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Here's a little love poem, incomplete. I'm going to enter a whole load of poems and stories soon, because I need some advice about which to present as a competition piece at my school. It was written in my head as I cycled five miles back from school through pouring rain.
Raining
I sit within, watching the rain
That lashes, sky crying its pain
Like me, of some lost sunshine, sweet,
A lost devotion, incomplete.
A cynic’s love, a cynic’s fears
They shine above my sky-borne tears
But die before they reach the place,
And shine upon her upturned face
But still she walks in happiness,
While I cannot my love confess,
Reminding me what’s not to be
While all about, my falling sea
Pours down around, and all my grief
Is stolen, hid, by love the thief.
I cannot love, for I am bound
By wires that hold me to the ground,
They close my mouth, I can't exclaim/////My bonds don't want me to exclaim
My love, that cannot speak its name
And chain my mind, they never free
The soul inside that’s really me.
Really not sure about the fourth line from the bottom. Suggestions?
Raining
I sit within, watching the rain
That lashes, sky crying its pain
Like me, of some lost sunshine, sweet,
A lost devotion, incomplete.
A cynic’s love, a cynic’s fears
They shine above my sky-borne tears
But die before they reach the place,
And shine upon her upturned face
But still she walks in happiness,
While I cannot my love confess,
Reminding me what’s not to be
While all about, my falling sea
Pours down around, and all my grief
Is stolen, hid, by love the thief.
I cannot love, for I am bound
By wires that hold me to the ground,
They close my mouth, I can't exclaim/////My bonds don't want me to exclaim
My love, that cannot speak its name
And chain my mind, they never free
The soul inside that’s really me.
Really not sure about the fourth line from the bottom. Suggestions?
Yeah, that was really good. Not sure what I can say other than that, really.
Man, does anyone like poetry?
Can't say like poetry that much, and I don't know how to judge it, but that had something which I liked.
I just edited a line...impulse.
That was really good.
Usually I recoil at poetry, but that was rather excellent.
That line isn't bad, but I can see what you mean.
"These bonds won't let me exclaim" ?
I dunno ... something about that they won't let you, rather than don't want you to would be better, then you can play with the rhythm a little.
Usually I recoil at poetry, but that was rather excellent.
That line isn't bad, but I can see what you mean.
"These bonds won't let me exclaim" ?
I dunno ... something about that they won't let you, rather than don't want you to would be better, then you can play with the rhythm a little.
Nice :-) IMO it the quality decreases as you go along, so the first verse is the best and the last the... not-best. But I'm impressed :-)
Here's a little love poem, incomplete. I'm going to enter a whole load of poems and stories soon, because I need some advice about which to present as a competition piece at my school. It was written in my head as I cycled five miles back from school through pouring rain.
Raining
I sit within, watching the rain
That lashes, sky crying its pain
Like me, of some lost sunshine, sweet,
A lost devotion, incomplete.
A cynic’s love, a cynic’s fears
They shine above my sky-borne tears
But die before they reach the place,
And shine upon her upturned face
But still she walks in happiness,
While I cannot my love confess,
Reminding me what’s not to be
While all about, my falling sea
Pours down around, and all my grief
Is stolen, hid, by love the thief.
I cannot love, for I am bound
By wires that hold me to the ground,
They close my mouth, I can't exclaim/////My bonds don't want me to exclaim
My love, that cannot speak its name
And chain my mind, they never free
The soul inside that’s really me.
Really not sure about the fourth line from the bottom. Suggestions?
Raining
I sit within, watching the rain
That lashes, sky crying its pain
Like me, of some lost sunshine, sweet,
A lost devotion, incomplete.
A cynic’s love, a cynic’s fears
They shine above my sky-borne tears
But die before they reach the place,
And shine upon her upturned face
But still she walks in happiness,
While I cannot my love confess,
Reminding me what’s not to be
While all about, my falling sea
Pours down around, and all my grief
Is stolen, hid, by love the thief.
I cannot love, for I am bound
By wires that hold me to the ground,
They close my mouth, I can't exclaim/////My bonds don't want me to exclaim
My love, that cannot speak its name
And chain my mind, they never free
The soul inside that’s really me.
Really not sure about the fourth line from the bottom. Suggestions?