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There aren’t many gaming heroes that you and I can look up to or empathise with. Many are fiercely unrealistic with unbelievable emotions and corny enthusiasm.
Developers take note, I have come up with a hero that would be adored by the millions...
A normal guy like you and I...
Someone we can identify with...
Meet...
Dave.
Now, let’s put Super Dave in a few famous situations that gamers will recognise and see how he fares against the game’s resident heroes.
Scenario 1: Resident Evil 3 - The Nemesis catches up once again
That bloody Nemesis just won’t die will he? Get round the corner, kill a few zombies and then get ready to be pounded again by the 8ft monster. Dave disagrees with the tactics used by Jill and Carlos, which were fill the beast with a few puny bullets and then run away again. Instead Dave waits round the corner for Nemesis, drinking a Budweiser. He then sticks his foot out. Nemesis falls butt over head flat on his lipless face. Dave finishes his Bud, moves closer to the fallen body and farts. Nemesis has no lips and therefore cannot shut his mouth to stop the fart aroma entering. Nemesis subsequently chokes, giving Dave time enough to fill him with enough lead to kill him. Super Dave then nips off for a curry to recharge.
Scenario 2: Metal Gear Solid - Getting to the elevator
The first task on the game is to get Snake to the elevator without being spotted by guards. Dave thinks sneaking around is a dumb way to do it because you might get caught. Instead, Dave decides to make friends with the guards by pretending to be a foreigner who’s looking for a local landmark. The guards are courteous and offer directions so Foreign Dave thanks them and offers them a beer in gratitude. Two hours later the guards are blotto, pushing eachother round in shopping trolleys and putting cones on their heads. Dave can now safely make it to the elevator without fear of being noticed. Smooth.
Scenario 3: Parasite Eve 2 - Killing the Looney Number 8
That nutcase follows you for a while, with his gas mask on and machete in hand. Aya Brea uses the method run and shoot but Dave thinks there’s a more efficient way of handling the situation. As soon as the battle commences, Dave nicks his gas mask and puts it on, so he can inhale the loopy gas that no. 8 has been breathing in. Dave immediately begins giggling like a nutter and starts waving his gun around and slouching. No. 8 is intimidated by this, not knowing how to handle someone as wacko as he is. No. 8 turns around to leave in confusion. As he does so, Dave used his previously used tactic again and farts monstrously. Dave is unaffected due to his mask but Number 8 is having trouble breathing oxygen at the moment, let alone Dave’s evil gases. Unlike the Nemesis, No. 8 dies immediately, not needing bullets to do so. Dave wins again and goes off to flirt with Aya.
As you can see, Dave does not stick to conservative methods of killing creatures, he relies on his own initiative to do so, without having to resort to acts of bravery. Dave is someone you and I can aspire to be like in a game. Developers, if you are reading this, please request my permission to use Super Dave in a game. He is available for hire as from Friday, no sooner because he has a bad back. Appointments can be made for after 12, or whenever Jerry Springer finishes.
Thank you for reading.
Dave’s Manager.
Developers take note, I have come up with a hero that would be adored by the millions...
A normal guy like you and I...
Someone we can identify with...
Meet...
Dave.
Now, let’s put Super Dave in a few famous situations that gamers will recognise and see how he fares against the game’s resident heroes.
Scenario 1: Resident Evil 3 - The Nemesis catches up once again
That bloody Nemesis just won’t die will he? Get round the corner, kill a few zombies and then get ready to be pounded again by the 8ft monster. Dave disagrees with the tactics used by Jill and Carlos, which were fill the beast with a few puny bullets and then run away again. Instead Dave waits round the corner for Nemesis, drinking a Budweiser. He then sticks his foot out. Nemesis falls butt over head flat on his lipless face. Dave finishes his Bud, moves closer to the fallen body and farts. Nemesis has no lips and therefore cannot shut his mouth to stop the fart aroma entering. Nemesis subsequently chokes, giving Dave time enough to fill him with enough lead to kill him. Super Dave then nips off for a curry to recharge.
Scenario 2: Metal Gear Solid - Getting to the elevator
The first task on the game is to get Snake to the elevator without being spotted by guards. Dave thinks sneaking around is a dumb way to do it because you might get caught. Instead, Dave decides to make friends with the guards by pretending to be a foreigner who’s looking for a local landmark. The guards are courteous and offer directions so Foreign Dave thanks them and offers them a beer in gratitude. Two hours later the guards are blotto, pushing eachother round in shopping trolleys and putting cones on their heads. Dave can now safely make it to the elevator without fear of being noticed. Smooth.
Scenario 3: Parasite Eve 2 - Killing the Looney Number 8
That nutcase follows you for a while, with his gas mask on and machete in hand. Aya Brea uses the method run and shoot but Dave thinks there’s a more efficient way of handling the situation. As soon as the battle commences, Dave nicks his gas mask and puts it on, so he can inhale the loopy gas that no. 8 has been breathing in. Dave immediately begins giggling like a nutter and starts waving his gun around and slouching. No. 8 is intimidated by this, not knowing how to handle someone as wacko as he is. No. 8 turns around to leave in confusion. As he does so, Dave used his previously used tactic again and farts monstrously. Dave is unaffected due to his mask but Number 8 is having trouble breathing oxygen at the moment, let alone Dave’s evil gases. Unlike the Nemesis, No. 8 dies immediately, not needing bullets to do so. Dave wins again and goes off to flirt with Aya.
As you can see, Dave does not stick to conservative methods of killing creatures, he relies on his own initiative to do so, without having to resort to acts of bravery. Dave is someone you and I can aspire to be like in a game. Developers, if you are reading this, please request my permission to use Super Dave in a game. He is available for hire as from Friday, no sooner because he has a bad back. Appointments can be made for after 12, or whenever Jerry Springer finishes.
Thank you for reading.
Dave’s Manager.
hmm...the topic title reminds me of Superman and Biggles....
Finally, my potential as a computer game character has been recognised. Dave Beech - hero extraordinaire!
Helle, are you sure you don't stalk me because I really love Bud and curry. Bizarre...
P.S. Dave's bad back is cured and so he is available to drink Bud and eat curry whenever required from now on.
Helle, are you sure you don't stalk me because I really love Bud and curry. Bizarre...
P.S. Dave's bad back is cured and so he is available to drink Bud and eat curry whenever required from now on.
There aren’t many gaming heroes that you and I can look up to or empathise with. Many are fiercely unrealistic with unbelievable emotions and corny enthusiasm.
Developers take note, I have come up with a hero that would be adored by the millions...
A normal guy like you and I...
Someone we can identify with...
Meet...
Dave.
Now, let’s put Super Dave in a few famous situations that gamers will recognise and see how he fares against the game’s resident heroes.
Scenario 1: Resident Evil 3 - The Nemesis catches up once again
That bloody Nemesis just won’t die will he? Get round the corner, kill a few zombies and then get ready to be pounded again by the 8ft monster. Dave disagrees with the tactics used by Jill and Carlos, which were fill the beast with a few puny bullets and then run away again. Instead Dave waits round the corner for Nemesis, drinking a Budweiser. He then sticks his foot out. Nemesis falls butt over head flat on his lipless face. Dave finishes his Bud, moves closer to the fallen body and farts. Nemesis has no lips and therefore cannot shut his mouth to stop the fart aroma entering. Nemesis subsequently chokes, giving Dave time enough to fill him with enough lead to kill him. Super Dave then nips off for a curry to recharge.
Scenario 2: Metal Gear Solid - Getting to the elevator
The first task on the game is to get Snake to the elevator without being spotted by guards. Dave thinks sneaking around is a dumb way to do it because you might get caught. Instead, Dave decides to make friends with the guards by pretending to be a foreigner who’s looking for a local landmark. The guards are courteous and offer directions so Foreign Dave thanks them and offers them a beer in gratitude. Two hours later the guards are blotto, pushing eachother round in shopping trolleys and putting cones on their heads. Dave can now safely make it to the elevator without fear of being noticed. Smooth.
Scenario 3: Parasite Eve 2 - Killing the Looney Number 8
That nutcase follows you for a while, with his gas mask on and machete in hand. Aya Brea uses the method run and shoot but Dave thinks there’s a more efficient way of handling the situation. As soon as the battle commences, Dave nicks his gas mask and puts it on, so he can inhale the loopy gas that no. 8 has been breathing in. Dave immediately begins giggling like a nutter and starts waving his gun around and slouching. No. 8 is intimidated by this, not knowing how to handle someone as wacko as he is. No. 8 turns around to leave in confusion. As he does so, Dave used his previously used tactic again and farts monstrously. Dave is unaffected due to his mask but Number 8 is having trouble breathing oxygen at the moment, let alone Dave’s evil gases. Unlike the Nemesis, No. 8 dies immediately, not needing bullets to do so. Dave wins again and goes off to flirt with Aya.
As you can see, Dave does not stick to conservative methods of killing creatures, he relies on his own initiative to do so, without having to resort to acts of bravery. Dave is someone you and I can aspire to be like in a game. Developers, if you are reading this, please request my permission to use Super Dave in a game. He is available for hire as from Friday, no sooner because he has a bad back. Appointments can be made for after 12, or whenever Jerry Springer finishes.
Thank you for reading.
Dave’s Manager.
Developers take note, I have come up with a hero that would be adored by the millions...
A normal guy like you and I...
Someone we can identify with...
Meet...
Dave.
Now, let’s put Super Dave in a few famous situations that gamers will recognise and see how he fares against the game’s resident heroes.
Scenario 1: Resident Evil 3 - The Nemesis catches up once again
That bloody Nemesis just won’t die will he? Get round the corner, kill a few zombies and then get ready to be pounded again by the 8ft monster. Dave disagrees with the tactics used by Jill and Carlos, which were fill the beast with a few puny bullets and then run away again. Instead Dave waits round the corner for Nemesis, drinking a Budweiser. He then sticks his foot out. Nemesis falls butt over head flat on his lipless face. Dave finishes his Bud, moves closer to the fallen body and farts. Nemesis has no lips and therefore cannot shut his mouth to stop the fart aroma entering. Nemesis subsequently chokes, giving Dave time enough to fill him with enough lead to kill him. Super Dave then nips off for a curry to recharge.
Scenario 2: Metal Gear Solid - Getting to the elevator
The first task on the game is to get Snake to the elevator without being spotted by guards. Dave thinks sneaking around is a dumb way to do it because you might get caught. Instead, Dave decides to make friends with the guards by pretending to be a foreigner who’s looking for a local landmark. The guards are courteous and offer directions so Foreign Dave thanks them and offers them a beer in gratitude. Two hours later the guards are blotto, pushing eachother round in shopping trolleys and putting cones on their heads. Dave can now safely make it to the elevator without fear of being noticed. Smooth.
Scenario 3: Parasite Eve 2 - Killing the Looney Number 8
That nutcase follows you for a while, with his gas mask on and machete in hand. Aya Brea uses the method run and shoot but Dave thinks there’s a more efficient way of handling the situation. As soon as the battle commences, Dave nicks his gas mask and puts it on, so he can inhale the loopy gas that no. 8 has been breathing in. Dave immediately begins giggling like a nutter and starts waving his gun around and slouching. No. 8 is intimidated by this, not knowing how to handle someone as wacko as he is. No. 8 turns around to leave in confusion. As he does so, Dave used his previously used tactic again and farts monstrously. Dave is unaffected due to his mask but Number 8 is having trouble breathing oxygen at the moment, let alone Dave’s evil gases. Unlike the Nemesis, No. 8 dies immediately, not needing bullets to do so. Dave wins again and goes off to flirt with Aya.
As you can see, Dave does not stick to conservative methods of killing creatures, he relies on his own initiative to do so, without having to resort to acts of bravery. Dave is someone you and I can aspire to be like in a game. Developers, if you are reading this, please request my permission to use Super Dave in a game. He is available for hire as from Friday, no sooner because he has a bad back. Appointments can be made for after 12, or whenever Jerry Springer finishes.
Thank you for reading.
Dave’s Manager.