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"SSC 11 - The Lost Sapphire"

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Sun 13/05/07 at 18:22
"LOLLERSKATES!"
Posts: 5,659
ISLAND

The Lost Sapphire

There was a great disturbance at Verity Manor. It was Saturday 14th May 2003, the morning after the manor had been robbed of all its valuable possessions. The manor, home to the rich and well known Shelby family, had been burgled at approximately 11:59 Pm on Friday 13th May. Items of both wealthy and sentimental value had been stolen, but the crown jewel of the Shelby family, the mysterious shiny blue sapphire, was the most valued item to have disappeared. The stealing of the Sapphire came of huge surprise, because whereas items like the rare statue of the Loch Ness Monster, many portraits of Queen Elizabeth II, and large quantities of cash in the manor were somewhat easily obtainable once a potential burglar had gained entry to the manor, the Sapphire was not just the most prised possession of the Shelby’s, it was also there biggest secret.

When the robbery occurred, it was exactly a year ago, while on holiday in the tropical island of Mauritius, the Shelby’s took their luxury yacht on a short voyage up the ocean. Jay-Lloyd Shelby, the father and head figure of the family, saw a small island in the distance. This was unusual, as according to the large map situated upon the wall of the kitchen, there was nothing but ocean for around 100 miles. Baffled, the Shelby’s inevitably headed straight for the island. The island proved to be troublesome to reach, as it appeared to be only a mile or so away yet as soon as they travelled to it, it appeared to be even further away. Just as the mother of the family, Sandra Shelby, declared the island as a mirage, and blamed it down to sea sickness, which was a well known characteristic of the Shelby’s, they began to get ever so closer to the island. Finally, they had reached the island.

The island appeared to be nothing sub-normal, full of beautiful, luscious palm trees, and dominated by limestone cliffs, the Shelby’s began to explore. The Shelby’s two children, Marcus and Rowan, aged 11 and 13, began to run into the forest ahead. Anxiously chasing after their children, the Shelby parents followed along. The children were running along, no care in the world, when suddenly 11 year old Marcus was caught in an ancient-looking bear trap and flung up onto an equally ancient oak tree. Squealing in pain, a shocked Rowan immediately found his parents and they pulled him out of the potentially deadly bear trap. With no real injuries sustained, an understandably petrified looking Marcus ploughed on, as the Shelby’s continued their venture into the woods.

Suddenly, they encountered a small shed-like building, and, with Marcus nearly hyperventilating, they just headed on into the building. After calming down Marcus, Jay-Lloyd Shelby, sticking to that little feeling in his brain that has made him become so very wealthy, decided to explore the shed. He opened the door in front of him, and it immediately shut itself behind him. Startled by the slam of the door, Jay-Lloyd turned around to be confronted by an enormous maze.

After a few hours navigating his way through it, Shelby reached the next door. He opened the door, to see a spectacular golden statue of what looked like a God of some description. The statue stood around 12 foot high, and had seven massive hands, each lowered to around 4 foot off the ground, and each holding an intricate looking gem. In the furthest left hand, there was a shining red ruby. The ruby sat upon the fingers of the statue, and below it was a plaque, entitled ‘Luxuria’. In the next hand, there was a glistening green emerald, which also held a plaque, this time entitled ‘Gula’. Next along, adjacent to the centre gem, was a fine-looking crystal gem, which was entitled ‘Acedia’. On the far right, there was a circular shaped golden gem; this was called ‘Ira’. Next to this, was a beautiful example of a Diamond, labelled ‘Invidia’. Also adjacent to the centre was a pearl, a massive jet white pearl, annotated ‘Superbia’. Finally, in the middle, standing proud, shining twice as brightly as the other gems, was a gleaming blue Sapphire. The Sapphire was a lot larger than the other gems, and therefore considerably more valuable. It stood out the most, and was probably the one ‘most valued’ by the statue. The label on the Sapphire was ‘Avaritia’.

Jay-Lloyd Shelby was immediately attracted to the Sapphire, although couldn’t help but cast his eye on both the emerald and the ruby as well. Shelby was not one to turn down the chance of such a spectacular item, and naturally, picked up the Sapphire and dropped it into his tweed jacket pocket. Shelby then cast his eyes upon the emerald gem, and when to pick it up. However, as his hand beckoned to grab the gem, the statue began to close and shrivel up, and within a few seconds, it vanished completely. Shelby, astonished, immediately checked his pocket, and the Sapphire was, in fact, still in his pocket.

Jay-Lloyd then turned back hastily, opened the door, and the maze had also disappeared. He exited that door, and was finally re-united with his very worried family. Jay-Lloyd showed off his latest possession, and the Shelby’s cast their greedy looking eyes in delight upon the spectacular gem. The family immediately left the island, and after setting off on the yacht, Sandra Shelby turned round, and very mysteriously, the island itself had vanished. Spooked, the Shelby’s had been struck by greed and valued their Sapphire preciously and regarded it highly. After a few months, the power of the Sapphire had fully consumed Jay-Lloyd Shelby, and he valued it even over his wife and children.

The morning after the burglarly, a police officer announced that the robbers had been caught and all of the Shelby’s possessions had been recovered. However, Shelby only seemed concerned about his precious lost Sapphire.

“No, no Sapphire of any sort has been recovered” Replied the policeman

“You’re kidding me, have you taken it, have you taken my Sapphire, I want my Sapphire, I want it now, Have you any idea of the value of that Sapphire” Was the angry response from Jay-Lloyd Shelby.

Jay-Lloyd Shelby when back to his room, looking almost possessed. Then, he unlocked the safe in which his Sapphire had been kept. Strangely, he found a note inside of the safe. The note was written on what looked like ancient writing material, in runny ink handwriting. Mystified, Shelby opened up the note and read...
“You encountered something more powerful than you can possibly imagine. You were the chosen one, and you unwillingly took part in a test. You encountered the seven deadly gems, and you chose the central gem, the Sapphire.

My friend, you have been consumed, you had the choice of six other gems, but you took the most valuable gem, the one which would earn you the most in material good, by that I mean the most money. You could have walked away, but an impulse locked inside your brain said “go on, pick it up, keep it”, even though they so clearly belong to me.

The Sapphire was called ‘Avaritia’, and you picked it up. On Friday the 13th, the gem was returned to me, one year on. Back were it belongs. Has your life really been worth living, you have lost everything close to you, everything that matters to you.

For your information, ‘Avaritia’ is one of the seven deadly sins. ‘Avaritia’ means greed…”

The note suddenly turned to dust, and a shell-shocked looking Jay-Lloyd sat down on his bed, and suddenly realised, he had been consumed, and that this had been a warning. Jay-Lloyd should value what he has, and not be consumed by greed…


Well that’s my first attempt in a few years, any feedback would be appreciated, I did it rather quickly, but I’d still like to know what people think. Thanks

Biggie Little Jr.
Thu 24/05/07 at 16:36
Regular
Posts: 13,611
I'll echo the others: some nice ideas, for sure.

Certain lines don't sit particularly well with me but if you read more and keep writing your narratives will become tighter over time.

That's the way it should be. Imagination or inspiration can't be taught, but writing skills can always improve.
Wed 23/05/07 at 18:43
"LOLLERSKATES!"
Posts: 5,659
I found it quite difficult to come up with an idea that wasn't a Lost/Lord Of The Flies rip off. Like I said I did it quickly and it's my first attempt for about 3 years. Thanks for the feedback.
Wed 23/05/07 at 12:21
Regular
"Laughingstock"
Posts: 3,522
Tales of mysterious happenings are always in danger of falling into the gully labelled "Far-fetched".
I think this story fell into the gully.
Wed 23/05/07 at 09:21
Regular
"WhaleOilBeefHooked"
Posts: 12,425
I think pb is pretty much spot on with the feedback. Definitely a lot of potential. I really liked the idea of the statue holding the seven deadly sins too.
Wed 23/05/07 at 08:40
Moderator
"possibly impossible"
Posts: 24,985
The story was quite interesting, but the writing needs a little work. A bit too much repetition in many of the paragraphs. I like the idea behind the gem consuming him, though I think you can make it less obvious to the reader, it seems a bit spelled out at times, which makes it sound as if you are treating the reader as a child.

I Look forward to reading your next story, there were a lot of good ideas in this one.
Sun 13/05/07 at 18:22
"LOLLERSKATES!"
Posts: 5,659
ISLAND

The Lost Sapphire

There was a great disturbance at Verity Manor. It was Saturday 14th May 2003, the morning after the manor had been robbed of all its valuable possessions. The manor, home to the rich and well known Shelby family, had been burgled at approximately 11:59 Pm on Friday 13th May. Items of both wealthy and sentimental value had been stolen, but the crown jewel of the Shelby family, the mysterious shiny blue sapphire, was the most valued item to have disappeared. The stealing of the Sapphire came of huge surprise, because whereas items like the rare statue of the Loch Ness Monster, many portraits of Queen Elizabeth II, and large quantities of cash in the manor were somewhat easily obtainable once a potential burglar had gained entry to the manor, the Sapphire was not just the most prised possession of the Shelby’s, it was also there biggest secret.

When the robbery occurred, it was exactly a year ago, while on holiday in the tropical island of Mauritius, the Shelby’s took their luxury yacht on a short voyage up the ocean. Jay-Lloyd Shelby, the father and head figure of the family, saw a small island in the distance. This was unusual, as according to the large map situated upon the wall of the kitchen, there was nothing but ocean for around 100 miles. Baffled, the Shelby’s inevitably headed straight for the island. The island proved to be troublesome to reach, as it appeared to be only a mile or so away yet as soon as they travelled to it, it appeared to be even further away. Just as the mother of the family, Sandra Shelby, declared the island as a mirage, and blamed it down to sea sickness, which was a well known characteristic of the Shelby’s, they began to get ever so closer to the island. Finally, they had reached the island.

The island appeared to be nothing sub-normal, full of beautiful, luscious palm trees, and dominated by limestone cliffs, the Shelby’s began to explore. The Shelby’s two children, Marcus and Rowan, aged 11 and 13, began to run into the forest ahead. Anxiously chasing after their children, the Shelby parents followed along. The children were running along, no care in the world, when suddenly 11 year old Marcus was caught in an ancient-looking bear trap and flung up onto an equally ancient oak tree. Squealing in pain, a shocked Rowan immediately found his parents and they pulled him out of the potentially deadly bear trap. With no real injuries sustained, an understandably petrified looking Marcus ploughed on, as the Shelby’s continued their venture into the woods.

Suddenly, they encountered a small shed-like building, and, with Marcus nearly hyperventilating, they just headed on into the building. After calming down Marcus, Jay-Lloyd Shelby, sticking to that little feeling in his brain that has made him become so very wealthy, decided to explore the shed. He opened the door in front of him, and it immediately shut itself behind him. Startled by the slam of the door, Jay-Lloyd turned around to be confronted by an enormous maze.

After a few hours navigating his way through it, Shelby reached the next door. He opened the door, to see a spectacular golden statue of what looked like a God of some description. The statue stood around 12 foot high, and had seven massive hands, each lowered to around 4 foot off the ground, and each holding an intricate looking gem. In the furthest left hand, there was a shining red ruby. The ruby sat upon the fingers of the statue, and below it was a plaque, entitled ‘Luxuria’. In the next hand, there was a glistening green emerald, which also held a plaque, this time entitled ‘Gula’. Next along, adjacent to the centre gem, was a fine-looking crystal gem, which was entitled ‘Acedia’. On the far right, there was a circular shaped golden gem; this was called ‘Ira’. Next to this, was a beautiful example of a Diamond, labelled ‘Invidia’. Also adjacent to the centre was a pearl, a massive jet white pearl, annotated ‘Superbia’. Finally, in the middle, standing proud, shining twice as brightly as the other gems, was a gleaming blue Sapphire. The Sapphire was a lot larger than the other gems, and therefore considerably more valuable. It stood out the most, and was probably the one ‘most valued’ by the statue. The label on the Sapphire was ‘Avaritia’.

Jay-Lloyd Shelby was immediately attracted to the Sapphire, although couldn’t help but cast his eye on both the emerald and the ruby as well. Shelby was not one to turn down the chance of such a spectacular item, and naturally, picked up the Sapphire and dropped it into his tweed jacket pocket. Shelby then cast his eyes upon the emerald gem, and when to pick it up. However, as his hand beckoned to grab the gem, the statue began to close and shrivel up, and within a few seconds, it vanished completely. Shelby, astonished, immediately checked his pocket, and the Sapphire was, in fact, still in his pocket.

Jay-Lloyd then turned back hastily, opened the door, and the maze had also disappeared. He exited that door, and was finally re-united with his very worried family. Jay-Lloyd showed off his latest possession, and the Shelby’s cast their greedy looking eyes in delight upon the spectacular gem. The family immediately left the island, and after setting off on the yacht, Sandra Shelby turned round, and very mysteriously, the island itself had vanished. Spooked, the Shelby’s had been struck by greed and valued their Sapphire preciously and regarded it highly. After a few months, the power of the Sapphire had fully consumed Jay-Lloyd Shelby, and he valued it even over his wife and children.

The morning after the burglarly, a police officer announced that the robbers had been caught and all of the Shelby’s possessions had been recovered. However, Shelby only seemed concerned about his precious lost Sapphire.

“No, no Sapphire of any sort has been recovered” Replied the policeman

“You’re kidding me, have you taken it, have you taken my Sapphire, I want my Sapphire, I want it now, Have you any idea of the value of that Sapphire” Was the angry response from Jay-Lloyd Shelby.

Jay-Lloyd Shelby when back to his room, looking almost possessed. Then, he unlocked the safe in which his Sapphire had been kept. Strangely, he found a note inside of the safe. The note was written on what looked like ancient writing material, in runny ink handwriting. Mystified, Shelby opened up the note and read...
“You encountered something more powerful than you can possibly imagine. You were the chosen one, and you unwillingly took part in a test. You encountered the seven deadly gems, and you chose the central gem, the Sapphire.

My friend, you have been consumed, you had the choice of six other gems, but you took the most valuable gem, the one which would earn you the most in material good, by that I mean the most money. You could have walked away, but an impulse locked inside your brain said “go on, pick it up, keep it”, even though they so clearly belong to me.

The Sapphire was called ‘Avaritia’, and you picked it up. On Friday the 13th, the gem was returned to me, one year on. Back were it belongs. Has your life really been worth living, you have lost everything close to you, everything that matters to you.

For your information, ‘Avaritia’ is one of the seven deadly sins. ‘Avaritia’ means greed…”

The note suddenly turned to dust, and a shell-shocked looking Jay-Lloyd sat down on his bed, and suddenly realised, he had been consumed, and that this had been a warning. Jay-Lloyd should value what he has, and not be consumed by greed…


Well that’s my first attempt in a few years, any feedback would be appreciated, I did it rather quickly, but I’d still like to know what people think. Thanks

Biggie Little Jr.

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