly good after that, I do apoligize for this, I know everyone goes through it and it comes and goes but thats me.