The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
God had spent a week creating the world. He'd made plenty of useless crap like trigonometry but it had only occurred to him to make one human. Real clever that, considering humans need to have sex to reproduce because humans aren’t asexual. Adam knew this all too well; he’d spent hours trying to prove otherwise.
A few years later, well after Adam had broken both of his wrists, God realised he had made a mistake and decided to create a woman. As a punishment for Adam who had started his own patch of magic mushrooms in one corner of the garden, God used one of Adam’s ribs to make his partner. God hadn’t used any anaesthetic and so this was quite painful, causing Adam to produce a whole string of swear words. Understandably, this angered God and so he threatened to make another man for Adam to spend time with. Of course, Adam quickly apologised, getting down on his knees to pray, but then quickly stood up as he realised that getting down on his knees wasn’t the best thing to do when there could be another guy on the loose at any moment.
God is forgiving and so Eve was created and sent down from the heavens. Adam was very happy as Eve could clearly see as his fig leaf shot off from down below. They quickly got down to business and they continued being busy for a rather long time. They only stopped when a snake appeared.
“Ahem,” said the snake.
“How long have you been watching?” screamed Eve.
“OH MY GOD!” said Adam, “A TALKING SNAKE!”
“Now, now,” said the snake calmly, “Do not blaspheme. And you young Eve, do not worry for I have not been here long. I ask only if you would eat the fruits of this here tree that I did grow myself. It would mean so much to me.”
“But God said we shouldn’t eat off that tree,” said Adam.
“You big puff,” said Eve. “I’ll have some.”
Eve ate one of the apples. Adam not wanting to look like a big ponce after less than a day with his new woman decided that he too would eat an apple. He began to eat but then a piece got lodged in his throat. He began to choke and fell to the floor whilst violently flailing.
“Adam,” boomed the voice of God. “Thou hast gone against mine word. Thou shalt leave thy garden and spend the rest of your life in pain and misery.”
Adam continued to choke.
“For my sake,” said God, and then, using his mega magic skills, he dislodged the apple from Adam’s throat and let put the offending piece back in Adam’s hand. “There,” continued God, “You may as well keep that. It will be hard for you to find more food in the outside world.”
The large gates in front of the Garden of Eden opened and God’s guiding led (well, pushed) Adam and Eve out of the garden and then to the opening of a woodland area. “I shall guide you to the centre of this forest and there you shall remain,” said God.
Adam and Eve followed God’s hand into the woods. Adam was about to eat the remainder of his apple when Eve whispered to him.
“No, you pranet,” she said. “Drop little pieces as we go to create a trail, then we’ll be able to find our way out”
“Ooooo, clever,” said Adam, and so he did as she said, dropping little chunks of apple as they went.
Eventually they stopped. “This is where you shall stay,” said God, “And you will stay here because I’m taking your apple trail with me. I’m God, did you really think I wouldn’t notice.” And with that, he left.
“What now?” asked Adam.
“I suppose we should search for a way out,” said Eve.
They spent a while searching for an exit to the woods but they had no luck. After a few hours they did find a small hut.
“Shall we knock on the door?” said Adam.
“Well, duh,” said Eve. “*Sigh* I’ll do it myself.”
Eve walked up to the door and knocked. There was no answer so she knocked again. This time footsteps could be heard, slowly making their way towards the door. The door opened slightly.
“Ermm, hello,” said Eve. “We’re looking for a place to stay for the night and we were wondering if you could help us.”
The door opened more widely. Before them, Adam and Eve saw a man dressed as a pirate.
“Arghh,” said the lunatic, “ye want to stay ‘ere do ye? Well, I does like me a bit o’ the ole nudity so if ye stay as ye are then ye has a deal, arghh.”
“You dirty perv,” said Eve.
“Oh no darlin’, I was not really thinking of ye, I likes a strong man I does.”
Adam froze with terror.
“Oh, are all pirates gay?” enquired Eve.
“Aye, that we be,” replied the pirate man.
“Any particular reason? Is it because you spend the majority of your time at sea, alone with other men?”
“Not really,” said the crazy guy, “It’s just because we arghhh.”
Adam and Eve looked at each other and sighed.
“Well, does ye want to come in then?” asked pirate dude.
“I suppose so,” said Eve.
They followed the pirate, who was apparently called Sid, into the house and sat at his table. Sid gave them lots of food and gave clothes to Eve. He left Adam in all his naked glory.
Adam and Eve spent a few weeks at Sid’s house. Eve was left to become fat off all of the food and she soon died because of it. Adam, on the other hand, was forced to keep fit in Sid’s gym. He soon became an extremely healthy specimen; just the way Sid liked them. Unfortunately, Sid hadn’t considered the fact that Adam could now be too healthy. Now, it was impossible for Sid to keep Adam imprisoned. Adam was strong and fast and easily made his escape from the hut. Adam ran, and ran, and ran. He used his new skills to swing through the woods but he still could not find the exit. Hours turned into days, which turned into weeks. Adam began to lose his energy and all of the muscle that he’d built up over his time at Sid’s. Adam was about to kill himself when eventually there was hope for him.
Adam had heard movement and singing nearby. Adam thought that if there were a party then he’d surely be able to get some food. This was brilliant. He made his way to the clearing where the noise had been coming from but then stood still with horror. He began to turn back to try and run away but before he could make just one step he was caught and savagely ripped to pieces.
Unfortunately, Adam went down to the woods that day and had a big surprise. Adam went down to the woods that day and didn’t go in disguise. And every bear there ever was, had gathered there for sure because that was the day the grizzly bears have their picnic.
A few years later, well after Adam had broken both of his wrists, God realised he had made a mistake and decided to create a woman. As a punishment for Adam who had started his own patch of magic mushrooms in one corner of the garden, God used one of Adam’s ribs to make his partner. God hadn’t used any anaesthetic and so this was quite painful, causing Adam to produce a whole string of swear words. Understandably, this angered God and so he threatened to make another man for Adam to spend time with. Of course, Adam quickly apologised, getting down on his knees to pray, but then quickly stood up as he realised that getting down on his knees wasn’t the best thing to do when there could be another guy on the loose at any moment.
God is forgiving and so Eve was created and sent down from the heavens. Adam was very happy as Eve could clearly see as his fig leaf shot off from down below. They quickly got down to business and they continued being busy for a rather long time. They only stopped when a snake appeared.
“Ahem,” said the snake.
“How long have you been watching?” screamed Eve.
“OH MY GOD!” said Adam, “A TALKING SNAKE!”
“Now, now,” said the snake calmly, “Do not blaspheme. And you young Eve, do not worry for I have not been here long. I ask only if you would eat the fruits of this here tree that I did grow myself. It would mean so much to me.”
“But God said we shouldn’t eat off that tree,” said Adam.
“You big puff,” said Eve. “I’ll have some.”
Eve ate one of the apples. Adam not wanting to look like a big ponce after less than a day with his new woman decided that he too would eat an apple. He began to eat but then a piece got lodged in his throat. He began to choke and fell to the floor whilst violently flailing.
“Adam,” boomed the voice of God. “Thou hast gone against mine word. Thou shalt leave thy garden and spend the rest of your life in pain and misery.”
Adam continued to choke.
“For my sake,” said God, and then, using his mega magic skills, he dislodged the apple from Adam’s throat and let put the offending piece back in Adam’s hand. “There,” continued God, “You may as well keep that. It will be hard for you to find more food in the outside world.”
The large gates in front of the Garden of Eden opened and God’s guiding led (well, pushed) Adam and Eve out of the garden and then to the opening of a woodland area. “I shall guide you to the centre of this forest and there you shall remain,” said God.
Adam and Eve followed God’s hand into the woods. Adam was about to eat the remainder of his apple when Eve whispered to him.
“No, you pranet,” she said. “Drop little pieces as we go to create a trail, then we’ll be able to find our way out”
“Ooooo, clever,” said Adam, and so he did as she said, dropping little chunks of apple as they went.
Eventually they stopped. “This is where you shall stay,” said God, “And you will stay here because I’m taking your apple trail with me. I’m God, did you really think I wouldn’t notice.” And with that, he left.
“What now?” asked Adam.
“I suppose we should search for a way out,” said Eve.
They spent a while searching for an exit to the woods but they had no luck. After a few hours they did find a small hut.
“Shall we knock on the door?” said Adam.
“Well, duh,” said Eve. “*Sigh* I’ll do it myself.”
Eve walked up to the door and knocked. There was no answer so she knocked again. This time footsteps could be heard, slowly making their way towards the door. The door opened slightly.
“Ermm, hello,” said Eve. “We’re looking for a place to stay for the night and we were wondering if you could help us.”
The door opened more widely. Before them, Adam and Eve saw a man dressed as a pirate.
“Arghh,” said the lunatic, “ye want to stay ‘ere do ye? Well, I does like me a bit o’ the ole nudity so if ye stay as ye are then ye has a deal, arghh.”
“You dirty perv,” said Eve.
“Oh no darlin’, I was not really thinking of ye, I likes a strong man I does.”
Adam froze with terror.
“Oh, are all pirates gay?” enquired Eve.
“Aye, that we be,” replied the pirate man.
“Any particular reason? Is it because you spend the majority of your time at sea, alone with other men?”
“Not really,” said the crazy guy, “It’s just because we arghhh.”
Adam and Eve looked at each other and sighed.
“Well, does ye want to come in then?” asked pirate dude.
“I suppose so,” said Eve.
They followed the pirate, who was apparently called Sid, into the house and sat at his table. Sid gave them lots of food and gave clothes to Eve. He left Adam in all his naked glory.
Adam and Eve spent a few weeks at Sid’s house. Eve was left to become fat off all of the food and she soon died because of it. Adam, on the other hand, was forced to keep fit in Sid’s gym. He soon became an extremely healthy specimen; just the way Sid liked them. Unfortunately, Sid hadn’t considered the fact that Adam could now be too healthy. Now, it was impossible for Sid to keep Adam imprisoned. Adam was strong and fast and easily made his escape from the hut. Adam ran, and ran, and ran. He used his new skills to swing through the woods but he still could not find the exit. Hours turned into days, which turned into weeks. Adam began to lose his energy and all of the muscle that he’d built up over his time at Sid’s. Adam was about to kill himself when eventually there was hope for him.
Adam had heard movement and singing nearby. Adam thought that if there were a party then he’d surely be able to get some food. This was brilliant. He made his way to the clearing where the noise had been coming from but then stood still with horror. He began to turn back to try and run away but before he could make just one step he was caught and savagely ripped to pieces.
Unfortunately, Adam went down to the woods that day and had a big surprise. Adam went down to the woods that day and didn’t go in disguise. And every bear there ever was, had gathered there for sure because that was the day the grizzly bears have their picnic.
Page:
Can't argue with that.
crossbob liked the ending, therefore it rules.
Yes, funny in places - especially the "because we arghhh". But the ending... kind of fell down like a house of straw huffed'n'puffed on by a big bad wolf.
Great and excellent ending.
Strafio wrote:
> Well, I enjoyed it anyway. :-)
And that's all that matters.
> Well, I enjoyed it anyway. :-)
And that's all that matters.
...??
Well, I enjoyed it anyway. :-)
Well, I enjoyed it anyway. :-)
Prophet wrote:
> Unsure about the ending, though.
So, gay pirates good, bears bad?
> Unsure about the ending, though.
So, gay pirates good, bears bad?
*conducts séance*
Not really my type of thing, but it was a good read. Unsure about the ending, though.
Not really my type of thing, but it was a good read. Unsure about the ending, though.
Haha! I liked it!
*also commits suicide for fun*
*also commits suicide for fun*
Fine, don't read my story then. I don't care.
*commits suicide*
*commits suicide*
Page: