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Previously (back in SSC26), I told you all the story of The Last Supper. Near the end, it was stated that Jesus was taken to a tomb was resurrected and then appeared to his disciples. This is neither entirely accurate and nor is it very descriptive. Now, I shall tell you how Jesus did the impossible and came back to life, and then was rescued from his resting place.
----------
The tomb was pretty shoddy considering Jesus was the Son of God. Jesus had been laid down on a table made of solid rock and the walls were decorated with various shades of grey. There were no windows, only a small crack in the roof let any light in but there was a small torch (that’s a wooden torch with fire, not an electrical one, obviously), which provided some extra heat as well as a bit of warmth. Jesus appreciated the warmth from the torch because the tomb was quite chilly and Jesus had forgotten to bring his coat.
“*Gasp!* But why would a dead man need warmth?” I hear you cry. Well, Jesus was never actually dead at all. Yes, he was a sly old dog. He’d pretended to be dead so Pontius Pilate would take him off the cross and let him have a lie down. All very simple really, back then it was easy to get away with such acts of cunning because nobody understood how the human body worked, and not even a heart beat would give you away because people thought that God was real and he controlled the human body, deciding who lived and who died. Religion, eh?
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Jesus. Right, well, Jesus woke up not feeling too good. His back was pain from his bottom of the range bed, and his hands and feet didn’t feel great because they’d recently had nails through them. Jesus looked at his surroundings and didn’t like them one bit. It was too dull and worst of all too quiet. Jesus was used to spending his time with twelve other hunky… I mean holy men.
Jesus could just make out the entrance to his tomb, which had a huge boulder in front of it. He tried to push it away but it was no use. Moving something that size would require fifty men or one big black man from a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. Unfortunately, Jesus did not know of a man that fitted that description. This meant that our Lord was in a spot of bother. How could he possibly get out? And then, in a moment of inspirational genius, it came to him. He’d just ask Daddy to help him out. Bloody spoilt brat.
“Daaaaad,” whined Jesus. “Daaaaad.”
“What? Oh it’s you,” came the voice from ‘upstairs’. “I thought you were dead?”
“No, I was just faking it.”
“For the TV show? Ba-dum-tch.”
“Shut up. You’re not funny you senile old git. Now, I need a favour. I’m sort of stuck in here and I need you to move that massive boulder for me.”
“Ahahahaha,” came the reply. “Have you seen the size of that thing, it’s bloody huge. I can’t move that, I mean what do you think I am, a miracle worker?” And the thing is, God wasn’t joking when he said that. He’d really forgotten that he created the universe and all that cal, so Jesus’ comment about him being a senile old git was actually fairly accurate.
“Just forget about,” said Jesus.
“Forget about what?” said God.
Jesus sighed. “Just go back to sleep.” And God did. Jesus did still love his Dad despite old age kicking in (it had been a few years since he created the Earth and what have you) but Jesus worried that his senile madness would cause problems in the future. Perhaps his Dad would cause earthquakes, tsunamis, and various other disasters. It wasn’t worth thinking about.
Jesus sat down and pondered. He pondered hard. Then a brilliant idea popped into his head. He picked up the torch went over to the crack in the roof, and using his hands to make the silhouette of a bat, he created his own makeshift bat signal. Within a split second, Jesus heard the Batman theme tune. The sound filled Jesus with joy and as he heard the batmobile park outside his tomb he leapt off his bad and went over to the boulder where he heard Batman and Robin talking.
“Holy Holy tomb, Batman!” cried Robin.
“Yes (huge pause), it is indeed (huge pause) Robin,” replied Batman.
“I don’t know how we’re going to save Jesus from this terrible predicament!” said Robin. And the a loud booming voice appeared from nowhere and said:
“Will the caped crusader and the boy wonder be able to save the Son of God in time? How will they move the boulder? Will Robin get a better costume? Find out in next week’s exciting episode of…. BATMAN!”
“What?!” screeched an angry Jesus. All Jesus could hear was the batmobile driving away and then silence. Needless to say, Jesus could not survive another week without food and so he died.
When Batman and Robin did return, Batman got his ‘Tool for removing big boulders from Holy tombs’ out of his utility belt and the crime-fighting duo entered the tomb. The thought crossed Batman’s mind that it would make a great back-up batcave but he decided against that when he saw Jesus’ rotting corpse.
“Holy deadness, Batman!” cried Robin.
Batman was silent, thinking what to do. This could ruin his reputation. Then he looked at Robin (not like that you dirty minded fiends), pounced on him (not like that you dirty minded fiends), stripped him naked (not like that you dirty minded fiends), and dressed him up in Jesus’ clothes, shaved Jesus’ beard off and them glued it to Robin’s face.
“Ta-da!” said a proud Batman.
“Holy oh-no,” said Robin.
----------
The tomb was pretty shoddy considering Jesus was the Son of God. Jesus had been laid down on a table made of solid rock and the walls were decorated with various shades of grey. There were no windows, only a small crack in the roof let any light in but there was a small torch (that’s a wooden torch with fire, not an electrical one, obviously), which provided some extra heat as well as a bit of warmth. Jesus appreciated the warmth from the torch because the tomb was quite chilly and Jesus had forgotten to bring his coat.
“*Gasp!* But why would a dead man need warmth?” I hear you cry. Well, Jesus was never actually dead at all. Yes, he was a sly old dog. He’d pretended to be dead so Pontius Pilate would take him off the cross and let him have a lie down. All very simple really, back then it was easy to get away with such acts of cunning because nobody understood how the human body worked, and not even a heart beat would give you away because people thought that God was real and he controlled the human body, deciding who lived and who died. Religion, eh?
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Jesus. Right, well, Jesus woke up not feeling too good. His back was pain from his bottom of the range bed, and his hands and feet didn’t feel great because they’d recently had nails through them. Jesus looked at his surroundings and didn’t like them one bit. It was too dull and worst of all too quiet. Jesus was used to spending his time with twelve other hunky… I mean holy men.
Jesus could just make out the entrance to his tomb, which had a huge boulder in front of it. He tried to push it away but it was no use. Moving something that size would require fifty men or one big black man from a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. Unfortunately, Jesus did not know of a man that fitted that description. This meant that our Lord was in a spot of bother. How could he possibly get out? And then, in a moment of inspirational genius, it came to him. He’d just ask Daddy to help him out. Bloody spoilt brat.
“Daaaaad,” whined Jesus. “Daaaaad.”
“What? Oh it’s you,” came the voice from ‘upstairs’. “I thought you were dead?”
“No, I was just faking it.”
“For the TV show? Ba-dum-tch.”
“Shut up. You’re not funny you senile old git. Now, I need a favour. I’m sort of stuck in here and I need you to move that massive boulder for me.”
“Ahahahaha,” came the reply. “Have you seen the size of that thing, it’s bloody huge. I can’t move that, I mean what do you think I am, a miracle worker?” And the thing is, God wasn’t joking when he said that. He’d really forgotten that he created the universe and all that cal, so Jesus’ comment about him being a senile old git was actually fairly accurate.
“Just forget about,” said Jesus.
“Forget about what?” said God.
Jesus sighed. “Just go back to sleep.” And God did. Jesus did still love his Dad despite old age kicking in (it had been a few years since he created the Earth and what have you) but Jesus worried that his senile madness would cause problems in the future. Perhaps his Dad would cause earthquakes, tsunamis, and various other disasters. It wasn’t worth thinking about.
Jesus sat down and pondered. He pondered hard. Then a brilliant idea popped into his head. He picked up the torch went over to the crack in the roof, and using his hands to make the silhouette of a bat, he created his own makeshift bat signal. Within a split second, Jesus heard the Batman theme tune. The sound filled Jesus with joy and as he heard the batmobile park outside his tomb he leapt off his bad and went over to the boulder where he heard Batman and Robin talking.
“Holy Holy tomb, Batman!” cried Robin.
“Yes (huge pause), it is indeed (huge pause) Robin,” replied Batman.
“I don’t know how we’re going to save Jesus from this terrible predicament!” said Robin. And the a loud booming voice appeared from nowhere and said:
“Will the caped crusader and the boy wonder be able to save the Son of God in time? How will they move the boulder? Will Robin get a better costume? Find out in next week’s exciting episode of…. BATMAN!”
“What?!” screeched an angry Jesus. All Jesus could hear was the batmobile driving away and then silence. Needless to say, Jesus could not survive another week without food and so he died.
When Batman and Robin did return, Batman got his ‘Tool for removing big boulders from Holy tombs’ out of his utility belt and the crime-fighting duo entered the tomb. The thought crossed Batman’s mind that it would make a great back-up batcave but he decided against that when he saw Jesus’ rotting corpse.
“Holy deadness, Batman!” cried Robin.
Batman was silent, thinking what to do. This could ruin his reputation. Then he looked at Robin (not like that you dirty minded fiends), pounced on him (not like that you dirty minded fiends), stripped him naked (not like that you dirty minded fiends), and dressed him up in Jesus’ clothes, shaved Jesus’ beard off and them glued it to Robin’s face.
“Ta-da!” said a proud Batman.
“Holy oh-no,” said Robin.
Page:
Previously (back in SSC26), I told you all the story of The Last Supper. Near the end, it was stated that Jesus was taken to a tomb was resurrected and then appeared to his disciples. This is neither entirely accurate and nor is it very descriptive. Now, I shall tell you how Jesus did the impossible and came back to life, and then was rescued from his resting place.
----------
The tomb was pretty shoddy considering Jesus was the Son of God. Jesus had been laid down on a table made of solid rock and the walls were decorated with various shades of grey. There were no windows, only a small crack in the roof let any light in but there was a small torch (that’s a wooden torch with fire, not an electrical one, obviously), which provided some extra heat as well as a bit of warmth. Jesus appreciated the warmth from the torch because the tomb was quite chilly and Jesus had forgotten to bring his coat.
“*Gasp!* But why would a dead man need warmth?” I hear you cry. Well, Jesus was never actually dead at all. Yes, he was a sly old dog. He’d pretended to be dead so Pontius Pilate would take him off the cross and let him have a lie down. All very simple really, back then it was easy to get away with such acts of cunning because nobody understood how the human body worked, and not even a heart beat would give you away because people thought that God was real and he controlled the human body, deciding who lived and who died. Religion, eh?
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Jesus. Right, well, Jesus woke up not feeling too good. His back was pain from his bottom of the range bed, and his hands and feet didn’t feel great because they’d recently had nails through them. Jesus looked at his surroundings and didn’t like them one bit. It was too dull and worst of all too quiet. Jesus was used to spending his time with twelve other hunky… I mean holy men.
Jesus could just make out the entrance to his tomb, which had a huge boulder in front of it. He tried to push it away but it was no use. Moving something that size would require fifty men or one big black man from a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. Unfortunately, Jesus did not know of a man that fitted that description. This meant that our Lord was in a spot of bother. How could he possibly get out? And then, in a moment of inspirational genius, it came to him. He’d just ask Daddy to help him out. Bloody spoilt brat.
“Daaaaad,” whined Jesus. “Daaaaad.”
“What? Oh it’s you,” came the voice from ‘upstairs’. “I thought you were dead?”
“No, I was just faking it.”
“For the TV show? Ba-dum-tch.”
“Shut up. You’re not funny you senile old git. Now, I need a favour. I’m sort of stuck in here and I need you to move that massive boulder for me.”
“Ahahahaha,” came the reply. “Have you seen the size of that thing, it’s bloody huge. I can’t move that, I mean what do you think I am, a miracle worker?” And the thing is, God wasn’t joking when he said that. He’d really forgotten that he created the universe and all that cal, so Jesus’ comment about him being a senile old git was actually fairly accurate.
“Just forget about,” said Jesus.
“Forget about what?” said God.
Jesus sighed. “Just go back to sleep.” And God did. Jesus did still love his Dad despite old age kicking in (it had been a few years since he created the Earth and what have you) but Jesus worried that his senile madness would cause problems in the future. Perhaps his Dad would cause earthquakes, tsunamis, and various other disasters. It wasn’t worth thinking about.
Jesus sat down and pondered. He pondered hard. Then a brilliant idea popped into his head. He picked up the torch went over to the crack in the roof, and using his hands to make the silhouette of a bat, he created his own makeshift bat signal. Within a split second, Jesus heard the Batman theme tune. The sound filled Jesus with joy and as he heard the batmobile park outside his tomb he leapt off his bad and went over to the boulder where he heard Batman and Robin talking.
“Holy Holy tomb, Batman!” cried Robin.
“Yes (huge pause), it is indeed (huge pause) Robin,” replied Batman.
“I don’t know how we’re going to save Jesus from this terrible predicament!” said Robin. And the a loud booming voice appeared from nowhere and said:
“Will the caped crusader and the boy wonder be able to save the Son of God in time? How will they move the boulder? Will Robin get a better costume? Find out in next week’s exciting episode of…. BATMAN!”
“What?!” screeched an angry Jesus. All Jesus could hear was the batmobile driving away and then silence. Needless to say, Jesus could not survive another week without food and so he died.
When Batman and Robin did return, Batman got his ‘Tool for removing big boulders from Holy tombs’ out of his utility belt and the crime-fighting duo entered the tomb. The thought crossed Batman’s mind that it would make a great back-up batcave but he decided against that when he saw Jesus’ rotting corpse.
“Holy deadness, Batman!” cried Robin.
Batman was silent, thinking what to do. This could ruin his reputation. Then he looked at Robin (not like that you dirty minded fiends), pounced on him (not like that you dirty minded fiends), stripped him naked (not like that you dirty minded fiends), and dressed him up in Jesus’ clothes, shaved Jesus’ beard off and them glued it to Robin’s face.
“Ta-da!” said a proud Batman.
“Holy oh-no,” said Robin.
----------
The tomb was pretty shoddy considering Jesus was the Son of God. Jesus had been laid down on a table made of solid rock and the walls were decorated with various shades of grey. There were no windows, only a small crack in the roof let any light in but there was a small torch (that’s a wooden torch with fire, not an electrical one, obviously), which provided some extra heat as well as a bit of warmth. Jesus appreciated the warmth from the torch because the tomb was quite chilly and Jesus had forgotten to bring his coat.
“*Gasp!* But why would a dead man need warmth?” I hear you cry. Well, Jesus was never actually dead at all. Yes, he was a sly old dog. He’d pretended to be dead so Pontius Pilate would take him off the cross and let him have a lie down. All very simple really, back then it was easy to get away with such acts of cunning because nobody understood how the human body worked, and not even a heart beat would give you away because people thought that God was real and he controlled the human body, deciding who lived and who died. Religion, eh?
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Jesus. Right, well, Jesus woke up not feeling too good. His back was pain from his bottom of the range bed, and his hands and feet didn’t feel great because they’d recently had nails through them. Jesus looked at his surroundings and didn’t like them one bit. It was too dull and worst of all too quiet. Jesus was used to spending his time with twelve other hunky… I mean holy men.
Jesus could just make out the entrance to his tomb, which had a huge boulder in front of it. He tried to push it away but it was no use. Moving something that size would require fifty men or one big black man from a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. Unfortunately, Jesus did not know of a man that fitted that description. This meant that our Lord was in a spot of bother. How could he possibly get out? And then, in a moment of inspirational genius, it came to him. He’d just ask Daddy to help him out. Bloody spoilt brat.
“Daaaaad,” whined Jesus. “Daaaaad.”
“What? Oh it’s you,” came the voice from ‘upstairs’. “I thought you were dead?”
“No, I was just faking it.”
“For the TV show? Ba-dum-tch.”
“Shut up. You’re not funny you senile old git. Now, I need a favour. I’m sort of stuck in here and I need you to move that massive boulder for me.”
“Ahahahaha,” came the reply. “Have you seen the size of that thing, it’s bloody huge. I can’t move that, I mean what do you think I am, a miracle worker?” And the thing is, God wasn’t joking when he said that. He’d really forgotten that he created the universe and all that cal, so Jesus’ comment about him being a senile old git was actually fairly accurate.
“Just forget about,” said Jesus.
“Forget about what?” said God.
Jesus sighed. “Just go back to sleep.” And God did. Jesus did still love his Dad despite old age kicking in (it had been a few years since he created the Earth and what have you) but Jesus worried that his senile madness would cause problems in the future. Perhaps his Dad would cause earthquakes, tsunamis, and various other disasters. It wasn’t worth thinking about.
Jesus sat down and pondered. He pondered hard. Then a brilliant idea popped into his head. He picked up the torch went over to the crack in the roof, and using his hands to make the silhouette of a bat, he created his own makeshift bat signal. Within a split second, Jesus heard the Batman theme tune. The sound filled Jesus with joy and as he heard the batmobile park outside his tomb he leapt off his bad and went over to the boulder where he heard Batman and Robin talking.
“Holy Holy tomb, Batman!” cried Robin.
“Yes (huge pause), it is indeed (huge pause) Robin,” replied Batman.
“I don’t know how we’re going to save Jesus from this terrible predicament!” said Robin. And the a loud booming voice appeared from nowhere and said:
“Will the caped crusader and the boy wonder be able to save the Son of God in time? How will they move the boulder? Will Robin get a better costume? Find out in next week’s exciting episode of…. BATMAN!”
“What?!” screeched an angry Jesus. All Jesus could hear was the batmobile driving away and then silence. Needless to say, Jesus could not survive another week without food and so he died.
When Batman and Robin did return, Batman got his ‘Tool for removing big boulders from Holy tombs’ out of his utility belt and the crime-fighting duo entered the tomb. The thought crossed Batman’s mind that it would make a great back-up batcave but he decided against that when he saw Jesus’ rotting corpse.
“Holy deadness, Batman!” cried Robin.
Batman was silent, thinking what to do. This could ruin his reputation. Then he looked at Robin (not like that you dirty minded fiends), pounced on him (not like that you dirty minded fiends), stripped him naked (not like that you dirty minded fiends), and dressed him up in Jesus’ clothes, shaved Jesus’ beard off and them glued it to Robin’s face.
“Ta-da!” said a proud Batman.
“Holy oh-no,” said Robin.
Great I loved it. Best one I have read so far.
Is it the only one you've read by any chance?
Great!
You are going to burn in hell.....with staffies poking you with the devils staffs.
Nah, Jusus knows I'm just messing with him.
JFH wrote:
> Is it the only one you've read by any chance?
No I'm reading everyone from SSC34 read all the other's so far.
> Is it the only one you've read by any chance?
No I'm reading everyone from SSC34 read all the other's so far.
That was one huge "heh".
Good stuff although I didn't like the ending. The way you described why natural disasters and such happen was genius though.
Good stuff although I didn't like the ending. The way you described why natural disasters and such happen was genius though.
Some of the jokey stuff passed me by, but then I found the same with Napolean Dynamite.
Other than that, it's an interesting look at a famous religious event...
Other than that, it's an interesting look at a famous religious event...
Oriental Rib wrote:
> Good stuff although I didn't like the ending.
I was a bit stuck with what to do with the ending as the main finale comes in my story from ssc26. There's also the problem of me doing no planning and making it all up as I go along, which isn't really very wise.
> Good stuff although I didn't like the ending.
I was a bit stuck with what to do with the ending as the main finale comes in my story from ssc26. There's also the problem of me doing no planning and making it all up as I go along, which isn't really very wise.
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