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It was an evening like any other evening. Some of the more popular notables were at the bar together just having a good time, every one of them, just chatting away, drinking and eyeing-up all the perdy ladies and the dazzling dames and the cor blimeys. But their daily routine suddenly changed from the normal “ooh err” to the “oh my god” routine. Yes that’s right. Sniper actually came up with an idea that everyone thought would be good!
“Just for a bit of fun and to try something different, lets have a little contest between us. Finish the drink you’ve got now and I’ll tell you the rest.”
Everyone carries on as normal, not expecting anything good to from him once they finish their pints. Naturally, Meka is the first to finish. He slurps down his last drop of Guinness and pushes the glass aside with the rest of them.
Ant is next to finish, chucking the last little bit of coke into his mouth and splashing it everywhere. Why coke you ask? Because Ant is too young to drink alcohol yet! So now you ask, “So why is he at a bar in the first place?” and there is only one possible answer to that question: it’s my spoof, okay? Don’t be so deferential all the time!
Edgy is sitting at the bar with a full pint in front of him, wondering how the hell everyone else is going to have the patience to wait for him to finish his pint, so he doesn’t bother. He waits for pb to finish, and doesn’t bother starting. Edgy looks over towards him, and as pb withdraws the glass from his foamy mouth and lets out a rather disturbing noise.
“Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaap! Phew, ‘scuse little ol’ me!”
Sniper looks towards Edgy.
“Are you gonna drink that?”
“Not yet. I might as well wait for you to say whatever you wanna say”
“Ok then. What I was going to say is, why don’t we have a little contest? Starting from now, the one who drinks the most without getting drunk or needing the bog wins, okay?”
There is a long, low sigh from everyone, but after a lot of persuasion and loads of bribery, Sniper finally manages to convince everyone to join in, and obviously he doesn’t tell them about the forfeit if they loose this little wager!
So everyone turns towards the bartender and orders their first drink of the match. The bartender disagrees with this whole thing and gives them a word of warning.
“We had to close the bogs tonight because someone left a humungous floater in each and every one, and the plumber won’t be here until Friday. Oh, and another thing, don’t stay here as late as you did last time. I’d like to close this place at normal time, okay?”
“Blame Sniper if there are any problems,” said Meka. “He’s the one who started it.”
“Okay then, if you say so.”
3 . . .2 . . . 1 . . . GO!!
The next day, the notables wake up at the same bar where they had been drinking the previous night. The look around, confused, not remembering the night before, wandering what the hell they are doing there, and why shotgun shells are all over the floor, where the bartender is and why there is a long trail of blood leading into the back room.
Edgy, in a slight panic about the blood, shells and missing bartender, rushes into the back room. He frantically searches the whole pub, even the pockets of the pool table. The bartender is nowhere to be found, and Edgy returns to the group in an even bigger panic.
After a short while, the rest of the notables manage to calm him down, but not after a short amount of grief. As the adrenalin dies down and their normal feelings begin to resume, everyone simultaneously remembers one very important matter at the same time.
“God, I am so desperate for a slash!”
Remembering the bartender’s last words, they avoid the toilets in the pub and head elsewhere.
“Now where do we go?” Ant moaned.
“Public toilets, I suppose,” said Meka.
“Does anyone know where they are?” Ant starts to get really desperate
“Nope.”
At this, everyone turns towards Meka, with puppy-dog eyes.
“Oh no. Ho ho ho no! I’m not stooping that low!”
There is a long silence and everyone remains static, still looking at Meka with puppy dog eyes.
“Oh all right, fine. I’ll let you use the bog at my house, but only under one condition.”
Getting anxious, everyone just agrees, without even asking what the condition is.
“Good, then you all understand that . . . I’m going first! And if you miss, you’ve gotta clear it up before my wife gets home from Tesco. Don’t worry about the next person to use it after you, just make sure it’s cleaned up before she gets back, okay?”
Everyone immediately agrees, and starts to rush towards Meka’s “pad”. First Meka, then Ant, then pb, Edgy and finally Sniper. CLANG! Sniper is the first to run into the signpost directly in front of the group immediately as they start going. How could he not miss it? The sign was distinctly labelled “Sign Post”. But no one seems to notice. Either that or no one seems to care. Anyway, everyone carries on and Sniper picks himself up and catches up with the rest of them and they continue.
Still over the top, they try to find their way back to Meka’s place. After searching long and hard, over hills and mountains, under rocks and earth, inside drainpipes and ventilators, they eventually find themselves . . . slightly closer, according to Meka’s “readings”, but still fairly lost in town, but by this time, they were completely sober, and the blazing sun must mean that it’s somewhere near lunchtime, but they didn’t care. All they wanted was to get to a bog as fast as possible. Isn’t it strange how they are so desperate, but can hold it in for so many hours?!
A few hours later, still following Meka on the way “home”, everyone starts to notice that their surroundings are somewhat more familiar than before. You know, it’s really odd how they leave the same pub every night, and yet still don’t know the way home! Anyway, the familiar surroundings, a trail of blood, some broken glasses and beer spilt all over the floor inside, and a street lined with vomit outside. Yes, that’s right, after hours of searching and squeezing into every nook and cranny, they finally find their way to . . . the pub again.
Ant looks suddenly bemused.
“Have we been here before today?”
A long silence falls over the group, and a tumbleweed begins to roll towards them.
This triggers something in Meka’s mind.
“Oh, I know the way home now.”
A sigh of relief flows through the group, and they all rush after Meka as he starts to run home, anxious to get to the bog, tripping over the tumbleweed in the process.
Reaching for the door handle, ready to go out for the weekly shopping, Meka’s wife is at home. She turns the handle, when the door comes crashing down as pb bursts into the house.
“Me first. Me first. I’m dying of bladder stretching!”
He rushes around the house, searching for the bog in every room except the bathroom, not realising the trail of dog mess that is being left wherever his right shoe touches the floor. Edgy is the first to notice the trail of mess.
“I told you he said too much.”
Meka rushes in after him, and grabs pb by the collar.
“Okay then. You first. You be the first to clear up all that!” he said, rather “peed” off now. “I’ll be the first to relieve myself. It’s my bog after all.”
It is at this point that everyone charges for the bathroom, whilst Meka is busy giving pb a good telling off. But as luck would have it, this distracts Meka and both Meka and pb charge for the bathroom door.
Meka plunges into the group of notables, squeezing through and somehow managing to get into the bathroom without causing to much blood to be spilt. So then, he is the first to relieve himself, and that’s when they all calm down and file into the bathroom in an orderly manner, and they all file in one by one. Obviously, after each one has done their business, they don’t file in altogether! Urgh!
Sometime later, everyone has left Meka’s place and he begins to feel tired.
“Okay, next time, never try out Sniper’s ideas. They’re too tiring!”
At that, he got up and went to bed. From the second his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.
And erm, that’s about it.
Thank you very much
*takes a bow*
Happy days
Twain
Read it and discuss!
“Just for a bit of fun and to try something different, lets have a little contest between us. Finish the drink you’ve got now and I’ll tell you the rest.”
Everyone carries on as normal, not expecting anything good to from him once they finish their pints. Naturally, Meka is the first to finish. He slurps down his last drop of Guinness and pushes the glass aside with the rest of them.
Ant is next to finish, chucking the last little bit of coke into his mouth and splashing it everywhere. Why coke you ask? Because Ant is too young to drink alcohol yet! So now you ask, “So why is he at a bar in the first place?” and there is only one possible answer to that question: it’s my spoof, okay? Don’t be so deferential all the time!
Edgy is sitting at the bar with a full pint in front of him, wondering how the hell everyone else is going to have the patience to wait for him to finish his pint, so he doesn’t bother. He waits for pb to finish, and doesn’t bother starting. Edgy looks over towards him, and as pb withdraws the glass from his foamy mouth and lets out a rather disturbing noise.
“Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaap! Phew, ‘scuse little ol’ me!”
Sniper looks towards Edgy.
“Are you gonna drink that?”
“Not yet. I might as well wait for you to say whatever you wanna say”
“Ok then. What I was going to say is, why don’t we have a little contest? Starting from now, the one who drinks the most without getting drunk or needing the bog wins, okay?”
There is a long, low sigh from everyone, but after a lot of persuasion and loads of bribery, Sniper finally manages to convince everyone to join in, and obviously he doesn’t tell them about the forfeit if they loose this little wager!
So everyone turns towards the bartender and orders their first drink of the match. The bartender disagrees with this whole thing and gives them a word of warning.
“We had to close the bogs tonight because someone left a humungous floater in each and every one, and the plumber won’t be here until Friday. Oh, and another thing, don’t stay here as late as you did last time. I’d like to close this place at normal time, okay?”
“Blame Sniper if there are any problems,” said Meka. “He’s the one who started it.”
“Okay then, if you say so.”
3 . . .2 . . . 1 . . . GO!!
The next day, the notables wake up at the same bar where they had been drinking the previous night. The look around, confused, not remembering the night before, wandering what the hell they are doing there, and why shotgun shells are all over the floor, where the bartender is and why there is a long trail of blood leading into the back room.
Edgy, in a slight panic about the blood, shells and missing bartender, rushes into the back room. He frantically searches the whole pub, even the pockets of the pool table. The bartender is nowhere to be found, and Edgy returns to the group in an even bigger panic.
After a short while, the rest of the notables manage to calm him down, but not after a short amount of grief. As the adrenalin dies down and their normal feelings begin to resume, everyone simultaneously remembers one very important matter at the same time.
“God, I am so desperate for a slash!”
Remembering the bartender’s last words, they avoid the toilets in the pub and head elsewhere.
“Now where do we go?” Ant moaned.
“Public toilets, I suppose,” said Meka.
“Does anyone know where they are?” Ant starts to get really desperate
“Nope.”
At this, everyone turns towards Meka, with puppy-dog eyes.
“Oh no. Ho ho ho no! I’m not stooping that low!”
There is a long silence and everyone remains static, still looking at Meka with puppy dog eyes.
“Oh all right, fine. I’ll let you use the bog at my house, but only under one condition.”
Getting anxious, everyone just agrees, without even asking what the condition is.
“Good, then you all understand that . . . I’m going first! And if you miss, you’ve gotta clear it up before my wife gets home from Tesco. Don’t worry about the next person to use it after you, just make sure it’s cleaned up before she gets back, okay?”
Everyone immediately agrees, and starts to rush towards Meka’s “pad”. First Meka, then Ant, then pb, Edgy and finally Sniper. CLANG! Sniper is the first to run into the signpost directly in front of the group immediately as they start going. How could he not miss it? The sign was distinctly labelled “Sign Post”. But no one seems to notice. Either that or no one seems to care. Anyway, everyone carries on and Sniper picks himself up and catches up with the rest of them and they continue.
Still over the top, they try to find their way back to Meka’s place. After searching long and hard, over hills and mountains, under rocks and earth, inside drainpipes and ventilators, they eventually find themselves . . . slightly closer, according to Meka’s “readings”, but still fairly lost in town, but by this time, they were completely sober, and the blazing sun must mean that it’s somewhere near lunchtime, but they didn’t care. All they wanted was to get to a bog as fast as possible. Isn’t it strange how they are so desperate, but can hold it in for so many hours?!
A few hours later, still following Meka on the way “home”, everyone starts to notice that their surroundings are somewhat more familiar than before. You know, it’s really odd how they leave the same pub every night, and yet still don’t know the way home! Anyway, the familiar surroundings, a trail of blood, some broken glasses and beer spilt all over the floor inside, and a street lined with vomit outside. Yes, that’s right, after hours of searching and squeezing into every nook and cranny, they finally find their way to . . . the pub again.
Ant looks suddenly bemused.
“Have we been here before today?”
A long silence falls over the group, and a tumbleweed begins to roll towards them.
This triggers something in Meka’s mind.
“Oh, I know the way home now.”
A sigh of relief flows through the group, and they all rush after Meka as he starts to run home, anxious to get to the bog, tripping over the tumbleweed in the process.
Reaching for the door handle, ready to go out for the weekly shopping, Meka’s wife is at home. She turns the handle, when the door comes crashing down as pb bursts into the house.
“Me first. Me first. I’m dying of bladder stretching!”
He rushes around the house, searching for the bog in every room except the bathroom, not realising the trail of dog mess that is being left wherever his right shoe touches the floor. Edgy is the first to notice the trail of mess.
“I told you he said too much.”
Meka rushes in after him, and grabs pb by the collar.
“Okay then. You first. You be the first to clear up all that!” he said, rather “peed” off now. “I’ll be the first to relieve myself. It’s my bog after all.”
It is at this point that everyone charges for the bathroom, whilst Meka is busy giving pb a good telling off. But as luck would have it, this distracts Meka and both Meka and pb charge for the bathroom door.
Meka plunges into the group of notables, squeezing through and somehow managing to get into the bathroom without causing to much blood to be spilt. So then, he is the first to relieve himself, and that’s when they all calm down and file into the bathroom in an orderly manner, and they all file in one by one. Obviously, after each one has done their business, they don’t file in altogether! Urgh!
Sometime later, everyone has left Meka’s place and he begins to feel tired.
“Okay, next time, never try out Sniper’s ideas. They’re too tiring!”
At that, he got up and went to bed. From the second his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.
And erm, that’s about it.
Thank you very much
*takes a bow*
Happy days
Twain
Read it and discuss!
RoJ wrote:
> Only got reading it there now. Very nice, it's entertaining. And
> SilverMerc, I'd like to see you writing a good spoof. Don't insult
> other peoples work if your own is no better. Even then, you shouldn't
> insult it.
I agree. I know it was very long, though. But he should consioder the fact that, even if it was boring, isn't there credit in there somewhere for all the time I sepnt on it?
> Only got reading it there now. Very nice, it's entertaining. And
> SilverMerc, I'd like to see you writing a good spoof. Don't insult
> other peoples work if your own is no better. Even then, you shouldn't
> insult it.
I agree. I know it was very long, though. But he should consioder the fact that, even if it was boring, isn't there credit in there somewhere for all the time I sepnt on it?
tigamilla wrote:
> Entertaining if slightly bizarre read... enjoyed reading it!!
>
> whats with the blood and spent shells though?? I wanna know..
heehee!
I was waiting for someone to ask that. Think about it and you'll figure it out!
> Entertaining if slightly bizarre read... enjoyed reading it!!
>
> whats with the blood and spent shells though?? I wanna know..
heehee!
I was waiting for someone to ask that. Think about it and you'll figure it out!
Only got reading it there now. Very nice, it's entertaining. And SilverMerc, I'd like to see you writing a good spoof. Don't insult other peoples work if your own is no better. Even then, you shouldn't insult it.
Too Long, Too Boring
Entertaining if slightly bizarre read... enjoyed reading it!!
whats with the blood and spent shells though?? I wanna know..
whats with the blood and spent shells though?? I wanna know..
Thanks. I'm happy to see some replies now coming in!
Great story mate! Kyz, when are you doing your next one because you said i could be in it ages ago!
Thanks Kyz. It's nice to see I've finally got a reply. It took me hours to write it, but I only spent about an hour on it a day, so I suppose you could say it took me days to write. I tried to make it as funny as I could, so I hope other people will read it too!
Why has nobody but me bothered to comment on this?
Twain obviously put a helluva lotta effort into wiritng this.
Well done mate, I'd discuss it but there's nobody to do so with.
Twain obviously put a helluva lotta effort into wiritng this.
Well done mate, I'd discuss it but there's nobody to do so with.
It was an evening like any other evening. Some of the more popular notables were at the bar together just having a good time, every one of them, just chatting away, drinking and eyeing-up all the perdy ladies and the dazzling dames and the cor blimeys. But their daily routine suddenly changed from the normal “ooh err” to the “oh my god” routine. Yes that’s right. Sniper actually came up with an idea that everyone thought would be good!
“Just for a bit of fun and to try something different, lets have a little contest between us. Finish the drink you’ve got now and I’ll tell you the rest.”
Everyone carries on as normal, not expecting anything good to from him once they finish their pints. Naturally, Meka is the first to finish. He slurps down his last drop of Guinness and pushes the glass aside with the rest of them.
Ant is next to finish, chucking the last little bit of coke into his mouth and splashing it everywhere. Why coke you ask? Because Ant is too young to drink alcohol yet! So now you ask, “So why is he at a bar in the first place?” and there is only one possible answer to that question: it’s my spoof, okay? Don’t be so deferential all the time!
Edgy is sitting at the bar with a full pint in front of him, wondering how the hell everyone else is going to have the patience to wait for him to finish his pint, so he doesn’t bother. He waits for pb to finish, and doesn’t bother starting. Edgy looks over towards him, and as pb withdraws the glass from his foamy mouth and lets out a rather disturbing noise.
“Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaap! Phew, ‘scuse little ol’ me!”
Sniper looks towards Edgy.
“Are you gonna drink that?”
“Not yet. I might as well wait for you to say whatever you wanna say”
“Ok then. What I was going to say is, why don’t we have a little contest? Starting from now, the one who drinks the most without getting drunk or needing the bog wins, okay?”
There is a long, low sigh from everyone, but after a lot of persuasion and loads of bribery, Sniper finally manages to convince everyone to join in, and obviously he doesn’t tell them about the forfeit if they loose this little wager!
So everyone turns towards the bartender and orders their first drink of the match. The bartender disagrees with this whole thing and gives them a word of warning.
“We had to close the bogs tonight because someone left a humungous floater in each and every one, and the plumber won’t be here until Friday. Oh, and another thing, don’t stay here as late as you did last time. I’d like to close this place at normal time, okay?”
“Blame Sniper if there are any problems,” said Meka. “He’s the one who started it.”
“Okay then, if you say so.”
3 . . .2 . . . 1 . . . GO!!
The next day, the notables wake up at the same bar where they had been drinking the previous night. The look around, confused, not remembering the night before, wandering what the hell they are doing there, and why shotgun shells are all over the floor, where the bartender is and why there is a long trail of blood leading into the back room.
Edgy, in a slight panic about the blood, shells and missing bartender, rushes into the back room. He frantically searches the whole pub, even the pockets of the pool table. The bartender is nowhere to be found, and Edgy returns to the group in an even bigger panic.
After a short while, the rest of the notables manage to calm him down, but not after a short amount of grief. As the adrenalin dies down and their normal feelings begin to resume, everyone simultaneously remembers one very important matter at the same time.
“God, I am so desperate for a slash!”
Remembering the bartender’s last words, they avoid the toilets in the pub and head elsewhere.
“Now where do we go?” Ant moaned.
“Public toilets, I suppose,” said Meka.
“Does anyone know where they are?” Ant starts to get really desperate
“Nope.”
At this, everyone turns towards Meka, with puppy-dog eyes.
“Oh no. Ho ho ho no! I’m not stooping that low!”
There is a long silence and everyone remains static, still looking at Meka with puppy dog eyes.
“Oh all right, fine. I’ll let you use the bog at my house, but only under one condition.”
Getting anxious, everyone just agrees, without even asking what the condition is.
“Good, then you all understand that . . . I’m going first! And if you miss, you’ve gotta clear it up before my wife gets home from Tesco. Don’t worry about the next person to use it after you, just make sure it’s cleaned up before she gets back, okay?”
Everyone immediately agrees, and starts to rush towards Meka’s “pad”. First Meka, then Ant, then pb, Edgy and finally Sniper. CLANG! Sniper is the first to run into the signpost directly in front of the group immediately as they start going. How could he not miss it? The sign was distinctly labelled “Sign Post”. But no one seems to notice. Either that or no one seems to care. Anyway, everyone carries on and Sniper picks himself up and catches up with the rest of them and they continue.
Still over the top, they try to find their way back to Meka’s place. After searching long and hard, over hills and mountains, under rocks and earth, inside drainpipes and ventilators, they eventually find themselves . . . slightly closer, according to Meka’s “readings”, but still fairly lost in town, but by this time, they were completely sober, and the blazing sun must mean that it’s somewhere near lunchtime, but they didn’t care. All they wanted was to get to a bog as fast as possible. Isn’t it strange how they are so desperate, but can hold it in for so many hours?!
A few hours later, still following Meka on the way “home”, everyone starts to notice that their surroundings are somewhat more familiar than before. You know, it’s really odd how they leave the same pub every night, and yet still don’t know the way home! Anyway, the familiar surroundings, a trail of blood, some broken glasses and beer spilt all over the floor inside, and a street lined with vomit outside. Yes, that’s right, after hours of searching and squeezing into every nook and cranny, they finally find their way to . . . the pub again.
Ant looks suddenly bemused.
“Have we been here before today?”
A long silence falls over the group, and a tumbleweed begins to roll towards them.
This triggers something in Meka’s mind.
“Oh, I know the way home now.”
A sigh of relief flows through the group, and they all rush after Meka as he starts to run home, anxious to get to the bog, tripping over the tumbleweed in the process.
Reaching for the door handle, ready to go out for the weekly shopping, Meka’s wife is at home. She turns the handle, when the door comes crashing down as pb bursts into the house.
“Me first. Me first. I’m dying of bladder stretching!”
He rushes around the house, searching for the bog in every room except the bathroom, not realising the trail of dog mess that is being left wherever his right shoe touches the floor. Edgy is the first to notice the trail of mess.
“I told you he said too much.”
Meka rushes in after him, and grabs pb by the collar.
“Okay then. You first. You be the first to clear up all that!” he said, rather “peed” off now. “I’ll be the first to relieve myself. It’s my bog after all.”
It is at this point that everyone charges for the bathroom, whilst Meka is busy giving pb a good telling off. But as luck would have it, this distracts Meka and both Meka and pb charge for the bathroom door.
Meka plunges into the group of notables, squeezing through and somehow managing to get into the bathroom without causing to much blood to be spilt. So then, he is the first to relieve himself, and that’s when they all calm down and file into the bathroom in an orderly manner, and they all file in one by one. Obviously, after each one has done their business, they don’t file in altogether! Urgh!
Sometime later, everyone has left Meka’s place and he begins to feel tired.
“Okay, next time, never try out Sniper’s ideas. They’re too tiring!”
At that, he got up and went to bed. From the second his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.
And erm, that’s about it.
Thank you very much
*takes a bow*
Happy days
Twain
Read it and discuss!
“Just for a bit of fun and to try something different, lets have a little contest between us. Finish the drink you’ve got now and I’ll tell you the rest.”
Everyone carries on as normal, not expecting anything good to from him once they finish their pints. Naturally, Meka is the first to finish. He slurps down his last drop of Guinness and pushes the glass aside with the rest of them.
Ant is next to finish, chucking the last little bit of coke into his mouth and splashing it everywhere. Why coke you ask? Because Ant is too young to drink alcohol yet! So now you ask, “So why is he at a bar in the first place?” and there is only one possible answer to that question: it’s my spoof, okay? Don’t be so deferential all the time!
Edgy is sitting at the bar with a full pint in front of him, wondering how the hell everyone else is going to have the patience to wait for him to finish his pint, so he doesn’t bother. He waits for pb to finish, and doesn’t bother starting. Edgy looks over towards him, and as pb withdraws the glass from his foamy mouth and lets out a rather disturbing noise.
“Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaap! Phew, ‘scuse little ol’ me!”
Sniper looks towards Edgy.
“Are you gonna drink that?”
“Not yet. I might as well wait for you to say whatever you wanna say”
“Ok then. What I was going to say is, why don’t we have a little contest? Starting from now, the one who drinks the most without getting drunk or needing the bog wins, okay?”
There is a long, low sigh from everyone, but after a lot of persuasion and loads of bribery, Sniper finally manages to convince everyone to join in, and obviously he doesn’t tell them about the forfeit if they loose this little wager!
So everyone turns towards the bartender and orders their first drink of the match. The bartender disagrees with this whole thing and gives them a word of warning.
“We had to close the bogs tonight because someone left a humungous floater in each and every one, and the plumber won’t be here until Friday. Oh, and another thing, don’t stay here as late as you did last time. I’d like to close this place at normal time, okay?”
“Blame Sniper if there are any problems,” said Meka. “He’s the one who started it.”
“Okay then, if you say so.”
3 . . .2 . . . 1 . . . GO!!
The next day, the notables wake up at the same bar where they had been drinking the previous night. The look around, confused, not remembering the night before, wandering what the hell they are doing there, and why shotgun shells are all over the floor, where the bartender is and why there is a long trail of blood leading into the back room.
Edgy, in a slight panic about the blood, shells and missing bartender, rushes into the back room. He frantically searches the whole pub, even the pockets of the pool table. The bartender is nowhere to be found, and Edgy returns to the group in an even bigger panic.
After a short while, the rest of the notables manage to calm him down, but not after a short amount of grief. As the adrenalin dies down and their normal feelings begin to resume, everyone simultaneously remembers one very important matter at the same time.
“God, I am so desperate for a slash!”
Remembering the bartender’s last words, they avoid the toilets in the pub and head elsewhere.
“Now where do we go?” Ant moaned.
“Public toilets, I suppose,” said Meka.
“Does anyone know where they are?” Ant starts to get really desperate
“Nope.”
At this, everyone turns towards Meka, with puppy-dog eyes.
“Oh no. Ho ho ho no! I’m not stooping that low!”
There is a long silence and everyone remains static, still looking at Meka with puppy dog eyes.
“Oh all right, fine. I’ll let you use the bog at my house, but only under one condition.”
Getting anxious, everyone just agrees, without even asking what the condition is.
“Good, then you all understand that . . . I’m going first! And if you miss, you’ve gotta clear it up before my wife gets home from Tesco. Don’t worry about the next person to use it after you, just make sure it’s cleaned up before she gets back, okay?”
Everyone immediately agrees, and starts to rush towards Meka’s “pad”. First Meka, then Ant, then pb, Edgy and finally Sniper. CLANG! Sniper is the first to run into the signpost directly in front of the group immediately as they start going. How could he not miss it? The sign was distinctly labelled “Sign Post”. But no one seems to notice. Either that or no one seems to care. Anyway, everyone carries on and Sniper picks himself up and catches up with the rest of them and they continue.
Still over the top, they try to find their way back to Meka’s place. After searching long and hard, over hills and mountains, under rocks and earth, inside drainpipes and ventilators, they eventually find themselves . . . slightly closer, according to Meka’s “readings”, but still fairly lost in town, but by this time, they were completely sober, and the blazing sun must mean that it’s somewhere near lunchtime, but they didn’t care. All they wanted was to get to a bog as fast as possible. Isn’t it strange how they are so desperate, but can hold it in for so many hours?!
A few hours later, still following Meka on the way “home”, everyone starts to notice that their surroundings are somewhat more familiar than before. You know, it’s really odd how they leave the same pub every night, and yet still don’t know the way home! Anyway, the familiar surroundings, a trail of blood, some broken glasses and beer spilt all over the floor inside, and a street lined with vomit outside. Yes, that’s right, after hours of searching and squeezing into every nook and cranny, they finally find their way to . . . the pub again.
Ant looks suddenly bemused.
“Have we been here before today?”
A long silence falls over the group, and a tumbleweed begins to roll towards them.
This triggers something in Meka’s mind.
“Oh, I know the way home now.”
A sigh of relief flows through the group, and they all rush after Meka as he starts to run home, anxious to get to the bog, tripping over the tumbleweed in the process.
Reaching for the door handle, ready to go out for the weekly shopping, Meka’s wife is at home. She turns the handle, when the door comes crashing down as pb bursts into the house.
“Me first. Me first. I’m dying of bladder stretching!”
He rushes around the house, searching for the bog in every room except the bathroom, not realising the trail of dog mess that is being left wherever his right shoe touches the floor. Edgy is the first to notice the trail of mess.
“I told you he said too much.”
Meka rushes in after him, and grabs pb by the collar.
“Okay then. You first. You be the first to clear up all that!” he said, rather “peed” off now. “I’ll be the first to relieve myself. It’s my bog after all.”
It is at this point that everyone charges for the bathroom, whilst Meka is busy giving pb a good telling off. But as luck would have it, this distracts Meka and both Meka and pb charge for the bathroom door.
Meka plunges into the group of notables, squeezing through and somehow managing to get into the bathroom without causing to much blood to be spilt. So then, he is the first to relieve himself, and that’s when they all calm down and file into the bathroom in an orderly manner, and they all file in one by one. Obviously, after each one has done their business, they don’t file in altogether! Urgh!
Sometime later, everyone has left Meka’s place and he begins to feel tired.
“Okay, next time, never try out Sniper’s ideas. They’re too tiring!”
At that, he got up and went to bed. From the second his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.
And erm, that’s about it.
Thank you very much
*takes a bow*
Happy days
Twain
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