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Before you all start I want to make sure you all understand.
This is not an official Gameaday competition
There are no prizes
Just enter jokes on the 22nd August I'll announce the winner
And they will have the satisfaction of winning, rather than a prize
And last thing please don't go off the subject like every other room does.
I'll get you started with one of my favourites
This is not an official Gameaday competition
There are no prizes
Just enter jokes on the 22nd August I'll announce the winner
And they will have the satisfaction of winning, rather than a prize
And last thing please don't go off the subject like every other room does.
I'll get you started with one of my favourites
hows that?
by the way, my old name was wezal (thats why most the names are wezal, i posted these a few weeks ago but i thought i would put them in this copetition)
1.
An evil dad walked outside on Christmas Eve and fired a revolver, then went inside and said to his kids that Father Christmas had just committed suicide!
2.
wezal: father will you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem?
Father: gosh haven’t they found that yet-they were looking for it when I was a lad!
3.
Wezal: I haven’t see your dog lately.
bert: no I had to put him down.
Wezal: was he mad?
bert: well he wasn’t exactly pleased!
4.
Whats on the telly jimmy?
‘same as usual-the goldfish bowl and the lamp.’
5.
Judge: I’ve decided to give you a suspended sentence.
wezal: thank you, your honor.
Judge: what for? You’re going to be hanged!
6.
‘mummy does god use our bathroom?’
‘no darling, why do you ask?’
‘well, every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, ‘oh god, are you still in there?’
7.
boss ( of special reserve): how many people work in you shop?
Tony: About half of them!
8.
Doctor: good morning wezal, I haven’t seen you for a long time.
Wezal: I know doctor, I’ve been ill.
9.
‘How long will the next bus be?’
‘about 18 feet!’
10.
‘doctor I keep thinking I’m a goat.’
‘how long have you had this feeling?’
‘ever since I was a kid.’
11.
‘ that’s a dreadful bump on your head wezal how did it happen?’
‘somebody threw tomatos at me.’
‘heavens,how could tomatos cause a bump like that?’
‘they were in a tin!’
12.
teacher: why do we sometimes call the middle ages the dark ages?
Wezal: because they had so many knights.
13.
In a park a man holding a penguin went up to a polieman.
‘I’ve found this penguin,’ he said. ‘What shall I do with him?’
‘you’d better take him to the zoo,’ said the policeman.
The next day the policeman again saw the man with the penguin.
‘I thought I told you to take him to the zoo,’ he said.
‘I did that yesterday,’ said the man. ‘and today I’m taking him to the circus!’
14.
captian: why didn’t you stop the ball?
Goalie: I thouhgt that’s what the net was for.
15.
Thirty days have september, april, june and the speed ofender!
16.
Did you hear about the vegetarion cannibal?
-he only ate swedes.
17.
The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a small man.
‘oh no,’ he groaned. ‘ not snake and pygmy pie again!’
18.
mother: wezal, why is your face red?
Wezal: I was running up the road to stop a fight.
Mother: that’s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Wezal: Me and Jackie Smith.
19.
Last week a man fell into a keg of beer and I came to a bitter end.
20.
Upright citizen: you should pay your taxes with a smile.
Wezal: I’d like to, but they insist on cash.
21.
Harry: have you read a bible?
Wezal: no I’m waiting for the film.
22.
Wezal was asked for a donation to the orphanage… so he them two orphans!
23.
‘come in no. 6- your time is up.’
‘ but we’ve only got 8 boats.’
‘are you in trouble no. 6 ?!’
24.
which panto is about a cat in a chemists shop?
-puss in boots.
25.
Why do cows in switzerland have bells round their necks?
-because their horns don’t work!
26.
Inscribed on the tombstone of a hypochondriac:
‘ I told you I was ill!’
27.
pickpocket wezal: did you have any luck over the weekend?
Pickpocket bert: no. I spent it at a nudist camp.
28.
Wezal: and if I take these little blue pills as you suggested, will I get better?
Doctor: well, put it this way; none of my patients ever come back and ask for more.
29.
Women are the blame of all the lying men do-they insist on asking questions.
30.
Lady on bus: am I all right for the zoo?
Conductor: I should think so, but I’m only a conductor , not a zoologist.
31.
Wezal what would I have to give you for a little kiss?
Jordan: chloroform.
32.
Wezal: my wife converted me to religion?
Bert: how did she do that?
Wezal: I didn’t believe in hell until I married her!
33.
Teacher : can you tell me what a slug is?
Wezal: a snail with a housing problem.
34.
‘but mandy, that’s not our baby!’
‘shut up….it’s a better pram!’
35.
A drunk man raced down after a fire engine, but callapsed exhausted after 100 yards, ‘alright,’ he shouted, ‘keep the rotten ice-cream!’
1.
An evil dad walked outside on Christmas Eve and fired a revolver, then went inside and said to his kids that Father Christmas had just committed suicide!
2.
wezal: father will you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem?
Father: gosh haven’t they found that yet-they were looking for it when I was a lad!
3.
Wezal: I haven’t see your dog lately.
bert: no I had to put him down.
Wezal: was he mad?
bert: well he wasn’t exactly pleased!
4.
Whats on the telly jimmy?
‘same as usual-the goldfish bowl and the lamp.’
5.
Judge: I’ve decided to give you a suspended sentence.
wezal: thank you, your honor.
Judge: what for? You’re going to be hanged!
6.
‘mummy does god use our bathroom?’
‘no darling, why do you ask?’
‘well, every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, ‘oh god, are you still in there?’
7.
boss ( of special reserve): how many people work in you shop?
Tony: About half of them!
8.
Doctor: good morning wezal, I haven’t seen you for a long time.
Wezal: I know doctor, I’ve been ill.
9.
‘How long will the next bus be?’
‘about 18 feet!’
10.
‘doctor I keep thinking I’m a goat.’
‘how long have you had this feeling?’
‘ever since I was a kid.’
11.
‘ that’s a dreadful bump on your head wezal how did it happen?’
‘somebody threw tomatos at me.’
‘heavens,how could tomatos cause a bump like that?’
‘they were in a tin!’
12.
teacher: why do we sometimes call the middle ages the dark ages?
Wezal: because they had so many knights.
13.
In a park a man holding a penguin went up to a polieman.
‘I’ve found this penguin,’ he said. ‘What shall I do with him?’
‘you’d better take him to the zoo,’ said the policeman.
The next day the policeman again saw the man with the penguin.
‘I thought I told you to take him to the zoo,’ he said.
‘I did that yesterday,’ said the man. ‘and today I’m taking him to the circus!’
14.
captian: why didn’t you stop the ball?
Goalie: I thouhgt that’s what the net was for.
15.
Thirty days have september, april, june and the speed ofender!
16.
Did you hear about the vegetarion cannibal?
-he only ate swedes.
17.
The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a small man.
‘oh no,’ he groaned. ‘ not snake and pygmy pie again!’
18.
mother: wezal, why is your face red?
Wezal: I was running up the road to stop a fight.
Mother: that’s a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Wezal: Me and Jackie Smith.
19.
Last week a man fell into a keg of beer and I came to a bitter end.
20.
Upright citizen: you should pay your taxes with a smile.
Wezal: I’d like to, but they insist on cash.
21.
Harry: have you read a bible?
Wezal: no I’m waiting for the film.
22.
Wezal was asked for a donation to the orphanage… so he them two orphans!
23.
‘come in no. 6- your time is up.’
‘ but we’ve only got 8 boats.’
‘are you in trouble no. 6 ?!’
24.
which panto is about a cat in a chemists shop?
-puss in boots.
25.
Why do cows in switzerland have bells round their necks?
-because their horns don’t work!
26.
Inscribed on the tombstone of a hypochondriac:
‘ I told you I was ill!’
27.
pickpocket wezal: did you have any luck over the weekend?
Pickpocket bert: no. I spent it at a nudist camp.
28.
Wezal: and if I take these little blue pills as you suggested, will I get better?
Doctor: well, put it this way; none of my patients ever come back and ask for more.
29.
Women are the blame of all the lying men do-they insist on asking questions.
30.
Lady on bus: am I all right for the zoo?
Conductor: I should think so, but I’m only a conductor , not a zoologist.
31.
Wezal what would I have to give you for a little kiss?
Jordan: chloroform.
32.
Wezal: my wife converted me to religion?
Bert: how did she do that?
Wezal: I didn’t believe in hell until I married her!
33.
Teacher : can you tell me what a slug is?
Wezal: a snail with a housing problem.
34.
‘but mandy, that’s not our baby!’
‘shut up….it’s a better pram!’
35.
A drunk man raced down after a fire engine, but callapsed exhausted after 100 yards, ‘alright,’ he shouted, ‘keep the rotten ice-cream!’
Three guys of no ethnic minority or race are in the jungle, and they are captured by tribesmen. After a night in a deep pit, they are woken at dawn by the leader of the tribe.
"You can either be killed and eaten, or you can take the challenge of the fruits!" At this point the tribesmen cheer loudly.
The three neutrally raced guys talk it over, and decide that though they dont know what the challenge is, they would rather not die. The y accept che challenge.
They are dragged out the pit, and the leader says "Go into forest and collect 100 peices of fruit, and bring them here."
Guy no. 1 is back first carrying 100 grapes. "Now for stage 2 of the challenge" The leader says. "We will put each peice up your backside one by one, and if you make a sound we will eat you, and if not you may go."
So they start feeding grapes up this guys rear, and the guy bursts out laughing. "Why are you laughing!" says the leader of the tribe. "You know we must kill and eat you now"
The guy replies "My mate is collecting pineapples!"
"You can either be killed and eaten, or you can take the challenge of the fruits!" At this point the tribesmen cheer loudly.
The three neutrally raced guys talk it over, and decide that though they dont know what the challenge is, they would rather not die. The y accept che challenge.
They are dragged out the pit, and the leader says "Go into forest and collect 100 peices of fruit, and bring them here."
Guy no. 1 is back first carrying 100 grapes. "Now for stage 2 of the challenge" The leader says. "We will put each peice up your backside one by one, and if you make a sound we will eat you, and if not you may go."
So they start feeding grapes up this guys rear, and the guy bursts out laughing. "Why are you laughing!" says the leader of the tribe. "You know we must kill and eat you now"
The guy replies "My mate is collecting pineapples!"
Did you hear about ...
... the girl who got hit by a train? She was chuffed to bits.
... the guy who drowned in a bowl of museli? He was pulled under by a strong currant.
... the paper cowboy? He was put in jail for rustling.
... the dyslexic drunk? He choked on his own Vimto.
... the girl who got hit by a train? She was chuffed to bits.
... the guy who drowned in a bowl of museli? He was pulled under by a strong currant.
... the paper cowboy? He was put in jail for rustling.
... the dyslexic drunk? He choked on his own Vimto.
shaneo wrote:
> Yo mumma is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satelite dish!!!
You got that idea from The Nutty Proffessor, didn't you?
> Yo mumma is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satelite dish!!!
You got that idea from The Nutty Proffessor, didn't you?
Yo mumma is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satelite dish!!!
This bloke Sam's been working on the stock exchange for 15 years and the stress has finally got to him. So he quits his jjob and buy a cottage in the middle of nowhere, right up in the highland of Scotland.
For six months he doesn't see a sould, until one evening, just as he's finishing his dinner, there's a knock on his front door. He opens it and there, on his door step, is a gigantic, ginger-bearded Scotsman in a kilt.
'Name's Hamish. I'm your neighbour from the other side of the glen. Im having a party on Saturday and I thought you might like to come along'.
'That's very kind of you,' says Sam. 'After six months of this I'm ready to meet some of the locals. Thank you very much'.
'Good,' says Hamish with a smile. 'I better warn you, though, there's gonna be some serious drinking done.'
'No problem,' replies Sam. 'After 15 years in the stock markets I can handle drink with the best of them.'
'More than likely to be a bit of a punch-up at some point as well,' says Hamish.
'Oh, I'm sure I'll be OK,' Says Sam. 'I can look after myself, and besides I tend to get along with most people.'
'One last thing,' says Hamish as he turns to leave, 'I've seen some pretty wild sex at these parties, as well.'
'Well, now you're talking,' says Sam, 'what time should I come over?'
'Oh, whatever time suits you,' says Hamish. 'After all, it's only going to be the two of us.'
For six months he doesn't see a sould, until one evening, just as he's finishing his dinner, there's a knock on his front door. He opens it and there, on his door step, is a gigantic, ginger-bearded Scotsman in a kilt.
'Name's Hamish. I'm your neighbour from the other side of the glen. Im having a party on Saturday and I thought you might like to come along'.
'That's very kind of you,' says Sam. 'After six months of this I'm ready to meet some of the locals. Thank you very much'.
'Good,' says Hamish with a smile. 'I better warn you, though, there's gonna be some serious drinking done.'
'No problem,' replies Sam. 'After 15 years in the stock markets I can handle drink with the best of them.'
'More than likely to be a bit of a punch-up at some point as well,' says Hamish.
'Oh, I'm sure I'll be OK,' Says Sam. 'I can look after myself, and besides I tend to get along with most people.'
'One last thing,' says Hamish as he turns to leave, 'I've seen some pretty wild sex at these parties, as well.'
'Well, now you're talking,' says Sam, 'what time should I come over?'
'Oh, whatever time suits you,' says Hamish. 'After all, it's only going to be the two of us.'
Before you all start I want to make sure you all understand.
This is not an official Gameaday competition
There are no prizes
Just enter jokes on the 22nd August I'll announce the winner
And they will have the satisfaction of winning, rather than a prize
And last thing please don't go off the subject like every other room does.
I'll get you started with one of my favourites
This is not an official Gameaday competition
There are no prizes
Just enter jokes on the 22nd August I'll announce the winner
And they will have the satisfaction of winning, rather than a prize
And last thing please don't go off the subject like every other room does.
I'll get you started with one of my favourites