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LOG IN THE CREEK – EPISODE 3
“Still Waters Run Deep”
Log, Blane and Bear are back in the morgue/visitor center listening to Eartha explain how Leaf didn’t drown, Herb has discovered the inclusion of several wads of recycled sheets of paper and muesli.
Meanwhile Red is standing on Log’s usual outlook, surveying the valley before him. A red eagle soars above before resting on Red’s shoulder, flapping it’s wings before settling down.
Red stares flintily into the sun and tries to place himself in the mind of Chains Keeley, where would he go? What would he do in his place?
The only thing that sprang to mind was to run along the surf in slow-motion and rescue innocent children from ethnic drug dealers.
This didn’t appeal, so he continued to be all mysterious and wise.
A rabid shriek distant in the woods scares the birds into flight, and Red watches as they burst from the canopy and fly off.
It was dangerous to pursue a feral David Hasslehoff whilst the sun was to set shortly.
Who knew what manner of white-afro nasties would befall him?
Eartha removes the wads of paper from Leaf’s throat whilst the men stand round manfully, hands on hips and nod furiously at each new item brought out into the open.
She spreads the papers out and dries them with gusts from her musty shawl.
“Interesting” she says and leans forward.
Log is there in an instant, “What is it?”
“The papers, they are marked with a corporate logo, all the same”
Blane shakes his head “Jibba Jabba”
“No, she’s right” says Log “It’s marked down as Merciless Infamous Nefarious Group, with Gordon is not dead in red pen across it”
“M.I.N.G?” says a puzzled Bear “That name is familiar to me” and laughs really, really loudly in a Brian Blessed manner before shouting “Gordon’s alive?!”
As Bear laughs, Red spins round and whispers “Ming…”.
He jumps at the sound of footsteps approaching and hides behind a tree, the eagle helping to disguise him as a perch.
The figure approaches and stops short of the disguised Red. He sniffs the air and smiles “Red. Long time no see”
Red steps out and sees Sage Owl, a native-guide.
“Hey Owl, how you doing? You could easily pass for a Mexican in this light, or oriental”
“Yeah, that is handy for many different roles” says Owl in his best Lou Diamond Philips way, “I heard about Leaf. That sucks.”
“True”
Log and the boys leave the morgue with Eartha still performing busy-body novelist sleuthing techniques.
They see Owl and Red talking and Log jogs over, standing on the cliff-top so that the sun catches his manly profile
“Hi Log”
Log nods, “Sage. You heard about Leaf leaving life?”
“yep”
The men stand in silent mourning at the loss of Leaf’s playful tomfoolery.
Rogue Environmental Agency Headquarters
The shadowy boss reads through a dossier entitled “Leaf’s stupid plan to foil my evil plans” and smiles to himself.
“This is coming along perfectly.”
A figure behind him speaks, “I love it when a plan comes together”
The Woods
A family is out for a picnic and are camping out now that night has fallen.
The father sees his kids to bed and sits outside near the campfire with his wife. They toast marshmallows in the fire and other wholesome, mom ‘n pop activities to make us identify with them as decent, all American people and certainly no deserving of the cruel fate awaiting.
They eat and settle back against a rock, her head on his shoulder as they watch the stars.
A shadow passes across them and the man sits up.
“What was that?”
“Not sure, looked like some kind of feral man with an afro, but he was white…it couldn’t have been.”
The woman shrugs and rests her head against her husband’s shoulder again.
Morning Breaks
Bear and Blane walk out into the watery sunshine .
Log is still standing on the cliff, the rising sun catching his profile perfectly.
Owl comes over and looks puzzled, “I feel a disturbance in the woods. It’s as if a million tics cried out and were suddenly silenced”
Log nods, “Something is wrong, let’s check it out”
They all go into the woods to find the source of their unease.
They agree to split up, Log and Owl going off one way and Bear and Red going the other, whilst Blane circles overhead in his copter offering curses and humorous angry outbursts about “suckas getting thrown helluva far”.
Log and Owl are tracking things expertly when a whistle blows and they run, in slow-motion looking ultra-buff towards the distress signal.
When they arrive in a clearing, they find Bear and Red standing in the remains of what appears to be a family campsite.
“What happened?” asks Bear, stroking his massive beard and looking around.
Owl sniffs and drops to the floor, licking pine-cones and sniffing the earth “A family was here. But they were taken. But by whom?”
Log calls them over, “I think I know…look”
The group walk over to find a shredded tent, and smeared in chest-oil are the words “hahaha, I got the family and I totally will make them my slaves.”
Log grimaces, “Chains. He’s gone feral”
Owl is gumming a rock, “He had help”
Bear picks up a ranger’s hat “Rangers? We have any new ones?”
Red shivers “No, this can only mean one thing.”
“What?”
“The A-Team have gone bad and are serving Chains in his evil feral plans. Damn them and their moralising action-show ways.”
Feral Tribal Village
Chains is sitting on a throne made from recyclable plastic bottles, surveying his kingdom. He has shaven his head and has taken to mumbling about “the horror, the horror”.
The A-Team (minus Hannibal) have constructed primitive buildings from trees and have prepared several non-lethal traps to alert them should anyone try to sneak up on them.
The missing family are chained to a post in the middle of the village, looking non-plussed and bored.
Chains comes down the staircase leading up to his throne and smiles ferally at the family.
“So, you are my prisoners and will do my bidding or else I shall throw you into the lake, only to rescue you in slow-motion before singing and beating up some not-handsome psycho villains, because I am noble and wise.”
The dad sighs “Look, just let us go and we promise to not say anything.”
“Never! You are at the whims of my feral nature now. I think I shall force you to like…clean up and stuff. Boy I’m evil, just like my evil Michael Knight character, remember that episode?”
“Not really”
“You should, it displayed my ability to look menacing as well as smug and confused. Now I shall sing”
A German rock band, not unlike The Scorpions appear and strike up the intro to “Wind of Change”
The family scream and break into tears.
The Woods
Owl stops and sniffs the air before whispering “Germans. With guitars”
Log looks worried, “How is this possible?”
Owl shrugs “No idea mate, I’m just here to lend native authenticity to the show and teach you some mad kung-fu action later on for a pivotal fight scene.”
“Cool, let’s go and see what Eartha has discovered.”
They do so.
The Morgue
Eartha suddenly drops Herb’s notebook and covers her mouth with her hand in a dramatic manner once more.
The gang enter, “Whassup?”
“Nothing, just sitting here reading a diary”
(cue insert for product placement of particular beer brand)
A pause
“Hang on” says Owl, tasting the cover of the notebook, “Herb is missing”
“Damn, I forgot about that” sighs Log before stripping down to his waist and dashing off into the woods.
Rogue Environment Agency Basement
Herb comes to and is blindfolded, but otherwise not mistreated in any way.
“Hello?” asks Herb, “Is anyone there?”
A figure steps out from the darkness and chuckles in an evil boss way
“Hello Herb, remember me?”
“…no, sorry”
“Damn.” The blinfold comes off, “How about now?”
Herb squints up, “It’s you! But we thought you had died in the fire that claimed Fern, Log’s beautiful and faithful wife!”
Evil Boss steps forward “That’s what you were supposed to think, fool. But I am very much alive”
To be continued…
“Still Waters Run Deep”
Log, Blane and Bear are back in the morgue/visitor center listening to Eartha explain how Leaf didn’t drown, Herb has discovered the inclusion of several wads of recycled sheets of paper and muesli.
Meanwhile Red is standing on Log’s usual outlook, surveying the valley before him. A red eagle soars above before resting on Red’s shoulder, flapping it’s wings before settling down.
Red stares flintily into the sun and tries to place himself in the mind of Chains Keeley, where would he go? What would he do in his place?
The only thing that sprang to mind was to run along the surf in slow-motion and rescue innocent children from ethnic drug dealers.
This didn’t appeal, so he continued to be all mysterious and wise.
A rabid shriek distant in the woods scares the birds into flight, and Red watches as they burst from the canopy and fly off.
It was dangerous to pursue a feral David Hasslehoff whilst the sun was to set shortly.
Who knew what manner of white-afro nasties would befall him?
Eartha removes the wads of paper from Leaf’s throat whilst the men stand round manfully, hands on hips and nod furiously at each new item brought out into the open.
She spreads the papers out and dries them with gusts from her musty shawl.
“Interesting” she says and leans forward.
Log is there in an instant, “What is it?”
“The papers, they are marked with a corporate logo, all the same”
Blane shakes his head “Jibba Jabba”
“No, she’s right” says Log “It’s marked down as Merciless Infamous Nefarious Group, with Gordon is not dead in red pen across it”
“M.I.N.G?” says a puzzled Bear “That name is familiar to me” and laughs really, really loudly in a Brian Blessed manner before shouting “Gordon’s alive?!”
As Bear laughs, Red spins round and whispers “Ming…”.
He jumps at the sound of footsteps approaching and hides behind a tree, the eagle helping to disguise him as a perch.
The figure approaches and stops short of the disguised Red. He sniffs the air and smiles “Red. Long time no see”
Red steps out and sees Sage Owl, a native-guide.
“Hey Owl, how you doing? You could easily pass for a Mexican in this light, or oriental”
“Yeah, that is handy for many different roles” says Owl in his best Lou Diamond Philips way, “I heard about Leaf. That sucks.”
“True”
Log and the boys leave the morgue with Eartha still performing busy-body novelist sleuthing techniques.
They see Owl and Red talking and Log jogs over, standing on the cliff-top so that the sun catches his manly profile
“Hi Log”
Log nods, “Sage. You heard about Leaf leaving life?”
“yep”
The men stand in silent mourning at the loss of Leaf’s playful tomfoolery.
Rogue Environmental Agency Headquarters
The shadowy boss reads through a dossier entitled “Leaf’s stupid plan to foil my evil plans” and smiles to himself.
“This is coming along perfectly.”
A figure behind him speaks, “I love it when a plan comes together”
The Woods
A family is out for a picnic and are camping out now that night has fallen.
The father sees his kids to bed and sits outside near the campfire with his wife. They toast marshmallows in the fire and other wholesome, mom ‘n pop activities to make us identify with them as decent, all American people and certainly no deserving of the cruel fate awaiting.
They eat and settle back against a rock, her head on his shoulder as they watch the stars.
A shadow passes across them and the man sits up.
“What was that?”
“Not sure, looked like some kind of feral man with an afro, but he was white…it couldn’t have been.”
The woman shrugs and rests her head against her husband’s shoulder again.
Morning Breaks
Bear and Blane walk out into the watery sunshine .
Log is still standing on the cliff, the rising sun catching his profile perfectly.
Owl comes over and looks puzzled, “I feel a disturbance in the woods. It’s as if a million tics cried out and were suddenly silenced”
Log nods, “Something is wrong, let’s check it out”
They all go into the woods to find the source of their unease.
They agree to split up, Log and Owl going off one way and Bear and Red going the other, whilst Blane circles overhead in his copter offering curses and humorous angry outbursts about “suckas getting thrown helluva far”.
Log and Owl are tracking things expertly when a whistle blows and they run, in slow-motion looking ultra-buff towards the distress signal.
When they arrive in a clearing, they find Bear and Red standing in the remains of what appears to be a family campsite.
“What happened?” asks Bear, stroking his massive beard and looking around.
Owl sniffs and drops to the floor, licking pine-cones and sniffing the earth “A family was here. But they were taken. But by whom?”
Log calls them over, “I think I know…look”
The group walk over to find a shredded tent, and smeared in chest-oil are the words “hahaha, I got the family and I totally will make them my slaves.”
Log grimaces, “Chains. He’s gone feral”
Owl is gumming a rock, “He had help”
Bear picks up a ranger’s hat “Rangers? We have any new ones?”
Red shivers “No, this can only mean one thing.”
“What?”
“The A-Team have gone bad and are serving Chains in his evil feral plans. Damn them and their moralising action-show ways.”
Feral Tribal Village
Chains is sitting on a throne made from recyclable plastic bottles, surveying his kingdom. He has shaven his head and has taken to mumbling about “the horror, the horror”.
The A-Team (minus Hannibal) have constructed primitive buildings from trees and have prepared several non-lethal traps to alert them should anyone try to sneak up on them.
The missing family are chained to a post in the middle of the village, looking non-plussed and bored.
Chains comes down the staircase leading up to his throne and smiles ferally at the family.
“So, you are my prisoners and will do my bidding or else I shall throw you into the lake, only to rescue you in slow-motion before singing and beating up some not-handsome psycho villains, because I am noble and wise.”
The dad sighs “Look, just let us go and we promise to not say anything.”
“Never! You are at the whims of my feral nature now. I think I shall force you to like…clean up and stuff. Boy I’m evil, just like my evil Michael Knight character, remember that episode?”
“Not really”
“You should, it displayed my ability to look menacing as well as smug and confused. Now I shall sing”
A German rock band, not unlike The Scorpions appear and strike up the intro to “Wind of Change”
The family scream and break into tears.
The Woods
Owl stops and sniffs the air before whispering “Germans. With guitars”
Log looks worried, “How is this possible?”
Owl shrugs “No idea mate, I’m just here to lend native authenticity to the show and teach you some mad kung-fu action later on for a pivotal fight scene.”
“Cool, let’s go and see what Eartha has discovered.”
They do so.
The Morgue
Eartha suddenly drops Herb’s notebook and covers her mouth with her hand in a dramatic manner once more.
The gang enter, “Whassup?”
“Nothing, just sitting here reading a diary”
(cue insert for product placement of particular beer brand)
A pause
“Hang on” says Owl, tasting the cover of the notebook, “Herb is missing”
“Damn, I forgot about that” sighs Log before stripping down to his waist and dashing off into the woods.
Rogue Environment Agency Basement
Herb comes to and is blindfolded, but otherwise not mistreated in any way.
“Hello?” asks Herb, “Is anyone there?”
A figure steps out from the darkness and chuckles in an evil boss way
“Hello Herb, remember me?”
“…no, sorry”
“Damn.” The blinfold comes off, “How about now?”
Herb squints up, “It’s you! But we thought you had died in the fire that claimed Fern, Log’s beautiful and faithful wife!”
Evil Boss steps forward “That’s what you were supposed to think, fool. But I am very much alive”
To be continued…
LOL
Amazon had to order The Original Gangstas, should get it soon.
I wonder if we've been flagged on some Action-Movie database somewhere?
Amazon had to order The Original Gangstas, should get it soon.
I wonder if we've been flagged on some Action-Movie database somewhere?
Yeah, and I still think my tagline ruled when the news of who is directing the new Hulk movie broke:
"Don't make him Ang Lee"
Chortle...chortle..
As for scanning the Carpenter vid cover, please please do.
And a review of it would float my boat.
"Don't make him Ang Lee"
Chortle...chortle..
As for scanning the Carpenter vid cover, please please do.
And a review of it would float my boat.
Goatboy wrote:
> I still bust-a-gut reading the taglines of us merry
> pranksters.
Meka, got The Carpenter yet?
Yes, but I haven't had chance to watch it yet, should find a 90 minute running time window sometime this weekend, then you'll get a full review.
And maybe, when I get a chance, I'll get someone to scan the cover onto a disc, and I'll email it to anyone that wants it.
Maybe.
Any chance of David Banner appearing in a future episode of Log?
> I still bust-a-gut reading the taglines of us merry
> pranksters.
Meka, got The Carpenter yet?
Yes, but I haven't had chance to watch it yet, should find a 90 minute running time window sometime this weekend, then you'll get a full review.
And maybe, when I get a chance, I'll get someone to scan the cover onto a disc, and I'll email it to anyone that wants it.
Maybe.
Any chance of David Banner appearing in a future episode of Log?
I still bust-a-gut reading the taglines of us merry pranksters.
Meka, got The Carpenter yet?
I stuck in references to Star Wars, Apocalypse Now, The Legend of Boggy Creek, Flash Gordon and Delta Force 2.
Cult retro references make for tip-top tv action.
We could get this sold once it's done, I'd watch it
Meka, got The Carpenter yet?
I stuck in references to Star Wars, Apocalypse Now, The Legend of Boggy Creek, Flash Gordon and Delta Force 2.
Cult retro references make for tip-top tv action.
We could get this sold once it's done, I'd watch it
white-afro nasties
Classic.
Classic.
Am I ever glad I'm currently in the office alone.
Tears of laughter did flow when Bear cried "Gordon's alive?!"
Tears of laughter did flow when Bear cried "Gordon's alive?!"
First class, particulary liked 'THe Horror, The Horror....'
Made me laugh anyway.
Made me laugh anyway.
LOG IN THE CREEK – EPISODE 3
“Still Waters Run Deep”
Log, Blane and Bear are back in the morgue/visitor center listening to Eartha explain how Leaf didn’t drown, Herb has discovered the inclusion of several wads of recycled sheets of paper and muesli.
Meanwhile Red is standing on Log’s usual outlook, surveying the valley before him. A red eagle soars above before resting on Red’s shoulder, flapping it’s wings before settling down.
Red stares flintily into the sun and tries to place himself in the mind of Chains Keeley, where would he go? What would he do in his place?
The only thing that sprang to mind was to run along the surf in slow-motion and rescue innocent children from ethnic drug dealers.
This didn’t appeal, so he continued to be all mysterious and wise.
A rabid shriek distant in the woods scares the birds into flight, and Red watches as they burst from the canopy and fly off.
It was dangerous to pursue a feral David Hasslehoff whilst the sun was to set shortly.
Who knew what manner of white-afro nasties would befall him?
Eartha removes the wads of paper from Leaf’s throat whilst the men stand round manfully, hands on hips and nod furiously at each new item brought out into the open.
She spreads the papers out and dries them with gusts from her musty shawl.
“Interesting” she says and leans forward.
Log is there in an instant, “What is it?”
“The papers, they are marked with a corporate logo, all the same”
Blane shakes his head “Jibba Jabba”
“No, she’s right” says Log “It’s marked down as Merciless Infamous Nefarious Group, with Gordon is not dead in red pen across it”
“M.I.N.G?” says a puzzled Bear “That name is familiar to me” and laughs really, really loudly in a Brian Blessed manner before shouting “Gordon’s alive?!”
As Bear laughs, Red spins round and whispers “Ming…”.
He jumps at the sound of footsteps approaching and hides behind a tree, the eagle helping to disguise him as a perch.
The figure approaches and stops short of the disguised Red. He sniffs the air and smiles “Red. Long time no see”
Red steps out and sees Sage Owl, a native-guide.
“Hey Owl, how you doing? You could easily pass for a Mexican in this light, or oriental”
“Yeah, that is handy for many different roles” says Owl in his best Lou Diamond Philips way, “I heard about Leaf. That sucks.”
“True”
Log and the boys leave the morgue with Eartha still performing busy-body novelist sleuthing techniques.
They see Owl and Red talking and Log jogs over, standing on the cliff-top so that the sun catches his manly profile
“Hi Log”
Log nods, “Sage. You heard about Leaf leaving life?”
“yep”
The men stand in silent mourning at the loss of Leaf’s playful tomfoolery.
Rogue Environmental Agency Headquarters
The shadowy boss reads through a dossier entitled “Leaf’s stupid plan to foil my evil plans” and smiles to himself.
“This is coming along perfectly.”
A figure behind him speaks, “I love it when a plan comes together”
The Woods
A family is out for a picnic and are camping out now that night has fallen.
The father sees his kids to bed and sits outside near the campfire with his wife. They toast marshmallows in the fire and other wholesome, mom ‘n pop activities to make us identify with them as decent, all American people and certainly no deserving of the cruel fate awaiting.
They eat and settle back against a rock, her head on his shoulder as they watch the stars.
A shadow passes across them and the man sits up.
“What was that?”
“Not sure, looked like some kind of feral man with an afro, but he was white…it couldn’t have been.”
The woman shrugs and rests her head against her husband’s shoulder again.
Morning Breaks
Bear and Blane walk out into the watery sunshine .
Log is still standing on the cliff, the rising sun catching his profile perfectly.
Owl comes over and looks puzzled, “I feel a disturbance in the woods. It’s as if a million tics cried out and were suddenly silenced”
Log nods, “Something is wrong, let’s check it out”
They all go into the woods to find the source of their unease.
They agree to split up, Log and Owl going off one way and Bear and Red going the other, whilst Blane circles overhead in his copter offering curses and humorous angry outbursts about “suckas getting thrown helluva far”.
Log and Owl are tracking things expertly when a whistle blows and they run, in slow-motion looking ultra-buff towards the distress signal.
When they arrive in a clearing, they find Bear and Red standing in the remains of what appears to be a family campsite.
“What happened?” asks Bear, stroking his massive beard and looking around.
Owl sniffs and drops to the floor, licking pine-cones and sniffing the earth “A family was here. But they were taken. But by whom?”
Log calls them over, “I think I know…look”
The group walk over to find a shredded tent, and smeared in chest-oil are the words “hahaha, I got the family and I totally will make them my slaves.”
Log grimaces, “Chains. He’s gone feral”
Owl is gumming a rock, “He had help”
Bear picks up a ranger’s hat “Rangers? We have any new ones?”
Red shivers “No, this can only mean one thing.”
“What?”
“The A-Team have gone bad and are serving Chains in his evil feral plans. Damn them and their moralising action-show ways.”
Feral Tribal Village
Chains is sitting on a throne made from recyclable plastic bottles, surveying his kingdom. He has shaven his head and has taken to mumbling about “the horror, the horror”.
The A-Team (minus Hannibal) have constructed primitive buildings from trees and have prepared several non-lethal traps to alert them should anyone try to sneak up on them.
The missing family are chained to a post in the middle of the village, looking non-plussed and bored.
Chains comes down the staircase leading up to his throne and smiles ferally at the family.
“So, you are my prisoners and will do my bidding or else I shall throw you into the lake, only to rescue you in slow-motion before singing and beating up some not-handsome psycho villains, because I am noble and wise.”
The dad sighs “Look, just let us go and we promise to not say anything.”
“Never! You are at the whims of my feral nature now. I think I shall force you to like…clean up and stuff. Boy I’m evil, just like my evil Michael Knight character, remember that episode?”
“Not really”
“You should, it displayed my ability to look menacing as well as smug and confused. Now I shall sing”
A German rock band, not unlike The Scorpions appear and strike up the intro to “Wind of Change”
The family scream and break into tears.
The Woods
Owl stops and sniffs the air before whispering “Germans. With guitars”
Log looks worried, “How is this possible?”
Owl shrugs “No idea mate, I’m just here to lend native authenticity to the show and teach you some mad kung-fu action later on for a pivotal fight scene.”
“Cool, let’s go and see what Eartha has discovered.”
They do so.
The Morgue
Eartha suddenly drops Herb’s notebook and covers her mouth with her hand in a dramatic manner once more.
The gang enter, “Whassup?”
“Nothing, just sitting here reading a diary”
(cue insert for product placement of particular beer brand)
A pause
“Hang on” says Owl, tasting the cover of the notebook, “Herb is missing”
“Damn, I forgot about that” sighs Log before stripping down to his waist and dashing off into the woods.
Rogue Environment Agency Basement
Herb comes to and is blindfolded, but otherwise not mistreated in any way.
“Hello?” asks Herb, “Is anyone there?”
A figure steps out from the darkness and chuckles in an evil boss way
“Hello Herb, remember me?”
“…no, sorry”
“Damn.” The blinfold comes off, “How about now?”
Herb squints up, “It’s you! But we thought you had died in the fire that claimed Fern, Log’s beautiful and faithful wife!”
Evil Boss steps forward “That’s what you were supposed to think, fool. But I am very much alive”
To be continued…
“Still Waters Run Deep”
Log, Blane and Bear are back in the morgue/visitor center listening to Eartha explain how Leaf didn’t drown, Herb has discovered the inclusion of several wads of recycled sheets of paper and muesli.
Meanwhile Red is standing on Log’s usual outlook, surveying the valley before him. A red eagle soars above before resting on Red’s shoulder, flapping it’s wings before settling down.
Red stares flintily into the sun and tries to place himself in the mind of Chains Keeley, where would he go? What would he do in his place?
The only thing that sprang to mind was to run along the surf in slow-motion and rescue innocent children from ethnic drug dealers.
This didn’t appeal, so he continued to be all mysterious and wise.
A rabid shriek distant in the woods scares the birds into flight, and Red watches as they burst from the canopy and fly off.
It was dangerous to pursue a feral David Hasslehoff whilst the sun was to set shortly.
Who knew what manner of white-afro nasties would befall him?
Eartha removes the wads of paper from Leaf’s throat whilst the men stand round manfully, hands on hips and nod furiously at each new item brought out into the open.
She spreads the papers out and dries them with gusts from her musty shawl.
“Interesting” she says and leans forward.
Log is there in an instant, “What is it?”
“The papers, they are marked with a corporate logo, all the same”
Blane shakes his head “Jibba Jabba”
“No, she’s right” says Log “It’s marked down as Merciless Infamous Nefarious Group, with Gordon is not dead in red pen across it”
“M.I.N.G?” says a puzzled Bear “That name is familiar to me” and laughs really, really loudly in a Brian Blessed manner before shouting “Gordon’s alive?!”
As Bear laughs, Red spins round and whispers “Ming…”.
He jumps at the sound of footsteps approaching and hides behind a tree, the eagle helping to disguise him as a perch.
The figure approaches and stops short of the disguised Red. He sniffs the air and smiles “Red. Long time no see”
Red steps out and sees Sage Owl, a native-guide.
“Hey Owl, how you doing? You could easily pass for a Mexican in this light, or oriental”
“Yeah, that is handy for many different roles” says Owl in his best Lou Diamond Philips way, “I heard about Leaf. That sucks.”
“True”
Log and the boys leave the morgue with Eartha still performing busy-body novelist sleuthing techniques.
They see Owl and Red talking and Log jogs over, standing on the cliff-top so that the sun catches his manly profile
“Hi Log”
Log nods, “Sage. You heard about Leaf leaving life?”
“yep”
The men stand in silent mourning at the loss of Leaf’s playful tomfoolery.
Rogue Environmental Agency Headquarters
The shadowy boss reads through a dossier entitled “Leaf’s stupid plan to foil my evil plans” and smiles to himself.
“This is coming along perfectly.”
A figure behind him speaks, “I love it when a plan comes together”
The Woods
A family is out for a picnic and are camping out now that night has fallen.
The father sees his kids to bed and sits outside near the campfire with his wife. They toast marshmallows in the fire and other wholesome, mom ‘n pop activities to make us identify with them as decent, all American people and certainly no deserving of the cruel fate awaiting.
They eat and settle back against a rock, her head on his shoulder as they watch the stars.
A shadow passes across them and the man sits up.
“What was that?”
“Not sure, looked like some kind of feral man with an afro, but he was white…it couldn’t have been.”
The woman shrugs and rests her head against her husband’s shoulder again.
Morning Breaks
Bear and Blane walk out into the watery sunshine .
Log is still standing on the cliff, the rising sun catching his profile perfectly.
Owl comes over and looks puzzled, “I feel a disturbance in the woods. It’s as if a million tics cried out and were suddenly silenced”
Log nods, “Something is wrong, let’s check it out”
They all go into the woods to find the source of their unease.
They agree to split up, Log and Owl going off one way and Bear and Red going the other, whilst Blane circles overhead in his copter offering curses and humorous angry outbursts about “suckas getting thrown helluva far”.
Log and Owl are tracking things expertly when a whistle blows and they run, in slow-motion looking ultra-buff towards the distress signal.
When they arrive in a clearing, they find Bear and Red standing in the remains of what appears to be a family campsite.
“What happened?” asks Bear, stroking his massive beard and looking around.
Owl sniffs and drops to the floor, licking pine-cones and sniffing the earth “A family was here. But they were taken. But by whom?”
Log calls them over, “I think I know…look”
The group walk over to find a shredded tent, and smeared in chest-oil are the words “hahaha, I got the family and I totally will make them my slaves.”
Log grimaces, “Chains. He’s gone feral”
Owl is gumming a rock, “He had help”
Bear picks up a ranger’s hat “Rangers? We have any new ones?”
Red shivers “No, this can only mean one thing.”
“What?”
“The A-Team have gone bad and are serving Chains in his evil feral plans. Damn them and their moralising action-show ways.”
Feral Tribal Village
Chains is sitting on a throne made from recyclable plastic bottles, surveying his kingdom. He has shaven his head and has taken to mumbling about “the horror, the horror”.
The A-Team (minus Hannibal) have constructed primitive buildings from trees and have prepared several non-lethal traps to alert them should anyone try to sneak up on them.
The missing family are chained to a post in the middle of the village, looking non-plussed and bored.
Chains comes down the staircase leading up to his throne and smiles ferally at the family.
“So, you are my prisoners and will do my bidding or else I shall throw you into the lake, only to rescue you in slow-motion before singing and beating up some not-handsome psycho villains, because I am noble and wise.”
The dad sighs “Look, just let us go and we promise to not say anything.”
“Never! You are at the whims of my feral nature now. I think I shall force you to like…clean up and stuff. Boy I’m evil, just like my evil Michael Knight character, remember that episode?”
“Not really”
“You should, it displayed my ability to look menacing as well as smug and confused. Now I shall sing”
A German rock band, not unlike The Scorpions appear and strike up the intro to “Wind of Change”
The family scream and break into tears.
The Woods
Owl stops and sniffs the air before whispering “Germans. With guitars”
Log looks worried, “How is this possible?”
Owl shrugs “No idea mate, I’m just here to lend native authenticity to the show and teach you some mad kung-fu action later on for a pivotal fight scene.”
“Cool, let’s go and see what Eartha has discovered.”
They do so.
The Morgue
Eartha suddenly drops Herb’s notebook and covers her mouth with her hand in a dramatic manner once more.
The gang enter, “Whassup?”
“Nothing, just sitting here reading a diary”
(cue insert for product placement of particular beer brand)
A pause
“Hang on” says Owl, tasting the cover of the notebook, “Herb is missing”
“Damn, I forgot about that” sighs Log before stripping down to his waist and dashing off into the woods.
Rogue Environment Agency Basement
Herb comes to and is blindfolded, but otherwise not mistreated in any way.
“Hello?” asks Herb, “Is anyone there?”
A figure steps out from the darkness and chuckles in an evil boss way
“Hello Herb, remember me?”
“…no, sorry”
“Damn.” The blinfold comes off, “How about now?”
Herb squints up, “It’s you! But we thought you had died in the fire that claimed Fern, Log’s beautiful and faithful wife!”
Evil Boss steps forward “That’s what you were supposed to think, fool. But I am very much alive”
To be continued…