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"The Great Special Reserve Music Spoof I !!!!11!!!11!!11!!!"

Just had been advertised for the past few weeks on flyers and radio stations, music mags and beer cans, The Big Band Competition was only 4 months away. The line up was sensational. Somehow the organizers managed to get Radiohead, South, The Libertines, Bloc Party, System of a Down and many, many more to play at The Big Band Competition. The rules were: 2 bands go head-to-head in each round, the band who get the most riotous noise win. But unknown to many, the list of bands ended with a group called “The Special Reserve”. It consisted of a big fella called Bob the Moose on lead electric. It was his idea to start the band. Some might say that it was his brainchild. But I wouldn’t. I don’t think I could trust Bob with children. Not with all the drugs, alcohol and prostitues he was doing. An opera singing conversion in the form of Silent Thunder was the voice of the band. He’d been the head boy of every one of his public school choirs, even though it took a hell of a lot of bumming. Up until recently we didn’t have anyone to play bass, but we realised that if we wanted to compete in a big competition, we’d have to get someone to do the menial chore of twanging those 4 deep strings. As it turned out we cast in some crazy Welsh guy. It was a bit of a fluke actually, because he thought he was going to the dentists when he stumbled into our audition. As it was we thought he was drunk or mad or something (in the end it turned out he was both). Bob jokingly said, “Take your bloody pills mate, before the men in white coats come for you.” As it happened this guy actually had some medication in his pocket, so he took a couple pills. I then said “Now play the damn guitar or get out.” Within a few seconds he was right as rain. He picked up the bass from the stand in front of us and blew our minds with how good he was. Instantly we knew we weren’t going to get anyone better than him, so we asked him his name straight away. “Just call me Grix Thraves.” ST, Bob and myself looked and one another and agreed that it must have been Welsh or something. I too was part of the band of course. I was the drummer. I had idolized John Bonham for my childhood and found that I too was a more than able drummer. Ever since the age of 6, I had a thing for using those sticks to please people. At one point I thought they were’nt even going to let us into the competition, but fortunately the organizers were a bunch of desperate gaybys, so after a quick bit of suckeh suckeh for one dollar a piece, we were as good as in. I’d mastered my technique after practicing on Flock for weeks during the spell I cross-dressed and called my self Sally. But I had to stop, because people were getting me mixed up with Ant.

Having formed our group only a couple of months before the TBBC, it would have been stupid not to have practiced pretty much every day. We got down to rehersing every night during the week. Well, except pub night Thursday. Well, we were still too hungover on Friday aswell, so that wasted the whole session, but we practiced really, really hard at the weekends…

******

So, 2 days away from the competition, we were pretty much ready to take on the Titans of the music world. None of us were afraid, we were all too drunk or high to be afraid anyway. But we were hard men too, so it must have been that. Still, we needed to relax. So we got AJ and down to come round and play some PES4 with us. They cheated because they picked Milan and took it seriously, whilst me and Blunder picked Westfalen as a joke. We thought it meant “I like penii”, but JFH told us it didn’t. AJ and down scored 2 “OMG!!11!!11 WUNDA GOLE”s in a minute… Before Blank and Stryke came along and pwned them like 2-year-old fanboys.

******

Meanwhile…In an office just outside Bradford, FFF, the editor of a popular music magazine had just left his office. He walked down the corridor, with his pet monkey walking behind him, and stopped infront of mattribute’s desk:

FFF: We’ve got The Big Band Competition going down tomorrow, and I’m too busy hiding behind my façade to go down to London and check it out. You wanna go?

Mattribute: Yeah of course I do you gayby.

FFF: *cries*
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Mattribute: Have The Libertines got a set in it?

FFF: Yeah.

Mattribute: Cos they’re the best band in the world you know.

FFF: Yeah. I do.

Mattribute: STFU your face you dirty fascist scum. You’re not communist enough to like them enough. n00b.

In the corner of the office was some filing clerk the mag had hired called munn. Rumour has it he was afraid of moths. But everyone ignored him because another rumour had it that he hadn’t slept with the office ho, Lawrence. That was embarrassing considering that her sex drive was larger than the catalogue of E_B’s bad jokes.

Also…

Goatboy, Sheepy and Paradox were planning to crash the competition, but the were too puny to do anything. They got too destracted bumming Sheepy for weeks on end anyway.
Even if they had of got their act together, rickoss and RastaBillySkank the 2 bouncers, would’ve kicked their emo ass.

******

Come the night of TBBC there was something in the air…and it wasn’t just Timmargh’s “personal supply”. Just one example of this was the surprise entry of a female solo artist called Mystique. Her stage name was Shiva the Queen of Destruction. She was backed by Very_Metal and Coin on guitar and Asher providing lyrical interludes. Together they’d already knocked out Bloc Party, because their drummer went into overtime and imploded in a cloud of exhilaration.

Fortuntately, for the first round we got Linkin Park. Of course we stage raped them, but they had Hedfix cheering at the back of the crowd somewere. Bob did the most amazing riff, which got Cong Man the fire inspector aroused, because his fret was on fire. But Cong Man was negligent, so Bob got third degree burns on his fingers. It didn’t hurt though, he was still too drunk and loved-up to realize.

We found out right at the start of the night that Radiohead suffered a loss. Apparently Thom had complained that Radiohead were making too much noise. Johnny said “So what?” Thom said “Haven’t you ever heard of noise pollution?” Johnny replied “Yeah. But no-one can hear my cool synth sounds of crazy ha>
South were the surprise entry who knocked out the Kaisers after their lead sing got assassinated for being a ginge. South also beat System of a Down, because half the band had forgotten to turn up and instead had gone to a cultist movement.

In the penultimate round we Special Reserve faced Myst’s band. Blunder was a little nervous whilst singing because he could see out of the corner of his eye, that Myst was foaming like a ravenous she-man. But he held up well enough. Then Myst came on the stage with Very_Metal and Coin. She began singing, but before too long she jumped off stage and ran into the crowd. RoJ had been constantly swearing at Myst, insulting the Thundercats and stuff. Azul was helping him, but he was also rocking out to Iron Maiden. Which didn’t help when Myst went after them. Before I could save them, Myst had devoured them and the police had cuffed her and took her away. The police said “sir/madam” all the time because they weren’t sure, whilst they read her the rights. We won by default, but hey, it meant we were through to the final.


The other round was between South and Radiohead. Sorry. I mean The Greenwood Meister feat. the Selway Experience. JG started busting out the most awesome tyooons, before a member at the front of the crowd, Memorandum!, accidentally jizzumed in his eye, because he just had an orgasm in the middle of national anthem. Johnny had to pull out and Phil lost pathetically on his own to the supreme South.


So here it was. The final. But disaster had struck!!!1111!!!1! Bob had sobered up and started feeling the burns on his fingers, because gerrid had stolen all the booze from our cooler! Blunder had lost his voice after hitting the most orgasmic notes in one of our songs! I’d lost my drum sticks because I’m a forgetful oaf! Grix had one of his schizo moments!

But we couldn’t give up now. We, as Special Reserve had to win. So I came to the conclusion. We dragged Memo out from the front of the crowd and after I slapped him 2313 times or so, he stopped crying because he had destroyed Greenwood. I told him he had to do this in memory of JG and handed him an electric guitar. “You know what to do Memo”. I’d decided by now our only chance of winning was to do an instrumental, where Blunder plays the triangle and I use my head to play the drums…


After an amazing set by South, the crowd were stoked. Flock, Aliboy and all the others were shouting their heads off. But then we entered the stage. And we did the most awesome, ore-inspiring, fantabulous, brilliant, captivating, non-emo, hard rock instrumental evaaarrrrr. Including 23 drum solos from me throughout 14 of which I had concussion or had lost the feeling in the left side of my body. Yes, even down there. Also including a 9 minute solo from Merm who belted it out so hard that if I explained it, your head would internally combust. Then there was silence as we finished. A deafening silence which scared us. Had we done it?

It appeared not, because the judge ortega began to declare “Well I think we kno…” When all of a sudden, an eruption of noise broke the sound barrier and blew the roof off of the arena, shattering even Vin Diesel’s non-shatterabererarreble teeth.

Wow I thought, as everyone cheered out “Blund-er, Blund-er, Blund-er.” Or “Bob the Moooooooooooooooooooooose” Or “Clazon you lump of manly testosterone fueled beast that can have my bum hole any time” Or “Merm- we love you and your Stargate ways.”

It was unbelievable and then Biggles declared us, The Special Reserve,….
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WINNARZ!!!!11!!!11!1!1

Special Thanks to:
Henry, TPHI, Pandae, Ms NY, Meka Dragon, KT, gamezfreak and Emitime.

“Special thanks” to:
Crossbob.

*Bud um cha*

And my jokes aren't bad at all.

Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack…

YOu see, you've got my personality down to a tee, almost.

There's no chance I'd ever work for a gayby like FFF.

There was no need to sum up my entire being in about 10 words.
It's just not nice.

Didn't realise I was involved. At all. I'd have been here in a flash if I knew I was involved, you n00bs.

And yes, The Libs are the best band in the world. Lie and I kick your face in.

Thanks for the praise/slagging off guys.

:)

*random applause*

Very good :-)

:'{

You did it again.

Very good :)

Though AJ would never go Milan, for reasons unbeknownst to me.
[URL]http://www.dejongejournalist.nl/media/10/20050116-Mal.JPG[/URL]