The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
My Mother, where’s my Mother I thought, fear and tears welling up inside me. I saw the car driving away, and saw my Mum’s silhouette. She didn’t look back. I looked beside me, my Brother was there, absolutely bewildered. I got onto my feet, and helped up my brother. “Where’s Mummy?” He asked me.
“She’s gone,” I muttered. There we were, two lost children in a gigantic world. I had no idea what to do, where to go. I walked down the street, building towering above us. Why had she left us here? I thought as I went further down the path. “What are we going to do?” my brother asked me. I had to look after him now, there was no one else. “We will have to find a shelter,” I replied. We walked together, looking for a shelter. We eventually found a bridge going over a river, paths right near the river and under the bridge, we settled. We stayed there for a little while. A few friendly other homeless people helped us out, but as the cold swept in, they left. I could feel my brother shivering beside me, I myself was extremely cold. My brother and I were getting weaker and weaker, but there was no where else to go. Food was sparse, I looked and looked. My brother became delirious and made “mud cakes” and other “foods.” I suddenly felt him fall asleep. He never woke up again…
I staggered away from him. I walked for a long, long time, I didn’t care anymore, everything about my life was over, I had nothing else to live for. I stooped to the ground, and fell to the ground and never stirred again. I could at last, be with my brother in eternal happiness, with no care in the world.
I'm not sure about it.. what do you think?
“She’s gone,” I muttered. There we were, two lost children in a gigantic world. I had no idea what to do, where to go. I walked down the street, building towering above us. Why had she left us here? I thought as I went further down the path. “What are we going to do?” my brother asked me. I had to look after him now, there was no one else. “We will have to find a shelter,” I replied. We walked together, looking for a shelter. We eventually found a bridge going over a river, paths right near the river and under the bridge, we settled. We stayed there for a little while. A few friendly other homeless people helped us out, but as the cold swept in, they left. I could feel my brother shivering beside me, I myself was extremely cold. My brother and I were getting weaker and weaker, but there was no where else to go. Food was sparse, I looked and looked. My brother became delirious and made “mud cakes” and other “foods.” I suddenly felt him fall asleep. He never woke up again…
I staggered away from him. I walked for a long, long time, I didn’t care anymore, everything about my life was over, I had nothing else to live for. I stooped to the ground, and fell to the ground and never stirred again. I could at last, be with my brother in eternal happiness, with no care in the world.
I'm not sure about it.. what do you think?
Aye, needs to be about 10 times as big to reach full potential.
But at least it has potential, unlike certain other stories around here.
I liked "I suddenly felt him fall asleep. He never woke up again… " - captured the child narrator well.
But at least it has potential, unlike certain other stories around here.
I liked "I suddenly felt him fall asleep. He never woke up again… " - captured the child narrator well.
There was no description, or even anything except the key points to flesh the story out
As it was it felt too much like a series of bullet points with no driving force or any real emotion
It had the potential but could have done with a little more 'intimacy' in terms of building up the characters and the story
As it was it felt too much like a series of bullet points with no driving force or any real emotion
It had the potential but could have done with a little more 'intimacy' in terms of building up the characters and the story
So much happens in this in a short space of time - I thought it could have been drawn out a little more, enhance the important bits of the story - it read a little like a summary of the whole story...
Uhh, of course not.. :)
hm. It does sound like a condensed version of Grave of the Fireflies...without the war part...
I found it amusing.
My Mother, where’s my Mother I thought, fear and tears welling up inside me. I saw the car driving away, and saw my Mum’s silhouette. She didn’t look back. I looked beside me, my Brother was there, absolutely bewildered. I got onto my feet, and helped up my brother. “Where’s Mummy?” He asked me.
“She’s gone,” I muttered. There we were, two lost children in a gigantic world. I had no idea what to do, where to go. I walked down the street, building towering above us. Why had she left us here? I thought as I went further down the path. “What are we going to do?” my brother asked me. I had to look after him now, there was no one else. “We will have to find a shelter,” I replied. We walked together, looking for a shelter. We eventually found a bridge going over a river, paths right near the river and under the bridge, we settled. We stayed there for a little while. A few friendly other homeless people helped us out, but as the cold swept in, they left. I could feel my brother shivering beside me, I myself was extremely cold. My brother and I were getting weaker and weaker, but there was no where else to go. Food was sparse, I looked and looked. My brother became delirious and made “mud cakes” and other “foods.” I suddenly felt him fall asleep. He never woke up again…
I staggered away from him. I walked for a long, long time, I didn’t care anymore, everything about my life was over, I had nothing else to live for. I stooped to the ground, and fell to the ground and never stirred again. I could at last, be with my brother in eternal happiness, with no care in the world.
I'm not sure about it.. what do you think?
“She’s gone,” I muttered. There we were, two lost children in a gigantic world. I had no idea what to do, where to go. I walked down the street, building towering above us. Why had she left us here? I thought as I went further down the path. “What are we going to do?” my brother asked me. I had to look after him now, there was no one else. “We will have to find a shelter,” I replied. We walked together, looking for a shelter. We eventually found a bridge going over a river, paths right near the river and under the bridge, we settled. We stayed there for a little while. A few friendly other homeless people helped us out, but as the cold swept in, they left. I could feel my brother shivering beside me, I myself was extremely cold. My brother and I were getting weaker and weaker, but there was no where else to go. Food was sparse, I looked and looked. My brother became delirious and made “mud cakes” and other “foods.” I suddenly felt him fall asleep. He never woke up again…
I staggered away from him. I walked for a long, long time, I didn’t care anymore, everything about my life was over, I had nothing else to live for. I stooped to the ground, and fell to the ground and never stirred again. I could at last, be with my brother in eternal happiness, with no care in the world.
I'm not sure about it.. what do you think?