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Turbonutter sits down in front of a circular table with a tacky star tablecloth laid over it. On the table is a large (apparently) crystal ball. On closer inspection, it’s actually Perspex with some stuff suspended in it, but it does the job. The members of the FOG gather round, apart from Tony, who makes a point of not listening to predictions. He’s still trying to get rid of those 32X’s…
Turbonutter begins to speak:
“I see, yes, I see… I’m getting something, yes, here it comes:
Metal Gear Solid 2 had a surprise release at Christmas 2001, and sales of the PS2 machine doubled. The PS2 continued to sell out for 3 months, until the GameCube was launched in the UK. After a fairly successful launch with 12 games, the machine’s sales gradually increased as some more variety came into the available titles. The machine’s sales were dinted, however, by the launch of the Xbox 2 weeks later. Many people were wooed by the magnificent Halo, but decided not to buy it because Halo was the only game worth buying. Sales of PS2s and GameCubes soared, while the Xbox merely glided. Sales picked up after Project Gotham and Shenmue 2 were released, but the console still couldn’t shift the units. Stocks piled up, and forced Microsoft to cease production in 3 of its factories.
In 2004, the industry was rocked by the surprise return of the Indrema, the Linux-based console. Despite it actually being a PC in a box, the graphics were impressive and many people succumbed to the immediate ports of Quake 3, Unreal Tournament and Counter Strike, plus the promise of home networking, and the ability of the machine to make you coffee in the morning (really). Many small-time developers got on board, as well as EA, and the games started rolling in. In 4 months, it had over 900 games available, more than the PS2 and PSone put together. Despite the huge choice, there were very few actually worthy games, and led to a curfew being placed on it. A strict-ish quality control service was introduced, and only “good” games were released. However, studies showed that less people were buying it for the games, than for the “extra features”. Soon, the TeaMaker module was released, swiftly followed by the Bloody Mary, Budweiser and “Solpadine in Water” modules. It soon received the nickname “BeverageStation”, despite the unfortunate initials.
Gradually, the games became more like software, and the console dropped out of the gaming eye. It’s successor, the “Fab Fun Station” (more unfortunate initials…) shifted hardly any units, and the console/mini-pub died out in 2007.
Just as the FFS kicked the bucket, the PS2 and GameCube’s life ran out, and were replaced by the PlayStation, erm, 3, and the GameSphere. The GS, however, was yet again criticised like the GC before it, for not actually being a sphere due to the flat bottom it needed to stay upright. After a brief skirmish with the newly set up “Device Descriptions Department”, the GameSphere just made an unprecedented simultaneous release with the PlayStation 3. Both immediately outsold, but due to the GS’s naming problems, didn’t have enough units in the shops to outsell the PS3, which smashed all previous records with an amazing 1,670,000 machines sold. The GameSphere ended its first weekend with only 720,000 of them in the homes. The GS leaded with “Super Lama Extreme Sphere”, “Perfect Dark EX Sphere”, and “Kirby’s Adventures in Coloured Fun Land – Sphere”, while the PlayStation 3 yielded to public demand, launching with 17 titles of which 4 contained the word “monkey”. The best title was, amazingly, “Monkeyrismo”. Initially, concerns were raised over Kazunori Yamuchi’s sanity when he announced the latest GT game would feature ultra-realistic monkeys racing round real jungle circuits. The game shifted 1,670,000 copies, making it the most successful game of all time. LucasArts went bananas.
2 weeks later (again), Microsoft released the Ybox. 14 units were bought, Microsoft incurred massive losses and were bought by Apple Mac.
Over the next 2 decades, Sony released the PlayStation 4, the PlayStation 5, the PlayStation X and the, erm, PlayStation X2. Nintendo also released the GameDodecahedron, GameTetrahedron, GamePyramid and the GamePrism. The two companies continued releasing great consoles and greater games, until Sega stormed in with System-X, halfway through the PS2X and GPr’s lives. The console flopped mightily, partly due to the fact that Sony and Nintendo had bought all the other developers, and partly because it looked like a big “X” and was bright blue. 3 years on, the only surviving copy could only be found hanging on a wall inside a Brighton curry house. Sony bought Sega for $20.”
Just as Turbonutter was about to make his next “prediction”, the mysterious swirling light inside the crystal ball began flicker and died. Turbonutter muttered something about “bloody batteries” and quickly announced that his powers were fading. The Foggers gradually filed out of the carnival tent, and Turbonutter counted his takings.
“120 squids, not bad for a day’s work”
He removed the batteries from his crystal ball, and placed the in the charger. He turned to take off his robes and make a cup of tea, but just as he was looking for a mug inside a cupboard, the crystal balled flickered into life for a brief second, before settling back to its lifeless state. The batteries were still in the charger.
Turbonutter begins to speak:
“I see, yes, I see… I’m getting something, yes, here it comes:
Metal Gear Solid 2 had a surprise release at Christmas 2001, and sales of the PS2 machine doubled. The PS2 continued to sell out for 3 months, until the GameCube was launched in the UK. After a fairly successful launch with 12 games, the machine’s sales gradually increased as some more variety came into the available titles. The machine’s sales were dinted, however, by the launch of the Xbox 2 weeks later. Many people were wooed by the magnificent Halo, but decided not to buy it because Halo was the only game worth buying. Sales of PS2s and GameCubes soared, while the Xbox merely glided. Sales picked up after Project Gotham and Shenmue 2 were released, but the console still couldn’t shift the units. Stocks piled up, and forced Microsoft to cease production in 3 of its factories.
In 2004, the industry was rocked by the surprise return of the Indrema, the Linux-based console. Despite it actually being a PC in a box, the graphics were impressive and many people succumbed to the immediate ports of Quake 3, Unreal Tournament and Counter Strike, plus the promise of home networking, and the ability of the machine to make you coffee in the morning (really). Many small-time developers got on board, as well as EA, and the games started rolling in. In 4 months, it had over 900 games available, more than the PS2 and PSone put together. Despite the huge choice, there were very few actually worthy games, and led to a curfew being placed on it. A strict-ish quality control service was introduced, and only “good” games were released. However, studies showed that less people were buying it for the games, than for the “extra features”. Soon, the TeaMaker module was released, swiftly followed by the Bloody Mary, Budweiser and “Solpadine in Water” modules. It soon received the nickname “BeverageStation”, despite the unfortunate initials.
Gradually, the games became more like software, and the console dropped out of the gaming eye. It’s successor, the “Fab Fun Station” (more unfortunate initials…) shifted hardly any units, and the console/mini-pub died out in 2007.
Just as the FFS kicked the bucket, the PS2 and GameCube’s life ran out, and were replaced by the PlayStation, erm, 3, and the GameSphere. The GS, however, was yet again criticised like the GC before it, for not actually being a sphere due to the flat bottom it needed to stay upright. After a brief skirmish with the newly set up “Device Descriptions Department”, the GameSphere just made an unprecedented simultaneous release with the PlayStation 3. Both immediately outsold, but due to the GS’s naming problems, didn’t have enough units in the shops to outsell the PS3, which smashed all previous records with an amazing 1,670,000 machines sold. The GameSphere ended its first weekend with only 720,000 of them in the homes. The GS leaded with “Super Lama Extreme Sphere”, “Perfect Dark EX Sphere”, and “Kirby’s Adventures in Coloured Fun Land – Sphere”, while the PlayStation 3 yielded to public demand, launching with 17 titles of which 4 contained the word “monkey”. The best title was, amazingly, “Monkeyrismo”. Initially, concerns were raised over Kazunori Yamuchi’s sanity when he announced the latest GT game would feature ultra-realistic monkeys racing round real jungle circuits. The game shifted 1,670,000 copies, making it the most successful game of all time. LucasArts went bananas.
2 weeks later (again), Microsoft released the Ybox. 14 units were bought, Microsoft incurred massive losses and were bought by Apple Mac.
Over the next 2 decades, Sony released the PlayStation 4, the PlayStation 5, the PlayStation X and the, erm, PlayStation X2. Nintendo also released the GameDodecahedron, GameTetrahedron, GamePyramid and the GamePrism. The two companies continued releasing great consoles and greater games, until Sega stormed in with System-X, halfway through the PS2X and GPr’s lives. The console flopped mightily, partly due to the fact that Sony and Nintendo had bought all the other developers, and partly because it looked like a big “X” and was bright blue. 3 years on, the only surviving copy could only be found hanging on a wall inside a Brighton curry house. Sony bought Sega for $20.”
Just as Turbonutter was about to make his next “prediction”, the mysterious swirling light inside the crystal ball began flicker and died. Turbonutter muttered something about “bloody batteries” and quickly announced that his powers were fading. The Foggers gradually filed out of the carnival tent, and Turbonutter counted his takings.
“120 squids, not bad for a day’s work”
He removed the batteries from his crystal ball, and placed the in the charger. He turned to take off his robes and make a cup of tea, but just as he was looking for a mug inside a cupboard, the crystal balled flickered into life for a brief second, before settling back to its lifeless state. The batteries were still in the charger.
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Lets concentrate on the word vague.
Good news (ish):
For all those that are just dying to here about the complete life of the Indrema in high detail, glorious Turbocolour, there's a sequel on the way!
For all those that are just dying to here about the complete life of the Indrema in high detail, glorious Turbocolour, there's a sequel on the way!
(You really don't want to know what I think.)
well ok then but how big will it be?
The next Microsoft console is the homestation by the way.
i have one question. how big will the YBox be?
Na the Super Nintendo 6 cube 4 will kick the homestation all over the shop.
Look, the Gamesphere will kick the PS3 to pieces.
How many other consoles can, er, errm... be used as a football?
Never mind...
How many other consoles can, er, errm... be used as a football?
Never mind...
Um, if Sega called their console System X, it would get confused with telephone exchange equipment....
Always pedantic
Forever fantastic - It's Meka_Dragon!
Always pedantic
Forever fantastic - It's Meka_Dragon!
Lol - wd TBN. hmm, lots of abbreviations there. nm.
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