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"SSC 34: The House"

I stared at the big house,
It was huge. I was just going for a walk and came across one of the biggest houses I'd ever seen. I stood their, my mouth wide open. The front door was open.
Should I take a risk?
Should I have a little look?
It was very tempting but I knew it would be bad. But just looking at the house made me wanna run in and relax. I looked around me, nobody was watching.
Maybe just one little look and I'll run out?
I start to move forwards bit by bit...
Soon I was right near the doors but then I stopped.
I was about to go back but my feet seemed to have grown its own mind and walk in.
I was in.
I looked around me.
Everything looked neat and colourful. I go forwards, passing a lot of doors, until I find a room with a Fireplace, a phone and a little chair. I go to the chair and sit on it.
Suddenly I realized.
I shouldn't be here.
This isn't my house.
Why did I even think of coming here!
The phone started ringing. I jumped and started at it. It was ringing loudly and I was desperate for it to go away.
Maybe I should answer it?
My trembling hand reached for the telephone. I grab it and put it next to my ear.
"Hello?" I said.
I couldn't here anything but heavy breathing. Really creepy heavy breathing.
"Hello?" I say again.
More breathing, then:
"You've broken into this beautiful house
It's so quite there's even no mouse
I know what your name is, it's Jeff
You've broken it, so prepare for your death!"
I was frozen, my eyes wide open. The man started speaking again,
"If you want to survive look for the clues. Here's your first one, this one is easy. Find it and you'll the next clue. Your clue is:
What is Black and White and Red all over? Find a heap of them!"
CLICK!
I was still frozen. I knew the answer, it was obvious. Newspaper. He said to find a heap of them. Them was Newspaper. I go up, very slowly, and started searching.
I searched everything. I went upstairs and started looking in a wide room filled with nothing but a cupboard. I looked in and nothing was inside.
I was shaking.
My whole body was trembling.
I looked in each room until I found one with a heap of newspaper. I rushed to it and started rummaging through it. What I found was shocking. It was a mobile phone with a some numbers typed on it.
They were 4573.
I picked it up and dialed 999.
"Jeff!"
I jumped.
"Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff," It was the man, "Didn't you have the bloody common sense to dial what was on the phone. Well here's your punishment. Who do you love most? Your Mum your Dad."
I shut my eyes tight.
I was so scared.
"Answer me." The man said.
"I..."
"Yes...?"
"M-my M-Mum." I managed to spit out the words.
There was a brief silence. I heard a man scream. It sounded like my Dad!
"It was your choice." The man said. "You didn't do what I wanted. So your Mum dies."
I scream.
"That's right!" The man shouted. "Now if you're not careful I'll rip your Dad's limb apart bit by bit!"
I scream again. I start running to where the front door to realize that there were three people blocking it. One was a man holding a phone. The other was my Dad. And the other was hanging form a coat hanger who was my Mum.
I scream.
I'm still screaming.
Still.
I couldn't stop.
Still screaming.
My Dad kicked the door open. "RUN!"
I try to run but the man threw a knife at me. I fell to the ground crying and screaming. I hear police sirens.
I hear gunshots and see the man falling to his death. The police has rescued me and my Dad.
But I had a feeling my life was ending.
Everything went white. I hear the faint sobs of my Dad.
I was dead.

I stared at the big house,
It was huge. I was just going for a walk and came across one of the biggest houses I'd ever seen. I stood their, my mouth wide open. The front door was open.
Should I take a risk?
Should I have a little look?
It was very tempting but I knew it would be bad. But just looking at the house made me wanna run in and relax. I looked around me, nobody was watching.
Maybe just one little look and I'll run out?
I start to move forwards bit by bit...
Soon I was right near the doors but then I stopped.
I was about to go back but my feet seemed to have grown its own mind and walk in.
I was in.
I looked around me.
Everything looked neat and colourful. I go forwards, passing a lot of doors, until I find a room with a Fireplace, a phone and a little chair. I go to the chair and sit on it.
Suddenly I realized.
I shouldn't be here.
This isn't my house.
Why did I even think of coming here!
The phone started ringing. I jumped and started at it. It was ringing loudly and I was desperate for it to go away.
Maybe I should answer it?
My trembling hand reached for the telephone. I grab it and put it next to my ear.
"Hello?" I said.
I couldn't here anything but heavy breathing. Really creepy heavy breathing.
"Hello?" I say again.
More breathing, then:
"You've broken into this beautiful house
It's so quite there's even no mouse
I know what your name is, it's Jeff
You've broken it, so prepare for your death!"
I was frozen, my eyes wide open. The man started speaking again,
"If you want to survive look for the clues. Here's your first one, this one is easy. Find it and you'll the next clue. Your clue is:
What is Black and White and Red all over? Find a heap of them!"
CLICK!
I was still frozen. I knew the answer, it was obvious. Newspaper. He said to find a heap of them. Them was Newspaper. I go up, very slowly, and started searching.
I searched everything. I went upstairs and started looking in a wide room filled with nothing but a cupboard. I looked in and nothing was inside.
I was shaking.
My whole body was trembling.
I looked in each room until I found one with a heap of newspaper. I rushed to it and started rummaging through it. What I found was shocking. It was a mobile phone with a some numbers typed on it.
They were 4573.
I picked it up and dialed 999.
"Jeff!"
I jumped.
"Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff," It was the man, "Didn't you have the bloody common sense to dial what was on the phone. Well here's your punishment. Who do you love most? Your Mum your Dad."
I shut my eyes tight.
I was so scared.
"Answer me." The man said.
"I..."
"Yes...?"
"M-my M-Mum." I managed to spit out the words.
There was a brief silence. I heard a man scream. It sounded like my Dad!
"It was your choice." The man said. "You didn't do what I wanted. So your Mum dies."
I scream.
"That's right!" The man shouted. "Now if you're not careful I'll rip your Dad's limb apart bit by bit!"
I scream again. I start running to where the front door to realize that there were three people blocking it. One was a man holding a phone. The other was my Dad. And the other was hanging form a coat hanger who was my Mum.
I scream.
I'm still screaming.
Still.
I couldn't stop.
Still screaming.
My Dad kicked the door open. "RUN!"
I try to run but the man threw a knife at me. I fell to the ground crying and screaming. I hear police sirens.
I hear gunshots and see the man falling to his death. The police has rescued me and my Dad.
But I had a feeling my life was ending.
Everything went white. I hear the faint sobs of my Dad.
I was dead.

Brilliant story cool boy!

Oh dear.

There are so many things that were wrong with that story.

For starters the description was so depthless it looked like an infant had written it, with constant lazy references such as 'huge'.

For a tale that was meant to be gripping and a horror you at least went for a good setting (falling for every cliche possible, granted) and constructed it well. From there you went downhill, with ridiculous descriptions such as "it sounded like dad".

It really didn't flow very well and the beginning wasn't explained enough. For example, where was this house? What did it look like, apart from being huge?

But, although slightly basic, it was a good story, and I'll give credit where credit is due. Unfortunately you could have improved it a lot by using more complex vocabulary and slightly better descriptions. When you write the next story try and think about the setting and atmospherics more.

The worst part of it, for me, lay in the last line. You threw off some of the tension you had made and the genre by writing "I am dead". A good writer doesn't need to add comments like that, as it's obvious. Someone throwing a knife showed he was obviously dead. Consiering you wrote it from the first person perspective, how could the person die?

I liked it but do try and read it through next time and more description. But another GREAT one Cool boy.

I really don't know what to make of your stories, Cool Boy. You clearly have some good ideas, yet the execution of them often swings from okay-ish to awful. I don't think it helps that your main character dying is something of a recurring theme.

And again, I got the impression that it was rushed.

Not terrible, but with a lot of room for improvement.

I know I rush.

Everything that I think, tnc seems to have already said. Good basis for improvement, his feedback.