The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
In a room, a small beam of sunshine casts light onto an opposing wall, illuminating the soggy, damp wallpaper. It is clear that light doesn't enter this place very often. The beam of light is a sharp contrast to the rest of the room - the darkness has consumed all visibility, and the only thing the naked eye can make out is the vague shadows of the largest items in the room - what looks like a bed, a cabinet, and in between, curled up in a ball and keeping eerily still, a figure rests, moving in nothing but breath and not making a sound at all. A burglar could enter this room and have no idea that it was occupied. A window is open, and blowing in the gale, sending a piercing breeze through the room, but the figure doesn't flinch, doesn't make any effort to close the window, and doesn't react in any way to the cold. Just stays perfectly still. Perfectly lifeless.
In a flash, light and sound explodes through the room. The light sparks into action and casts life onto everything in the room, from nowhere, and in the flash the figure's face is revealed as she springs into life through the panic and shock suddenly imposed, and a loud crash, crash, crash!! blasts through the room. In a frantic mess of confusion and despair, the girl springs into life and frantically kicks something on the other side of the cabinet, sending it smashing to the cold floor below. The noise stops, and the girl, alone in the middle of the room, and looking visibly shaken, takes a deep breath and composes herself. First she looks up - at the lightbulb, that one second ago was as dead as the room, now pouring out light into every corner. And on the floor - a large Hi-Fi sytem lies scattered, now disconnected from the socket that threw a burst of power into it a second ago. Phew, it was just a power cut, she thinks. She must have fallen asleep whilst she was waiting for him, and the sudden barrage of noise and light threw her into panic. But once again she is calm. The light illuminates the entire room, but before much can be taken in, she picks up the clock from where she was sitting, turns off the light, and crouches down once more in the same position as she adopted previously. Alone in the cold, damp room, fixed intently on the clock.
For you see, she is alone every second besides when with him. He has no idea what an impact he has, and how could he? She sits alone, depressed, feeling empty and uninspired to move, other than to stare at her clock. But he changes everything. He'll be here soon, and that's when she'll blossom into the beautiful creature he fell in love with.
And sure enough, a short while later, he strides in, switches on the light, both in the room and in her heart. She looks up and an enigmatic smile explodes onto her face. He changes everything. He is the soul alchemist.
In a flash, light and sound explodes through the room. The light sparks into action and casts life onto everything in the room, from nowhere, and in the flash the figure's face is revealed as she springs into life through the panic and shock suddenly imposed, and a loud crash, crash, crash!! blasts through the room. In a frantic mess of confusion and despair, the girl springs into life and frantically kicks something on the other side of the cabinet, sending it smashing to the cold floor below. The noise stops, and the girl, alone in the middle of the room, and looking visibly shaken, takes a deep breath and composes herself. First she looks up - at the lightbulb, that one second ago was as dead as the room, now pouring out light into every corner. And on the floor - a large Hi-Fi sytem lies scattered, now disconnected from the socket that threw a burst of power into it a second ago. Phew, it was just a power cut, she thinks. She must have fallen asleep whilst she was waiting for him, and the sudden barrage of noise and light threw her into panic. But once again she is calm. The light illuminates the entire room, but before much can be taken in, she picks up the clock from where she was sitting, turns off the light, and crouches down once more in the same position as she adopted previously. Alone in the cold, damp room, fixed intently on the clock.
For you see, she is alone every second besides when with him. He has no idea what an impact he has, and how could he? She sits alone, depressed, feeling empty and uninspired to move, other than to stare at her clock. But he changes everything. He'll be here soon, and that's when she'll blossom into the beautiful creature he fell in love with.
And sure enough, a short while later, he strides in, switches on the light, both in the room and in her heart. She looks up and an enigmatic smile explodes onto her face. He changes everything. He is the soul alchemist.
Yeah, I'm in the process of re-writing it, so the middle will be much more as I wanted it to be.
I pretty much agree with EB, the first bit is the best, and it does kind of struggle in the middle, making the end less effective.
Yeah, this was kind of rushed because my PC was being gay and not letting me save anything, so instead of losing all my work I rushed to the end and posted it up.
I'll probably go through it again and try and make it more effective and scene-setting. Your constructive critiscism is much appreciated, I didn't really know whether I could be bothered to imporve it but now I'm inspired.
I'll probably go through it again and try and make it more effective and scene-setting. Your constructive critiscism is much appreciated, I didn't really know whether I could be bothered to imporve it but now I'm inspired.
I read the title and wasn't really that interested, but this was the only story so far for this comp, so I thought I'd have a look.
The first paragraph then grabbed me. It flowed really nicely and was descriptive in a dark way. The second however let me down. It's ok, but, I dunno, it just didn't grab me, (sorry I can't say anything really constructive). It didn't repeat itself that much, in fact, I think you only said "sprung to life" twice, and yet it still seemed like, "didn't I just read that?"
It closes ok, but that's it.
So yeah. Great opening, poor, (in my view), middle and an ok finish.
Don't want to be harsh and I'm trying to be constructive, but having read what I wrote back, I'm not so sure if it was. Sorry.
The first paragraph then grabbed me. It flowed really nicely and was descriptive in a dark way. The second however let me down. It's ok, but, I dunno, it just didn't grab me, (sorry I can't say anything really constructive). It didn't repeat itself that much, in fact, I think you only said "sprung to life" twice, and yet it still seemed like, "didn't I just read that?"
It closes ok, but that's it.
So yeah. Great opening, poor, (in my view), middle and an ok finish.
Don't want to be harsh and I'm trying to be constructive, but having read what I wrote back, I'm not so sure if it was. Sorry.
In a room, a small beam of sunshine casts light onto an opposing wall, illuminating the soggy, damp wallpaper. It is clear that light doesn't enter this place very often. The beam of light is a sharp contrast to the rest of the room - the darkness has consumed all visibility, and the only thing the naked eye can make out is the vague shadows of the largest items in the room - what looks like a bed, a cabinet, and in between, curled up in a ball and keeping eerily still, a figure rests, moving in nothing but breath and not making a sound at all. A burglar could enter this room and have no idea that it was occupied. A window is open, and blowing in the gale, sending a piercing breeze through the room, but the figure doesn't flinch, doesn't make any effort to close the window, and doesn't react in any way to the cold. Just stays perfectly still. Perfectly lifeless.
In a flash, light and sound explodes through the room. The light sparks into action and casts life onto everything in the room, from nowhere, and in the flash the figure's face is revealed as she springs into life through the panic and shock suddenly imposed, and a loud crash, crash, crash!! blasts through the room. In a frantic mess of confusion and despair, the girl springs into life and frantically kicks something on the other side of the cabinet, sending it smashing to the cold floor below. The noise stops, and the girl, alone in the middle of the room, and looking visibly shaken, takes a deep breath and composes herself. First she looks up - at the lightbulb, that one second ago was as dead as the room, now pouring out light into every corner. And on the floor - a large Hi-Fi sytem lies scattered, now disconnected from the socket that threw a burst of power into it a second ago. Phew, it was just a power cut, she thinks. She must have fallen asleep whilst she was waiting for him, and the sudden barrage of noise and light threw her into panic. But once again she is calm. The light illuminates the entire room, but before much can be taken in, she picks up the clock from where she was sitting, turns off the light, and crouches down once more in the same position as she adopted previously. Alone in the cold, damp room, fixed intently on the clock.
For you see, she is alone every second besides when with him. He has no idea what an impact he has, and how could he? She sits alone, depressed, feeling empty and uninspired to move, other than to stare at her clock. But he changes everything. He'll be here soon, and that's when she'll blossom into the beautiful creature he fell in love with.
And sure enough, a short while later, he strides in, switches on the light, both in the room and in her heart. She looks up and an enigmatic smile explodes onto her face. He changes everything. He is the soul alchemist.
In a flash, light and sound explodes through the room. The light sparks into action and casts life onto everything in the room, from nowhere, and in the flash the figure's face is revealed as she springs into life through the panic and shock suddenly imposed, and a loud crash, crash, crash!! blasts through the room. In a frantic mess of confusion and despair, the girl springs into life and frantically kicks something on the other side of the cabinet, sending it smashing to the cold floor below. The noise stops, and the girl, alone in the middle of the room, and looking visibly shaken, takes a deep breath and composes herself. First she looks up - at the lightbulb, that one second ago was as dead as the room, now pouring out light into every corner. And on the floor - a large Hi-Fi sytem lies scattered, now disconnected from the socket that threw a burst of power into it a second ago. Phew, it was just a power cut, she thinks. She must have fallen asleep whilst she was waiting for him, and the sudden barrage of noise and light threw her into panic. But once again she is calm. The light illuminates the entire room, but before much can be taken in, she picks up the clock from where she was sitting, turns off the light, and crouches down once more in the same position as she adopted previously. Alone in the cold, damp room, fixed intently on the clock.
For you see, she is alone every second besides when with him. He has no idea what an impact he has, and how could he? She sits alone, depressed, feeling empty and uninspired to move, other than to stare at her clock. But he changes everything. He'll be here soon, and that's when she'll blossom into the beautiful creature he fell in love with.
And sure enough, a short while later, he strides in, switches on the light, both in the room and in her heart. She looks up and an enigmatic smile explodes onto her face. He changes everything. He is the soul alchemist.