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Welcome to my comprehensive guide on Xbox tennis game Top Spin – if you want to smash your opponent’s brains out in this fine simulation of the gentleman’s sport, you’ll need to study this information closely. It’s a cut and thrust world out there, and if you don’t have the right attitude, then you won’t survive. This is the Top Spin bible, and I am your God.
Firstly, get to know your equipment.
You will need a faulty Xbox, which will cause massive amounts of slowdown at vital points in the match. If you can somehow cause your internet connection to crawl to around a frame a second, this should be enough to enrage your opponent sufficiently so that he/she storms off in a huff, leaving you with the spoils. See, you’re moving up the rankings already and you haven’t even hit a ball yet!
Next, the Xbox Live communicator headset. You’ll be required to wear this at all times, even when it’s painfully obvious that your opponent isn’t wearing one, and even if he is, is refusing to talk to you. This is so you can commentate on every point, despite the fact your opponent can see what’s happening – in fact, he’s playing in the same game! It also helps if you can put on a fake foreign accent, and like to speak very loudly and deliberately. Endlessly repeat your opponent’s name in a monotonous drawl. Keep asking them their ranking. Ask them if they saw that last point. Chances are, they did.
A vicious sounding character name is important if you want to succeed at Top Spin. May I suggest something in relation to a wild animal, recreational drug or perhaps a powerful handgun – this will make you seem dangerous and not at all ridiculous, giving you the all important edge over your opponent. Personally, I go by the name Edge McPistolTiger. Look out for me in the lobby. I’m the one talking in the fake German accent.
Your image is just as important as your name in Top Spin, after all, not only are you representing yourself, you’re representing the country you’re pretending to come from. A quick trip to the Salon might be in order, where you can make sure you have the necessary ginger hair dye added (unless you’re unfortunate enough to have it as your natural colour) plus the mandatory tramlines, shaved sides and cornrolls to complete the look of a tennis pro. Think of your Top Spin character as your digital representation of your physical self, a bit like how Neo looks when he fights in the Matrix. Keep this in mind when you step onto court in your sunglasses, tie-die t-shirt and trackie bottoms. You’re dressed to kill. At tennis.
Now, to the on-court action! It’s important that you learn all of the shots in Top Spin if you want to rival the best players in the world. The button layout is as follows:
B button: Top Spin
X button: Doesn’t really matter
A button: Slightly across from the Top Spin button
Y: Hmm, don’t know actually
L trigger: Irrelevant
R trigger: Is this the Top Spin button? Ah, that’s B, sorry.
Although all of the above functions are important, the shot you’ll be using most is the Top Spin button – in fact, this is the only shot you’ll ever need to use! Ever! This ensures that no matter where either you or your opponent are on court, your shot will spin outrageously off the side of the screen, leaving one hapless player furiously running into a mysterious invisible wall, waving his racquet around like a retard trying to swat a fly that only exists in his confused little mind. Instant success!
Don’t make the mistake that a lot of other players do – the other buttons may actually give your opponent a chance to hit the ball back across the net, something which can only lead to disaster. Believe it or not, with improper button usage, this can sometimes happen several times a point, a phenomenon known in close tennis circles as a ‘rally’. Obviously this will hinder your success at becoming World’s No. 1 – don’t ever accidentally let fun get in the way of your victory.
A pointer to remember – when your opponent is about to serve, make sure you hit the button to skip the cut-scene, forcing him to accidentally hit the ‘lame serve’ button, causing a nicely floated shot to drift over the net so you can pummel it past the invisible wall. This is an essential tool if you want to conquer Top Spin – use it well, and you may well force your opponent into an early grave or at least start them on the wobbly road to mental instability.
I said this at the beginning of the guide, and I’ll say it again – you’ve got to have the right attitude. Thankfully, the makers of Top Spin have handily included two Attitude buttons, so you don’t have to worry about having any semblance of a personality! It is absolutely essential that you push the Offensive Attitude button after every single point – not only will this let your opponent see how fantastic you are, but it will also cause him to hit the ‘lame serve’ button to skip the cut-scene (which you’ve already just pressed – 15 to love, thank you).
Ramming your attitude down your opponent’s throat will make him respect you more, and help inflate your ego. And after all, you’ve been smashing at that Top Spin button all day, you deserved that point. If you don’t walk up to the net after every point and threaten to cut your opponent’s throat, he will think you are a thong-wearing pansy who likes to walk in the rain and sleep on a bed covered in teddy bears. It must be pushed, even after points you don’t really deserve, like double faults. You don’t want him to think you’re a girl, do you? Pump away like a hungry monkey with a food dispenser button.
Should the unthinkable actually happen and you find yourself on the verge of losing a match (if you’ve followed this guide then you’re beyond help, I never met you and this conversation isn’t taking place), then there is one final solution to save face. If you’re staring at a Match Point, then the answer is simple – it’s big, round, glows green and lives on the front of your Xbox. Simply power off and forget the match ever took place. Have a Coke, and maybe a sandwich. Should you wish to re-enter the Top Spin arena, then you’ll need to sign up for a new Xbox Live account and create a new GamerTag – after all, the old one was almost sullied with the embarrassment of defeat and you can’t have anyone thinking you’re almost human. A new controller will be required, and your clothes should be burnt.
So there you have it – a flawless guide to hitting the aces in Top Spin. Follow this advice, and you too could sit astride the global rankings alongside EvilAllen1980 and Mad_Krazy_Spliff_Smoker! Social acceptance and a girlfriend are surely just around the corner, and real friends are now very much a possibility! Happy tennis!
Firstly, get to know your equipment.
You will need a faulty Xbox, which will cause massive amounts of slowdown at vital points in the match. If you can somehow cause your internet connection to crawl to around a frame a second, this should be enough to enrage your opponent sufficiently so that he/she storms off in a huff, leaving you with the spoils. See, you’re moving up the rankings already and you haven’t even hit a ball yet!
Next, the Xbox Live communicator headset. You’ll be required to wear this at all times, even when it’s painfully obvious that your opponent isn’t wearing one, and even if he is, is refusing to talk to you. This is so you can commentate on every point, despite the fact your opponent can see what’s happening – in fact, he’s playing in the same game! It also helps if you can put on a fake foreign accent, and like to speak very loudly and deliberately. Endlessly repeat your opponent’s name in a monotonous drawl. Keep asking them their ranking. Ask them if they saw that last point. Chances are, they did.
A vicious sounding character name is important if you want to succeed at Top Spin. May I suggest something in relation to a wild animal, recreational drug or perhaps a powerful handgun – this will make you seem dangerous and not at all ridiculous, giving you the all important edge over your opponent. Personally, I go by the name Edge McPistolTiger. Look out for me in the lobby. I’m the one talking in the fake German accent.
Your image is just as important as your name in Top Spin, after all, not only are you representing yourself, you’re representing the country you’re pretending to come from. A quick trip to the Salon might be in order, where you can make sure you have the necessary ginger hair dye added (unless you’re unfortunate enough to have it as your natural colour) plus the mandatory tramlines, shaved sides and cornrolls to complete the look of a tennis pro. Think of your Top Spin character as your digital representation of your physical self, a bit like how Neo looks when he fights in the Matrix. Keep this in mind when you step onto court in your sunglasses, tie-die t-shirt and trackie bottoms. You’re dressed to kill. At tennis.
Now, to the on-court action! It’s important that you learn all of the shots in Top Spin if you want to rival the best players in the world. The button layout is as follows:
B button: Top Spin
X button: Doesn’t really matter
A button: Slightly across from the Top Spin button
Y: Hmm, don’t know actually
L trigger: Irrelevant
R trigger: Is this the Top Spin button? Ah, that’s B, sorry.
Although all of the above functions are important, the shot you’ll be using most is the Top Spin button – in fact, this is the only shot you’ll ever need to use! Ever! This ensures that no matter where either you or your opponent are on court, your shot will spin outrageously off the side of the screen, leaving one hapless player furiously running into a mysterious invisible wall, waving his racquet around like a retard trying to swat a fly that only exists in his confused little mind. Instant success!
Don’t make the mistake that a lot of other players do – the other buttons may actually give your opponent a chance to hit the ball back across the net, something which can only lead to disaster. Believe it or not, with improper button usage, this can sometimes happen several times a point, a phenomenon known in close tennis circles as a ‘rally’. Obviously this will hinder your success at becoming World’s No. 1 – don’t ever accidentally let fun get in the way of your victory.
A pointer to remember – when your opponent is about to serve, make sure you hit the button to skip the cut-scene, forcing him to accidentally hit the ‘lame serve’ button, causing a nicely floated shot to drift over the net so you can pummel it past the invisible wall. This is an essential tool if you want to conquer Top Spin – use it well, and you may well force your opponent into an early grave or at least start them on the wobbly road to mental instability.
I said this at the beginning of the guide, and I’ll say it again – you’ve got to have the right attitude. Thankfully, the makers of Top Spin have handily included two Attitude buttons, so you don’t have to worry about having any semblance of a personality! It is absolutely essential that you push the Offensive Attitude button after every single point – not only will this let your opponent see how fantastic you are, but it will also cause him to hit the ‘lame serve’ button to skip the cut-scene (which you’ve already just pressed – 15 to love, thank you).
Ramming your attitude down your opponent’s throat will make him respect you more, and help inflate your ego. And after all, you’ve been smashing at that Top Spin button all day, you deserved that point. If you don’t walk up to the net after every point and threaten to cut your opponent’s throat, he will think you are a thong-wearing pansy who likes to walk in the rain and sleep on a bed covered in teddy bears. It must be pushed, even after points you don’t really deserve, like double faults. You don’t want him to think you’re a girl, do you? Pump away like a hungry monkey with a food dispenser button.
Should the unthinkable actually happen and you find yourself on the verge of losing a match (if you’ve followed this guide then you’re beyond help, I never met you and this conversation isn’t taking place), then there is one final solution to save face. If you’re staring at a Match Point, then the answer is simple – it’s big, round, glows green and lives on the front of your Xbox. Simply power off and forget the match ever took place. Have a Coke, and maybe a sandwich. Should you wish to re-enter the Top Spin arena, then you’ll need to sign up for a new Xbox Live account and create a new GamerTag – after all, the old one was almost sullied with the embarrassment of defeat and you can’t have anyone thinking you’re almost human. A new controller will be required, and your clothes should be burnt.
So there you have it – a flawless guide to hitting the aces in Top Spin. Follow this advice, and you too could sit astride the global rankings alongside EvilAllen1980 and Mad_Krazy_Spliff_Smoker! Social acceptance and a girlfriend are surely just around the corner, and real friends are now very much a possibility! Happy tennis!
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One day, Snuggly's going to be in the midst of a mid-life crisis and describing his traumatic war with Top Spin and Xbox Live to a shrink.
You mark (haha) my words.
You mark (haha) my words.
Tiltawhirl wrote:
> You want to beat the box and Cd, so Snuggly's a god?
for opening my eyes to that fact that this gmae is sooo annoying to play online!
> You want to beat the box and Cd, so Snuggly's a god?
for opening my eyes to that fact that this gmae is sooo annoying to play online!
I'm going on tonight. YeY.
You want to beat the box and Cd, so Snuggly's a god?
Snuggly..you are a god, got the game yesturday after playing online I already want to beat the box and CD in!
CreepyMageecaan wrote:
> Mr Snuggly that is funking hilarious, :D the whole "burn your
> clothes" had my laughing so much, I want this game so much now!
> if only to annoy people, oh and if your reading this dreamwarmy get
> this so you can yell your Mr. T down the mic at them after every
> point you win, HAHA! :D
>
> "OH YEA MR. T WON, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM SOLDIER!?! MR. T WON AND
> SAYS HELL YEA!!"
SUCKA!
> Mr Snuggly that is funking hilarious, :D the whole "burn your
> clothes" had my laughing so much, I want this game so much now!
> if only to annoy people, oh and if your reading this dreamwarmy get
> this so you can yell your Mr. T down the mic at them after every
> point you win, HAHA! :D
>
> "OH YEA MR. T WON, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM SOLDIER!?! MR. T WON AND
> SAYS HELL YEA!!"
SUCKA!
Notorious Biggles wrote:
> I got this the other day. Great game so far, really ace (I'm sorry for
> that one) but when I went to go on Live with it there appeared to be
> ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE. Meh.
>
> I'll try another time. Just now however, I'll go off an shoot people.
That happens from time to time, but if you set up your own match someone is guaranteed to join in about 2-3 minutes. Something weird happened with the stats though the other day, and our doubles ranking went from in the top 1000 to under 9000! That was really annoying.
> I got this the other day. Great game so far, really ace (I'm sorry for
> that one) but when I went to go on Live with it there appeared to be
> ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE. Meh.
>
> I'll try another time. Just now however, I'll go off an shoot people.
That happens from time to time, but if you set up your own match someone is guaranteed to join in about 2-3 minutes. Something weird happened with the stats though the other day, and our doubles ranking went from in the top 1000 to under 9000! That was really annoying.
Mr Snuggly that is funking hilarious, :D the whole "burn your clothes" had my laughing so much, I want this game so much now! if only to annoy people, oh and if your reading this dreamwarmy get this so you can yell your Mr. T down the mic at them after every point you win, HAHA! :D
"OH YEA MR. T WON, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM SOLDIER!?! MR. T WON AND SAYS HELL YEA!!"
"OH YEA MR. T WON, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM SOLDIER!?! MR. T WON AND SAYS HELL YEA!!"
Snuggly, I do not have Top Spin or an Xbox however both have been on my list for a while. Obviously the XBOX. This hilarious review has pushed me over that tiny little boundary into becoming an XBOX owner. Well done, you just sold an XBOX. ;)
I got this the other day. Great game so far, really ace (I'm sorry for that one) but when I went to go on Live with it there appeared to be ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE. Meh.
I'll try another time. Just now however, I'll go off an shoot people.
I'll try another time. Just now however, I'll go off an shoot people.
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