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"Console Character Deathmatch"

Bored once more, thoughts of music domination and other non-tedious related stuff.
So I now present the inter-platform character fight to settle the age-old and quite frankly dull question of ìWhich console is betterî
And this has been written in fun, so anyone that takes this seriously needs help.
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PlayStation Vs PC
Fighting in the grey corner, we have Solid Snake, whilst in the other corner (choose any colour, usually a tan job though) we have Max Payne.

Solid Snake weighs in at 200lbs, a bit more with his mullet and headband. Wearing the gimp-like body-suit and hailing from somewhere mysterious, ladies and gentlemen, will you welcomeÖSolid Snaaaaaaaaaaake
And weighing in at just under 190lbs, wearing the Hawaiian-shirt and leather coat, hailing from New York City, the city so great they named it twice, please give it up Mmmmmmax Paaaaaaaaayne!

Jimmy-Lennon Jr ìOk you two, we went through the rules in the dressing room. No hitting below the belts and no hair-pulling like big girls. Letís get it on!î
*seconds out, round one*

Snake is dropping to the floor and covering himself with a big cardboard box, unorthodox but legal.
Payne is watching him with a bemused expression and cocking his shotgun.
Snake is skittering around like a dog whilst Payne is standing there watching, nobody has made the 1st move yet.
Snake is out of the box and throwing a chaff-grenade at Payne, but whatís this?
Payne moves into bullet-time and is diving around with total style. Snake is standing there whilst Payne runs around him, not shooting just showing off his most excellent moves.

This is not your typical brawl.
Ok, Payne is out of bullet-time now and Snake has pressed himself against the turnbuckle trying to be stealthy? But he can be seen by anyone, look, heís right thereÖwhat a tool.
Payne climbs the turnbuckle opposite Snake, leaps backwards in slo-mo and throws a grenade at Snake. Snake managed to climb under the box and shield himself from the blast.
This isÖodd.
Ok, Snake is now on the offensive. He has his Socom pistol and is aiming at Payne, but Payne utilises his shoot-dodge move and leaps sideways, shooting like a madman from John Woo-land.

Snake is hit! He uses bandages and dials some ropey Chinese woman on his transistor, but Payne now has dual Ingrams. More bullet-time and Snake takes it in the face!
Payne finishes his drive, coming out with a roll and reloading his Ingrams in a single-move.
Snake is dead! And no amount of overly-bad voice acting saying ìSnake? Snake!î can bring him back.
Payne is standing there looking cool with not a scratch on him.
Payne wins.

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Sega vs Nintendo
Fighting in the multi-coloured corner with nice fluffy animals and big-eyed princessí we have Mario, whilst fighting out of the blue and red corner, we have Sonic The Hedgehog.

Weighing in at just over 350lbs, hailing from Little Italy, New York and wearing a boiler-suit and big hat will you please welcomeÖMmmmmariooooooo.
And hailing from a bizarre place where hedge-dwelling herbivores defeat robot-opponents, weighing in at a little over 25lbs and wearing red-sneakers, please give it up for Ssssonic The Hedgehoooooooooog

Jimmy-Lennon Jr ìOk you two, we went through the rules in the dressing room. No hitting below the belts and no using cute characters to make me sick please. Letís get it on!î
*seconds out, round one*

Mario is in the centre of the ring, running in circles and leaping with surprising agility considering heís a fat plumber in his forties with a really, really gay moustache.
Sonic is standing still doing nothing.
Mario leaps and comes back with a star? Sonic spins and attacks Mario, who leaps him and bounces on him to land on the other side of the ring, whilst Sonic stops and wonders where his golden ring is.

Mario is waving and saying ìIssa Me!î in a really cod-Italian accent, whilst Sonic says nothing. The strong and silent type.
Sonic spin attacks once more (seems to be his only attack method), whilst Mario leaps and smashes down on the little hedgehog with his fat plumber behind.
Sonic is squashed and releases a golden shower.
Of rings.

Mario is smiling inanely and running about in circles, whilst Sonic just spins about everywhere and loses his ring.
This fight is boring, where is the pixelated violence? Where is the suspense?
These two characters seem out of place without platforms to jump about to and from.

This fight is cancelled due to lack of interest.

Nes isn't too powerful.

He might have incredible power but is also difficult to use.

Also, that up+B blast is impossible to use in tight spaces.

The characters in Smash Brothers are brilliantly balanced. They also have more distinguished strenghs and weaknesses than most other fighting games.

Melee looks good too.

Ness is too powerful, I don't think he's a very fair or balanced character, so I don't use him. Jiggly Puff's normal attacks are quite powerful and his throws aren't feeble. His special attacks are totally useless though and toughness wise he is the joint easiest to kill. Kirby is similar but his special attacks are very good, especially if you steal Samus's blast, DK's punch or Falcon's Punch so in the end you may be better to chose Kirby since they look pretty much the same as well. Link is a very good character, his sword can do lots of damage and it isn't even his special move. The Boomerang is useful for cheap kills by stopping people jumping and the spin attack hits all round and is still quite strong. Link's disadvantages are his bomb attack's ability to wound him especially when picked up and thrown back and that he has a tendency to delay both recovery after attacking and sometimes preparing to attack. Jigglypuff's main advantage is when you use the French language his name is amusing and everything he says changes to something funnier. Though that is a novelty and quickly wears off.

Ness was good.

Strong throw and and you know that up+B move, you can send it into yourself to blast you in a certain direction.

Great for getting back onto the platform and when you've mastered it, it's even even better slamming into enemies.

It's as strong as DK's punch.


Jiggly puff?

Now there's a real weakling!

Mario did have some decent moves in Super Smash Brothers, his spin attack was good for example and he had about the second or third best uppercut. Maybe even the best. Luigi was better though, his jumping punch wasn't a rubbish hold like Mario's, it could kill the toughest of people when they were only on a small amount of damage, like 60% for Donkey Kong. Well maybe it depends on what height in the level they are but he could also do it in mid air. You had to stand right next to them and it made the noise it makes when you use the baseball bat on full power (which kills anyone at any health). Otherwise it just did 1% damage though and it does also make him quite vulnerable, especially to mistakenly falling off edges since he can't jump or do anything after it until he hits the ground or is hit. Quite well balanced really, most of the characters were. Maybe not Ness though, who shouldn't have been in it anyway since he's a nobody in the popular world of Nintendo. Of course maybe it was just to fill the numbers, after all they did use 2 pokemon. Maybe now they can put in Joanna Dark and Conker. Hmm, that would certainly make things interesting compared to the more cute characters but then Samus and Falcon weren't exactly cutesy although they are more cartoony than Joanna Dark and less offensive than Conker. plus Falcon had a strange obsession with saying his own name, the only other words he used were "show me your moves" (which was a little dodgy in itself), "Kick" and "Punch", infact he reminded me of a pokemon himself.

Sonic is the Champion...

but wait, there's a new challenger in the ring.

It's a red squirrel!

Sonic spins and zooms towards the little blighter.

The furry big eyed rodent pulls out a saucepan...


CLONK!

Sonic gets hit back but is only slightly dazed.

What's this?

The Squirrel is walking to a pad with a large "B" on it...

TING!

A light bulb appears above his head...

He's pulled out a small remote control... pressing the button...


Look, the traffic lights have changed to green!

Cars are pouring into the arena!

OUCH!

That blue hedgehog just got hit by a truck.

Wait, he's up again!

"Me beat won't you!!"

What's that?

"Squirrel stupid, here come!"

Wait he's talking his words backwards!

Sonic the hedgehog has become Sonic the hodgeheg!

thats the longest post i've ever done
btw this isn't a cheap GAD attempt i just felt it was a cool thing to post

"and now the final:
Sonic has knocked out the 40 year old plumber with one of his own lead pipes, unfortunatly it took the fifteen year old a good 20 minutes to do so, as the obese plumber head has a protective layer of flubber protecting him from the first 50 or so blows, and unfortunatly for us we didn't catch it on camera, dam dam dam dam dam."
************
Playstation Vs Dreamcast

"In the red corner, weighing in at 30 pounds it's that comedian marsupial from a place where riding Polar Bears and Tigers is legal *under breath Australia*, wearing some blue jeans and some really old black boots from the £1 shop...
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHH BANDICOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

And in the Blue corner
weighing in at 27 pounds, wearing some red shoes with metal plates in the soles and various mumbo jumbo bracelets and necklaces, it's that hybrid of a pinball and a hedgehog from a place where the well thought out plans of a genius are thwarted by a spiky crittur turning from blue to yella...
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNIIIICCCC THE HEDGGGGGGGGGEHOOOOOOOOGA!

You guys know the rules, no taking advantage of the other being pratically naked or using fast food to distract the opponent,ok"

*Ding ding ding*

"And here we go, almost immediatly Crash pulls out a Bazooka, *double take* a bazooka! oh my god sonic better watch out! and Crash fires it! An APPLE has flown out of the barrel and is heading at speed towards Sonic, is this highly anticapated match going to end NOW!!! *commentator takes deep breath* But wait Sonic has opened his mouth wide and swallowed it hole, this is amazing!
"HEY BANDY! THANKS FOR THE SNACK," sonic says in a weird american accent, he then starts running at Crash at maximum velocity,
WOW! Crash has sidestepped sonic and tripped him up. Sonic is lying face down in the center of the ring, Crash bandicoot takes his chance and climbs the turnbuckle, what will he do next?!
Crash leaps from the air does a somasault, and OH NO NO YOU'LL BREAK HIS NECK he does the BODY SLAM! Sonic is surely done for...
BUT NO! Sonic rolled out of the way at the last minute, oh the springed canvas didn't help crash he is out cold in the ring.
Sonic carries the unconcious marsupial to the turnbuckle and runs down to the opposite one laying down what seems to be some kind of golden ring, when he arrives at the opposite turnbuckle he spins on the spot and WHAT IN SAM'S NAME little blue things are whizzing round him, HE IS GLOWING BRIGHT BLUE AND IS PREPARING FOR THE LIGHT SPEED DASH, WHAT THE HELL (excuse my language ladies and gents) but Sonic has just buckled over onto the map clenching his STOMACH!, the ref comes over... and signals to the bell CRASH WINS!!! Sonic was attacked by some food poisoning from the apple he ate earlier!

congratulations on your win. Wish I had seen this earlier, I did something kind of similar yesterday.
ohh well.
Well done

Balls.

Big £60 balls.

Fox could take all of them in his Arwing...







... Providing the player is good enough to earn some medals instead of ditching the game after playing it through easy mode!

;-D