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AI: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton - http://ter.air0day.com/
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCES O'CONNOR'S HOUSE
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Check out my Stanley Kubrick
impression. See, I frame shots in
odd, noticeable ways. I even pace
my film slowly! I'm truly doing
him justice!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S GHOST
But I direct cold, detached films.
My main focus is often style and
technique, all of which serve to
tell a story without really making
the viewer feel like a part of it.
You, however, are just the
opposite. You're a warm, fuzzy
little guy who focuses on the
characters and the heart of a
story, with little emphasis on
visual style. You're a giant teddy
bear!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Giant teddy bear, eh? Great idea!
I'll make him a robot!
STEVEN walks off, congratulating himself on being such a
terrific guy.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
I lost my son to a coma. I want a
new one.
SAM ROBARDS
There are these new robot
children...
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Hi. Doesn't it p**s you all to
know I got here in a limo? Could
somebody fetch me a bottled water
please? Glacier only, none of that
purified crap. Are we shooting?
Oh, okay.
Time to turn on the innocence.
(pause; whimpering)
Love me? I see real people.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Hmm.. Well.. I did want another
son. I'm not sure I should do
this..
SAM ROBARDS
If you aren't sure, we should take
him back because if he's imprinted
to love you and you decide you
don't want him, he'd have to be
destroyed.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
(imprinting Haley)
Well, I just don't know.
SAM ROBARDS
What are you doing? Didn't you hear
me say repeatedly that you
shouldn't do this unless you're
totally sure?
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Whoops. He's imprinted.
THE REAL SON
I'm back from my coma! I don't
want a little brother. Especially
one that keeps getting into
situations, through no fault of his
own, that make it look like he is
trying to kill us.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
How unfortunate that such a large
number of external things happened
that cause him to appear so
problematic. However, when you put
yourself in my shoes, I'm sure you
can understand how I'd want to get
rid of him.
AUDIENCE
You're an awful piece of s**t.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Well I'm not so awful that I'll let
him be destroyed!
I'm going to instead take him to
the middle of the woods and abandon
him. I'm sure it's much better for
him to spend the rest of eternity
pining for my love, which he will
never get, not to mention the
likelihood that he will be picked
up and destroyed in a flesh fair
eventually anyway.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Wait, I'm a robot. Can't you just
erase my memory or something?
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Of course not! You must suffer
abandonment! Alienation! You must
find solace only with those who
have also been alienated!
(pause)
Why does this feel so familiar? Oh
right, most of my career.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Goodbye, Haley. And don't follow
me home, either, you little s**t.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
(sobbing)
But I am programmed to love!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. THE WOODS
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
At least I still have you, teddy
bear.
(pause)
Hey, I just realized you're the
only truly likeable character in
this mess. You aren't trying to
upstage me, are you?
TEDDY BEAR
No, of course not! Sure, I'm
adorable, funny, and my facial
expressions are priceless, but this
in no way detracts from your
generally annoying presence!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Good. Hey, wait..
JUDE LAW
Hello. I am Robocock. Dead or
alive, you're cumming with me.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
You're a sex robot?
JUDE LAW
Yeah, I enjoy a little bit of the
old in-out, in-out. Often
accompanied by some of the good ol'
ultraviolence.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Speaking of which, we are being
chased! These people want to
parade us out and destroy us in
sick and twisted ways for
entertainment!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. FLESH FAIR
SPECTATORS
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Robots are DESTROYED.
CHRIS ROCK
Hello! I am making a useless,
distracting cameo! Bye now!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Don't kill me!
SPECTATORS
Hmm. I guess we ought to draw the
line at obliterating children.
JUDE and HALEY escape, thanks to a SMALL SHRED OF
HUMANITY displayed by the SPECTATORS.
JUDE LAW
Let's go ask Robin Williams where
to go.
We can find him in the middle of an
unnecessarily long scene which
serves no purpose but to get us to
go to Manhattan.
They do so. Twenty minutes and some flashy, over-the-top
Spielbergian CGI shots later, they go to MANHATTAN.
EXT. MANHATTAN
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I desperately want to be a real
boy.
STEVEN SPIELBERG assumes every person in the audience is
a MORON and beats everyone over the head with the
similarity to PINOCCHIO to the point that it actually
becomes a plot device.
They find WILLIAM HURT.
WILLIAM HURT
Turns out I made you. You are one
of many child robots.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
But I thought I was special and
unique!
WILLIAM HURT
But I didn't program you to feel
special or unique.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Uh.. Number five is alive.
WILLIAM HURT
I see. I will walk off for a
moment, feel free to walk around
the creepy room full of robots that
look almost, but not entirely, just
like you.
HALEY leaves and uses a vehicle to dive to the bottom of
the water, and stare hopefully at the BLUE FAIRY.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I am now destined to sit here
forever, begging for a wish which
can only come true in my robot
mind.
Look what I have been driven to by
an uncaring, cruel world that
rejects differences and is
incapable of love in any broad
aspect.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
AUDIENCE
(leaving)
What a beautifully tragic, if
somewhat cheesy, look at some of
the uglier aspects of humanity and
its capacity for love.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Did someone say cheesy? That's my
specialty!!!
Suddenly, an EXTENDED, HAPPIER ENDING is awkwardly
shoehorned on!
Silly looking robots fly around! They uncover HALEY and
make his every wish come true!
AUDIENCE
What the fudge is this s**t?
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Now I can be reunited with my
mother for one day! She seems to
have oddly forgotten about her real
son and husband! She loves me!
What a happy ending!!!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S CORPSE hits 10,000 RPM.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Hooray! It turns out, in the end,
humanity isn't so bad after all if
given very specific and forced
circumstances! Love conquers all!
Tragedy becomes happiness in the
end!
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Er.. uh.. well, you see, the robots
eventually rule the world and they
make his every wish come true. They
become more humane than the humans
were. Don't you see the great
irony?
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh.. the teddy bear was cute
though, right?
AUDIENCE
I hate you. Please return to
directing your own god damn movies.
END
By Rod Hilton - http://ter.air0day.com/
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCES O'CONNOR'S HOUSE
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Check out my Stanley Kubrick
impression. See, I frame shots in
odd, noticeable ways. I even pace
my film slowly! I'm truly doing
him justice!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S GHOST
But I direct cold, detached films.
My main focus is often style and
technique, all of which serve to
tell a story without really making
the viewer feel like a part of it.
You, however, are just the
opposite. You're a warm, fuzzy
little guy who focuses on the
characters and the heart of a
story, with little emphasis on
visual style. You're a giant teddy
bear!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Giant teddy bear, eh? Great idea!
I'll make him a robot!
STEVEN walks off, congratulating himself on being such a
terrific guy.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
I lost my son to a coma. I want a
new one.
SAM ROBARDS
There are these new robot
children...
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Hi. Doesn't it p**s you all to
know I got here in a limo? Could
somebody fetch me a bottled water
please? Glacier only, none of that
purified crap. Are we shooting?
Oh, okay.
Time to turn on the innocence.
(pause; whimpering)
Love me? I see real people.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Hmm.. Well.. I did want another
son. I'm not sure I should do
this..
SAM ROBARDS
If you aren't sure, we should take
him back because if he's imprinted
to love you and you decide you
don't want him, he'd have to be
destroyed.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
(imprinting Haley)
Well, I just don't know.
SAM ROBARDS
What are you doing? Didn't you hear
me say repeatedly that you
shouldn't do this unless you're
totally sure?
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Whoops. He's imprinted.
THE REAL SON
I'm back from my coma! I don't
want a little brother. Especially
one that keeps getting into
situations, through no fault of his
own, that make it look like he is
trying to kill us.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
How unfortunate that such a large
number of external things happened
that cause him to appear so
problematic. However, when you put
yourself in my shoes, I'm sure you
can understand how I'd want to get
rid of him.
AUDIENCE
You're an awful piece of s**t.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Well I'm not so awful that I'll let
him be destroyed!
I'm going to instead take him to
the middle of the woods and abandon
him. I'm sure it's much better for
him to spend the rest of eternity
pining for my love, which he will
never get, not to mention the
likelihood that he will be picked
up and destroyed in a flesh fair
eventually anyway.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Wait, I'm a robot. Can't you just
erase my memory or something?
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Of course not! You must suffer
abandonment! Alienation! You must
find solace only with those who
have also been alienated!
(pause)
Why does this feel so familiar? Oh
right, most of my career.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Goodbye, Haley. And don't follow
me home, either, you little s**t.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
(sobbing)
But I am programmed to love!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. THE WOODS
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
At least I still have you, teddy
bear.
(pause)
Hey, I just realized you're the
only truly likeable character in
this mess. You aren't trying to
upstage me, are you?
TEDDY BEAR
No, of course not! Sure, I'm
adorable, funny, and my facial
expressions are priceless, but this
in no way detracts from your
generally annoying presence!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Good. Hey, wait..
JUDE LAW
Hello. I am Robocock. Dead or
alive, you're cumming with me.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
You're a sex robot?
JUDE LAW
Yeah, I enjoy a little bit of the
old in-out, in-out. Often
accompanied by some of the good ol'
ultraviolence.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Speaking of which, we are being
chased! These people want to
parade us out and destroy us in
sick and twisted ways for
entertainment!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. FLESH FAIR
SPECTATORS
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Robots are DESTROYED.
CHRIS ROCK
Hello! I am making a useless,
distracting cameo! Bye now!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Don't kill me!
SPECTATORS
Hmm. I guess we ought to draw the
line at obliterating children.
JUDE and HALEY escape, thanks to a SMALL SHRED OF
HUMANITY displayed by the SPECTATORS.
JUDE LAW
Let's go ask Robin Williams where
to go.
We can find him in the middle of an
unnecessarily long scene which
serves no purpose but to get us to
go to Manhattan.
They do so. Twenty minutes and some flashy, over-the-top
Spielbergian CGI shots later, they go to MANHATTAN.
EXT. MANHATTAN
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I desperately want to be a real
boy.
STEVEN SPIELBERG assumes every person in the audience is
a MORON and beats everyone over the head with the
similarity to PINOCCHIO to the point that it actually
becomes a plot device.
They find WILLIAM HURT.
WILLIAM HURT
Turns out I made you. You are one
of many child robots.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
But I thought I was special and
unique!
WILLIAM HURT
But I didn't program you to feel
special or unique.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Uh.. Number five is alive.
WILLIAM HURT
I see. I will walk off for a
moment, feel free to walk around
the creepy room full of robots that
look almost, but not entirely, just
like you.
HALEY leaves and uses a vehicle to dive to the bottom of
the water, and stare hopefully at the BLUE FAIRY.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I am now destined to sit here
forever, begging for a wish which
can only come true in my robot
mind.
Look what I have been driven to by
an uncaring, cruel world that
rejects differences and is
incapable of love in any broad
aspect.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
AUDIENCE
(leaving)
What a beautifully tragic, if
somewhat cheesy, look at some of
the uglier aspects of humanity and
its capacity for love.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Did someone say cheesy? That's my
specialty!!!
Suddenly, an EXTENDED, HAPPIER ENDING is awkwardly
shoehorned on!
Silly looking robots fly around! They uncover HALEY and
make his every wish come true!
AUDIENCE
What the fudge is this s**t?
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Now I can be reunited with my
mother for one day! She seems to
have oddly forgotten about her real
son and husband! She loves me!
What a happy ending!!!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S CORPSE hits 10,000 RPM.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Hooray! It turns out, in the end,
humanity isn't so bad after all if
given very specific and forced
circumstances! Love conquers all!
Tragedy becomes happiness in the
end!
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Er.. uh.. well, you see, the robots
eventually rule the world and they
make his every wish come true. They
become more humane than the humans
were. Don't you see the great
irony?
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh.. the teddy bear was cute
though, right?
AUDIENCE
I hate you. Please return to
directing your own god damn movies.
END
Your Honour wrote:
> Just to clear things up, I didn't write this.
Link at the top kind of gave that away, you know for the hard of thinking it even said "By Rod Hilton". :)
> Just to clear things up, I didn't write this.
Link at the top kind of gave that away, you know for the hard of thinking it even said "By Rod Hilton". :)
even though i liked the film now im going to cry because the script pointed out everything wrong with the film and struck close to home with all the faults.
because you pick on speilberg who creates great tart films.
Im then going to complain that there were swear words in the script and in my world people dont swear and so shouldnt on these boards theyre a place to exchange ideas blah blah blah blah
I though your script was well funny.
I liked the film but it lacked...continuity
because you pick on speilberg who creates great tart films.
Im then going to complain that there were swear words in the script and in my world people dont swear and so shouldnt on these boards theyre a place to exchange ideas blah blah blah blah
I though your script was well funny.
I liked the film but it lacked...continuity
Just to clear things up, I didn't write this.
I got it from the web site I quoted. They have loads of film rip-offs there. The funniest, in my opinion, being Pearl Harbour and Lethal Weapon 4.
Whoever runs the site, seems to do it to all film releases. There'a American Pie 2 on there, as well as Planet of the Apes and loads more.
Just go and have a look, they're really funny!
I got it from the web site I quoted. They have loads of film rip-offs there. The funniest, in my opinion, being Pearl Harbour and Lethal Weapon 4.
Whoever runs the site, seems to do it to all film releases. There'a American Pie 2 on there, as well as Planet of the Apes and loads more.
Just go and have a look, they're really funny!
Naturally it is a Point Break rip off, but it is also "a thoughtful look at friendships under struggle" ;)
And I think saying we're (the knockers) are saying that it is Spielberg = bad, Kubrick = good if simplyfing the matter. Who knows what Kubrick did in relation to this film - claims vary from a three page treatment to devoting 35 yearsof his life. Clearly it is somewhere in between, but even then we don't know how much of what he done ended up on screen. Also, Spielberg is, in the abridged script thing, being critised for investing things he didn't have anything to do with. The Pinochio thing was there in the Kubrick period and it was the original Brian Adlis story that had invented the bear, the imprint procedure and the fact that you can't just erase the robot boy's memory.
And I think saying we're (the knockers) are saying that it is Spielberg = bad, Kubrick = good if simplyfing the matter. Who knows what Kubrick did in relation to this film - claims vary from a three page treatment to devoting 35 yearsof his life. Clearly it is somewhere in between, but even then we don't know how much of what he done ended up on screen. Also, Spielberg is, in the abridged script thing, being critised for investing things he didn't have anything to do with. The Pinochio thing was there in the Kubrick period and it was the original Brian Adlis story that had invented the bear, the imprint procedure and the fact that you can't just erase the robot boy's memory.
I must admit, I did find this a little ammusing...
...but I also liked the film and it does annoy me a bit that everyone is mocking Spiielberg and praising Kubrick.
Anyway, if you look hard enough at the Fast and the Furious (basically just watch it) you'll realise that it is actually a complete rip-off of Point Break. I knew the guy was a cop after seeing the trailer. The ending was obvious since I'd seen Point Break and the cop guy had the exact same voice as Keanu Reeves and played the same role that Reeves had to in Point Break. Even the final shot was exactly the same. Zoom in on his face after he walks away from Vi Diesel. Still thought it was good though as I loves Piint Break.
:)
...but I also liked the film and it does annoy me a bit that everyone is mocking Spiielberg and praising Kubrick.
Anyway, if you look hard enough at the Fast and the Furious (basically just watch it) you'll realise that it is actually a complete rip-off of Point Break. I knew the guy was a cop after seeing the trailer. The ending was obvious since I'd seen Point Break and the cop guy had the exact same voice as Keanu Reeves and played the same role that Reeves had to in Point Break. Even the final shot was exactly the same. Zoom in on his face after he walks away from Vi Diesel. Still thought it was good though as I loves Piint Break.
:)
Sorry Your Honnor - it was much appreciated, thanks. It's funny because it's true. Hits the nail on the head more than once.
Try and "look into" AI if you want, you're looking for philosophy in a poor retelling of a faily tale. You can do that with anything - Fast and The Furious was a thoughtful look at friendships under struggle, Home Alone charts the emotional rises and falls of an abandoned child who ultimately learns the true meaning of family, American Pie teaches us the perils of crumbling under our base interests, yada yada yada.
You can look for "meaning" in any film - and if you look hard enough you'll find it. Thing is, it is fairly tale morals dressed up in fortune cookie language with a little sitcom, Central Perk psycho-analysing thrown in. You want true meaning look to Iris Murdoch... in fact don't go in at the deep end (well, its the most "meaningful" book I've ever read). Work your way in gently by grabbing the Death of a Salesman DVD. My favourite play in a wonderful film adaptation that genuinely is full of "meaning" - a word which it's self should be up there with the sitcom waffle.
Try and "look into" AI if you want, you're looking for philosophy in a poor retelling of a faily tale. You can do that with anything - Fast and The Furious was a thoughtful look at friendships under struggle, Home Alone charts the emotional rises and falls of an abandoned child who ultimately learns the true meaning of family, American Pie teaches us the perils of crumbling under our base interests, yada yada yada.
You can look for "meaning" in any film - and if you look hard enough you'll find it. Thing is, it is fairly tale morals dressed up in fortune cookie language with a little sitcom, Central Perk psycho-analysing thrown in. You want true meaning look to Iris Murdoch... in fact don't go in at the deep end (well, its the most "meaningful" book I've ever read). Work your way in gently by grabbing the Death of a Salesman DVD. My favourite play in a wonderful film adaptation that genuinely is full of "meaning" - a word which it's self should be up there with the sitcom waffle.
Your Honour wrote:
> Hmmmm, I must be the only person to find this funny then.....
I have seen the film, and obviously thought more about its actual issues than this person.. take a look at RSS's topic in this forum...
> Hmmmm, I must be the only person to find this funny then.....
I have seen the film, and obviously thought more about its actual issues than this person.. take a look at RSS's topic in this forum...
I was laughing too much to type, honest...
But seriously, I thought it was funny.
:0)
But seriously, I thought it was funny.
:0)
Hmmmm, I must be the only person to find this funny then.....
AI: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton - http://ter.air0day.com/
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCES O'CONNOR'S HOUSE
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Check out my Stanley Kubrick
impression. See, I frame shots in
odd, noticeable ways. I even pace
my film slowly! I'm truly doing
him justice!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S GHOST
But I direct cold, detached films.
My main focus is often style and
technique, all of which serve to
tell a story without really making
the viewer feel like a part of it.
You, however, are just the
opposite. You're a warm, fuzzy
little guy who focuses on the
characters and the heart of a
story, with little emphasis on
visual style. You're a giant teddy
bear!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Giant teddy bear, eh? Great idea!
I'll make him a robot!
STEVEN walks off, congratulating himself on being such a
terrific guy.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
I lost my son to a coma. I want a
new one.
SAM ROBARDS
There are these new robot
children...
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Hi. Doesn't it p**s you all to
know I got here in a limo? Could
somebody fetch me a bottled water
please? Glacier only, none of that
purified crap. Are we shooting?
Oh, okay.
Time to turn on the innocence.
(pause; whimpering)
Love me? I see real people.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Hmm.. Well.. I did want another
son. I'm not sure I should do
this..
SAM ROBARDS
If you aren't sure, we should take
him back because if he's imprinted
to love you and you decide you
don't want him, he'd have to be
destroyed.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
(imprinting Haley)
Well, I just don't know.
SAM ROBARDS
What are you doing? Didn't you hear
me say repeatedly that you
shouldn't do this unless you're
totally sure?
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Whoops. He's imprinted.
THE REAL SON
I'm back from my coma! I don't
want a little brother. Especially
one that keeps getting into
situations, through no fault of his
own, that make it look like he is
trying to kill us.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
How unfortunate that such a large
number of external things happened
that cause him to appear so
problematic. However, when you put
yourself in my shoes, I'm sure you
can understand how I'd want to get
rid of him.
AUDIENCE
You're an awful piece of s**t.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Well I'm not so awful that I'll let
him be destroyed!
I'm going to instead take him to
the middle of the woods and abandon
him. I'm sure it's much better for
him to spend the rest of eternity
pining for my love, which he will
never get, not to mention the
likelihood that he will be picked
up and destroyed in a flesh fair
eventually anyway.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Wait, I'm a robot. Can't you just
erase my memory or something?
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Of course not! You must suffer
abandonment! Alienation! You must
find solace only with those who
have also been alienated!
(pause)
Why does this feel so familiar? Oh
right, most of my career.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Goodbye, Haley. And don't follow
me home, either, you little s**t.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
(sobbing)
But I am programmed to love!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. THE WOODS
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
At least I still have you, teddy
bear.
(pause)
Hey, I just realized you're the
only truly likeable character in
this mess. You aren't trying to
upstage me, are you?
TEDDY BEAR
No, of course not! Sure, I'm
adorable, funny, and my facial
expressions are priceless, but this
in no way detracts from your
generally annoying presence!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Good. Hey, wait..
JUDE LAW
Hello. I am Robocock. Dead or
alive, you're cumming with me.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
You're a sex robot?
JUDE LAW
Yeah, I enjoy a little bit of the
old in-out, in-out. Often
accompanied by some of the good ol'
ultraviolence.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Speaking of which, we are being
chased! These people want to
parade us out and destroy us in
sick and twisted ways for
entertainment!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. FLESH FAIR
SPECTATORS
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Robots are DESTROYED.
CHRIS ROCK
Hello! I am making a useless,
distracting cameo! Bye now!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Don't kill me!
SPECTATORS
Hmm. I guess we ought to draw the
line at obliterating children.
JUDE and HALEY escape, thanks to a SMALL SHRED OF
HUMANITY displayed by the SPECTATORS.
JUDE LAW
Let's go ask Robin Williams where
to go.
We can find him in the middle of an
unnecessarily long scene which
serves no purpose but to get us to
go to Manhattan.
They do so. Twenty minutes and some flashy, over-the-top
Spielbergian CGI shots later, they go to MANHATTAN.
EXT. MANHATTAN
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I desperately want to be a real
boy.
STEVEN SPIELBERG assumes every person in the audience is
a MORON and beats everyone over the head with the
similarity to PINOCCHIO to the point that it actually
becomes a plot device.
They find WILLIAM HURT.
WILLIAM HURT
Turns out I made you. You are one
of many child robots.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
But I thought I was special and
unique!
WILLIAM HURT
But I didn't program you to feel
special or unique.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Uh.. Number five is alive.
WILLIAM HURT
I see. I will walk off for a
moment, feel free to walk around
the creepy room full of robots that
look almost, but not entirely, just
like you.
HALEY leaves and uses a vehicle to dive to the bottom of
the water, and stare hopefully at the BLUE FAIRY.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I am now destined to sit here
forever, begging for a wish which
can only come true in my robot
mind.
Look what I have been driven to by
an uncaring, cruel world that
rejects differences and is
incapable of love in any broad
aspect.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
AUDIENCE
(leaving)
What a beautifully tragic, if
somewhat cheesy, look at some of
the uglier aspects of humanity and
its capacity for love.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Did someone say cheesy? That's my
specialty!!!
Suddenly, an EXTENDED, HAPPIER ENDING is awkwardly
shoehorned on!
Silly looking robots fly around! They uncover HALEY and
make his every wish come true!
AUDIENCE
What the fudge is this s**t?
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Now I can be reunited with my
mother for one day! She seems to
have oddly forgotten about her real
son and husband! She loves me!
What a happy ending!!!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S CORPSE hits 10,000 RPM.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Hooray! It turns out, in the end,
humanity isn't so bad after all if
given very specific and forced
circumstances! Love conquers all!
Tragedy becomes happiness in the
end!
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Er.. uh.. well, you see, the robots
eventually rule the world and they
make his every wish come true. They
become more humane than the humans
were. Don't you see the great
irony?
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh.. the teddy bear was cute
though, right?
AUDIENCE
I hate you. Please return to
directing your own god damn movies.
END
By Rod Hilton - http://ter.air0day.com/
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCES O'CONNOR'S HOUSE
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Check out my Stanley Kubrick
impression. See, I frame shots in
odd, noticeable ways. I even pace
my film slowly! I'm truly doing
him justice!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S GHOST
But I direct cold, detached films.
My main focus is often style and
technique, all of which serve to
tell a story without really making
the viewer feel like a part of it.
You, however, are just the
opposite. You're a warm, fuzzy
little guy who focuses on the
characters and the heart of a
story, with little emphasis on
visual style. You're a giant teddy
bear!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Giant teddy bear, eh? Great idea!
I'll make him a robot!
STEVEN walks off, congratulating himself on being such a
terrific guy.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
I lost my son to a coma. I want a
new one.
SAM ROBARDS
There are these new robot
children...
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Hi. Doesn't it p**s you all to
know I got here in a limo? Could
somebody fetch me a bottled water
please? Glacier only, none of that
purified crap. Are we shooting?
Oh, okay.
Time to turn on the innocence.
(pause; whimpering)
Love me? I see real people.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Hmm.. Well.. I did want another
son. I'm not sure I should do
this..
SAM ROBARDS
If you aren't sure, we should take
him back because if he's imprinted
to love you and you decide you
don't want him, he'd have to be
destroyed.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
(imprinting Haley)
Well, I just don't know.
SAM ROBARDS
What are you doing? Didn't you hear
me say repeatedly that you
shouldn't do this unless you're
totally sure?
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Whoops. He's imprinted.
THE REAL SON
I'm back from my coma! I don't
want a little brother. Especially
one that keeps getting into
situations, through no fault of his
own, that make it look like he is
trying to kill us.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
How unfortunate that such a large
number of external things happened
that cause him to appear so
problematic. However, when you put
yourself in my shoes, I'm sure you
can understand how I'd want to get
rid of him.
AUDIENCE
You're an awful piece of s**t.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Well I'm not so awful that I'll let
him be destroyed!
I'm going to instead take him to
the middle of the woods and abandon
him. I'm sure it's much better for
him to spend the rest of eternity
pining for my love, which he will
never get, not to mention the
likelihood that he will be picked
up and destroyed in a flesh fair
eventually anyway.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Wait, I'm a robot. Can't you just
erase my memory or something?
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Of course not! You must suffer
abandonment! Alienation! You must
find solace only with those who
have also been alienated!
(pause)
Why does this feel so familiar? Oh
right, most of my career.
FRANCES O'CONNOR
Goodbye, Haley. And don't follow
me home, either, you little s**t.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
(sobbing)
But I am programmed to love!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. THE WOODS
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
At least I still have you, teddy
bear.
(pause)
Hey, I just realized you're the
only truly likeable character in
this mess. You aren't trying to
upstage me, are you?
TEDDY BEAR
No, of course not! Sure, I'm
adorable, funny, and my facial
expressions are priceless, but this
in no way detracts from your
generally annoying presence!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Good. Hey, wait..
JUDE LAW
Hello. I am Robocock. Dead or
alive, you're cumming with me.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
You're a sex robot?
JUDE LAW
Yeah, I enjoy a little bit of the
old in-out, in-out. Often
accompanied by some of the good ol'
ultraviolence.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Speaking of which, we are being
chased! These people want to
parade us out and destroy us in
sick and twisted ways for
entertainment!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
EXT. FLESH FAIR
SPECTATORS
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Robots are DESTROYED.
CHRIS ROCK
Hello! I am making a useless,
distracting cameo! Bye now!
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Don't kill me!
SPECTATORS
Hmm. I guess we ought to draw the
line at obliterating children.
JUDE and HALEY escape, thanks to a SMALL SHRED OF
HUMANITY displayed by the SPECTATORS.
JUDE LAW
Let's go ask Robin Williams where
to go.
We can find him in the middle of an
unnecessarily long scene which
serves no purpose but to get us to
go to Manhattan.
They do so. Twenty minutes and some flashy, over-the-top
Spielbergian CGI shots later, they go to MANHATTAN.
EXT. MANHATTAN
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I desperately want to be a real
boy.
STEVEN SPIELBERG assumes every person in the audience is
a MORON and beats everyone over the head with the
similarity to PINOCCHIO to the point that it actually
becomes a plot device.
They find WILLIAM HURT.
WILLIAM HURT
Turns out I made you. You are one
of many child robots.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
But I thought I was special and
unique!
WILLIAM HURT
But I didn't program you to feel
special or unique.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Uh.. Number five is alive.
WILLIAM HURT
I see. I will walk off for a
moment, feel free to walk around
the creepy room full of robots that
look almost, but not entirely, just
like you.
HALEY leaves and uses a vehicle to dive to the bottom of
the water, and stare hopefully at the BLUE FAIRY.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
I am now destined to sit here
forever, begging for a wish which
can only come true in my robot
mind.
Look what I have been driven to by
an uncaring, cruel world that
rejects differences and is
incapable of love in any broad
aspect.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Isn't it sadly ironic how humans
can often be so inhumane?
AUDIENCE
(leaving)
What a beautifully tragic, if
somewhat cheesy, look at some of
the uglier aspects of humanity and
its capacity for love.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Did someone say cheesy? That's my
specialty!!!
Suddenly, an EXTENDED, HAPPIER ENDING is awkwardly
shoehorned on!
Silly looking robots fly around! They uncover HALEY and
make his every wish come true!
AUDIENCE
What the fudge is this s**t?
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Now I can be reunited with my
mother for one day! She seems to
have oddly forgotten about her real
son and husband! She loves me!
What a happy ending!!!
STANLEY KUBRICK'S CORPSE hits 10,000 RPM.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Hooray! It turns out, in the end,
humanity isn't so bad after all if
given very specific and forced
circumstances! Love conquers all!
Tragedy becomes happiness in the
end!
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Er.. uh.. well, you see, the robots
eventually rule the world and they
make his every wish come true. They
become more humane than the humans
were. Don't you see the great
irony?
AUDIENCE
...
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh.. the teddy bear was cute
though, right?
AUDIENCE
I hate you. Please return to
directing your own god damn movies.
END