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LOG IN THE CREEK
EPISODE 5
ìIn The Air Tonight (Hold On)î
------
VISITOR CENTER
Lt Colombo is studying the walls of the center, admiring the educational but cartoon character laden posters of forest protection whilst scratching his messy hair and humming to himself.
Log leans to Eartha ìYou think this pee-smelling maniac can help us find Herb?î
ìWhy yes, Colombo is one of the premier detectives yíknow. He may be somewhat senile now, but his mind is as sharp as everî
They turn to Colombo, who is asking his one-last-thing to the water cooler and scratching his head in a ìIím pretending I donít know what Iím doing hereî manner.
Log shrugs, ìOk, weíll let him help.î
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The feral Chains is watching the rogue A-Team help local farmers to construct a barn for him and smiling evilly while he records his next multi-million selling (in Germany) record.
ìI can sing and I look totally sexy when I runî he sings with mediocre Scorpions-type backing music provided in DAT form.
The locals finish building the barn and wave goodbye as the rogue A-Team refuse to assist them this time against property developers.
BA laughs to Face Man ìIím helluva glad we stopped helping these crazy fools for nothing. Where did we get our money from if we always refused the payment? What kind of jibba-jabbe is that?î
Face has disguised himself as yet another government official, ìWell BA, I used to con stuff from supply depots and sell it for crack.î
Feral Chains looks angry, ìDrugs are bad, donít you know this? I proved this time and time again by beating them up on my show and then rescuing ethnic kids from rapidly flooding caves. You should say no to drugs, Rogue A-Team. You used to be a beacon of inspiration to the 80ís generation of TV babies.î
BA snarls, ìCrazy Fool, I ended up broke and with cancer, but I still overcame it and Iím still here. Talk to me about iconsÖI pity da fool that tries to replace me in the hearts of a now late-twenties/early thirties generation of cult TV worshippersî
VISITOR CENTER
Log has explained the situation to Colombo, who has stopped trying to arrest the water cooler and is listening intently, with his wandering eye staring off into space, throwing Log somewhat.
ìSo youíve got this clear now Lt Colombo?î
ìI think so. Martin Landau didnít do it this time, nor did Dick Van D**e. But instead, I am looking for a feral Chains Keeley, a missing Herb and trying to discover what the plans of the Rogue Environmental Agency are.î
Log nods, ìExactly right Lt Colombo.î
ìAnd which one is Ironside again?î
Log smacks his forehead with his hand and goes outside to do forest-ranger stuff before he loses his noble cool and tears the addled, pee stinking TV detective in half.
ROGUE ENVIRONMENT AGENCY HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss is sitting at his desk, with Hannibal now disguised as a Mexican melon farmer (not unlike Charles Bronson in Mr Majestyk).
ìSo Hannibalî says the evil boss, ìYour rogue A-Team are in place?î
ìIndeed they areî smiles Hannibal, now in his dragon outfit from the opening credits of the A-Team, ìReady for the word.î
ìExcellent. 1st I will explain my nefarious plans for flooding the valley by blowing up the dam and utilising the hydro-electric energy to power my super-laser, with which I intend to hold the world to ransom.î
Hannibal lights a cigar and smiles through the face-hole in the dragon neck ìI love it when a plan comes togetherî
The evil boss groans at the tired catch phrase and nods.
ìSoî says Hannibal, ìWhat are we going to do with Herb?î
ìWell, he knows about this place, so we must eliminate him soon, but until then we can leave him down there to go mentalî
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL AGENCY SECRET PRISON WING
Herb is sitting on the floor, drawing with some chalk that had mysteriously appeared, whistling quite happily to himself.
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
Log, Blane, Eartha, Bear and Red are watching Colombo wander about, questioning trees and scratching his head.
ìAre you sure about this Log?î asks Red
ìNopeî
ìHeís not right is he?î
ìNope. But we must allow his cameo for added cult-valueî
ìFair enoughî
The group watch with disgust as Lt Colombo heads off into the woods to begin his search for clues.
Bear looks uncomfortable, but bearded and full of vigour, ìSo Log, do you think this Rogue Environmental Agency are behind all of this?î
Log stands so the sun catches him just right and nods, ìYes. For what I do not know, but their guilt I am certain ofî
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The rogue A-Team are laying about, whacked out of their gourds on crack and Chains is sitting on his throne, talking via mobile phone to a German Radio Station.
ìYes, my new album is being recorded as we speak.î
ìGoot. Und vill be available in any shops?î
ìIn Germany yes, for your taste in soft-rock is ages behind the rest of the world and I am a big star thereî
ìJah, und vill zis be on a CD mitt Nazareth und Saxon? Not available in any shops?î
ìI think so yesî
ìGoot. Your music is most pleasing to ze ears und you are most talentedî
ìYes I am. Plus I am wise and noble and in surprisingly good shape for a mid-forties tv icon. And I have an afro.î
VISITOR CENTER
The gang are going over the clues left in the mortuary where Herb went missing, Sage Owl is tasting all items touched by Herb.
ìHmmÖI think he has been kidnapped by a rogue environmental agency and is being held in a secret prison wing.î
Log nods, ìIt makes perfect sense. But why kill Leaf and leave his body here, surely that would mean something?î
Bear laughs loudly, ìYes. But it is always the case that the criminal leaving clues for us betrays perfectly executed crimes. This is the way of television shows.î
Eartha nods, ìThatís how I solved most of my murders that I wroteî
The door bangs open and in walks Colombo clutching a bag, ìGood people, I have solved the mystery.î
Everyone turns and looks at the confused, bumbling Lt Colombo, ìGo on then, explainî
ìWellî begins Colombo, ìIt was the coat. I never understood why he would leave his coat there, unless he wanted us to think he had been there that night. If we thought that, then we would never have placed him at the scene of the murderî
ìJesus, heís lost it againî sighs Blane.
Colombo carries on his stupid explanation for another 3 mins before holding out the bag, ìAnd here is the culpritî.
Colombo reaches into the bag and tips out a very disgruntled wolverine, ìMr Jones, the chemist from the drugstore where she got her medicine from in the 1st place, he was in the perfect place to slip her poisonî
Bear runs over and cuddles the wolverine, placating it before stuffing it into his beard and dashing out of the visitor center in tears
ìHe loves animalsî says Log before pushing Colombo outside, ìGo, go into the woods and find more criminals please, you pee-stinking, senile old gooberî.
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
Chains has finished his interview and is watching the rogue A-Team construct yet more buildings with the help of gullible locals scared of property developers (headed by Clint Eastwoodís mate from the ape-movies).
Chains sits back on his throne and teases his afro with soul-glo until a shiny gleam is brought forth.
He is disturbed by a rustling from the nearby woods and spins round in slo-mo to see what this noise could be.
There is a muffled yelp and the sound of branches.
The rogue A-Team stop and high-five each other as they realise their trap has caught somebody at last (but in a non-lethal manner).
Chains struts to the edge of the woods to discover the rogue A-Teamís net-trap has caught Lt Colombo.
Chains rubs his hands together and cuts down the hapless stinky Lt, bringing him back to the Feral Hasslehoff camp.
The rogue A-Team dance around him and point, whilst Murdoch has assumed the personality of a WWII German U-boat commander.
Feral Chains asks this pee-stink stranger who he is
ìI am Lt Colomboî
ìÖyou stink of pee, old man.î
ìI am Lt Colomboî he repeats, before bursting into tears, ìWhat time is dinner please?î
ìChris, heís mentalî sneers BA, ìLetís wash him and make him our toyî
ìNO!î commands Feral Chains, ìWe must discover why an aged TV detective is wandering around the woods near my Feral outpost. I smell Logî
VISITOR CENTER
The phone rings and Log answers it. Replacing the handset, he turns to the gang, ìFeral Chains Keely has Colombo. He says to send a German Rock Band to his outpost or weíll never see the Lt againî
Eartha is concerned and claps her hand over her mouth dramatically at regular intervals.
Blane smiles, ìI know who can help usî and leaves the room to summon assistance.
Log is concerned, ì1st Leaf turns up dead, then Smokey is kidnapped, Herb is taken prisoner by unknown forces and now Lt Colombo is being held by a feral David Hasslehoff and the rogue A-Team. We are in trouble.î
Blane comes back and smiles, ìHelp is at hand, listen.î
Everyone goes silent and listens.
Bear laughs and strokes his beard, ìI hear nothingî
Blane smiles ìExactly. Go outsideî
They do so
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
The gang troop out to discover that Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are standing there. They greet Blane with a hug and turn to face the group.
ìHello Log, your noble wood exploits are renowned amongst tv folk. We are her to help you with our silent helicopterî
Log looks shocked, ìNot?Öî
ìYesî nods Jan Michael-Vincent, ìAirwolfî
The sleek attack-helicopter is waiting in a clearing.
Red grins, ìWith Airwolfís capabilities, we are sure to win nowî
ìYesî nods Log and climbs aboard after Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are ready.
They take to the air in silent-mode and proceed to search the woods for the Feral Hasslehoff camp
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss and Hannibal are ecstatic with their new addition to their evil plans for the woods.
They walk out to the helipad and gaze upon the chunky-but-functional form of Blue Thunder.
ìExcellentî says the evil boss, ìNow we can test which is better, Airwolf or Blue Thunderî
THE SKY
Airwolf is flying about when Blue Thunder hovers into view.
ìHello Airwolfî says Roy Scheider, ìIt is time we settled this score once and for all. Which is better? Airwolf or Blue Thunder?î
To be continuedÖ
EPISODE 5
ìIn The Air Tonight (Hold On)î
------
VISITOR CENTER
Lt Colombo is studying the walls of the center, admiring the educational but cartoon character laden posters of forest protection whilst scratching his messy hair and humming to himself.
Log leans to Eartha ìYou think this pee-smelling maniac can help us find Herb?î
ìWhy yes, Colombo is one of the premier detectives yíknow. He may be somewhat senile now, but his mind is as sharp as everî
They turn to Colombo, who is asking his one-last-thing to the water cooler and scratching his head in a ìIím pretending I donít know what Iím doing hereî manner.
Log shrugs, ìOk, weíll let him help.î
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The feral Chains is watching the rogue A-Team help local farmers to construct a barn for him and smiling evilly while he records his next multi-million selling (in Germany) record.
ìI can sing and I look totally sexy when I runî he sings with mediocre Scorpions-type backing music provided in DAT form.
The locals finish building the barn and wave goodbye as the rogue A-Team refuse to assist them this time against property developers.
BA laughs to Face Man ìIím helluva glad we stopped helping these crazy fools for nothing. Where did we get our money from if we always refused the payment? What kind of jibba-jabbe is that?î
Face has disguised himself as yet another government official, ìWell BA, I used to con stuff from supply depots and sell it for crack.î
Feral Chains looks angry, ìDrugs are bad, donít you know this? I proved this time and time again by beating them up on my show and then rescuing ethnic kids from rapidly flooding caves. You should say no to drugs, Rogue A-Team. You used to be a beacon of inspiration to the 80ís generation of TV babies.î
BA snarls, ìCrazy Fool, I ended up broke and with cancer, but I still overcame it and Iím still here. Talk to me about iconsÖI pity da fool that tries to replace me in the hearts of a now late-twenties/early thirties generation of cult TV worshippersî
VISITOR CENTER
Log has explained the situation to Colombo, who has stopped trying to arrest the water cooler and is listening intently, with his wandering eye staring off into space, throwing Log somewhat.
ìSo youíve got this clear now Lt Colombo?î
ìI think so. Martin Landau didnít do it this time, nor did Dick Van D**e. But instead, I am looking for a feral Chains Keeley, a missing Herb and trying to discover what the plans of the Rogue Environmental Agency are.î
Log nods, ìExactly right Lt Colombo.î
ìAnd which one is Ironside again?î
Log smacks his forehead with his hand and goes outside to do forest-ranger stuff before he loses his noble cool and tears the addled, pee stinking TV detective in half.
ROGUE ENVIRONMENT AGENCY HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss is sitting at his desk, with Hannibal now disguised as a Mexican melon farmer (not unlike Charles Bronson in Mr Majestyk).
ìSo Hannibalî says the evil boss, ìYour rogue A-Team are in place?î
ìIndeed they areî smiles Hannibal, now in his dragon outfit from the opening credits of the A-Team, ìReady for the word.î
ìExcellent. 1st I will explain my nefarious plans for flooding the valley by blowing up the dam and utilising the hydro-electric energy to power my super-laser, with which I intend to hold the world to ransom.î
Hannibal lights a cigar and smiles through the face-hole in the dragon neck ìI love it when a plan comes togetherî
The evil boss groans at the tired catch phrase and nods.
ìSoî says Hannibal, ìWhat are we going to do with Herb?î
ìWell, he knows about this place, so we must eliminate him soon, but until then we can leave him down there to go mentalî
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL AGENCY SECRET PRISON WING
Herb is sitting on the floor, drawing with some chalk that had mysteriously appeared, whistling quite happily to himself.
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
Log, Blane, Eartha, Bear and Red are watching Colombo wander about, questioning trees and scratching his head.
ìAre you sure about this Log?î asks Red
ìNopeî
ìHeís not right is he?î
ìNope. But we must allow his cameo for added cult-valueî
ìFair enoughî
The group watch with disgust as Lt Colombo heads off into the woods to begin his search for clues.
Bear looks uncomfortable, but bearded and full of vigour, ìSo Log, do you think this Rogue Environmental Agency are behind all of this?î
Log stands so the sun catches him just right and nods, ìYes. For what I do not know, but their guilt I am certain ofî
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The rogue A-Team are laying about, whacked out of their gourds on crack and Chains is sitting on his throne, talking via mobile phone to a German Radio Station.
ìYes, my new album is being recorded as we speak.î
ìGoot. Und vill be available in any shops?î
ìIn Germany yes, for your taste in soft-rock is ages behind the rest of the world and I am a big star thereî
ìJah, und vill zis be on a CD mitt Nazareth und Saxon? Not available in any shops?î
ìI think so yesî
ìGoot. Your music is most pleasing to ze ears und you are most talentedî
ìYes I am. Plus I am wise and noble and in surprisingly good shape for a mid-forties tv icon. And I have an afro.î
VISITOR CENTER
The gang are going over the clues left in the mortuary where Herb went missing, Sage Owl is tasting all items touched by Herb.
ìHmmÖI think he has been kidnapped by a rogue environmental agency and is being held in a secret prison wing.î
Log nods, ìIt makes perfect sense. But why kill Leaf and leave his body here, surely that would mean something?î
Bear laughs loudly, ìYes. But it is always the case that the criminal leaving clues for us betrays perfectly executed crimes. This is the way of television shows.î
Eartha nods, ìThatís how I solved most of my murders that I wroteî
The door bangs open and in walks Colombo clutching a bag, ìGood people, I have solved the mystery.î
Everyone turns and looks at the confused, bumbling Lt Colombo, ìGo on then, explainî
ìWellî begins Colombo, ìIt was the coat. I never understood why he would leave his coat there, unless he wanted us to think he had been there that night. If we thought that, then we would never have placed him at the scene of the murderî
ìJesus, heís lost it againî sighs Blane.
Colombo carries on his stupid explanation for another 3 mins before holding out the bag, ìAnd here is the culpritî.
Colombo reaches into the bag and tips out a very disgruntled wolverine, ìMr Jones, the chemist from the drugstore where she got her medicine from in the 1st place, he was in the perfect place to slip her poisonî
Bear runs over and cuddles the wolverine, placating it before stuffing it into his beard and dashing out of the visitor center in tears
ìHe loves animalsî says Log before pushing Colombo outside, ìGo, go into the woods and find more criminals please, you pee-stinking, senile old gooberî.
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
Chains has finished his interview and is watching the rogue A-Team construct yet more buildings with the help of gullible locals scared of property developers (headed by Clint Eastwoodís mate from the ape-movies).
Chains sits back on his throne and teases his afro with soul-glo until a shiny gleam is brought forth.
He is disturbed by a rustling from the nearby woods and spins round in slo-mo to see what this noise could be.
There is a muffled yelp and the sound of branches.
The rogue A-Team stop and high-five each other as they realise their trap has caught somebody at last (but in a non-lethal manner).
Chains struts to the edge of the woods to discover the rogue A-Teamís net-trap has caught Lt Colombo.
Chains rubs his hands together and cuts down the hapless stinky Lt, bringing him back to the Feral Hasslehoff camp.
The rogue A-Team dance around him and point, whilst Murdoch has assumed the personality of a WWII German U-boat commander.
Feral Chains asks this pee-stink stranger who he is
ìI am Lt Colomboî
ìÖyou stink of pee, old man.î
ìI am Lt Colomboî he repeats, before bursting into tears, ìWhat time is dinner please?î
ìChris, heís mentalî sneers BA, ìLetís wash him and make him our toyî
ìNO!î commands Feral Chains, ìWe must discover why an aged TV detective is wandering around the woods near my Feral outpost. I smell Logî
VISITOR CENTER
The phone rings and Log answers it. Replacing the handset, he turns to the gang, ìFeral Chains Keely has Colombo. He says to send a German Rock Band to his outpost or weíll never see the Lt againî
Eartha is concerned and claps her hand over her mouth dramatically at regular intervals.
Blane smiles, ìI know who can help usî and leaves the room to summon assistance.
Log is concerned, ì1st Leaf turns up dead, then Smokey is kidnapped, Herb is taken prisoner by unknown forces and now Lt Colombo is being held by a feral David Hasslehoff and the rogue A-Team. We are in trouble.î
Blane comes back and smiles, ìHelp is at hand, listen.î
Everyone goes silent and listens.
Bear laughs and strokes his beard, ìI hear nothingî
Blane smiles ìExactly. Go outsideî
They do so
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
The gang troop out to discover that Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are standing there. They greet Blane with a hug and turn to face the group.
ìHello Log, your noble wood exploits are renowned amongst tv folk. We are her to help you with our silent helicopterî
Log looks shocked, ìNot?Öî
ìYesî nods Jan Michael-Vincent, ìAirwolfî
The sleek attack-helicopter is waiting in a clearing.
Red grins, ìWith Airwolfís capabilities, we are sure to win nowî
ìYesî nods Log and climbs aboard after Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are ready.
They take to the air in silent-mode and proceed to search the woods for the Feral Hasslehoff camp
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss and Hannibal are ecstatic with their new addition to their evil plans for the woods.
They walk out to the helipad and gaze upon the chunky-but-functional form of Blue Thunder.
ìExcellentî says the evil boss, ìNow we can test which is better, Airwolf or Blue Thunderî
THE SKY
Airwolf is flying about when Blue Thunder hovers into view.
ìHello Airwolfî says Roy Scheider, ìIt is time we settled this score once and for all. Which is better? Airwolf or Blue Thunder?î
To be continuedÖ
*hehe*
You noticed that eh?
Glad my hidden puns are not missed.
You noticed that eh?
Glad my hidden puns are not missed.
"I smell Log."
Excellent.
Excellent.
The plot thickens as the pace quickens....
Particularly looking forward to the Airwolf/Blue Thunder clash.
'Catch you later'
Particularly looking forward to the Airwolf/Blue Thunder clash.
'Catch you later'
LOL!
As good as ever Goaty, well done.
As good as ever Goaty, well done.
LOG IN THE CREEK
EPISODE 5
ìIn The Air Tonight (Hold On)î
------
VISITOR CENTER
Lt Colombo is studying the walls of the center, admiring the educational but cartoon character laden posters of forest protection whilst scratching his messy hair and humming to himself.
Log leans to Eartha ìYou think this pee-smelling maniac can help us find Herb?î
ìWhy yes, Colombo is one of the premier detectives yíknow. He may be somewhat senile now, but his mind is as sharp as everî
They turn to Colombo, who is asking his one-last-thing to the water cooler and scratching his head in a ìIím pretending I donít know what Iím doing hereî manner.
Log shrugs, ìOk, weíll let him help.î
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The feral Chains is watching the rogue A-Team help local farmers to construct a barn for him and smiling evilly while he records his next multi-million selling (in Germany) record.
ìI can sing and I look totally sexy when I runî he sings with mediocre Scorpions-type backing music provided in DAT form.
The locals finish building the barn and wave goodbye as the rogue A-Team refuse to assist them this time against property developers.
BA laughs to Face Man ìIím helluva glad we stopped helping these crazy fools for nothing. Where did we get our money from if we always refused the payment? What kind of jibba-jabbe is that?î
Face has disguised himself as yet another government official, ìWell BA, I used to con stuff from supply depots and sell it for crack.î
Feral Chains looks angry, ìDrugs are bad, donít you know this? I proved this time and time again by beating them up on my show and then rescuing ethnic kids from rapidly flooding caves. You should say no to drugs, Rogue A-Team. You used to be a beacon of inspiration to the 80ís generation of TV babies.î
BA snarls, ìCrazy Fool, I ended up broke and with cancer, but I still overcame it and Iím still here. Talk to me about iconsÖI pity da fool that tries to replace me in the hearts of a now late-twenties/early thirties generation of cult TV worshippersî
VISITOR CENTER
Log has explained the situation to Colombo, who has stopped trying to arrest the water cooler and is listening intently, with his wandering eye staring off into space, throwing Log somewhat.
ìSo youíve got this clear now Lt Colombo?î
ìI think so. Martin Landau didnít do it this time, nor did Dick Van D**e. But instead, I am looking for a feral Chains Keeley, a missing Herb and trying to discover what the plans of the Rogue Environmental Agency are.î
Log nods, ìExactly right Lt Colombo.î
ìAnd which one is Ironside again?î
Log smacks his forehead with his hand and goes outside to do forest-ranger stuff before he loses his noble cool and tears the addled, pee stinking TV detective in half.
ROGUE ENVIRONMENT AGENCY HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss is sitting at his desk, with Hannibal now disguised as a Mexican melon farmer (not unlike Charles Bronson in Mr Majestyk).
ìSo Hannibalî says the evil boss, ìYour rogue A-Team are in place?î
ìIndeed they areî smiles Hannibal, now in his dragon outfit from the opening credits of the A-Team, ìReady for the word.î
ìExcellent. 1st I will explain my nefarious plans for flooding the valley by blowing up the dam and utilising the hydro-electric energy to power my super-laser, with which I intend to hold the world to ransom.î
Hannibal lights a cigar and smiles through the face-hole in the dragon neck ìI love it when a plan comes togetherî
The evil boss groans at the tired catch phrase and nods.
ìSoî says Hannibal, ìWhat are we going to do with Herb?î
ìWell, he knows about this place, so we must eliminate him soon, but until then we can leave him down there to go mentalî
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL AGENCY SECRET PRISON WING
Herb is sitting on the floor, drawing with some chalk that had mysteriously appeared, whistling quite happily to himself.
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
Log, Blane, Eartha, Bear and Red are watching Colombo wander about, questioning trees and scratching his head.
ìAre you sure about this Log?î asks Red
ìNopeî
ìHeís not right is he?î
ìNope. But we must allow his cameo for added cult-valueî
ìFair enoughî
The group watch with disgust as Lt Colombo heads off into the woods to begin his search for clues.
Bear looks uncomfortable, but bearded and full of vigour, ìSo Log, do you think this Rogue Environmental Agency are behind all of this?î
Log stands so the sun catches him just right and nods, ìYes. For what I do not know, but their guilt I am certain ofî
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The rogue A-Team are laying about, whacked out of their gourds on crack and Chains is sitting on his throne, talking via mobile phone to a German Radio Station.
ìYes, my new album is being recorded as we speak.î
ìGoot. Und vill be available in any shops?î
ìIn Germany yes, for your taste in soft-rock is ages behind the rest of the world and I am a big star thereî
ìJah, und vill zis be on a CD mitt Nazareth und Saxon? Not available in any shops?î
ìI think so yesî
ìGoot. Your music is most pleasing to ze ears und you are most talentedî
ìYes I am. Plus I am wise and noble and in surprisingly good shape for a mid-forties tv icon. And I have an afro.î
VISITOR CENTER
The gang are going over the clues left in the mortuary where Herb went missing, Sage Owl is tasting all items touched by Herb.
ìHmmÖI think he has been kidnapped by a rogue environmental agency and is being held in a secret prison wing.î
Log nods, ìIt makes perfect sense. But why kill Leaf and leave his body here, surely that would mean something?î
Bear laughs loudly, ìYes. But it is always the case that the criminal leaving clues for us betrays perfectly executed crimes. This is the way of television shows.î
Eartha nods, ìThatís how I solved most of my murders that I wroteî
The door bangs open and in walks Colombo clutching a bag, ìGood people, I have solved the mystery.î
Everyone turns and looks at the confused, bumbling Lt Colombo, ìGo on then, explainî
ìWellî begins Colombo, ìIt was the coat. I never understood why he would leave his coat there, unless he wanted us to think he had been there that night. If we thought that, then we would never have placed him at the scene of the murderî
ìJesus, heís lost it againî sighs Blane.
Colombo carries on his stupid explanation for another 3 mins before holding out the bag, ìAnd here is the culpritî.
Colombo reaches into the bag and tips out a very disgruntled wolverine, ìMr Jones, the chemist from the drugstore where she got her medicine from in the 1st place, he was in the perfect place to slip her poisonî
Bear runs over and cuddles the wolverine, placating it before stuffing it into his beard and dashing out of the visitor center in tears
ìHe loves animalsî says Log before pushing Colombo outside, ìGo, go into the woods and find more criminals please, you pee-stinking, senile old gooberî.
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
Chains has finished his interview and is watching the rogue A-Team construct yet more buildings with the help of gullible locals scared of property developers (headed by Clint Eastwoodís mate from the ape-movies).
Chains sits back on his throne and teases his afro with soul-glo until a shiny gleam is brought forth.
He is disturbed by a rustling from the nearby woods and spins round in slo-mo to see what this noise could be.
There is a muffled yelp and the sound of branches.
The rogue A-Team stop and high-five each other as they realise their trap has caught somebody at last (but in a non-lethal manner).
Chains struts to the edge of the woods to discover the rogue A-Teamís net-trap has caught Lt Colombo.
Chains rubs his hands together and cuts down the hapless stinky Lt, bringing him back to the Feral Hasslehoff camp.
The rogue A-Team dance around him and point, whilst Murdoch has assumed the personality of a WWII German U-boat commander.
Feral Chains asks this pee-stink stranger who he is
ìI am Lt Colomboî
ìÖyou stink of pee, old man.î
ìI am Lt Colomboî he repeats, before bursting into tears, ìWhat time is dinner please?î
ìChris, heís mentalî sneers BA, ìLetís wash him and make him our toyî
ìNO!î commands Feral Chains, ìWe must discover why an aged TV detective is wandering around the woods near my Feral outpost. I smell Logî
VISITOR CENTER
The phone rings and Log answers it. Replacing the handset, he turns to the gang, ìFeral Chains Keely has Colombo. He says to send a German Rock Band to his outpost or weíll never see the Lt againî
Eartha is concerned and claps her hand over her mouth dramatically at regular intervals.
Blane smiles, ìI know who can help usî and leaves the room to summon assistance.
Log is concerned, ì1st Leaf turns up dead, then Smokey is kidnapped, Herb is taken prisoner by unknown forces and now Lt Colombo is being held by a feral David Hasslehoff and the rogue A-Team. We are in trouble.î
Blane comes back and smiles, ìHelp is at hand, listen.î
Everyone goes silent and listens.
Bear laughs and strokes his beard, ìI hear nothingî
Blane smiles ìExactly. Go outsideî
They do so
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
The gang troop out to discover that Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are standing there. They greet Blane with a hug and turn to face the group.
ìHello Log, your noble wood exploits are renowned amongst tv folk. We are her to help you with our silent helicopterî
Log looks shocked, ìNot?Öî
ìYesî nods Jan Michael-Vincent, ìAirwolfî
The sleek attack-helicopter is waiting in a clearing.
Red grins, ìWith Airwolfís capabilities, we are sure to win nowî
ìYesî nods Log and climbs aboard after Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are ready.
They take to the air in silent-mode and proceed to search the woods for the Feral Hasslehoff camp
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss and Hannibal are ecstatic with their new addition to their evil plans for the woods.
They walk out to the helipad and gaze upon the chunky-but-functional form of Blue Thunder.
ìExcellentî says the evil boss, ìNow we can test which is better, Airwolf or Blue Thunderî
THE SKY
Airwolf is flying about when Blue Thunder hovers into view.
ìHello Airwolfî says Roy Scheider, ìIt is time we settled this score once and for all. Which is better? Airwolf or Blue Thunder?î
To be continuedÖ
EPISODE 5
ìIn The Air Tonight (Hold On)î
------
VISITOR CENTER
Lt Colombo is studying the walls of the center, admiring the educational but cartoon character laden posters of forest protection whilst scratching his messy hair and humming to himself.
Log leans to Eartha ìYou think this pee-smelling maniac can help us find Herb?î
ìWhy yes, Colombo is one of the premier detectives yíknow. He may be somewhat senile now, but his mind is as sharp as everî
They turn to Colombo, who is asking his one-last-thing to the water cooler and scratching his head in a ìIím pretending I donít know what Iím doing hereî manner.
Log shrugs, ìOk, weíll let him help.î
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The feral Chains is watching the rogue A-Team help local farmers to construct a barn for him and smiling evilly while he records his next multi-million selling (in Germany) record.
ìI can sing and I look totally sexy when I runî he sings with mediocre Scorpions-type backing music provided in DAT form.
The locals finish building the barn and wave goodbye as the rogue A-Team refuse to assist them this time against property developers.
BA laughs to Face Man ìIím helluva glad we stopped helping these crazy fools for nothing. Where did we get our money from if we always refused the payment? What kind of jibba-jabbe is that?î
Face has disguised himself as yet another government official, ìWell BA, I used to con stuff from supply depots and sell it for crack.î
Feral Chains looks angry, ìDrugs are bad, donít you know this? I proved this time and time again by beating them up on my show and then rescuing ethnic kids from rapidly flooding caves. You should say no to drugs, Rogue A-Team. You used to be a beacon of inspiration to the 80ís generation of TV babies.î
BA snarls, ìCrazy Fool, I ended up broke and with cancer, but I still overcame it and Iím still here. Talk to me about iconsÖI pity da fool that tries to replace me in the hearts of a now late-twenties/early thirties generation of cult TV worshippersî
VISITOR CENTER
Log has explained the situation to Colombo, who has stopped trying to arrest the water cooler and is listening intently, with his wandering eye staring off into space, throwing Log somewhat.
ìSo youíve got this clear now Lt Colombo?î
ìI think so. Martin Landau didnít do it this time, nor did Dick Van D**e. But instead, I am looking for a feral Chains Keeley, a missing Herb and trying to discover what the plans of the Rogue Environmental Agency are.î
Log nods, ìExactly right Lt Colombo.î
ìAnd which one is Ironside again?î
Log smacks his forehead with his hand and goes outside to do forest-ranger stuff before he loses his noble cool and tears the addled, pee stinking TV detective in half.
ROGUE ENVIRONMENT AGENCY HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss is sitting at his desk, with Hannibal now disguised as a Mexican melon farmer (not unlike Charles Bronson in Mr Majestyk).
ìSo Hannibalî says the evil boss, ìYour rogue A-Team are in place?î
ìIndeed they areî smiles Hannibal, now in his dragon outfit from the opening credits of the A-Team, ìReady for the word.î
ìExcellent. 1st I will explain my nefarious plans for flooding the valley by blowing up the dam and utilising the hydro-electric energy to power my super-laser, with which I intend to hold the world to ransom.î
Hannibal lights a cigar and smiles through the face-hole in the dragon neck ìI love it when a plan comes togetherî
The evil boss groans at the tired catch phrase and nods.
ìSoî says Hannibal, ìWhat are we going to do with Herb?î
ìWell, he knows about this place, so we must eliminate him soon, but until then we can leave him down there to go mentalî
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL AGENCY SECRET PRISON WING
Herb is sitting on the floor, drawing with some chalk that had mysteriously appeared, whistling quite happily to himself.
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
Log, Blane, Eartha, Bear and Red are watching Colombo wander about, questioning trees and scratching his head.
ìAre you sure about this Log?î asks Red
ìNopeî
ìHeís not right is he?î
ìNope. But we must allow his cameo for added cult-valueî
ìFair enoughî
The group watch with disgust as Lt Colombo heads off into the woods to begin his search for clues.
Bear looks uncomfortable, but bearded and full of vigour, ìSo Log, do you think this Rogue Environmental Agency are behind all of this?î
Log stands so the sun catches him just right and nods, ìYes. For what I do not know, but their guilt I am certain ofî
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
The rogue A-Team are laying about, whacked out of their gourds on crack and Chains is sitting on his throne, talking via mobile phone to a German Radio Station.
ìYes, my new album is being recorded as we speak.î
ìGoot. Und vill be available in any shops?î
ìIn Germany yes, for your taste in soft-rock is ages behind the rest of the world and I am a big star thereî
ìJah, und vill zis be on a CD mitt Nazareth und Saxon? Not available in any shops?î
ìI think so yesî
ìGoot. Your music is most pleasing to ze ears und you are most talentedî
ìYes I am. Plus I am wise and noble and in surprisingly good shape for a mid-forties tv icon. And I have an afro.î
VISITOR CENTER
The gang are going over the clues left in the mortuary where Herb went missing, Sage Owl is tasting all items touched by Herb.
ìHmmÖI think he has been kidnapped by a rogue environmental agency and is being held in a secret prison wing.î
Log nods, ìIt makes perfect sense. But why kill Leaf and leave his body here, surely that would mean something?î
Bear laughs loudly, ìYes. But it is always the case that the criminal leaving clues for us betrays perfectly executed crimes. This is the way of television shows.î
Eartha nods, ìThatís how I solved most of my murders that I wroteî
The door bangs open and in walks Colombo clutching a bag, ìGood people, I have solved the mystery.î
Everyone turns and looks at the confused, bumbling Lt Colombo, ìGo on then, explainî
ìWellî begins Colombo, ìIt was the coat. I never understood why he would leave his coat there, unless he wanted us to think he had been there that night. If we thought that, then we would never have placed him at the scene of the murderî
ìJesus, heís lost it againî sighs Blane.
Colombo carries on his stupid explanation for another 3 mins before holding out the bag, ìAnd here is the culpritî.
Colombo reaches into the bag and tips out a very disgruntled wolverine, ìMr Jones, the chemist from the drugstore where she got her medicine from in the 1st place, he was in the perfect place to slip her poisonî
Bear runs over and cuddles the wolverine, placating it before stuffing it into his beard and dashing out of the visitor center in tears
ìHe loves animalsî says Log before pushing Colombo outside, ìGo, go into the woods and find more criminals please, you pee-stinking, senile old gooberî.
FERAL HASSLEHOFF CAMP
Chains has finished his interview and is watching the rogue A-Team construct yet more buildings with the help of gullible locals scared of property developers (headed by Clint Eastwoodís mate from the ape-movies).
Chains sits back on his throne and teases his afro with soul-glo until a shiny gleam is brought forth.
He is disturbed by a rustling from the nearby woods and spins round in slo-mo to see what this noise could be.
There is a muffled yelp and the sound of branches.
The rogue A-Team stop and high-five each other as they realise their trap has caught somebody at last (but in a non-lethal manner).
Chains struts to the edge of the woods to discover the rogue A-Teamís net-trap has caught Lt Colombo.
Chains rubs his hands together and cuts down the hapless stinky Lt, bringing him back to the Feral Hasslehoff camp.
The rogue A-Team dance around him and point, whilst Murdoch has assumed the personality of a WWII German U-boat commander.
Feral Chains asks this pee-stink stranger who he is
ìI am Lt Colomboî
ìÖyou stink of pee, old man.î
ìI am Lt Colomboî he repeats, before bursting into tears, ìWhat time is dinner please?î
ìChris, heís mentalî sneers BA, ìLetís wash him and make him our toyî
ìNO!î commands Feral Chains, ìWe must discover why an aged TV detective is wandering around the woods near my Feral outpost. I smell Logî
VISITOR CENTER
The phone rings and Log answers it. Replacing the handset, he turns to the gang, ìFeral Chains Keely has Colombo. He says to send a German Rock Band to his outpost or weíll never see the Lt againî
Eartha is concerned and claps her hand over her mouth dramatically at regular intervals.
Blane smiles, ìI know who can help usî and leaves the room to summon assistance.
Log is concerned, ì1st Leaf turns up dead, then Smokey is kidnapped, Herb is taken prisoner by unknown forces and now Lt Colombo is being held by a feral David Hasslehoff and the rogue A-Team. We are in trouble.î
Blane comes back and smiles, ìHelp is at hand, listen.î
Everyone goes silent and listens.
Bear laughs and strokes his beard, ìI hear nothingî
Blane smiles ìExactly. Go outsideî
They do so
OUTSIDE THE VISITOR CENTER
The gang troop out to discover that Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are standing there. They greet Blane with a hug and turn to face the group.
ìHello Log, your noble wood exploits are renowned amongst tv folk. We are her to help you with our silent helicopterî
Log looks shocked, ìNot?Öî
ìYesî nods Jan Michael-Vincent, ìAirwolfî
The sleek attack-helicopter is waiting in a clearing.
Red grins, ìWith Airwolfís capabilities, we are sure to win nowî
ìYesî nods Log and climbs aboard after Jan Michael-Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are ready.
They take to the air in silent-mode and proceed to search the woods for the Feral Hasslehoff camp
ROGUE ENVIRONMENTAL HEADQUARTERS
The evil boss and Hannibal are ecstatic with their new addition to their evil plans for the woods.
They walk out to the helipad and gaze upon the chunky-but-functional form of Blue Thunder.
ìExcellentî says the evil boss, ìNow we can test which is better, Airwolf or Blue Thunderî
THE SKY
Airwolf is flying about when Blue Thunder hovers into view.
ìHello Airwolfî says Roy Scheider, ìIt is time we settled this score once and for all. Which is better? Airwolf or Blue Thunder?î
To be continuedÖ