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From the website. Some you'll like, some you won't. Ah Viz ...
"RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place."
"US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of everyone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like s**t. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain."
"DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements."
"WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains."
"SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint."
"MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again."
"BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you."
"CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts."
"BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees."
"EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin."
"WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged."
"AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks."
"BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching."
"SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls."
"TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool."
"MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it."
"DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool."
"CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat."
"IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her."
"BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan."
"BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you."
"ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices."
"RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place."
"US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of everyone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like s**t. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain."
"DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements."
"WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains."
"SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint."
"MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again."
"BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you."
"CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts."
"BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees."
"EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin."
"WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged."
"AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks."
"BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching."
"SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls."
"TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool."
"MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it."
"DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool."
"CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat."
"IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her."
"BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan."
"BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you."
"ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices."
Another one of my favourites is:
"Is your baby/toddler choking on an ice cube? If so don't panic, simply pour boiling water down their throat and the blockage will be instantly removed"
"Is your baby/toddler choking on an ice cube? If so don't panic, simply pour boiling water down their throat and the blockage will be instantly removed"
Excellent.
Some good ones. :)
From the website. Some you'll like, some you won't. Ah Viz ...
"RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place."
"US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of everyone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like s**t. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain."
"DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements."
"WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains."
"SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint."
"MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again."
"BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you."
"CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts."
"BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees."
"EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin."
"WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged."
"AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks."
"BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching."
"SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls."
"TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool."
"MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it."
"DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool."
"CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat."
"IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her."
"BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan."
"BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you."
"ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices."
"RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place."
"US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of everyone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like s**t. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain."
"DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements."
"WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains."
"SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint."
"MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again."
"BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you."
"CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p!ss before the film starts."
"BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees."
"EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin."
"WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged."
"AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks."
"BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching."
"SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls."
"TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking large lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool."
"MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it."
"DON'T waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool."
"CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat."
"IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her."
"BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan."
"BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you."
"ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices."