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Jesus knew he was going to die, he was like psychic and stuff so he could foretell such events. In the week leading up to his death, he'd been to a temple and destroyed many market stalls, he'd been asked some cunningly difficult questions, and he'd managed to get him self covered in perfume. All in all not a good week. Oh, and it was made worse by the fact that he was going to be crucified on Friday. He wasn't sure at what time but he hoped it would be after 9:30pm because he didn't want to miss the eviction on Big Brother.
Thursday arrived and Jesus decided that he wanted some good food to go out with. Peter suggested that they go to KFC because a couple of bargain buckets would be enough to feed them all. Jesus pondered for a moment whilst stroking his beard. "Ok, we'll go, I get the spicy chicken though."
So they parked the mini outside the local KFC and Jesus and his disciples got out and entered the restaurant. Andrew went up to order but Jesus pulled him back and walked up to the counter himself. "One children's meal please." The disciples were confused, "That's not enough for all of us!" one of them said. "You're so stupid," said another, "He's going to that cool multiplying food trick isn't he?" Jesus handed over the £2.99 and took the meal to a table.
The disciples gathered round the small table at which Jesus sat. "What are you doing?" asked Jesus. "Waiting for you to the magic thingy," said Mike. Everybody stared at Mike. "And who are you supposed to be?" asked one of the disciples. "I'm Mike," he said before exiting the KFC in slo-mo and then murdering a few random people in pointlessly gory ways.
"Anyway," continued Jesus, "I'm not doing any magic today, I can't be bothered." The disciples looked puzzled. "So, er, how are meant to all share a kid's meal?" enquired one of the disciples. "We're not, this is mine. I'm fed up of paying for everything for you lot, get your own."
The disciples shuffled towards the counter. "Pfft, scroungers," muttered Jesus. He opened his box and let out a wide grin as he saw the free Star Wars toy that came with his meal. He ripped open the packaging and turned the little handle on Yoda's side before placing him on the table and watching him scurrying along the table before going to far and hitting his face on the floor. Jesus laughed before picking up his plastic toy and doing it again.
The disciples came back towards Jesus with a couple of bargain buckets and Jesus quickly hid his new toy. "*Ahem* So you've got your own food then?" he said. "Yes," they said quietly as they all tried to fit around a table made for two people (it was surprisingly busy for a Thursday).
They finished their food and Jesus said, "One of you will betray me tonight." They all gasped except Judas who just sat there whistling and looking anywhere apart from at Jesus.
They all left KFC having left a huge mess behind. Jesus stopped to count his disciples. There were only 11. Jesus looked at his watch. "Oh, FFS," he said. "It's only 8:13. Oh well, I'm sure Dad's got a TV." Then, right on que, Judas appeared. "Mwahahahah, you're going to be crucified!" he said as he pointed at Jesus. "Never! I'm so surprised," replied Jesus in a highly sarcastic tone. Jesus was frog marched away and the other disciples put their hands to their heads and fainted due to the shock.
Jesus was held captive in a dark room. "Helo my nsmes miek" came a voice using awful grammar. Jesus groaned. "I can't be doing with this, not tonight." He walked over to Mike and pumped up his arm ready to punch Mike. Mike made fist, preparing to defend himself and then Jesus just opened his clenched fist and said, "Paper. I win." Mike looked confused for a moment and then screamed before getting out his gun and shooting himself through the head.
Pontius Pilate came from around the corner, took Jesus out of his cell and tied him to the cross. Jesus put up no resistance. Pontius smashed Jesus' knees and then walked off leaving him to die.
Unfortunately, Jesus couldn't get to sleep that night so it took until Friday for him to actually die. Before he went though, a strange man came up to Jesus and gave him some food. "What's this?" asked Jesus. "A hot cross," bun the man replied. "Oh," said Jesus, "Sounds good." He ate the bun, the man ran away, Jesus died, and he was taken away to a tomb.
Three days later Jesus was resurected and he appeared to his disciples. They stared at him in disbelief. "Erm, Jesus, why do you have food in your beard?" asked one of them. "Oh crumbs!" said Jesus. "Aha, crumbs. Get it? Crumbs? Ahahaha." Jesus wiped them off and then disappeared once more. One of the disciples picked up some crumbs and said, "From this day on, we shall all eat hot cross buns on the anniversary of Jesus' death." Then another stood up and said, "And we shall call it Good Friday!" The others looked at him in disgust. "Why would we do that?" The disciple replied, " Because Mary was avicted on Big Brother, Jesus hated her."
Thursday arrived and Jesus decided that he wanted some good food to go out with. Peter suggested that they go to KFC because a couple of bargain buckets would be enough to feed them all. Jesus pondered for a moment whilst stroking his beard. "Ok, we'll go, I get the spicy chicken though."
So they parked the mini outside the local KFC and Jesus and his disciples got out and entered the restaurant. Andrew went up to order but Jesus pulled him back and walked up to the counter himself. "One children's meal please." The disciples were confused, "That's not enough for all of us!" one of them said. "You're so stupid," said another, "He's going to that cool multiplying food trick isn't he?" Jesus handed over the £2.99 and took the meal to a table.
The disciples gathered round the small table at which Jesus sat. "What are you doing?" asked Jesus. "Waiting for you to the magic thingy," said Mike. Everybody stared at Mike. "And who are you supposed to be?" asked one of the disciples. "I'm Mike," he said before exiting the KFC in slo-mo and then murdering a few random people in pointlessly gory ways.
"Anyway," continued Jesus, "I'm not doing any magic today, I can't be bothered." The disciples looked puzzled. "So, er, how are meant to all share a kid's meal?" enquired one of the disciples. "We're not, this is mine. I'm fed up of paying for everything for you lot, get your own."
The disciples shuffled towards the counter. "Pfft, scroungers," muttered Jesus. He opened his box and let out a wide grin as he saw the free Star Wars toy that came with his meal. He ripped open the packaging and turned the little handle on Yoda's side before placing him on the table and watching him scurrying along the table before going to far and hitting his face on the floor. Jesus laughed before picking up his plastic toy and doing it again.
The disciples came back towards Jesus with a couple of bargain buckets and Jesus quickly hid his new toy. "*Ahem* So you've got your own food then?" he said. "Yes," they said quietly as they all tried to fit around a table made for two people (it was surprisingly busy for a Thursday).
They finished their food and Jesus said, "One of you will betray me tonight." They all gasped except Judas who just sat there whistling and looking anywhere apart from at Jesus.
They all left KFC having left a huge mess behind. Jesus stopped to count his disciples. There were only 11. Jesus looked at his watch. "Oh, FFS," he said. "It's only 8:13. Oh well, I'm sure Dad's got a TV." Then, right on que, Judas appeared. "Mwahahahah, you're going to be crucified!" he said as he pointed at Jesus. "Never! I'm so surprised," replied Jesus in a highly sarcastic tone. Jesus was frog marched away and the other disciples put their hands to their heads and fainted due to the shock.
Jesus was held captive in a dark room. "Helo my nsmes miek" came a voice using awful grammar. Jesus groaned. "I can't be doing with this, not tonight." He walked over to Mike and pumped up his arm ready to punch Mike. Mike made fist, preparing to defend himself and then Jesus just opened his clenched fist and said, "Paper. I win." Mike looked confused for a moment and then screamed before getting out his gun and shooting himself through the head.
Pontius Pilate came from around the corner, took Jesus out of his cell and tied him to the cross. Jesus put up no resistance. Pontius smashed Jesus' knees and then walked off leaving him to die.
Unfortunately, Jesus couldn't get to sleep that night so it took until Friday for him to actually die. Before he went though, a strange man came up to Jesus and gave him some food. "What's this?" asked Jesus. "A hot cross," bun the man replied. "Oh," said Jesus, "Sounds good." He ate the bun, the man ran away, Jesus died, and he was taken away to a tomb.
Three days later Jesus was resurected and he appeared to his disciples. They stared at him in disbelief. "Erm, Jesus, why do you have food in your beard?" asked one of them. "Oh crumbs!" said Jesus. "Aha, crumbs. Get it? Crumbs? Ahahaha." Jesus wiped them off and then disappeared once more. One of the disciples picked up some crumbs and said, "From this day on, we shall all eat hot cross buns on the anniversary of Jesus' death." Then another stood up and said, "And we shall call it Good Friday!" The others looked at him in disgust. "Why would we do that?" The disciple replied, " Because Mary was avicted on Big Brother, Jesus hated her."
Well it made me laugh. Enjoyable throughout, and the introductoin and use of Mike was genius.
Quality. I have a soft-spot for taking the p!ss out of Jesus & co.
Well it made me chuckle :)
Thats what they want u to think...
MrGlitch wrote:
> I didnt know we still had crucifixions..
Nor do we have wizards and magic wands but that didn't stop you :)
> I didnt know we still had crucifixions..
Nor do we have wizards and magic wands but that didn't stop you :)
I didnt know we still had crucifixions..
Nice idea, a couple of grammar mistakes though..but i can't talk.
Nice idea, a couple of grammar mistakes though..but i can't talk.
Jesus knew he was going to die, he was like psychic and stuff so he could foretell such events. In the week leading up to his death, he'd been to a temple and destroyed many market stalls, he'd been asked some cunningly difficult questions, and he'd managed to get him self covered in perfume. All in all not a good week. Oh, and it was made worse by the fact that he was going to be crucified on Friday. He wasn't sure at what time but he hoped it would be after 9:30pm because he didn't want to miss the eviction on Big Brother.
Thursday arrived and Jesus decided that he wanted some good food to go out with. Peter suggested that they go to KFC because a couple of bargain buckets would be enough to feed them all. Jesus pondered for a moment whilst stroking his beard. "Ok, we'll go, I get the spicy chicken though."
So they parked the mini outside the local KFC and Jesus and his disciples got out and entered the restaurant. Andrew went up to order but Jesus pulled him back and walked up to the counter himself. "One children's meal please." The disciples were confused, "That's not enough for all of us!" one of them said. "You're so stupid," said another, "He's going to that cool multiplying food trick isn't he?" Jesus handed over the £2.99 and took the meal to a table.
The disciples gathered round the small table at which Jesus sat. "What are you doing?" asked Jesus. "Waiting for you to the magic thingy," said Mike. Everybody stared at Mike. "And who are you supposed to be?" asked one of the disciples. "I'm Mike," he said before exiting the KFC in slo-mo and then murdering a few random people in pointlessly gory ways.
"Anyway," continued Jesus, "I'm not doing any magic today, I can't be bothered." The disciples looked puzzled. "So, er, how are meant to all share a kid's meal?" enquired one of the disciples. "We're not, this is mine. I'm fed up of paying for everything for you lot, get your own."
The disciples shuffled towards the counter. "Pfft, scroungers," muttered Jesus. He opened his box and let out a wide grin as he saw the free Star Wars toy that came with his meal. He ripped open the packaging and turned the little handle on Yoda's side before placing him on the table and watching him scurrying along the table before going to far and hitting his face on the floor. Jesus laughed before picking up his plastic toy and doing it again.
The disciples came back towards Jesus with a couple of bargain buckets and Jesus quickly hid his new toy. "*Ahem* So you've got your own food then?" he said. "Yes," they said quietly as they all tried to fit around a table made for two people (it was surprisingly busy for a Thursday).
They finished their food and Jesus said, "One of you will betray me tonight." They all gasped except Judas who just sat there whistling and looking anywhere apart from at Jesus.
They all left KFC having left a huge mess behind. Jesus stopped to count his disciples. There were only 11. Jesus looked at his watch. "Oh, FFS," he said. "It's only 8:13. Oh well, I'm sure Dad's got a TV." Then, right on que, Judas appeared. "Mwahahahah, you're going to be crucified!" he said as he pointed at Jesus. "Never! I'm so surprised," replied Jesus in a highly sarcastic tone. Jesus was frog marched away and the other disciples put their hands to their heads and fainted due to the shock.
Jesus was held captive in a dark room. "Helo my nsmes miek" came a voice using awful grammar. Jesus groaned. "I can't be doing with this, not tonight." He walked over to Mike and pumped up his arm ready to punch Mike. Mike made fist, preparing to defend himself and then Jesus just opened his clenched fist and said, "Paper. I win." Mike looked confused for a moment and then screamed before getting out his gun and shooting himself through the head.
Pontius Pilate came from around the corner, took Jesus out of his cell and tied him to the cross. Jesus put up no resistance. Pontius smashed Jesus' knees and then walked off leaving him to die.
Unfortunately, Jesus couldn't get to sleep that night so it took until Friday for him to actually die. Before he went though, a strange man came up to Jesus and gave him some food. "What's this?" asked Jesus. "A hot cross," bun the man replied. "Oh," said Jesus, "Sounds good." He ate the bun, the man ran away, Jesus died, and he was taken away to a tomb.
Three days later Jesus was resurected and he appeared to his disciples. They stared at him in disbelief. "Erm, Jesus, why do you have food in your beard?" asked one of them. "Oh crumbs!" said Jesus. "Aha, crumbs. Get it? Crumbs? Ahahaha." Jesus wiped them off and then disappeared once more. One of the disciples picked up some crumbs and said, "From this day on, we shall all eat hot cross buns on the anniversary of Jesus' death." Then another stood up and said, "And we shall call it Good Friday!" The others looked at him in disgust. "Why would we do that?" The disciple replied, " Because Mary was avicted on Big Brother, Jesus hated her."
Thursday arrived and Jesus decided that he wanted some good food to go out with. Peter suggested that they go to KFC because a couple of bargain buckets would be enough to feed them all. Jesus pondered for a moment whilst stroking his beard. "Ok, we'll go, I get the spicy chicken though."
So they parked the mini outside the local KFC and Jesus and his disciples got out and entered the restaurant. Andrew went up to order but Jesus pulled him back and walked up to the counter himself. "One children's meal please." The disciples were confused, "That's not enough for all of us!" one of them said. "You're so stupid," said another, "He's going to that cool multiplying food trick isn't he?" Jesus handed over the £2.99 and took the meal to a table.
The disciples gathered round the small table at which Jesus sat. "What are you doing?" asked Jesus. "Waiting for you to the magic thingy," said Mike. Everybody stared at Mike. "And who are you supposed to be?" asked one of the disciples. "I'm Mike," he said before exiting the KFC in slo-mo and then murdering a few random people in pointlessly gory ways.
"Anyway," continued Jesus, "I'm not doing any magic today, I can't be bothered." The disciples looked puzzled. "So, er, how are meant to all share a kid's meal?" enquired one of the disciples. "We're not, this is mine. I'm fed up of paying for everything for you lot, get your own."
The disciples shuffled towards the counter. "Pfft, scroungers," muttered Jesus. He opened his box and let out a wide grin as he saw the free Star Wars toy that came with his meal. He ripped open the packaging and turned the little handle on Yoda's side before placing him on the table and watching him scurrying along the table before going to far and hitting his face on the floor. Jesus laughed before picking up his plastic toy and doing it again.
The disciples came back towards Jesus with a couple of bargain buckets and Jesus quickly hid his new toy. "*Ahem* So you've got your own food then?" he said. "Yes," they said quietly as they all tried to fit around a table made for two people (it was surprisingly busy for a Thursday).
They finished their food and Jesus said, "One of you will betray me tonight." They all gasped except Judas who just sat there whistling and looking anywhere apart from at Jesus.
They all left KFC having left a huge mess behind. Jesus stopped to count his disciples. There were only 11. Jesus looked at his watch. "Oh, FFS," he said. "It's only 8:13. Oh well, I'm sure Dad's got a TV." Then, right on que, Judas appeared. "Mwahahahah, you're going to be crucified!" he said as he pointed at Jesus. "Never! I'm so surprised," replied Jesus in a highly sarcastic tone. Jesus was frog marched away and the other disciples put their hands to their heads and fainted due to the shock.
Jesus was held captive in a dark room. "Helo my nsmes miek" came a voice using awful grammar. Jesus groaned. "I can't be doing with this, not tonight." He walked over to Mike and pumped up his arm ready to punch Mike. Mike made fist, preparing to defend himself and then Jesus just opened his clenched fist and said, "Paper. I win." Mike looked confused for a moment and then screamed before getting out his gun and shooting himself through the head.
Pontius Pilate came from around the corner, took Jesus out of his cell and tied him to the cross. Jesus put up no resistance. Pontius smashed Jesus' knees and then walked off leaving him to die.
Unfortunately, Jesus couldn't get to sleep that night so it took until Friday for him to actually die. Before he went though, a strange man came up to Jesus and gave him some food. "What's this?" asked Jesus. "A hot cross," bun the man replied. "Oh," said Jesus, "Sounds good." He ate the bun, the man ran away, Jesus died, and he was taken away to a tomb.
Three days later Jesus was resurected and he appeared to his disciples. They stared at him in disbelief. "Erm, Jesus, why do you have food in your beard?" asked one of them. "Oh crumbs!" said Jesus. "Aha, crumbs. Get it? Crumbs? Ahahaha." Jesus wiped them off and then disappeared once more. One of the disciples picked up some crumbs and said, "From this day on, we shall all eat hot cross buns on the anniversary of Jesus' death." Then another stood up and said, "And we shall call it Good Friday!" The others looked at him in disgust. "Why would we do that?" The disciple replied, " Because Mary was avicted on Big Brother, Jesus hated her."